Thirteenth part: speaking up

Jim John Legend – Made to Love

When I woke up, I was alone in the room. The bed was still warm so Chris had to be somewhere. She might have been up for only a few minutes... I woke up and she was in the kitchen. We ate breakfast and went to work without saying a word. I took my bike, she took her car. It was better if anyone knew we were together last night.

Days at work were busy. Even if the Sczenik cousins had been arrested, the city was still full of criminals: drug dealers, gangs, robbers, murderers. We didn't have a minute to rest. And in fact, I loved that because it prevented me from thinking about my personal life which was very complicated by the way.

I liked when my mind was busy and not thinking. I loved acting, being in the move, catching bad guys and having fun with my colleagues. Tan couldn't stop teasing me about my love life.

"Didn't see Molly for a long time, bro. Is she OK? Are you OK? "

I nodded (what else to do?) and mumbled. I said she had a lot of work to do, she was very busy and couldn't come to see me as often as she'd love to. Chris looked at me and then down. She knew the situation, she knew Molly and I had broken up for weeks now. And she also knew I didn't want to tell about it to the guys… At least, not now, not like that, not here.

Days passed and each day, I followed the same pattern: I left SWAT headquarters after duty, sometimes, I took a drink with the guy and then I drove my bike to North Hollywood to my house. I stayed there for a couple of hours, I drank a beer in the courtyard or I made laundry. And then when the day fell, I felt the urge to go to Chris's . I couldn't explain why. I just did. So I took my bike, drove through LA back to her apartment, lay down next to her and felt asleep until the morning after.

Two years ago, when I entered SWAT, I was just a young stupid cop who fell for his co-worker who made it really clear from the beginning she would never date a cop. Then, we became friends, best friends and it was enough because at the time, it was the only thing I could get. And then we kissed, and I thought something between us was possible… And the she cut ties with me. And I met Molly and she was nice, cute, perfect… but she was not Chris and I blew everything up with her.

And now, I didn't know where I was. Almost each night, I couldn't stop going to Chris's and sleeping with her…. At first, she was surprised and puzzled. But by now, she didn't even lock her door as if she was waiting for me to come. We didn't talk, we just shared looks, smiles, moments. And to say the truth, it was enough. I felt good, calm, peaceful. It lasted for weeks. I almost thought this situation was normal up to the night, Chris asked me if we could talk...

Chris SATV Music - Can't stop this feeling

I was not gonna lie, I had loved when Street came and lay down against me. I knew it was not good, I knew I had promised myself not to fall for another cop. But here I was. And the bad thing was I thought he felt the same way… To be fair, I didn't know if it was a bad thing… But I did know something was going on right here, right now.

This morning, I was glad to see him next to me. I was glad he came to eat his breakfast with me. We didn't say a word, we were not great talkers. We just enjoyed each other company. And then, it was time to go to work.

At work, I didn't think about anything else as doing the best I could to catch bad guys: all my force and energy led me to arrest criminals and make LA streets surer. "More action and less reflection" was my mantra of the moment. My job was all I loved and all I needed. I didn't think, I just did? I ran, I jumped, I shot, I climbed. Oh God, how I loved what I did! And even more when my personal life was such a messy mess!

I used to being a free mind, I always been and I always will be. But since some times, I was lost. I dated Jilly for fun (and also to prove Street I was better at flirting as he), then I started to see Kyra and it was good. She was nice, she was perfect but she had a Ty. I tried to be as good with him as I was with her. For some reasons I didn't get, we never had been on the same wavelength. He even accused me of loving Kyra more than him. I had never denied I loved her more.

She was the one I had met first, she had brought him into the equation and I loved what we had had; But they never understood my dedication to my job and the relation I had with my teammates. And I finally understood I could never interfere in their marriage… They loved each other. I saw that by myself at the fundraiser as they were by the bar. It was also this night my relationship with Street changed forever. I was still mad at myself for kissing him in his courtyard… I was drunk but that was not an excuse. I could have stopped what was happening. I did nothing, I even deepened the kiss. Shame on me! Since that moment, my personal life was upside-down. I tried to push him away, as far away as I could, but he always came back to me. It was as I we were attracted like magnets.

After he broke up with Molly, he started to come and sleep with me. I didn't push him this time. I didn't have the force to do so. And it happened night after night. Street came to my apartment late at night and lay down in my bed. We slept in the same bed for almost a month now and we didn't talk about it. Not that I was mad at him to ocome and stay with me. But I needed words this time, I needed explanations, I needed to … talk.

So this night, when Street came home by me, I sat in the bed and asked him if we could talk...