Tinderbox

Author: Cheryl W.

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Chapter 18: Finding the Light

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Trying to disguise the tension coiled around her every nerve, Sam strode through the conference room door and instantly knew that she had blindly walked into an ambush. It shouldn't really have surprised her that Sheppard's teammates were there with the Lt. Colonel. They had, after all, made their loyalty to the man crystal clear to her in the last few weeks.

She didn't remark on Rodney, Ronon or Teyla's presence, instead focused on John Sheppard, who looked pale and entirely too vulnerable in the wheelchair with his leg propped up and an IV bag dangling from a pole. And the fact he hadn't transferred to a conference room chair to give a more strong impression of himself, it gave her an indication of how much pain he was in and the toll his injuries were taking on him. It was stark proof of the things Doctor Beckett's reports hadn't been able to tell her and she had not felt right visiting Sheppard to see for herself.

'Don't be fooled. He's not weak, won't be the one being leverage in this meeting,' she warned herself, recognized the set to Sheppard's features, that whatever decision he had come to, he'd fight to his last breath to get his own way. And the other occupants seated at the conference room table were there to 100% back up Sheppard's decision. Suddenly Sam felt the tension that had been coursing through her for the last few days dissipate. For maybe the first time, she and Lt. Colonel Sheppard were about to agree on something.

When Colonel Carter entered the room, John detected an expression he couldn't catalogue flickering across her features before she schooled it and opened with, "Dr. Beckett didn't indicate this would be a team meeting," as she claimed a seat at the other end of the conference room direct opposite of where John's wheelchair was parked.

"The outcome of whatever we decide directly affects them," John civilly replied, eyes holding hers, wasn't going to apologize for his team being there, for him needing them to be there. He was done playing the lone hero when all it ever got him was failures and soul sucking isolation.

Linking her hands together on top of the table, Sam addressed her military commander. "Lt Colonel Sheppard, I knew we needed to talk but I didn't want to intrude on your recovery." She hated that it sounded like she wanted to retreat, wanted more time to regroup against far superior odds.

"Recovery's coming along just fine," John boasted with a pale smile, doubting her consideration was for his health. Then before more civility could bog down the meeting, he bluntly cut to the chase. "Colonel, I wanted to let you know I'm officially withdrawing my request for a transfer."

Sam pretended to be contemplating what her reaction should be to his "appeal" to remain on Atlantis. "Can I ask why the change of heart, Lt. Colonel?" but she didn't honestly have hopes of getting a real answer. Braced herself for whatever blackmail he'd tried to leverage her with: a mutiny, a IOA review board overview, using his favor among the crew members to undermine her authority.

Colonel Carter's response was not phrased as John had expected it to be, held more …sincere inquiry than outraged refusal, which was throwing John off his game. He shifted in the wheelchair but held her gaze steadily, knew there were military strategic comebacks he could offer up but this wasn't about military tactics or logical reasonings. It was about his ….yes, feelings, about his teammates and his sappy attachment to Atlantis and it was about retribution for everyone in that galaxy that had taken away people that he loved, about saving everyone else, including himself. It was about not cowardly running away but standing his ground and defending this place, these people to the last of his breath. Then again, maybe it was about military mottos.

"Fly Fight Win," John quoted the Air Force slogan, saw Carter's raised eyebrow in surprise before he continued, leaning forward, eyes piercing hers. He needed her to believe him, understand him for the first time like he was beginning to understand himself. "We're still in the middle of this war and I rather die fighting here to protect Atlantis and our people than live long enough to retire anywhere else. I've been with this mission since the start and I've made….mistakes…but …" here he rubbed his hand over his forehead, mistakes seemed a piss poor substitution for the truth, so he bit out, "Lives were lost because of my decisions, I know that but odds are that more lives will be lost if I leave. I know the Wraith, I know the Replicators, I've been through hundreds of missions on first contacts, I know Atlantis better than Rodney.."

