If you missed them, please go back to the previous chapter notes and read the trigger warnings for these next two chapters. Seriously.
And, If you are ever feeling the things described in these chapters, please reach out. I never believed that things would get better but I promise you that they do. Reach. Out. People care. Be excellent to eachother.
DISCLAIMER: I have made no attempts to romanticize anything in this chapter or in the next. Grief is not tragically beautiful. Traumatic stress is not always boisterous and melodramatic, and is often insidious. Suicide is not glamorous. It is horrific, and agonizing, and downright disturbing, and is not a point you ever want to reach. There are no intense or violent enough words to describe the amount of pain it takes to break in this way.
ooooooo
Nobody watched me before, now I am watched.
The tulips turn to me, and the window behind me
Where once a day the light slowly widens and slowly thins,
And I see myself, flat, ridiculous, a cut-paper shadow
Between the eye of the sun and the eyes of the tulips,
And I have no face, I have wanted to efface myself.
The vivid tulips eat my oxygen.
- excerpt from "Tulips", a poem by Sylvia Plath
Chapter 21: Listen Before I Go
September 1st - Konohagakure
Sighing, Sakura set down the clipboard she was holding and leaned back in her mesh desk-chair, rubbing the sides of her face. She'd gotten back the test results the previous evening, and had poured over them all night instead of sleeping. After cross-referencing the information with every medical journal she could access, Sakura still had no idea what to make of what they found; if she hadn't been stressed enough before this mystery was thrown into her lap, Sakura certainly was now. With Sasuke's trial, Naruto's recovery, the project she was working on with Ino, and this new variable, her anxiety was nearing critical mass - a fact evidenced by the increased frequency of her migraines over the past several weeks. Glancing at the clock on the wall, she saw that it was already nearing eight in the morning.
"Dammit, I was supposed to check on her at seven," she muttered.
Stretching her sore neck and back as she stood up, Sakura made a mental note to try and find herself a chair that wouldn't contribute to the disproportionate aging of her spine. After grabbing the dreaded chart off of her desk, Sakura left her office and hurried towards her destination. The halls were silent save for the quiet beeping of the various machines and monitors in each of the occupied rooms, and the occasional sneeze or cough; the fluorescent lights were almost too bright for her tired eyes as they reflected off of the linoleum flooring. Usually, Sakura welcomed the bland and sterile environment of the hospital, but on this particular day she wished for nothing more than a hint of color and warmth to soothe her weary mind.
Upon reaching the room, she pushed open the light-weight wooden door - perhaps a bit too enthusiastically - and frightened Neji, who was sitting in a small chair on the far wall and staring out the window, as per usual. A familiar group of sparrows had been perched on a section of the rooftop visible through the small pane of glass, and the birds seemingly startled in tune with the young man as they took flight and disappeared from his area of view. Neji jumped to his feet in an obvious effort to play off his nervous reaction and whirled on her, mild panic flashing in his eyes before he realized it was only Sakura. It was fitting, Sakura thought to herself, that the diligent Neji Hyuga should like to watch the sparrows flutter about, and she wondered if it was something he ever did intentionally.
"Ah, sorry Neji. I didn't mean to startle you," she said.
"It's alright. I was a bit spaced-out."
Hiding the small, amused smile on her lips, Sakura walked over to the bedside and peered down at Aratashiki, who was sleeping peacefully. Just as she had been for the past thirty-three days. Some kind of coma had gripped the woman, but unlike her standard comatose patients Ara didn't experience muscle atrophy or decreased brain activity, and most importantly, there was no tangible evidence of any interference between the brainstem and cerebrum. Typically, a coma was caused by the shutdown of the reticular activating system(RAS) - that controls brain signals and consciousness - as a result of the RAS cells losing blood flow or oxygen, such as from a stroke or traumatic brain injury. This was not the case for Ara; there was clearly something interfering with her brain activity, but said thing was invisible and would be undetectable if not for having the blatant effect of inducing a comatose-like state.
In short, Aratashiki was perfectly healthy, and had been since arriving at the hospital; she just wasn't awake.
"I've noticed those sparrows seem to follow you around. Crowned, I assume?" Sakura asked, beginning to check her vitals anyways, as was routine, and trying to keep the mood light.
