20

Facing The Truth

"Where in blue blazes have you been boy?" Potter crowed as Hawkeye shuffled into his office, bleary eyed. "We've been looking everywhere for you."

BJ eyed Hawk but did say anything. He stood to the side, leaned against the old saddle with his arms crossed and his jaw set. Hawk took a seat in one of the chairs in front of Potter's desk but the Colonel didn't sit.

"Sorry, Colonel," was all Hawk could manage to say. He pulled his coat tighter over his chest and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"I spoke with Lt. Foster yesterday morning about what's been going on and despite my best efforts, she still wanted to put in for a transfer. I understood why she wanted to go and made the decision to file the transfer anyway. Now before you go bustin' at the seams, Pierce," he said, holding up a hand when Hawkeye looked like he might spout off, "I got word a couple hours ago that her request has been denied. For now. Pending Lt. Grey's court martial, Foster's been ordered to stay right here."

"What about after that? She can't leave."

Potter propped against the front of his desk, facing Hawkeye and relaxed his tone. "I understand you care about the girl. Really, I do. And I don't want to lose a good nurse. What should I have done? Kept the girl here because of personal feelings? She'd feel like a prisoner. You don't want that any more than I do."

"There's no guarantee they'd transfer her anyway," BJ said. "Nurses are in short supply these days. We're already losing one, I doubt the Army'll let one transfer out when we're already understaffed."

"That's a good point," Potter said. "Just try to relax until we get this thing sorted. Now, I have guards posted around the VIP tent where we're keeping Grey, but you know how those boys get. Until the court martial, you and Foster can't go anywhere alone. BJ's agreed to stay with you, and I talked to some of the nurses about keeping up with Foster. I know it's a pain, but considering what happened, I think this is the best course of action to keep you two safe."

"I don't understand why the MPs haven't picked her up yet," BJ said. "She nearly killed someone."

"The road between here and Seoul is blocked," Potter explained. "Rockslide off one of those mountains filled the pass with twenty plus feet of rock and snow. The engineers are doing their best with it, but it'll likely take a few days. Only other way is chopper and the Army's not willing to part with any that aren't for wounded since there's a push on. The only thing we can do is stay vigilant and hope the MPs get through soon."

"Does Irene know her transfer didn't go through?" Hawk asked.

"I expect Margaret's handled that already. Now you boys get back to the Swamp and get some rest. We have wounded expected from the front in a few hours and I want you both bright eyed and bushy tailed when we go in there."

"Too bad that rockslide didn't take out the front lines," BJ said as Radar poked his head around the door.

"Sorry sir, phone lines are down."

"Dammit. How're we supposed to know when the casualties are coming?" Potter bellowed.

"I'll try again sir."

"No need, just keep an eye out on the compound. I don't want to get blindsided."

Radar disappeared again but Hawkeye didn't have the heart to make a joke after him. The news of Irene staying in camp was bittersweet. On the one hand, he had time to see her again, just for a while. On the other hand, he had time to see her again. He'd have to stand beside her at an operating table for hours and feel her warmth so close, hear her voice echoing his requests. It was Carlye all over again. It didn't matter how much he loved her; he couldn't change. If it wasn't the skirt chasing, it'd be him putting his patient's first.

Before the others could speak Hawkeye left the office, trudging across the compound back to Rosie's where for a couple bucks she agreed to hide him off in the back room where he could drink alone.

Winter wind tore across the compound, bitterly cold. He hadn't properly felt his fingers or nose since the day before but he didn't care either.

"Where are you headed alone?" BJ said, trotting up beside him.

Hawk paused. "I don't know."

"What's going on with you, Hawk? You've been acting weird since you and Irene got back. You wanna talk to me about it?"

"I saw it happen, BJ."

"I don't follow."

"That moment in the field when she was running back to me and saw that man get cut in half by the helicopter blade right in front of her. We know everyone has their breaking point, but I saw hers. The very moment it happened. She woke in my arms screaming."

"That happens to everyone eventually."

"But what if it was Peg?"

BJ dropped his head.

"She pulled a gun on a man for me," Hawkeye said. "When they came to get us, we had no idea who was out there. I had a concussion. If the Chinese had come in, I wouldn't have been able to protect her. I would have been helpless, but she protected me. Put herself between me and danger and… and maybe she'd have been willing to shoot someone. I can't even comprehend that. I know she cares about me, but she's trying her damndest to get away and I don't know what to do about it."

"Let's go back to the Swamp. I'll buy you a drink."

Hawkeye absently watched as a jeep sped up the hill and past Rosie's, forging ahead through mud and slush. His eyes followed the jeep drove out of sight before turning around to go with BJ. Margaret walked by with her hands shoved under her arms, stealing glances at the road. Worry creased her brow and she seemed in a hurry to get to Potters office.

"What's wrong?" BJ asked.

She stopped and shifted her weight. "A doctor just came through on the way to battalion aid. Apparently he stopped Foster and asked how he might get a nurse to go with him and she volunteered without my permission. Just got in the damn jeep and took off with him. Her leg's not even completely healed yet and she's pulling this bone headed move. I don't know what's gotten into her!"

"She went to battalion aid? We can't let her do that, we have to go get her," Hawk insisted. "She could get killed out there."

"I don't know what else we can do," Margaret said. "We have casualties coming in the next couple of hours, I have half my nurses prepping the OR and the other half resting before they get here and I still haven't checked supply. We can't spare anyone to go running off to bring her back."

