This one feels like a bit of a filler chapter for me. But, I do like the convo with Sturgis. I hated that the "I'm in love with him" never went anywhere on the show, it was so pointless to have him be so nosy for what?
I am also not a fan of Diane. I wrote her badly in another story and that keeps on here. I kinda see Harm being infatuated with her and she strings him along.
Next chappie H and M will bump into each other out of work when he returns.
CHAPTER 20 - Love Letters
Mac lay in bed eyeing the two letters she had yet to read. After pulling herself out of the tub she'd decided to set those aside as if it were a game to see how long she could go before curiosity set in. It hadn't taken her long to drop into the mattress and tear open the ledge of the next envelope. There was his endearment again but the rest of the words made that apprehension set in again. It was bound to happen, at some point they had to talk about that night again. That was when everything began to spiral.
Dearest Mac,
I woke up thinking about that night. And I want to ask for your forgiveness again. I should have stopped you from going back to him. I should have walked into Chegwidden's home with you and confessed that I loved you.
What would come next, I don't know. I've thought about it over and over and I just don't know. Would I be with you? Would I lose you anyway? I thought I could fix things if I had the time to think about how to free you from the engagement. I was sure I could figure it out but, I failed you. And all I had left was the memory of that night.
I can still remember every second which felt like time stood still.
On another note, I went to the doctor and got a clean bill of health. Everything is in working order and ready for take off if you get my drift.
When we ever...If we ever...it needs to be on a big, soft bed. I want to feel you moving beneath me and I want to see you. I couldn't really see you well that night. I want to run my hands over your skin, please you like no one has. I want to hear you call my name, make those soft sounds when I move over you.
Please don't think it's only about sex. If it were we'd have done the deed and gotten it over with years ago. It's something I can't put into words.
I've always found you attractive. Sexy. Beautiful. I knew I had feelings for you, I knew they were growing. And I didn't know what to do. The day you put his ring on your left hand I felt desperate. I wanted to tell you to stop. I wanted to tell you so much I just didn't know how. I didn't want to ruin your happiness for mine.
I don't regret kissing you. I don't regret loving you. I regret the location, you deserved more than that. I regret the outcome, you leaving and my insecure words. I regret spending more time without you. I miss you.
Love,
Harm.
Some of the letter made her blush as she often wondered what it would feel like to be beneath him when they made love. The hard planes of his body pressing and sliding over her softer curves. The sweat on his skin from the strain of holding back until she came. Mac wasn't sure but she figured he'd be the kind of guy that would make sure a woman was pleased before he was. That need to control things, to be his best would force it to be that way. As would his passion for living.
Sighing, she rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. She didn't want that letter to turn her on but it did anyway. He wanted her, admitted it and dammit she wanted him too. "Oh, Harm."
Deftly she reached for the last letter. This one had a lighter tone not the plea from a man she knew loved her.
My dearest Mac or Sarah,
What do you prefer to be called? You introduced yourself to me as Mac and that's who you've always been. Mic called you Sarah. I'm sorry to bring him up but, he did. To me, you're Mac.
I can count the few times I've called you Sarah. Such a pretty name. But, you're Mac to me, I think you always will be. I hope that is okay and no it doesn't mean my feelings for you will change. Mac and Sarah are one in the same. I love both, equally.
Please don't call me Harmon. I guess you have a time or two in order to admonish me. Mom does the same. No! I am not comparing you to my mother. Harmon. It's my father's name and while I am proud we share it, it makes me feel old. I get enough of that pappy crap whenever I fly no matter how much I prove.
My last letter was a little heavy, so I'm going to try and keep this one light.
I went surfing today. Not sure if I ever told you that I could. It's a California guy thing and absolutely exhilarating. Not as much as going supersonic but it's a rush. But damn, I'm rusty! Took quite a few tries to not fall off. I had a blast! Met up with an old friend from Annapolis who left the Navy to become a surfing instructor. Yes, you read that right! He has his own school and really enjoys it, and doesn't miss the Navy either.
I'm not sure I could ever feel that way about the military but, it was interesting for sure. Anyway, I hope you're reading these and I'm not making a fool out of myself for no reason.
If you haven't noticed, you tie me in knots. Not sure why that is but, you do. It's nerve wracking and I kind of like it.
I hope you're alright. I really want you to be. I miss you. I'm not sure I can say that enough. I miss you. And, in case you need reminding, I love you.
Funny how I can put those words in a letter but telling you in person took all of me. I hope these serve a purpose and that I'm not making an idiot of myself.
Love,
Harm.
