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Chapter 20

"When you experience loss, people say you'll move through the 5 stages of grief….

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

….. What they don't tell you is that you'll cycle through them all every day."

― Ranata Suzuki

She woke, finding her surroundings had changed but not into anything unfamiliar. The fact that she was back in her room was the first thing she registered. The second was the golden strands that mingled inside of her.

A blush burned on her face, Mamoru slumped on the floor next to her bed while his connection twisted inside her, healing any and all aches. He had fallen asleep, the sleepless night they had shared showing in his slumbering face even as he sat in an uncomfortable position.

Sitting up, he didn't wake and his energy didn't leave, he was pushing it through her even in his sleep. Like it was second nature to him.

She was still clad in her uniform and it was sticky from the fight. Careful not to wake him, she got off her bed and went to her dresser. Pulling out her clothes, she glanced back at him, unsure of whether she should leave him there and change somewhere else or just change behind his closed eyes.

Hesitating, she listened to the sounds within the apartment. The not so soft sounds of agitated whispers came to her ears, just outside her door. It was a wash of voices, all the people that lived here, and Rei's voice, the most prominent. Given their tone and the bits and pieces she understood, she didn't want to leave this room. Not yet, maybe not ever.

One last quick glance at a slumbering Mamoru and she set her chosen clothes on top of her dresser. With hasty movements, she removed her work clothes, pulling her shirt off and letting her skirt hit the floor before stepping out of it. Only her underwear and bra remained, reaching up for the yoga pants and long-sleeved t-shirt she wanted to wear instead, she froze.

She felt his eyes long before she turned to find them on her. "You're awake." Only able to nod, she watched as his eyes took her in, her whole body catching fire as he did. "Now I know I can't let you stay here, not with you dressing like that."

Somehow, she managed to get the lump out of her throat to speak. "This isn't me dressed."

"I can see that."

"And you are the only one to see it."

He didn't move and she knew he was forcing himself to be still. "And I want it to stay that way. Hence why you should either move in with me or your parents."

Her heart raced in her chest, either thought sounding very inviting, but she just shook her head. "I can't. Not now. Not while the enemy is targeting me personally."

The last of his reserves dried up, jumping to his feet and sweeping her up into his arms. "All the more reason for you to stay with me, where I can protect you."

She felt on fire, in part from her blush that covered her whole body and in part from the emotions that swelled between them. It was all magnified by the energy he kept coiled inside her. "You mean how you protected me today? Trying to get yourself killed the whole time?"

"I would do anything for you."

"Then let go of me."

His face was blank, everything he felt coming through their link, there was no need for him to express himself in any other manner. "I don't… I don't think I can."

To prove his point, he loosened his hold as much as he could, only for it to spring back and hold her tighter. She pressed her hands against his shoulders, wiggling in hopes of gaining her freedom before she acted on any of the thoughts that were currently mirrored in his mind.

"Mamo… you need to let go. Before…."

She let her voice fade out, unable to make herself say it. "Before what, Usako?"

With gentle pressure, his lips molded to hers, slow and tender caresses to her mouth as he held her. What little resistance she had was evaporating. His arms wrapped around her, he kept his hands in a fist, not touching her no matter how much both their minds were screaming for it.

He released her mouth, but only for a second. "I love you, Usako."

He kissed her again, the seconds it took to say her name leaving him with more wanting. She felt his love for her brimming over, hitting her heart, and hers filled with sorrow.

In an instant, he pulled away from her, releasing her till she stood on the ground. Her tears fell with ease down her face, shaking her head in hopes of consoling herself, knowing that no matter how much he loved her it would never be real. His past memories were confusing him.

Releasing her completely, his golden strands leaving her as his arms slinked away from her. With the distance, her sobs came heavily, planting her face in her palms. His apology and guilt rang through her as he backed away from her and out the door.

The voices picked up outside at his arrival, the words "awake" and "alright" and "pissed". Even through the anger that was shifting around outside and the pain she felt from her shattered heart, Mamoru continued to push wave after wave of love and comfort through her. No matter how many times she rejected him, he stuck by her.

Slowly and silently, she dressed and did her best to put on a brave face for what laid beyond her door.

~*O*~

No matter how many times she turned him away, he knew his feelings for her would never change. And he knew she loved him, he could feel it. If not from the love that shone in her eyes when she looked at him when her heart broke when he pushed too far. He needed to get himself under control. Or get her to see the truth, get her memories back.

