Second Person, Thirty
Your mini diary piece has long since been safely tucked into your undershirt by the time you fall asleep. Meredith Grey has not woken up yet, and you lie down on the pillow beside her.
She's using your belly as a pillow now, so you have hers all to yourself. The top of her head smells lovely. She once told you she uses a lavender conditioner. It's your favorite smell.
Meredith is, your favorite smell is her, that is, and not her conditioner alone, though that certainly helps make it intoxicating for you.
You half fall asleep with her in your arms because you're so damn tired after all that has happened. You're content as you're lying there half-asleep, just staying by her side because she asked you to.
You know you've been spoiled for life now; now that you've had her in your arms laying down, you'll never not feel just a little more lonely while you're at home, in bed, without her, but you still wouldn't trade this chance for anything in the world.
You're lulled even further halfway to dreamland by the sound of her lightly snoring as she nuzzles closer to you. She didn't wake up, but she stirred just a little while you were moving around to write the last things down.
Meredith is so beautiful, you've already said that at least a hundred times, but she is.
The weight of her body pressed into your makes you feel whole again. You feel complete like you've never felt ever before.
You're terrified you'll never get to do this again, once she inevitably wakes up and finally starts asking for her boyfriend, Derek.
You're just grateful she hasn't started asking for him yet, and that as her friend, that she woke up the first time from surgery, asking only for you...
%%%
You feel Meredith stirring in your arms as you fall asleep, but she doesn't wake up, she just nuzzles her head closer to your heart as she tucks herself closer into you.
You brush her hair off her face and she sighs contentedly in her sleep as you massage her temples gently the way you know that she likes it. She falls into a deeper sleep again.
You realize you must have fallen asleep because you blink your eyes open hours later as Meredith is still napping. You figure she needs all the rest she can get, as she did just undergo major surgery.
You hold her still, as you caress her sides and hold onto her waist. You don't feel bad about it this time, because she had already woken up and given you explicit permission and begged you to cuddle her.
So you do, and occasionally she snuggles in more, to you. You hear her heart beating steady beats as you realize she's probably lulled to sleep from hearing yours, judging by the way her ear is tucked into your chest.
You remember the time she was suturing a heart and it felt like she was sewing your heart back up. You now imagine that Meredith is literally cuddling her way into your heart. You like it.
You doze off again, she's still asleep. You dream happy dreams and when you wake up and try to remember, you think that Meredith was in love with you back, in those dreams.
You try to remember that those were dreams and not part of reality, but you keep thinking of your happy dreams and you doze off again to have more as you nap. You sleep very well...
%%%
This time when you wake up, though, Meredith is already awake.
"Hey, Addie, sleepyhead. Are you feeling any better, now that you've rested?" Meredith asks you, and you smile up at her softly.
"I should be asking you that, huh," you remember, and she just smiles and says she's doing great.
Meredith still has her head tucked into your chest. She's awake and mobile now, though, and she's gently stroking her fingertips up your arm to your shoulder from on her side.
She's looking up at you, now. You can feel Meredith's eyes still on you and you flick your eyes back to meet her beautiful and breathtaking big baby blues.
"I slept better than ever," Meredith clings onto you, not wanting for you to go, now that you are both awake. "I slept really well, too," you say to her. You don't say 'and I dreamed of you'...
"I'm cold," Meredith states to you.
"Do you want another blanket?" You offer.
"No, I just want you to snuggle me closer," Meredith says, pulling up the blankets to both of your ears and pulling your body so that you are spooning her.
"Mmph, you're strong right after surgery it's really astounding," you say, as she tucks herself right in a ball, with you giving her a bear hug from behind her.
"You're the bestest, one of my best friends, big spoon I could ask for," Meredith says to you as she sighs and says she's no longer so cold.
You think it's cute that the drugs are making her say things like 'bestest' instead of 'best'.
%%%
"Do you think I'm still high?" Meredith asks you as she runs her hands over your fingers. She's running over the spot where your ring used to be and she realizes she's not wearing it.
Meredith reaches to the nightstand and slides it right onto her finger again before cuddling into you more. You smile from behind her widely as you know this is the symbol of your friendship.
"I think you're still high, Meredith," you say because you know the drugs have not worn off yet. "Okay…" Meredith says to you, and you wonder why she is sad about that.
"Why- do you need more, are you in pain?" You ask her.
"No, it's not that. Just let me know when the drugs are fully weaned off, will ya?" Meredith asks you, and you smile and say that you will.
"You know, it's fun only because I don't hurt no more. But I don't really like being high all that much," Meredith jokes to you.
"I hate being high, myself," you tell Meredith. "I did weed once and hid in a closet for sixteen hours!" You explain to her.
"Oof, bad trip. I tried weed once in Amsterdam with my ex-girlfriend Sadie Harris. But she broke up with me, then. And I didn't like the drugs anyway," Meredith says to you.
This is the first time you've heard about any of her ex-lovers, and you find it interesting, and you don't want to hear more about her exes. But you do want to hear more about Europe.
