XXVI.
"If the Dark Lord finds out about this, he's going to kill every single last one of us," Bellatrix snapped furiously once the two women returned home after their trip to Spinner's End.
"You didn't have to come," Narcissa reminded her, throwing her cloak off her body and onto the nearby rack. "But I do not regret it. I feel like— I feel like I can breathe, Bella. I'm still terrified, I'm still… but the job will get done regardless, and I'm sure the Dark Lord values the ends over the means. This could save Draco's life. He could save Draco's life."
"Fuck Snape," Bellatrix growled, throwing her own cloak onto the rack. She, of course, whipped it at the object too hard though, and the whole thing tipped over, crashing to the ground. Bellatrix's upper lip curled, but of course she made no move to right it. "I can't believe the Dark Lord told him. Him, out of fucking— this is bullshit."
Narcissa though, who finally felt like she wasn't spinning out of control, did not want her house to be a wreck just because her sister was too much of a child to clean up her messes. Messy house, messy life, or so the saying goes— and her life was already enough of a mess. "Bella. Pick up the cloak rack; you can't just leave stuff like that."
"And the Unbreakable fucking— why is that your solution to bloody everything?" Bellatrix continued to rant, but at least did what she was told and picked it up. It didn't look neat by any means, but it was good enough. "Do you just get off on people risking their lives to please you? Not that I'd give a shit if Snape fell over dead tomorrow, but you don't even fuck him and yet you throw him those desperate brown eyes and all of a sudden he's willing to tie his life to this? How the fuck do you— how do you do that?"
"I can't tell if you're impressed or horrified."
"Both. Your special brand of manipulation has always both impressed and horrified me, Cissy; although mostly because I'm usually on the receiving end of it."
"I wasn't trying to manipulate him— he's Lucius' friend, and he cares for Draco," Narcissa explained, not wishing to be painted in a bad light for this. She was trying to protect her son; why wouldn't she use everything at her disposal? "I was just… using that to get him to—"
Bellatrix scoffed. "'Using' something to gain favorable results is literally the definition of the word manipulation, but sure; that's not what you were doing."
"You know what? I don't need this right now— why do you even care?" Narcissa exclaimed, wondering if this was just her sister projecting herself into Severus' position, or something else entirely. Was she finally seeing how wrapped around her finger she could get everyone, and simply did not like it? Either way, Bellatrix needed to stop practically attacking her over this; Narcissa had done what she did for a reason, and she was not sorry about it. "It's not like you give a shit about Severus, and I needed to do something, Bella. The Dark Lord is trying to get my son killed—"
"He's trying to give Draco a chance to prove himself!"
"Are you— are you fucking stupid?!" Narcissa shouted, looking at Bellatrix like she had to have lost most of her brain cells to think something like that. "Even Severus knows that this is a punishment; stop making excuses for the Dark Lord just because you're fucking desperate for him to stuff your mouth full of his cock— I'm tired of it, Bella, I'm fucking done!"
Bellatrix looked like she had been slapped. To her, that seemed to come out of nowhere, but it hadn't. Narcissa had been tired of the façade for a long time now. "Jesus— I don't… what?"
"Oh, fuck off, Bellatrix; the way you fawn over him is bloody sickening. 'Yes, my Lord', 'you're all-supreme and I'm not worthy'— Just bend the fuck over for him and get it over with; maybe when he comes on your face and treats you like fucking trash you'll finally realize how bloody disposable you've always been to him!"
Bellatrix's palm connected with her cheek, and the slap rang through the foyer as angry tears sprung to Narcissa's eyes. She had half a mind to kick Bellatrix straight out of her house for that, as she had promised her before that if she laid another hand on her that she would no longer have a place to stay, but Narcissa had hit her almost twenty-four hours ago. Perhaps this at least made them even, although Narcissa had hit her far harder.
"It embarrasses you, doesn't it?" Narcissa seethed, her chest heaving in upset. She hated that man, she hated him, and it killed her that Bellatrix was so obsessed with the person who had been the main source of misery and suffering in her life, and so Narcissa lashed out at her sister where she knew it would hurt the most. "To want something like that. You're gay, right? You're gay and you've always been dominant; so why would you ever want something so wildly out of your comfort zone?"
"But things have been changing lately, haven't they?" Narcissa continued cruelly, because she had been wondering why, all of a sudden, Bellatrix was getting off on being submissive, and oh— now she knew. It sickened her, but she fucking knew. "You've been testing the waters with me, but only because it's where you feel safe. But it's not even me you want doing that to you, is it? Fifteen fucking years you sat in that place with your warped declaration of devotion— and he saved you, didn't he? He saved you and he made the psychotic princess fall in love with the dark knight who rescued her from that God-awful tower; how very fucking original. I'll be sure to remember that the next time you accuse me of having a victim-complex."
