While You Were Gone, Chapter 24
A/N - Yeah, I'm still slow. I hope you'll let this chapter be a little silver lining in the midst of the pandemic - I'm hoping to give you guys a couple more while I'm still socially distancing, but we'll see what happens. As always, thank you to everyone who is still reading - this is for you. If you've stuck around this long/made it this far, you deserve this update.
Before anyone asks - I've only seen bits and pieces of the BH6 series cartoon. I have mixed feelings - there are elements I love (Karmi's fanfiction?!) but I miss the "with enough science, this could actually happen!" feel of the movie. Also - Honey Lemon is not a ditz.
Warnings - You know the drill. Social anxiety, self doubt, etc. We're all exhausted with you, Tadashi. Keep your head up.
One more thing - I have no idea what the scanning device Hiro uses in the movie is called, hence "area scanner."
Hiro is in his glory.
He tries to remember the last time he and Tadashi worked on something together, but it's been forever. Now his older brother sits with him in the garage, listening as Hiro runs through the most recent specs for everyone's gear. Hiro already has ideas for improvements and he shares them, his excitement and anticipation growing with each affirmative sound or comment Tadashi makes. He can't wait to get these designs programmed into the 3D printer - it's going to be amazing and brother-approved.
"Make sure you run a prototype through extensive testing," Tadashi reminds him. "Hit it, shoot it, drop it…"
"If that will make you feel better, I will do it," Hiro assures him. He pivots in his chair, ready to tweak the design a little more. He's been torn between his desires to be in Big Hero 6 and to be on good terms with Tadashi for so long that now, when things have somehow fallen together, it's like having a huge burden lifted off his shoulders...and his brain. His mind is running a hundred miles a minute, the relief pumping him full of ideas and motivation like mental jet fuel. He reaches for his notebook, but his fingers touch his area scanner instead. In all his excitement it seems like an engaging idea, and Hiro picks the scanner up, spinning to look at his brother again. "Hey, want me to design something for you?"
"Why?" Tadashi asks, almost too quickly, like Hiro's caught him off guard.
"I don't know," Hiro responds with a shrug. He doesn't - he already knows Tadashi won't use whatever gear Hiro imagines up. Tadashi doesn't want anyone being a superhero. And...Tadashi is still working on doing things normal people do, never mind superheroes. Nevertheless, Hiro kind of wishes his brother would just agree. It would be cool to get a little glimpse of what, in a different set of circumstances, a Big Hero 7 team could look like. The little flame of anger at Tadashi's situation flares up in him again, but this time it's quenched with something more like sadness. Longing. He wants his brother on his team, and that isn't going to happen right now. Hiro tosses up his hands a little, still holding the scanner. "Just for fun, I guess."
"Don't waste your time," Tadashi tells him in what Hiro knows is supposed to be a nonchalant tone - but he notices the hitch in his brother's voice.
"I make really cool tech," Hiro draws out the words, trying to make them sound tempting, but Tadashi has chosen to ignore him. Instead, his brother has returned to the pile of research articles about testing protective gear he printed out earlier. Hiro scoots over in his rolly chair, deciding to take the role of petulant younger sibling instead. "Just let me get your specs. It will keep me out of trouble if I get bored."
"Nope," Tadashi refuses, but he doesn't sound irritated, just stubborn. He pulls the cover off a highlighter with his teeth and scribbles over something in one of the articles, then flips his printout over to read the other side.
"It takes like three seconds," Hiro pushes, but Tadashi doesn't budge. "All you do is stand there. Are you really going to say no to a little bitty scan from me when you let the hospital people take all kinds of weird pictures of you?"
"Uh huh," Tadashi responds, not even looking up this time. He taps the highlighter against his chin. Apparently he's gotten to something good. Hiro strains to read the section title from his current position. Acceptable Peak Acceleration Values in Impact Testing. Perfect reading material for a protective and nerdy older brother.
Hiro aims the scanner at his brother's head. I will scan you now, he thinks, letting his thumb push down the button. Tadashi might not notice the slight click, but as the scanner's light flashes over his face he gives Hiro a disapproving glare.
"Hiro!"
Tadashi leans in front of the mirror, trying to get his hair to lie the right way. It's grown out enough that he's been able to return to his old haircut and sure enough - the rebellious strands in the back are still there.
