He hasn't noticed me yet. I have had my eyes opened for twenty seconds from what I have counted. Jasper is seated in an uncomfortable looking chair pulled next to my bed. He is asleep but it cannot be comfortable. I have already taken stock of the room. There are no kids in sight. I know I gave birth. But I only recall one wail...my heart clenches. Carefully, I look at Jasper lax body wondering if there are any clues there.
His eyes are ringed in dark circles, and stubble has overtaken his normally clean shaven face. Jasper looks old right now. Old is not the right word...he looks exhausted. He normally looks at peace when he is asleep but this is the face of a man that has faced down his worst fears. I don't want to wake him. The longer he is asleep the longer I don't have to face reality. What if…
A sob escapes and the possibilities come crashing down. What if they didn't make it? How do I go on with my life? How do we just move on? I don't see how Rose could keep putting herself through this. Just not knowing is killing me. Jasper's eyes fly open. He does not hesitate to console me. The next moment he is kneeling by the bed stroking my hair, my physical pain barely scratches my subconscious.
"You did it baby," He reassures me between pecking me on the face. I pause. What? Jasper smiles with watery eyes, "You did it."
What does that mean? Did they survive? They must have; this is not the face of a man whose children are dead. This is not the man facing his significant other to deliver bad news. This is the face of a man who has some hope. Did they all make it? Did just the one?
"I-I don't understand," I whisper to him.
Jay nods, "They made it. We aren't in the clear but baby they are here. They are fighting."
Happiness sucker punches me. They are all here. Every single one. I look into Jay baby blue eyes and smile. Our babies are alive. I am not sure what fighting means but I will fight for them and with them until I draw my last breath. There is no doubt in my mind that they are receiving excellent care.
"I'm sorry," I tell him averting my eyes. "Maybe, I could have done something to keep them in longer. I could have sat down more or maybe I shou-"
"Stop." Jay commands firmly. He yanks my head gently to look at him. "This is not your fault. Baby, you did everything. Christ, you almost gave your life for them. This is not your fault."
But I didn't keep them safe when they needed it most. To be honest, I don't think I felt them that day at all. I was so busy worrying about everything else. I should have known something was amiss. I mean I didn't feel my best that day and Sue made me promise to tell her if I ever felt less than my best since the accident. I didn't. I could have prevented this.
"Wait, what do you mean almost gave my life for them?" I ask.
Jasper's hand drops and his face creases. He looks terrified as he remembers something. He clenches his eyes shut as he grips the bed rail. Something else happened. I cover his hands with one of my own, hoping to bring him some type of comfort to ease the pain. It seems like lately all I have done is cause him stress or pain.
"You were bleeding in the car. When we got you to the hospital they took you to the back. Due to the severity of the situation they did not allow me back there. A doctor came to the waiting room later and announced that the kids were delivered. Other than some expected complications they are very healthy. But you...they said...you flatline twice. You were bleeding internally but they were having trouble finding it to stop it…" His voice drifted off to what I can only assume was a very dark moment for him.
I squeeze his hand, "I'm here, baby."
"Do you know how lost I was? They told me to prepare for the worst. They...they didn't even think you would pull through. Fuck. Choc, you are my everything. I don't know how I can exist without you, let alone raise four kids with you gone. How would I explain that? They finally stopped the bleeding but they weren't sure if you would wake up. They told us all we could do was wait. That was four days ago." By the end of the statement he has regained his composure.
Before, I can respond the door is thrust open. I can barely keep up with the cacophony that has just disrupted our personal bubble. What the fuck? What I do make out is that Emmett is here.
"Bro, I am dragging you out of here on your ass if you do not come willingly," Emmett bellows.
Peter interjects, "Sir, I tried to stop him but he wouldn't take no for an answer."
Jay tries to intervene. "Emmett-"
"Fuck you. My brother hasn't left this fucking hospital in almost a week. He stinks! Not healthy...what would Isabella think? You think she would want you moping around bringing that aura around the quads," Emmett snaps.
"I think you are right, bro," I whisper.
The room goes quiet immediately. Both Peter and Emmett turn and look at me. They pale significantly. Well, I must have really scared everyone. They didn't even look like this when I got shot and that is saying a lot. For all of his bravo, Emmett does not look much better. In fact, neither does Peter. If I have to wager, I think none of them have left this hospital.
"Hi," I try to break the awkward silence.
"Dooooccccttttooooorrrr," Emmett yells running to the door. "My sister is awake and not dead!"
Jay tilts his head back and pinches his nose. I wince at the loudness. Peter just looks content. I wink at making him chuckle. They won't get rid of me so easily. I really want to know what the status of the quads are. How deep in the woods are we?