"What?! No you don't!" Rodney protested but at John's quelling look and Teyla's hand on his forearm he relented, "Some parts only because Atlantis freaking sucks up to you because of your stupid superior gene…"

With Rodney's rant petered out, John turned back to Carter. "I know our people here, what they are capable of. You need me, my experience. So if you want to go to the IOA to try and kick me out…" John faltered, hated to think she'd object to his staying but suddenly knew he would fight her every step of the way, wasn't willing to go even if she thought he was a determent to the mission. Looked to his friends, needed them to support him in the face of his new resolution, to maybe doom all their futures on Atlantis if this blew up in his face. But Ronon's ballsy 'I love a good fight' smile and Teyls'a nod of approval and Rodney's "I'm the one who deep sixed your transfer request remember?" he knew they were in it with him, to the bitter end.

With new confidence, John glared down the table at Carter, his eyes holding that same fire more than one Wraith queen had been the recipient of. "Go ahead and try to boot me off Atlantis but know I'll fight you the entire way because I'm not leaving. I won't leave…can't leave, not until we win, until I know Atlantis is safe, that Earth is safe." Silently offered up a personal vow, 'I won't quit on the people I call family, who have kept me alive more times than they've saved Atlantis, who've already forgiven me for being a stupid jerk through all of this,' his eyes skimming the table to those people here with him it all felt…right…true. His justification to Carter for his change of heart a thousand times truer than the words he had written in his reassignment request that Rodney had deleted.

Sam fought back an outward reaction to Sheppard's impassioned reasoning, which were totally lacking in threats against her if she didn't concede to his demand. It was a revelation to her. For a man who kept a pretty good reign on his feelings, John Sheppard felt things, deeply. That was her failing, to see that, to realize that he did ache with regrets and guilt for how his decisions had cost lives. And it was prideful foolishness to think she could pop through the stargate and rule over Atlantis in Elizabeth Weir's place like it was her right to be there. Every single day she remained on Atlantis it was made clearer and clearer that it was John Sheppard who belonged in this fight more than she ever would. He was the one who had risked everything, lost so much to defend this city, to fight all comers, who had the strength to do what was right even when it did cost lives. Had the fortitude and …support of his friends …to survive the heartbreak of suffering such losses at his decisions and still not concede the war, to not give up…to falter, yes, to hurt, absolutely, but to stand his ground to try and save everyone, to not let anyone stand alone and be abandoned.

A quiet tension fell among the people in the conference room, waiting her response, to know if the fight would rage hotter and stronger or if a truce could be found.

All eyes on her, Sam cleared her throat of something suspiciously like emotions and met Sheppard's intent gaze. "General O'Neil gave me some advice that I should have listened to. But I haven't been thinking very clearly lately," self-chastisement in her tone, shame in her small smile.

Not sure where this was going, John warily replied slowly, "That seems to be going around, Colonel."

Sam pointed around the table to John's teammates. "But you were smart enough to accept some well-meaning advice from people who care about you."

John felt a lump form in his throat. "Took a while but they didn't give up on me. And I can't give up on them." Felt vulnerable saying it in his friends' presence but it was time to be truthful if it was the final battle to keep them with him, for him to get to stay with them.

In that moment Sam sharply missed her own Stargate team, of being part of something, a family, remembered how hard she had fought to keep them safe and together. 'I've been foolish to think it was any different for John Sheppard.' That need, that bond, that completeness. She had let her …jealousy, her ego pit Sheppard as an adversary supposedly so far removed to what she was, to what she felt. But he wasn't. More than that, he was better than she was, more honorable, more loyal, more selfless than she knew how to be. He had given up his team to keep them safe, had been willing to sacrifice his career, his happiness in some false belief that it was for the best for his friends, for Atlantis. Lies she had fed to him out of her own insecurities. Insecurities not so much false as not needed to be feared, if she had only heeded Jack's advice.

"The General told me to trust you, to work with you…that I needed your help to lead Atlantis." She saw Sheppard's expression turn to one of surprise. "I resented his advice, his impression that I needed you, couldn't lead Atlantis on my own." She exhaled, a chagrined hue turning up her complexion. "He was right. Elizabeth Weir was right."

