TW- self doubt, insecurities

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Guilt, it was an emotion Matt was well acquainted with but it never got any easier to deal with. Matt and Kelly had returned to the hotel earlier that evening for probably what would be the last doctor had informed them that if everything went well Sonny would be discharged in the morning, while Matt knew he should feel relieved he actually felt a knot form in his stomach at the news. He wasn't ready to take Sonny away from the safety of the hospital. He knew he wasn't good enough, it was only a matter of time before he screwed up again. Because that's what he always did, he left the key on the table for his mother to take, he let Hallie take Sonny and then he let Andy go through the window. It was always his fault.

Matt was currently hiding away in the shower, he had hoped the sensation of hot water cascading over him would wash away his thoughts if only for a few minutes, but so far his entire body was still shaking with fear. It didn't help that the water came out in a slow trickle and the temperature alternated between a swim in the Antarctic and a freshly made cup of coffee, the pathetic hotel shower was doing nothing to calm him down. Initially he'd been desperate to get home until it dawned on him how quickly things could go wrong again.

As he reached for the small shampoo bottle Matt's movement's were clumsy and sluggish, it was becoming harder to move as the fog clouding his mind thickened. One horrible thought was whizzing around his head making it impossible to focus on anything else, they had

almost lost Sonny again and next time they probably wouldn't be so lucky.

"Matt is everything alright in there?" called a voice piercing through Matt's thoughts. But the blonde didn't move his mind was paralysed by the anxiety racing around his body. If his past had taught him anything it was that no matter how much he loved something he'd eventually destroy it. He didn't want to lose Sonny or Kelly, but maybe they would be better off without him. Matt didn't have a single doubt in his mind that Kelly would take good care of Sonny, the squad lieutenant loved the boy like he was his own, and in a way he was.

Matt vaguely registered the sound of the shower curtain being pulled back but it wasn't until he felt the weak flow of water stop that he finally noticed Kelly observing him carefully.

"Matt what's going on?"

"Nothing" he replied with a small shrug as he reached out for a nearby towel. It was warm and fluffy, nothing like the old scratchy towels they had back home, but bizarrely Matt found himself missing the familiarity of the rough material on his skin.

"Matt you've been in here for nearly an hour", the concern in Kelly's voice made Matt cringe. He'd never wanted the other man to worry, often he found himself wishing Kelly didn't care about him, sometimes he wondered if Kelly would be happier if he had moved on during the time Sonny was missing. He'd probably be married by now and with a family of his own, one that wasn't constantly hit by tragedies.

"Just thinking" mumbled Matt as he headed towards the bedroom leaving behind a baffled Kelly. He wasn't ignoring Kelly, at least not intentionally. The buzzing thoughts in his mind made it impossible to concentrate on his own actions let alone whatever Kelly was saying. In fact Matt had nearly collided with a small wooden drawer after exiting the bathroom. Matt felt like his mind was shutting down, he was no used to anyone anymore. He knew the dark haired man was trying desperately to help him and that only strengthened his faith in the lieutenant, Kelly was an amazing dad he could easily raise Sonny on his own.

Kelly would know exactly how to handle Sonny's first day at school, the dark haired man would help Sonny with learning to read. Matt could see Kelly sitting at the table with Sonny every night going through his homework and asking him how his day was. And on the days Kelly would have a shift Matt imagined Sonny would eat dinner at the firehouse, the teen would listen to Capps jokes and Hermann's stories before heading home. Then in the summer Kelly would take Sonny fishing and even begin to teach him how to repair the boats themselves. Maybe they would even adopt a dog of their own and go for long evening walks. Matt didn't have a doubt in his mind that they would be just fine with out him.

When Kelly entered the bedroom Matt was already wearing jeans and hastily pulling a fresh t-shirt over his head, baffling Kelly who was already clad in pyjama bottoms and an old t-shirt . Matt kept his head down as he reached for his jacket, he knew what he had to do. As he began to speak his breathing was steady and his voice was devoid of all emotion, the only thing keeping him from breaking was repeatedly reminding himself this was for the best.

"I can't stay" announced Matt as began searching the room for any of his belongings laying around.

"What the hell do you mean you can't stay?", Matt grimaced at the other man's tone, he knew he was in for a rough conversation. He should've expected that Kelly wouldn't readily accept Matt's plan.