"Tell me not about Sadie, but tell me about what it was like for you in Europe?" You ask her.
"Oh, right, well I took a gap year after my undergrad at Dartmouth, and I backpacked through a lot of countries. I dated a few people because I broke up with my ex-boyfriend the day I left for my big trip, and my mom disapproved of the whole thing and begged me to stay, but I didn't," Meredith explains this all.
"Are you glad that you went?" You ask her. You've been around Europe a bunch with your parents and your brother Archer Montgomery, but you've never taken a vacation with just a friend traveling with a backpack before.
"Of course, the only parts that sucked were Sadie leaving me, because it was an unexpected but sort of not surprising breakup, and also when I got back my mother didn't remember me," Meredith whimpers.
"I'm so sorry," you say because she's never mentioned before that this is the first time she had known that her mother had this serious Alzheimer's.
"Most people think Ellis Grey is just writing a book. But a bunch of people know this now. Especially because of the treatment they might try. But I still keep hoping she'll wake up one day," Meredith sighs.
"I hope that for you, too, I hope your mom wakes up and remembers you" you say, and Meredith smiles.
%%%
"Is there any more of that Toblerone left?" Meredith asks you eventually, as you hear her stomach growling, and also yours.
"Yeah, there's most of it, there. Feel free to grab it, it was for you, anyhow," you say.
"Okie-Dokie," Meredith says cutely, as you see her unwrapping it.
"Here, let's share it," she says, as she breaks off one of the triangles and motions for you to open your mouth up wide.
"Ahh," you say as if you were at the dentist, and Meredith tries to throw the chocolate into your mouth, and she succeeds because she's only throwing it from two inches away.
"Goal!" She says, and then she giggles because she can't decide if feeding you like this is more akin to soccer or basketball.
"How about hockey, like they play in Canada?" You offer her as a metaphor.
"I think we would need ice skates for that," Meredith giggles, and you take the bar of chocolate and break off a piece to try to throw into Meredith's mouth.
She lets you, and she gobbles it down and asks for another.
You take turns throwing the chocolate around and laughing hysterically as she says that she really likes swiss chocolate.
She says that Cristina is always talking about how she might want to own a summer home there someday, when she's rich and famous and she has a whole hospital in her name.
"Yeah, I could see her in someplace like Zurich," you say, and then she asks you if you have ever traveled there, and you say that you have when you were on a family vacation when you were in high school.
You talk about the places you've traveled to as you finish off the chocolate bar.
And then Meredith says she's cold again and she snuggles into you all over again.
%%%
You fall asleep, she falls asleep. You only know you fell asleep first because you don't remember when she dozed off this time.
Usually you do remember that moment, the moment her breathing is in perfect rhythm, the moment her muscles go loose, the moment the calm washes over her face.
Usually you savor the moment when Meredith falls asleep, so you know when you finally wake up again one of the many times today that you must have difted off first because you don't remember her, doing so.
She's not awake yet, so you close your eyes again. You drift off. She's still asleep. She's asleep when you wake up again for a few minutes and then fall back asleep.
The whole day is a haze, and this is the good part. The day turns into the afternoon turns into evening and not a care in the world. Or maybe it was night at some point? You don't really remember or care.
All you care about is how safe you feel with Meredith in your arms, and with her holding your hands, in front of her, as you can see the shiny ring on her finger as she has tucked your palm into hers.
This is not the first time you've held hands before. You've held hands sometimes when she's reached for you. Usually when she is sad. It calms her. It calms you. You've held her hand.
She's holding your hand now, you're holding her hand now. You're holding hands.
You like it, you really like it. She's said to you before even just friends hold hands. So you do.
And you don't want to stop holding hands with her. Because you like holding hands with Meredith.
%%%
Meredith is awake again this time you wake up and realize you'd fallen asleep holding her hand.
She's studying you. You can feel her studying you as she tucks your red hair behind your ears and she caresses your temples on the sides of your face.
"Mm, hello Meredith," you say softly, as you test out your voice after sleeping so long.
"Hey Addie, you know, you're pretty when you're asleep. You wouldn't know that because you're unconscious. But you are," Meredith says to you.
"I think you're still high," you say to her, but you thank her for the compliment, anyway.
"Maybe, but I would say that if I was not high, as well. I just didn't say it before, because I forgot to tell you that the time you fell asleep in my lap in the car. I was gonna say that, but we had to go work as doctors. And then I needed surgery. And then I forgot. But I was already gonna say that sober," Meredith chuckles as she finally gets all the words out.
"Thanks, Meredith. You're very pretty when you sleep, too," you say back to Meredith because you mean it, and not just because she said it to you.
%%%
Sometimes you'll compliment each other. Sometimes she'll compliment your outfit, and sometimes you'll compliment hers.
Usually that's while you're out and around before you put your hospital scrubs on at work.
You've always been careful not to be too lavish with your words though, just because you don't want to overwhelm her or give yourself away.
But this time you say that, that she's pretty when she sleeps.
