Lyrics to It's a Long Way to the Top by Paganini (1987)
On a warm spring afternoon, Lemy Loud stood alone in his bedroom. He reached behind his head, untied his bandanna, and looked at it. Sweat soaked and sun beaten, it looked like shit. Plus, the cowskull design on the front...it was cool when he was ten, but now that he was three weeks from turning fourteen...it was kinda gay.
This bandanna meant a lot to him. His mother gave it to him a long time ago and he cherished it. But...and maybe he was weird...it symbolized the old Lemy to him, the Lemy who was sad, mopey, and cucked, the Lemy who only existed as a punchline, the Lemy who was endlessly and unfavorably compared to his father.
A lot had changed in the past year, and you know what?
That Lemy was dead and a new Lemy had taken his place, a better Lemy, a Lemy who was happier, more well-rounded, and not the pariah of his family. Things were different now, and the bandanna...the bandana had to go.
He opened the top drawer, sat the bandanna in, and closed it.
Nothing exists in stasis. Change comes along whether you want it to or not. You can shove your head in the sand and hold onto filaments of the past, but sooner or later, every character develops, every setting changes, and every story reaches its end. There are a lot of people out there who resist change. They fear it. They fight against it. They want things to stay the same forever. They impede progress and stand in the way of advancement. Those people are sad, frightened little creatures who can't adapt.
Lemy was not one of them.
He embraced change.
Change was good.
And so was diversity. He had the best of all worlds with Gwen, Loan, Leia, Lupa, and Lizy. Some people want the same thing every day, day after day, for years, but not him. Maybe I'm not made for monogamy. Maybe I'm schizophrenic. Maybe I'm a weirdo for not liking one thing and one thing only. My tastes are eclectic, what can I say? I like horror and romance; rain and sun; hard and soft; fast and slow. I'm a walking contradiction and I'm okay with that.
You have to accept who you are and go from there.
And I am Lemy Loud, a sister-fucking, radio-fxing, rock-loving GOD.
LMAO XD
Downstairs, he dropped onto the couch next to his father. There was none of the tension that had marked their relationship before, none of the quiet resentment or muted disgust. It took Lemy a while but he chilled out and accepted his father just as he had accepted himself. Like him, Dad was kind of a mess, but in a good way. "Hey, Dad," he said, "what'cha watching?"
"I dunno, some movie," Dad said and yawned. "What are you up to?"
"Me and the girls are going to the park. You wanna come with?"
Dad thought for a minute. "I'm gonna have to pass. Lori's been riding my ass about taking her out. Hey...where would you go if you really wanted to show one of your girls you loved them?"
"Downtown," Lemy said.
He and Dad both laughed. "Well, duh, I'm gonna go down on her later, but I mean to eat."
I can keep this going, but he's my old man, I'll let him off the hook. "There's that new German-Chinese place on Rosemont."
Dad's face lit up. "Hey, I forgot about that place. Is it good?"
"I dunno, I haven't been. I hear it's supposed to be, like, three stars."
Dad winced. "Oooh, that's expensive."
Hmmm. "There's not much else."
"I'll think of something," Dad said.
While they were talking, Leia, Gwen, and Lupa had come in and stood in front of them. 'Hey," Dad said. "You guys going to the park?"
Gwen, beaming, held something out to Lemy. He leaned forward…
...and froze.
A positive pregnancy test.
Dad's brows shot up and Lemy's head spun.
Leia, smiling devilishly, pulled out her own pregnancy test. "Me too," she said.
Lupa held something out.
A lit cigarette.
"Whoops."
She held something else out.
Aw, Jesus, it was positive too.
Lemy opened his mouth, but no words would come. Hell, no thoughts came either. Have you ever seen old test footage of nuclear bomb blasts? The ones where the force of the explosion literally blows everything away, even the topsoil?
That was Lemy.
Dad's mouth fell open and then he snapped it closed again. "Well," he said, "looks like we have, uh, four -"
Upstairs, Leni squeed. "I'M PREGNANT!"
"- Five babies on, uh, on the way." He flashed a nervous smile.
"Make that six."
Lyra stood in the threshold to the dining room, her head down. "And Lemy's not the father."
Dad blinked. "Who is?"
