Chapter XXII

Big Shot

"This never happens when I wear pink!" - Aeris

"Someone will pay for this," Elena said, stepping beside Aeris, Cait Sith flopping behind. "And I have this dripping Jenova in my arms.

Fluffy leapt from Aeris' arms and scampered into the darkness. Her meows echoed in the basement they found themselves in.

"Damp enough in here. Yecch." Aeris powered a light on her staff. The room came into focus. A supply room? A large one. Cabinets lined two of the walls. Crates and rubbish cluttered the middle. Cait Sith wobbled a rough circle around them. Against the far wall, flanked by a pair of single doors, several cages large enough to sleep in sat empty, save for a wadded and soiled cloth in the last one.

"Hey. Jenova compass." Elena shook John to make him murmur. "Which door do we take?"

In response he rolled over in her arms and threw up. Fluffy scurried away with a hiss.

"Nasty. But thank you for not doing that down my chest."

"I have the same feeling about this place," Aeris said.

"What on earth did you eat, kid? Pickled worms?"

John moaned and burped another dollop onto the floor, spattering flecks of tan on Elena's boot.

"Do you have a death wish, kid?"

"Let's try the door on the left." Aeris strode to it, opening it to find an actual room, one with furniture, a weight set, video game machines, a dinette, and wall of shelves filled with trophies. Pictures of Whippy in various poses lined the walls. "I found the man cave."

"He lives in his mom's basement. Figures."

"I need to see this." Cait Sith shoved his way past Elena, jostling her so she nearly dropped John. "Aye, standard fare. Swamp Invaders, Wutai Assault, Shinra Buggy Race, and, Polybius? Never heard of that one."

"Kid, can you throw up on that marshmallow cat? Or did you waste all your spew on my boots?"

"Shall we go upstairs?" Aeris opened a double door to a staircase wide enough for a marching band. Fluffy shot up ahead like a white streak. "Maybe his mother knows where he's hiding out."

"Aye, lassies!" The moogle bounced up and out of sight.

"Hey Jenova," Elena said. "The wind-up toy needs another accent adjustment."

Aeris made to follow Cait but found stopped short with a wave of déjà vu as she found herself in the same parlor as their vision. The coffee table still gleamed from its tight grained surface, though the host had swapped out the stained-glass lamps, perhaps to coordinate with the season. The opposing fainting couches looked the same, one green and one pink. A round throw pillow perched in the seat of each chaise. The recliner across the room looked leather but she didn't want to guess what type of creature had given up its skin for the cause.

"We've been here before," Elena said, dropping John onto the pink couch. Her umbrella slipped loose and rolled across the floor, but before she could retrieve it, the gold haired matron of the house swept into the room. She wore a gossamer, gold embossed white gown hanging low off one shoulder. She stopped with an intake of breath.

"Explain yourselves!"

"You are, Crimson, I presume?" Aeris said.

"Krymzin Ambrose, if you please."

Elena said, "Must be Bad Spelling Day."

"Who let you in the servants' entrance? And, what is that, on my authentic Wutai Silkwood chaise?"

"Hi," said John, wiping his face. "I am John, a Jenova. Are you scared?"

"Are you my son's guests? He mustn't keep letting strays in here. I've told him hundreds of times. Get off; get off my Wutai Silkwood chaise." A pair of maintenance droids rolled in, whisking and dusting.

"Hey!" Elena shouted, when one of them rolled over her foot.

John lifted an arm to rise but gave up and dropped it.

"You didn't come out of the basement, did you?" Krymzin's eyes grew round.

"In a matter of speaking."

"Did my dear boy forget to feed you?"

Aeris said, "About your son, Ms. Ambrose. We need - "

"Your Ladyship to you, street rat."

Aeris tried to compose a thought but Krymzin went on. "Some of my dear son's guests wander out all glassy-eyed muttering about worms and stars and one even managed to drown herself in our pool. You can't imagine the hassle of fishing a dead body out of my dear son's pool."

"I, really, no. I can't. Imagine that."

"And the media. Will they ever stop tormenting him? He is such a good kid. Why don't they pester my crazy freak of a cousin!"

"Cousin. You mean Carmine?"

"Oh no. Not her. She's a freak too, but at least she didn't reject an opportunity to attend Gold River Academy. But Cerise. She makes a mockery of the family. Throwing it all away to race those giant chickens and chase barmaids? Now. Do get this, waif, off my chaise. That's a good girl."

"So, chasing barmaids and racing chocobos sullies your family's image, but torturing young women doesn't?"

"How dare you impugn my son with those vile rumors. He came home so upset this morning he had to go straight into meditation. You wouldn't want to cause him to lose a swim meet, would you?"

"See this pinky?" John said. "The tip represents how much she cares about your son's swim meet."

"You! I bet you can't even swim."

"I can dog-paddle. And I do it without torturing anyone. At least, who doesn't deserve it."

"My dear son does not speak to working class commoners." Krymzin shook a silver bell that chimed like a song sparrow. "Boris. Boris? Do be a gentleman and take out this rubbish?"

"Pick a card, any card, laddie," came a voice in another room. "Ach. The Ace of Wands, reversed? Bad luck for you." Thump. Groan.

"Boris? Are you playing that silly card game again? You should learn something civilized, like Triple Triad."

"Meow?" Fluffy jumped onto the end of the recliner, testing its leather with her claws.

"What, is that horrid beast!"