Because she is, and you want her to know that, because of course, she couldn't know herself unless she saw a picture.
It still wouldn't be the same, though, without her even breathing and calm rhythm of life.
Either way, you told her that, because you needed her to hear it and believe it.
You look at her big baby blue eyes, and you can tell Meredith is trying really, really, really hard to believe you, and she's fighting back her self-doubt to let your compliment sink in.
You try to take hers to heart the same way. It works for you. Mostly. More because Meredith said it, and you like to try hard to believe her.
She snuggles you more, but neither of you falls asleep this time.
You almost wish that nothing would ever change so that you and Meredith could just cuddle for the rest of eternity...
%%%
Eventually, though, people start to come in to check on Meredith.
The first one is Miranda Bailey, who checks Meredith's stitches and her incision site.
Bailey asks how Meredith is doing, and she answers that she feels well.
You notice that Bailey doesn't ask you any questions about why you're lying in bed next to her.
Bailey just smiles and says to you both that she can bring you dinner up from the cafeteria, and you both nod at her appreciatively as she walks out the door.
You swear you almost see Bailey winking at Meredith, but you have no idea what to think of the thought.
Meredith doesn't acknowledge this to you, she just nods up at Bailey and asks her to bring some noodles and chopsticks and a drink with no bubbles and maybe some jello.
Meredith doesn't ask Bailey for chocolate, and you smile when Bailey leaves and Meredith confesses to you that she wants to save that part for you.
This is the first you've heard her say that she doesn't want chocolate brought to her by someone else.
You've had that thought for a while now, but you're only now learning at least, that that little grain of loyalty, is deeply reciprocated.
(Though you don't tell Meredith at that moment you can't eat chocolate without her, either. You just smile and nod and say you'll have to see if they have chocolate ice cream, later.)
%%%
Richard Webber comes in, next, and repeats the same exam that Bailey just did. You let him, though, both knowing it's pointless to tell the Chief of Surgery that he can't check up on his patient.
You can tell Richard looks at Meredith like she is his own daughter. You can't imagine the pain he feels for her when she is hurt.
Webber notices the books on the wall, and he says that Meredith really liked 'The Places You Will Go," as a child. You believe him, and Meredith says that he's right and she smiles as he remembers this.
Richard says to you "take good care of her, Addie," before he leaves you both alone and promises he'll stop by later, and that he might find some flowers, to liven up the atmosphere.
You don't know why he is saying this to you, you figure it's because you stayed with her after her surgery, and you were there for the operation and before that as her admitting doctor.
You remember his smile at you and his fondness for Meredith, and you think, again, that you are glad that you two are still sort of friends, or at least not anything less than old pals from your residency and research days.
Preston Burke comes in for a very short hello, and then he almost immediately leaves again.
You're not really that close with Burke, and neither is Meredith, but she says hi and thanks to him for coming, and you realize she is doing this mostly for her person Cristina's sake.
%%%
Alex Karev and Izzie Stevens waltz in with a boatload of gummies from Izzie, and rainbow tootsie rolls from Alex.
Apparently Meredith loves these, also, you just never knew that because she eats chocolate with you and eats candy with her intern friends.
This theory is further proven when Cristina Yang barges in with an entire candy bouquet, and Meredith smiles wide at the giant blue lollipop in the center.
"It matches your scrubs!" Cristina says to Meredith, and also you.
It does, the light blue color does match the resident scrubs.
But of course, you were thinking it matched the color of her baby blue eyes, yet again...
The interns stay for a while, and you're relieved when none of them act weird around you or ask you to leave.
%%%
Meredith insists that you stay even when you move to step out for a while, to give them some time alone.
Meredith just shakes her head as if to say 'now, don't be so silly! You're my friend and they are my friends we can all be friends together, for me, now!'
You remember the time you turned the interns down for dinner, and you note that they are all genuinely smiling up at you now, and asking you to stay and not go.
So you stay, and George O'Malley is the next to visit along with Callie Torres.
Those two seem to be getting along better after prom, you note, and you are happy for them.
You figure that's why Callie hasn't noticed you've been taking care of Grey, a lot, and you're a little relieved that it's because she has someone intimate to be hanging out with.
Callie brings in chips for both of you, and you smile and thank her when you see she remembered the kind you had the last time you had chips with her.
George brings in sour patch kids and some other sour chewy things. He smiles when Meredith says "it's great that you all know I like brand-name candy the most,".
And then George just replies "how could I not, I go for groceries, I even buy your tampons from time to time."
%%%
They all laugh, and Cristina explains generously to you and Callie that originally the boys felt weird about buying 'girl stuff' at the pharmacy, but since they all started living at Mer's place at one time or another, they eventually got the hang of it.
You and Callie nod, and let out a chuckle. You tell a story about how Mark and Derek had once been squeamish about buying sanitary pads in medical school, so you had to send out Naomi.
Meredith asks if Mark and Derek ever got over that. You say it before you think not to. You say "does Derek ever buy you tampons?"