Neji hummed in agreeance, impressed by her correct identification of the subspecies. "Golden-crowned, yes. I didn't know you were versed in ornithology."
"Oh, not at all. I know the local species, but only because I spent far too much time scrubbing their shit off of the sidewalk entrance and benches during my 'training'." Sakura laughed softly before strapping the cuff of a sphygmomanometer to Ara's bicep, so she could measure her blood pressure.
"Well, sparrows can signify hard-work, though I don't imagine the intention is for them to be the cause of said work," Neji replied, a hint of amusement present in his tone. "On a somewhat related note, there has been a rather large owl perched outside of the window at night."
Remaining quiet for a moment before answering, Sakura counted the korotkoff sounds - quiet taps or knocks given off by the instrument - and recorded Ara's systolic and diastolic readings once they stopped. 120/80mmhg. Perfect, as she expected.
"That's odd. I didn't think we had any large owl species in this region," Sakura said.
"We don't." Neji frowned, bothered by something. "I believe it is a snowy owl. A little over a meter tall, too - more than double the known size for the creatures, simply unnatural. It just...sits there on the roof, and stares into the window."
His description held a rather unsettling undertone. "Hmm. It could just be a stray summoning animal. Look at it as a sign of her endurance - and our patience," Sakura suggested. "You could say he's undergoing a healing transformation, and-"
"Sighting an owl can also be an omen of death," he interrupted.
Aye, there's the rub, Sakura thought. It wasn't impossible that the supposed 'omen' was for some other person; she didn't want to dwell on it, though. How unfortunate that she would soon have to give him the news she did have. However, an extra moment of procrastination couldn't hurt too much.
"So, did Hinata stay here last night? Has she seen the owl as well?" she asked.
"Yes. She left earlier to accompany Naruto to his physical therapy appointment," Neji replied, moving to stand on the other side of the hospital bed.
He gave no indication as to whether or not the yes was in answer to her second question as well, but Sakura decided against pressing the matter. "Ah. You know, it's really sweet of you to visit her so often."
Neji brought a hand up to scratch his forehead, conveniently obscuring the hint of red tinging his cheeks; they both knew exactly what she was doing, and he was easy to tease. Sakura couldn't say for sure what kind of feelings existed between Neji and Aratashiki, since the latter never discussed the topic with her or any of the other girls, but it was obvious that they cared for each other.
"I'm just continuing my assignment from the Hokage. From before the war."
"Right," Sakura said, smiling. "Anyways, she's still in good health. Nothing has changed in that regard."
Trailing off, Sakura glanced at the clipboard sitting on the side table. It was time to begrudgingly turn his frown down-side down, assuming it was even possible for the expression to worsen.
"There's something else?" Neji asked, narrowing his eyes. He could see right through the pinkette, who wasn't known for her poker faces. Like her mentor, Sakura was coincidentally awful at gambling as well; only in her case, it was due to her too-honest expressions and not bad luck.
"I had some of her blood sent to a lab belonging to a colleague - Katasuke Tōno, though I doubt you've met him. He's one of our tokubetsu jonin."
"I see, I haven't heard of him. What did he find?"
"Well, I noticed during the fight against the Juubi that Ara was burning through chakra at an alarming rate."
"To be fair, she was using abilities that required immense amounts of energy."
"Yes, you are correct. However, when I was helping regenerate chakra I noticed something odd. It was like...after a certain point, her body stopped storing additional chakra."
With a frown so severe that his mouth might've risked falling clean off of his face, Neji glanced down at Ara's sleeping form. "What do you mean?"
"Her chakra reserves are massive. Incomprehensible, even, because I can't quantify them yet - not without seeing the upper limit. And I do know that they haven't fully recovered, even now. Think of it like filling up a pot with water, but halfway up the sides there is a hole - the pot never fills up past where the hole is, because the water starts to leak out."
"She isn't emitting any chakra, though, so where would it all be going?"
With a concerned sigh, Sakura reached for her clipboard to read over Katasuke's report once again.