"Your worst nightmare," John said with a shudder.

Aeris stepped forward. "You've known all along. Haven't you? About your son's crimes?"

"What crimes? He brings fans home sometimes. It's a privilege to visit these grounds, though we do have to hose some of them off first."

"Steroids," John said.

"What is your waif talking about?"

"Your son takes steroids," John said. "He lusts after girls but, try as he might, he can't perform. Of course he blames them for it." John again struggled to sit up. Fluffy gave a cheering up meow. After listing both directions, he managed to keep his body vertical.

"You're right." Elena's face lit up. "Whippy loads himself up so much to blow away the competition that he gives himself . . . necro-impotence."

"How dare you tell filthy lies about my son!"

"I don't bother with lies," John said. "The truth is usually weirder. Like you being alive."

"You babble nonsense."

"You don't keep up on current events, do you? I saved Aeris from Sephiroth, but that caused your cousin Scarlet to die early. In other words, too early to assassinate you. Which makes your serial killer son my fault too." He slumped back down in the chaise.

"Me? Why would Scarlet (may the Lifestream rest her soul) murder me? Carmine, sure. Everyone hates Carmine. But me?"

"She was aiming for Carmine but got you in a two-for-one deal. After all, you were her rival. Because Scarlet, like you, had an affair with your son's bio father. Gya-ha-ha."

Elena snorted out a laugh. "Heidegger? Ha! No wonder Whippy can't perform."

"Boris!" Krymzin rang the bell as her face flushed to match her name. "Derrick! Send Boris in here right now!"

"Pick a card, any card, laddie."

"Oof!" Thump. Moan.

"The Star. You cannae help but see stars."

"Your Ladyship," said a heavily accented cadaver emerging from a doorway. "You have guests."

"No really, Sinclair. They are muddying up the furniture. I would like you to escort them out the servants' entrance, since no one else seems up for the job."

"I refer not these guests, your Ladyship. I refer to the fine crew assembled on your south veranda."

"Send them away too. I need to get this room steam cleaned before the next soirée."

"I fear they are most insistent, your Ladyship. They wish to return your husband's Hardy Daytona bike, and they would appreciate transportation back to Gongaga as recompense."

"Do I have to tell you everything? Take the silly bike and send them away. The walk will do them good."

"I proposed that initially but it seems they declined my offer. When I insisted your Ladyship does not offer rides to common thieves, one of them ate my mastered Seal materia."

"What do you mean, ate?"

"Swallowed it whole, your Ladyship. I watched it go down the young lady's throat. For a brief second, I believed she had acquired an Adam's Apple."

"Sinclair. What possessed you to offer her your materia, of all things? Have you never heard of hors d'oeuvres?"

"To be precise, it was your materia, your Ladyship."

"You, fed her, my materia?"

"To be fair, your Ladyship, she attempted to snatch your Ultima materia off its cane, so I judged the sacrifice to be worth it." He held out a silver cane, a green orb glistening on its head. Krymzin snatched it.

"I ought to beat you with this."

"I would prefer you didn't, as it would hinder my ability to serve tea and finger sandwiches. Which you ordered? Shall I serve them to your current guests as well? Or just the new guests?"

"These are not my guests. And they are not my guests. I want you to find Boris and Derrick and ask them if they could interrupt their card game long enough to perform their duties!"

"As you wish, your Ladyship, but I would not advise leaving our front door guests unattended, lest they continue to consume the shrubbery. I know how much your Ladyship loves the shrubbery."

"Fenric will handle them, as it appears that you can't." The bell again. "Fenric! Will you shoo the interlopers from the grounds? Preferably before they consume any shrubbery?"

"Pick a card, any card, laddie."

"Oh. No, oh my God, no! Arrrrgh!" Thump.

"Aye, the reversed Chariot. Jostles you every time."

"Oh, I suppose I will have to deal with them myself. Sinclair? For once in your life, do something useful!" Krymzin blew out of the room, her gown sailing on the air like a storm front.

"She lightens her skin with arsenic," John said, glancing at his own translucent hands. "I never thought anyone would want to look like me."

Elena said, "Anyone see my umbrella? Did those annoying droids take it?"

Sinclair cleared his throat. "I don't suppose you would mind some tea and finger sandwiches, as the kitchen staff has gone to all the trouble to prepare them?"

"They don't have actual fingers in them, do they?" Aeris said.

"Ah, no, your Ladyship. I assure you they do not."

"Call me Aeris."

"The Cetra. Indeed, I've heard much about you."

"In fact, you can do us a favor." She accompanied Sinclair from the room. In a nearby parlor, they found a man in livery slumped against the wall, a blue welt bulging on his forehead.

"Oh Cait Sith. You do go overboard with that new limit break of yours." She bowed her head and let her Healing Wind flow before she realized she needed the effects herself. She caught herself against the wall before helping the servant rise.

"Boris," Sinclair said, "You had best clean those blood smears off the wallpaper. You know how her Ladyship feels about her fine wall coverings."

Boris groaned and headed for the kitchen.

"Sinclair. Is Whippy-err, Wilhelm-really on the estate right now?"

"I am not at liberty to say, though if I were to lead you to the third deck balcony, it might be possible to glimpse his Excellency's fine pool where he has been known to, meditate? If you could follow me?"

They walked through several rooms which could pass for museum exhibits, up two flights of stairs, and out through sliding doors onto a crenelated, corner balcony adorned in flowering vines. Aeris had to give Krymzin credit for her interior decorating skills, though she doubted the Lady did anything as much as pluck a wilted petal as actual work.