"You're a goddamn cliché, Bellatrix," Narcissa accused, accenting her fury with a pointed finger, "and you hate yourself for it because that wasn't who you thought you were, and now you don't know how to deal with the reality that you've become a weak, pathetic mess over a man."
Bellatrix looked deeply upset. Her chest was heaving and her eyes shone with unshed emotion as Narcissa began ripping her apart and showing her all of the ugly things inside of her that she had tried to hide away. "Why are you— why are you doing this?" she asked, her words a wheezing gasp as though Narcissa had punched them from her gut. "Are you jealous? Are you—"
Narcissa cut her off with a loud, bitter laugh. "Jealous? No. I pity you, Bella, because no matter how bad you want him, he will never want you in return. You're a toy; you amuse him, at best. He does not love you. He will never love you. Have a fucking shred of self-respect, Bellatrix, for fuck's sake."
The amount of pain etched in Bellatrix's expression was actually rather devastating, and Narcissa, for one short moment, regretted lashing out at her. She was just fucking done with Bellatrix making excuses for all the horrible things the Dark Lord did— this was her son, her son. Bellatrix was trying to make it sound like Voldemort was bestowing a great honor upon Draco and it infuriated her, so Narcissa sought to make her sister realize how stupid she was being in the most hurtful way possible.
A tear slid down the older woman's cheek then, but with an angry gesture she wiped the evidence of it off her face before Bellatrix did what she did best, and turned her devastation and pain into rage. "You absolute idiot. You… you stupid fucking child. You want the truth; you want to know why your son was chosen? The truth is that your family deserves no fucking glory or honor, and Draco will never give you either. The truth is that Lucius deserves this punishment—"
Narcissa felt like Bellatrix had cut a hole in her chest from those words. "—What?!"
"Your fucking idiot of a husband— it's not just about the Ministry, although he fucked up so royally in that regard, getting everyone bloody captured— but the Dark Lord entrusted something to him a long time ago, something He said was precious and irreplaceable… Lucius was supposed to keep it safe, he was supposed to protect it, but he can't even follow simple directions, can he?!" Bellatrix shouted, needing Narcissa to realize that Lucius had condemned their family to this a long time ago. "It's fucking gone— destroyed beyond repair, just because Lucius wanted to use it for his own selfish gains—!"
Narcissa paled. She knew exactly what Bellatrix was talking about. "The… the diary?"
"Oh good, were you in on it too? Then perhaps the punishment is fucking apt for both of you; perhaps when the worst happens you'll both finally fucking learn to shut up and do as you're told! You deserve this, you both deserve this—!"
Narcissa blacked out in rage. She had no idea what she was doing when she grabbed for her wand and used a nonverbal spell that sliced her sister open. In hindsight, it was probably a good thing that her nonverbal spells were not that great, as the gash she made in her sister's stomach might have been far, far worse. Bellatrix started bleeding immediately though, a surprised gasp falling from her lips as she clutched her stomach, blood seeping through her fingers as she stared at her sister, her eyes wide as though she did not recognize her. If Narcissa was thinking clearly, if she could see anything other than the woman who just told her she might very well deserve to have her child die, then she probably would not recognize herself either. Instead, she raised her wand again.
"Mother!" Draco screamed from the stairs, having come out from his room once he heard screaming. He had gotten to the top just in time to see his mother slice her sister open and he was taking them two at a time trying to reach her in time so that she would not follow it up with a second. "Mum, stop!"
Bellatrix did not move to retaliate though, nor did she even try to protect herself. She just stood there, staring at Narcissa like a part of her hoped she would actually finish what she started, but then Draco grabbed his mother's wand arm, forcing it back down to her side. "Stop! Jesus— what the fuck are you doing!? You're going to kill her! Mum!"
Bellatrix coughed then, a little blood coming out from the corner of her lips as the wound had no doubt reached down to her stomach lining, and Narcissa suddenly realized what the hell she had just done. "Fuck— fuck! Bella!" she cried, horrified that she had just found out exactly what she was capable of.
Bellatrix just laughed. It was this awful, gurgling sound that made Narcissa want to vomit as her hands shook and she practically pushed her son out of the way, catching her sister as she began to lose her balance from the lack of blood. "Shit— shit, I didn't mean to," she whispered in horror, but Bellatrix just smiled at her in this way that made Narcissa's blood run cold, because this made her sister happy. Perhaps, in the end, this was what she always wanted.
"Leave it," Bellatrix begged her in a raspy voice, as though she wanted nothing more than to die at her sister's hand, and Narcissa couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. Her wand was in her hand but she couldn't remember how to fix what she had done, and it was only until Draco screamed at her again that she finally remembered the incantation, and tried desperately to heal the damage she had caused.
