Hailey's POV
I wake up just as the sun eases its way into the room, first glimmer along the one windowsill, then a growing streamer of light over the floor. I roll on my back and groan. For the past couple of weeks morning sickness has been kicking my butt – day and night. I drag myself out of bed and run to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before the first wave of heaves – locking every muscles – making me feel like my body is going to turn inside out. I sit on the floor with my head resting on my knees, as I wait for the miserable feeling to pass.
"Hailey?" I hear from the other side of the door. Jay's voice holds a residual bit of sleepiness in it, making it deeper than usual. "I'm coming in, okay?" I watch him open the door, first seeing his bare feet appear. I look up and he is carrying a glass of water and an ice pack, as he's been doing every morning when nausea hits me. He sits down beside me, putting the ice pack on the back of my neck, soothing the heat the blazes there, causing beads of sweat to pop up on my neck and face.
"Are you okay?" He asks rubbing my back, looking at me with deep concern.
"Never better."
The words are barely out of my mouth when another wave hits me, and I lunge for the toilet again. How can something so small make me feel like I want to die?
Jay strokes the side of my clammy face, pulling my hair back before getting up to get a hair clip to hold it back out of the toilet. After the wave of nausea passes, I lean back against him, as he wipes the sweat away from my face with a cool rag. "Do you want me to call Voight and tell him you won't be in today?"
"No, you aren't keeping me from work that easy," I pant between gags and heaves.
We haven't come clean to Voight yet, and Jay isn't happy about it. In my defense, I'm being safe and staying away from any action without raising suspicion. I promised him I would tell everyone at the end of my first trimester, which to his contentment is today.
"Good thing you have an appointment today," he says. "You haven't been able to keep anything down for over a week now."
"Apparently this normal," I remind him.
"I know." Jay touches my cheek and runs his fingertips across my skin. "Do you think you can get up?
I nod.
"Come on, let's get you off the floor." He gathers me into his arms and slowly lifts me to a standing position. For a moment I wobble like a drunken party girl in four-inch heels. "You good? You're not going to pass out on me are you?" He looks searchingly at my face.
"No," I assure him. "I'm better."
"Okay. I'm going to make you some tea. That seemed to settle your stomach last time."
Jay plants a kiss on my forehead and leaves. I splash cold water on my face, lean over the sink, and draw in long, slow breaths in the hopes of controlling the rocking and rolling going on in my stomach. I look at myself in the mirror and laugh. Thanks to the round-the clock nausea, the pregnancy glow emitting from my face has a greenish hue of radioactive waste.
After a cup of chamomile tea and a half dozen popsicles, the only thing I can stomach, I manage to get myself ready for the day.
"You look beautiful," Jay says, kissing the tip of my nose, then my lips ever so lightly. "We better get going before we are late to your appointment. You good?"
"Yeah, I'm good. Let's do this."
x
"Hailey Upton?" Lisa, Dr. Asher's nurse, stands at the door to the waiting area. Dressed in pink flowered scrubs, she is a beacon of cheer in this drab room. She smiles and motions to Jay and I. "Come on back."
We rise to follow the slender woman down a long, wide hallway. A few open doors give glimpses into examination rooms. The sharp, not unpleasant smell of disinfectant and alcohol teases my nose.
"Sorry about the wait," Lisa apologizes cheerfully as she leads us to the end of the hall. Turning left, she stops in front of a set of doors across from a darkened room filled with equipment. "We got backed up in the ultrasound room this morning and we've just starting to catch up."
"No worries," I tell her. "We didn't wait long."
She opens the door to an examination room. Inside, against the far wall, is a bench with a fold of blue cotton. "Put the gown on with the ties in the front, and wrap the other cloth around your waist. "I will be right back to take your vitals."
I change into the funny looking gown and a few minutes later Lisa comes back and checks my blood pressure, weight, and gives me a cup to pee in. A few minutes later Dr. Asher walks in the examination room, smiling. "Good afternoon, you two."
"Hello, Dr. Asher," we both say.
"How are you doing today?"
"Well, Doctor, Hailey has been constantly throwing up," Jay answers for me. The guy is worried.
"I see from looking over your chart that you have lost a little weight. Although weight loss is common, I want you to keep trying to eat, even when you don't want to. You need make sure your body gets the nutrients it needs."
"What about the baby?" Jay chimes in again before I get the chance.
"Well, the baby will take what it needs from mom. That's why it's important for mom to take care of herself. "
"I will make sure of that," Jay reassures the doctor, giving my knee a gentle squeeze.
Every day I get a small glimpse of Jay as a dad. He is taking all of the doctor's comments, obviously memorizing them with a determined expression which I think is adorable.
Dr. Asher gives me a hard look and adds, "And I hope you're staying safe, Hailey. No more chasing bad guys."
"I'm being safe. I promise."
Dr. Asher smiles approvingly. "Climb on up here. Let's have a look at the little one."
