Chapter 18: Closer (again)

It's been about two weeks since that dinner at Brittany's and you still haven't heard from her. It took you the whole first week to realize that she doesn't even have your number but then again, she also lives with Jake and Mercedes, and they do. But also by that logic, you too could have easily asked them for her number by now.

However, it does stand to reason that she's respecting your boundaries by not asking for it. So naturally, you're doing the same. Even though you kind of want to.

"Santana, are you even listening!?" Rachel's voice cuts through the headphones and you cringe at the noise.

"I am now." You sigh, rubbing your temple.

"I want you to come in exactly three-tenths of a second late on that last line." She explains and you stare blankly at her until she leans into the mic again, "Is there a problem?"

"Did you just say three-tenths of a second?"

"Yes. It'll sound better."

"How the hell am I- no, you know what? Hell no." You take off the headphones and head straight through the booth door towards Rachel, "We've been at this for four hours now. How about I punch you in the face for three-tenths of a second? How would that sound?"

"Jeez, nevermind. We'll just figure it out on this end." She holds her hands up in defense, "You don't have to get so aggressive."

"So I can leave then? You don't need me anymore?"

"For now."

"Good." You grab your things and walk out of the studio, "I'm going to lunch."

As you walk to your favorite lunch spot, your mind wanders to Brittany again. Something about not being right in front of her has you second guessing everything and you don't know if you can actually do this again. You think about texting Mercedes to meet you but then decide against it and text Kurt instead. You need third-party advice from someone that hasn't already been charmed by Brittany. Someone that would most likely be on your side.

"You should definitely call her first." Kurt deadpans, shoving a california roll into his mouth.

"What the hell, lady lips. You're supposed to be on my side!"

"Your side is cold and depressing. Plus, it's obvious you want to. You're just fishing for an excuse not to. Don't try to pin that on me."

You groan in response and let your head rest flat on the table. This isn't fair.

"Don't be dramatic, Santana. And sit up before your shirt forms awkward wrinkles." He rolls his eyes when you don't move, "Besides, what are you so afraid of? All she said was that she wanted to be friends. What's the real issue here?"

You shake your head as best you can, "It's too much. It's too risky."

"You keep saying that but I don't get what you mean. What's the big risk? Falling in love again? Would that seriously be the worst thing in the world?"

"What if it were you? What if eyebrows came back wanting to be friends again?" You scoff, bitterness laced in your voice.

"Don't start with that." He holds up his finger, "My situation is different and you know it."

You sigh, knowing that was a low blow. It's been about a year since his divorce and even though you're happy he finally stood up for himself, you know he's still heartbroken over it.

"Stop being a baby about it and at least get her phone number. Or go and visit the church. I'm sure Jake and Mercedes would love to see you again too. How long has it been since your last session with her?"

"Two weeks. I keep rescheduling."

"Are you kidding me? Doesn't she have like a deadline or something?"

You groan again and he shakes his head at you, "I already know I'm a shit friend, okay? You don't have to rub it in. Everything is just so damn complicated and I can't wrap my head around it all just yet."

He doesn't respond right away and it isn't until you finally look back at him that you see the pity in his eyes. You hate it when he does that but at the same time you know he only means well. So you soften and sit up, letting him hold your hand in his.

"Santana, maybe you need to talk to someone about this? You gotta unpack all of this somehow and maybe it's best to do it with a professional."

"I can't." You close your eyes and imagine all the years you spent in therapy as a teenager, "I can't do that."

"Just think about it? There's good ones out there, I promise. I can help you look if you want."

He's probably right. You know your issues need to be worked out with someone other than your friends but you're scared. You had a good thing going before Brittany came back into your life. You were getting by. Do you really want to drum up all of those emotions again?

"Just think about it?"

"Yeah," You sigh, poking at the wasabi on your plate with your chopsticks, "I'll think about it."

Mercedes finishes her album a few weeks after you work up the courage to face her again. It surprises you that she avoids the topic of a certain tall blonde and you think it's probably because she was told not to push the subject any further.

But yet, you get the feeling she's baiting you at times. She'd often ask about your plans for the weekend, particularly Sundays. You'd then make up some excuse off the top of your head, usually involving Kurt or Rachel and she'd concede. Sometimes she'd bring Jake around to ask about your plans after the session and, not trusting them after the last time, you'd decline all invitations to go out for dinner.

The final straw was when Mercedes brings a single breakfast cupcake into the studio and you are immediately weak to the smell of it. Blueberry. You know it's Brittany's.

"Did you want a bite or something?" She smirks knowingly and it's then that you realize you've been staring at it this whole time. You clear your throat and shake your head.

"I know what you're doing. It's not going to work."

"And what is it that I'm doing?"

"Seducing me."

