AN: Another long one, hope you don't mind, still a rollercoaster!

Chapter Eighteen

Ana and Christian were watching TV when Carrick arrived. It was all over the local news that Elena Lincoln, a prominent businesswoman and a member of high society had been arrested for a string of historic child sex offences. It was also well known that Eric Lincoln, her husband, and also another prominent businessman in Seattle, was missing and wanted. Ana was coping well though. She was sticking well to her program from Mary and with Christian's support, if anything, there seemed to be a weight off her shoulders now.

Christian had been worried all evening and into the morning, but he'd been pleasantly surprised with how Ana was handling it all. Not only was she doing everything she needed to be doing, but she hadn't had any nightmares for the first time since she'd been home from the hospital. He knew that making the complaint and Elena's arrest was not a magic cure for the trauma, but he could see that it had a positive effect on Ana overall.

"Mr Grey…" Taylor said from the entrance to the great room only for Carrick to walk in wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase.

"Dad is everything ok?" Christian asked as he and Ana both jumped to their feet, surprised at his arrival at their home as there had been no warning that he was planning on coming.

"Yes… I have some news, sit down…" He looked worried and Ana, upon sitting, grabbed Christian's hand in her own while Carrick took a seat in the armchair.

"What is it Dad?" Christian asked nervously.

"I've just had a heads up from a colleague who works in the DA's office, Elena will be arraigned this afternoon… they think she'll be bailed."

"How?" Christian asked feeling sick at this news. Ana wasn't a hundred percent sure what was going on yet, so she wasn't as frightened.

"They've already submitted paperwork to have the search thrown out as evidence." He explained and Christian ran his fingers through his hair and blew out a breath.

"What does that mean?" Ana asked glancing from Christian back to Carrick.

"They found hundreds of pictures Ana, of you and others, they prove… everything…" He gulped. "If they get thrown out as evidence, then they don't really have a case and we're back to your word against hers."

"We have the book." Ana stated. "That proves Eric was Mister…"

"It will help but alone it isn't enough." Carrick replied leaning over to put his hand on Ana's knee in comfort.

"Will they succeed?" Christian asked.

"I don't know, that won't be debated at arraignment but it may be enough for the judge to grant bail when it's bought up. They're claiming that there wasn't enough evidence for the search in the first place, anything found in that search becomes fruit of the poisonous tree."

"I'd like to see her arraigned." Ana piped up and her statement took both men by surprise.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea Ana." Carrick said gently. "Not only will you have to see her, but it will be packed with press…"

"They're not allowed to say who I am though…" She turned to Christian questioningly, she was pretty sure even if they knew it was her they weren't allowed to publish her name.

"No, they're not Ana but in such a high profile case it will be impossible to keep your identity a complete secret, there won't just be mainstream media there, there will be bloggers and all sorts who will publish your name not realising they're breaking the law…" Carrick hoped she would understand that keeping her name completely out of the media would be impossible if she showed her face outside going to give testimony in a trial.

"So anonymity is a farce." Ana spat.

"Pretty much, I'm sorry, the internet has made things so much harder to control." Carrick explained sadly, he knew this would be tough for Ana but he wouldn't lie to her or mislead her on this, she needed to know the truth.

"Then I lose my anonymity." Ana shrugged. "I need to see this."

"Ana if you wave your anonymity. The press will hound you and not all of them will be on your side…"

"I don't care." Ana shrugged. "I can't hide forever and I need to be there."

Christian and Carrick's eyes met, Ana clearly didn't understand what could happen if she waived her right to anonymity. The mainstream media would eat her up and spit her out, that was the way it worked. Elena would be given a trial by media and not all would fall on Ana's side even after all the evidence was presented.

"Listen, you don't have to waive your right to anonymity, but be prepared for it to be published in lesser-known blogs and stuff." Christian said. "If and when that happens, we'll send cease and desist letters."

"Seize and what?" Ana asked turning to Christian.