And she thinks for a moment before saying she doesn't remember if Derek ever did but she remembers that Mark did one time that he saw her with a red stain on her scrubs because she forgot to check her calendar that morning.
You say you're glad that Mark was supportive, because he's still a good friend of yours. And then you say that Mark started buying you tampons, too, eventually.
You don't say whether or not Derek started buying you tampons, and Meredith never asks.
%%%
Callie says that she never had that problem because she grew up with a sister named Aria.
You say that your brother Archer Montgomery bought you tampons only one time, but it was because his friends dared him to buy tampons, and he gave them to you because he didn't have a girlfriend at the time to give them to.
George says that he would buy Callie tampons, now, too. And then he asks to stop talking about tampons with you all and everyone seems to agree with that statement.
It's unspoken- and subtle, and nobody else tells the difference, but you notice George never volunteers to buy you hypothetical tampons. You understand, though, because you're not really friends.
And you didn't get along before he started dating Callie because you were bitter that he was always staring at Meredith in the same way that you were.
(And that you still are…)
%%%
You all sit together and eat candy and chips until Miranda Bailey walks in again and tells you to stop spoiling your dinner, and then she looks at you and Meredith, pointedly, before delivering your hot noodles and motioning for you to eat those immediately.
"Suppertime, girls," she says to both of you, and then she sets both you and Meredith up with a mini table tray over the hospital bed which you are still sitting on snuggled up to Meredith with and she hands you some chopsticks.
The other interns plus Callie get jealous of your delicious dinner, so they ask Bailey where she got it from and she sends them down to the cafeteria with the instructions of exactly what kind to order.
Miranda says for you to make sure Meredith eats up so she can recover from her surgery.
And then you think Bailey's going to leave, but she says to Meredith to make sure that you eat up so you can recover from teaching and observing and double-checking in surgery.
You both promise you will, and look at Bailey with a bit of a grin.
Bailey says that Richard has a whole tray of flowers coming in, and adds, "I hope you like orchids,".
And true to her word, Richard Weber bursts in with a delivery of flowers. You've never seen this much wildlife in a patient room before, but you figure that as the Chief, he'd have the authority to plant his transplanted-daughter an entire garden in the hospital if he really wanted to.
Richard leaves to let you both finish your dinner in peace, and he says to you, but not Meredith, obviously, that he'd see if he can get you the whole night off of work.
It's probably the nicest thing he's ever done for you and Grey... And both you and Meredith understand that this is a favor that he's doing out of an old loyalty to Meredith's mother, and also out of guilt for his affair, and out of guilt for having you keep that secret for so long.
Either way, you both nod and say "thank you," because it really is a big relief that you won't get paged into work at all, soon.
%%%
It's strange, the only people you have not seen at this point are Derek and Mark. You haven't seen Mark at all since Grey got out of surgery, and you haven't seen Derek while Meredith has been awake.
Meredith doesn't seem to be bothered by this, at all.
You sort of get it, even while you were dating and married to Derek, you realize, as your best friend at the time, there were times when you'd rather be with your best friends rather than with your boyfriend and later, husband.
It's not that Derek was a bad person, or is one today. It's just that it's nice to spend time apart, and some things can be offered to you by your closest friends in a way that they're not the same when offered to you by your partner.
You're lost in thought when Meredith finishes up her noodles, and you're rolling them around on your chopsticks because they are spicy and you have to eat them slowly.
"Better eat up, or Bailey's gonna be on my case about it!" Meredith squeals as she motions for you to take more bites of your noodles.
You laugh and say it's only Bailey that can turn the patients into doctors while they're still on morphine.
You notice that Meredith realizes as you say this that she's probably still high. She contemplates this and she just says to eat up before the broth starts to cool off.
So you do, you listen to Meredith because you know that you want to, and she's right, and Bailey's right and you feel much better once you've gotten all of your soup down.
Meredith is patting you on the head as if to say 'good girl, Addie'. And you tell her that it's funny but it makes you feel like a pet cat when she does that.
She laughs and asks if you've ever had a pet cat. You say you never have and you don't know if you want to, but you're not strongly opposed to having a cat or even a dog someday, maybe.
%%%
Meredith starts to talk about the 'deciding between two people' thing again, but you stop her and say you don't want to talk about that before she's recovered from her surgery a bit more, and when she no longer needs morphine to cope with the pain.
She sighs and says okay, and then she tells you she actually remembers everything, which is funny because you said she might forget it all afterward.
You're not sure whether to be glad or terrified based on the things you said and she said, but she reassures you that nothing that happened she would change now and that it won't stop her from being your friend.
Meredith Grey says to you, again, at that moment, that as your friend she still loves you, and that she always will.
You say it back to her, and you really, really mean it and you know that she knows that.
She offers you some of the red jello, because Bailey brought a red and a green one and she tells you the green one is awful.
You don't believe her until you taste it, the green one, that is but then you scoop up some of her red jello in reaction because it really does not taste as good as the red one.