Mercedes snorts, nearly choking on her muffin, "Girl, now I know you've lost your mind. Trust. I do not want all up on that. No offense, but you're kind of a hot mess. Like, a real hot mess."

"Excuse me? What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're a damn coward, Santana." She says it with attitude and you can barely react before she goes on, "And you're ruining a perfectly good shot with Brittany."

You scoff, "You don't know what you're talking about, Mercedes."

"Maybe not. But I do know Brittany and she already laid it out for you. All you have to do is try. Just meet her halfway. Look, we both know she's not going to push you. In fact, I'm actually shocked that she hasn't yet, but when I get home after each session, I can see how much it hurts her to hold herself back from asking about you."

You sit back in your chair and let that sink in. It's been two weeks of therapy and so far all it's done for you is make you relive your pain all over again. It's made you realize how much Brittany meant to you. But also, it's made you realize how much would have had to change in order for this to work again. And you don't know if you can trust her like that again. Or even ever. You don't know if you're capable.

"She's not asking for your hand in marriage, Santana. She just wants to be your friend again."

"See but that's what's most terrifying." You finally speak up, "We all know how that ended up last time. Or worse, what if too much has changed and she realizes she doesn't even like me as a friend anymore?"

"That's not going to happen."

"But it's possible."

Mercedes laughs at that, "Girl, you need to stop overthinking everything. You're gonna spiral out."

"I'm already spiraling out." You groan into your hands.

"You gotta live on faith, Santana. Things aren't going to get better until you do." Her eyes hold yours, "Look, I know it'll take time, and our sessions are pretty much over after today, but at least promise me you'll keep in touch, okay?"

"I'm not falling for another Brittany ambush." You shake your head and she laughs, nodding.

"I promise no more tricks. You're pretty cool and I still wanna hang out sometimes after we finish this album." She chuckles, "And maybe next time you could include Jake when you text me 911 and drop a pin. I almost called the police."

You shrug, rolling your eyes, "I needed to make sure you'd show."

"Of course I'd show. It's my album we're working on. But you could've just told me you were free to pick up our sessions again."

"I have no regrets."

"You're just as dramatic as Rachel Berry, you know that right?"

Your eyes widen, taking offense, "Normally I would cut a bitch for talking to me like that."

She laughs, unfazed, "But you know I'm right."

"Yeah well."

A week after Mercedes finishes recording her album, Jake and Brittany throw her an album wrap party. Jake is the one that invites you, obviously, but you're torn. You want to support your new friend, but that means running into Brittany again.

You can't stop thinking about her and you hate yourself for it. You've spent so much time healing, if you can even call it that, and with just one interaction, you're lost in her again. Hey eyes, her smile, god her smell. It's like she's surrounding you and you want to both embrace it and push it away.

But you also can't not go to the wrap party. It's Mercedes' first album and that's a big deal.

Which is why you now find yourself outside of some dumb trendy new restaurant, slowly pacing back and forth on the sidewalk.

"You okay, Santana?" Jake walks out of the restaurant doors. You look pointedly at him as if it's obvious and he laughs.

"I don't think I can do this."

"Walk into a restaurant?"

"Walk into a restaurant that Brittany is in."

"Oh well, that's easy." He smiles, "She's not even here yet."

"Wait, what?" You stop your pacing and look back at him, "Lead with that next time, kid."

Walking past him quickly, you enter the restaurant in hopes that you can get the pleasantries out of the way before Brittany shows. As you take a good look around, your eyes land on blonde hair and you freeze.

"You little punk." You turn back to Jake, ready to slap the smug look on his face off.

"I had to get you through the door."

"You promised me no more tricks."

"Correction. Mercedes promised you no more tricks."

"Did I do something to you to deserve this? Maybe in a past life or something?" You ask, narrowing your eyes at him.

"No," he smiles genuinely, "You were very nice to me in my past life."

Although his words are sweet, you shake your head. For the past two years you've often thought of him. You skipped town so suddenly that you never even had the chance to say a proper goodbye. There was no following up. You left him there right when he needed someone on his side.

You often wondered how his life turned out and now finally seeing him, actually seeing him and knowing that he's happy, it's like a weight has been lifted. No matter how hard it was, he made it out. He made it here.

"Come on, let's get you something to calm your nerves." He pulls you toward the bar.

You stay there for a while and watch the crowd around you. Jake left you shortly after your first drink to greet a few more new arrivals. Just as you get to work on your third gin and tonic, you finally lock eyes with the blonde across the room. By your rough estimate, she's probably on the same number of drinks as you and it shows. She's not drunk, but definitely tipsy enough to not care about hiding her smile every time you catch her staring at you.

It's about ten minutes later when Brittany decides to finally approach.

"Is this seat taken?" She motions to the obviously empty seat next to you. You shake your head.

"Yours if you want it."

Her eyes give you a quick once over and when they connect with yours again, a shade darker, "Oh, I definitely do."