"I need you to look after Sonny" ,

"Of course I'll look after Sonny with you by my side, we're a team Matt". Matt shook his head before quickly slipping his shoes on and slinging his bag over his shoulder. He headed towards the door before stopping, keeping his head faced forward as he refused to look at Kelly.

"I have some savings set aside, I can take half and transfer the rest to you. I'll get the house put in your name. And your already Sonny's godfather, custody will go straight to you in my absence, and -" before he could finish his bag was being shoved to the floor and he felt Kelly's hands rough hands grabbing his arms and forcing him up against the door.

"Shut up!" Roared Kelly a steely look in his eyes that Matt only rarely saw, it was the same look he wore after an argument with Benny or when other firefighters made crude remarks about their relationship. But lurking behind the anger Matt could see a painful mix of fear and sadness marking Kelly's features.

"What on earth are you talking about?" Spit our Kelly between deep breaths. Matt could feel Kelly shaking even when he loosened his grip on his arms. A lump formed in Matt's throat at the other man's heartbroken expression, it certainly wasn't making things easier. In an attempt to keep his calm composure Matt averted his eyes from Kelly's and took a deep breath,

"I can't look after Sonny", it killed Matt to admit his own son was better off without him but he knew Sonny would be better off. Sometimes he wondered how his life would have turned out if his dad had left, he could have grown up happily with him mother and sister.

"You're his father Matt, he needs you" as Kelly spoke he rebased his grip on matts arms before gently placing his hands on Matt's face forcing their eyes to meet again. Annoyance surged through Casey, why couldn't Kelly see that this was for the best? The other man had said himself that Matt was to blame for Andy's death. He shrugged out of Kelly's grip before reaching down for his duffel bag resting on the floor by Kelly's feet. Once the bag was repositioned on his shoulder he moved to open the door but once again was stopped by Kelly who grabbed his wrist.

"He's better off" Matt yelled each word louder than the last.

"Matt you can't leave him", Kelly's tone was quite he almost sounded scared. Matt found himself freezing in place, he slowly turned towards Kelly locking eyes with the firefighter again, he felt a twinge of guilt at the stray tear rolling down Kelly's cheek.

"Its what best for Sonny", at those words the dejected expression on Kelly's face morphed into one of anger.

"What's best?" Kelly asked incredulously,

"So what you're going to walk out? Just like Benny walked out me". Matt flinched at those words, never in a million years did we want to be compared to Benny severide.

"It's not the same", he wasn't like Benny he kept reminding himself in an attempt to ease his guilt. Matt knew how much pain the man had caused Kelly over the years; he hated the thought that he could be doing the same to Sonny, but Matt guessed being angry was better then being dead.

"You bloody well know it is" screamed Kelly his face turning a dark crimson.

"I'm trying to protect him" Matt whispered feeling too tired to fight or to even yell.

"The worst thing Benny ever did was leaving. If you walk out of Sonny's life I will never forgive you, and neither will he. You promised Sonny you'd never abandon him". At some point Kelly had moved right up close to him, he could feel Kelly's warm breath grazing his ear, there was a time when an argument like this would have fizzled out and ended in a kiss; Matt highly doubted thus would be one of those times. As Kelly continued to yell Matt felt something snap inside him,

"Everyone I love dies",his voice definitely didn't sound harsh or angry, in fact his he sounded devastated, instantly Kelly's anger dissipated and Matt was being pulled into the man's warm embrace.

"Oh Matty" whispered Kelly softly in his ear, the nickname was enough to bring Matt's feelings bubbling to the surface. The blonde collapsed against Kelly as tears of frustration leaked down his face, all he wanted to do was what was best for Sonny but on days like this he didn't have a clue what that was.

Matt didn't know how long they stood there, but at some point they pulled apart and silently agreed to never talk about the incident again. If Sonny knew that Matt had considered leaving it would crush the young teen. Both Kelly and Matt knew that the moment had been fuelled by the stress of the past week but they doubted Sonny would see it that way, the young teen would find a way to blame himself. He wouldn't understand that it was Matt's own insecurities playing tricks on him, Sonny would likely believe he'd done something wrong.

After that day the thought of leaving would never cross Matt's mind again. For reasons Matt would never understand Kelly and Sonny loved him and they needed him in their lives.

Thank you for reading, any criticism or advice greatly appreciated.

Have a good day