The memories of the two of them were only making it harder, him wanting to do nothing more than to live the life they had been stolen from them twice now and not waste any more time. But she needed more time.

He could still feel her struggling just inside her room, distracting him from the conversation he was plunged into once he stepped outside. "Is she awake?"

"Is she alright?"

"Can she hurry up? Pyro here is so pissed, I don't want her to set the place on fire by accident."

He looked up, finding Rei seated and glaring at Neph. "Oh don't worry, it won't be an accident."

The Miko had been so angry after saving Usagi, she hadn't said a word as he carried his blonde's limp body back here. He had started flooding her with his energy as soon as the enemy hightailed it out of there, his inability to protect her once again leaving him with a lack for talking anyway.

Rei was fuming when she entered the apartment, finding it filled with the Shitennou. But she was still silent, walking over and sitting in the chair she was in now. He had lost track after that, taking Usagi to her room for her to rest. With his connection to her, the comfort he felt from having her near and safe, and the memory of the kiss she gave him an hour ago caused him to drift off next to her.

Then he felt her quick heartbeat, waking to find her stripping before him and his heart began to race with hers. He temporarily lost himself, going to her and grabbing her up. He never should have touched her, not like that, not now. Not while she still didn't believe that he loved her. So now all he could do was put walls between them and do the best he could to comfort her without touching her.

It was almost a full house, all of them there now save for Zoi and Ami,

"So Mamoru-san? How is she?"

His mouth cracked open, while her door did the same simultaneously. Her eyes to the ground, she glanced up at him from time to time but only for a few seconds. She was still hurting, hurting because of him and it was tearing him apart.

"Well, Usagi? What do you have to say for yourself?"

Her eyes moved from the floor up to Rei, who sat glaring at her. "Say for myself?"

Jumping up, Rei quickly made her way over to his blonde. "Yes! What do you have to say about keeping me in the dark all this time? And Ami?! We have been beside ourselves, Ami wondering what we did to have the three of you put us at a distance!"

"I did it to protect you and I regret nothing."

She said it with such finality, even without their connection he could tell she meant it. If only she knew just how much she was like Serenity at that moment.

"Protect me?! I'm supposed to be protecting you!"

Rei stood before her, hands on her shoulders and she still shook. "Not anymore. I don't want any of you losing your lives for me ever again." Everyone hopped up at that, coming to circle around her voicing their concerns all at once. She silenced them all with a hand. "The enemy targeted me today, specifically. It is no longer safe to even associate with me."

"That is why it is the worst time for you to push us away again, Usagi-chan."

Still the closest to her, even with the others closing in on her, he leaned against the wall behind him. "You need us, Usako. And we need you."

"There is nothing you can do about us now, we will just follow you around and stalk you if we have to."

Minako grinned with her threat, the truth of it hitting Usagi hard as she relented quickly. "Fine. It appears there is nothing I can do to stop any of you."

Rei still stood before her, her arms crossed over her chest. "So, where am I sleeping?"

He glanced over at Jad, who blanched, while Usagi took one of her hands. "You can share my room."

At that, he pushed off the wall, making for the door. "Where are you going?"

The erratic beating of his heart was matched by hers, slowly turning to find her eyes and nothing else. "It's a full house. I'm heading home."

~*O*~

The doors to the arcade buzzed as they opened, the chill of the air conditioning hitting her overheated skin, her sweat lingering for a few moments even in the freezing air. Looking around, she found whom she was looking for in a second, not that she would admit it to herself or anyone that she was in fact seeking him out.

Alone at the counter, as usual, she slowly made her way towards him. His khaki pants and white, collared shirt were the most casually dressed she had ever seen him, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows in an attempt to fight off the heat. His ruffled hair stood up in a few places, causing her to giggle at the sight of his unkemptness. Even with all that, he still managed to look just as cool and calm and collected as always.

But then something shifted, his statue changing and she could both see it and feel it somehow. His calm washed away, turning into a nervousness that had her concerned. As soon as the emotion hit her, he chuckled and then turned on his stool to look right at her.

"Concerned about me, Odango?"

Even though he did it all the time, she never lacked any shock when he was able to read her so well. "Why would I be concerned about a jerk face who doesn't even know my name?!"