"Letters threatening to prosecute." Christian explained. "I'll have my lawyers draw one up ready and ask the HR team at Grey House to be searching for it."

"That will go some of the way to help." Carrick agreed though he knew as well as Christian did there was still a risk, especially with social media.

"Ok… what time is she being arraigned?" Ana asked feeling the need now to get showered and dressed so she would be ready to go.

"Two o'clock." Carrick replied. "Your mother plans on being there too." He added to Christian.

"Why?" Christian asked, he didn't understand why Grace would want to be there.

"I don't know." Carrick shrugged, he just knew she was and that was all he could repeat.

Ana excused herself to go and shower and change, it was also to give herself a moment to process everything Carrick had said. If Elena was bailed, would she come after them? Would she be at risk? She hadn't really thought about what happened after Elena's arrest, other than the trial of course. Truth was, she didn't know enough about how it worked to wonder about it.

She was glad Carrick had come straight to tell them though, that allowed her to at least be prepared that Elena would get bail and then they would have to decide what to do.

She jumped into a hot shower and took the time to primp herself, her self-care had been lackluster lately and she suddenly felt the need to take care of herself. Mary had told her to at the hospital, that sometimes feeling good physically and mentally could come from taking care of one's self by doing beauty routines, but Ana hadn't really been in the mood before now. Now she suddenly felt like she wanted to be at her best.

After her shower, she took the time to moisturise herself from head to toe, pluck her eyebrows, file her nails and style her hair, and as Mary had said, she actually did feel better about herself. She was just browsing all the clothes when Christian joined her in the closet.

"Hey I thought we could have some lunch before we need to go." Christian said gently as she continued to browse through the clothing racks.

"I don't know what to wear." She said thoughtfully which told Christian she hadn't heard a word he'd said.

"I'd go with this." He pulled down a navy blue, three-quarter sleeve, knee-high dress that Ana knew would hug her body and show every curve.

"Ok." She said immediately pulling it off the hanger, it made life easier that she didn't have to choose her clothing for herself, she didn't even know what was appropriate to wear to court really.

"Lunch?" He asked again.

"Sure…I won't be able to take my pills until we get back." Ana noted, she would become drowsy.

"You would have been pushing them back to about three today anyway." Christian said, like everyone, he'd been keeping an eye and supporting Ana in moving her drugs to later in the afternoon so they wouldn't affect her when she returned to work.

"That's true… I'm sure another hour won't make much of a difference." Ana mused and Christian smiled. "Though I think I'll need an anti-anxiety to get through this." She added thoughtfully.

"I think that would be a good idea." Christian said. "You get dressed; I'll see what Mrs Jones can do for lunch." He went over and kissed her head before giving her space to strip out of her towel and dress into the dress he'd chosen for her.

Lunch was a relatively quiet one, with both Ana and Christian lost in their own thoughts, but soon enough Taylor was waiting for them at the entryway and it was time to leave.

"You sure you want to do this?" Christian asked as the elevator descended.

"Yes." Ana replied immediately. She needed to do this. Elena had no power over her anymore, that was something she knew and somehow, she knew that seeing Elena in the courtroom would help her believe that even more. So, what if Elena was bailed, she had publicly accused her and Elena's name was now dirt.

Carrick had not been lying when he said there would be a lot of press. Considering it was just an arraignment they were all over the sidewalk when Taylor pulled up outside. Thankfully Luke was with them too, as Taylor would not have coped on his own.

Christian got out with Luke shielding him a little from the press who had taken an interest in their arrival. He put his hand out for Ana and she climbed out, trying not to look as anxious as she was feeling.

"Ok?" Christian asked as the press moved out of their way.

"Yes." She lied, she wasn't ok, this was scary as hell but she couldn't back out now.

They held hands until they were in the courtroom and they took a seat beside Grace and Detective Taylor on the front bench, the biggest giveaway to the press in the gallery that they were involved in this case was that they were sat there, right behind the prosecution.