"I believe you can catch a glimpse of the pool from here. Now if you will excuse me, I need to deliver those finger sandwiches. Her Ladyship insists I arrange them just so."

Aeris moved to the edge and peered out. Sure enough, the length of the pool stretched across a nearby section of the grounds. And swimming the crawl stroke from end to end, a masculine figure eeled through the water like a shark chasing chum. Whatever drugs he did take, they did not hurt his swimming prowess.

"An easy shot from here."

Aeris yelped and spun around. "Vincent? What - how did you - "

"I took a glider from the Highwind." His red and black cape floated around him and he drifted to her side. "I saw the others arrive. Including Barret on a pink scooter. Don't ask."

"Who are those two men down there? In beach chairs at the end of the pool?"

Vincent paused. "Whippy's lawyers. That does complicate things."

Aeris glanced at Vincent's rifle. "You plan to just, shoot him?"

"Or perhaps a lawyer."

Aeris paused. "Is that a joke?""

Vincent shrugged. "As a Turk, I could have done it, but even then I would only get one good shot. While bagging a lawyer might feel good, our quarry would flee. Alternately, if I took him out, I face a long life in prison. Not to mention the paperwork." Vincent leaned his rifle in a crook of the wall and studied the scene below. Whippy reached the far end of the pool and began his return trip.

"I can't believe we are standing here talking about, sniping."

"You could go down there and challenge him directly. If they attacked you, I might get off two shots. Although, we now know Whippy himself is mako enhanced."

"He's enhanced, all right. What's that thing leaning against the deck table? A glowing hammer?"

"That, is a bigger problem than even our swimmer friend. Thanks to Yuffie."

"Yuffie? Did you find her?"

"She escaped from him on her own, though with a serious injury."

"Do you have her? I need to talk to her."

"No. She is with your Cetra friends in the Village. We judged it her best chance at survival."

Aeris wiped a tear from her face. "Poor kid. She drives us all crazy at times but no one deserves what happened to her." She sniffed. "I had better get downstairs. Elena may need my help. Speaking of people who drive me crazy." She felt herself blush.

"Wait. Do you see, that?"

Aeris ran back to the railing. "See what? Magic hammer, two guys in beach chairs, Whippy swimming."

Vincent handed her a spyglass. "That sack. Next to the nearest Lawyer."

"His legal briefs?"

Aeris scanned the pool edge until she spotted a burlap sack. Something bulky lay within, about the size of a large dog, though with extra limbs. Except, under it. Sticking out. A foot? A child's bare foot?

"Is that - "

"Can't tell from here. But the right size for Marlene. Whippy must be mad he lost Yuffie."

"No way. I left her with Zinnia. She wouldn't have - " Aeris looked again. "Could be a trick of the light. They wouldn't just carry a body in a bag in broad daylight."

"They are lawyers."

"Come on Vincent. The Cosmo elders are lawyers too. Nanaki might as well be."

Vincent looked through the scope again. "You must tell the others. If Whippy has Marlene, or even another child, we must act quickly."

"Can you call the Highwind and confirm? I lost my phone in saltwater."

Vincent pulled out his phone and stared at it. "No charge."

Aeris wanted to scream but settled for drumming her fingers on the railing.

"I will keep watch and investigate. You get help."

"Wait. Is that Barret I see down there?"

"Touch me again, wire-brain, and I'll bust your head right off." Barret shoved the cranky droid, top hat and all, into the blood rose hedge. While the others in his group tried their luck talking their way past butlers and armed robotic bellboys, he had headed straight to the servant's entrance, where this walking chassis had requested he return to Gongaga to acquire an access permit.

He couldn't exactly shoot the thing. Tifa would not approve of his lack of subtlety.

"A more professional attitude please," said the droid, righting itself and readjusting its hat. "You will never make head butler that way. You will barely achieve the title of bootblack."

"I'll blacken my damn boots on you any day."

"Barret," said a woman's voice behind him. "You need to say the magic word."

"You mean 'please'? I already tried that."

Violet stepped up to the droid and reached behind its neck. With a click, the valet went limp. "Trouble with these butler-bots. While you don't have to pay them, they make lousy security against anyone who knows how to turn them off."

"Is that some kind of Jenova trick?"

"Her cousin uses the same model. Though mainly, I hear, to polish the chrome in her lab."

"Are you gonna let me in the damn house or not?"

Violet shrugged, but opened the door with the droid's key. "Do you anticipate inflicting any pain?"

"Plenty, if anyone gets between me and that Whippy."

"I will follow then. I am hungry."

"I can't believe Carmine is still alive."

"Many of her enemies have said that, just before dying in pain."

"What is it with you and pain? You're a smart girl. Can't you collect stamps instead?"

Hearing no answer, he stepped through the door. Barret marched past the staff, cutting through the kitchen, dodging a couple of swung pans on his way, until he found the dining room where he caught a walking cadaver of a butler, mid-lecture on the proper placement of salad forks.

"Hey. Are you another zombie?"

"Indeed," said the suited corpse. "An unorthodox question from an intruder, but alas, her Ladyship could not part with my services, so death was not an option." He turned his blue eyes on Barret. "Mako enhancement at my advanced age assured I may well live another hundred years yet. Not a common trait at age ninety-six."