"Stop— stop!" Bellatrix screamed at her, but Draco was holding his aunt down now so that she wouldn't fight against the healing spell, his own face having gone white as a sheet as he realized he might actually be living with one person who was suicidal, and another with the capacity to kill her.
"You fucking— useless… Just end it!" Bellatrix shouted, her clothes sticky with blood despite her wound now being healed, and she grabbed for Narcissa like she wanted to force her to do what she wanted, what they both needed. "Just end me! Just fucking kill me, Cissy; maybe we'll both find some bloody peace!"
Draco, to his credit, did not hesitate. He used incarcerous almost immediately once he saw his aunt's hands go on his mother, and Bellatrix screamed in rage as she was bound, falling back onto the floor as she had been too caught up in Narcissa to notice what Draco was doing. Narcissa had dissolved into helpless sobs, the reality of their shared misery too much for her to bear as she practically pitched forward against her sister's bloody form, clutching at her dress.
"What the fuck is wrong with you guys?!" Draco screamed, looking torn between being terrified and infuriated. He looked so much like Lucius then that it almost took Narcissa aback, but her son was practically pulling her off of Bellatrix, trying to get some separation between them. "You both are bloody mental! Stop— Mother, stay there!" he shouted, and Narcissa did as she was told, clutching at her dress that now bore the proof of her own darkness, and as she pulled her hand back and looked at her bloody palm, she nearly vomited.
Draco looked completely overwhelmed and it broke Narcissa's heart, as she hadn't wanted to put any more weight on the boy's shoulders. Why was she like this? Perhaps she and Bellatrix should just end each other— it would be better for everyone else who got caught up in their destruction. It had been a very long time since Narcissa had felt suicidal, but right then she found it would just be easier for those she loved should the world be rid of them both.
"Mum?" Draco gently queried, kneeling down in front of Narcissa as he tried to fix this in the only way he knew how. His voice was shaking and he looked so terribly lost. "Do you— do you need more medicine? I don't— Father never told me how to… what do I do?"
"Nothing, nothing, Draco, I am so— Oh God, I'm so sorry, come here," Narcissa sobbed, grasping for her son as she held him in a fierce hug. She wanted to protect him from the world, but the sad reality was she couldn't even protect him from herself. "I'm so sorry, my love, I'm so sorry— Bella and I, we just… we fight, it's—"
"That was not sibling fucking rivalry, Mother!" Draco shouted at her as he pulled out of her arms, pointing back at the mess on the floor that was his aunt. "That's sick! You're sick, you both are sick! She needs to leave, she needs to—!"
"No!" Narcissa cried, which seemed to drown out whatever Bellatrix had said about the matter. Her mouth was open but Narcissa wasn't even listening to her, she was pleading desperately with her son, needing him to realize that Bellatrix… she couldn't leave. No matter what happened between them, there was something more important at stake. "She needs to teach you, she can't— I'm sorry, what I did was a mistake; I wasn't thinking, I haven't slept in— and you're right, I hadn't… I haven't taken my medication in a while, but I will, okay? It'll be fine, darling, everything will be fine, I promise…"
"This isn't fine!" Draco exclaimed, his eyes beginning to water as he looked at his mother, realizing for the first time how very unwell she truly was, and knowing that it had only gotten this bad because of his aunt, because of how sick they made one another. "You need to get better and she— she makes you worse…"
"Yeah, 'cause Narcissa is always the fucking victim, isn't she?" Bellatrix spat from her place on the floor. "She slices open my guts, but poor her right? God, you even do this shit to your son— bravo, Cissy, beautiful fucking work. I'm impressed."
Narcissa wiped at the tears on her cheeks, her heart weighing heavy in her chest as she looked at her sister, knowing she was right. Why was she the one getting sympathy, when it was she who had taken it too far? They always fought, her and Bellatrix; they always tore one another apart verbally and emotionally, but this was… this was so far beyond that, and Narcissa was beginning to get terrified of who she was becoming, because this was not the person she wanted to be.
"Your aunt is right," Narcissa responded softly, her voice filled with self-loathing as she stared at her sister's form. Bellatrix wouldn't even look at her. "This was my fault. No matter what Bellatrix said… I took it too far. I lost control. Everyone always pities me because of what my sister does to me, but no one ever looks at her and sees the damage that I've caused. That's not okay. I'm just as abusive— if not more so now, and her pain always gets passed over like it's nothing."
Narcissa could see her sister swallow hard and finally Bellatrix turned her head to look at her. It seemed the woman hadn't expected her own suffering to be recognized or acknowledged, and the look on her face broke Narcissa's heart before she turned her gaze to her son, gently placing a hand on his cheek.