"Will the baby even show up?" I ask. I'm not showing. No sign of a baby bump yet.
"I don't see why not. These ultrasound machines should pick up the baby even if it's the size of a button."
I climb onto the padded table and lay back on the inclined rest. "A little cold," the doctor warns and I flinch when she squirts the cold gel on my belly. Jay takes my hand in his and gently rubs his thumbs across my skin. I can feel him get a little tense, a little excited.
The doctor places a wand over my belly and begins to move it back and forth across my abdomen. I hold very still, but I reckon the baby can't be happy with all this prodding. Then a static sound fills the room. It sounds faint at first, just like nothing, and then all of a sudden it grows strong. It blips loud and clear. Thump-a. Thump-a. Thump-a. Thump-a.
"Is that…?" I ask.
Dr. Asher tilts her head and smiles. "That's your baby's heartbeat."
My baby's heartbeat. It's the sweetest, most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my entire life. I listen hard to the rhythm, trying to memorize it, trying to empty everything else in my head so that I can hold only to this sound.
"T-That's fast," Jay notes.
"It's a nice strong heartbeat. Very, very healthy."
Dr. Asher leaves the wand in place while she counts the beats and then moves it away. She turns a few knobs and pushes a few buttons, while moving the wand on my stomach. She turns the monitor in our direction, circling the pointer on the screen. "There it is. "
At first all I can see are fuzzy white pixels against black, like an unfocused photograph of outer space. But then a grey mass appears on the screen and slowly I begin to make-out the perfect silhouette of our baby.
"Looks like you're measuring perfectly at twelve weeks," she says. "The arms and legs," she explains, pointing. "Good spine and the heart is developing very well."
Words cannot explain how I am feeling inside; the joy, the happiness in me is very overwhelming. I raise the back of my hand to my mouth and exhale in awe. "That's a baby," I mumble, with a smile that can hardly be wiped off my face. But never mind me, or how I feel. Out of the corner of my eye I see Jay completely dumbfounded. Euphoria spills out of him, a laugh, a smile – and then our eyes meet, misty, both of us sort of overcome with something deeper than excitement.
Jay hugs me and I feel the world tilt. We both stare at the tiny silhouette on the screen, unable to take out eyes off it. He leans right over my belly, which is glistening with that clear gel smear, and says, "Holy shit, Hailey." He chuckles, his throat tight with emotion. "There's a real baby in there."
He kisses me, lingering a little longer than is appropriate. I sniff and wipe the tears from my face. "Yes," I agree, like we just had a clear meeting of the minds.
This might not be what either of us envisioned for the immediate future, but it is the reality.
I'm going to be a mom.
Jay's POV
We leave the doctor's office and Hailey sits in the passenger seat in a trance-like state of shock. I am overjoyed, excited and a bit shocked too. Seeing our baby today gave me the biggest adrenaline rush of my life, and that's saying something. I take my eyes off the road for a second to look at her. "Are you okay?"
"A little shell-shocked," she confesses. Despite her shock, a beautiful slow smile spreads across Hailey's face. God, I hope our kid has her smile. "There is a human growing in here. Obviously, I've known this, but it just became real, real."
"It's pretty mind blowing." I bring her fingers to my lips and kiss her knuckles. "We need to tell Voight," I remind her. I just want Hailey and the baby to be as safe, and the longer we wait, the risker it is.
"We will," she promises. "We can tell him as soon as we get to work."
However, on the way to the district we are called to do to a search warrant at a warehouse. Despite this being a routine task, I can't help but worry. Ever since we've found out, I can't get my head in the game when she's around because her and the baby take up all the space.
After we are debriefed on the operation, I pull our Kevlar vest from the trunk and help her put it on. "Stay back, okay?" I tell her. "If something—"
"—Nothing's going to happen." Her palm comes up to rest on my chest. "The place looks empty. I will be okay."
We get in formation by the entrance, while Hailey and Kim go around the back. We announce our office, and when there's no response, Voight commands, "Take it off the hinges," and Kevin breaks through the door. We quickly spread around the warehouse clearing the space. It seems deserted. Empty shelves add to the vacant, lifeless, abandoned ambiance of the place. As we inch further inside, we are met with nothing but silence –the entire floor is basically empty save for some broken up work areas along the walls.
"What are we looking for?" Ruzek calls out.
"This is supposed to be a stash house," Rojas replies. "My CI saw major activity coming in and out of here."
"If they were here, it looks like they cleaned house," I gather. "Maybe someone tipped them off." I go to the back exit and open the door to let Hailey and Kim in, then suddenly the sound of gunfire explodes inside. I instinctively push Hailey back out the door and shut it, locking them both out of the warehouse.
Luckily, the shooting ends as quickly as it started. The offenders are apprehended and the drugs are located and seized. Needless to say, Kim is angry with me, and rightly so. From her standpoint, I made a very reckless call, but one I don't regret for a second. I made the decision I needed to make, and I would do the same again. No remorse, or regret. If I could have done it differently, I would have. But this was the only way to keep Hailey safe.