"Speaking of not knowing a person's name…"

She put her hands on her hips, leaning over towards him as she barked. "I don't need to know your name because you are a jerk!"

He stood swiftly, nearly causing her to fall backward. "Oh come now, Odango, you and I both know that's not how you really feel."

He was far too close for her liking, his warm breath hitting her face as he spoke. Freeing one hand, she pushed back on him, not very hard but he still backed up and gave her space. "What are you talking about now baka?"

His arms crossed over his chest and she mimicked him. "You know exactly what I am talking about…"

He was barely talking and yet somehow, she heard him loud and clear. "Did you hit your head or something?"

Forgetting her earlier request, he took a step closer, her breath hitching in her throat as he did. "You like me, Odango. Admit it."

Now, this was the last place she wanted to be, needing to get as far away from him as possible. Spinning on her heel, she made good time to the exit, stomping away in hopes of calming the anger that was burning inside her at the man. How dare he tease her like this! It was going too far!

The heat hit her again but this time she welcomed it, wanting to get away from the cool stare of one Mamoru Chiba. Every time she was around him now it was the same, a barrage of emotions and only half of them hers. She had no clue where the rest of them came from but they were killing her. She didn't dare think that they were coming from Mamoru as most of them mirrored her own, her feelings for the dark man being confusing enough as it was when it was only her feelings.

She slowed when she made it to the park, winding her way deep into it where no one would find or bother her, letting the reality of it all sink in as she sunk to the ground. A small pond before her, she watched on as the Koi circled, dancing in front of her eyes.

It wasn't long before a body joined her on the grass next to her, his presence known to her before she looked up from the fish. "How did you find me?"

Leaning back on his palms, he stared at her. "I will always find you."

A chill ran up her spine at his words and she couldn't help the anger and sadness that rolled out of her. "Well, I don't want you to find me. I want you to leave me alone."

"That's not true."

She shook her head, jumping up to her feet. "Stop it."

He jumped up after her, standing in front of her. "Stop what?"

"Stop… arrggg you know what I'm talking about! Stop it!"

He shrugged, not shuddering from her anger in the slightest. "I can't."

Glaring at him now, he looked so calm, but she was almost positive it was his heart beating in tandem with hers at that moment. "Try!"

Taking his eyes from the pond, he found hers, every confusing feeling she had about him mirrored in him. "No."

"NO?!"

He shook his head, not a single emotion reflected on his face to match the ones pummeling her at that moment. Were they coming from him or not? It didn't make sense, it couldn't be from him, he hated her! Her feelings for him were one-sided, weren't they?

"I don't want to."

Her nerves were running away with her, trying like hell to hang on to anything in that moment. "Now who sounds childish?"

He stepped closer to her and as much as she wanted to step back, to step away, she couldn't, her body wouldn't allow it. "I don't care if it is. I don't want to stop, Usagi."

She was shaking, the last of her nerves fizzling under his stare. "Why?"

Unfurling, his hands reached out to her, touching her arms gently. "You know why."

Looking away was impossible, him pulling her into him while all she could do was watch as his lips lowered to hers. Even with the heat of the sun, she still found him to be warmer, causing her to shiver as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in tight. Time stopped but he didn't stop, his tongue sliding across her lip and she gave it entrance. Dancing together, her arms climbed up his chest and wrapped around his neck. Pulling him in deeper to her.

Even with time stopping, the kiss didn't last nearly long enough for her as he slowly and gently pulled away from her. Only to rest his forehead against hers. "Right after this, Beryl took me away and I didn't get to see you again until it was too late."

She pulled back, but he held her tight. "Mamoru? What is this?"

"It's a dream. A memory we share."

"Is this...is this real or did you…"

"It was real, Usako. All of it. It appears that you and I can share this too, even in sleep."

"So...we are both asleep right now?"

He nodded, bringing his head to rest against hers again. "I just want you to remember, Usako."

"How do I know you didn't alter this? Make me see what you want me to see?" Now he stood back, his face and eyes speaking volumes along with their link. "Okay, fine. Then how come every memory I have ever had about us in this life has been ones of anger? You hated me!"

He sighed, shaking his head, "Of course, that's all you saw. But what did you feel?"

"I don't…"

He brought his head back to hers again, pain radiating off of him. "I was an idiot, Usako. I was in love with you the whole time and never told you. Not until it was too late."

She huffed, "Just like this life."