She says she used to get bribed with red jello when she was a child here, so she knows practically the whole hospital menu.
You don't know what to say to Meredith to comfort her about having grown up in this hospital than in her own house.
She says it's her Sanctuary and that she wouldn't change it for the world. She says she learned to read and color and write here, and it's where she found her passion for medicine, after all.
You can't argue with that logic, so you smile and you just say "thank you for sharing the jello ''.
%%%
Meredith finally asks you how her surgery went, and you describe it in vivid medical detail.
You tell her that Geoge did a good job, and that Bailey and Webber were great teachers.
She says she bets you were, too, and you tell her you were a bit overwhelmed and Richard had to bring you water.
Meredith says there's no shame in that, that she gets thirty in the O.R sometimes, too, and that it's okay to ask for help when you need it.
You know she's talking to you about something deeper than just water, and you thank her for all of it.
Sometimes you need to have that said to you, that it's okay to be vulnerable, too.
She gets it, Meredith gets it, and you know that she does. She doesn't always open up to everyone, but neither do you. You open up to each other, mostly. And that helps both of you.
%%%
And then Meredith asks if you had your hands on or inside of her while she was open on the O.R table.
You said that you didn't and she says that's okay. And she apologizes for being so forward with you before when she was really, really, really high.
Meredith says to you "I didn't wanna make you uncomfortable, sometimes I say inappropriate things apparently when I'm intoxicated. Even sometimes I'm a vapid narcissist when I'm drunk. Turns out that morphine is no better for me than tequila!" She sort of giggles at this, and you giggle along a bit, too.
You're not sure how to take this, because she confirmed that in fact, she was making innuendo about you (and you-and-her?) before, as you tried not to think about.
And she thinks she might have crossed a line and hurt you, so you reassure her right away that you forgive her, and that she didn't cross a line with you, and that it didn't really make you uncomfortable with her, not in a way that would affect your friendship.
Meredith smiles at this, and she looks at you intently, still.
%%%
Meredith looks at you and you wonder what she is thinking.
You realize she's probably wondering what you are thinking.
You're thinking that in a very twisted way, a part of you likes that at least it has come up in her head one time, high or not high, the idea of you two having some sort of sex.
But then, you loathe yourself for this, because you think it's awful of you to be happy at the thought that she could have a boyfriend and be picturing sex with another person, even you.
But then again, you can't really think anything of that, because it was just a thought in her head, and you've done much, much, much worse than that many times.
You've actually let Mark have sex with you while you actively thought of other people, including her, and so you decide to let Meredith off the hook for thinking about you while she is with Derek.
She's looking at you still, Meredith is looking at you and you know you have to say something more, and so, you do. First you say if she wants to have more of this conversation when not high, you say you will with her and she agrees.
You talk to her more about the actual medicine and teaching part of the surgery.
%%%
You repeat that you didn't have your hands in or on her during her surgery, because you were teaching George and he had to learn hands-on for himself.
She accepts this without any more questions, and then Meredith says that she's glad that George learned how to do an appendectomy without being '007', and you agree, even if the first time on his first surgery had been an accident.
After a long moment, Meredith finally says that she is "glad that he has never been inside me in a sexual way."
You ask why on earth she would jump to that, and then Meredith says that she had a feeling that he had had a crush on her before he met Callie, and that she was glad he never said it out loud, because she didn't know how to let him down easy.
Meredith was worried she might sleep with him in a weak moment, just because he loved her so much, that if she ever, hypothetically, had a bad breakup with Derek that she might have slept with him by mistake.
You just say 'oh' because you have a million things on your mind, now.
%%%
If she knew George had had a crush on Meredith, then, did she know or suspect that you did/do, too?
You realize you're far from subtle, probably, and that the cuddling with her might not be helping.
You also realize that she's talking about what would happen if she broke up with Derek, and you worry that something not too great is going on between them, and you're not actually happy about that though, because you don't want Meredith to get hurt from him.
You also realize that she was worried she might sleep with George just because he loves her but she doesn't love him, and you worry that she worries that she could do the same thing to you; that she could kiss you or touch you or sleep with you and not mean it.
In a weak moment, if she ever did go through a rough patch, just because you're there and she's there and you are really into you.
You resolve that you won't let that happen though. You imagine that in the weirdest circumstance that she did/had slept with George out of pity and self-loathing that it would have torn them apart for a long time, and you won't let that happen to you and Meredith, no matter what.
%%%
You realize, in giving this all so much thought, that this involves imagining you in the situation of Meredith Grey asking to sleep with you, sexually, of course.
You don't want to think of that now, here, with her, though.
So you shut that off in your mind, and you try to clear your eyes of all your angst.
She looks at you and you look up at Meredith, and you try to look somewhat 'normal' of an expression.
Meredith knows you better than that, though, she knows you're thinking about something you don't want to talk about.
So she just says "it's okay, Addie," and she lets you off the hook about whatever it is.
You pull her into a hug and say "thank you," because you don't know how she always knows just what you need from her, but she does, and you hug her even harder and even cry a little bit at the thought, yourself.