"Go tell Potter," BJ said calmly. "I'll make sure Hawkeye stays put."

Margaret glanced between the two and deciding she had no choice, went to inform their commander of their flighty nurse.

"I have to go get her."

"Hawk, you can't. I know how bad you want to, but we need you here. A lot of boys'll go home in pine boxes if you're not here to patch them up."

"But Irene—"

"She wouldn't want you risking those kid's lives on a chase to bring her back. You have to take a little faith that she'll be alright. Then you can sweep her off her feet with your hero routine." BJ clapped his hand over Hawk's shoulder and tried to keep a smile on his face.

"I don't want to lose her."

"She's going to be alright."

"If she comes back, and God I pray she does, she still wants to leave. I love her Beej."

"You've been in love before. I've seen you let women go before and you've always come out alright. You'll be alright this time too."

"But what if I don't want to be? I mean… how long can I run from this? Maybe I don't feel like running anymore."

BJ nodded slowly. "Yeah. Okay. C'mon Hawk. We need some sleep."

There wasn't any more to talk about. He didn't want to run but he also felt that same old insecurity slipping into his brain and BJ… well, Beej wasn't about to kick him when he was down but Hawk knew the look of doubt in his friend's eyes was well founded.

The love he'd felt for Carlye hadn't been enough. He'd proposed himself into a corner with her. Said beautiful, shallow things that should have been given with sincerity but had come out as more of him talking himself into marriage. A life with her. How could he think there'd be anything different with Irene?

And what if she was right? What if he lost interest and started chasing the next nurse who came in that hadn't been hardened by war? Like Irene had been. That scent. The damn smell of flowers that had clung to him after that first session in the OR when she refused to tell him her name. He'd hurt her. He couldn't even say to himself that it wouldn't happen because he didn't know.

BJ led the way back to the Swamp and Hawkeye wrestled with himself internally until the burn on gin jolted him out of it. He hadn't even realized he had it in his hand until it was tearing away down his throat. Charles was already asleep and snoring lightly from his cot and Hawk just stared at him, no, through him to nothing.

"You'll feel better after a few dozen hours on your feet," BJ said, slipping off his boots. "But no more booze till we're finished."

Hawk swirled the clear liquid in his glass for a moment before throwing the rest back and dropping into bed. He didn't bother with his boots or his blanket, just turned off his light and ran himself in circles about what to do about Irene when she came back. If she came back.

He tossed to the other side, trying to leave the thought behind, but it was that very thought that crawled back in as his body gave in to sleep and led him straight into a minefield of nightmares.

"You alright, little lady?" The doctor asked when Irene peeked back for the sixth time at a camp she couldn't possibly still see.

"I'm fine. I'm sorry, I didn't get your name." Irene turned to the doctor, an older gentleman that reminded her of her father. He had gray hair, a strong jaw despite a bit of pudge that had accumulated in his age, and kind eyes that held a softness that people trusted.

"Major Daniel Reeves. And you are—"

"Lt. Irene Foster." They shook hands and then Irene went back to tucking her hands under her arms for warmth. The wind blowing in her face was sharp, biting. She looked back again.

"You sure there's nothing eating you?" he asked again.

"More that you'd care to hear." She tried to force a laugh.

"We have time. Besides, maybe this old man's got enough years on him to give some good advice."

"It's alright, I don't want to trouble you."

"Not at all. It's along ride and I'd rather hear your story than any of mine. Told 'em a million times, see? Boring!"

What could it hurt? she thought. Gazing out at the landscape made white by snow and brown by mud in the trenches, she told him everything. Probably more than he wanted to hear and the more she said, the more she felt like a fool. When she finished she was prepared for him to say she needed to move on. To do exactly what she was trying to do and run. Hawkeye wasn't any good for her and if she asked him to change he'd only end up—

"Seems to me like you're running for the wrong reasons," he said after a long pause.

"W-what?"

"If there's one thing I've learned in all these years, it's that the price of love is pain. Doesn't mean it's any less worth it. Look, you can't live your life afraid of pain or disappointment or failure… you live it for today. Enjoy that love while you have it, and when it's gone, well, grieve for it and the look back on it with fond memories and take the lessons with you."

"I wasn't expecting that."

"Take it from experience. You'll regret it and wonder what would have happened if you don't even try."

"Even if I know what's going to happen?"

Major Reeves laughed. "Little lady, I'll have you know that I wasn't always this hearty," he slapped his belly a few times. "I was young once and a bit like your Captain Pierce. Always after women but I'll tell you what, I had just the right girl take a chance on me and we've made a wonderful life together."

"But if I'm not the right girl, I'll end up hurt anyway."

"Maybe. But isn't it worth the risk to not live in regret?"

Irene sat back, teeth chattering. She hadn't thought about it that way. What was she running from exactly? Fear of getting hurt? Fear of not being good enough? Fear of being used by another man? None of that was Hawkeye's fault. What happened with Andrew wasn't Hawkeye's fault.

"You don't have to decide now," Reeves said. "We still have this harrowing trip to make, right? Plenty of time to consider what you want."

The sound of shelling grew closer as they neared the front lines but Major Reeves didn't seem concerned in the least. Irene shrank back from the noise and remembered what had happened only a few days before, when she'd jumped from the helicopter to run back to Hawkeye. She was fooling herself to think she could walk away so easily. The prospect of getting hurt still buzzed in her head, but she didn't have to take the rest of the trip to think, she knew what she wanted. To hell with the consequences.