"I'm sorry. I know I scared you, and I know I'm not okay. But this is not a burden you should have to bear, Draco. Please, don't worry about me; just focus on your training, okay? You will never see something like this again. I'm going to— actually I think I'm going to owl my Soul Mender. Take my medicine. Sleep. I can take care of myself, my love; I promise. You do not have to be the parent here."
Draco did not believe her. She could see it written all over his face, the humongous weight she had placed on his shoulders as he felt the need to take care of his mother on top of everything else, and Narcissa hated herself for it. He did eventually leave her alone though as she claimed she desperately needed sleep, and although she did, sleep still did not come. Instead Narcissa sat on the edge of her bed, her eyes vacant as she stared at the veins in her wrists.
"Don't."
"I'm not— I won't," Narcissa said softly even though she had most definitely been entertaining the thought for a moment. She just felt like it would be easier on everyone else if she did, but she also could not bear leaving her son. Narcissa folded her arms back into herself and looked up, seeing her sister in the doorway. Draco had finally saw fit to release her, but she was still in a blood-soaked dress and Narcissa's stomach turned at the sight.
"Please get out of those clothes."
Bellatrix's eyes fell over the blonde's attire. "Cissy," she mentioned softly, nodding toward her until Narcissa's eyes fell down to herself, realizing she was still in the same clothes. She still had her sister's blood on the fabric, on her skin. God, she felt so terribly out of it. Maybe the lack of sleep really had made her delirious.
"…Oh."
Neither sister spoke for a long time until finally Bellatrix moved toward the blonde's master bathroom, stopping momentarily at the threshold to turn back to Narcissa, silently holding out her hand. Narcissa swallowed the lump in her throat but picked herself up off the bed and came to her, gently tangling their fingers together as Bellatrix led her over to the large tub on the opposite side of the room. She filled it with water with a wave of her wand, and the two sisters began to undress in silence.
Bellatrix fit herself against the back of the tub and Narcissa climbed in between her legs, laying her head on her sister's chest as she practically curled herself into a ball, wishing the warmth of the water was more of a comfort than it was. Bellatrix said nothing, she just grabbed a facecloth and began wiping the blood from her sister's skin as Narcissa lay against her, feeling hollow and lifeless.
The water was starting to become a pale pink, and Bellatrix refreshed it with her wand before she finally spoke. "—I'm sorry." Narcissa said nothing, just allowing her eyes to close as she listened to the beat of her sister's heart beneath her chest, knowing she had almost caused it to cease. "You don't deserve this, and I shouldn't have— I shouldn't have fucking said that you did. He won't die, Narcissa. I'll protect him."
"I know you will," Narcissa exhaled, sounding so terribly defeated by that, as she knew what Bellatrix had said before were just words. She had just wanted to hurt her because Narcissa had emotionally ripped her to shreds, but Narcissa lashed out anyway. She lashed out as though Bellatrix had declared that she would be the one to kill Draco, but instead they were just stupid fucking words and Narcissa… she almost killed Bellatrix because of them.
"Are you okay?" Narcissa asked her softly, her eyes filling with tears. When she opened them, one slid down her cheek and she turned, her gaze meeting Bellatrix's as she gently placed her hand over her sister's abdomen. She could feel Bellatrix hold her breath at the touch, her muscles tightening beneath the blonde's hand.
"I've had worse."
Narcissa pursed her lips, sliding her hand up to cover her sister's heart. "I'm sorry," she breathed, devastated by her own actions. "I'm sorry I always slice you open in the most horrible ways, and I'm sorry nobody ever sees it. I'm sorry that we both want to die because of it. But… I think what I'm most sorry for is that things haven't changed at all, and I had promised you that they had. I'm sorry for lying to you. I'm sorry for lying to myself."
Bellatrix said nothing, but Narcissa could see her swallow down whatever emotion she was feeling before she averted her gaze. "I don't want to make you suicidal again, Cissy."
"Me?" Narcissa asked, gently disbelieving. "What about you?" Because Bellatrix had been begging for her to end her life, to let her finally find some peace. Narcissa felt completely shattered by that, as she knew her sister's misery was all her own doing. She had just wanted to love her, and all she ended up doing was destroying her.
"I'm not— I mean, not really. I don't know. I just… thought it'd be a fitting end. That's all."
"It probably would have been," Narcissa admitted softly, and Bellatrix's gaze found hers once more. "But that doesn't mean I should have done it. That doesn't mean that I want to do it. I don't. I don't—" But Narcissa's words got choked up in her throat then, tears welling over in her eyes. "I don't want you to die, Bella… I love you, I need you—"
"You don't," Bellatrix reminded her, her own upset causing her voice to hitch in the back of her throat. "You found peace without me, didn't you? You lived. You thrived. Then I come back and… and now look at us; washing my blood off of us and talking about ending it all. I don't know why I keep doing everything wrong with you, Cissy— I love you more than… than anyone…"
Bellatrix broke then and she had to cover her face as she began to openly sob. "Why am I so fucking damaged that I can't even love someone right?! I'm sick of it, I'm sick of it!" Her fist hit the side of the tub then, but it was uncoordinated and Narcissa heard a sickening crack when it hit the porcelain. Bellatrix barely even registered it, even though Narcissa was certain her sister just broke a knuckle. "I don't know how to be good for you, and I hate myself for that— I hate myself for making you worse…"
"Bella— Bella, stop. Give me your hand," Narcissa begged, grasping for the other woman's wrist as she grabbed her wand.