Grace, who was sitting beside Christian, leaned over and squeezed Ana's knee in reassurance, Ana gave her a timid, thin-lipped smile in response.

They watched a couple of other individuals go through arraignment before Elena was led in. Ana bit her lip and turned to face the judge as the case was announced, even knowing she was in the same room as Elena was making her stomach churn and the hair on the back of her neck stand on end.

Christian and Grace were amazed at how rough Elena looked. One night in the cells was very telling, she looked like she hadn't slept in a month, her hair was a mess and she was in a bright orange jumpsuit. It wasn't her colour that was for sure.

"How do you plead?" The judge asked after the charges were read out. There were multiple counts of Rape of a Child in the first and Ana wasn't sure if they were all against her because they'd made clear they had found photos of other victims too.

"Not guilt your honour." Her lawyer replied on her behalf.

"People on bail?" He turned to the lady who was taking the case on behalf of the state.

"The people request remand your honour, the defendant has been terrorising children and young people for a period of nearly twenty years, she has ample means to flee, her husband who is also implicit in these crimes is AWOL and she has no community ties." The lawyer replied firmly and with confidence and grace that Ana could only wish she could possess.

"Your honour the only evidence, in this case, is awaiting a hearing on the legality of the search warrant that lead to the discovery. My client and her husband are separated and as a businesswoman, she has plenty of community ties." The defence attorney replied. Ana immediately decided he was also a bad man and she didn't like him while Christian grit his teeth to stop himself yelling out. Elena wouldn't be a businesswoman long, things had already started moving when she was arrested but as soon as this arraignment was over, a simple text message would ruin Elena's so-called businesses for life and he was intending on doing just that.

"Under the circumstances, I believe that bail should be set at one million dollars, Mrs Lincoln you will surrender your passport and wear an ankle monitor. You will remain at your home address between nineteen hundred hours and seven hundred hours. You will not have any unsupervised contact with any minor, nor the victim or her family. Should you breach these conditions, your bail will be revoked." The gavel fell and Ana fought her tears, she knew as did everyone else in the room, that a million dollars was not a problem for Elena, her house was worth more than that to be put up as collateral but the fact that Elena was not to have any contact with her also gave her a small amount of relief.

"Let's get out of here." Carrick stated as the next case was being called. Detective Taylor walked out with the family until they could find a quieter part of the court to talk, they were met by the prosecutor too who gave Ana a grim smile.

"I'm Carrie Nichols." She introduced herself, shaking Ana's hand first followed by everyone else. "I'm sorry that she's been bailed."

"It's not your fault." Ana replied awkwardly as she looked the woman up and down. She had to be in her early forties, she had dark hair, wore a harlot red lipstick and was wearing a fitted navy-blue skirt suit with heels. Ana liked her, she seemed like a woman who wouldn't take any messing.

"It's going to take a while for this case to get to court. The defence will throw motion after motion after us and I am trying to find other victims to come forward so that we can link the trials together." She glanced at Christian who blanched, he had no intention of coming forward as one of Elena's victims, he couldn't, he didn't have Ana's strength. However, it was obvious that the prosecutor had seen the pictures and he knew there would be some of him too, it turned his stomach, he didn't know she'd taken his picture.

"How long?" Ana asked.

"I'm hoping six months but it could be upward of a year." She admitted bashfully and Ana sighed, a whole year waiting for a trial she wanted to get over and done with seemed like a lifetime away. "I know it isn't ideal, but there is a huge backlog of cases that we're trying to get through."

"What about the media interest, doesn't that alone mean this one needs bumping up to the top of the list?" Detective Taylor asked and Ana glanced at her, the young detective looked as devastated as she was feeling.

"No, it will die down and then peak again." Carrie shrugged. "Plus, we're trying to identify the other abusers and we'd like to try Elena and Eric together with the other perps if we can find them."

