2016
Delphine smiles, she is holding both of Cosima's hands. In a church of all places! Something she never ever thought would come to pass.
"Are you ready?" Cosima asks her softly. "Are you ready to be my wife?"
"Yes." Delphine whispers back, knowing that her daughter and granddaughter are watching. No doubt Annabelle is stewing silently, or processing, it was always harder to tell what she was thinking than with her siblings. Alain and Nathalie she could read fairly easily. Annabelle was never that straightforward. Shades of grey where Alain saw black and white, reserved where Nathalie was bursting with energy. But her daughter was on her side, she must be, she had helped her. Delphine comforts herself with that thought.
Stephen looks at them both. "We'll just do the standard vows, keep it quick and then I will sing for you."
"He'll sing for us?" Delphine mouths to Cosima, who simply smiles and nods enthusiastically.
They say their vows, weeping slightly, and kiss readily when prompted. The language has changed, not just in English to French, better, kinder. It brings a familiar heat to Delphine's body, a flush to her cheeks. She has Cosima. She finally truly has Cosima.
They're signing the license and the register, prompted by a teary-eyed Laura when she stops suddenly. Pen trailing against the thick paper of the register.
A rich tenor voice fills the sanctuary, Stephen is singing, and suddenly Delphine understands why Cosima had just smiled at her. This voice, she was not expecting. Not this talent. Not from a minister. One of Cosima's grandsons plays the piano, and it's beautiful. Stunningly beautiful.
"He was a music student when Laura brought him home. Only twenty years old." Cosima tells her softly, stroking her face. "He was so anxious. But very talented. Even more so than Laura."
Delphine laughs. "He was right to have been."
She beckons wordlessly to Julie, who signs as her witness. Why Annabelle will not sign remains a mystery but she supposes it doesn't matter. Charlie, Cosima's youngest grandson signs for her with a grin. Legally wed, the thought still thrills her.
"Why Charlie and not the others?" Delphine asks quietly, not wanting to interrupt the singing.
"Because he's bisexual." Cosima responds with a smile. "James and Ben are… not. They love women. Always women."
"Bisexuelle." Delphine acknowledges. She knows of this. Has never thought much about it.
"Yes. His boyfriend couldn't make it. He will join us for lunch though." Cosima offers.
"Lunch?"
"Stephen and Laura made us all a reservation. Private party at a restaurant." Cosima smiles. "It's… it's not as grand as it should have been maybe…"
"It is more than enough, Cosima." Delphine's heart swells again. She has married her Cosima.
June 1954
Cosima stares off into space behind Sadie's head.
"And we knew, we absolutely had to have the two of your for dinner, right Paul?"
"Yes, of course." Paul mutters out, suddenly extremely intent on returning to the grill in the backyard.
"I'll help him." John offers politely. "You stay, enjoy your friend. And the baby." John steps out to the backyard after Paul. Presumably to grill and smoke, or do whatever men do.
Cosima nods, glancing over to the tiny child playing on the carpet. The boy pushes himself up on his hands and begins to try to run again. Managing several fast, uncoordinated steps before falling down and crying. Cosima fantasizes again about leaving. But instead merely shifts her position in the wooden chair. The bungalow was pleasant, just outside the city and she knew Sadie was pleased with it. Toys are strewn around the living area with its soft floral furniture. It's just a house. Cosima thinks. No different than the one John has bought for them not far from here. Though she can tell Sadie is much more eager to decorate her home. Cosima's lack of energy for the task was their second largest marital frustration.
"Try again, Michael." Sadie calls softly. "Don't cry." The boy continues to cry for several minutes, leaving Cosima unsure if she should stand up and try to comfort the child or just sit and let the conversation continue. She didn't have the foggiest idea what to do with babies really. Babies, the thought makes her picture Delphine again. Her round belly, how she waddles now, unable to maintain the gait she remembered.
"So we're expecting again." Sadie tells her under her breath. "I'm hoping this one is a girl. But who knows… How was the honeymoon." Sadie teases her readily, unrelenting.
"Fine." Cosima answers shortly. None of her friends had got much more than that out of her, after all, how could she admit how much she hated being a wife without drawing unnecessary attention? John was, admittedly concerned, but he seemed to accept her feeling unwell as a reasonable excuse. How many excuses could she give him before he became insistent?
"Fine? That long to… go all the way, and it's only fine?" Sadie whispers, though no one but the toddler can hear them. "You've never been the silent type about anything Cosima. So tell me for real. I know John can't dance, so he must have other talents."
Cosima snorts, unable to help herself. "I don't like it. At all."