A chill runs down your spine. Feisty.

She smirks as she sits, still turned toward you and proceeds to cross her legs almost agonizingly slow. You hadn't realized you were staring at them until she clears her throat and sits back into the chair. Smug.

"You enjoy watching me squirm, don't you?" You turn fully to her, feeling surprisingly bold in her presence for once.

Her eyebrow raises slightly and a smile tugs at her lips, "I really do."

It's strange how being next to her makes you feel both comfortable and uncomfortable. Then again, you're three drinks in and your inhibitions are low. You glance at her legs again and this time you notice something shiny resting at her ankle. Your breath catches in your throat when you realize it's the anklet you gifted her on Christmas and your heart soars at the thought of her still wearing it after all these years.

"Great work on the album, by the way." She says, interrupting your thoughts.

You push aside the voice screaming in her head and you shrug, "It was all Mercedes. I must say, girl's got real talent."

Brittany smiles again, but doesn't respond. Instead, she waves to the bartender to order herself another drink. When she gets it, she turns back to you.

"So are you dating anyone right now?" She asks without hesitation, stirring her cocktail with her straw. You can't help but watch her fingers and your cheeks grow hot. You really need to stop drinking.

"Brittany…"

"It's just a friendly question." She defends herself and you take a deep breath.

"No. I'm not dating anyone."

Brittany doesn't react to your answer. Almost as if she's debating on how she should. After a few seconds, she seems to have decided and speaks again, "Did you date?"

You raise an eyebrow, shaking your head, "That's not a friendly question."

"Did you?" She asks again, unwavered. You know she won't let it go.

"I did." You answer her truthfully. "You?"

She shrugs, "They never work out, do they? Usually after the first couple of months, I kind of just let them go. Almost like it's run its course y'know? They never feel… right, I guess."

You nod slowly, understanding completely what she means. For the most part, dating just end in meaningless sex and you feeling even worse than you did before.

"Plus, between work and ministry..." Brittany continues, shrugging.

You're surprised when you catch yourself smiling at the mention of her being involved with the church so much that she doesn't have time to date. It actually makes a lot of sense though. She cocks an eyebrow at you as if she's trying to read your thoughts and your smile widens, "Wait, let me guess… Youth Ministry?"

Her head immediately hangs, and a low chuckle escapes, "That easy to read, huh?"

"You've always had a soft spot for kids. It's your calling, Britt." You say, as if it's an obvious assumption and you can see the smile in her eyes.

"I believe that children are our future." She starts singing softly and your heart melts, turning you into a puddle. There isn't a snowball's chance in hell of stopping the smile that spreads across your face. Brittany returns it just as wide and, as if in slow motion, reaches her hand up to poke at your dimple.

"Wow, I've really missed these. To think I never would've seen them again..." Her hand lingers for a second too long and your head subconsciously tilts slightly toward her retreat.

And just like that you're drowning again. It's all too much to handle. Your cheek burns at her touch and the voice in the back of your mind tells you to grab hold of her hand and keep it there. If only you could just feel her skin under yours again, maybe everything will fall back into place. But no, you know it's not that easy anymore. And you know the alcohol in your system is to blame for this sudden urge.

"Sorry." Brittany mumbles, pulling back fully, "I couldn't help myself."

You shake your head and sit up a little straighter, trying to regain some composure, "It's fine."

"Speech!" Someone yells out and the crowd suddenly quiets down. You both turn your attention to Mercedes, standing in the middle of the room holding a glass of champagne.

"Thank you all for coming out tonight." Mercedes begins, looking around the room into a small sea of smiling faces, "This really means the world to me. Truth be told, I never would've made it this far if it wasn't for all of the love and support you've all shown me over the years. In some ways, each one of you pushed me to finally do this. Though, some more than others… sometimes a little aggressively."

"Hey, now!" Jake shouts from one of the tables and Brittany chuckles softly beside you as everyone laughs along.

"But in case I don't say it enough," Mercedes continues, smiling at him, "I genuinely appreciate and love all of you so much. And I'm so grateful to be surrounded by so many beautiful hearts and souls."

Speaking of beautiful, the rest of Mercedes' speech is drowned out from there. Turning slightly in your chair you have the perfect opportunity to observe Brittany's side profile this close without seeming creepy or getting caught. You watch as she smiles along with the group. Her skin looks as radiant as you remember it. Wisps of hair falling lightly over her forehead, bright and soft. Her eyes sparkle in the low light of the restaurant and the sound of her laughing softly ties it all together. She's stunning. Everything about her is stunning.

When Mercedes says something particularly funny, Brittany almost doubles over in laughter and glances back at you. When she sees you already staring at her, her features soften, almost blushing. She's caught you but she doesn't seem to mind.

