Chapter Twenty: Why
It was nighttime, gone past eleven o'clock, and Makoto Granger was sweating bullets beneath the thin bedding. Angry and tired of tossing and turning, he threw the covers aside and got up.
Tiptoeing the hall and stairs, he found himself heading into the living room, uncle Max curled up on the couch. He stared at him for a minute more before making his way outside.
Stepping out onto the back porch, the nippy night air bit at his humid and tacky skin and the icy, damp hardwood tingled his feet. He needed some space to try and settle his addled mind, room let go and inside wasn't cutting it. Without his crutch to latch on to, thoughts were eating at him. He was fighting with himself, and there was no escaping the screaming match.
Leaning over the ledge, Makoto put his hands to his head, gripping his matted midnight strands. Pieces of the dark blue tuffs stuck to his face and neck, making him feel crowded and hotter than before.
In the adjacent distance, in some house's garage, he heard what sounded like rising guitar rifts, and he wasn't sure why but his ears leaned into it. This was soon followed by a young adult male voice.
No doubt I've done this to myself
The more you know
The more you know
And I just can't quit it if you couldn't tell
I've seen it all
I've seen it all
Then he heard an electric keyboard playing three to four chords.
And at night I beg myself to put this all to rest
While I wrestle with these demons pressing on my chest
Within that he heard drums.
Am I a fake?
Am I a fraud?
And is it worth losing you for?
Another pain
I can't ignore
Another morning on the floor
I take the blame
I wanna change
But I can't settle the score
Now I'm a slave, to better days
And I'm not willing anymore
... I had a dream that I was drowning everyone I've ever loved...
The booming electric guitar hit his ears but he didn't mind, he liked it.
I'm feeling heavier despite my hollow soul
I'm feeling anxious now it's swallowing me whole
And at night I beg myself to put this all to rest
While I wrestle with these demons pressing on my chest
Cold water running down my face
Just let it go
Just let it go
But there is no mending what I can't replace
I should've known
I should've known
Am I a fake?
Am I a fraud?
And am I worth losing you for?
Now I'm gutted, to the core
Like I've never been before
I'm feeling heavier despite my hollow soul
I'm feeling anxious now it's swallowing me whole
And at night I beg myself to put this all to rest
While I wrestle with these demons pressing on my chest
Now it's sinking in
Thick skin is wearing thin
Out of my mind
And it won't come as any surprise
And I've paid for it this time
I'm feeling heavier despite my hollow soul
I'm feeling anxious now it's swallowing me whole
And at night I beg myself to put this all to rest
While I wrestle with these demons pressing on my chest
I'm feeling
I'm feeling
I'm feeling heavier
I'm feeling
I'm feeling
I'm feeling heavier
The slight creaking of the screen door regrouped him but he didn't move a muscle.
"The song is originally by a band called Slaves, it's called Heavier. Do you like them? I do," Max cheerfully said as he approached him, coming to stand next to him.
"What do you want, uncle?" Makoto asked, laying his head on his arms. Company, this was the last thing he wanted.
"To be dating someone longterm, but that's not likely to happen," Max said, snorting at his own half-joke.
"Think you could help me?" he tried, seeing the kid needed to laugh at something, and at this point he felt it may as well be him.
When he got nothing for an answer, Max frowned, feeling at odds on what to do.
After looking around the flourishing, fenced off property, he asked, "What's got you up so early?"
"Just can't sleep," Makoto simply answered.
Max briefly smirked, knowing full well what the real reason was. Straightening up, he let the night's beauty catch his eyes.
"Is that right?" Max paused, "Your actions say it's something more,"
"Is that so?" Makoto grumbled out, his temper simmering to a medium-low.
Max patted his back a couple of times, and said, "Come on, let's go in, it's getting colder,"
Against his better judgment, Makoto let Max lead him back inside, fighting the urge to punch his lights out. This cop was main the reason he was in this downward spiral to begin with!
Max sat him down on the couch and made his way into the kitchen.
Makoto, spotting an opportunity, made a dash for the front door. The moment his hand touched the cold, rounded knob, a voice pulled his hand away from it.
"And just where do you think you're going?"
Makoto turned to see Max placing two cups of tea on the coffee table in front of the sofa.
Facing his nephew, Max said, "Come on, sit with me,"
"And why should I do that?" Makoto droned, clearly not wanting to.
"Because I'm old and lonely," Max whined, feigning sadness as he gave the boy the puppy dog pout.
Once more, ignoring the little voice that shouted to runaway, Makoto went over and sat down on the couch.
Max sat down next to him, taking up his own mug of tea while handing Makoto his with his other hand.
Makoto took it, letting the warmth make an attempt to ease his frayed nerves.
"Now what?" Makoto asked, wishing to be anywhere but here.
"... We talk,"
Makoto glanced up at the man, never having heard such a serious voice come out of him before. He stayed quiet though, not having a thing to say, ironically.
Finishing off his tea, Max took another moment to collect his thoughts.
Looking at Makoto, he asked, "What makes you drink the way you do?"
Makoto instantly went stiff, immobile, his limbs locking him in place. He wanted to move but he couldn't. Feeling trapped, he sunk into freeze mode, becoming short of breath on top of an ever-escalating heart rate.
No, no, no, this isn't happening, Makoto's mind screamed. He covered up his tightly wrenched eyes with his hands, not hearing the cup crashing to the floor, and proceeded to ride out this spontaneous mental attack, vocal flashes from home coming to him.