He takes a step back so that he can see more of his reflection. It looks...familiar. Sure, he can't hide the patchy scarring on his face, or the silicone bandages on his neck, but he still looks like himself. He tries tugging the neckline of his t-shirt up enough to cover his compression top, then opts to trade his cardigan for a hooded sweatshirt. He tucks his hands into the pocket and looks again. Fully clothed, he looks...mostly unremarkable. Good. That's what he's going for.
You're probably going to get attention whether you want it or not, his counselor has warned him. He's going back to school, where the accident happened, where people know who he is. Like it or not, many of them already know his story. The best he can do is be prepared to answer questions or come up with excuses not to. And in his own way, it makes sense to try to blend in visually as much as possible.
Remember what you practiced, he coaches himself. Smile. Be warm and friendly and confident. Stand up straight and make eye contact. All things that normally come naturally to him, but that somehow seem so much more challenging under these circumstances. He runs through his rehearsed responses, hoping the questions will be few and far between. I was burned in the showcase fire. I'm doing better now. Thanks for your concern.
Smile, smile, smile.
"Smile!"
First day of school! Cass knows that by now she really shouldn't be all giddy and excited any more, but Hiro is still little (well, sort of) and Tadashi is actually going back and...ah, who cares? She'll be excited if she wants! She snaps her photo, then throws an arm around each nephew.
It's crazy how much things can change in a few months. Hiro has shot up a few inches - Tadashi doesn't quite tower over him any more. She realizes belatedly that his favorite jacket seems to be getting too small and...didn't those shorts cover his knees before? She makes a mental note to try to drag him to the store. And ugh...she should really take that kid to the orthodontist too.
Tadashi, on the other hand, looks healthier and steadier than he did that first day home from the hospital. Yes, he's thinner and the scarring over his face is still fading, and he's wearing a sweatshirt and joggers instead of his former spiffier choices - but he actually grins for this photo, teeth flashing and smile rising up over his cheeks. He looks...happy.
"Oh, I love you guys!" Cass can't help but exclaim, smothering both of them again. "You make me so, so, so proud!"
Hiro stands with his brother at the bus stop, anxious to get to campus. Maybe Tadashi isn't going to suit up with Hiro, but they are going to SFIT together. He rocks back and forth on his feet, remembering how badly he'd wanted to join Tadashi there, then the utter devastation he felt after the fire. For a while, he thought this was impossible.
"Hey." Hiro takes a few steps so that he's right next to his brother. "I'm...uh...I'm really glad you're going back."
Tadashi smiles and looks like he's going to say something, but then their bus pulls up. It's already crowded with university students, but Hiro spots an empty priority seat right near the front. He holds onto the support pole nearby after Tadashi sits down, noticing that his brother looks unusually pale.
"If you're going to puke, try and aim away from my shoes," Hiro instructs him.
This earns him an eye roll and a light kick in the shin. "You're the one who threw up on a bus," Tadashi reminds him, but despite the light tone Hiro feels like something is still off. A few blocks later the bus comes to a jerky stop and Hiro notices Tadashi swallowing hard and taking a deep breath. His brother takes a quick glance at all the people around them and inhales again. Oh jeez, this isn't actually going to happen, is it?
"Are you sure you're okay?" Hiro asks, lowering his voice. "You look like you're going to hurl."
"I'm fine," Tadashi assures him, but he has his eyes closed now. "There's just a lot of people."
A lot of people? Hiro feels his eyebrows scrunch together, and he glances towards the back as the bus rumbles forward again. Well yeah, all the students have returned. It's crammed full of them talking, checking their phones, even trying to squeeze in quick naps.
Too many people, Hiro realizes belatedly. All summer, this bus has been a lot emptier. Campus has been empty. He looks at the students again and remembers being little, clinging to his brother's hand while an entire room full of kids taller and older than him gawked. It's not one of his favorite memories. You'll be okay, he remembers Tadashi saying, nudging him into the classroom with a thumbs up.
Hiro purses his lips and turns his attention back to his brother again. The color has returned to Tadashi's cheeks and he's relaxed back in his seat a little, but he still has his eyes closed and his fingertips press tightly against the edge of the textbook on his lap. Which classes did Tadashi say he had today? How many people are in them? Hiro isn't taking any classes with him - it didn't seem important because Tadashi loves school. He likes people. People like him.
Nobody's going to bother him, are they? In all of Hiro's interactions at SFIT, people have been kind and supportive when it comes to Tadashi: writing on get well banners or asking how he's doing or when he'll return. Everyone who knows him should just be happy, right? That's what Hiro's been picturing: people excitedly welcoming his brother back, not...not anything else.
