Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to West Wing, Hamilton, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, or Frank Sinatra's The Way You Look Tonight.

This takes place in the context of the Night Five episode.

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Leo sat at his desk as he read the UN speech and then he looked up. "Toby?"

Toby paced. "Yeah?"

Leo scratched his necked. "The pacing."

"Yeah." 'Okay.' Toby stood with his hands behind his back and sighed as his eyes darted around the room. "Hmm-mph."

Leo looked up again. "...Okay, now the standin' still is bothering me a little bit."

"Hmpff." Toby sighed. 'Okay.' He sat down and stroked his forehead. "This is the fifth time you're reading it. Are there words in there ya don't understand?" Leo took off his glasses as he stared Toby in the eye before Toby continued. "Of course there wouldn't be, 'cause you can't rise to a position like yours without-" He played with his tie before he stood up and resumed pacing. "HAA-uggg… Look, this is exactly … what we said we wanted it to be." Toby's volume escalated. "We said we were tired of reading about the President's scattershot foreign policy. We said - you want to fillet me for this, fine. We said when we go to the U.N., we were gonna-"

"I think it's great."

"We said we were gonna... Yeah?"

Leo's forehead creased. "I do." He grinned. "You know your wife's goin' ta have something to say about it, though."

"My ex-wife." Toby glanced down.

"Yeah." Leo confirmed.

"Why do you call her my wife?" Toby asked.

"It bothers you."

"Everything bothers me."

"Yeah."

He tilted his head. "But you pick that?"

Leo shrugged. "Yeah."

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Toby strode through the Bullpen with folders in his hand. "He liked it."

'Gotta get this done.' Sam leaned against a desk. "Yeah?" '

Toby stopped just before his doorway. "Heee... liked it a lot. Mostly what I wrote, not so much what you wrote." He headed into his office.

Sam crinkled his forehead. "Yeah? So how long do you think 'fore the old lady comes by ta give ya a whoopin'?"

'She's not my old lady, not anymore.' He stopped and turned around. "Her office called already, didn't they?

Sam grinned. "You bet, baby."

'Oh, God.' "HA-uggghhh." Toby groaned. "You prolly wanna rethink callin' me "baby," righ'?"

Sam chuckled. "Yeah."

Toby went into his office just as Ainsley glided through the Bullpen in a black evening gown.

Sam noticed Ainsley. "Whoa, Nellie!" 'Holy sh**, she looks good.'

"Hello." Ainsley smiled. 'Wouldn't you like to take this dress off?'

Sam stood up. "Hayes, you could make a good dog break his leash."

A woman in a gray sweater and cardigan filed paperwork at a desk. 'Excuse me?'

'And you'll get to break your leash soon enough. Get to work.' "We have a social function to get to."

Sam raised his eyebrows. "Americans for the Preservation of Family Values an' White People?"

'You do wanna get lucky, right?' Ainsley batted her eyelashes. "The Federalist Society."

"A hootenanny." He headed toward his office and Ainsley followed him.

"So what do we got?"

"32-50... is a consolidated appropriations act that we wanna drop in the U.N. speech

… for Monday morning. I need you to review the final legislative language so we can shop it ...

'round the Hill over the weekend." Sam looked through his files.

Ainsley put her hand on her hip. "What does it call for?"

"Uh, I don't know."

"Sam."

He handed her papers. "It authorizes payment of nine hundred and twenty-six million in U.N. dues … over three years … for an exchange in the reduction of U.N. bureaucracy, as well as peace-keeping assessments by the General Assembly."

She read the documents. "And what are we concerned about?

"Well, the language was drafted by Republicans." Sam raised his eyebrows.

Ainsley flipped through the pages. "We're inscrutable."

Sam smiled. "I just want you to look for legal land mines."

"Like what?"

Sam shrugged. "I dunno. … A ban on German food ... or a hidden amendment saying how annoying the French are."

"How 'bout this? We drop out the U.N. entirely … an' use the 926 million to take everybody in the country out to brunch?" Ainsley rolled up the speech. 'Or better yet, work towards paying off the National Debt so we don't have to declare bankruptcy. That'd be nice.'