"That's the mystery. According to the lab's findings, they think it's some type of virus or parasite, maybe a cross between the two. They found something in her blood cells resembling a retro-virus. The prevailing theory is that the virus is inhibiting the synthesis of new chakra - not completely, but by a significant amount. Additionally, it seems to be consuming whatever chakra her cells do manage to synthesize. The end result is this stagnation we're seeing."
Retroviruses are distinct from other viruses due to the way they replicate within an organism's cells. They use RNA as their genetic material, and have a special enzyme called reverse transcriptase that they are named after. The virus operates by fusing with a target cell's membrane so it can enter into the cell body. Then, it uses the reverse transcriptase enzyme to turn its RNA into DNA, thus making it compatible with the host's genome. Next, the viral DNA is injected into the cell nucleus, where it uses a different enzyme called integrase to insert the viral DNA into the host's DNA. It takes over the host cell and uses its facilities to create new viral particles that will go and infect additional cells.
Looking up at Neji, Sakura saw that he had activated his byakugan and was examining her chakra pathways for himself. Unfortunately, there wasn't much to see at that level.
"How strange. Is this a known disease? Could it be infectious?"
Sakura shook her head. "No, I've never seen anything like it mentioned in our records. It isn't infectious either, because the viral bodies became defunct as soon as they were extracted from her blood cells, and did not react to any other blood or tissue samples thereafter. It might not even be a disease, in fact; the strangest part are the viral bodies themselves - while they do contain and utilize the reverse transcriptase enzyme, they themselves aren't made of organic material, and they don't replicate. Unlike how a living virus would."
Neji just stared at her, unsure of what that all meant. "So then...what is it?"
"Whatever it is, it was engineered by someone. Something like this isn't even possible with our current knowledge, as far as I know, but the 'virus' is some kind of technology. Since the 'nanites' - as Katasuke calls them - don't replicate, thousands of them must have been injected at once, and remained in her bloodstream ever since. They do contain genetic material, but as with the enzyme, it isn't made by the nanites. They are just carriers. It's possible she has had this affliction since before she came here."
This disease behaved exactly like a retrovirus up until the replication step. It had injected DNA into Ara's red blood cells, but rather than using the hijacked cells to produce more nanite bodies, they had taken control of the naturally occurring process of chakra synthesization. These things were sucking up any spiritual or physical energy absorbed by the cells and preventing them from creating chakra. The uninfected cells produced chakra normally; however, the reason Ara seemed to be hitting an artificial threshold was that whoever had created this virus programmed it to start breaking down chakra after said threshold was reached. At first it looked like it was eating the energy and chakra, but upon closer inspection Katasuke noted that the energy was simply disappearing . It is physically impossible to destroy energy, which meant that the virus was somehow sending it elsewhere, effectively turning her into a living battery that was powering god knows what.
Furthermore, Katasuke was unable to pinpoint the source of the nanites within her body. As in, where they were entering the bloodstream in the first place, because while they were definitely not replicating , additional nanites were still coming from somewhere. Otherwise, her kidneys would have naturally filtered them out once the infected red blood cells died.
The entire mechanism was baffling, to say the least.
Fortunately, it wouldn't pose any real threat to Ara as long as she wasn't fighting a battle of the same scale as the previous one. But if there was another situation like that, then-
"She definitely was not ill before she arrived here," Neji stated matter-of-factly.
"What makes you say that, Neji?" she asked, curious about his apparent confidence in this knowledge.
"I examined her chakra network when we found her in the woods, and it was far greater than this - than the supposed 'artificial limit.' And, I admit that I don't entirely understand virology, but she has died once while living here. On her first day in the village - she bled to death after Kakashi struck her with his chidori-"
"Kakashi did WHAT?"
Neji took a tentative step backwards, glancing back and forth between Sakura's impossibly red face and steaming ears, and her clenched fist that was choking the life out of the hand-rail on the side of the hospital bed. The metal creaked, bending beneath her forceful grip before finally breaking off with a loud snap, sending several loose screws scattering across the tiled floor.
