A/N: Hi, all! Once again, I want to thank everyone who left a review! On my other platforms, I respond to each person individually, but ff doesn't seem to let me anymore...so let's call this a catch-all:)

Enjoy!

February 13 - 4 years after

The guilt wracking Nesta's body and mind that day is unbearable. She'll never forgive herself. She remembers the first time Zeyn made Ollie laugh. How it was him who first got him to run across the park along with his siblings. His ridiculous secrets with Nicky...holding Avery up high over his head so she could reach the vine berries they had gone to pick last summer. And everything he was to her.

"What is it?" Cassian says quietly to her.

"Not now," she mumbles back. There's no need to do this in front of the children. But, oh, how is she supposed to tell them Zeyn might never come over to play with them again? There will never be a good time for this.

But Cassian insists. "They'll be fine for a few minutes. Come to the kitchen." He leads her out of the living room; they can still see the three of them building a tower together-or rather, Nicky and Ollie building one under Avery's strict instruction. "What is it?" he asks again.

She wrings her hands together. Bite the inside of her cheek. She can't bear to look at him, so she fixes on a spot on the floor when she says softly, "I ended things with Zeyn."

He doesn't hesitate. "Nesta," he says, pulling her into a hug.

She doesn't wrap her arms around him. That feels wrong.

"I'm sorry," he says gently. "I know how much he meant to you."

Nesta blinks tears out of her eyes. "You do not."

"No," he agrees, "but I have a good guess."

She wants to give him a reason. Wants to say, I didn't do this for you, I did this...but there isn't one. Not a good one, at any rate. She broke Zeyn's heart because she'll never love him the way he wants her too, and it was starting to hurt both of them badly.

"He's a good male."

"I know he is. Of course he is. He's good to you. He's good to them."

Nesta tilts her head automatically to look at the children when he says that. She feels an unexpected burst of anger when she sees them, Nicky laughing as some part of Avery's architectural plan fails and comes crashing down. All of this could've been avoided. Zeyn didn't ever need to be a part of her life and she wouldn't be feeling this miserable if just one thing had been different.

"You're spiraling," he says.

"I'm not," she says, feeble.

He chuckles and drops a kiss on the top of her head. "You're going to be all right, Nesta."

She squints up at him. "What about everyone else?"

"We'll get there."

"I really hurt him." She doesn't mean to say it, just blurts it out. "I really, really hurt him."

"I know," he says. Now he does hesitate. "I think...you're not entirely responsible for how everyone reacts to the things you do, Nesta. You're only living your life. You sacrifice enough for them-" here he nods towards the living room-"and you don't have to give the same to everyone else. Even if they love you. Even if they're really good to you."

Hm. "Well," she says, keeping her voice even. "Someone's been studying counseling psychology."

He laughs-good. This is too much for one afternoon. "What can I say? There are a lot of books lying around here." He grins at her before going to join the children.

She sighs and leans against the kitchen island as she watches the four of them play together. She supposes it's only natural to feel the pain of what very well might be the end of her relationship with Zeyn forever, but that was only the first step in what she has to do. She was honest with Zeyn, but there's still another male to whom she has to confess her feelings.

June 19 - year of

Nesta felt like if herself from a year ago had met herself now, the former would loathe her. But she couldn't help her humming or swaying. She was just...happy.

It was near bliss. Now they weren't even interrupted by Cassian's trips to other camps because Nesta simply joined him. Not ideal, of course, but she didn't mind too much. And people in their camp knew. Cassian told her gleefully that his "association" with her was enough to put some of the younger rebels in line in his presence, but she didn't much care about that. What she liked to see was when she and Cassian walked about the town and people weren't surprised to see them together. How they called her the General's lady now. Secretly, of course. She'd never admit that to him.

But still, only near bliss. The ever-looming cloud dawned two days before the Summer Solstice when Cassian apologetically told her he'd have to go to the Summer Court.

"It's my first time being invited back. Amren got Varian to sway Tarquin...I'm sorry," he said.

She said stiffly, "It's fine."

"Nesta..." He sighed. "You could come, you know."

She clasped her hands together in her lap. "I don't think so."