"Just fucking leave it— I don't care…!"
"I care," Narcissa told her before she easily healed what Bellatrix had broken. After she had finished, she put her wand back on the edge of the tub, taking Bellatrix's hand between both of hers before she brought it to her lips, her tears falling on the older woman's skin. "It's not your fault," she breathed sadly. "I was the one who did this to you. I made you sick, Bella. It's me who should be wondering how I could ever do something like that to someone I love."
"You were right, you know," Narcissa continued sadly, her words being whispered against the skin of her sister's hand as she continued to grasp it firmly between her own. "I do have a special brand of manipulation. I always have. I know I can make anyone do anything that I want them to, and I capitalize on that in the worst ways. I make people endlessly dance for me until their legs give out, until they break, until they fall to the ground and shatter— but no matter how clear that is to me now, no matter how horrible I know it is, I don't know how to stop."
"You're not the only one," Narcissa admitted softly, more tears leaking out of the corner of her eyes. "Everyone I touch eventually turns to dust; it's just the way it is. I know how to make everyone want to please me, and I'll just sit there and watch as they practically kill themselves in the process. Lovers, friends, even acquaintances— Look at what I just made Severus promise, and I barely know him. What I've done to you though… that is by far the worst. But Lucius, Cassandra, my son—"
"Draco just wants to protect you," Bellatrix reminded her. "I suppose that's what one fucking does when they don't have a shit mother, but I wouldn't know. He's fine. Lucius— you broke him, but he figured out how to put himself back together. Cassandra…" Bellatrix trailed off then, looking deeply uncomfortable that she just acknowledged the other woman's existence. "You're gonna break that bitch's heart, but what else is bloody new."
Narcissa could not hold her sister's gaze, her heart weighing heavy in her chest as she thought about the woman who had just confessed her love to her the night prior. "Yeah," she agreed softly. "Yeah, I am."
And God, she hated herself for that, but look at what she was still doing. A part of her wished she could just run away with Cassandra and have something normal, have something happy and sane, but Narcissa knew herself, and she knew she could never leave Bellatrix. She was condemning Cassandra to a life of unhappiness because of her own sick infatuation, and that wasn't fair.
Narcissa wouldn't let her go though; she wouldn't set Cassandra free. She had tried before, but that was as much effort as she was willing to expend, because she was selfish, because she was awful, and because she loved her.
Because Narcissa had the fucking audacity to fall in love with her, while simultaneously being so interwoven with another. It was disgusting, honestly, which was why Narcissa could not bear to tell Cassandra the truth. She felt like a horrible person for how she felt, so instead she buried it deep inside of her as she weaved her fingers between her sister's and held her hand, wondering how deeply it would shatter Bellatrix if she knew the truth.
But then again, it wasn't like her sister wasn't in love with someone else too.
"I'm sorry," Narcissa softly apologized, looking down at their clasped hands. "For what I said, for… being cruel about how you feel about him. I know it's not easy for you."
"I… I don't—" Bellatrix tried to deny, but she looked terribly upset again and Narcissa just squeezed her hand, pressing their scarred palms together as she shot her a sad smile. Bellatrix was starting to look like a trapped animal and that broke her heart; she shouldn't be this uncomfortable with her own feelings, that was horrible.
"It's okay," Narcissa breathed, not wanting Bellatrix to feel even worse about it. She hated Voldemort, but sympathized with the turmoil her sister felt. "I'm not mad. I wish… I wish it wasn't him, because he has destroyed everything that I love…" Narcissa's voice broke and she wiped another tear with her free hand, but she continued on. "But objectively, I know I can't condemn you for splitting your heart. I've been in love with two different people my entire life, and I understand you can't control how you feel. I'm just— I'm afraid it's going to shatter you. I don't want to watch you go through that."
Bellatrix said nothing for a long time. She didn't want to admit it, she didn't want to say it out loud, but Narcissa wasn't surprised. Bellatrix had never been able to articulate her feelings well anyway. Finally she scoffed, rolling her eyes as she adverted her gaze. "I don't want him to fuck me."
"You do. A little bit."
"I'm gay."