"And I'm just now hearing of this? No one thought to tell her doctor about this serious medical event , about the fact that she fucking died? "
Sakura was abruptly pulled from her confused, homicidal rage by the sound of someone rapping on the door. It seemed that luck was favoring Neji that day, and for a short time being, Kakashi. Turning around with a scowl still plastered to her face, Sakura saw the familiar figures of Naruto and Hinata entering the room. The former had an excited look on his face, blue eyes sparkling as he walked towards Sakura and Neji. Hinata, who was not oblivious to Sakura's foul mood and dangerous energy, stayed in the doorway and glared at Neji under the assumption that he was the cause of the medic's temper.
"Sakura-chan, Kakashi sent for us. The trial is over, they're gonna release Sasuke!"
Despite the flame of fury being rekindled by the mention of her sensei, the nervous anticipation brought forth by the latter half of Naruto's announcement won out. Sakura's face paled, and she dropped the broken hand-rail that had been clenched in her fist.
ooooooo
ooooooo
Sasuke was relieved to finally be released from that god-forsaken cell, but at the same time he was extremely anxious because now he had to face the real world, and the consequences of his actions. They may have been pardoned due to their aid in ending the war - despite two Uchiha's in particular being the instigators of said war - but his peers wouldn't soon forget what had transpired. By the end of the war thirty-two thousand shinobi had lost their lives, nearly half of the entire Allied Forces. They not only had to live with the burden of that sin, but had to navigate this new lease on life as the only remaining members of the Uchiha clan, a clan which didn't have a pristine reputation to begin with. Sasuke was having trouble processing these changes, nevermind living with them, and was not keen to find out what was left of his human side.
If there was anything left, he thought.
Madara and Obito had been put on six months of house arrest, which would be followed by a lifetime of parole. At least they were blind for the moment, which would make babysitting the pair less of a hassle. However, Sasuke had no idea where they were all going to live. The Uchiha district was long gone and he was too broke to afford the rent prices in the village, let alone purchase a home. More problems presented themselves with each passing moment, it seemed; all of which were issues that Kakashi failed to address during their discussion about 'the future of the Uchiha clan', though that wasn't unexpected.
Problems. There were always more of them, nothing was ever truly solved, was it? He asked himself.
The three men were led out of the Hokage tower by Kakashi and Iruka, walking in a single-file line like a gaggle of toddlers, and even holding hands so that the two blind fools didn't get lost. Well, in Sasuke's case, only his sleeve was being held onto, since his left arm had joined the rest of the Uchihas in taking a dirt nap. Missing an arm wasn't so bad, if he was honest. Although, using the bathroom had been a nightmare at first, especially since Obito felt personally obligated to make an announcement every time Sasuke decided to 'commune with nature' - one of the more polite terms Obito had used.
Stepping out into the courtyard was like trying to read Naruto's handwriting - it was sort of disturbing, and made him squint. Once Sasuke's eyes adjusted to the sunlight, he was greeted by the sight of the noisy ninja himself bounding over to him with Sakura, Hinata, and Eddy - Neddy? - trailing behind at the pace of normal, sane individuals. Sasuke had been so absorbed by his worries that he almost forgot to put on his calm, cool exterior; something that was particularly difficult to do on that day. Correcting this negligent error, Sasuke tilted his chin upwards and formed what he hoped was a neutral-but-not-dead-inside expression, while combing through his dark hair with one hand for added normalcy.
"Sasuke! You...look like hell, but it's good to finally see you," Naruto said, grinning and subtly flexing his new right-arm.
"Tch. You look like an asshole. Nice arm," Sasuke replied, gesturing towards the bandaged appendage. He cringed at the flatness and insincerity in his tone, which Sakura seemed to notice when an odd look flashed across her face.
"You think? Lady Tsunade has a transplant waiting for you, too, if you-"
"Excuse me," Madara said, interrupting the two men and turning his blind-folded face - done to hide his gaping eye sockets, not his gaze - towards Kakashi. "Uzumaki, I believe you owe me a set of eyeballs. Not to be rude, but Sasuke still has one arm, whereas I have zero eyes, so I feel that my transplant should be of a higher priority."
Kakashi sighed. "Thank you for your input, Madara, but I'm not the one you should be asking. It wouldn't hurt to be a bit more polite, either."
"Damn it. You see, this is why I need to see!" Madara exclaimed. "Can't even have a proper conversation."
"It isn't like you could before," Obito muttered.