"Good morning, Colonel." Sturgis turner smiled at his new coworker noting that for the first time in weeks, the Marine was actually smiling. There was a little less tension in the office that day which offered him some relief and allowed him not to walk on eggshells around the woman. It seemed that any mention of her partner seemed to make her uneasy and he wondered for the millionth time what had happened between them.
Of course, Sarah MacKenzie was a beautiful woman in her own right and his friend was never immune to such beauty. But, the fact that she shared such an uncanny resemblance to an old friend was incredibly unsettling. Unbeknownst to Mac, he'd kept in touch with Harm in the last few weeks although much of the same conversations would spring up: sports, cars and every possible deviation when Sturgis tried to bring up Mac.
It wasn't in his nature to be so intrusive. He'd been brought up better than that but, Sturgis recalled too well the past and that one woman who seemed to want to only toy with Harmon Rabb Jr. He frowned when he thought about Diane Schonke. Her death was quite the tragedy but, why it happened was of no surprise to Sturgis given the way she endlessly flirted with Harm until he all about lost his spot in the academy over her.
During his first few days at JAG he saw the interaction between Harm and Mac, saw how his friend seemed to fall into the same pit and it troubled him. "You look cheerful this morning, Colonel. Well rested as well."
Mac smiled. It was genuine and eased more tension which was a good sign in Sturgis' opinion. "Good morning, Commander. Yeah, I got some much needed sleep. I have bouts of insomnia from time to time. I think I'm a little better now."
"A package came for you. I put it in your office." He motioned to the rather large white box placed on top of her desk and grinned. "Postmark says La Jolla."
"Does it now?" She pushed open her door, flipped on the light and glanced at the package. There wasn't any sender name sprawled across but she knew who had sent it and her stomach did a few flip flops as she tried to imagine what was inside. Carefully she took the box and set it atop of a filing cabinet to the annoyance of one Sturigs Turner who was now standing with his arms folded across his chest.
"You're not going to open it?"
"Not now, no." Definitely not with an audience.
He shifted back and forth and decided to pry a little more. "Harm's in San Diego isn't he? His folks live in La Jolla."
That was all it took for Mac's cheerful demeanor to cease and any friendliness she wished to offer was now full of irritation. Sturgis had been poking around for weeks but the subtle way was easy to brush off. Now, his comment made her turn to face him full on with a look that could kill. "I have no idea where Commander Rabb is, Sturgis. I am not his keeper nor is he mine." That was a blatant lie because the very thing Mac feared was coming to life - the questions about her and Harm that would undoubtedly lead to questions about Mic.
She had done a good job at avoiding the subject of her failed marriage. Harriet had asked a time or too and wisely realized it wasn't a conversation that was meant to be had. Bud too had asked about Brumby but a stern answer from Mac was all that was needed for him never to bring up the Australian. The worry that their friends would learn why it all came to an end was always at the forefront of her mind. She loved Harm, yes but it was still shameful when she was the first person advocating so hard about propriety. Sturgis was either immune to her wrath or suicidal.
"Oh, c'mon Mac. I know there's something between the two of you and I know it's kind of rocky at the moment."
"Stop it." She brushed by him in a fury, practically slamming her door shut so that passerby's would not hear the impending conversation.. "What is it to you? What do you think you know or believe you can accomplish by pissing me off, Commander?" Although her voice didn't boom like that of a drill instructor, the Marine in her showed through making Sturgis practically cower.
"I spoke to Harm yesterday. He told me to say hi." He tried a different tactic.
"Hi? That's nice."
"Just nice? That's it? I thought.. I mean." Defeated, Sturgis sagged into one of her guest chairs, shoulders slumped at the war he knew he was about to enter. He should have stayed away, should have minded his own business but, a good friend wouldn't do that. A good friend wouldn't let someone fall into another trap which he believed was happening with Harm when it came to Mac. "There's a certain tension between the two of you."
"Some."
"A lot."
Mac sighed. She'd been avoiding this conversation for weeks and had done a good enough job of steering him clear until now. Like Harm's letters, this was something else she needed to face head on if she were to have a little peace at work. She slid into her own chair and glared at the nosy bubblehead. "My relationship or lack thereof with Commander Rabb is none of your business. You've been here for two seconds and you're already passing judgement on me?"
"I'm not passing…"
"You are. I can see it when you look at me like I'm some pariah and I fail to see what I did to you that was so egregious. Me and Harm, we're complicated more than you could ever imagine. He's my closest friend and we're going through a rough patch which is none of your business. I've had enough judgement passed on me by him and I don't need that from you too."
