To Menamai: Stop reading ahead.
Here's how the brainstorming for this chapter went: "So, if Chat Noir can purr like a cat, then does that mean he also has other cat qualities like a... oh fuck..."
Memory 3
MOVIE NIGHT
By: Adrien "Chat Noir" Agreste
Good evening, Bugaboo!
I recently realized I never told you about our match with Gigantitan as well as some Akumas from what feels like ages ago.
Gigantitan
This Akuma had me a little worried, M'Lady. I never thought Hawkmoth could be so cruel as to Akumatize a baby. You were convinced that it was a meowstake and that Hawkmoth was a bumbling fool who doesn't know how to be a bad guy, but I'm not so sure.
So, anyway, I was out on the town, doing as normal average people whose lives aren't constantly monitored and controlled do and modeling in a photoshoot. Sorry, my hand slipped, what I meant to write was I was playing hopscotch. That's a game normal people of my age play, right? (Note to self: research what outdoor games the commoners play.) I was just about to beat my hopscotch high score when all of a sudden a baby transformed into the giant you and I faced last week. Gigantitan was really harmless and just wanted to play and eat candy. You had the bold plan of luring the Akuma under the Eiffel Tower and then caging him in with your yo-yo. It worked until Gigantitan got cranky and collapsed the tower and sent me flying.
I crash-landed on Andre Glacier's ice cream cart. I thought he'd be angry about the destruction of his means of income but he was strangely more concerned about the "roots in my heart" (whatever that means). He was flabbergasted that they were "gone" and that his "revenge on MaREDACTED was being sabotaged." He tried to give me an ice cream cone. I had no idea what he was talking about or why he'd reward me but I'm never one to turn down free ice cream. Unfortunately, I had already primed my Cataclysm and the delicious treat crumbled to ashes in my hand before my first taste. I thanked him for his generosity and raced back to help you, LB. By the time I got there, you were in Gigantitan's sticky clutches and he was about to take a gummy bite out of you!
Thankfully you were saved at the last second by a group of brave civilians who I later found out are the close-knit group of friends of my Number One Fan. I'm not entirely sure what girls do together as friends (I assume they get foot massages, do each other's hair, maybe harshly criticize each other to the point of drawing tears), but these girls called themselves the "Adrinette Task Force" for some reason. No clue what an Adrinette is. Could it be an acronym or an anagram (Intreated? Air tented? Rat End Tie?)? I'm sure it's just a fun inside joke they turned into their club name.
Anyway, thanks to the Adrinette Task Force, you were freed and were able to enact your master plan of tricking Gigantitan into choking on a lamp post. The distraction worked and you were able to save the day once again. (Side note: Is it normal for mothers to refer to their baby as their husband who has been cursed by an old gypsy woman into the form of a toddler until they do 101 good deeds? Because that's what the baby's mother said when we gave her son back to her.)
And I left to resume my hopscotch high score breaking streak. As I did, I happened to see my Number One Fan. I offered her a ride home. Whoops, sorry, hand slipped again, I should really stop writing these in pen. I meant to write that Adrien Agreste (never met him) offered her a ride home, like a true friend. She seemed unsure at first (probably had somewhere to be) but then, for whatever reason, the Adrinette Task Force picked her up and threw her in Adrien Agreste's car. I'm sure they had a nice relaxing drive across Paris as good friends. (Although, she did scream NO at several points and make this dopey smile over and over)
Syren
Let me start off with an apology, Bugaboo. I was acting like a complete jerk this day. It was just that you were clearly keeping secrets from me about the other Miraculous, the true identities of Carapace and Rena Rouge and the mysterious Guardian of the Miraculous. I was fed up with being kept in the dark and I took it out on you.
You could say I was having a hissy fit. (Because cats hiss)
I was using my day productively and certainly not trying to bribe Plagg into spilling what he knew about what you were hiding when my room started to flood! At first, I thought my Father GabREDACTED had left the REDACTED waterpark on again, but a quick smell revealed this wasn't pool water. They were tears! This was clearly the doing of an Akuma. I transformed and headed out. By the time we ran into each other, the only dry places in Paris were the rooftops. The city was completely underwater!
You went to track down the Guardian because you believed he could help us. I wasn't allowed to follow you and… well… I'm really ashamed of what happened next, LB, but I swore to tell you the truth. I was so frustrated with not knowing what was going on that I… let myself get captured by the Akuma.