"And this doesn't make you less so. Sexuality is so fucking— it's not a black or white situation, Bella. Sometimes, there are exceptions to every rule. You don't have to be ashamed about that."
Bellatrix still looked deep in turmoil though, but in the end… "It doesn't matter," she breathed, knowing full-well nothing would come from it. She knew Voldemort would never want her in the way that she wanted him and because that broke her heart, Bellatrix buried it as quickly as she could. "This whole fucking conversation is pointless. I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay," Narcissa softly relented, accepting her sister's desire to ignore it. Honestly, Narcissa wanted to too, because recognizing her sister was in love with the man who had killed one of her children, was trying to kill the other— it fucked her up. All of this, everything about Bellatrix, honestly, fucked her up, and yet Narcissa could not bear to have it any other way. This was what she was used to.
"I don't know what to do," Narcissa admitted sadly, feeling so terribly helpless. "But I can't do this to Draco, especially now. He's just a child; he shouldn't have to take care of me. He shouldn't have to worry about me, and he already has a terrible burden on his shoulders; me giving him another is making me a terrible mother, and I cannot… I cannot bear that. This is not who I wanted to be."
"I think we need… I don't know, space from one another, but you don't have anywhere to go, you need to train him and I… I don't want to leave him," Narcissa continued, her brow creasing in upset. "But we can't do this anymore, Bella. We can't keep being a tornado through other people's lives."
Bellatrix, to her credit, seemed to realize that Narcissa was right, although perhaps after tonight, it would have been stupid for her to deny that they weren't a horribly destructive mess. "Then how do we fucking stop?" she asked, and Narcissa just laughed hollowly.
"I don't know."
The two women were silent for a long while, the water in the tub becoming lukewarm, but neither sister reached for their wands to fix it. "I wish Lucius was here," Narcissa admitted after a long moment. "He hated having to fix my life, especially when it comes to you, but he always tried. He'd have a solution."
"Yeah, he'd probably kick me the fuck out."
"No," Narcissa softly denied, allowing her palm to skim over the surface of the water. "Maybe if the situation was different he would, but not now; not when Draco needs you. Even if he were here… and do not tell him this when he returns, but I know he would want you to be the one to teach our son too. He might not care for you, but he respects how talented you are, how powerful. He would want Draco to have every advantage, and you're it."
Bellatrix said nothing, and Narcissa sat in her sister's arms and stared at the water for a long time, trying to figure out what she needed to do. Bellatrix's hands gently played with the ends of her hair, and finally Narcissa exhaled a long sigh.
"I need to speak with Draco," she realized. "He's old enough now for me to listen to and respect his opinion, and I'm sure he has one. He is already in the middle of this; keeping him on the outside of whatever decision I make wouldn't be fair."
Bellatrix was starting to look upset again, but she did not tell Narcissa that she could not do this, or that she didn't want space or any other solution that would end in them not being together in the way that she wanted. She knew how much Narcissa loved her son, and she knew how much being this way was killing her and so Bellatrix stayed silent, finally putting their wellbeing over her own selfish desires. In the end, she did not want to be the reason Narcissa killed herself, and if they continued on like this then they both knew that she would be.
"Cissy."
Bellatrix's voice was strained, emotional, and Narcissa looked at her sister sadly before Bellatrix slid her hand around her neck, and pulled her in for a soft kiss. Narcissa's lashes hit her cheeks, her heart squeezing in her chest, and another tear slid down her check.
"I love you."
The words sounded painful for Bellatrix to utter when they parted, and Narcissa gently leaned her forehead against her sister's, the reality of their situation feeling as though it was crushing the very breath from her lungs.
"I know. But maybe that's not enough anymore."
It wasn't a break up. Not really. Narcissa wasn't foolish enough to think they could ever truly walk away from one another, but something needed to change. They slept in the same bed that night though, neither wishing for the separation to happen just yet as they fell asleep in one another's arms. Narcissa loved her sister so desperately, so completely, but it was consuming her again; hollowing her and spitting her back out, and Narcissa knew she had gone through too much, worked too goddamn hard on her mental health for this to be how it ultimately ended.
The next morning, Narcissa had walked around the manor to try to find her son, but to no avail. Not that she would have blamed Draco for taking off and finding somewhere sane to be after what had happened last night, but she would have preferred him to leave a note at least. Not knowing where her son was started to give Narcissa terrible anxiety until she passed by the window, and happened to glance out in the backyard.
Her heart sank.
Narcissa pushed open the back door, wrapping her robe a little tighter around her body as she crossed the grass to get to her son. Draco was sitting on his haunches in front of the small garden in the corner of their yard, looking down at the unmarked grave. Narcissa's eyes filled with tears but she kept them from falling. She said nothing, coming to rest on the small bench beside the garden as she sat quietly, folding her hands in her lap. Draco looked up at her for a moment, but his eyes fell back to the grave before he shifted his position, kneeling down in the dirt.