"Oh hell. She mako-enhanced you at age ninety-six?"

"Ninety-three, to be precise. But the bones are no longer brittle and the teeth no longer soft. All told, remember the Granny Weatherwax rule of witchcraft. It won't keep you young forever, but it may keep you old longer."

"Who is - never mind. Can you tell me where Whippy Ambrose is hiding out?"

"You refer to his excellency Wilhelm Malcolm Everard Ambrose the Third?"

"Nothin' excellent about that twerp. Wait. The third? Isn't his father named Spencer?"

"Indeed, Spencer Ambrose. The 'third' refers to birth order, not generation. Rumor has it her Ladyship drowned the first two babies in the koi pond because they had the bad sense to come out as girls."

Barret stumbled, at a loss for words.

"At ease, sir; given his excellency's penchant for spreading rumors and given his father's unfortunate inability to sire offspring, one can consider the odds. Then again, we are talking her Ladyship, if you catch my drift."

"I, don't want to catch your drift. Hold up. Did I just hear Tifa in the other room?"

"Miss Tifa Lockhart was allowed to enter the drawing room as guest, though her escort remains confined to the entry parlor, owing to the wayward cat on a stuffed moogle pummeling the staff into unconsciousness."

"Right. Can you take me to Tifa, please?"

"With all due respect, you must first present your request to her Ladyship in person - " The butler cut off when an out of breath Aeris bounded down a nearby staircase and into their room.

"Barret! Thank goodness I found you. We think, we think Whippy may have Marlene."

"You think a velvet rope will hold us back after we came all this way to speak with your son?" Tifa rubbed her gloved fist. "You're lucky I'm still in a good mood."

"You barbarians lack any kind of social graces. You bust in here waving that barbarian sword around and hurt my poor doormen, and you have the insolence to complain?"

"Doormen? You mean those metal walking sticks? You're lucky I saved them from Cloud's new sword. He would have diced them like carrots."

"Apocalypse blade," Cloud said, grinning wide. "Just not as fast as Tifa's fist."

Indeed, when Krymzin had set those skinny droids on them, before Cloud could even draw his sword, Tifa had jumped forward and punched each droid square in the blank face. Their necks had bent back ninety degrees, causing them to walk in circles, staring at the ceiling.

"Dear cousin," Carmine said, floating behind. "You always overdo the etiquette, just that extra bit. Comes from having your staff even do your eye makeup."

"Oh. It's you. Riding a trash can lid. How far you have fallen."

"All due to your generosity, dear sister-cousin."

"I wish you wouldn't call me that. It sounds so, gutter trash."

Carmine smiled in response. "Exactly."

Tifa halted as she entered the parlor, the overdose of glitz throwing off her gait. She spotted Elena, dressed like a schoolgirl in a tablecloth and looking as if she had just escaped a keel-hauling by gnawing through the ropes with her teeth.

"Elena. You look, bedraggled. But in a dignified way. Are you here to make an arrest?"

"I wish. For now, I seem to have misplaced a half-Cetra pest. Have you seen her around, perchance? Usually wears pink but today she dressed like me? Don't ask."

"Aeris? Haven't seen her. Hey, John. Where did they find you?"

"He was sitting under a tree trying to dissolve in the rain," Elena said. "Hey kid. World is still a mess. You might as well go back to singing."

"Tifa." John said, sitting forward. "I found something for you." He dug around in his overalls pocket. John froze as Carmine entered. "Wow. The other shoe drops."

"That's the best you can manage?" Carmine sailed in and hovered above the leather chaise. Fluffy - Tifa would recognize that cat anywhere - yowled and shot out of the room. "I'm only carrying two materia this time, pesky kid, so don't try blasting me with your - whatever you hit me with last time."

"No," John said. "I just, wondered; what price I would pay for, helping Tifa. Looks like I got you back as the rest of the deal. Most of you, at any rate."

"Again with the lame jokes? But we're in luck, you see? I'm about to get a brand-new pair of lovely legs. From my dear sister-cousin."

Tifa stopped mid-eyeroll and glanced at Krymzin, who turned close to that shade of red. "I think that's a brilliant plan." Tifa grinned.

"Wait," John said, drifting his finger between Carmine and her. "You two, are pals now?"

"In a manner of speaking."

"We did take a shower together but we're not going steady or anything," Carmine said, bobbing her disc.

Tifa's face grew hot. She glanced at Cloud, who looked as if he would prefer mucking out chocobo stalls to this room right now. "Ahem. You said you have something for me?"

"Yes." Hand back in his overalls, coming up with a yellow materia under patches of moss. "Not this one. Sorry." He rooted around some more. "Got it." He handed her a green orb. "Makeover materia."

"Say what?"

"Try it. Unless you want me to use it on you. Which I never recommend."

Tifa frowned at the orb, but slotted it into her Powersoul glove. Powering her energy through it, she felt a warm tingling all over her body, along with the scent of peaches and carnations (her mother's favorite fragrance). Tifa ran her now moisturized fingers through equally clean strands of her gloriously untangled hair. She opened her mouth to speak but Carmine cut in.

"Wow, kid. The power of your magic even tops that of your fabled Mist materia."

Tifa glanced at her ungloved hand. "It also painted my nails."

"Just think. If you could have used that to pacify Sephiroth. You know it was his split ends that drove him mad, right?"

"Now that you've all amused yourselves," Krymzin said, "Can you something useful with that bobble? Like, clean my poor Wutai silkwood chaise?"

