TW: mentions of thoughts of suicide/self-harm

Ran's POV:

Thanks to Lisa's tutoring, I managed to pass. That was a relief. I had been a little worried that I'd get held back a year. I'm glad that didn't happen. But, I'm still without them. I just want to be in class with them again. Is that too much to ask?

School hadn't really changed much. That wasn't good, though. I was still bullied and stuff. Except, they got bolder now. Fortunately for them, I had learned how to manage my anger a bit more. I didn't lash out as quickly as I used to. I can keep myself calm a lot longer.

It still wasn't good for me, though. They were constantly at my side. They knew when they could say things. They rarely got caught. I tried reporting them, but the school didn't do anything. I don't want to tell my parents. They think things are getting better for me. I don't want to show them that's not true.

"Hey, bitch. Come on, why don't you show me your dark side? Go on. I know you want to attack me."

They were back at it again. It was a group of about five girls. They mainly attacked me in pairs. There were two of them before me. I just blankly stared at them. I've gotten used to this. I tried to walk away from them as I was told I should do. They don't like when I ignore them.

"Hey, pay attention to me!" I was roughly shoved into the wall.

"Fuck off." I growled.

"No. Come on, I know you're holding back. Just let go and show everyone how much of a monster you are." The girl who I figured was the leader of the group taunted, "Why don't you kill me like you did with him?"

I barely caught myself from lashing out. I was seeing red. This isn't good. She's learned how to get a response out of me. What do I do now? I'm trapped. They blocked me into a corner. How do I get out without hurting anyone? I don't know if I can. I may have to hurt them to get away.

"If you wanna get killed so bad, I'm sure there's a murderer waiting outside somewhere for a victim." I shot back.

"But I have one right here. Why'd I go through all that extra effort?" She sneered.

"Leave me alone." I stated firmly.

"If you want me to leave, you'll have to make me."

"Unless you want to be reported to the office, I'd think you'd want to leave." A voice said from somewhere nearby.

The girls growled, but walked away. I looked over at who had spoken. It was Lisa.

"Are you alright?" She asked me.

I nodded, "Yeah…"

"Well, I have to go. You fine by yourself?"

"I think so… thanks for helping me." I mumbled. I still hate when other people have to stand up for me.

"It's nothing. See ya." Lisa smiled at me and then walked away. I saw her talk to someone who was out of my sight and then it seemed they walked away together.

I sighed and made my way to where I needed to go. That would be the roof. Unfortunately, it didn't seem like I was getting there so easily. They came back. I was grabbed and slammed into the lockers.

"Don't think you can get out of this so easily."

"Leave me alone!" I had enough.

I growled and shoved the girl back. She yelped. The other girl swung at me. I couldn't block it in time. It hit me hard. I stumbled backwards. Fuck. This isn't going in my favor. I don't want to, but I think it's best to run. I can't fight.

I glared at her and then turned and ran. She yelled after me, but I didn't hear any footsteps. She wasn't giving chase. She was probably seeing if her friend was alright.

I ran to the roof. I collapsed to her knees. I hate this. Why can't they leave me alone? What did I do to them? No matter how many people are nice to me, there seems to be at least two new enemies I make. It's really taking a toll on me. I can try to pretend I'm okay, but it's hard.

I won't lie. I've considered doing… bad things a few times. No one knows about that. I'd never tell anyone. I know they'd be disappointed in me.

What are those things? Well… I'm sure you thought of at least self-harm as one of the things. I haven't done anything, but I've thought of it a few times. Um… I've been having thoughts of ways I could die. I don't think these thoughts are normal. I know it's a normal reaction to just think those things randomly, but these are a lot deeper than just curiosity.

I don't want to tell anyone about those things. Even if they are just thoughts, I know they'd be worried. There's actually more. There's one thing I've actually done. I might've secretly started drinking. Don't ask how I got alcohol. I have my way. I've been considering smoking as well. I haven't tried that yet, but I'm tempted.

I know, I'm a mess. I know I should tell. I'm scared. I don't know how they'd react. That's the problem. I just worry they'll react badly and they'll leave me. I sighed. Why am I so bad at opening up about anything? I need to find a way to be more open. They always treat me well whenever I do tell them things. But, my mind tells me this time will be different.

"Ran?"

I shot up. Tsugumi was here. Why?

"H-hey…" I stammered.

"What's wrong?" Tsugumi asked.

"N-nothing."

"Are you still being bullied?"

"Maybe…" I mumbled.

"Do you wanna come over?" Tsugumi asked.