"Father told me it was a dog. But it's not, is it?"
"No," Narcissa quietly admitted. "But… it's not her either. It's just a memory; a way for me to bury what had happened, so that I could try to move on."
Draco looked upset, his brow creasing. "That's fucked up," he told his mother, angry with his father's lies. "Telling me she was an animal."
Narcissa exhaled a long breath. It had hurt her when she heard what Draco had assumed all those years ago, but she also knew they had little choice but to lie. "You were too young to know the truth," she told him apologetically. "And your father… I think it was just easier, to dismiss your questions with that. Aquila was not a part of his life that he wanted to remember. He… hated me for selling what should have been our child. He hated me for not telling him what I had done before we were married, for punishing him with something he did not deserve. Even though she wasn't even his in the end, your father still bore the scars from her death just as much as I did."
"What do you mean?" Draco asked, looking back up at her. Narcissa hadn't even realized what she said, and when she did she could not bear to meet her son's gaze. "What do you mean, she wasn't his? Whose was she?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Mother. Stop hiding shit from me— I'm old enough now. Just tell me."
Unfathomably, Narcissa wanted to. Not the details, but she felt like she needed to stop lying to her son. It wasn't fair to Draco. None of this was fair to Draco, yet he was caught up in it all the same. "It's… complicated, and involves archaic magic that barely even exists anymore. Blood Magic will probably die with my sister, but maybe that's a good thing."
"Wait… what?" Draco asked, wondering if his mother was saying what he thought she was saying, even though it made absolutely no sense to him.
Narcissa rubbed the scar on her palm in anxiety, still unable to meet her son's gaze. "It wasn't Lucius' price to pay. I did what I did for Bellatrix and so she… she helped me see it through. She tried to save me from it though— she lied to me and told me that what she was doing was just sacrificing one soul for the creation of another to make almost a clone of herself to put inside of me, so that I wouldn't have to bear the loss of my own child. But it had to be my child; the Dark Lord would have known if it was not, and when Aquila came out with blonde hair instead of my sister's dark mane…"
A tear fell down her cheek then, but Narcissa gently wiped it away. "My life is not pretty, Draco," she told him softly. "And the deeper you go, the worse it gets. Please do not start digging; you will not like what you find."
Draco was staring at her with this scrunched up expression, halfway between being confused and disgusted. "I don't… how did that even work?" he asked, unable to wrap his head around the concept that two women could create life together. "You're saying— you're saying my bloody aunt is the other mother of my sister… slash cousin, right? That doesn't even make sense."
"I told you, she used Blood Magic. I will not give you any more details than that, because I am sure you can guess from the name that it was not a pleasant experience for me. Calling Bellatrix a mother though…" Narcissa laughed bitterly. "She was not one. At most, she was a donor of DNA. She cared nothing for Aquila; she regarded her as little more than currency to barter with. There was no attachment there. Bella, she… she has very little compassion for human life. For anyone, really, save me and the Dark Lord. I think maybe that's why she's so intense when it comes to the both of us; it's making up for everyone else she holds absolutely no regard for."
Draco was still looking at her with this odd expression on his face though. "So you got knocked up by your sister," he deadpanned, trying to get to the crux of the thing that was bothering him.
"Please don't say it like that; it sounds… well, rather gross."
"It is gross. You didn't— Jesus, you didn't…?"
"Draco. Please," Narcissa chided, as though he was the one being ridiculous. "I know it has been a very long time since your father and I gave you the sex talk, but I assume you know that's not how it works."
"Mother, five minutes ago I didn't know it was possible to even have a baby like that through magic; so no, I guess I don't know how it works anymore!"
"Fine. That's… fair. But that wasn't what the ritual entailed, so please stop looking at me like that— I know Bellatrix and I have an… intense relationship, but there is a line."
It was the past all over again. Draco might as well have been Lucius; he looked just like him at that age anyway. Narcissa's heart hurt because she was repeating the same mistakes over again, but she could not tell her son the truth; she would not be able to emotionally handle the rejection and disgust that would rightfully follow. So for now there were half-truths and well-placed lies, despite knowing full-well that the past would always come back to haunt her, and that one day she would have to face her son knowing the worst parts of her.
It was inevitable. It had always been inevitable with them. It wasn't even a secret anymore, not really. Everyone Narcissa cared about, save Draco, knew the truth. All of the Death Eaters must know by now, although most probably knew better than to say anything in front of Bellatrix. Still, Narcissa was sure there were whispers after the performance they put on while her sister was in prison. Narcissa knew she would have to make certain that Bellatrix threatened each and every one of them before they were introduced to Draco, but considering the Dark Lord did not wish any to know her son had been Marked yet, she knew she still had time. Still, it was not endless, and it certainly was not foolproof.