Naruto's shoulders sagged in exasperation when he addressed the haughty Uchiha, grateful that Obito at least seemed to have a firm grasp of his 'place', if his uncharacteristic silence was any indication. "Listen. My offer still stands, but at the moment we really need to focus on getting you all settled in. Then I will address your plight-of-sight. Deal?"
"Hmph." Madara folded his arms over his chest and 'looked' towards the blonde; this time he'd missed by a narrower margin, and managed to aim his frown at the space between Naruto and Hinata. "Fine. I'll award you a brownie point for that rhyme as well."
During their brief exchange, Sasuke had once again zoned out and was staring listlessly at the cobbled stone covering the ground of the plaza, enraptured by the rocks, which were laid in a Same Komon pattern - a design of overlapping arcs resembling shark skin. This first reminded him of Suigetsu, then of Kisame Hoshigaki - Itachi's partner - and finally of his brother, Itachi. A strange emotion settled in the pit of Sasuke's stomach, something he couldn't identify on its own, but felt an awful lot like melancholia.
He was granted a brief respite from the haze when Hinata boldly shoved past Naruto and grabbed his uncle by the collar. It wasn't like Sasuke had paid much attention to or gotten to know the girl before, but he did have a distinct memory of her being unbearably meek - definitely not someone with big enough balls to physically accost Madara Uchiha, even if he was blinded.
"I'm going to say this once and only once since apparently nobody else will. You're a felon. Your red-eyes-black-dragon bullshit is gone. You are nothing but a name, Madara, so you'd do well to remember your place and show some gratitude to the people who have not only forgiven you, but are also offering you a second chance. They spared you out of compassion, not desire - don't forget that," Hinata said, speaking with a quiet but terrifying fury.
The seven seeing-members of the group stared at Hinata in bewilderment, with a few nodding in agreement, including the Hokage. Hinata smiled and let go of Madara's shirt before falling back to her position next to Naruto, patting him on the arm with one hand. Sasuke was mildly concerned for his friend, who had a tendency to incur the wrath of most women. Madara stood with his mouth pressed in a thin line and did not say a single word in response to the admonishment.
"Well, anyways," Kakashi finally spoke up, "I'm looking for a volunteer to shelter these three until I can arrange for more permanent accommodations."
Neji was quick to tell him that the Hyuga could not host outsiders at the time, as their spare room was already occupied. Not that anyone expected them to consider it to begin with.
"I'd love to have you guys crash at my place, but uh, my bedroom is my living room and there's only one couch," Naruto said, laughing nervously.
"It really is a shit hole," Hinata muttered.
"What?! Hinata, I thought you said it was 'homely'," Naruto whispered indiscreetly, frowning.
"Yes, but there are two very different definitions of the word."
Sakura glanced at Kakashi before making eye-contact with Sasuke. "Um, my parents moved out a few days ago, so right now it's just me in their townhouse. There are only three bedrooms, but if two of you don't mind sharing a bed, then I would be happy for you to stay with me," Sakura said, surprising everyone. "Temporarily, of course," she added.
When neither Madara or Obito responded, Sasuke remembered that it was his responsibility to answer the question.
"Thank you, Sakura," he said, bowing his head.
"You can thank me by helping out with the grocery costs," Sakura quipped.
She was only teasing, but Sasuke felt guilty nonetheless. Like a leech fat with blood, taking and taking and taking without offering anything in return. A parasite, a nuisance, a burden that Sakura didn't deserve, for he had already taken too much from her. To take any more would be despicable.
The group said their good-byes, with Naruto promising to come over for breakfast within the hour. Sakura led the three Uchihas through the bustling village that was now near-completely rebuilt, and made light conversation by explaining that her parents had decided to retire in Yugakure and had left their home to her. She had plans to eventually sell the residence, but not for another year or so, until the political climate and her 'professional life' were sorted out. Sasuke had a mind to ask what she meant by the latter statement, but before he could she was stopping them in front of a small red door and jamming a key into its lock.
"Welcome to my humble abode," Sakura said, leading them inside.
