(A/N: IS THIS THE REAL LIFE? OR IS THIS JUST FANTASY? No, this is real! I have finally updated this freaking story. I've got to be honest, I had to go back and read a bunch just to remember what I had written so far and… all the typos. All the cringe! *facepalm* That being said, you guys should also probably go back and read a bit, just to get a refresher on what has happened so far (but please don't dwell on the typos and grammatical errors because I'm high key embarrassed). Anyways, HERE IT IS, and after going back to my outline, there are only about 3 or 4 chapters left for this sucker! Yay! Okay, time to get serious because I know I left you all on a cliffhanger, and that cliffhanger was a dark one…therefore, please note that there is a heavy trigger warning for this chapter. The title/song for this chapter is "Hello" by Evanescence. Listen. Read. Review. Enjoy!)
Klaus's POV:
Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and Caroline's condition had only worsened. Gradually, she fell more and more behind on her progress. All of her side effects were back, along with the repressed memories of her father, bringing up deep scars and unhealed wounds. They were resurrected from what once seemed to be a carefully hidden grave, and they resurfaced with a vengeance; intoxicating her with anger and hurt.
What happened for certain, I can't describe or put into words. The incident was too awful for me to dwell on, let alone, hear. And if that's how I feel, I can't imagine what Caroline must be going through.
I regret not reading the full background on her father. I regret not letting Elijah tell me the real conditions of her past. But most of all, I regret not being with her now when she needs me most.
"Klaus?" Elijah asks, snapping me back to reality.
We're in one of the conference rooms sitting down with John, Lexi, and Liz to discuss Caroline's progress, or lack thereof. Elijah has been holding these meetings weekly; However, this is the first meeting I've been invited to.
"I'm sorry, what was the question?" I ask, bringing myself back to the moment.
"Remind me why he's here again," Lexi interjects, gesturing to me, "No offense, Klaus."
"None taken." I reply honestly.
Not quite sure why I'm here either. Weeks of purposefully, and carefully, maintaining my distance from Caroline out of respect for her and the medical staff, and now they want me? What's changed?
"He's here to fill in the blanks," Elijah responds, "Beyond the notes, he can offer another perspective from when Caroline was showing progress."
Lexi doesn't seem satisfied with this answer and prods further.
"We already know from her hypnotherapy sessions with Doctor Gilbert that her infatuation for Klaus was the only reason for her progress."
Well, this is awkward.
"Technically, we can't assume that," John chimes in, "Although, it may be true."
John looks to Elijah, as if he's continuing a discussion they've had many times before.
"Whatever the reason may be for her progress, Klaus can still provide helpful information," Elijah explains, "Even if that information has to do with Caroline's feelings for him."
Someone let me out of here.
"Fair enough," Lexi says, "This should be interesting."
Please stop.
"May we continue?"
No.
"Klaus," Elijah proceeds, "Did Caroline ever openly express her romantic feelings for you?"
The question hits me like a ton of bricks. I was not prepared for this conversation today. I try to rack my brain and think of the best way to answer. I need to be honest, but careful with my words. How do I help Caroline without hurting her?
The longer I think on it, the more I start to realize that she never did clearly say how she felt about me.
"No," I finally respond.
"Never?" Elijah asks.
Come to think of it, the only time any one of us clearly expressed the words 'I love you' was in fact me, and it was while she was sleeping. Part of me wonders if I should have just told her while she was conscious. Would that have helped her today?
"No," I reply again, a little quicker this time.
"Why did you hesitate before?" John asks.
Because I'm not comfortable with this conversation.
"Well, I'm trying to remember," I continue, "She's expressed her comfort around me. But I imagine that's not news to anyone at this table."
"And how did you respond to that?" John proceeds.
By letting her kiss me underneath a blanket on Halloween.
"By building a friendship with her based on mutual trust." I fire back.
"We already know that Klaus has been more than compliant with distancing himself from Caroline so that we may help her to cope with the stress in a healthy manner," Elijah explains, quick to pivot back to the original conversation, "Klaus, is there anything based on your experience with Caroline that you believe may help her now?"
"Well, her infatuation for me was a distraction to her, right?" I ask, playing along with their narrative, "So what about finding another distraction?"
"A distraction is only sweeping the problem under the rug," Lexi explains, "It's not actually helping her."