A part of Narcissa knew that perhaps it would just be better if she told him, if she was just honest, for once in her life, but the words would not come. Instead, she chose to hold onto the feeble hope that no one would ever say anything, that Draco wouldn't hear anything or walk in on anything, and that she could keep this shameful secret from her son forever.
"I don't like what she does to you, Mum."
Narcissa exhaled a long breath. "We don't like what we do to each other, honestly," she softly revealed. "We know we perpetuate each other's illnesses, but we love each other too much to completely untangle ourselves from one another. But… that being said, after what happened last night— I think it might be good for your aunt and myself to have a bit of space from each other."
"Good," Draco stressed, glad that she had gotten to that conclusion on her own.
"Don't celebrate just yet, darling; it is not that simple," Narcissa reminded her son. "Bella does not have anywhere else to go, and even if she did, it is still imperative that she teach you. I know you may not care for her right now, Draco, but you need her. I hope you can see that yourself, because I am not above ordering you to obey me when your lessons with her may very well save your life."
Draco did not look happy about that by any means, but he was also intelligent enough to know that he was up against something impossible, and that he would need all the help he could get. "So, what? Are you going to leave?"
"I don't want to," Narcissa told him, her heart weighing heavy in her chest. "You only just got back from school, and I've missed you terribly. And I don't— I don't want to not be here for you while you're going through all this. I'm just… where I'm at right now with my mental health, I'm afraid that should me and Bellatrix continue to occupy the same space, that things will escalate, and I don't want to have to put you in the position to mediate that, or to take care of me, on top of all your other burdens. That's why… I'm at a loss of what to do. I wanted to know what you thought, as this decision would affect you whether I choose to stay or leave."
Draco was silent for a long time, turning his options over in his mind. Narcissa waited patiently, allowing her son to sort through his feelings. "Where would you go?" he finally asked, needing to know how far away his mother would be. "And for how long?"
"I'm… unsure," Narcissa admitted. "The Leaky Cauldron, as a last resort. I'd prefer… well, I haven't asked her, although I'm sure she would take me in in a heartbeat— but I also don't want you thinking that I'm trying to run away from my family so I can… shack up with my lover, or what have you. My mental health is the only reason I would be leaving, albeit temporarily. Maybe a month; I'd prefer for it not to be longer."
Draco's nose scrunched. "…Goyle will have questions."
"Right. Another hurdle—"
"Not really. I could tell him the sky is bloody green and he'd accept whatever I said just 'cause I said it. He's not too bright, that one, but dead useful. Besides, our fathers are in prison; I'll just tell him that's what women do when there aren't any men around and he won't even question it."
While Narcissa appreciated that, she hated the way her son talked about Cassandra's son sometimes. "Do you even have any real friends, darling? You always talk about Gregory and Vincent like they're… like they're only worth what you can get out of them. That's terrible."
"Don't lecture me, Mother. I've only seen you have one friend my entire life and you ended up sleeping with her. Friendship isn't high on your list of priorities either."
And, well, that was… fair. Perhaps Draco was more of his mother's son than they both thought; they both took what they wanted from people without much regard for what they would be leaving behind once they were through. They both could control people, have them do what they wanted, without many, if any, questions asked. They may manipulate people in two very different ways, but the end result was still the same; they still had their puppets dance for them.
"Do you think I should go?" Narcissa asked her son, needing to truly know how he felt about this, and what he thought. "I won't if you do not want me to. I don't even want to, honestly, but I'm trying to… I don't know. Do the healthy thing, I suppose, and it's the only solution I could come up with."
"I'm a man now, Mother," Draco reminded her softly, running his hand over the length of his left forearm. "I can take care of myself. You should too. Living on my own with just Aunt Bella doesn't sound like a bloody picnic or anything, but it's fine. Besides, you'll be just down the road, and me and Goyle hang out all the time. Well, we did. I'll still come by whenever Bellatrix is… out, or whatever. It's not forever."
"No," Narcissa agreed. "It won't be. I just need to get my head on straight again, because it's always me who's been in control of my relationship with Bella. She does what I say, she acts how I want her to, and right now… I'm barely in control of myself, let alone her. I just need a short break, and things will get… they'll get better. I promise."
Narcissa hoped this did not make her a terrible mother, but she was at a loss about what to do. She knew she could not continue on like this though, and so she had to make the difficult decision to take a step back. She hoped Draco did not feel like she was abandoning him, as that was the very last thing Narcissa ever wanted to do, but he seemed to understand. Perhaps Draco was more mature than Narcissa was giving him credit for, or perhaps she had simply set the bar too goddamn low that leaving sounded like a preferable option for all of them.
Either way though, Narcissa now had her answer, and she knew what she had to do.
TBC…