"Your fainting couch? Fine" Tifa aimed her glove at John and fired the magic. The kid yelped and leapt to his feet, patting his chest as if to ensure he hadn't lost any vital organs. "I guess so. Sorry kid, but you needed a bath. Trust me. Oh, Elena? Here's one for you too."

"Thanks!" Elena gave Tifa a hug. "Would have been nice to use this earlier, eh kid?"

The kid shrugged and pointed at Carmine. "Why do you have a dead girl wrapped around you?" He walked over to the hovering disc, peeked underneath and then back at the pair. Priscilla moved an arm down and turned to face him. "Whoa! Correction. You have a blind zombie girl with you." He took Priscilla's hand and stared into her face.

"Careful, kid. She's the only thing stopping me from wringing my sister-cousin's neck."

"I suppose you could reconcile with your cousin like you did with Tifa. I still can't believe you pulled that off."

Carmine began to answer when the Violet twins walked into the room.

Krymzin began to quiver. "Who let you two tramps in my house?"

"Your robot butler was quite kind to lend me his key," said Jenova Violet. "Did you know you have a bellhop lying in your drawing room with an awful bump on his head? I could feel his pain all the way from the dining room."

"What, did, you do to him?"

"Me? Merely existed. Nothing like what you had done to your cousin. Delicious, powerful waves of exquisite pain."

"I wouldn't quite use those adjectives," Carmine said. "But that cuts to the gist of it."

"You've always been a crybaby," Krymzin said. "Remember when our Mommy had to take the willow switch to you once a month just to toughen you up?"

"Mommy Dearest." Carmine bobbed closer to her cousin. "But I also remember the next day, when my legs were all hot and inflamed, you tying me to my bed and taking the switch to me again."

"You're making that up. Just because you don't want to admit you sobbed into your pillow all night long."

Tifa flexed her fist, but clamped down on the desire to give Krymzin a taste of her own treatment. "I'll save it for your son," she muttered.

"Excuse me? What are you babbling about?"

"I just wanted to dance," said Tifa's Violet.

"This again?" said Carmine. "Can I make my sister-cousin into whatever undead you are? Because nothing would suit her better than relive the moment of her death, over and over again, my thumbs pressing into her throat, her dainty hands fluttering like butterflies in a cobweb, her ruby lipped mouth gaping like a hooked fish, every cell desperate to breathe. Then when she goes limp, I'd let just enough air in to allow her to wake up, and start the whole thing again." She sighed. "But my thumbs cramp up too easily."

Tifa watched Cloud rubbing his forehead, as if wondering whom to behead first.

Carmine cracked her knuckles. Krymzin backed away.

"No fighting," Priscilla said, shuddering as she held on.

"Oh come on, peace zombie. Just this once?"

"About your son, Ms. Spencer?" Cloud said.

"What about him! Everyone torments him!"

"I just wanted to dance. All I wanted."

"You know? That's even getting on my nerves," said Blue Violet.

"I have a solution," said John, though everyone ignored him.

"Stop picking on my poor son! All of you! Out of my house now!"

"Whoa," Tifa said, backing up when he saw John glowing yellow from the materia he held. "Oh no. That isn't . . . "

"Like ham and eggs, you belong together. Meld."

Carmine shot out of the way as if her floating lid had caught fire. She bumped Krymzin, who staggered and nearly fell.

"That was not an accident," Priscilla scolded.

"What are you doing!" said Jenova Violet, as yellow energy wrapped her and her revenant twin. "No, you can't, not with the Destroyer, no . . . "

The energy brightened and snapped, cutting off Violet's screams until with a thunderclap, the tawny teen girl in blue collapsed in an unconscious heap. Cloud lifted her and lay her on the green chaise, opposite where John had lain.

"No! My green chaise!"

"Come on. I cleaned the other one," Tifa said.

"Oh Priscilla, please," Carmine said. "Can I shut off that infernal whining? I promise not to kill her. Yet. And you." She pointed to John. "No big ideas of sticking me on my whiny cousin. Though if Cloud could remove her legs, can you stick them on me?"

"The spell needs both a dead body and a live one. Preferably the a copy of the same body. Which should be much harder than it sounds. And no, you can't glue on people's severed limbs. Any more than you could attach a side of beef."

"Pity."

"I'm out of energy anyway." He approached her disc, spinning it around until he could face Priscilla's eyeless face, his mouth forming words without sound. After a minute, his hand gripping the disc began to shake.

"Wait. Are you having a seizure?"

John let go and staggered back, his nose bleeding down to his chin. "Third shelf," he said in a monotone voice. "Second from the right. Use the basement door not taken."

Krymzin gasped. "Don't you dare bleed on my garula shag rug."

Tifa shot John with a Cure spell and passed a handkerchief into his trembling hands.

"You need to look now. I saw it. I saw them all."

"Saw what?" Tifa caught him when he began to sway. "Cloud? A little help here?"

"Sinclair!" Krymzin rang a bell loud enough to direct an orchestra. "Come and dispose of this trash once and for all, if you please?" She silenced the bell, though Tifa's ears kept ringing. "And you, dear cousin. After you deposit that zombie in the rubbish bin. You and I will have a little discussion."

"No fighting," Priscilla said.

Cloud hefted John over his shoulder. Tifa dosed him with the Makeover materia, and to her delight, it spiked Cloud's hair right back up. It even polished his shoulder guard bright as chrome.