"At all? Maybe you both need practice." Sadie laughs. "I know you don't need me to play matchmaker anymore, but you should be enjoying yourself. At least in my opinion."
"Maybe." Cosima lies, unwilling to take this conversation anywhere remotely truthful. She instead pretends to be aptly regarding the toddler who is now pushing his way along a wall.
"There you go Michael. Keep going." Sadie calls. "He's such a funny baby. Cries all the time. Before long, you'll probably have one too."
"What?" Cosima starts, nearly jumping out of her seat. That was something she didn't want to picture at all. There must be some better way of ...avoiding it. Surely she refuses John enough that it won't really be possible.
"John told Paul you hadn't been feeling well. Lots of headaches and nausea." Sadie smirks. "I think you might be in a family way!"
That is one possibility Cosima doesn't even want to consider. "We only did it twice." She hisses at Sadie. "I don't think so." For that she is relieved.
"Only twice?" Sadie shakes her head. "Clearly you need more practice. What is up with you anyway? OH did you get to see that friend of yours? The French one in Montreal. What's her name… Danielle?"
"Delphine. Her name is Delphine and no… I tried. We couldn't really connect. We had a cup of coffee but… no time to really catch up." Cosima tries a highly edited version of the truth. The only truth she can tell to anyone.
"No wonder you're disappointed. If it hadn't been a surprise you probably could have arranged dinner with her and her husband… maybe you should ask John to let you go back."
"Go back?"
"To see your friend, silly." Sadie shakes her head. "Now, help me with the salad. I think Michael has soiled himself again. So many diapers."
Cosima grimaces, noting the foul smell coming from the infant. But Montreal remains on her mind. Could she go back? She's not due to teach until September. John had work of course, but… would he let her go?
Write to me.
Cosima's voice reminds her of Delphine's begged instructions. That. That she could do. And maybe, maybe John would let her go.
Delphine waddles her way out to the mailbox to collect the mail before Thomas can get there. It had become her daily routine since she last saw Cosima. Hoping desperately that Cosima would yield and write to her. Give her something.
It's only been two weeks but the letter has arrived. The return address giving a name, Cosima Hewitt. The surname surprises her, but she knows Cosima has married. It must be her husband's name. Delphine tries not to look too excited as she passes her housekeeper.
"Une lettre?" Josephine looks up from scrubbing the floors. Since her pregnancy had become more obvious. Josephine came four mornings a week, intent on keeping the house clean. She supposes it'll be increased again when the child arrives. Maman had already told her she'd come for a week to help with the baby, bringing at least two of her sisters.
"C'est la mienne. Mon amie a Toronto." Delphine brushes off the sudden interest, wondering if Josephine had been taking any extra instructions from Thomas.
She tries to settle herself comfortably on the sofa to read but she's never comfortable anymore. Inside she feels another sharp jab. The baby is kicking, which she has grown to hate. Sometimes she feels as though Thomas's child is trying to kick its way out of her through her skin. Wanting to get to its father. Perhaps knowing somehow that she didn't want it. Of course, that cannot really happen. The baby grows larger, and while she grows increasingly weary of being pregnant, she dreads the end of the pregnancy even more. She still doesn't want it, but knows she cannot admit it to anyone. Giving birth might be even worse. Then she'd have to care for it every hour of the day.
Delphine shakes her head, intent to ignore the baby for the moment. It didn't have to exist here, not in this space. She returns her thoughts to Cosima. Holding Cosima, kissing Cosima.
She peels away the side of the envelope and lets the surprisingly short letter fall into her hands.
Dear Delphine,
I cannot stop thinking about you. About your kisses. About your mouth on my hands. About the way you felt in my arms when we last met. I am yours, Delphine. If you will still have me. You said I have your heart, and you have mine. That can be enough.
Please, I'm begging you. Let me come to you. Let me hold you again. Let me kiss you again. I won't regret it, not for a moment, my love. Let me come to your bed. Let me make love to you.
I cannot live like this. I cannot survive without your love. And I cannot bear to stay in Toronto a moment longer. Say the word, and I will come to Montreal again. John will let me go. He's so sick of me already he's about to flip his lid if we don't get some space soon.
I've enclosed my telephone number. Call me, and I will come to you.
Love always,
Cosima
Delphine gapes, unable to hide her reaction to this letter. Come to her? Cosima couldn't possibly want to… She shakes her head. Cosima had merely been overcome with emotion before. They both were. They had missed each other. Cosima couldn't possibly be serious. How could she overlook a pregnancy?
Delphine sighs, glancing towards the phone. She was alone by noon almost every day. She … could let Cosima come to her. But then what? What would this become?