Emmett returns with a doctor. I smile at him while Jasper stands to shake his hand. Obviously, they are well acquainted. But I cannot tell if Jasper likes this man or not. Jay tilt his head down to give me a warm smile. Him. I love him. I will fight for him as well. The doctor clears his throat breaking the connection.
"Isabella," He greets. I try to scoot up in the bed but wince. Fuck. "Let me help you with that. You will be quite sore for a while. Cesarean sections will leave the body quite tender."
Tender? Try feeling ravaged and not in the good kinky way. I feel like someone sliced me up, dug around my inner parts and then sewed me back together. Well...actually that is what happened. But it still sucks major monkey balls. Women always get the short end of the stick. The doctor assisted me with sitting up under the careful securitnity of the men in the room. Finally, I get to a comfortable position.
"Better?"
"Yes. Thank you. I didn't expect to be that sore," I admit.
"Yes, well the cesarean section is a major surgery. Add in the complications you experience then I can only imagine what your body is feeling. You are going to hate me but I do need for you to get up in a little while to walk. The sooner the better. Under normal circumstances your body would be sore for four to six weeks. Be prepared for your recovery time to be closer to six-eight weeks."
"Understood," I nod.
He smiles. "Probably like most moms your mind is not on you right now. Is it? Its on those miracle babies you brought into the world."
He is right, it is on them. I wonder what they look like. I wonder if they are fine or hungry. Are the nurses giving them the attention they need or are they being ignored. I honestly don't care how long it takes me to recover. I just want my kids right now. I look to Jasper hoping for a way out. Can he not see how badly I want to see our children? How my body craves to nurse them?
Emmett and Peter step out of the room as the doctor launches into tell us how the quads are doing. Its not really good. He is very blunt that we have a long road to recovery and the fact that things can crop up along the wait. He tells us realistically our kids will not be out of the hospital for a quite a few months. I don't like that. Jay and I share a look. That is very dangerous. The sooner we get them home the safer they will be.
"Right now you will not be allowed to touch them.. You can observe them though. Remember it's for their health and it won't be like this always," He states.
Can't touch them? I look to Jasper. He looks...blank. To be honest I don't blame him. This is a lot that was thrown at us. I am supposed to leave my kids here in the care of these strangers? I know they are professionals but these are my babies we are talking about. I held them in my body for seven months, that type of commitment does not end once they are born. Jasper squeezes my hands gently, centering me...grounding me.
The doctor sighs, "Also, they are hooked up to a lot of machines. They are fighting right now for their lives. I would say it looks worse than it is but that would be lying to you. Every machine is doing something incredibly important to keep your kids alive."
"Thank you, Dr. White." I tell him honestly.
"Yes, thank you. Your wife has told us we would be in excellent care but we both know how our women are. I needed to see it for myself. Thank you for not missing a beat and fighting for my kids survival," Jasper commends.
"Of course. You will find that though my wife and I have two different doctoring styles we do share one thing in common. We do not mince words. Any recommendation we give is one we have thought about and researched heavily." The doctor smiles at us and turns, "I'm glad that everyone survived. Head to the NICU when you feel up to it."
He is not what I was expecting Sue to be married to. He is very blunt but its refreshing. A lot of people would step carefully and avoid talking about things. I rather you tell me what I should expect so I can prepare for it and then try to find the best solution to the issue at hand.
"You wanna try to go down there," Jay asks.
"Have you...have you -you know- seen them yet," I ask.
Jay smiles, "Yeah, I head down each morning and look at them through the window. I have not let anyone else in to see them yet. I felt like everyone should wait till you do."
"Thank you," I tell him. "Thank you for being my rock when I need it."
"Always." He responds.
"Forever." I agree.
The process of getting together to get down there is long and hard. My body feels horrible and my breasts are so sore. The nurse who helped me get ready promised to come back up and show me how to pump till the quads are strong enough to latch on. Jasper is wheeling me down the corridor whistling. We pass people but they don't pay us a second glance.
This almost feels normal. It is almost as if Jasper is a regular guy and I am a regular girl and we are starting a family. There are no cameras, no bloggers. Just us and couples like us that are sifting through this thing called parenthood. Jasper comes to a stop outside a large window. He catches someone attention and a male nurse comes out.
"Hi, wasn't expecting you back till shift change," He greets Jasper. He then looks down at me and beams, "Hello, mama."
"Hi, I'm Bella." I smile.
"Huh? I thought your name was Choc," the nurse states.
"Ha. I think this one forgets sometimes himself." I comment wholeheartedly.