"I don't know…"
For a moment, Dad just stared at her, then he laughed so hard tears rolled down his eyes. "Oh, my God. This is ridiculous." He massaged his temples and looked at Lemy.
Five kids.
Five kids.
"I'm never gonna financially recover from this," he muttered.
Lemy's harem, minus Loan and Lizy, mobbed him and swept him into a big group hug. As bowled over as he was, he was happy too.
Five kids.
Wow.
Just…
Wow.
He looked at the fourth wall. "You know, my life started off as BS, but now...it's, well, still BS. Bitchin' Success" He pumped his fist and sneered like Billy Idol.
Freeze frame.
It's a long way to the top
It's a long way to the top
Still freeze frame.
I've been up I've been down I've being kicked and pushed around
I've seen heaven I've seen hell I've been rocking since my ass was ten
Fade to black.
Been out in Hollywood, Tokyo, heard my music on the radio
Been locked up out in the streets with a bunch of people just like me
A selection of scenes play, each depicting future events.
Lincoln sits in a straight back kitchen chair with his head down and his forearms resting on his knees. Tears stand in his eyes. "It was the worst thing I could have done, but I didn't know what else to do. Your hormones were going crazy and...and you needed me. I was stupid enough, though, to not realize that sometimes, the hardest thing to do is the right thing."
His daughters sit around him in a big circle. Lisa, in a chair of her own, jots something down onto a clipboard.
"I hurt you girls more than I helped you," he says, beginning to cry in earnest, "and I'm sorry."
They all look at each other, then down at their laps, shame in their eyes because they knew that they weren't innocent either. It takes two to tango and if their relationship with their father had suffered, they were partly to blame.
Lyra was the first to get up, walk over, and hug him. Lupa was the second, Soon, they all crowded around and shared a big, tearful group hug. It wouldn't be easy getting back on track, but they were all determined.
They would.
And eventually, they did.
Hey hey hey don't come easy hey hey hey
It's a long way to the top
It's a long way to the top
It's a long way to the top
It's a long way...
Lemy stands at Loan's bedside as she gives birth. Her feet are in metal stirrups and she pants for air. Lori and Lincoln stand proudly on the other side, Lincoln with his arm around Lori's shoulders. Loan winces in pain and crushes Lemy's hand, making him scream. "You are never touching me again," she hisses through her teeth.
Lori smiled and turned to Lincoln. "I remember telling you the same thing."
The baby is born four hours later, a little girl, because of course it was a girl. Lemy held her in his arms and cried like a little bitch.
They named her Lora.
Mama can't help, daddy don't care, friends are gone when it's tough out there
Gwen sits on the couch and plays a happy game of peekaboo with a little brown haired boy about one. Every time she removes her hands from her face, he laughs. Leia comes in holding a little girl with a single tuft of blonde hair in the middle of her head. "Where's Lyra?" she asks.
"Upstairs," Gwen says, then goes back to her game. "Where's Gavin?" she coos. "Where did he go?"
Leia goes upstairs and opens the door to Lyra's bedroom. Lyra lays face down on the bed, snoring, while her octuplets - all eight of them - dance, jump, and run around the room.
Yeah, no. Nevermind.
Leia closes the door and leaves.
Got knocked down, got back up, ain't nobody gonna make me stop
Leni sits down on the edge of her bed with a tube of lipstick in her hand and applies it to someone offscreen. "Hold still," she says, "you'll look totes pretty when I'm done." She plasters her tongue to her upper lip in determination, then sits back. "You are adorable."
The camera pans back to reveal a boy about eight sitting on a chair, his hands in his lap. He has long blonde hair and luscious eyelashes and is dressed in a flowing purple shirt, hot pants, and flip flops. He looks at himself in the mirror and smiles. "I am," he lisps appreciatively.
"That's mommy's little Lyle," Leni says and pinches his cheek.
"Do you think Daddy will fuck me now?"
Leni grimaces. "Uh...I don't think Lemy…"
A look of bitter disappointment crosses Lyle's face.
"Maybe," Leni lies.
I got drunk, I got high, messed around with girls who were not mine
Lincln, older and sporting a mustache, reclines in his armchair, asleep. A giant group of kids, boys, girls, and Lyle, cluster around him, the smaller ones climbing on him and giggling with glee. He opens one eye, smiles, and closes it again. "Wake up, Grandpa," a little girl who looks like Lizy says.