"I just want it over with." Ana said and Christian wrapped an arm around her shoulders while Grace slipped her hand into Ana's. They were all finding this difficult and therefore appreciated how much more difficult it had to be for Ana.

"I know and we'll strive to get it through the system as quickly as we possibly can." Carrie replied. "This case is at the top of my priority list now until it's over, I promise you that."

"Ok." Ana sighed. "Can we go now? I just…"

"Of course." Christian gave her a light squeeze.

Everyone shook hands again before the Grey's and Ana left together. Grace and Carrick rejected an offer for coffee back at Escala, both feeling particularly overwhelmed and needing space to think and breathe. Ana was grateful, she just wanted to curl up with a good book and put this all behind her.

"Hey…" Christian said, pushing a piece of hair out of Ana's face with the back of his hand. Her big blue doe eyes looked up at him, tears brimmed but she stopped them from falling. "Let's get out of here a while."

"What do you mean?" Ana asked shakily.

"I think it's time I took you to Aspen." Christian smiled softly. "It's not ski season yet so it will be quiet, I have a beautiful house nestled in the hills. We'll be safe there and it will give us both a break from everything going on here."

"I think that's a good idea." Ana nodded, she didn't want to feel like she was escaping her problems but she felt like a break wasn't a bad thing right now. "Can you take me to see Mary first?"

"Of course." Christian replied.

Taylor, Sawyer, Christian and Ana drove in silence across town to Mary Griffith's office. Ana text to see if she had a slot and was thankful that she replied she did. She felt like seeing Mary right now would allow her to maybe clear her mind a little before she went to Aspen, which in turn she hoped would give her time to enjoy being there and in the moment with Christian rather than focusing on her past and the case which was in her future.

"I'll go and get us packed?" Christian asked as Sawyer opened the door for Ana.

"Ok." Ana leaned towards him, her hand cupping his cheek before he kissed her softly. "I love you." She said and he smiled.

"I love you too." He replied before she turned and left the vehicle.

Sawyer waited outside, just so he was there when she was finished. Ana went into the office with a lump in her throat, as she was arriving somewhere she knew she would be completely safe, fighting her emotions was becoming increasingly harder.

"Ana." Mary smiled as she opened her door and Ana forced a thin-lipped smile. "Come in." Ana made her way to the couch, but sat properly, her feet flat on the floor, her hands on her lap. It was not the way Ana typically sat when she was with Mary.

"Madam's been bailed." Ana said before Mary had even sat down properly.

"Elena has been bailed. Let's move the language, she is not your Madam anymore." Mary said, this was something she'd thought hard about and felt that Ana needed to distance herself from the language that said that she was still owned by Mister and Madam. They started it at the hospital, but Mary had already seen a pattern that when Ana was feeling particularly vulnerable, she would refer to them as Mister and Madam again.

"Elena's been bailed." Ana replied not caring right now about what she called the woman, the bottom line was she'd tortured her as a child and now she was going to walk free until the trial.

"How does that make you feel?" Mary asked.

"Scared." Ana replied. "I'm scared she'll come after me and I'm scared she'll go after my family."

"They'll be keeping an eye on her Ana, she won't be able to get to you." Mary said, her head tilting gently to the side as she examined Ana's face, the young woman looked absolutely terrified.

"We're going away, Christian and I, for a few days just to get our heads together." Ana said and Mary smiled, it sounded like a good idea to her.

"I think you need to relax." She said before getting to her feet and heading over to the bookcase behind her. "This…" She pulled a book out and bought it over to Ana. Ana took it into her hands, it wasn't a big book and Ana was intrigued. "…should help. Mindfulness is a great tool when battling anxiety and depression. It won't deal with the trauma but it will help you shift your mindset if you give it a good go." Mary explained and Ana nodded, she was still in the stage where she would try anything. "How have you been otherwise since you got home?" Mary asked as they hadn't yet spoken properly since Ana had left the hospital. Mary had gone to support her when the raid occurred but that wasn't a session, that was just supporting her through a difficult patch.