I don't know. I'm allowed to come over to their houses now. That was all dealt with a while ago. Do I want to? I'll just make her worry more if I don't, right? I guess I should agree.

I nodded, "Sure."

I stood up. Tsugumi smiled and held out a hand. I took it and we headed down. We didn't speak while we were walking. I'm hoping she won't ask too much about what happened. I don't want her to know how bad it's gotten. They just think they're just saying things. They don't know about the physical stuff that started happening.

We made it to her house. We went up to her bedroom. We sat on her floor on pillows.

"So… how are you doing?" Tsugumi asked me.

"I'm still here."

"Are you having problems?"

Oh. Probably shouldn't have said that. I think I made her worried. How do I fix this? There had to be something I can do.

"Just the normal…" I said, "I'm just getting sick of it."

"Is there anything that we could do to help?" Tsugumi asked.

"No… if the school won't listen to me, why would they listen to you."

"Huh? They aren't listening when you complain?" Tsugumi stared at me in shock.

I'm not doing very good here, am I? I keep telling her stuff I've been keeping a secret. But, I kinda feel like I can trust her.

"Yeah…" There's nothing I can say to avoid it.

"I'm sorry… it must suck."

"It does…" I nodded.

"Ran? Um… I have something I've been wanting to tell you." Tsugumi stammered.

"What is it?" I was glad for a conversation change. At least, I think it is.

"I… I like you!"

"Eh?" Don't tell me, she likes me like the others do?

"I… I've had a crush on you for a while." Tsugumi mumbled.

"I see…" I sighed.

"You don't like me like that?"

I quickly shook my head, "It's not that! It's just… you aren't the first…"

"Eh? Who else?" Tsugumi was shocked.

"Um… Tomoe told me that… then Moca… and Himari too…" I mumbled.

"Oh… everyone likes you?"

"Apparently. I never really gave an answer." I shrugged.

"I'm gonna ask them about it."

"Okay?"

"Anyway… um, anything else you want to talk about?" Tsugumi mumbled shyly.

"Maybe…" I kinda want to tell her. I think she is probably the best to confide in.

"What's up?"

I hesitated. Am I really going to tell her? This could end badly for me.

"Well… the bullying has been getting worse…" I admitted, "They've gotten physical recently."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Tsugumi asked in worry.

"I didn't want you guys to worry…"

"You need to tell us these things!" Tsugumi stated.

"Sorry…"

"Anything else?"

"I… I don't have the best coping methods…"

"Ran… you need to stop hiding. We will help you." Tsugumi frowned.

I don't know what to say. Should I continue or just leave it as is? Will she let me?

"I'm sorry… I just feel like I'm relying on you guys too much." I said. That's true. I feel like I bother them with my problems too much.

"That's not true. We're always here to help you."

"I know… I'm sorry…"

"You are apologizing too much." Tsugumi said.

"I always am…"

"So, what are you doing to cope?"

Looks like she won't let me just leave it as is.

"Promise me you won't tell anyone."

"I… I can't promise that. If it's bad, I can't just sit back." Tsugumi stated.

"Then I'm not saying anything." I crossed my arms.

"Ran… please?" Tsugumi pleaded.

"No."

"Then I'll tell them what you told me." Tsugumi threatened.

"N-no…"

"Ran, please? I just am worried."

"I've started drinking, okay? Happy now?" I raised my voice in frustration.

Tsugumi winced. Right. She doesn't like when people yell.

I sighed and lowered my voice, "Please don't tell anyone."

"That's not good… you shouldn't-"

"I know!" I growled, "I know it's bad! I don't care!"

"Ran…"

"I… I'm sorry…"

I feel bad I made her upset. I'm just frustrated. I hate this.

"I'm sorry I asked you…"

"Look… I don't know what to do… I just want it to stop…"

"Let's talk to everyone tomorrow and figure out what we can do, okay? I promise I won't mention this part to them." Tsugumi suggested.

"Thank you…" That's a relief.

"Is that all you're doing?" Tsugumi seemed hesitant to ask.

"Yeah… um… I bought cigarettes… but I haven't used them."

"Please don't."

"I'll try." I promised.

"Are you thinking of doing anything bad?"

"Yeah… it's fine, though. I promise I won't do anything." I don't need her to worry more.

"Okay. Just, please tell someone if that changes."

"I will." I'll try to, but I don't know if that'll happen.

"Okay. Thank you." Tsugumi smiled.

Well, I actually told someone. That's a rare thing. Maybe this can be the start of me doing this more often? I know it hurts them all when I hide my feelings. I don't like hurting them. But, I feel like I'm going to hurt them more.