"Grandpa's asleep," he says.
The little girl's eyes widen, and she turns around to sush her siblings. "Shhh, guys, Grandpa's asleep."
I've been hurt deep inside, I am a rebel and I pay the price
Lemy, with short hair and wearing gray overalls, sits on the couch next to his father. Lemy is roughly thirty and Lincoln is roughly fifty-five. "Remember when I was a kid," Lemy said, "and I didn't have fifteen children?"
"Yeah," Lincoln.
"I really wish I spent more time sleeping back then instead of crying about my life."
Lincoln nodded. "Yeah. Me too."
In seconds, both are asleep and snoring.
Hey hey hey don't come easy hey hey hey
It's a long way to the top
A wispy teenage girl with brown hair and a boy with a brown bowl cut stand outside a closed door, looking worried. "I think it's a ghost," the girl says.
"I dunno, I think someone's dying," the boy says.
A moan drifts out, and they exchange a glance. The girl, a little braver than her brother, opens the door and sticks her head in, then closes it and flutters her hand to her chest. "Whew."
"What is it?" the boy asks.
"Just Mom and Aunt Lizy having sex again."
"Oh," the boy says.
An awkward silence passes. "Wanna 69?" the boy asks.
The girl reaches under her dress and wiggles out of her panties. "Let's go."
It's a long way to the top
It's a long way to the top
Lemy, middle aged and dressed in a suit, stands in the middle of one of his many electronic outlets. He's fat, has a bad combover, and looks like he has gas, but he's rich. Very, very rich.
"Hey, fuckface."
His smile falls.
Yo, I haven't heard that name in years.
He turns, and a tall, slender Hispanic woman stands behind him. With sunkissed skin, ruby red lips, and one hell of a rack, she's gorgeous.
"J-Juicy?"
"That's me."
Holy shit, the last time he saw her, she weighed a good 650.
"Wow, you look great. What are you doing here?"
"My husband and I are getting a new TV." She looks around. "There he is."
A six foot tall dinosaur in sunglasses and a bandana tied like Pac's walks out from behind a display of TVs. "Yo, this place wack," he said, "they ain't got shit like I want."
It's a long way to the top
It's a long way to the top
Lemy, gray and in a tux, walks Lora down the aisle. She is dressed in white with a veil covering her face. Her husband - a non Loud for once - smiles at her from the altar. Lemy hands her over and goes to sit with Gwen, Leia, Lupa, Lizy, and Loan, all older now, their age showing in their faces and graying hair. He sniffes and rubs a tear from his eyes. "Don't be a bitch," Loan says. "Stop crying."
Tears roll down her cheeks, and it isn't clear if she's talking to Lemy or to herself.
It's a long way to the top
It's a long way, oh such a long way
Lemy, in a white polo and black slacks, sits in the grass next to a gravestone, his knees drawn to his chest. His gray hair whips in the warm, summery wind and his eyes glisten with tears. "Everyone's doing fine," he says. "Lora and Brad had their baby. It's a boy." He chuckles. "They named him Kevin. Can you believe that? I know we ran out of L names fifteen years ago, but come on." He shakes his head. "Gavin and Grace both found someone, but they're still really close. Gracie's pregnant and I hope to God it's not his. The incest babies have to stop somewhere, you know? It's not good for the genes."
He shifts his weight. "Everyone else is pretty much the same. Gwen's breast cancer is in remission and Lupa finally quit smoking, but her cough still sounds really bad. Lizy and Loan are good too. Not much has changed there."
His phone vibrates and he digs it out of his pocket.
A text.
From his niece Lyah, Lyra's daughter. "That's Lyah," he says, "she needs a ride to soccer practice,"
He gets to his feet and looks down at the grave. "I'll be back next week," he says and lays his hand on the rough stone. "Love you, Dad."
Blinking away an errant tear, Lemy turns around…
...and walks away.
And that's it. I feel like this is a story I should really post a big, long wall of text about, 'Cest Kids style, but tbh, I have nothing to say but thank you to all of you who've stuck with me through false starts and even falser finishes. I appreciate it and I hope to see you again sometime.
- Flagg