Sam nodded as he pointed his pen at her. "Why don't you write that suggestion in the margins?"

"I'll be in my office." Ainsley swung her hips on her way out of the office as her hair trailed down her back. '

"Whoa. I didn't even see that thing from the back." He pictured the dress falling to the floor as Ainsley gazed over her shoulder at him. Ainsley passed the woman in a gray cardigan and sweater set.

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Sam called from his office. "Ginger?" He approached the Bullpen.

"She's not here." The woman in the gray cardigan organized documents that she printed.

"Is Bonnie here?"

"They went ta get something to eat."

Sam ambled towards the woman. "Have we met?"

"No. I'm Celia Walton." She shook Sam's hand.

"Sam Seaborn. You're one of the people ... who was sent over for the week?"

"Yeah." She smiled and nodded.

"We appreciated your helping out."

"I go where I'm told. …. D'you mind ... if I …. say something ... ta you?"

Sam read his documents. "No."

"The way you talked to that woman before." She crossed her wrists just below her torso.

Sam furrowed his brow. "What woman?"

"I don't know her name. …. The ... 'dog…. on a leash'."

Sam chuckled. "That was Ainsley Hayes. She's an Associate Counsel."

"Yeah. … It was rude ... it was inappropriate … and it was offensive."

'What?' "What did I do?"

'Is he serious? Men.' "You demeaned her."

Sam shook his head. "No, … she's my girlfriend. I'm allowed to flirt wit' my girlfriend... y'know…. Also, … she started it." He furrowed his brow and creased his forehead.

'Some boyfriend you are.' "Whatever."

He bit his lip. "Well… Okay." He headed to his office and then turned around. 'How could that demean her? Am I not supposed to think about her like that?' "I wasn't demeaning her. ... I was complimenting her."

"She's an Associate White House Counsel and you're complimenting her on her sexuality?"

'I compliment her on alotta things.' "She looked good in that dress I thought." 'She always looks, but I mean like…. She looked extra good.'

"Okay." Celia returned to her work.

*ta-DUMP ta-DUMP ta-DUMP ta-DUMP ta-DUMP ta-DUMP.* A redheaded woman marched in and glanced around the Bullpen. "Where is he?"

"Congresswoman?"

"Where is he, Sam?" She pursed her lips.

"Toby?" Sam raised his eyebrows.

'Don't play dumb with me.' "Yes."

"I … do not know."

'Bullsh**.' "Liar."

"You … wanna talk about the speech?"

"I, …. and members of the House International Relations Committee, … yes…. I couldn't

help but notice that your fingerprints are all over this too. ….. You an' Toby wanna be responsible for starting World War III?"

Sam shook his head. "No."

"Well, you're gonna." Andy's eyes grew wide.

Sam furrowed his brow. "I was having a good night … until, like, … three minutes ago."

"Where is he?"

He shook his head. "I don't know."

"...You said that already."

"But, … you've asked me again, and I still didn't know." Sam shrugged.

Andy stood in Toby's office doorway. "May I wait in his office?"

"Better his than mine." 'She might … hurt me or something.'

*BAM.* Andy slammed the door.

"HA-ugg." He sighed and turned back to Celia. "What were we talking 'bout?"

Celia looked up from the desk. " Look, ... I'm just a temporary hand here for a week, but … I don't think it's a joke or anything."

Sam's brows knit together. "And you say Ginger and Bonnie are out getting something … to … eat?"

She fiddled with post-its. "Yeah."

Toby entered the Bullpen with files. "I need these distributed." He handed the files to Celia.

"Andy's in your office."

'What the h***, Sam?' "You let her in my office?"

"Yeah." 'What was I supposed to do? I thought she might hurt me.'

"What the h*** did you let her in my office for?" Toby stepped into Sam's office. 'I thought you had my back.'

"Okay, ... well, … I'm just gonna step out for a minute an'... not … be ... in this area anymore." 'And I'm gonna sit down … and not touch anything.' Sam walked away.