"Not too bad actually." Ana shrugged. "I mean other than Elena's arrest."

"Eating?" Mary asked and Ana nodded. "Sleeping?"

"The drugs let that happen." Ana shrugged again. "I mean, is this my life now Mary? Strict diet routine, drugs for … everything."

"No." Mary said immediately and leaning forward so she could cup Ana's hand in her own. "Not at all, it's temporary to get you back on your feet and focused. As I said in the hospital Ana, these new memories are very raw and if we try too hard to address them now… it could have negative long term effects, you've got to come to terms with them on your own steam but with support. It's like grieving, you have got to go through the process first."

"I guess… I just feel this is it you know, after all these years, this is how I have to deal with it for the rest of my life and I can't… I just want to be happy…" Her voice broke and she looked at the floor, her little heart was racing in her chest.

"Ana, breathe." Mary said worrying about a panic attack coming on. "This isn't forever, I promise." Mary confidently said and Ana glanced at her. "I promise." She reiterated. "Just for now, you need to st…"

"Stick to the program." Ana interrupted rolling her eyes. "I know." She blew out a breath and silence fell between the pair for a moment as Ana thought about what to say next. Mary could see that she was thinking about something, so gave her a moment to process whatever she wanted to say. "Christian saw the cuts." Ana said and Mary gave a small nod, encouraging Ana to say more. "I felt… incredibly guilty."

"Why?"

"I don't know." Ana shrugged. "I guess… all the scars that I have from all that abuse…he didn't need to know that I added to them. He looked… devastated…" Ana exhaled deeply. "I mean… I don't know. I guess…" Ana shrugged again but Mary continued to be patient, knowing Ana was processing while speaking and she needed time to do that. "He loves me Mary, despite everything he knows about me and I keep hurting him and letting him down and… and I guess I wish I could love myself a little bit more… show him that I'm worthy of his love."

"I think loving yourself is an excellent goal Ana." Mary smiled gently. "It's a long-term goal but an excellent one. Mindfulness will help with that."

"The urge to cut is there again." Ana admitted. "And to… not eat…" The shame brewed inside her, she hated admitting these things out loud but she knew she needed to and where she couldn't tell Christian she knew she could tell Mary.

"That's after today?"

"Seeing her in court, hearing the judge bail her." Ana replied. "It's all out of my control, all of it, the prosecutor said it might not go to court for a while…and…" Ana clenched her fists tight on her lap. "I just… it's not fair, I did what I needed to do, I went to the police and told them everything!" She yelled, her frustration winning out.

"You did and you did amazing." Mary reassured. She wasn't worried about Ana's outburst, she was behaving like a normal trauma patient in the sense of her moods fluctuating between helplessness, fear, and anger.

"Then why do I feel like I'm failing?" Ana asked her eyes meeting Mary's again, her brows raised questioningly. "I'm failing…"

"No." Mary replied firmly. "No, you're not failing Ana. Have you cut?"

"No… I came straight here from the courthouse." Ana replied. "I haven't had time to eat but I had lunch before going."

"And are you going to eat when you leave here?" Mary asked and Ana shrugged. "Ana you do realise if I have to admit you back into the hospital, I will do it against your will and it will take months of treatment to get you better."

"So that's your answer? Bad cop?" Ana bit.

"I won't watch you kill yourself again." Mary replied and Ana bit her lip and looked at the ground. "We made a deal, you left after sixteen days but you had to stick to the program. Don't let me down." Mary added the last bit knowing how much of a people pleaser Ana was, while she may not have done it all for herself, having so little self-worth, she would do it for the people around her. Mary hoped to be able to shift Ana's mindset eventually, having her wanting to take care of herself for herself, but that would take time and for now, she would take advantage of what she knew of Ana to get her to take care of herself.