Meredith wipes off your tears with her hand as she pulls you in closer. You hold her right back.
%%%
"I was scared we would lose you, that I would lose you, you know…" You say, finally.
"Oh, Addie, I wasn't going anywhere," she pulls you in tighter and tears up a bit, herself.
"I wasn't going anywhere, I wasn't going to leave everyone, I wasn't going to leave you…" She says this in a whisper as she holds you closer and closer.
You say "thank you" again. And she nods and says "shh" and soothes your hair back for a while.
She says she understands, at least, that if you had been open on the table, that she would be all terrified the whole entire time, too.
%%%
Eventually, Mark and Derek do make an appearance.
They show up together, at the same time, and they both bring the same gift of apple cider because they know that Meredith can't have champagne.
They have little wine glasses, and they pour up a non-alcoholic 'shot' for everyone in the room.
The four of you are here, now, you and Meredith curled up in the bed and the two of them sitting close on the chairs.
You make polite conversation, because the drama still has not seemed to blow over from your whole 'baby-not-baby-drama' and you don't want Meredith to get caught in the crossfire.
Derek eventually does ask you for a moment alone with Meredith.
You silently thank Derek for not calling her 'his girlfriend' in front of you, and you notice Mark noticing this thought in you.
Mark steps out with you, and you go far away from the door so you can't hear them, and they can't hear you two.
You wonder what they are talking about, but you know you shouldn't pry.
You try to focus on Mark as he leads you to stretch because you've been lying down for hours and only sitting up for the rest of it.
Mark is a good friend still, you think.
At this moment, now, at least, he seems to be putting aside any anger he has at your for the 'pregnancy' thing.
%%%
Mark tells you that he's not quite ready to forgive you quite yet for not telling him about the baby.
He says he forgives you for the termination because that's your right and your body.
He says that's all okay, and he understands why you didn't tell him, but he says that he's still hurt by not knowing until after and that it will take him a while to be your best friend again.
You thank him, you thank Mark, for all of it.
Mark says "I'm still your friend, Red, I always will be. I just can't be your best friend again, yet, and I'm just starting to take Derek back as my best friend."
You say you're really glad he and Derek are getting along again, you say that you know that he missed him.
%%%
Mark says he missed Derek more than anything else, after what happened between the three of you.
You say you understand. You get it. That he's his person- like Meredith is to Cristina.
He says yes, that Derek will always feel like his person- and when he lost Derek he was so, so, so lost.
You understand; you tell him you never wanted to replace his best friend even when you tried to make a go at something in New York.
You tell him you forgive him for cheating on you, which you knew about, all along.
He says he forgives you for never being able to love him back or to give him sex, the way that he craved it.
You say you're glad he's finally admitting that a part of him wanted more from you, than you could give him.
He says he understands, he understands how it is. He's loved other people in his life that have not loved him back, before you, and he says that he gets it, that's all.
%%%
You realize Mark is saying this kindly about himself to give you an opening to talk about you, now.
About your unrequited feelings for Meredith Grey.
You tell him how much it's wonderful to be this close to her as her friend, that you two share so many moments together, that you love it but you wish you could have everything with her.
You tell Mark how you want Meredith to be happy beyond anything, but seeing her with someone else is hard, even if it's Derek, who you loved as a best friend, once, and sometimes you still care for him as an old friend.
He says that he gets it, and he says that he's sorry if it isn't going your way.
You say thank you to Mark because you know he doesn't have to talk about this, so nicely, with you, now that he has Derek as his best friend back, and that he has to be loyal to Derek, too.
He tells you that he's glad that you're always there for Meredith, as her friend, and that you're always respectful of her.
He says it's nice to know that Meredith will always have you in her corner, no matter what happens or doesn't with her parents, or with her uncle Richard, or with her bosses, or with her friends, or even with Derek.
You thank him for this. You tell him you're glad Derek will always have him, Mark, in his corner, too.
%%%
You don't know what to think about the last thing Mark said about 'no matter what happens with Meredith and Derek'.
This idea is coming back to you, and you realize Meredith vaguely said a similar thing, and you're really unclear about where all of this is coming from.
You wonder why Mark is doubting their relationship, but then again, you flashback to Meredith's conversation about 'choosing between two people' and you realize this could have drastic effects on their relationship if Meredith said this sort of thing to Derek, now, or before.
You don't know, and you realize you're shaking.
Mark holds you, because he knows you need something to ground you.
It's not Meredith's touch, but he is your friend and you know him well, and you accept this platonic affection from him.
He tells you it's all going to be okay, and you can still be friends no matter what, and maybe even be best friends again.
You say thank you because you know that's the biggest thing Mark Sloan can offer you right now, and that you can offer him, in return, after all.
%%%
Derek Shepherd is in Meredith Grey's room with her for what seems like hours, so you go venturing off again, taking a shower, and freshening up and changing into fresh clothes.
You check on some work stuff to make sure all is handled, before Richard sends you away and tells you you have the night off so you better use it.