I slouch down in my chair and give a deep sigh. She's not wrong.
An awkward silence falls in the room, but only for a moment until Elijah speaks again.
"Despite our best efforts and even an increase in her medication dosage this past month, we have yet to see any sizeable progress since last winter."
I look over to Liz, who has remained silent this whole meeting. She seems to be in a daze. The hope that was once there in her eyes from our last visit, is now gone.
Lexi sees this but carries on with her progress report. "There also hasn't been much of an improvement regarding her motivation to do things lately. But this week, she had casually mentioned being interested in reading James M Barrie's, Peter Pan. I gave her the book yesterday, so I'll let you all know if anything changes there."
"Peter Pan is a good one for her," John continues, "The themes in that story can really help her reach a catharsis. I'll be sure to ask her about it in our next session."
"I warned you," Liz says, breaking her silence and looking up at me, "I warned you this would happen if she remembered her father."
I'm dumbfounded and don't know what to say.
"We're not giving up on her," Elijah responds, speaking for everyone at the table.
Liz begins to cry.
"Excuse me," she says, getting up from her chair and leaving the conference room.
I look around to get a read on each of their faces, they've all lost hope. No one knows what to do.
"No one knew a bottle of pills would trigger the memory of her Father," John says rather defensively.
"Maybe another distraction wouldn't be so bad," Elijah says, entertaining the idea.
Lexi stares at Elijah in awe, "Wait, are you serious?"
"Just to help her get her bearings," Elijah explains, "Then we can go from there."
John protests further, "We all agreed that the most important thing for Caroline right now is stability. She needs to stick to a normal rout-"
"Well, things have changed," Elijah interjects, "It's been almost four months since Caroline's memory of her Father came back, and she's worse than ever. It's time to try something else."
John and Lexi fall silent. After a moment to think it over, Lexi nods her head in agreement. We may disagree on many things, but the one thing we can both agree on is Caroline's wellbeing. However, John looks more defeated. He clearly wanted things to be done his way.
At that moment, the hospital intercom blares in the room, "Paging Doctor John Gilbert to Conference Room C. Doctor John Gilbert to Conference Room C."
Time to wrap up the meeting.
"What can I do to help?" I ask sincerely.
"Help us find answers," Elijah states simply, "She trusts you. Talk to her and see what you find out."
"But stay out of the way," John warns, getting up from the table, "She's still Lexi's patient."
I turn to Elijah as John exits the room and give him an inquisitive look. Elijah rolls his eyes.
"He's mad because he's bad at his job," he states.
Lexi giggles, covering her face. A smile also makes its way onto my face.
"That doesn't leave this room," Elijah continues, "Listen, Can I trust you both to work together and take care of our girl?"
Lexi and I look at each other and nod in agreement. After months of working together, we've really learned how to respect one another's boundaries, so I don't foresee this being an issue. I'm just nervous for myself, really. Despite all the times I wanted to, I have not really spoken to Caroline in months. Being forced to stay away from her was only manageable with the hope that this would be a good thing for her. Deep down inside, I knew this was not the right time to be leaving her alone. I should have just listened to that pit in my stomach a long time ago. At least now, I can try to make up for it.
"Good," he concludes, "Then we've reached a consensus."
Caroline's POV:
Elena has started cutting herself. She tries to act modest about it, like she really doesn't want the attention, but I know she does. And not just any kind of attention, she wants the pity. It's brilliant, really, because it means less work for her. If a nurse sees her it's, "Oh you poor thing, of course you don't have to say anything in group today." Because everyone sympathizes and everyone understands that she's 'going through something'. They don't even realize they're just enabling her to continue doing it.
She doesn't even try to hide the scars. Anytime we eat in the cafeteria, she purposefully turns her wrists slightly outward so that everyone with eyes sees the cuts. It's like some sick, victim badge of honor for her. It's disgusting. Brilliant, but disgusting. Personally, I've been furious with her for days since it started.
And yet, here is Matt, sitting by her side on the couch in the rec room, so patiently. He touches each cut gently, as if they all come with their own irate personality, and he's trying calm them from angering any further.
How did she even find something sharp enough around here to do it with?
Something about the touching makes my blood boil. I want to look away, but I can't. I just continue to glare from afar.