Back at the district I hear Kim going at it with Hailey in the locker room. I take a deep breath and step inside, bracing for impact. Kim turns to me, anger flaring in her eyes. "What the hell was that?" Kim asks. If she was angry before; she is fuming now. "You put the whole team in danger by locking us out of that warehouse!"
I shut the locker room door and lean against the frame. Kim watches me, waiting for an answer. "Look I know I was out of line. It's just…" I hesitate telling her the truth. "I acted on instinct to protect Hailey. She's—"
Kim stifles a scoff. "I shouldn't have to remind you to keep your personal life out of the job! You're lucky nothing—"
"Kim, Hailey is pregnant. I heard the gunshots and didn't think. Just acted. I'm sorry."
Kim looks between Hailey and I in shock. She doesn't say anything, just looks at us, her gaze roving over our faces, searching for what, I don't know. But slowly her anger seems to drain. "You serious?"
"Twelve weeks," Hailey says, her voice low and controlled. "We haven't told anyone, except for Will."
"Look Kim, we didn't think things were going down the way they did today. Had we known, Hailey wouldn't have been there."
Kim opens her mouth, but nothing comes out.
"Don't worry," Hailey adds, "We are telling Voight. What happened today, won't happen again."
"Uh, yeah, I get it." Kim finally finds her voice. She smiles, but there is a sadness there. "Congratulations, guys." She stands there for a quick second, then adds, "I got some paper work I have to do," before she beelines out the door.
"Kim," Hailey calls after her, but it's no use.
Hailey plops down on a bench and I join her, an uneasy feeling lingers heavy in the air.
"I didn't want her to find out like this," Hailey sighs. "Out of everyone, Kim was the last person to ambush with this news. It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to tell Ruzek."
"Yeah." I reach over and put my arms around her, pulling her to me. I kiss her hair, breathing in her scent. "I didn't understand their loss," I whisper, feeling my chest tighten. I gulp down a lump in my throat and say, "I do now."
Hailey leans her head my shoulder. "So," she says, her voice small. "What do we do now?"
"We tell Voight."
She sighs. "Okay, let's get it over with it."
Hailey's POV
I find Kim later that night sitting alone at Molly's, nursing a half-empty bottle. I take the vacant seat next to her and when the bartender comes over I ask for an ice water and a glass of whiskey for her.
She turns to me with a raised eyebrow. "Whiskey?"
"We always have good talks over whiskey," I say.
She smiles, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes.
The bartender returns minutes later with our drinks. We sit in silence and in the background, plates clatter, voices rise and fall, and occasional laughter breaks out and around the small bar. I actually don't know what to say. Every sentence I formulate in my head seems empty and self-serving. The truth is that there aren't words that can ever ease Kim's loss.
"We told Voight," I begin. "He was surprisingly supportive. I'm behind a desk now, effective immediately."
"It's not that bad," she says, staring down at her fingers, which are laced together. "You'll miss the action, for sure, but your priorities shift – and it already has. You weren't even phased when Jay shut that door today. You didn't want to be inside that warehouse."
"Yeah," I nod. "I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything. But the exhaustion and the constant puking hasn't help the process."
Kim chuckles. "Yeah. The term morning sickness is very deceptive."
"Right? It should be all day sickness," I sigh. "It sort started late in my first trimester, but hopefully it should wane now that I entered my second."
"It didn't for me, just a heads up."
"Ugh," I groan and lower my head on the bar.
"You know what helped me? Peanut butter. A spoonful always settled my stomach. But not the cheap kind. The organic one with all the frills."
"Thanks. I will keep that in mind."
After a beat Kim says, "How's Jay handling this?"
"Well, you saw what happened today. That's how he is handling it."
Kim smiles knowingly. "Yeah, I know how that goes. Adam actually proposed to me."
Adam is a solid guy, loyal to a fault, sometimes to the point of fault. He would want to do right by Kim. "I'm not surprised."
Kim takes a sip from her cup and nods. "Adam's parents aren't together and I think he didn't want that for his kid." She sighs and runs a hand over her hair. "But it wasn't meant to be, so..."
Her voice falters – the pain is still there, still raw. I know firsthand that time doesn't heal wounds. At best, time can dull memories, but will not heal anything. "I'm sorry, Kim," I offer wholeheartedly. "And I'm sorry we dropped this on you today. We didn't mean to ambush you."
She shakes her head dismissively. "It's okay. I'm really happy for you and Jay. You guys have been through a lot in the past year. It's only fitting that you guys catch a break."
I smile. "Thank you. It means a lot."
Kim raises her glass and I raise mine. "To Intelligence's newest recruit."
I smile. "To Intelligence's newest recruit."
Thank for reading. Sort of slowly taking Hailey and Jay through the nuts and bolts of parenthood. Hope everyone is safe and healthy. Cheers, D.