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'Good, they're getting serious about foreign policy. ….It's gonna ruffle some feathers, though.' Sam entered Ainsley's office through the double doors as Ainsley took notes at her desk. "Wait… what happened to your dress?"

"We're not goin' ta make the party. There's too much work to do."

Sam's face fell. "I'm sorry, Babe."

"It's okay. There'll be other social functions." Ainsley kissed his cheek. "Anyway. There's a thing in this we need to be careful of."

"What?"

"They say they'll approve a new scale of peacekeeping assessments if there's a cost-sharing

mechanism, but it isn't fully addressed here. … You're gonna want me to rewrite some of this

language before the president goes to the U.N." Ainsley held a pen laced between her fingers.

"Mm-hmm." Sam contemplated.

"What?"

"Let me ask you something. ... Before, … when I said that … you were ... enough ta make a good dog ... break his leash, … you understand … that ... men, … we're the dog, … right?" Sam pointed to himself. "I … was the dog."

"I understood the metaphor."

"Okay." Sam paced around the office with his hands in his pockets.

"The peacekeeping assessment has to be based on per capita income … of each country, wi' category J countries paying the … least … atta ninety percent discount."

Sam shrugged. "I mean' it to make you feel good."

"It did."

"Although I certainly meant it." He took his hands out of his pockets.

'I know.' "I appreciate it."

"I didn't mean ta demean you." Sam said.

"I kinda need ya to listen along."

"Okay." Sam leaned on the edge of a table.

"Category A countries will be paying a premium, actually over-paying to cover the … discounts for Category J states."

"Yeah." Sam agreed.

"So we need to be … more ... specific … about Category A. It's gonna be important."

"I was told that I demeaned you."

Ainsley shook her head. "You didn't."

Sam shrugged to the side. "I was told that I did."

"By whom?"

'Did you just use 'whom' in the grammatically correct context? G** d***, that's sexy.' Sam crinkled his face. "By someone named Celia."

"She's mistaken." Ainsley blinked.

"You sure?" 'Because I love you and I'd feel like sh** if I had demeaned you.'

Ainsley gestured towards herself. "If I felt demeaned, I'd be among the … very … first people to know it."

"Terrific."

"Here're my notes."

"I'll rewrite'em now. You'll stick around?"

"What else would I do on a Friday night?" Ainsley sat at her desk.

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Charlie tracked rainwater in through the Lobby as he limped through the double doors. "Ouch." 'Oh thank God, somewhere I can sit.' He hobbled through the Bullpen. "ka-HUHHHHHH." Charlie sat in Ginger's chair

'Is that … Charlie?' Sam stepped out of his office. "Charlie?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you in pain?" He stood in his office doorway.

'Nah, please no.' "No."

Sam read over his speech rough drafts. "Charlie?"

"Yes?"

Sam stopped in the middle of the room. "Have you been playing basketball?"

"Yes."

Sam put down the speech. "Didya get beat?"

"No."

Sam tilted his head. "Charlie?"

'Okay fine.' Yes.

He rested against the desk. "Who'd ya play?"

"Doesn't matter." Charlie put his messenger bag on the floor. 'Let's just move on. Please.'

"Ed?" Sam inquired.

"Nope."

"Larry?"

"No." Charlie readjusted his position in the chair.

"Jack?"

"No."

'I need coffee.' Sam sauntered past Ginger's desk. "Didya get beat by Manny?"

"No."

"Who?"

Charlie reached into his pocket. "Deanna."

"Your sister?"

"Yes."

Sam poured coffee. "Your ...little... sister."

Charlie looked up at Sam. "...She plays varsity, Sam."

The pouring stopped. "Girl's….. varsity."

"She played a finesse game."

"Man, you can't walk." Sam walked back to the desk on the other side of Charlie.

"Yeah. I dunno what's happening to my life."

Sam rests on the edge of the desk. "Listen, I can tell you're down in the dumps, but let's talk about me."

