Chapter 19.

Cas had been walking through the trees above the bunker for a while when he saw Bobby approaching. He watched warily as the offworlder moved closer. They had a difficult relationship at the best of times.

"Are you feeling smitey?" said Bobby.

"I can probably control my anger for the present." said Cas.

"Good. I feel like we need to talk."

"Strange. I feel we already talked too much." said Cas.

Bobby offered a silver flask. "I never considered diplomacy as a career. I know I lack tact. If I've offended you, it wasn't intentional. Hell, you'll know when it's intentional."

"We are from different worlds." said Cas.

"Literally." said Bobby.

"I struggle to communicate with the humans who don't hate my kind."

"Yeah and I'll admit, your being what you are is a problem for me." He offered the flask again. "You like whisky."

Cas took the flask and drank from it. He didn't want the whisky. A bucketful would not have blurred the edges of his suffering. He did want to avoid undue conflict. He had done enough harm to Sam and his army. "Thanks." he said, giving the flask back.

Bobby took a swig himself. "You sure you're not in the mood for smiting?" he said.

"You're safe." said Cas.

"Okay. Why are you cutting Jules loose? It's kind of a dick move."

"The dick move was letting her think I could love her." said Cas.

"You don't love her?"

"I do. I just can't."

"Well, that makes no sense." said Bobby.

"I don't have to make sense to you."

Bobby sat under a tree and gestured to a similar seat a few feet away. "Sit down, Halo."

Reluctantly, Cas sat.

"Jules deserves better." said Bobby.

"On that, we agree." said Cas.

Bobby frowned at him. "You're hard work."

"On that too." said Cas, "Are you starting to understand why it's better that I get out of her way?"

"What I don't get is why you started a relationship with her that you clearly never wanted."

"That's not what happened."

"So, what, you really, truly loved her and then suddenly she did something and you stopped?"

"Jules did nothing wrong." said Cas, rethinking how smitey he might feel.

"Yeah, I would have put money on that."

"I don't owe you an explanation." said Cas.

Bobby agreed. "I know you don't. I just happen to care about the woman you're ignoring. And I may be a dumbass to think it, but I think you probably do too. I hope you do, because I helped to put you two together in the first place. She's been through a lot. I don't wanna see her hurt by you."

"Neither do I." said Cas, "I'm trying not to hurt her and yes, I know the best way to avoid that would have been to stay out of her life, but I didn't. I got ideas I never should have had and I tried to pretend I could have human feelings and a human relationship. I'm not claiming I didn't screw up. I always do. Recognising that, the only fair thing to do is stay as far from her as I can."

"You've told her it's over?" said Bobby.

"That's none of your business."

"Or are you not quite ready to go that far? Because if you really meant what you're saying, you'd finish it."

"Maybe I'm trying to let her down gently."

"As long as she thinks you love her, she will never give up on you. If you don't know that, you don't know our Juliette at all."

Cas wanted to hurl himself off the hill and break every bone in his body on the road beneath, but angels didn't break that easily and he knew it would just be an embarrassing faceplant with no consequences other than humiliation.

"I'm not claiming I know her much better." said Bobby, "She joined my camp some months back, one of a small band of refugees, hurt and hungry. Didn't talk much. Ask me where she grew up, who her folks were, I don't know. I know she's one Hell of a hunter. I know you can count on her to the last breath. I know she has every reason to hate your kind."

"As you do?"

"Yeah, well, I have my reasons too. You know one of the fun games they used to play with prisoners? They made 'em play Russian Roulette. Sometimes, they'd play it straight. Sometimes, there'd be more than one bullet. Anything to make it more fun. Angels get bored easily, I guess."

"I am not like them."

"No, you're not. That's why I'm talking to you, not shooting you with an angel-killing round to the head. Castiel, she was their prisoner, for a time. She and this fella Joe Dane were sharing a cell. She didn't really know him, but she knew he had two kids who were relying on him to come home. I heard this story from him. She never talked about any of it. She doesn't talk about much."

"Then maybe you shouldn't either." said Cas, although he needed to know what had happened.

"One of the sky monkeys put the gun in her hand. Said she could go first, have the best odds, even though the odds are the same for every shot. She didn't have much time to think. She didn't need much time."

Cas felt rising fury. The thought of any angel laying violent hands on her was bad enough, but the thought of such cruelty, such torture, for the fun of it was unbearable. "Tell me she killed them." he said, though he knew they would hardly have used angel-killing bullets.

"Jules put that gun to her head and she clicked her way through every chamber. They hadn't used any bullets that time, but she didn't know until she didn't die. I've seen a lot of courage in my time, but she was ready to die ... to kill herself, so two little girls she had never met didn't have to lose their daddy."

Cas stood. "And you still don't get why I want to save her any more pain?" His voice sounded strained and unsteady. He tried to correct it when he said, "Don't you think she's suffered enough?"

"I think we all have." said Bobby, also rising to his feet, "But with you, she's found peace and even happiness. She laughs. She smiles. I don't pretend to understand how any of your relationships work or what you can and can't feel. I don't get how an angel ends up with two human brothers or how a thing I always thought was soulless and cold can fall in love ... "

"We are soulless." said Cas.

"But you love her."

"Yes."

"If there's no chance this relationship can succeed, or if you feel like you can't love her as she deserves, end the thing. Kill it. Tell her honestly that it's over and tell her why."

At the thought, Cas felt as if he had been punched in the gut by an archangel.

"But you don't look like someone who has no human feelings. You look like someone who's afraid and confused and throwing away something you don't wanna lose because you're messed up over losing Dean. Does that sound about right?"

"Dean isn't lost yet." said Cas.

"If you'll fight for him, fight for her too. Rightly or wrongly, she loves you and she loves you knowing you're a damn angel. Don't break her heart because it's easier than breaking a sweat."

"Angels don't sweat." said Cas.

Bobby shook his head. "Angels don't listen."

"No, we really don't." said Cas.

"Good talk." said Bobby wearily before heading back to the bunker.