He leaned forward and dropped his head in the crook of her shoulder. "If I beg, will you?"

Nesta softened. "No. But you might try it anyway."

Cassian chuckled. Then he said, picking up his head, "I mean...you're going to come back eventually. I just mean," he hurried at the look on her face, "you're going to want to see your sisters again. So why not here? It's not Velaris. Isn't that better?"

"Neutral ground?" she said dryly.

"Well...yes. Nesta, please. I don't like having to leave you every time I'm needed elsewhere."

She'd gotten so good at not snapping at him when he said things like that. In truth, he had gotten better at not irritating her. So now she didn't scowl and say Just don't go, then; only gave a little shrug and leaned forward to kiss his cheek. "Have fun," she said lightly.

He sighed. "I'll miss you."

She gave him a smile. He'd have his whole family and hers. She'd miss him more.

February 14 - 4 years after

The next day, her mood has barely improved, but she manages to go to work. It'll be good, she thinks, to focus on these projects and take her mind off things. Plus, Cassian won't be there. And neither will Zeyn, she suspects.

And he is not, when she arrives, but news of them has, judging by the looks she keeps getting. Maz scowls at her-which is nothing new, of course, but she doesn't have the energy to snap back.

Leyla and Miri are kind, however. Leyla offers her a coffee and a small peck on the cheek. Sweet of her, considering Zeyn's never going to get her her daily fix again.

"You haven't done anything wrong," Miri says to her in hushed tones.

"Doesn't feel that way."

"Oh, I know, my sweet." She hugs her. "Don't fret. Everything will be fine."

She summons a smile for her in thanks. But perhaps coming here was wrong...cruel, even. Now Zeyn might feel like he won't be allowed to come.

And useless, too, apparently, because Cassian walks in the door before lunch.

She rushes over to greet him, ignoring Maz's muttering as she sweeps past him. "What is it?" she asks. "Did Ollie-"

"No, no. I mean, they're all still at nursery. It's just...I'll have to go back to Velaris tomorrow."

"Oh," she says. "Do you know when you can come back?" She has to ask, even though she knows he can't possibly know yet.

"Not for a while," he answers. "So I wanted to ask you if you'd come. Not right now, if you don't want to. But maybe...next week?"

Nesta crosses her arms over her chest. "What's the occasion?"

He raises an eyebrow. "Why does there have to be an occasion? They're my children. You're their mother. Why did I come here? To be with you. Isn't that enough?"

Nesta blinks. "All right," she says. The children had enjoyed their last visit. She'd like to see her sisters again, tentative as their relationship is. It might be nice to meet with Emerie for lunch. "I'll figure out when."

He grins. "Good. Great. Well...just wanted to tell you that. I'll see you at home." He moves strangely, leans forward then jerks back. Like he would kiss her, but then thought better of it. Probably the right thing to do.

She turns to snap at Maz for staring at her, but Adil appears just as she opens her mouth.

"A word, Nesta?" he says.

She follows him into his office and shuts the door behind her. It looks the same as when she first entered it years ago when he gave her a job; the only thing that's changed is which books are crowded everywhere.

"You're going to Velaris?" he asks.

"Everyone eavesdropped, then?" she grumbles. She's used to everyone in Sugar Valley being a busybody, but she doesn't like it.

"A prospective client wrote to me," he says. "Romance novelist." He tells her the name, and Nesta recognizes her as the author of the series Elain had given her for their first Solstice.

"That's a big name," she says in surprise. "She reached out to you herself?"

Adil nods. "She wants to leave her publisher."

Nesta's eyes widen. "Leave and come here? Really?"

"She likes the sound of us," he says, smiling faintly. "It'd be a challenge, expanding overseas, but...if we know we'll have readers, her base...it's going to be much easier. So I'd like to open a location there."

Nesta inhales sharply.

"While you're there...if you could meet with her...and scout locations..."

"A Sugar Books in the Night Court? Are you going to be going there too?"

"Occasionally," he says, making a face. Adil doesn't like leaving this town to Chokecherry Falls, much less crossing the sea. "I'd need someone permanently there, though. As Head Archivist. I don't know if you've already decided to move," he says, raising a hand. "But if you want it...the job's yours." He hesitates. "You know this will always be your home."