Their bus finally reaches school and Hiro herds Tadashi off, relieved to see at least one familiar person waving at them wildly. "Hiro! Tadashi! Over here!" Honey Lemon calls from the lawn, and as more people disperse Hiro can see GoGo standing next to her. Honey is already pushing them into selfie formation, snapping photos and rambling about how they need to meet up for lunch, should they order something, maybe Fred could pick it up?
Her enthusiasm seems to put Tadashi at ease, and Hiro is reassured that he'll be alright. He nudges his brother's arm a little, grinning. "Welcome back to nerd school, nerd."
Tadashi stands just inside his first lecture hall, trying to determine the best place to sit. Other over-eager students are already dotting the tiered lines of tables and chairs, but the majority are still empty. It's vaguely reassuring that the room is so big. He selects a spot near the wall about halfway down: he'll still be able to see the professor but won't create much of a disturbance if he has to get up and stretch. He doesn't know if he can sit through an entire hour and a half long class. There are a lot of things he doesn't know.
More people filter in. Someone takes the seat behind him and he can sense the person leaning forward before they say anything. "Tadashi?" they ask, with a hint of surprise.
Smile, he commands himself, turning enough in his lecture chair to see a guy from several of his previous classes. "Hey."
His classmate stares for a moment and Tadashi can feel him taking in the visible scars, the other changes in his appearance. Eye contact! he reminds himself. Keep smiling! Ask a dumb question! But he can't remember any of the questions his counselor made him think up other than How about those Ninjas?
"I'm glad you're not dead," his classmate finally blurts out lamely.
Tadashi can't help it - he laughs a little. It could be a lot worse. "Yeah, me too," he responds, even as the seats around his own continue to fill and more glances come his way. Class begins and he struggles to separate his copy of three different colored printouts from stacks of each, passing them down the row and debating whether to tape record the entire class introduction or haphazardly type or scrawl illegible notes over everything. Soon enough he's caught up in the professor's introduction to the course content, and it's not until break, when he's stiffly getting up from his chair, that he thinks he overhears his name. What exactly are they saying? How many of them are watching his shuffle to the bathroom, his impromptu conversation with the professor, his stretches towards the end of class when he can't sit comfortably any more. Does it matter? At least there's all this space to separate them.
Not like in the hallway, where he tries to move quickly enough to avoid getting jostled or detained. He double checks his schedule and makes his way to his next class, pausing for a moment when he passes an overly familiar classroom - a favorite of his robotics professors. Someone nearly bumps into him on their way in, apologizing and then suddenly recognizing him.
"Tadashi!" His longtime classmate gestures towards the door. "Are you taking Social Implications too?"
"Next year," he manages to respond. He's been looking forward to this class, but he missed the prerequisite...because he was in a drug-induced coma. His entire cohort will be taking it together. His old cohort. They'll be taking all the classes he wanted to take, and he'll be struggling through his seven credits of filler classes that cooperate with doctor and therapy appointments. He excuses himself before his classmate can ask anything else. "Sorry, I have a different class to get to. Nice seeing you."
The next class is small and the girl next to him helps with the papers, giving him an awkward smile as she hands him a copy of the syllabus. This...this might be alright. He can handle some uncertainty from other people - he'd be a little unsure about what to do too, right? He smiles back and thanks her, noticing the lines of her face relax. And then it happens - they're doing class introductions.
Crap.
He goes the safe route, rattling off his name and major, telling everyone he grew up in San Fransokyo, mentioning he's taking this class because it never hurts to know yet another coding language or two, right? He turns immediately to the girl next to him, hoping she'll jump in with her introduction before...
"What happened?" someone asks, flat out, no hesitation. The question isn't malicious, but...
Seriously?
Dude, he just said he's Tadashi Hamada, Tadashi overhears, and he wonders if that's all he is to all of them - the guy who ran into an exploding building, the one who was dead, the one they named a fricking building after.
Wasabi is waiting for him when he finishes his second class. "Here," he says, taking Tadashi's book. He should protest, insist on doing it himself - but being out for so long with so many people has him exhausted already. "I have an hour before my next class. I'll drive you home."
Tadashi thinks about mentioning lunch, about explaining that he was going to bring forms to the office, but he just nods. "Okay," he agrees. "Thanks."
"Are you gonna be okay walking to the car?" Wasabi asks. "I'm parked in the Newton lot."
Cripes...that's halfway across campus. The bus might be easier. It shouldn't be too crowded at this time of the day...