Miranda Bailey smiles at you and asks how Meredith is.
You say she ate all her soup and so did you, and she says she is very glad, and that she trusted both of you to make sure you would eat, drink, and sleep.
You see Bailey walk away from you, now, and you wonder what she is thinking when she says all those things to you, and you wonder if she thinks mre of all the time you were cuddling.
She doesn't seem to have any negative preoccupations at all, though, so you take that as good.
You run into Callie and George in the cafeteria and you give them an update, they thank you.
You run into Alex and Izzie and you say about the same thing before you leave them alone together.
You run into Cristina and Burke and Meredith asks how she's doing and you go into more detail because you know Meredith is her person. She thanks you as well.
You don't see Mark around anywhere, so after all that, you head back in the direction of Meredith's room, to see how they are doing.
%%%
When you arrive near Meredith's room, you find Derek crying in Mark's arms.
You immediately think that Meredith died or something, but Derek clears that up right away as he tells you 'she's fine, Meredith is perfectly fine, she's perfectly fucking fine!"
You wonder why she's swearing about her, his own girlfriend, because that makes no sense.
But then you hear Derek cry into Mark's shoulder, and whimper, loud enough so that you can hear:
"She left me. Meredith Grey just left me. She left me, for good…"
"Oh," you realize you said that out loud and you're just staring at Mark and Derek.
And then all the puzzle pieces fit together; that's why Mark is holding his best friend, Derek, now.
Derek just got his heart, broken, and he's around to help him. He helped you, he's helping him.
You decide you really do want Mark Sloan to be a good friend to you after all, someday soon, because he sure does pull up for people when they really need him to be there.
%%%
You realize that this is probably because of the 'Meredith saying she's picking between two people', thing.
You don't ask this out loud, but you don't have to, because Derek starts whimpering out to you, and Mark, over again.
"Meredith loves me, she says that as a friend she still loves me, but that she loves someone else, too, and that she's falling for them more than me and she doesn't want to string me along…" Derek says as he whimpers again.
"Meredith just said that I didn't do anything wrong for her after the time that I lied to her about you, Addison, and our outstanding marriage on paper. But she said she never really got over that, and she tried to make it work with me but she couldn't…" Derek continues.
"She started to tell me this, right after you left her room, Addison, before her surgery. She started to say this thing about having her heart cut in two because she was emotionally a mess, and she started to break up with me, but I told her before, that she should wait until after, in case it was just the pain and appendicitis and the morphine talking…" Derek yelped.
"But then when she just talked to me just then, Meredith says that she didn't forget anything that happened while she was on painkillers, and that she meant every word, and that she's thought about it and she doesn't want to be with me anymore, that it wasn't fair to me, anyway, when she was already starting to have more and more feelings for someone else entirely…" Derek cries.
%%%
You jump in and tell him you're sorry. He says thank you before he keeps going on.
You don't know what to think about all this. Meredith just left Derek, but she loves someone else.
So it's not like you have a shot after all, but you selfishly think that at least she might want to have chocolate with you after to discuss her breakup, and then you hate yourself for thinking of how you could spend time with her just because she's in pain, because you want her to need you when she's not hurting, too.
And you hope Meredith still does, that as your friend who loves you as her friend, that she'll never stop needing you no matter how happy or sad she may ever be…
Derek starts talking again, "Meredith says she almost cheated on me, she says she was tempted and she knew it would be wrong. She says she was on the verge of having an emotional affair against me, and that she was terrified she'd be tempted to have an actual affair, so that's why she just left me. Meredith Grey finally left me…" Derek finishes that part.
Mark pipes up to explain that he was there right after it happened, that's how he knew the story already from Derek, and that's why they've been gone and talking the whole day, because Mark knew it might come to this, when Meredith woke up, and that's why he or Derek couldn't bear to be around waiting for Meredith to wake up, earlier, for long.
%%%
You realize you're selfishly relieved that they weren't only just spending time with each other bonding over how much they hated you for the 'baby' thing. That it was them talking about their futures, especially Derek's future that he didn't know before now he'd be losing with Meredith.
Mark reads your mind or something, as he tells you that they were almost only talking about Derek's love problems, not yours, and not anything to do with the whole 'baby' thing. You say you're glad, and you tell Mark you're glad that he was there for Derek, and also vice versa.
You ask them what is going to happen, now. Mark says he's going to be there for Derek as long as he needs him as his best friend, and you nod and say that is great. Derek says that he's going to take a break before dating again. You tell him that's great and you are happy for him.
Derek then says to you, and also to Mark, who already knows this, that "Meredith left me, Derek Shepherd, to try, with this other person she loves. She says she loves HER as a friend. That's how she came out to me. Which is okay, I'm glad she did, and then she said she loved HER as maybe more, and now she wants to tell HER her feelings. She says she wants more, with HER."