"I just… don't know how to cope with this feeling of being out of control…" Ana said biting back a sob. "I can't… it makes me want to run and I can't run again… I can't lose Christian…"

"Then do it for him." Mary replied. "He needs you fighting fit Ana."

"I know." Ana replied. "I guess I just… need a healthier outlet." She shrugged and Mary nodded in agreement. "We have a gym at home… maybe I'll start working out."

"Now that's the spirit." Mary smiled, this was progress and she was glad of it because she wouldn't have been able to let Ana go away with Christian, thinking she was going to harm herself either by stopping eating or cutting again.

"Will this ever go away Mary? This… need to control everything?"

"Maybe." Mary admitted. "It may not, but having a healthy outlet and coping mechanisms will go a long way, it won't necessarily be a cure and relapse can happen but we'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it, right now the priority is to prevent an early relapse, keeping you to the program." Ana nodded in agreement, she was thinking of months and years down the line rather than focusing on the here and now.

"You know, barely six months ago… I was nothing more than a submissive, working in a nightclub being… whipped and chained for other people's pleasure…" Ana looked at the ground but Mary once again patiently waited for the words to form in Ana's mind before she spoke them. "…I wasn't happy…" She added, her eyes flicking from one side to the other as though reading while her mind worked hard on framing her thoughts into words. "…but I wasn't… like this."

"Do you blame Christian for this?" Mary asked and Ana shrugged in reply. "Why?"

"I guess… like I said I wasn't happy… is this the price of some happiness? Is this the price of love? I chose to face my daemons so that one day I could be a good wife, so that he and I could be happy together and have a family… I never wanted that before I met him Mary. I got help, came to you because I wanted to be better for him…"

"You say you weren't happy. How were you dealing with your past?"

"I didn't… I just buried it." Ana replied. "That was easier than this."

"But how much did it come back to haunt you?" Mary asked, she knew that Ana had complex PTSD, so it wasn't a simple case of just burying her past, she couldn't, it was impossible.

"At the club." Ana shrugged. "I was… just there for other people to use and I got paid for it. After a bad night… I'd push the buttons of my favourite Dom's to get them to…" Ana closed her eyes feeling her cheeks heat up as she admitted this out loud for the first time ever. "I'd wind them up so they'd punish me."

Now Mary didn't know much about the BDSM lifestyle, but she knew enough. At their very first session, Ana had been very honest about her time at the club, her job, what it entailed. Mary knew there was a difference between what Ana had done at the club and a proper BDSM relationship too.

"So, you liked the pain?" Mary asked trying not to appear overly intrigued.

"The pain… the taking of control by someone else…" Ana couldn't look at Mary while admitting this, not only because of the shame but as a realisation dawned on her. The club had been her outlet, allowing the people at the club to take complete control, she'd relished in it, the pain, the submission… she had Christian Grey, a Dominant who loved to be in control in the bedroom, at her fingertips and it was only now she was realising maybe why she had been so drawn to him, why she felt like she could be with him and love him. She needed his dominance. "I should be going." Ana said feeling like she had been there long enough already.

"I don't think we're finished." Mary said glancing at her watch, she still had time before her next client.

"I'm hungry." Ana shrugged, figuring it was a good enough excuse.

"You're hungry? And I'm the cat's mother." Mary replied not buying it at all. "Tell me what just went through your mind."

"I can't." Ana shrugged.

"It's confidential Ana, it's between you, me and the four walls. I thought we'd established by now you could trust me."

"I do trust you. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here." Ana tried not to sound too frustrated. "But I'm going to Aspen, with Christian and I have some things I need to think about and maybe when I get back, we can talk about it then." Compromise, that had to work.

"Ok." Mary gave in. "We'll talk about it next time. Just take time for you not just your relationship while you're in Aspen ok?"

"I will." Ana rose to her feet in tandem with Mary. "And you… thank you."

"You're welcome." Mary gave her client a hug because she looked like she needed one. "Ana you're going to get through this."

"I know."