"Whoa, Teef!"

"The code is 87372717," John said. "As long as you get there now."

Krymzin reached for him but drew her hand back in horror. "No. No. Not my dear son. And you, dear cousin. You brought that lying tramp in here to accuse my darling boy of such terrible things? What kind of creature have you become!"

Elena seized Tifa's elbow. "Come with me. I just realize I know what the kid means."

As arguments began to rage in the room behind her, Tifa allowed Elena to lead her down a double stairway to a basement game room, then though a hidden panel into an underground storeroom.

"We came in that way. Nothing but Jenova vomit over there. But look. Here's the other door."

Tifa went to it, found no knob, but slid back a panel cover to find a keypad. She punched in John's code. With a beep the door slid aside.

Inside, they found a supply closet. On one side, a set of shelves held all manner of metal gadgets, including surgery equipment. Tifa's stomach curdled.

"I don't like the looks of this." Elena turned to the opposite wall, drawing back an accordion door. She gagged and staggered into Tifa.

In the dusty light, Tifa could make out the outlines of rows of jars. And from the third shelf, the second jar from the right, floating in an amber liquid, Priscilla's eyes stared back at her.

Barret's howl made a room full of servants dive for cover. Aeris latched onto his gun arm before he could spray the room with bullets. Or whatever he had loaded in there today.

"You can't do this. It won't help her at all!"

"Marlene!"

"We don't know if it's Marlene. We saw a burlap sack, and - "

"I'll kill the goddamn tapeworm!"

Another scream sounded from across the mansion, as if echoing from a limestone cave. Barret froze, shook Aeris from his arm, and said, "Tifa? Was that, you?"

"Tifa doesn't scream. People she clobbers do the screaming."

"I must insist," said the butler Sinclair. "You all keep your voices down. You are frightening the staff."

"Oh I'll frighten them more than you've ever dreamed, old man - "

"Barret!" Aeris wagged her finger. "We don't have time for this." She cringed as the woman screamed again. "Wait. That's Elena."

"Tifa! Barret yelled and took off. Aeris followed at a trot, feet slipping on the polished floor, the old butler keeping pace. Another corner, a hallway, another turn, and she barely avoided skidding into Cloud at the top of the basement stairs.

"What's going on?" Cloud said. "Was that you, Barret?"

Elena and Tifa appeared below. "Aeris!" Tifa said. "I saw them! It was horrible!"

"Saw what?"

Cloud bolted down the stairs. Tifa helped Elena, too wobbly to climb the stairs on her own. Aeris met them half way.

"Stay here. I'll be back." Tifa fled back down after Cloud.

"I saw her eyes," Elena said. "Staring at me. From that jar."

"What the hell!" Barret looked ready to smash through the nearest wall. "And he has Marlene?"

"Barret. I'm not sure, because - Whoa. Carmine?" Aeris stared.

"Oh yea. Her. Back from the dead. With an actual zombie."

"Always with the drama, Gun Show," Carmine said. "I see you've located my crazy nephew's trophy case? Fear not. You won't find your daughter in there."

From below, Cloud let out a howl of disgust.

"You do make an entertaining team. If you plan to catch Whippy before he portals off to Zem-Zem knows where, you all had best get down to the pool, hadn't you?"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you, Barret." Aeris gripped her staff so hard her knuckles stood out like a small mountain range. "We know where he is. Right now. So if we - Tifa! Come back up here! We need to - "

"You will do no such thing!" Krymzin drifted in, followed by Sinclair who wore a painter's smock over which he had drooped a limp John. "You get that cursed, bleeding Jenova thing outside and take that, undead creature," (pointing at Priscilla) "who accused my son of such horrible things, right out to the compost bin."

"So tell me," Elena said. "How exactly did Priscilla's eyes end up in your son's basement?"

"Lies. All lies. Get out!"

Cloud and Tifa mounted the stairs. Cloud marched up and slapped a jar into Krymzin's hand. "Explain this."

"How could you!" Krymzin shuddered, her eyes beginning to glow. Oh-oh; Aeris knew that mako glow.

"Tifa." Aeris grabbed the martial artist by the elbow and led her around Barret. "As soon as the fight starts, follow me out the back. You too, Barret."

Cloud drew his sword. Krymzin now glowed white, magic pouring off the end of her cane. The air grew tight, as if wrapped in cellophane.

"No. Fighting." Priscilla's hand stretched out, plucking the shining materia off Krymzin's staff.

"Hey! You give that back!"

"No. Fighting!"

The air in the room seemed to pop. As if released from a trance, Tifa, Barret, and Aeris raced out of the room. Sounds of a scuffle followed them; apparently Priscilla couldn't contain all the violence, though Aeris did not hear any weapons clashing.

Back through the kitchen. The staff stood aside as the chef let out a sigh. "I've killed for offenses less than this."

"The Planet blesses you." Aeris blew him a kiss. He opened his mouth but apparently noticed Barret leveling his gun at him.

"Tell Krymzin we went out for pizza!" Barret said as they fled out the back.

Aeris opened the back door and led them outside. A motionless droid lay sprawled upon the gravel. "I see you've been at work."

"Violet did it."

"Shh." They crept out across the upper yard, crouching behind a manicured hedge, trying to catch glimpses of the pool below. Aeris could hear men's voices, along with an occasional splash of water. "Too bad John didn't give you some sort of Stealth materia. Even his Mist materia would have helped."