Stepping into a living room that immediately succeeded the minuscule entryway, the three men found themselves standing inside a home that, while not lavish, clearly belonged to a very well-to-do family. The polished cherry-wood floors complemented the light, olive green wall paint, and a set of traditional but stylish lounge furniture rested on top of an area rug that was, unsurprisingly, embroidered with large cherry blossoms. A cut-out in the far wall provided a glimpse of the small kitchen outfitted with modern appliances, and an archway on to the right of said kitchen that lead to a well-decorated dining area.
"My parents were wealthy merchants - well, I suppose they still are, since their retirement is only in name, not literal. They co-own a shipping company with the Owari clan. A civilian clan, so you probably haven't heard of them. It operates out of Minato-ku, the only port in the Land of Fire. Though I suspect that will change soon," Sakura explained, sensing the bemusement of her guests.
"I see," Sasuke said. Somehow the flat effect had gotten worse, but thankfully no one commented on it.
In that moment Sasuke became painfully aware of just how little he actually knew about Sakura. Even before he left the village, he'd never bothered to ask about her life or get to know her on the level that teammates ought to know one another on. He wondered if this was all information that Naruto was privy to, a thought that saddened him and made him feel even more guilty for treating his former teammate like some nameless individual in a crowd, rather than an actual human being with unique individual experiences. At least with Naruto he'd had the excuse of the blonde not having a family in the first place. It crossed Sasuke's mind to rectify the situation, although for some reason it felt like an impermanent conviction. Some part of his subconscious told him that he wouldn't have the time nor the chance.
Foolish, he thought. Penance was impossible for someone like him. No amount of punishment could ever be enough.
When he drifted back into reality, Sakura had left him standing in the foyer and was heading for the kitchen with Madara and Obito on her heels like starving puppies. She asked them if they were in the mood for gohan or okayu, and what kinds of vegetables and fish they preferred. Oh, and she could also make Miso Shiru if they wanted, or natto, or both. Okayu, a simple rice porridge, was Sasuke's favorite and something he had not eaten since-
Somebody was inside. Terror gripped his mind, bleeding into every fiber of his being. His heart was racing, beating painfully fast. He was going to die. He was- he was….he had to open the doors. Move. Move. Move-
"Sasuke! Earth to Sasuke," Sakura called out to him, peeking through the wall opening with a pleasant grin gracing her features. "Come here and help us decide what to make."
Sasuke walked over to join them, suppressing the shudder passing through him, each step felt as if he were dragging his limbs through thick, dark mud. They were so heavy, his legs, it was so hard to move. And cold. It was not even ten meters to reach the kitchen, and yet Sasuke feared he might become lost on his way there. Perhaps he was lost before the journey began. He stood at the edge of the room like a lame duck while Sakura flitted about, pulling out a large donabe covered in blue leaf designs and handing it to Obito. She instructed him to add one-hundred grams of rice to the pot and begin rinsing off the grains, all of which Obito apparently knew how to do without being able to see . Madara was not so skilled, and smacked into the fridge after mistaking it for Obito.
It was funny. He should have laughed; they were an interesting pair. Every time that Sakura had visited them in their cell Obito was able to keep her laughing for the duration of her visit. Her eyes would scrunch up with joy, soft cheeks glowing with mirth and the sound - her laugh - was like festival music, bright and cheery and imbued with the desire to live and experience and to live and live and live , illuminating the dark pocket of their world if only for a moment.
"Sakura," Sasuke suddenly spoke.
"Hmm?" she asked, her back turned to him as she reached into a cabinet.
"Where is your…"
Was he too embarrassed to say the word? Had such a simple, natural thing become so harrowing as to be unspeakable? Was anything easy?
'Ah, just up the stairs, the second door on the right."
"Thank you," Sasuke muttered, missing Sakura's concerned side-glance when he turned to leave.
He slogged through the thick layers of reality for what felt like hours, dragging his feet, unable to move along any faster. At first each step was excruciating, but not long after he'd begun it faded into a comforting numbness, a welcome respite.
When he reached the top of the stairs he could see into the first bedroom, the door having been left wide open. With a cursory glance-over he noted that it must have been Sakura's bedroom, based off of the decor. Noticing a framed photo set on the bedside table, Sasuke's curiosity got the better of him, and he stepped inside. Upon closer inspection, it was not just any framed picture, but a photo that had been taken of their genin team - Kakashi had a hand in his and Naruto's hair, who were standing on either side of Sakura and glaring at each other. Sakura herself was grinning sweetly, holding up her fists in some expression of excitement.