"Sorry." You whisper but don't look away, "Couldn't help myself."

You quickly down the last of your drink to calm your nerves. You know you can't trust yourself around her while you've been drinking but you also can't get through this without the courage it brings you.

She turns to you fully and you can't bring yourself to tear your eyes away, trapped under her gaze.

"I don't think I've said this yet, but I'm really glad you decided to come tonight."

"I almost didn't make it inside. I was kind of freaking out."

"I know I saw." She giggles, "I was the one that sent Jake outside to get you."

"Sneaky…" You narrow your eyes, a hint of a smile behind them. Something in her expression shifts and you wonder what she's suddenly thinking of. It looks almost… sad.

"Am I going to see you again? After tonight?" Brittany asks softly, looking down, "I know you're finished working with Mercedes, but… you're not going to disappear on us, right?" She looks up, opens her mouth to say more but then decides against it.

It breaks you that she already looks this defeated so you can't control yourself when you respond, "I'll probably stop by the church to check it out."

Brittany's eyes light up at your words and you curse at yourself because it's too late to turn back now. You've put it out there and you can't take it back.

"I'd really like that, San."

"It's not a big deal," You shrug, trying to sound indifferent even though your subconscious is screaming at you, "Plus, your roommates know where I work and they are pretty persistent."

She chuckles, "Sometimes to a fault."

You sit with her in silence for a few more minutes before she gets pulled away by someone from the church and you're left alone again. Luckily, Mercedes joins you soon enough.

"You know, it's rude to not listen to the guest of honor during their speech."

"I don't know what you're talking about." You roll your eyes, knowing that it wasn't going to be long before she brings up Brittany.

"You two seemed cozy back here." She quirks an eyebrow, "I think I even saw some heart eyes from where I was standing."

"Shut up," You mumble.

She laughs, "Seriously though, thanks for coming, Santana. I know it must've been hard knowing she'd be here."

"It wasn't hard so much as it was nerve racking."

"I'm sure the alcohol helped."

You wink, "Why do you think I haven't left this spot all night?"

She shakes her head at you and orders a drink for herself, and one for you as well. When you look at her questioningly, she tells you that you owe her a 'cheers' for missing the end of her speech. You laugh, taking the glass of champagne and holding it up to her.

"Congrats, Cedes. It was a hell of a rough start but you did it."

"We did it." She smiles clicking her glass with yours, "I wouldn't even have an album to celebrate if it wasn't for you."

"Yes you would've." You laugh, "You already had a keys guy before me, remember?"

"Yeah, but whoever they were, I'm positive they're nothing compared to Santana Lopez."

You wave her off, rolling your eyes, "I'm already your friend, you don't have to suck up anymore."

The party ends not long after that and by the time you get home, you're completely sober. With the events of the night slowly sinking in, your mind wanders to Brittany. It was so easy to fall back into that flirty rhythm and as much as you hate to admit it, you can't help but feel that maybe this might work out in the end after all.

Then again, you still don't have Brittany's number and that's something that definitely has to change if this so-called friendship of yours is going to start.

Are you really that weak where one night with a few drinks seemingly crumbles your resolve?

Yes. Yes, you are.

You pull out your phone and send Jake and Mercedes a quick text. A couple of responses later, you ignore their first few messages composed of just exclamation points and save the new number to your contacts.

Now the hard part…

How forward is too forward? Brittany is most definitely sober now as well so you need to play it cool.

"Come on, Lopez. It's just a stupid text." You mutter to yourself quietly.

San: I hope it's okay, but I got your number from the kids.

The moment you press send, your eyes widen.

San: Not 'the kids' as in 'our' kids. The kids as in the younger humans that live with you…

A beat.

San: Not that you would have taken it that way. I just thought I'd clarify, just in case.

Another beat.

San: Oh, it's Santana, btw.

"Oh my god," You shut your eyes in agony. You're crashing and burning. Smooth, Lopez. Smooth.

You're completely miserable as you wait for her reply. If there even will be one. For all you know she could be sleeping already. Thankfully, your phone immediately buzzes in your hand.

Britt: Don't worry, 'the kids' already told me you finally asked for it.

Britt: Oh, it's Brittany, btw.

You smile at her messages, rolling your eyes. Of course they already told her. It wasn't even five minutes and they gave her away. Those damn traitors.

San: Please let 'the kids' know they're now dead to me.

Britt: San, that's mean. You can't just disown our children like that.

San: Snitches get stitches.

Britt: :(

You actually laugh at that, knowing that she's most definitely sporting one of her signature frowns.

San: Okay fine. They can live.

San: For now.

AN: I must sound like a broken record but thanks again for all your patience with me on this guys. Hope you're all doing well and are staying safe. Also… shout out to the Brittana Discord server :P If anyone out there is looking for a found family, look no further and consider joining! It's a blast in there.