Chapter 20: Promises and Vows

Derek's Point-of-View

I was just about out of my mind. As if my full-time job wasn't pressing enough, the chief was on me about a decision and Addison was stalking me, that or she just so happened to be coincidentally around every corner I turned. Then, there were the four children I had at home that I was now solely responsible for. I know I deserve to feel this way after what I did, but...

Fuck. My. Life.

I hadn't shaved in three days, meaning I had the starts of an unruly beard. I was in no condition to see patients and didn't really want to, but I was being incessantly paged to the PIT, after the fifth shriek in a row I headed down…only to be met by the Nazi Jr and my wife's best friend.

"Are you the one that paged me?"

"Yes." She grimaced "Not because I wanted to." She gulped and got a solemn look on her face "I did it because she wants you."

"She?" I panicked, thinking it was another one of Addison's tricks. That is until I heard a familiar yell coming from the other side of trauma bay 2. I looked through the window in the door to confirm my suspicion, my heart jumped, and my stomach twisted all at once "Meredith is here."

"Yes." Cristina hissed "She fell pretty hard down the stairs this morning and they sent her here for precaution. She's checked out alright, nothing in the CT."

"Thank you." I breathed as I looked at the films "For paging me…thank you."

"Yeah well like I said, I didn't do it for you." She mumbled, I looked at her "She keeps asking for you. But not you, you…the old you. She thinks you guys are only dating, she keeps asking if her boyfriend Derek is here yet. She probably won't recognize you, not with you looking like shit and all."

"I'm a little too busy to shave."

"Yeah, well just go make up some story so they can discharge her and send her…" she stopped as an expression of pain crossed her face.

"Home." I finished for her "Send her home."

"It's not her home." She hissed under her breath as she stared at the floor and shook her head. "It's not her home."

"What the hell am I supposed to do about that!" I snapped "This is what she wanted, am I a bad guy for doing what she wants?"

"When what she wants is breaking your vows, then yeah Derek. You're a bad guy." She said poignantly "But you're a pro at that by now right?"

She turned on her heels and rushed off to another trauma, I looked through the window at Meredith as she sat in the hospital bed and nervously chewed on her lips. I let out a soft breath as I wondered what was going through her head, and if there was a small chance she recognized me at all.

"Good morning Ms. Grey." I said as I pushed my way through the door. Her eyes shot up and she looked hopeful for a moment…but then her eyes fell as I realized I wasn't the one she wanted walking through the door "Looks like you're doing alright so we can get you out of here."

"Are you sure? I think I should wait. And it's a stupid reason to wait but I don't want to be rude."

"There's no hurry here." I smiled as I walked over and started to examine her.

"I'm just so confused right now." She confided in me "I don't even know how I got here. I don't even know how I got in Seattle. It seemed like just this morning I was on the east coast, but this is Seattle Grace and it's a lovely hospital, but not just down the street from where I live ya know?"

"Yeah." I smirked "It is pretty far from the east coast."

"So I called my boyfriend, he said he'd be here soon. I'm sure he is worrying himself sick, he's one of those guys."

"One of those guys?" I frowned.

"Since I've had a set of boobs, I've been a dress over my head party girl. I've been focused but only enough on school. I didn't care because my mother wanted me to go to school and she's dead. So, I just wanted to have fun, and the fun guys are all jerks who don't call and avoid you at other social events. But Derek…he's different."

"So, he's a nice guy?"

"Yeah." She smiled with a familiar twinkle in her eye "I think he's a good guy…the guy you know will never hurt you."

I tried not to let her see me flinch. I was that guy, the guy who wasn't ever going to hurt her…I don't know how I let myself ever do it.

"Anyways, I'm sorry I'm wasting your time."

"It's no waste." I said as I sat down "I don't mind waiting with you."

She smiled as her eyes searched my face, I nervously waited to see if she would make a connection, and finally her eyes settled into mine and stared deeply within them as if she was looking right through me all over again.

"Why are your eyes so sad." She asked, "What's with the beard, you don't look like the guy who just lets himself go."

"I'm not." I mumbled "But well, things happened. I did things, terrible things. And now I am having a hard time. I used to be a good guy, but now I'm not."

"We all do terrible things." She mumbled back "It doesn't mean we're bad people." She leaned in "Like this guy Derek I am dating. I only went out with him to make his friend Mark jealous, and it didn't work so I just kept dating him and going further because I thought at some point it'd make him mad with envy."

What the hell…Meredith wanted Mark first?

"Somewhere along the way I fell for Derek. Maybe that was wrong of me to do, but it turned out ok. Does that make me a bad person? I like to think not."

"It' doesn't." I said after finally finding my voice "You're not a bad person, not even close."

"Good." She smiled "So you won't tell him, will you? When he gets here…he doesn't have to know that right?"

"Your secret is safe with me." I smirked. "What I did was bad, it was really, really bad."

"We're all imperfect people." She shrugged, "If you want, I can give you a hug, I am told my hugs are pretty warm and fuzzy."