I know. It was stupid and childish. I think I had convinced myself that I could show you how we needed to work as a team by taking myself out of the fight but that only made things harder. Especially when the Akuma, a water breathing fish-girl called Syren, instead of taking me prisoner and using me as leverage decided the best course of action was to hold me underwater until I stopped breathing. Everything went dark and I thought for sure I was a goner.
The next thing I knew, someone was giving me mouth-to-mouth. I certainly did not assume it was you and took the opportunity to deepen the kiss only to discover it was the old Chinese commoner I gave my sanREDACTED. Nope. That did not happen and the inside of his mouth did not taste like moldy feet. After puking for unrelated reasons, the man I now knew as the Guardian gave me a special potion for Plagg which transformed him into Aqua-Plagg! With my new merman form (which, as you previously saw, was just a cat-themed conch shell over my crotch (all the better to show off my chiseled abs and my toned butt)), I joined you to finish off Syren.
Turns out, Syren was a girl named Ondine who has a serious crush on this guy named Kim and she wanted to make him into her forever hubby. All it would take was one kiss and Kim would transform into a merman and they'd live under the sea together forever. I was raring to beat some fishtail but you told me to just wait and watch. As odd as your strategy seemed, I trusted you and did nothing as Syren kissed Kim and magically turned him into a merman!
After the initial jubilations, Kim… well… acted like Kim (pestering about whether or not they could still go see Mecha-Monkeys versus Mega-Shark 3? How exactly does he go to the bathroom with fish legs? Could he still play land sports or would he have to specialize in water polo? Does eating fish count as cannibalism? As her forever hubby merman does this mean Syren is going lay a clutch of eggs (that's the scientific term) and then he releases his fertilizer all over them?). This inquisition went on for a good thirty or so seconds before Syren started screaming and begged Ladybug to make it stop.
You wrapped things up quickly, Bugaboo, and drained the city. Things are actually working out for Ondine, she and Kim are now dating.
The next day, I got an unexpected visit from the Guardian MasterREDACTED, posing as my substitute Chinese tutor. He gave me more magical potions for Plagg and caught me up the best he could on the Kwamis. I'm still hoping we can find common ground with them. Plagg is one of my best friends, I'd hate to go to war with his family. I'm feline so happy to be included in the loop now and my Father really seems to get along with MasterREDACTED. He kept asking about his knowledge of ancient Chinese recipes that were rumored to have magical benefits and the secrets to unlocking unlimited power and then laughing sinisterly. My Father can be so weird.
Prime Queen
This Akuma had to be months ago. I can't believe I forgot to tell you about it, M'Lady. We had an exciting live interview with ace news reporter Nadia Chamak! I have absolutely no idea how this got arranged but I wasn't going to let an opportunity to garner more fans slip away. I arrived on set early and eager to chat (get it? (even though Nadia claimed the interview was supposed to be "with Ladybug only" I stuck around for moral support)). You, LB, arrived just in the nick of time for the interview. You looked rather out of breath. I'm sure the actual interview is still online but I wouldn't watch it. It got pretty embarrassing for both of us. Especially when Nadia blindsided us with that picture of you kissing me! (You said it was to free me from Dark Cupid's magical control (I think M'Lady protests too much)) Nadia was really determined to get us to reveal we were dating. I eagerly professed my love, as I usually do, but you… not so much.
You sort of ransacked the studio. A lot. Like, you set the building on fire.
Nadia was so devastated, it was no wonder she got akumatized into Prime Queen (she looked like a character straight out of ReBoot). The dastardly Akuma took my childhood frREDACTED Chloe Bourgeois (never met her) hostage and hijacked a train! She cranked the train to dangerous speeds and trapped us aboard when we came to save Chloe. Now we were the hostages! The only way Prime Queen would let us out was if we admitted we loved each other and that we were dating!
I valiantly made the heroic sacrifice and once again professed my love for all the world to hear, but you quickly shot me down (your tenacity only makes you more beautiful). Prime Queen upped the ante by kidnapping Alya Cesaire (I'm sure you know her from the Ladyblog) and threatened to drown her in the Seine River unless you said that you loved me. Again you refused and even dared Prime Queen to drop Alya in the water. You sold it really well, acting like you couldn't care less about Alya. You even did the classic "good riddance" line. I never doubted you, LB, even when you did nothing but smile evilly as Alya fell in the water, I knew you had a plan. Granted, I don't know why you had to wait until the bubbles stopped to enact your plan, but I trust you, M'Lady.
You suddenly proclaimed that Prime Queen had won and that you'd give her what she wanted. I was totally pawsitive you were pretending when you held me tightly and caressed my cheek as you whispered the sweet words I had dreamed of you saying since the moment I first laid eyes on you and was in no way heartbroken when you added, "play along," under your breath. You then started to sensually unzip my spandex while loudly bragging about how we were totally going to bang on live TV.