John's breath caught at the mention of Elizabeth. "Dr. Weir, Colonel?" choosing to use ranks in his address to try and distance himself from his own emotions.

Sam nodded, pulled out a thumb drive from her pocket and slid it across the table to John. "This was on Dr. Weir's computer and I….didn't mean to …thought they were briefings. When they weren't, were more her journals..personal, I should have…resisted reading them but…I know she'd want you to read them, John." Then Sam stood up without voicing her decision on Sheppard's withdrawn of his transfer request, his status on Atlantis.

Refusing to let things stay in limbo, John, fearing what they signified, dogmatically warned, "Colonel Carter I'm not going to…"

"I don't want you to change your mind about staying," Colonel Carter declared, eyes meeting his, didn't want any more miscommunication between them. "I want you here…I need you here. And they need you here…" eyes scanning John's team before she pointed to outside the conference room, "and so do they.." indicating Atlantis and the Pegasus galaxy in her gesture. "Rest up Colonel, you and I have a war to win when you're back up to fighting speed." Then she turned to leave but swung around caught Sheppard stunned, grateful expression and he was smiling like an idiot.

Addressing Sheppard's teammates, she stated more than asked, "When Doctor Beckett signs off on Colonel Sheppard's health, I assume none of you have any objections to reestablishing your team again."

She didn't know any of the three personnel could smile, let alone that brightly. Especially at her.

"Yes, Ma'am," Ronon drawled with a respect he never showed in public

"Yes, Colonel Carter, that will be most appreciated," Teyla happily agreed, was already starting to amend her opinion on Carter's character.

Rodney sputtered as if Carter was short a few million brain cells, "Objections!? I wouldn't have erased his transmission to…" he broke off at John's pointed look of 'shut up, Rodney before you incriminate yourself' and then ended with " …yeah, I think I can..you know…make some off world trips fit into my lab rotations."

Sam nodded her head, was going to walk away but knew she owed them something more, like she had Sheppard. "I am sorry for my interference and I'll work to earn your trust." Then she left, knew they were itching to celebrate with Sheppard, that whether they ever forgave her, trusted her, that would depend wholly on how she treated Sheppard going forward.

Sam understand at last that the whole Atlantis expedition, it hindered not on might, but heart, that Elizabeth Weir had it right: "…the goodness that shines through at the darkest moments." That was the greatest weapon in their arsenal and Sam had almost let the bandleader for that particular rally pack his bags and vacate the premises.

She fought giving an undignified snort as she remembered one of her grandma's zany quotes that summed up this whole mess she had made but had miraculously been able to make amends for: "Sometimes you are blind, not because there's no light..but because you have your dang eyes closed." 'Smart Lady to the last, grandma. Way smarter than me but I'm learning…I'm learning.' And like Dr. Weir had found out, John Sheppard wasn't a bad teacher when it came to finding the light and holding it tight.

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As his friends started to get up from their chairs, John started, "About reassembling the team …" but the words got stuck, wasn't sure he was strong enough to let them go, stay gone. Yes, sure, they didn't want him to leave Atlantis, they had each made it clear but the team…honestly they were each better off as things were now. "I can…talk to Colonel Carter about that. Convince her that you're all….fine with where you are."

It was Ronon who surprisingly beat Teyla and Rodney in responding. "Nope." Then he came behind John and started wheeling him out of the conference room. "I'm on your team or I'm packing my bags and leaving, and I won't change my mind this time."

John would have stiffened at Ronon's reference to his past choice to leave Atlantis but it didn't hurt anymore, knew now that it hadn't been a betrayal, only a failed attempt on Ronon's part to protect himself, like John's own aborted departure had been.

From John's left side, Teyla declared, with an affectionate smile to her leader, friend and brother, "My sentiments match Ronon's. I joined Atlantis to be at your side, nothing has changed."