"Makoto," Max hollered, placing a gentle hand on his tiny shoulders. He got up from the couch and knelt down on one knee in front of him, worried half to death.
"Makoto," he tried again, feeling awful.
"Makoto," he said a little louder, near yelling.
With a sharp breath in and a head jerk upward, Makoto finally came to, seeming more broken than before.
"Makoto, honey? I'm right here, you're safe. You're okay now," Max softy said, repeatedly running a comforting hand through the boy's sopping wet mane.
In the public eye, this action wasn't deemed very masculine but he didn't care. Just as women could be manly in their own respects, men could be motherly. As far as he was concerned, when it came to a child's wellbeing, gender was beside the point. Single parents were proof of that.
After catching his breath, Max had Makoto stay put as he cleaned up the glass and liquid.
"That was quite a big one you had there, are you okay?" Max asked, done with the cleanup and back on the couch at Makoto's side.
The boy only nodded, unable to say anything. He'd gone into what he internally referred to as Soldier Mode. This meant that he shut down and later recollected himself in some semblance of a human being, usually going with the motions, on autopilot. But this time was different. Instead of gearing up for another day with everything he dealt with either numbed or somewhat shut off, he was facing someone head-on and with it all weighing down on him.
"Makoto?" Max uttered after a minute or two, letting the dust settle, "I'm sorry about earlier, but I just want you to know that I'm here if you ever need to talk,"
Makoto nodded, finally looking at him and mouthing 'thank you' in a teary-eyed manner as he blinked a few times.
"I'm sorry too, for being born," he said, choking up some more before noisily clearing his throat, the action palpably painful.
Max's heart broke in two, his ocean blues welling up with water, "What do you mean by that? We all love you to bits,"
"Yeah, you three do. Everybody else just sees me as a waste of space," he muttered, his proverbial pot boiling on high.
Max couldn't believe what he was hearing. Did he truly believe that?
"Do you mean your parents?" Max finally asked, picking up on where he may have learned this mindset.
"Yeah, they hate me, and I hate them," he spat matter of factly, ice in his tone and the stated hatred searing in his eyes.
"Why do you think they hate you?"
He thought that over time Tammy and Tyson, really Tyson, would learn to love him despite the negative circumstances that brought him to them. But, it appeared time, Tammy, and other things had morphed the man known as Makoto's father into an unrecognizable shell that sported a familiar face.
"Because I'm not normal,"
Max made a tight and scrunched up face at that, "Not normal-"
"NO!" Makoto screamed, not caring if he woke anyone up.
"Shhhh!" Max spit, angrily putting a finger to his lips, eyes flaring with a warning.
Lowering his finger Max whispered, "Now what makes you think you're not normal?"
"Because I'm not like other guys," Makoto muttered out, tears welling up in his eyes.
Max let a hard, small breath pass his limp mouth, the rest still stuck in his throat. He hadn't expected that answer. Piecing it all together, he shattered into himself.
For fuck's sake, Max thought, the reality of it all slapping him across the face.
"Now give me my stash back," Makoto demanded, holding a hand out to him.
"Why don't you try and fill your life with other things? Do stuff with people?" Max tried to reason, suddenly remembering stuff from Kai's time in therapy.
"I don't need other things or people," Makoto said, mocking him, "I just need my booze, now give them to me,"
"Makoto, you don't need it anymore. You have our endless support. And I know it doesn't seem possible at this very moment but you can make a life without it, with us, here. You may get a lecture for running your mouth from time to time but no one's gonna beat you for being yourself or speaking up. We all want you here, to be around us, not locked away,"
"How do you know?" Makoto bit, riled up, knowing not every person in this odd mashup of a family thought the same way.
With a hard inhale Max took a minute to contemplate whether he should really say it. This was not how he expected this talk to go.
"B-because, I'm gay too,"
Makoto did a double-take, the two letting the weight of the conversation sink in. Did he hear him right?
"You, you're that way too?" Makoto croaked out, on the verge of buckling.
Max only nodded, licking his dry lips afterward. "Yup,"
"Do, do your folks know?"
"They do, have for about a decade," Max said, giving him another firm nod for good measure.
Makoto's jaw went weightless, falling away from his face, "A-and?" he shakily asked through quivering breaths, fearing the answer, "What did they- How did they react, to you?"
Max averted his gaze to the floor, his nerves revving up while a humid blush flushed his pale cheeks.
Rubbing the back of his neck, he bashfully said, "Well, they were definitely shocked at first," he stood straight and added, "It took some time but they eventually accepted me,"
Makoto felt warm inside at the idea of having an ally in all of this, but also bitter that he couldn't have had that. Why did his mom have to find those magazines several months ago and then run to tell his dad? It's like she enjoyed making him suffer, oh wait, because she did. And what's worse is they weren't even his, but a group of older boys that he no longer spoke to. Neither of them listened to him though. Nope, on binges of any kind he was a kid and kids didn't have valid opinions.
Max could feel some all-too-familiar emotions radiating off of him, and in the midst of placing a hand on his shoulder, he smiled and said, "Makoto?"
The preteen looked at him expectantly, though he was apprehensive to some degree, "Yes?"
"I love you, and I'm here if you need anything at all, okay? And I won't tell Kai, that's always gonna be left up to you,"
Makoto smiled, feeling a bit more like himself, "I love you too, and thank you."
After Max ruffled his hair, Makoto went on up back to bed, feeling strange and yet overjoyed about how the whole chitchat went. But he couldn't help but keep reasking himself... Did he really just learn that uncle Max was gay? That was amazing news to know!
To Be Continued...