Your ruse worked like a charm. When you slipped a hand below my waist, Prime Queen reached through the screen to adjust the censorship rating of her broadcast. You grabbed her arm, ripped her into our room, and beat her into unconsciousness. I had never been more turned on.
So, it all worked out in the end. Nadia even got her prime time slot back with a brand new show idea: Interviews with the Traumatized. It's a show where she interviews the victims of Hawkmoth and his Akumas about the horrors they endured and the endless nightmares that plague their sleepless nights. It's not parasitic or exploitative in the least.
And there's another 3, LB. I'll drop this off at the usual spot and then I'm heading over to my Number One Fan's place for our first ever movie night (I'm sure she has tons of Chat Noir merchandise that she's dying to get me to autograph)!
Love,
AdrREDACTED
Chat Noir
PS - I've included a lock of my hair with this letter so you'll always have a piece of me whenever you're feeling blue.
Marinette finished the strawberry pastry that came with the letter and squinted at the signature.
It looked like someone had scribbled out the original name and wrote in Chat Noir. The dumbass must've accidentally signed his real name, a name she did not want to know. These letters were always strange, filled with various handwriting styles as if there were multiple authors. The strangest style in this letter was the PS. The penmanship was so squiggly and imprecise, it almost made Marinette think the writer had been struggling to hold a human-sized pen with a pair of tiny arm nubs.
She folded the letter before she could read the crossed out parts and stuck the page in her dresser with the rest, ignoring the disturbing tuft of blonde hair taped to the bottom of the paper. It would be useless to lock the windows, she knew that. One way or another Chat Noir was going to barge in here soon to watch movies with his Number One Fan. She needed something to take her mind off the inevitable torture.
Her thoughts drifted back to the letter and its contents, specifically the interview with Nadia Chamak that she couldn't remember. It was so strange. Chat Noir had intentionally avoided writing her a word for word transcription like he was usually eager to give. Now, she was curious. Marinette went online and found the clip.
"So, Ladybug," Nadia said to her pre-recorded hero self, "what would you say draws you romantically to Chat Noir despite his many obvious flaws?"
She saw herself grind her teeth. "I don't—"
"I can answer that!" Chat Noir said, excitedly popping his head over Ladybug's shoulder. "It's my barbed cat claws. Ooh! No, wait, maybe it's my barbed cat tongue. No, it's definitely my barbed cat penis. Has many uses in bed, if you know what I mean. Personally, I can't decide what I love about LB the meowst. Everything about her is amazing. Her feisty temper, her strong right hook, her bootylicious body—"
"Back in your corner!" Nadia spritzed the cat-boy with water until he retreated offscreen. "As I was saying, Ladybug, Chat Noir is considered to be the worst excuse for a hero in the history of mankind."
Marinette saw her broiling rage start to simmer. "Well… I wouldn't say the worst—"
"All of my many secret lovers that my husband doesn't know about all agree, he's useless except for maybe as a distraction or a sacrificial pawn."
"Hey! Chat Noir has actually beaten several Akum—"
"We actually took a poll across Paris, asking people if they preferred you or Chat Noir and the results were staggering."
A bar graph appeared on the screen between them. The bar labeled LADYBUG rose nearly to the top. The second highest bar represented WHO? THE SIDEKICK? I THOUGHT HE WAS A FURRY. And barely showing a sliver at the very end was CHAT NOIR.
"That's her!" Chat Noir proclaimed, jumping into the frame again. He pointed a proud finger at the sliver. "That's my Number One Fan, right there!"
A pair of security guards tackled the cat-boy and dragged him away.
"Despite all of this, Ladybug," Nadia asked, "why do you love Chat Noir?"
Nadia tapped her tablet again and the graph was replaced with a montage of out of context moments in Ladybug and Chat Noir's battles where they were physically close. They were mostly the points in battles where the duo were rolling away from explosions, dodging magical blasts, and being tied together and hung over molten lava. The last image was of Ladybug kissing Chat Noir. An audible gasp echoed around the studio.
"Could I get a copy of that pic?" Chat Noir asked.
"Is it pity?" Nadia pressed on. "I bet it's pity. Say it's pity."
"NO! I DON'T LOVE HIM!" Ladybug rammed a clawed fist through the image. With every word her voice became more ragged, her teeth sharper, her eyes more red and blue. "I ONLY KISSED HIM THERE TO FREE HIM FROM AN AKUMA! YES, CHAT NOIR MESSES UP! BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET (TO RIP ON HIM! THAT'S MY JOB!)"