Then it was Rodney's turn. "Come on, you need my genius to save your life, again and again." At Teyla's arched brow look at him like a sister's 'be nice, be truthful', Rodney sighed, "Ok, fine. I missed getting nearly killed on a daily basis. Lab work is rewarding but…quite boring. And…"

John looked to Rodney now pacing beside him on the right and inquired, "And?" John felt a little giddy with relieved happiness at getting his team back fully, tried to cover it by harassing Rodney, which was always a great way to settle his nerves. Or just get some sick pleasure from it, like any older brother would.

Rodney paled and stammered, "I thought we already did all the mushy…baring our souls. Do you really need me to tell you what you mean…"

John smiled and cut in, "No. I just ate lunch and don't want to hurl."

"Ha ha funny," Rodney grumbled but was wholly relieved to be excused from more heartfelt declarations. "That's why I don't talk feelings with you."

"Because I have a weak stomach," John supplied with a smirk.

Teyla leaned down, whispered in John's ear, so no passerbyers could overhear, "Because you're afraid you might react, might let your feelings show, express how much we mean to you and that…."

"Would make even me sick," Ronon joined in the taunting, chuckled as John reached up and slapped Ronon's hand on his wheelchair handle.

Silence held as they ushered him down the hallway, heading back to the infirmary. But John felt his emotions were still bubbling under the surface, wouldn't settle down until he released them. "Hey guys, I…if I did want to talk about my feelings….I wouldn't have to, right?" he looked to the gathered family but even if they left him off the hook, he knew they deserved to hear it and he actually wanted them to know it. "You already know…that I…that losing you on my team… it….hurt. That leaving wasn't….I didn't…I would have missed you guys…a lot…more than…I could…"

Ronon put his hand affectionately on John's head, "Same here." Because he had faced that future himself a few months ago, knew the ache, the pain, the loneliness, the wrongness of the prospect of leaving behind family, this family. "So don't ever do it."

Teyla's eyes filled and she nodded at Ronon, proud of him for breaking his stoicism, for saying what she didn't know how to verbalize.

But Rodney was hardly ever short on words. "Yeah, don't because I put my career on the line for you. I actually threatened to leave Atlantis if you did and as we all know that was a bluff but what if the next time, Sam believes me?! I mean, I like you fine Sheppard but Atlantis is the best use for my skill set. They would be lost without me."

"So if I had Zelanka look into your files, there wouldn't be a resignation letter dated the day you made that "bluff" to Carter?" Teyla theorized, giving Rodney a knowing look.

"What? NO!" Rodney's denial 100% unbelievable. "And Zelanka couldn't hack my files." But then his confidence faltered. "You didn't…he didn't…."

"Your files are safe, Rodney," John reassured before he teasingly tacked on, "No one wants to be bored to death reading your acceptance speeches for the awards you think you'll win."

"Hey I have won numerous awards and it's more than highly probably that I'll win more, would have already if Atlantis and Stargate weren't highly classified operations." Then he stopped, looked to John's all too innocent expression. "How did you know I had speeches on my computer?"

"I have my ways…. Schrődinger," John drawled, braggingly announcing McKay's password.

Rodney went wide eyed, ranted, "You stole my password again!"

"Yeah and you hacked into my laptop" John volleyed back.

"Did not," McKay immaturely denied.

John smiled brazenly. "Really, because that's the only place my transfer request could be found."

Rodney didn't dispute that truth, instead braggingly retorted, "Well you should be thanking me for finding it and deleting it before you could make the biggest mistake of your life."

John tilted his head, stunned a moment. "Huh…you're actually….right."

Shocked, Rodney croaked, "I am?"

"Yeah. Rodney, Thanks…" John sincerely offered but Rodney was eyeing him warily.

"Is this a trick?" he hazarded.

"Rodney, just take the win," John suggested with a hint of a whine in his tone.

Rodney replied with a gloating smile. "I will."

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TBC

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Thanks for my kind reviewers and everyone's patience as I update this story slowly! I have another chapter planned to wrap things up and for the team to have some fun.

Have a great day!

Cheryl W.