Charlie nodded. "Okay."

"If your sister was getting ready for a night out, an' I said, "Deanna, you're enough to make a good dog break his leash," would you think I was a cad?"

Charlie creased his forehead. "I'd think you were a hick."

Ainsley walked in. "Sam…"

"Hang on. Because of the sentiment or the expression?"

"It's my sister?"

"Yeah."

"I'd beat you up."

"You and how many Girl Scouts?"

"If I could stand up…"

"Sam…"

"But if it wasn't your sister?" Sam clarified.

"Then you're fine."

"He says I'm fine." Sam stood up.

"You're not, 'cause this isn't quite right."

"Still?"

"It needs … to be clear ... that the ...total... assessment is down to 25 percent … from 27 percent … for Category A."

"We've been in this fight."

Celia entered the bullpen as Ainsley continued. "But if we pay before we work out the lang-"

"Hang on." Sam spun around as held up his index finger. "Here she is. … Celia, I asked Ainsley, and she … said … she ... didn't … mind … at all. … Plus, … Charlie ... said he's fine with it."

'This again?' Ainsley thought.

'Okay?' Celia nodded. "Charlie's a man."

"Damn right." Charlie confirmed as Celia headed back to her desk.

Bonnie and Ginger both returned as Ainsley attempted to redirect Sam's attention. 'Sweetheart, please focus.' "Sam?"

"Yes?"

"We need to be clear … we're not gonna take a bath … when other countries can afford to take on more." 'I know y'all love to spend money, but the madness has gotta stop.'

"Yes."

Ainsley touched his forearm. "This is important."

"Yeah, I also think it's important to make clear I am not a sexist."

"And that I'm all man."

'Okay, fine.' Ainsley turned towards Celia. "You're Celia?"

Celia looked up. "Yes."

"He's not a sexist." Ainsley turned back to Sam.

"If you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power." Celia interrupted.

'Excuse me?' Ainsley turned back to Celia. "I'm sorry?"

"I said, ... 'I'm surprised ... you're willing to let you … sexuality … diminish your power'." Celia repeated.

"I don't even know what that means."

"I think you do."

"An' I think you think I'm made outta candy glass, Celia. If somebody says something

that offends you, tell them, ... but all women don't have to think alike."

"I didn't say they did," Celia creased her forehead. "and when somebody said something that offended me, I did .. say so."

'And you're judging me because I'm not outraged that someone flirted with me, nevermind the fact that he's my boyfriend.' "I like it …. when the guys tease me. It's an ... inadvertent show of respect that I'm on the team, and I don't mind it when it gets sexual. … And … you know why? ... I like sex!"

'Yes, she does.' Sam thought.

Charlie's eyes got wide. "Hello."

"I don't think that whatever sexuality ... I may have ... diminishes my power. … I think it enhances it."

'What the h***.' Celia's face scrunched. "And what .. kinda feminism d'ya call that?"

Ainsley gestured towards herself. "My kind."

Ginger shrugged. "It's called Lipstick Feminism. …. I call it … Stiletto... Feminism."

"Stilettos?" Sam's interest peaked.

"You're not inna enough trouble already?" Ainsley scolded.

"I suppose I am."

"Isn't the point ... that Sam wouldn't have been able … to find ... another way ta be ... chummy … with a woman who's sexually appealing?"

'Well, he is. Obviously.' "He would be able to, but that isn't the point. The point is that ... sexual revolution ... tends to get in the way of … actual... revolution. Nonsense issues distract attention away from real ones: pay equity, child care, honest-to-God sexual harassment and, ... in this case, ... a speech in front of the U.N. General Assembly. ...So, you," Ainsley spun around. "25 percent on the assesments for Category A." She turned to Charlie. "You... I don't know what your thing is." She turned back to Celia. "And you, stop trying to take the fun out of my day. …. With that, I'm going to get a cupcake."

'Of course she is, because she only had 3 cookies with her dinner.' "Well, for the moment at least, I'm going to do what she's telling me to do." He headed towards his office.

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