2016
"It looks different." Delphine comments as she's helped from the car. "Is it going to be too cold? It's barely May." Surely the cabin didn't look like this. She looks at the building and sees panelled siding where there just used to be wood. The trees are largery, the path down to what she presumes is still the dock obscured by leaves and shadow. Was this really it? Was this the place she first kissed Cosima?
"My cousin and I paid to winterize it in the 70s. The exterior was completely redone." Cosima tells her readily. "I also paid for the bunkie. But that had to happen. We became too numerous! I am one of the owners, officially but my ownership will pass to Laura soon enough."
"Mom, it's your wedding day. Please stop talking about dying." Laura sighs. "Let's just enjoy the day. please."
"It's really the same cottage? " Delphine confirms, observing the building. It's certainly similar. But it doesn't look the same to her eyes. The new exterior is enough to throw her off. She'd often thought of this place, dreamed of this place. To her, it belonged to her and Cosima. To their youth.
"Yes, Delphine."
"It's just for one night." Laura tells them firmly. "We can care for you both, make sure you take your medication. But in the morning, you both go back to the nursing home."
"I understand." Delphine nods.
"It is the one gift I asked for for the wedding." Cosima tells her. "To come here with you, even if only once."
"Cosima…"
"I wanted to be here with you again, behind closed doors where no one can see." Cosima says. "Laura suggested a night in a hotel in the city. It would have probably been easier, but I really wanted this."
Stephen coughs slightly. "We'll make you two dinner and then Laura and I will vanish to the bunkie. Just don't try to climb to the loft Cosima."
Cosima sighs. "That is where Delphine and I stayed the first time we were here."
"No." Laura shouts. "You are not injuring yourself trying to get up the stairs, Mom. You're 84 years old… stay in one of the bedrooms downstairs. The bigger one. I already changed the sheets for you. We opened the cottage last weekend for this, cleaned everything. It's as safe as we can make it."
"We can't even go see it?" Cosima sighs.
"Delphine can, carefully. Stephen will walk up behind her. You and your walker get to stay down here." Laura crosses her arms across her chest.
Delphine begins to laugh, unable to help herself. "Oh Cosima, she is so much like you."
"She's not…" Cosima shakes her head.
"She is!" Delphine laughs. "I look at her, and I see you. Every time."
Cosima scowls momentarily, and then smiles, glancing at her daughter. "Better me than John!" She quips, and gingerly takes a seat at the table. "I'll wait here my love. You go."
Upon Stephen's waving his arms towards the stairs, she follows. Needing to see this. She climbs the stairs to the loft, those too have been changed. The two bedrooms remain much the same, with their bunkbeds. She closes her eyes, remembers kissing Cosima there. Remembers laying there longing to crawl into Cosima's bed. To have Cosima, and the nervousness. The fear of pushing too far. Going too far.
Delphine looks around the room again and smiles, "I am ready to go downstairs now." Downstairs was, after all, where they had stayed the nights they spent here alone. The precious nights she often liked to remember.
Stephen escorts her down but she doesn't need his help.
"So?"
"I like it here." Delphine smiles, her face lighting up. "Thank you, mon amour."
"Great. We'll make you dinner and get out of your way. Let you be alone." Laura nods, already part way through preparing a meal. It's a simple lentil stew, served with a loaf of bread, but it is better than much of what they've eaten before.
Cosima's daughter and son-in-law insist on washing all the dishes before going to the bunkie.
"Only one night?" Delphine asks. She changes into her nightgown in the other bedroom, the one that hasn't been prepared for them. She wishes she were even a decade younger, wishes her body was just a little more limber. There is so much she wants that seems difficult now.
"Cosima?" Delphine calls, entering the far bedroom. But Cosima has already undressed. Easier, she supposes. She can help Cosima dress in the morning, if necessary. Her legs work the way she wants, unlike Cosima whose knees have given up obedience. The walker sits in the corner, pushed away from the bed.
"This is the same room." Delphine states softly. "We made love here. More than once."
"I know… I remember." Cosima smiles.
"We were young then. So young." Delphine shakes her head. "You were so beautiful. So captivating…" She loses herself momentarily in her fantasies of being a girl, of making love to a young Cosima. One who wasn't altered by time or pain, one who remained a youth in her mind. The Cosima she'd remembered.
"Make love with me." Cosima demands, pushing herself up on the bed, grey hair hanging surprisingly loose behind her head. "Lay down, and let me have you."
"But… it's easier if I do it." Delphine offers. "You struggle to-"
"Then let me struggle." Cosima says finally. "Or I'll have to ask my son-in-law to come back from the bunkie and put me on top of you."
"Cosima!" She laughs. This is definitely a joke. But should she let Cosima struggle when it is so much easier for her?