"A ball of mist rolling down the hill? Wouldn't look odd at all," Tifa said.

Barret whispered, "Can we get on with this? He has my daughter, damn it."

"We still don't know if he has her." Aeris looked back up at the manor. Tifa followed her gaze.

"Is that, Vincent? On that balcony?"

"Yea. He can back us up. Hey. Do you have a saw attachment for your arm? One that won't make any noise?" Aeris pulled on a frond of broom flower, the dark green of its foliage forming a dense mat underneath the brilliant blossoms.

"You're kidding, right?" He produced a pair of mini-loppers. They snipped with a metallic click.

"I'm the flower girl, remember? Now, snip here, here, and here."

When they reached the end of the hedge, Aeris peeked around and spotted a shaded path running beneath a spray of willow boughs, far enough back from the main stone steps to mask their approach. At least she hoped. She glanced up at the manor house, at that upper balcony to catch sight of Vincent-if he still lurked up there.

"I feel ridiculous," Tifa whispered. "And these fronds make my skin itch."

"You're gonna owe me for this, flower girl." Barret held an oversized bush to hide his hulking form. They moved single file beneath the tree, stepping down rocks to lower terraces in the garden, freezing in place when they heard voices or sensed movement. Aeris, moving on point, peered around her greens and spotted the two lawyers in their beach chairs, carrying on a discussion until Whippy appeared below them, pulling himself from the pool. The glowing hammer stood on its head between them.

Aeris signaled the others to freeze. "Tifa," she whispered. "Hide your legs." Tifa jerked her fronds down with a swish.

"Huh?" said nearest lawyer. "You hear something?"

"Just my muscles flexing," Whippy said. "Wanna see? I swam from here to there, bruh."

"Have you finally finished with your morning meditation? You didn't need to prove anything with those last thirty laps."

"Maybe I'll do another thirty laps. Helps me think, ya know?"

"I don't see why we have to waste our time sitting here."

"Because I pay you, bruh. You need to witness. The act of a legend, the future head of Shinra."

"If only Rufus held a swim-off at his board meetings. You could dive right in."

"You getting smart with me, paper pusher? Don't ever forget who pays you." Splash. In he went for another lap. Or thirty.

"The same person who puts a basement ceiling over your head, bruh," said the man who hadn't yet spoken. Blaze, Aeris recalled.

"This humidity is hell on my hair." She could see why Barret called him Slick. "Hey Blaze. Check the monitor. See if those nut cases are sneaking up on us again."

Through the fronds, Aeris caught fragments of movement; Blaze fumbled under his chair for something, knocking it clattering across the cement. Sliding her hand down her staff, she located the Time materia.

"Aeris!" Tifa whispered but held still.

"Get ready to distract Slick."

"That's not the plan."

"Hey Blaze." Slick slid. "You just plan to stare at that thing or read it?"

Aeris ran forward and stopped, bush quivering. Slick turned around and laughed.

"Oh really? You actually tried that trick?" He stepped over by the glowing, white hammer. "Come out, little girl. You're playing with the big boys now."

"The hell with this!" Barret broke cover and shot out his grappling hook. He barely missed the hammer but snagged Slick's beach chair, dragging it toward the redberry hedge, shattering Slick's drink glass against the cobbles.

Aeris darted to the side, still clutching her shrubbery, eyes on Whippy's splashing form returning in the pool. A flame dart flew from Tifa's shrub, bouncing off the hammer handle and sparking in three dying trails.

"Ouch!" Slick shook his hands after trying to seize the handle.

"No way is your name Smith!" Barret said, trying to wrench his grapple free of the tangled chair.

Blaze began to move, knocking over his own drink. "I think someone's here, boss."

"Wow. You'll make partner in no time with those observation skills." Slick cast a protection spell of sorts, surrounding himself in a gray oval. He pulled out a pistol and fired in Barret's direction, bouncing off Barret's Barrier spell. (Good work Tifa, Aeris thought.) He fired again, racing for his lumpy canvas bag.

Aeris triggered the red Kjata materia on her staff. Barret finally yanked his grapple free of the broken chair. Whippy stepped up out of the pool like a marble god, only to meet a charging bull square in the chest. He cried out, as did Blaze, who leapt into the pool to avoid the bull's snort of fire. Smith tried to dodge the followup blast of ice, sprawling spread-eagle on the cobbles for his effort. The Kjata summon then nailed Whippy in the chest with a jolt of lightning.

Whippy stumbled back but snagged his hammer in time to prevent a fall. Blaze ducked below the surface with a "better you than me" look.

"Well, that was a lot of bull," Slick said, bracing on his chair to rise.

Aeris re-materialized, staff at the ready, but backed away as Whippy stepped forward, mid-hammer swing. Better to dodge than parry, she thought.

Whippy took another swing, only to stagger as Tifa kicked and chopped at his side, letting out a war whoop. He tried a lopsided shot at her feet but she somersaulted away. Aeris tested his blind side with a staff strike but he shrugged off the blow.

Barret fired a stream at the pool, keeping Smith flat on the cobbles and Blaze below the surface.

"Where! Is my daughter!" Bullets bounced off Whippy's barrier.

"You mean that little brat who kicked me while I was down?" Whippy giggled like a preschooler. "How am I supposed to keep track of your whelp? Dispense with these pests, won't you, Smith? What am I paying you for?"

