Chapter 29: Losing Self Control

Meredith's Point-of-View

My eyes were wide open as I stared relentlessly at my ceiling.

bang-bang-bang-bang

I sighed heavily as I listened to the rhythmic banging coming from the other room. It had been going on for hours, and I'm not exaggerating either. Jackson was known for bragging about his endurance and longevity in the bedroom, but I figured it was all talk like more guys. I had to give my boy credit though, he wasn't lying. I'm sure the girl was having the time of her life.

"Oh God Jackson!" I heard her scream loud enough to wake the entire neighborhood "Fuck me like you want me!"

"I do!" he grunted through a thrust "I want you Cristina!"

I groaned and felt my stomach turn. I was happy for her, for him, but I couldn't remember the last time I got laid, much less getting laid right. I threw the covers off of me and rolled out of bed. I couldn't take any more. I got dressed and threw my hair up into a ponytail before storming out of the house. Being that it was three in the morning I got to the hospital pretty quickly, and even it was pretty dead. I was hoping to at least be put to work, but nothing came up.

What I didn't want to do was sit. Because sitting meant thinking, and I didn't want to sit and think about Derek and his impending wedding. I was trying to be the bigger person, I was trying to let him go, but it was harder than I thought it would be. I heard my phone ring at my hip and quickly answered it after seeing it was my mother's nursing home. I suddenly felt guilty that I hadn't made the time to stop and see her this morning, even if it was early, she was a surgeon, so I knew she was up already.

"Dr. Grey?" the woman asked.

"Yes." I spoke softly into the phone "Is everything ok?"

"Yes," she answered, "Well it is now."

"What do you mean?"

"Well we caught your mother hoarding her medication." She said, "We think she was going to take them all at once and attempt suicide."

"What!" I gasped in disbelief.

"Everything is ok," she reassured me "We took them away and are watching her more carefully, but I wanted to let you know."

"Um." I gulped "Thanks…thanks for letting me know."

"You're welcome Dr. Grey."

I hung up the phone and let out a sigh of strain, I definitely needed to have a talk with her as soon as I could. I heard a sound that no doctor wanted to hear at the end of the hall and rushed on instinct to the room in the corner where an elderly patient lay. I pressed the code button and started compressions.

"Help!" I yelled towards the door "I need a code team in here stat!"

It felt like forever, I looked around the room to see it vacant. I was surprised that no one had noticed it earlier and why there was no family to alert medical staff, I hoped it wasn't too late. The last thing I needed was a death on my hands. Finally, someone appeared in the doorway.

"Tyler." I said with panic "Get me the crash cart."

"I can't Dr. Grey." He said with remorse and pointed to the chart "DNR."

"What." I gasped "No, I…"

"You have to stop Dr. Grey." He said, "She's a DNR case, I was paging someone to call it."

I looked at the patient, who wasn't much older than my own mother and slowly stopped my arms movements. I felt a knot swell inside my throat and removed my hands from her chest.

"Is there family?"

"No." he shook his head "They can't make it out, they said to inform them when its' over."

I felt anger and sadness swirl around me as I glanced at the clock and turned the machine off "Time of death, four-thirteen hundred hours."

He handed me the chart and I signed the last medical paper this woman would have to her life. I felt tears burn my eyes and quickly jetted out of the room, I felt panic as I didn't want to cry in front of my coworkers and rushed into the stairwell, seeing it was clear I sat down and leaned my body against the wall as I started to shake and tears fell from my eyes. I don't' know how long I'd been crying, but I felt someone sit next to me and an arm pulled me over, I went willingly and limp as I laid my head to rest on a large round shoulder, an equally large hand rubbed up and down my lap and though my nose was full of running fluids I recognized the scent and the pain worsened.

I felt him cradle my head with his and some sort of soothing whisper in my ear. He held me close, and I felt safe, I felt warm, and I felt taken care of. I wanted to cherish and hold onto the feeling, but I knew it was foolish. It calmed me though, and that's what I needed. I finally slowed my sobs to deep slow breaths and sniffled as I let my tears dry. He waited patiently, not prodding or begging to know what my issue was, and I was grateful.

"My mother is in the end stages of Alzheimer's." I mumbled softly, I felt his grasp around me tighten "And she almost tried to kill herself."

A short sympathetic silence passed between us and his lips grazed my forehead "I'm sorry." He whispered.

"And I don't want her to die alone." I whimpered "No one should have to die alone."

I picked my head up and he stared into my watery eyes, he seemed to be searching for something in them, probably some type of sign or something. I felt the need to lounge forward and hold onto him for dear life, but I knew that I'd have to let go…eventually.

"Meredith?" my name rolled off his tongue and I bolted up to contain myself control.

"I have surgery."

"Meredith." He said a little more firmly as he grabbed my hand.

I pulled it away "I have surgery." I gulped "With your sister."

He nodded and didn't say anything, I turned around and rushed out the stairwell and down the hall towards the OR, I pulled my scrub cap on and entered just as Dr. Gray was scrubbing in, she looked up at me and I could tell she noticed my red puffy eyes, but was grateful that she looked away and smiled.

"Are you ready to cut Dr. Grey?" she asked. "It's a big day for you."

"Yes." I mumbled as I started to scrub in.

"You know what I love about surgery?"

"What's that?"

"The clarity it brings." She said, I glanced over to see her smiling at me "I always leave the OR with a clear head, wrongs are righted, and all my problems make sense."

"I get that." I mumbled.

She nodded, and I followed her into the OR.

"Alright everyone, lets save some lives, shall we?"