"Trust me, they don't want to leave the bunkie." Cosima teases, seeming more youthful than before. This is all familiar. So very familiar.
Delphine obeys, taking off her nightgown before laying down to Cosima's protests. It's easy enough, once Cosima rolls half on top of her, her knees not quite steady enough to bear her weight. But they kiss the same, fall together the same. Desire rising in them steadily as they kiss and cling. Here in a place that feels so much like theirs.
"You're my wife." Cosima croons softly, moving against her, in her. "You're my wife now, Delphine."
"I am." Delphing giggles, admiring Cosima. Sure they had aged, Cosima perhaps better than she had. But they were together. She could picture it suddenly, them in their 40s, or 50s, or 60s, and making love here, just like this. What should have been. The life they should have had.
"Kiss me." She demands, and Cosima does, and it's easy. So easy.
Afterwards they curl together, enjoying the room the larger bed provides.
Cosima seems extremely satisfied, "I told you I could do it."
"I had every faith in you." Delphine responds softly. "It wasn't a surprise."
"Totally worth the struggle." Cosima smiles, bumping their noses together.
"Cosima?" Delphine asks finally. A question lingering in her mind, one she'd been too afraid to ask.
"Yes?" Cosima responds softly, brushing the gray curls back from her face.
She is unsure she truly wants to know the answer, but she asks anyway. "How many women have you taken here to make love?"
"Four." Cosima answers without hesitation or embarrassment. "You were the first. And the only one I married. And you'll be the last."
"Four." Delphine repeats in disbelief. "Four lovers."
"Four lovers here. I've had… six or seven in my life. Depending on if you want to count John or not." Cosima admits.
"So many. For me there was only you." Delphine sighs, looking up at the wood panelled ceiling. That too, is the same. But for Cosima, this place was clearly more. It wasn't just a memory.
"And your husband." Cosima adds, but there's no anger in her voice this time. No jealousy.
"He was my husband. Yes." Delphine agrees. "But I never enjoyed being his wife. I did enjoy being his widow. I am terrible."
Cosima lets out a soft breath. "Annabelle told me, Delphine, I know."
"Told you what?" She rolls onto her side to face Cosima.
"What Thomas died of." His name from Cosima's lips surprises her.
"Oh non…. " Delphine closes her eyes momentarily. "I don't have it anymore, Cosima. They treated me for it in 1965, penicillin. It was early enough for me but…."
"Not for him?" Cosima surmises.
"Non. He had already passed the second stage. I didn't know what it was. We rarely shared a bed then. He had these rashes off and on after Nathalie was born. What I couldn't understand was if it was a virus why the kids didn't get it. I didn't know what it was until I got pregnant again and then… I realized that I needed penicillin again."
"Again?"
"Thomas had enough lovers for the both of us." Delphine answers shortly. "He… he brought things home." What else can she say of it now? She'd hidden this from Cosima then, too ashamed. But now? What difference could it make?
"And the fourth baby? Annabelle mentioned that too. She remembers you being pregnant again."
"Born early. Stillborn." Delphine says softly. "It was another boy."
"I'm sorry."
"We never named him," Delphine offers. "They didn't even let me see him."
"Why did you keep going to bed with him?"
"First, because I was his wife. It was something I had to do. Later, I would go willingly, when I wanted to conceive. Annabelle and Nathalie, I tried to conceive them. They were intentional. I wanted babies. I wanted daughters. But after 1965? Never again." Delphine adds. "That's when it stopped for good."
"You should have come to me." Cosima sighs. "You had opportunities to. I asked you to, probably a dozen times."
"So I could have competed with your lovers?"
"There was no competition, Delphine." Cosima tells her sadly. "You could have come to me, in 1960 or 1968, in 1974, I would have taken you in."
They make love again, more slowly this time. Try to sink it all in before they must return to the nursing home. To their reality. This time as spouses. Delphine wonders what will change in the nursing home, if they'll be treated differently. If they were still try to confine her to her own bed.m
When she wakes in the night she finds herself disoriented, flitting around the room unsure of where she is. The sight of Cosima in bed next to her, Cosima who wakes, taking her hands and speaking softly to her calms her.
"Where are we?"
"My family's cabin, remember Delphine?"
"Yes… yes the wedding. We… we spent the night."
"Yes, my love. We spent the night. We'll have to go back in the morning." Cosima seems scared, but not agitated.
"We're married." Delphine smiles, relaxing into Cosima's arms.
"Yes my darling, we are." Cosima responds softly, leaning into Delphine.
She rests against Cosima, pulling her into a kiss. This will have to be enough.