Pulling away again, he placed a kiss on her forehead and released her from his hold. "I hope you have more dreams, Usako, and see what I mean."

~*O*~

The tension at training was so thick, it was hard to breathe. Rei stood, waiting with the rest of them for the others to arrive. She glared at the three of them, Makoto glaring back while she and Minako ducked their heads as if not to notice. Neph arrived first, Kun right behind pulling a reluctant Jed with him. Jed gave Rei a wide berth, coming around to their side. Mamoru and Zoi were the last to arrive, the two of them chatting animatedly. Catching bits and pieces, it sounded like they were discussing events from their past lives.

His eyes met hers but she quickly ducked down again, looking at the floor again. She felt his heart swelling at the sight of her, but it only filled her with guilt that confused him.

"What is HE doing here?!"

Her head popped up, finding Rei grabbing and pulling Zoi to the middle of the group, nearly tossing him to the ground. "He is one of us Rei. Don't you remember?"

Rei's face held a nasty grimace, looking at the sheepish general. "I remember, I just didn't think he did. How long has he been awake?"

Zoi remained silent, Minako giving Rei a confused look. "He was awake before all of us, even Usagi."

"Rei, what's wrong?"

Her head looked over at her, black strands flying from the effort. "Well if you hadn't shunned Ami and me, you would know that this...guy, is Ami's new boyfriend!"

"BOYFRIEND!" There three voices screeched and echoed off the walls.

"Since when does Ami have a boyfriend?" There was a hint of sadness in Minako's voice.

"And it's this guy?!" Makoto looked ready to wipe the floor with Zoi.

She slumped, finding the floor again with her stare. "Guess we have missed a lot."

Warm strands of comfort wrapped around her, almost as if it were his arms wrapping around her. But he still stood several feet from her, watching. She knew his eyes were on her, which was one of the reasons she did all she could to look anywhere but at him. His mind was blank for the most part, her only saving grace as she did her best to keep hers the same.

"Yeah, well, he apparently missed telling us that he was dating Minerva!"

Neph had the blonde by the scruff of the neck, pulling him around roughly. "You all got your wives back! I was tired of waiting! And she knows nothing Usagi, I swear!"

His eyes were on hers, pleading. It occurred to her for the first time, the effect her decisions had on not only the girls, but also the Shitennou. She was basically forcing them to stay away from the ones they loved. All this time, she only thought about what she would lose if they remembered. She never once thought about what the boys would lose if they didn't.

"I'm sorry." Everyone stopped and grew silent, now all eyes on her. "I didn't even… I'm sorry. I didn't think about what I was keeping from any of you. I just… I wanted to keep everyone safe."

Her guilt at the forefront, she did her best to keep her emotions in check, including the ones Mamoru was sending her. She didn't feel as though she deserved the comfort he was sending her way. All her memories, the ones of the Silver Millennium and of their tears when the ones they loved didn't remember them in Beryl's control, she knew already how much her friends loved one another. And still, she kept them apart.

Hands gripped her shoulders, Rei face before her with a small sad smile. "We get why you did it Usagi-chan. I don't agree with it, but I understand and I love you for it."

For a moment, the tension in the room melted away, until Zoi decided to speak. "Does this mean I can keep seeing Ami?"

He was asking her, but was it her place to decide on such things? "It's… not up to me."

Makoto punched his arm hard. "You really want to make her responsible for breaking Ami's heart? How thick are you?!"

"That's enough everyone. Pick it up and let's get going!"

Kun barked at all of them, something they were all used to by now and didn't even flinch anymore. Mamoru was slowly making his way to her, his sparring partner when Rei pulled on her harshly.

"Let's go, Usagi-chan."

"What?"

Rei glanced over her shoulder, Jed standing a few inches from them. He had the same plans as Mamoru, wanting to claim his reincarnated wife as his sparring partner. "I am not touching that man!"

She whispered harshly but made sure to say it loud enough for the man to hear. As Rei pulled her away, she watched as Mamoru did the same with Jed, both their hearts pulsing with sadness for the poor general.

A brand new fic goes live today on my Pay Tron so you have that to consider as well. It's a music professionals AU where Darien is washed up after the woman he thought he loved took all his music they had worked on together and left him for dead. As did his label. A year later and his sister, Raye, and producer, Amy, have had enough and hire a songwriter all call "the miracle worker". Serena Lune. So check out my profile and subscribe!