"Well lets get you. We are going to have you wash your hands firstly, drape you in this hospital gown, and roll you to cribs. Right now, you will not be able to hold them. You won't be able to touch them either unfortunately," He tells.
I cannot help it I start sobbing. This is not fair! How do they get to care for them but their own mother cannot. Jasper kneels in front of me and wipes my eyes.
"Hey, baby, this is not forever. You have to remember that. Right now we have to do what we must to make sure they get to come home safely." He soothes.
I sniffle, "But what if they don't know I am their momma? They won't like me."
"Hey, those four will know who you are. Okay? Now, let's get in there. I'm excited." He smiles.
"Wait, I thought you been coming," I say confused.
NurseTyler cuts in, "He stands out here and watches."
"I didn't feel right experiencing this without," Jay says.
I nod. I would have done the same thing if the roles were reversed. Jasper wheels me and we go through all of the procedures. We pass rows of babies before we get to four cribs. I gasp as we get to the first one. Tyler steps away but remains within reach.
The first one is boy. He is super tiny. His face is red probably from crying. He has dark brown hair peeping from his blue cap. I desperately want him to open them so I can see his beautiful eyes. I stoke the plastic of the crib imagining what it would be like to hold him.
"You know we never talked about names," Jasper chokes out.
I look up to his face full of emotions. He is not crying exactly but I know exactly how he feels. We created this tiny little person. A baby that is the best of the both of us. A symbol of our love for one another.
"Do you have anything in mind," I ask.
He shrugs, "I trust you. You name the first names and I will take the middle."
"He is a fighter. Very strong willed. Kinda calm as well. He reminds me of you, Jay. His name is Ocean."
"Ocean Emmett Cullen." Jay vows. I notice Tyle scribbling something before coming over to replace the nametag.
"See you tomorrow, Ocean." I kiss the crib before Jasper rolls me to the next one.
The next crib is another boy. I smile. He looks very peaceful. He is kind of pale but not red like his brother. I giggle noticing his little feet curling up. Jasper places his hand on the crib. He does not have a cap on and I can see his wispy blonde hair. It is lighter than Jaspers. I was not counting on that. As if he knows we are there, he opens his eyes. I gasp. They are a gorgeous brown, bottomless but so warm.
"That's all you, B. The eyes and the demeanor." Jasper comments amused.
"Hey, baby boy, I'm your momma," I place my hand on the crib. His little fist balls up and he tries to reach for me. My heart stutters, "You gotta get strong so I can hold you. We are new at this parenting thing so you have to be gentle with us. Thanks for choosing us to be your parents."
"Get strong, buddy," Jasper whispers.
"His name is River." I tell Jasper.
Jasper nods. "River Peter Cullen."
Fitting. Tyler replaces the nametag once again as we move to the next crib. Its a girl. Her eyes are open and she is crying. I look to Tyler for guidance.
"What's wrong? Is she in pain?" I ask.
He shakes his head, "No. She is the bossy one. She only calmed down when we brought her siblings closer. The girls are identical but the boys aren't by the way."
She is a spitfire. She is kicking her legs and pawing at her face. They have put mittens on her little hands.
"Well, I can't deny her," Jasper jokes.
He can't. She is literally his twin. The blond hair, her eyes are dark but you can tell they are going to be blue. The fighter instinct. That is him.
"Her name is Autumn." I say.
"Going for the earth theme huh," Jasper notes. I shrug, "I like it though."
"It just fits you know. You probably want a junior though, right?"
"Hell no, that way too much pressure for a kid." Jay states, shaking his head vigorously. "Autumn Carli Cullen. For my dad. I know you have had your differences but he was good to us."
"I don't hate your dad. He is cool in a gangster type of way."
"Okay, littler gangster. Let's go see our other little girl," Jasper wheels me to the final crib.
She is asleep and she is not wearing a hat either. Her hair is blonde. At least I got one kid with brown hair. But her hair is even lighter than River's. It's basically white. She has the cutest button nose and I can't help thinking of Esme. She is going to love her.
"Is she snoring," Jasper asks.
"This one is a heavy sleeper, so I wouldn't put it past her," Tyler comments.
"Oh, brother, another Emmett," I groan. Jasper laughs. "Winter. Her name is Winter."
"Winter Charlie Cullen...I have to say we have some pretty cool kids with awesome names." Jasper rubs my shoulder.
"We are pretty amazing aren't they." I agree.
I don't know what tomorrow holds. Nor what tonight does. I do know that I feel the happiest I have ever felt in this moment with the family I have created. Nothing can take that away.