"I know," she says simply. "I have to catch up on work."

"Let me know, then," Adil says, nodding.

He's in sync with her, Adil. He knows it's too much to think about right now. She should keep her mind focused on something else entirely until everything is clear enough to make a decision. But her thoughts keep trailing back...living in Velaris? Going back to that place?

Too much for one afternoon.

But she had to be quick.

June 21 - year of

How long did a person have to be gone for someone to miss them so much it ached? A long time, Nesta thought. For physical pains to manifest, a person had to be gone for at least six months. And gone somewhere horrible, like to war. Certainly not two days after they left for a summer paradise, which made Nesta's current predicament-donned in Cassian's shirt, head on his pillow, trying to imagine the feel of him next to her-so spectacularly pathetic.

He didn't miss her this much. Obviously. He was probably enjoying himself, at some party with her sister and Rhysand and Morrigan. Drunk on good quality wine. Maybe watching a show, a dance on water, put on by the Summer Court's faeries. He probably wasn't even thinking about her. Maybe offhand, maybe Nesta would like these fruit cups but not like this. Not all-consuming, not overwhelming, not painful.

It had barely been three days, for pity's sake. She needed to get a hold of herself. Maybe she should go for a run. Or visit Emerie. No, she decided, glancing at the clock. It was nearly midnight. She just needed to sleep. Just close her eyes, and sleep would come. Maybe she should go into her room. His scent was too strong here; it was distracting. She couldn't possibly sleep like this. No one could.

But...her room would be cold. It was near empty now, with most of her things gradually taking their place in the living room or this one. She hadn't slept in that beed in weeks. It would be uncomfortable, wouldn't it? And the sheets would be stiff; she hadn't changed them since she started sleeping here. It was too late in the night to find new ones, so she should just-was that the door?

Nesta sat up just as Cassian entered the room.

"I left as soon as I could," he said. "I missed you too much to stay."

Nesta didn't bother hiding her relief. "Good," she said, sighing.

He unarmed himself, laying his weapons on a table. "I'm going to shower," he said. He left his shirt on the floor behind him as he walked into the bathroom.

This was highly unusual. Nesta didn't see the harm in leaving clothing on the floor overnight, if one would take it to the laundry in the morning, but Cassian was-obviously-military-like in his order. Nesta stared at the shirt for a few moments while she processed what just happened. Cassian had left the Summer Court, flew hours in the night after having been specially invited to celebrate the Solstice, told her he had missed her too much, left his shirt on the floor...

And left the bathroom door open. And the water running inside.

Nesta pushed the sheets off her and straightened them out. She picked up the discarded shirt and made her way to the doorway, pausing a moment before entering.

A thin layer of steam had already clouded the mirror. Perhaps under different circumstances, that would have made her anxious. She'd been tossing in bed for some time now; she might like to assess the state of her hair. But the thought did not occur to her then.

The sheer curtain that separated them swayed slightly, from the water's strong pressure. Nesta extended a hand to pull it back.

Her mouth parted open slightly when she saw him. He turned his head to look at her.

"You left this on the floor," she said, holding up the shirt.

"You're letting the water spill out," he replied.

She smiled faintly and dropped it. She slipped out of hers and let it fall on top as she stepped inside and pulled the curtain back again.

"I missed you," she said.

Cassian didn't answer. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulls her in for a kiss.

Normally, Nesta's indecent. Because Cassian was the one who wanted to go slow, and so it was his responsibility to set the pace. But judging by the way he bit her lip and his liberality with his hands, she doubted he was calculating anything in particular. This made Nesta wonder if she was the one who was supposed to make them stop when they went too far-oh, but how was she to know, if he was the one who made these definitions-but then his mouth left hers, and he kissed his way down her neck and breasts and belly and placed himself on his knees in front of her and she stopped thinking altogether.

She didn't regain a clear state of mind for some time, long after they made their way back to their bed.

"I really missed you," she told him softly.

He kissed her forehead. "Good."

A/N: I'd love to know your thoughts!