They all looked so young and...innocent. This world was so wrong .
A vase sat next to the picture frame, populated by three tulips, so red in color that they hurt him. It was so quiet, Sasuke thought he could hear them breathe.
"Come here," they giggled. "Look out our window."
"No." They are too excitable, he thought.
"The light lies on these white walls, this bed, your hands," they said.
" These hands. I am learning to be peaceful."
His words caused them to laugh again, taunting this time. "If you won't spring forth then stop taking our oxygen. Please, you are stealing it. You coward! Bastard! Why won't you leave? Be gone, thief! "
"I am nobody; I have nothing to do with explosions," Sasuke replied.
He did not want tulips, he wanted to lie with his palms turned towards the sky in someplace where he wouldn't be watched. The tulips turned to the window and then to him, mocking in their vibrancy, and he in turn he turned away. Leaned against the wall and previously hidden by the door, he spotted a sword nesting in its sheath.
Sakura did not fight with a sword. Oh, he remembered, he had given his own sword to her for safe keeping upon their return to the village. The Kusanagi-no-tsurugi, which had nearly been destroyed during the battle with Kaguya. But alas, there it sat before him in all of its tempting devilry. His fingers curled around the leather sheath, the strap lifting up and over his head before settling around his chest, and he shifted the sword to the back of his hip where it was more comfortable. Where it belonged.
Hopefully Naruto still had his hitai-ate. Unfortunately Sasuke did not have anything to give to Kakashi; there was no time left to do so anyways. Sakura could, of course, keep his sword if she wanted.
Acting upon the inkling that he couldn't pry further - and shouldn't have in the first place - Sasuke exited the bedroom and found the next door on that rightmost wall, leading him into the bathroom that was his original destination. He locked the door behind him.
In the confines of the bathroom walls Sasuke felt scattered; he was a cloud, weightless and floating on the wind as it slowly dissipated. He lifted his head and the man in the wall blinked at him. Life was meaningless, he said. Who are you? Who are you ? Who am I? Dead end.
Sasuke's head hurt. It had not stopped hurting since it first began to ache that previous November. Had it really been almost a year, he wondered. His head was ringing, louder and louder with each passing moment, drowning out the rest of the world. The man continued to stare at him, expression blank, eyes dead and reeking of desolation, their gaze utterly empty, so devoid of anything and everything that it was hard to believe the man had ever existed in the first place. Did he exist, Sasuke wondered. Maybe he didn't. He had no place here, and he never would. They all had their own lives to live and would move on, forget.
People always forget. They always leave, just like he did. He left. Now, he'd returned. He does not belong, does not fit into the bigger picture. Or any picture. Sasuke knew that this made him sad but he felt no sadness, no sorrow.
Often when he was younger, there were times that Sasuke wished to feel nothing at all. But oh, how he knew now, that feeling nothing was so much worse than any other sensation. For what is left of a person, when they no longer feel, when they stop loving the things they love? He wasn't happy, or sad, or angry, or neutral, or indifferent, he was nothing. His mind was spinning, but he couldn't feel anything.
The sound of the glass shattering startled him, and he was surprised when he found that his own bloodied fist was behind the destruction. He was just a spectator inside of his own body. An empty shell of a human being devoid of all qualities that constituted 'being'. Bits of glass stuck out of the skin in some areas, and in others the white bones of his knuckles were visible instead. Self sacrifice...THAT is a true shinobi, he remembered Itachi saying.
He couldn't fathom Itachi's suffering, or how he had lived with it for so long.
"We do not know what kind of people we truly are until the moment before our deaths," the man spoke between the cracks, repeating Itachi's words to him.
Who was Itachi, truly? Sasuke had forgotten to ask his brother. Should he risk eternity in hell for another chance to ask? Who was Sasuke?
Sasuke Uchiha. He was alone. He was a traitor and a murderer. He was Nineteen years old. He shouldn't be this kind of tired at his age, and yet a persistent weariness had turned his bones to lead. I don't want to die like this, he thought, but I can't picture my life like this , here where I should not be; would they be lost without me?