Slick pawed at the bag he still couldn't get open. Tifa fired off a spell of - Aeris couldn't figure out what. It made him howl and thrash about on the ground though. Tifa kicked Whippy in the side before leaping out of reach.

"What did you do to me?" Slick stood back up on shaky legs. "You, you shaved my legs?" He ran his hands up and down his smooth skin. "And you painted my nails?"

"Oops. Wrong materia."

Aeris broke into giggles, struggling to focus on her opponent. Blaze, for his part, flung himself out of downhill side of the pool, leaping a redberry hedge and hiding behind a pumice retaining wall.

"And my hair!" Slick pawed at his new feathered mullet. "I can't go into court looking like this!"

"For Marlene!" Barret's gun shot an orange ball of fire, striking Whippy full on, shattering his Barrier. Whippy staggered on the edge of the pool, flailing his hammer forward for balance. For some reason, a song by someone that John called "Billy Joel" played through Aeris' head.

"Never liked you." Whippy took another swing at Aeris. She dodged back farther. He rushed onward, forcing her to parry that hammer. The Princess Guard held up, but the impact felt as if it might knock her shoulders from their sockets.

"Lay off her!" Tifa kicked him in the side.

"Oh, I'm saving you for dessert." Whippy returned a kick. Tifa dodged.

"Enough of this." Aeris held her staff forward and whipped out a spray of stars, basking in the yellow glow of protection.

"That's more like it!" Tifa raced in with her series of kicks, somersaults, body slams, and whatever she called that flat-out running punch - "Final Heaven!" - oh yea, that.

Whippy staggered and flung his hammer around blindly. Aeris struck him again, though it felt like tapping a cement truck.

"Mom!" Whippy cried, still flailing with his hammer. "I'll kill you. I'll kill you all!"

"I don't want to hear that talk," Slick said. "I'm your attorney."

"I'll kill you too!"

"I definitely don't want to hear that talk."

"Kill! Kill! Kill!"

"Hey crybaby," Barret said, "where the hell is Marlene?"

"I don't know!" He flung his hammer toward Barret, barely holding onto the handle. It slammed off Aeris' Planet Protector and nearly bounced Whippy off his feet.

"Still compensating, I see," said Carmine, drifting in on her disc. Not only did she have Priscilla sitting behind her, but she had also slung a new child over her shoulder.

"Wait," Aeris said. "Why do you have - "

"What do you want, half-Aunt?"

"Now that's just rude, nephew. Did it take you all week to come up with that one, ham brain?"

Whippy shot a Bolt at Aeris. Her protection absorbed it, if barely.

"You really go for the schoolgirl type. Don't you, nephew?"

A flurry of firebolts swarmed toward Tifa. Aeris tried a Silence spell on Whippy but it fizzled.

"You know the dumbest thing about this idiotic kidnapping scheme of yours?"

"Shut up, half-Aunt."

"Let me show you." Carmine pivoted toward Barret, who stood tinkering with something on his gun arm.

"Hey! That ain't Marlene."

"Take a closer look, gimpy," Whippy said.

"Well first of all, that's a boy."

"What? No way."

"You think only girls have long hair, dumbass? Have you seen Sephiroth?"

"Hey Smith. You not only got the wrong girl? You didn't even get a girl?"

"What are you talking about? I don't kidnap little girls for you."

"I'm asking Mom to hire me a new lawyer."

"Your mother is having an existential crisis right now," Carmine said. "Starting with ordering her butler to look up what 'existential' means."

Slick struggled with his burlap bag, tugging on something metal while trying not to display his painted nails.

"Coral blush, huh?" Carmine said. "Do you have another kid in there? I'm reporting you to the bar."

Slick sat in a heap. "My toenails too?" Aeris wondered if he might cry.

"Tifa. Did you hit him with your Makeover materia?" She threw back her head and laughed. "You even plucked his eyebrows!"

"She shaved my legs."

"If you don't want them, I'll take them. I need to grow a pair."

Tifa sighed. "Carmine, you're like a crow looking for eyeballs."

"Hey!" Whippy tried another hammer swing. "I'm still here, you know?"

Barret's grapple shot out and zipped around the hammer handle.

"Oh no you don't!" Whippy jerked on his hammer, nearly dragging Barret into Tifa, but lost his grip when Barret retracted the cable. Aeris had to duck as the hammer whipped out in an arc.

"Lost your toy," Carmine said.

"Come at me, Half-Aunt. You're not so tough without your high heels, are you?"

"I'm busy right now. Not only rescuing your kidnapped kids, but I have your pesky zombie who takes the fight right out of me. Care to tell him your pet phrase?"

"Kill him," said Priscilla.

Carmine started. "Well, I didn't expect that."

"Hell yea." Barret raised his gun but his cable spooled in front of him like spaghetti.

Aeris rushed forward with her staff. "For Elena."

Suddenly, her world exploded in a starburst of green as a rocket blow struck her square in the ribs. Wait - he doesn't even have his hammer, her mind said as she flew backwards. Slick. The lawyer? How did he get Elena's crossbow? And why can't I breathe? Her blue and white checkered dress smoked gray and black. (This never happens when I wear pink!) The sky and grass whirled in a kaleidoscope pattern as she flew toward - oh, please, no thorns! Her Princess Guard slipped from her hands. (I resign as Great Shanandra.) Flashes of Whippy laughing and Tifa punching him. At the last instant she remembered: tuck and roll . . .