"I'll come get you," Wasabi decides for him. He gestures towards the building. "Do you want to wait inside? It's pretty warm out here."
"It's fine," Tadashi tells him as he drops down at one of the picnic tables. "Thanks."
It is warm. He's left his water bottle at home and he debates whether to check the vending machines for some...but then he's probably going to have to ask someone to shove his money into the machine for him, or at least to open the bottle and put the cover back on...
That increasingly familiar heavy feeling starts pressing over his chest. You're fine, he reminds himself. Keep working in therapy. Ask for help. Find all the new angles.
He holds his hands out in front of himself. The left one isn't so bad: it's healing well and he can do most of the things he needs to do with it. The skin is still tight in places, but his surgeon says that can be fixed with minor surgery in a few more months. So...he can be optimistic. With continued practice, he should get near normal function back. With time, it might even become his dominant hand.
The right one is another story. He still has all his fingers, more or less, and everyone seems hard set on making sure to remind him how fortunate he is for that. He works hard in therapy, but he struggles to do very much with it. He concentrates, trying to bring his thumb and pointer finger together. He can close the gap more than he could in the spring, but they still refuse to touch.
...if you guys are lucky, we might even get to build and test some physical models...
He remembers his professor's comment and sighs heavily, looking out over campus. In the past, this tidbit of information would excite him - physical model testing in a computer-based class? Bring it on - that's the best part, right? To see everything that should work in theory come to fruition in reality?
Now it makes him feel physically ill. Even if he can pretty much code in his sleep, he doubts he could build even a bristlebot right now. He might be able to coast by in this class, but the upcoming ones - the ones he wants to be taking, the ones he needs to complete his major - are going to demand abilities he doesn't possess anymore.
"Ready?" Wasabi interrupts his thoughts, waiting in the car.
He gets into the passenger side, struggles out of his too warm sweatshirt, and pulls on his seatbelt. Damn, he thinks. What am I even doing here?
"Hey!" Cass greets her older nephew when he returns from school. He stands still long enough to hug her. "So how'd it go? Big first day back!"
"It was okay," Tadashi tells her, already moving towards the stairs. He smiles briefly. "I think I'm going to lie down before my appointment."
"Well, did you eat?" Cass asks.
"Not yet," Tadashi answers. "I'll eat before I go."
Fifteen minutes later someone complains that there's mayo on their sandwich, so Cass figures maybe Tadashi will want it. She heads up all the stairs and stops short on the landing. Tadashi's breathing sounds wet. From where she's standing she can see him sitting on his bed surrounded by papers and folders, occasionally rubbing at his eyes with his wrist.
"Hey," she says softly, leaning into his room to set the plate on his desk. "I brought you lunch."
He sniffles loudly and shakes his head a little. "Thanks, Aunt Cass."
She drops to sit on the side of his bed, but he doesn't take it as an invitation for a hug, so she knots her hands together instead. "Was it a hard day?" she asks.
Tadashi inhales sharply and the snot catches in his throat. As far as she knows, he hasn't cried since the hospital. "It's just different," he forces out, but once he's said that more words tumble out. "I don't know if I can still do my degree..." Tadashi rubs at his eyes with his wrist and tries to sniffle up all the drainage. "All the things I worked towards...I don't know if I can still do them. I haven't figured it out."
It's terrible to see him this upset. It's different from his normal frustration, different even from the outbursts from a few months ago. This, Cass knows, is about the things he really cares about.
"It was so stupid," he shares, almost defeated. He won't look at her. "It was so stupid to go in there. I can't believe I was so stupid."
"You can't keep beating yourself up about it over and over," Cass tells him, wishing that at some point the words would sink in. How many damn times have they been over this? "It's done. So just do your best, okay? Your best has always been pretty impressive, right?"
Tadashi hums in agreement, letting her pat his arm. He sighs. He's wiped out, maybe too wiped out to keep this up. "I could have done better if none of this happened," he whispers.
"You can't think like that," Cass tells him fiercely. "I know, you did amazing things before you got hurt. And I know it hard right now. But I'm sure you're going to amazing things again. Honestly, you and Hiro scare me sometimes with all your crazy ideas. I'm surprised this house is still standing. Where was I going?" She gets back on track and looks him in the eyes, gathering his hands under her own. "Don't you think it's better to at least try to outdo yourself?" He seems surprised, as though the idea of that is impossible. She can feel her face softening with a smile. "Tadashi, you have your whole life to do it."