Elena glances over to me and picks up her white board. She scribbles something down quickly and holds it out to me… STOP STARING.
"I CAN'T," I yell back, "YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY FLAWED PERSON AROUND HERE, ELENA!"
"Hey, Caroline," Lexi states from behind. Not sure how long she's been watching us, "It's time for your group session."
"I'm not going today," I tell her defiantly.
"I understand," she replies calmly, "Why don't you take a few minutes to yourself and read a book or something? Come back when you feel ready to participate, kay?"
I don't respond and make my way over to my room.
When I get there, I sit down at the edge of my bed and stare at the wall quietly. Slowly, I start to wonder why I lashed out so strongly against her. It takes a moment for me to realize it, and when I do, I collapse back on my bed and let out a few silent tears.
I wish I knew what she used to cut herself with.
I must have cried myself to sleep at some point. When I come to, I lift my head from my tear-soaked pillow and check the clock, 4:02PM. Great, at least I didn't have to go to group therapy today.
Every day I sit there in that circle, and it's like time just goes by in slow motion. All the talking around me is muddled, and the faces all start to blend and look the same. When it's over, I drag myself out of the room the same way I came in. Maybe it's from all the medication I've been taking these past few months, but the best way I can equate myself is to that of a zombie.
As I start to sit myself up, I hear footsteps enter the room. Without even looking, I know who it is: Klaus. For whatever reason, he just stands by the door and doesn't speak.
I decide to break the silence.
"The whole time he was doing it, he called me a liar... said that no human could ever scream that loud, so I had to be possessed. So I stayed quiet, trying to prove him wrong, but he still said I needed to be cleansed."
"Caroline," he starts, "You don't have to-"
I didn't stop.
"My Mom ended her shift early that night, came home, saw what was happening, but before she could even try to pull him off of me, he grabbed a loose steak knife from the dining table, and stabbed himself in the heart…"
I finally decide to look up at him. His gaze quickly moves from the floor, to my face.
"Anyways," I continue, "The pills were for a urinary tract infection I got from him. Must have triggered the memory."
I look down and twiddle my thumbs, waiting to hear whatever he came into the room to tell me. He lets himself further into the room and sits down on the bed next to me.
"Caroline," he starts, voice cracking, "What he did to you is… unforgivable, but-"
"But what?" I retort, ready to raise hell on him for the three and a half months' worth of silent treatment purgatory he put me through.
His voice remains calm, "But don't give him any more time than he's already taken."
His words sink in me, and just like that, so does the anger. Instead, another emotion starts to build its way up.
I can't help it, I throw my arms around him and cry into his shoulder, giving into the tears and letting them pour out of me. I am relieved to feel his arms embrace me back, holding me together like the glue to the broken mess I am.
"I just want to forget again," I blurt out through the sobs, "Please can I just forget again?"
"As hard as this is to hear, you don't need to forget," he says, now rubbing my back in soothing circles, "You need to heal. It's the fastest way you're going to get through this."
The words make sense, but I can't seem to let them sink in. I still feel like a chewed up and spit out piece of gum. I know healing is a process, but I just wish there were a faster way to get there.
So I nod my head with the little pride I have left in me, and vow to myself to get my ass back into gear, starting now. I will be damned if I let this rule over me for the rest of my life.
"I'm sorry for crying so much," I say, voice muffled from my face still buried into his shirt.
"It's not your fault. Hey, look at me," he says, holding my face up to his, "It is. Not. Your. Fault."
I look up into his crystal blue eyes, trying to find comfort in them, but all I feel is lost. Those eyes used to say things to me that Klaus would never dare say aloud. There used to be reassurance that somewhere hidden inside, he still had feelings for me. Now, they're just careful and distant.
I let my head fall back into his shoulder, and instead try to just focus on his embrace.
"You know," he says, voice a little lighter, "I never told you this, but the first time Zokie met Tatia, he tried to bite her."
A short laugh escapes my throat, "Really?"
"Yeah," he continues, "He actually tried nipping her in the butt."
I chuckle for a moment, admiring his attempt to brighten the mood, but the tears don't stop. The only solace I seem to find is in the release of letting them fall.
(A/N: Jeez, that was a lot of emotions. Don't worry, the next chapter will be much better, I promise! Don't forget to message/follow me on Tumblr. My username on there is the same as here.)