I found myself smiling and giving her a nod. She leaned for me and I leaned into her with my arms ready to lace around her when it happened… her face turned to mine and mine to hers as if out of a lifelong habit and our lips hooked together. Our lips intertwined and our tongues touched for a moment. I felt her lips abandon mine and I pulled back feeling like a moron, she was probably about ready to slap me silly or freak out.

I heard neither as I looked into her eyes and saw fear, and confusion.

"Derek?" she squeaked as tears filled her eyes.

"Meredith." I breathed.

"What…what happened. Where am I?"

"You're at the hospital. Apparently, you fell down a few stairs."

"I'm scared Derek." She whimpered, I leaned in and pulled her to me, so her tears collected on my shoulder "I'm so scared."

"I know baby." I whispered into her hair as I rubbed a hand up and down her back "But it'll be ok, I promise."

I leaned back just enough to look into her tear soaked eyes.

"I know I don't have the right to promise you anything, especially after what I did. But I promise…I promise that it'll be ok."

"Derek!" the chief waved at me as I made my way to the lobby of the surgical wing.

I'd been up all night as I tried to make my decision. Actually, I'd made my decision pretty quickly, it was how I was going to announce it that was keeping me awake. I'd managed to shave and look like a professional human being.

"Are you ready for this?" he said with excitement "This is a big day for you."

"Actually chief," I cut into the conversation "There's something I need to say."

"Save it." He chuckled "I want to hear it from the podium, I always knew you'd make it this far Derek, I always knew."

I let out a deep sigh as the torment churned in my gut, as I reached the stairs I spotted Addison, or at least she made her presence known to me as well as a challenging stare. I gave her a second glance to give me the courage to do this before stepping up to the first landing and turning to meet my peers and the few journalists who found this story interesting.

I held my head up high, something I wasn't able to do often, something I didn't have the right to do. In order to do this, I had to hold it up high, I knew what I was about to do was the right thing.

"Thank you all for coming today." I said with a clear of my throat. "I'm sure that most of you already know the nature of this meeting. I was offered the position of chief of surgery for this hospital. It's been a lifelong dream of mine to be at this point in my career, and it would be an incredible honor to accept it."

Richard beamed and smiled at me with pride as I took a pause to stuff my note cards into my pocket. I lifted my head back up and my smile faded.

"But I can't." I heard a few soft gasps in the crowd gathered "Fifteen years ago, before taking a vow to save lives…I took another vow. A vow to have and to hold, I took that with a woman who was and is still the love of my life. Most of you know that she is suffering from early onset Alzheimer's…she took herself away on her own accord, she went to live in an assisted living facility so that life…would be easier on me. But life doesn't work that way and letting her do that would be going against my vows. To love her in sickness and in health, for better or worse."

I looked at Addison for a second as her cheeks became flushed with anger.

"Forsaking all others." I continued "Which brings me to my next announcement. Seven months ago, I engaged in an extra-marital affair with an intern in this staff. It was wrong and a mistake that I will have to live with for the rest of my life."

I was surprised bodies weren't dropping to the floor in shock.

"So I came up here today, not to give you my life's story. A part of me wishes that I could take the chief up on this offer. But I can't, I've been focusing on medicine for the last 15 years and though I've had immense support, the ones I love, and the ones supporting me have been the ones paying the price. So, I'm here now, saying that not only can I not take the position of chief of surgery, but I will also be stepping down as head of neurosurgery and I will be taking an extended leave of absence to be with those who need me most."

I stepped down the stairs and off to the side of the crowd just as all hell broke loose. I hoped he would wait until I got into my office before, he started yelling…and lucky for me he did. I turned at my desk as I heard the door slam shut.

"Richard."

"You mind telling me just what the hell that was!"

"It was pretty self-explanatory." I replied calmly "I am stepping down; I can't do this right now. I can't. Meredith needs me."

"Meredith doesn't even know who you are!" he screamed, I flinched.

"No." I mumbled as I crossed my arms and shook my head "No she doesn't. But that doesn't mean that I don't know who she is. That doesn't mean that our marriage vows are crap. Maybe it seems like it's too late to take them seriously now…but I am, I'm taking them seriously."

"You can't do this to me Derek. I need to retire!"

"You do need to retire Richard. You needed to retire 20 years ago, but I am not the man for the job."

"You need time to think." He hissed at me "You're obviously not thinking clearly."

"Actually." I said "For the first time in a year, I'm thinking clearly."

He scoffed and turned to exit my office.

"It's been an honor Richard, I didn't want to do this in a way that disrespected you, because I am grateful for all you did for me. But I need to stop putting my family last and put them first. I'm sorry….and I'll have my office cleaned out by the end of the day."

He slammed the door behind him as he stormed out, I then let out the first sigh of relief I'd felt in too long and turned to start packing up my office.

As hard as it was right now…and as much as I would like to believe it'd get better, but knew it probably wouldn't.

I knew…I KNEW, that I did the right thing.

Thoughts?