The Beast lifted the couch with Nadia still sitting in it over its head and chucked the furniture at the camera. The Technical Difficulties card that showed a cartoony image of various Parisians ridiculously running away from black butterflies appeared.
Marinette stopped the video.
"Yeah..." Tikki said by her side. "I'm sure you have a lot of questions about the whole, 'rawr, destroy you all,' thing. To be honest, I'm not so sure myself. I think Duusu might've gotten inside your head at some point and left a little something behind. Before you ask, yes, you should be worried."
But Marinette wasn't listening. She had scrubbed back to the graph. That tiny thin thimble was hardly noticeable compared to the Ladybug tower and yet Chat Noir beamed at it with such determination and pride, ready to fight the world even if he had only one person on his side.
Marinette went to her TV without a word. She didn't make a sound even when Chat Noir vaulted in with a truck's worth of popcorn.
"Who's ready for movie night, Princess?" he sang. From the popcorn, he produced a stack of blu-rays that nearly reached the ceiling. "I know you said you wanted to watch a rom-com but I didn't know which one or the traditional amount of movies friends are supposed to watch in a single night so I bought them all." He uncapped a cat-themed marker and said, "So, what can I cat-o-graph for you tonight, my Number One Fan?"
For a while, there was no response. Chat Noir waited for the merchandise, holding his best power pose.
"You're a good person, Chat Noir."
The cat-boy flinched. He looked at Marinette but she was already digging through the stack of movies. She made no sign of having said anything. Maybe she didn't. Maybe he imagined it. What he didn't imagine was the ever so slight change in the mood. When he had visited before, Chat Noir had sensed Marinette was always panicking, no doubt from seeing her favorite superhero in the spandex covered flesh. Tonight, though, the air was calm. Marinette was calm. For the first time, Chat Noir felt Marinette was comfortable around him.
WHOOMPH!
A glowing portal tore open in the back of the room! A hoodie-wearing villain tumbled through and spraypainted a design on Marinette's wall. Seconds later, some pink-haired woman dressed as a bunny-themed superhero jumped through the portal.
"Hold still, Timetagger!" she ordered and took a swipe at him with her umbrella.
WHOOMPH!
The spraypainted design became another portal and Timetagger said, "Catch me if you can, Bunnix!" before jumping through.
"Don't call me that! I'm the Pink Devil!" she roared and gave chase.
Chat Noir stared wide-eyed at the still glowing portals. "Maybe I should take care of..." he started to say, but then he saw the movie Marinette had chosen was already rolling its opening credits. His Number One Fan was in her chair, seemingly undisturbed by the intruders. She patiently patted the seat next to her.
Chat Noir slowly took it.
Behind them, Chat Noir heard the fight rage on with more and more portals tearing open in Marinette's bedroom.
WHOOMPH! WHOOMPH! WHOOMPH! WHOOMPH! WHOOMPH! WHOOMPH! WHOOMPH! WHOOMPH! WHOOMPH! WHOOMPH! WHOOMPH! WHOOMPH! WHOOMPH! WHOOMPH! WHOOMPH! WHOOMPH! WHOOMPH!
"It's getting a little bright in here with all those glowing portals," he said uncertainly.
Marinette turned off the lights.
No more portals tore open but there was now a constant loud thumping and grunting of the hero and villain destroying the room as they duked it out behind them. There was the crack of wood and the crunch of drywall both Chat Noir and Marinette were very familiar with. The boy was tempted to turn and look but the girl kept her steady gaze on the TV.
"You know," Chat Noir said, "I could probably get them to take their fight outside." He tried to get up.
Marinette put a staying hand on his shoulder and shook her head. He sat. The fight continued.
"Did you, uh..." He hesitated as the Pink Devil piledrived Timetagger through a toilet. "Did you say I'm a good person earlier?" Chat Noir asked.
"Ugh," Marinette groaned as Timetagger blinded the Pink Devil with paint. "You actually want to be a hero. You keep trying no matter how much you fuck up. You fight even when nobody cares about you. So, yes, you're a good person. I'm not going to repeat myself."
The Pink Devil tackled Timetagger out a window and after the broken glass finished raining in the streets, they could finally hear the movie. But Chat Noir wasn't watching the screen. He was grinning the widest, goofiest grin he could muster at his Number One Fan.
"You're a good person too, Princess," he said and passed her the popcorn.
END
You gotta love subtle foreshadowing. Subtle. SUBTLE! SUBTLE! SUBTLE!