Sturgis noted her eyes, the sadness that was not there one moment ago and now manifested itself. He softened his tone hoping she could understand that this wasn't just mere nosiness from his part. There was a reason and she needed to know things that Harm likely hadn't shared. "I'm not passing judgement… Harm's a friend, a good friend. He was the first one that took me into their little group at the Academy… I'm a preacher's kid and came off like a bit of an ass."
"Harm's a big boy, Sturgis. Pretty sure he can take care of himself."
"You look like her." He said suddenly, swallowing hard when Mac's eyes snapped to his in shock. "Diane. You look so much like her."
"Sturgis, please don't. I know who she is and I know about her death. It shook him badly."
"Diane hurt him, Mac… Bad. He was infatuated with her and she used that to toy with him. They were on again and off again. She broke up with him more than once and the last time he nearly left the Academy over it."
No. She knew that story, how Harm had walked out because the school work was too much for him. Keeter brought him back and it was a debt that Harm eventually repaid. "Harm said he couldn't hack the coursework and Keeter brought him back." He didn't mention Diane's involvement only that the curriculum had begun to wear him down as did his insecurities at not being as good as his father. Mac never thought to ask Keeter if the story was any different.
"It wasn't the classes, Mac. It was her." Sturgis remembered how Harm was smitten by the pretty brunette who more or less had every male at Annapolis hounding after her. She was smart, driven and only had eyes for Harm until one day. "Diane had him all upside down...Given their career paths the likelihood of seeing each other after the Academy was slim. Harm fell hard for her, like a rock. Followed her around like a lovesick puppy until she broke it off. He was a mess for a while. Thankfully Keeter found him before he ruined his chances and we forced him to concentrate on classes again and not Diane."
"He made it sound like it was much more serious than that… Told me once they were supposed to discuss their future." And Mac couldn't help but feel jealous about that.
"She would have told him no."
"He loved her."
"No. He didn't, not really. He was in love with the idea of having a relationship like his parents. He didn't love Diane but, I think he loves you. It's for real this time." Sturgis sighed envisioning his friend falling again and being hurt just as bad. "I was only around the two of you for a few as but, the way Harm looks at you...That comment about your exs it was just Harm being Harm, hiding his insecurity."
"Why are you telling me this?"
He leaned forward. "Because I owe him. Harm saved my life once." Sturgis had his own fall from Grace, the Preacher's son who was tired of living life in a straight line. He wavered once, drank too much at one of the watering holes near the Academy and stumbled out drunk into the night nearly getting hit by a car if Harm hadn't pushed him out of the way.
"He's good at that isn't he?" Superman without the supernatural powers or that red cape. "I care for him more than I can tell you, Sturgis...I'm in love with him."
"Tell him."
"He knows. I'm just not sure what comes next or if we can stay together." Mac shrugged, there was still more soul searching to do. More problems she needed to fix before she would willingly give herself to him. It made her ache inside and she wasn't sure what to do about it. She feared getting together only to have them break apart.
"Sometimes things don't have to be so complicated. You know?" He stood up and headed towards the door pausing with his hand on the doorknob. "I'm sure you have a ton of obstacles in the way but, some rules can be bent. I'll return after lunch with the Stutter case. I'm going to need to pick your brain on it."
Mac nodded. "Fine just no more matchmaking for today, okay?"
"I make no promises." He grinned and finally stepped out of her office.
The white box had haunted her all day piquing her curiosity more times than she could count. Mac hesitated on cracking it open until the last person had left JAG for the day and she was alone. SHe could have closed the blinds, locked the doors and remained in the sanctuary of her office in relative privacy but, someone would interrupt, she knew.
Carefully, he brought the box down and placed it in the very center noting that it really had arrived from La Jolla. She sighed and took a letter opener to cut the tape off and then looked inside. "Oh God." The content made her laugh as she pulled out a blue plushie Brachiosaurus.
She sat the stuffed dino on her desk and looked at it for a moment. It was clearly picked from a children's section but, so very adorable. There was also a note attached to his collar with her name sprawled across the envelope in his handwriting.
Dearest Mac,
I went to the museum with mom and spotted this little guy. It's probably not the one you have at home but, something made me buy it. I think you need something to keep you company especially with Jingo at Chloe's.
I'm coming home soon so I guess we'll see each other at work. I'll keep my distance, I promise. I'll keep my distance until you say it's okay.
I miss you though. Our talks over cases. The runs at Rock Creek Park. I miss you calling me to fix your plumbing or change the oil on your Vette. I miss those simple times that we messed up. I think we can get it back. I want to try.
Love,
Harm