%%%
You don't dare hope it could be you, right away, even though you do fit the profile in every way. He tells him he's okay with Meredith being bi, he's just crushed about his breakup, he accepts the LBGT thing for all that it's worth. You say you understand, because you know he really did try with her, even though he did fuck up about lying about you.
You don't want to dream too hard, and you want to support Meredith no matter who this other woman- Even if the thought of her having another female best friend that she loves and wants to date makes you want to throw inanimate objects at walls until they shatter into a million pieces.
You don't move, you don't blink, you just stand there until you finally look up and tell Derek "thank you" for telling the truth. Then you look at Mark, who winks at you over Derek's shoulder to tell you that he genuinely thinks that it's YOU. He thinks that it's you who Derek is quoting about. That it's you she has feelings for. That it's you she left him for. That it's been you for a while.
You let it sink in a bit, as you try to understand it all.
It's really you and not him, who Meredith loves most,
It could really be you, who Meredith loves as more than just her very, very, very close friend, after all…
%%%
You want to run to try to find her, right away, but you decide that first, you want to note this in your diary. Meredith will tell you when she is ready, and you want to give her space after she just left your ex-husband and her now ex-boyfriend. You need to give her time to heal herself more.
You want to savor this moment, because now is the possibility of time where it could yet be real... Or when it could be all just an illusion, but you try not to think of that. You trust Mark's wink!
You write some of your diary entry, this time, on an old chart of Meredith's because it was in your hand still at the time and you're too shaky with excitement to climb up over the shelf to reach your diary right away.
You'll paste it into your diary later along with the entry you wrote on the notepad that you still have in your chest pocket. Or maybe your scrapbook for her. You're not sure which, yet. But that's not the point at all, if it's all for Meredith, who might just love you back?
You head to your office but she's not there, either. You realize that's a stupid thought to think because she's in a patient room, where you had also been almost the entire day. And so you page her to let her know that you'll come to join her after you finish what you are doing, AKA while you write in your diary.
You can't wait to tell Grey the good news, but you want to write it all down before you forget. You paste in all the other stuff from the note close to your chest to the chart and all the errant pieces lying around.
Because you want to write everything and anything you can remember of this damn moment. Because today is the day that could be the beginning of everything…
You're glad, at least, that Mark and Derek seem to have reconciled, even if you pulled them apart only for an end of an era for you and Mark and a breakup with Grey for Derek to have brought them back together again. You're also relieved Derek is super cool with Gay people...
You cannot contain your excitement, and you hope with everything that you have, that Mark wasn't wrong when he winked at you over your Meredith's now ex-boyfriend's shoulder.
For the first time ever, since you met her at Seattle Grace, you let yourself be hopeful about fully loving Meredith Grey as more than just your very, very, very, close friend.
Maybe now that she's finally single and you're single and you are both openly queer…. Maybe now, together, you will still always be great friends… But apparently Meredith might be really willing to try with you. You could try. You could maybe ever, for each other, finally, be more…?!
-Addison Montgomery
Written as a hodgepodge of papers literally, physically, carbon copied and pasted in her personal diary. Some of it is in beautiful cursive, some of it is written in a shitty hospital pen, still. But the last part that was written in Addison's office is still written with Addison's favorite pen, her token, her lifeline, and her personal gift and keepsake, from her one true love, Meredith Grey.
***** END OF CHAPTER THIRTY
Author's Note:
Congratulations, audience. You've made it with me to 30 Chapters!
Hope you liked this Chapter. I have been working on it all day, that's why it took so long.
It's an important one, so I wanted it to be tweaked to be just right and it's also the longest one.
See you round in the comments. Let me know what you think about the 'revelations'.
Did you like all of this plotline? Let me know if you did! Mer is single now!
Meredith left Derek. Meredith loves somebody who is her very close friend.
Mark thinks that it's Addison. Addison thinks it really might be her...
What the hell will happen next? What do you want to see happen next!?
(I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS NEXT I AM SO TIRED RIGHT NOW BUT ALSO EXCITED!)
-Also LordOfLezzies mentioned about them feeding chocolate to each other so I wrote that in, here. TY.
-Also AddisonAddek probably influenced me understanding some of this Mark/Addie/Derek dynamic because you're amazing.
Have a great one, best wishes,
bobbiejelly.
And of course, onto the dedications:
Ao3:
LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3
AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.
ChrissyBrown1127 for the bookmark!Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 1 subscription, 188 hits so far. 6 Kudos. 110 comments! 2 Bookmarks!
Fanfiction:
smountain for the lovely review. 782 views.
Wattpad:
Some people, like addiesrep and new_being, mostly for now... Read this all in one go and left me a note on almost every chapter and that makes me overjoyed!
Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.
Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.
myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1. Hoeshiii_ is working their way through this!
danielaperezsurga, new_being, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 530 reads, 84 comments, and 201 stars.
Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.
Ps. Two new MerAdd fics are up:
A Better Speech - A Better Lover Meredith gets her Mojo Back - And so does Addison!... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:
Falling Apart, Barely Breathing Soothe A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition Out Of The DarkFeel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!
bobbiejelly