No. They were without him for years and turned out fine; much better than himself, in fact.
Making up his mind, Sasuke looked at the wall and what was left of the man trapped inside. This simple act of experiencing knocked the wind out of his chest and he doubled over, an endless scream erupting without any sound, the kind of agony that did not need vocalization, only to mime it. He recovered and stood straight once again. The man was crying, silent tears rolled from his crimson eyes down his pale cheeks and gathered at the corners of his lips.
They tasted like salt. Like the ocean he had seen when visiting his mother's family as a child. He wondered if they knew he was still alive, if they knew anything, or if they cared. Will they miss him, will they weep for him, will they care enough to know anything is missing at all? Didn't orphans live with their grandmothers? He did not even know her name, nor could he picture her face. Not that it mattered anymore.
"I'm sorry," they both spoke in unison, a soft murmur of true sincerity, and the last.
Reaching for their sword, they gripped the handle and released it from its cage upon the hip. The metal glinted in the light, brilliant and shining with a kind of value that both men felt they thoroughly lacked. Somewhere on the outside, in the reality where everyone else lived, there was a familiar voice and the thud of contented footsteps. It sounded far away, underwater even; they did not pay the intrusion any mind.
Meeting eyes in the shattered remains of the mirror, they took a breath. The man's eyes reflected the same resolve Sasuke felt, and a twinge of fear that somehow wedged its way past the abyssal lack of anything.
He raised his sword.
Down. Twist. Right. Release.
There was clarity within the pain that followed, a welcome feeling after such persistent numbness, and when the air was forced out of his lungs with a quiet gasp Sasuke finally recognized the man in the mirror as himself. He saw who he was. The truth. When his back stopped supporting his body and he remembered what he had done, there was no time to reflect upon it or to weep. And even though he was not yet dead, everything that made him Sasuke Uchiha was already gone before gravity had the chance to pull him towards the ground.
ooooooo
END NOTES: I simultaneously have so much and so little to say about this chapter. This is how it happens, I guess. I've had this in my plot outline since around the 5th chapter, by the way. So it is in NO way spontaneous, although I've definitely a mind to foreshadow it in the rewrite.
I sincerely hope that this isn't out of left field for you, regarding Sasuke's character. Of course people perceive things differently, but in my opinion - which is shaped by my own experiences and education - Sasuke displayed signs of suicidal ideation/behavior all throughout the series(more clearly in Shippuden). That is not to even touch on the trauma he endured, which I could write a chapter's worth of notes about. In a real-life scenario, there is a very likely chance that he would have tried something like this after the war(too dark for one of Kishimoto's main characters to actually do, though). Why? Well, I certainly hope Sasuke's internal dialogue during this chapter explained some part of the why.
In his own canon words, his sole reason for living was to kill Itachi. Almost everyone he knew - his relatives/family - was gone, and his mind was broken at the ripe old age of seven. Sasuke, from that perspective, had literally nothing else to live for. How could anything or anyone else matter after going through something so terrible? Yeah. So he killed his brother who ended up not even being who Sasuke thought he was, who's truth (in Sasuke's mind) invalidated the justifications for his actions and thus his reason to live at all. After already losing almost his entire family, Sasuke was misled so that he personally destroyed his bonds to the only family he had left. Not just Itachi but Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi as well. Imagine if you sold off everything you owned to pay for medical treatment for a loved one, only for them to die anyways. Now you are broke, homeless, jobless, and alone. Imagine how hopeless that would feel, because that's close to the level of hopelessness Sasuke is feeling. Then, understand that there are actual suicides caused not only by that exact scenario, but far less. Job loss alone does it for a lot of people.
Anyways, we'll hear more from Sasuke on that later. The next chapter is just as fucking sad as this one. Sadder, in my opinion. I may or may not have teared up several times while I wrote and edited it. Keep the happy ending in mind - the bigger picture - and try to appreciate the bumps along the way. (or collapsed bridges, in this case, lol). Personally I'm enjoying this new level of depth to the characters, as hard as it is. I promise this angst isn't without reason. If you've made it this far already, I hope you'll continue to trust my word on this.