« I'm engaged. »
These two words, so unexpected in Souji's mouth, resonated in Haruhi's chest like a thunderstorm.
« Souji, that's not funny... » she muttered, eyes wide.
« It's not a joke, Haruhi. » he stated, bringing the cup of tea back to his lips.
Haruhi felt like the Shieikan was collapsing on her and the floor disappearing under her feet. She held the corner of the table with both hands not to fall and her mouth had a taste of ashes when she managed to speak again.
« To whom ? » she asked in a broken voice, the words heavy on her tongue.
« Tama. »
« Tama ?! » she repeated.
She was unable to ask anything else. The words were spinning in her mouth and there were so many questions she wanted to ask that they were all merging one into another and couldn't get out. Souji just nodded, an unreadable expression painted on his face.
« You're kidding me... » she whispered.
« I'm not. » he sighed « I'm gonna marry her in a few months when all the arrangements are made. »
« You're gonna marry... Tama... » she whispered again.
The concept was so hard to fathom for her that only saying it could make her realize it was tangible. Souji was engaged to Tama and he was going to marry her.
« Why ? » she asked, strangling herself with the word.
« Tsune has no husband anymore, neither son. » he explained « If Tama marries, she will take care of her step family and Tsune won't have anyone to look after her for her old days. I don't have any family left and have Tsune in high esteem. I'll care for her. »
« You can care for her without marrying Tama ! » she yelled, unable to keep her cool.
« The Shieikan is in Tama's trousseau. » he sighed « anyone marries her and we could be kicked out. It's not our home here, it belongs to Kondou-san's family. »
« So you're marrying Tama... »
« Believe me, I turned it in every way in my mind already. » he said, putting down his finished cup of tea « It's the only possible way to keep caring for Tsune. Without the Shieikan, we have no source of income and no way to send her money. »
« But... What about... »
Us.
She couldn't even say it. Was there a Us anyway ? She wasn't even sure. She felt like she was waking up from a dream but not the peaceful wake up, more like the icy bucket one. Had she really been foolish enough to think that this could go on forever ? The return to reality was like landing face in the dirt and swallowing some, leaving her mouth dry and filled with ashes.
« Haruhi... » said Souji « I'm sorry... I'm still figuring out the details with Tsune. »
« The details ?! » she yelled « how long have you known ?! How long have you kept me in the dark ?! Was everything a big fat lie ?! »
« It wasn't. » he shook his head « and it's still not. I want you to stay, Haru-chan. You said you'd stay by my side. »
« As long as you will have me ! That didn't mean "Oh okay, Souji ! Go ahead and marry someone else ! It's fine ! I'd love to be only the other woman !" »
« I thought you didn't want to marry. » he stated, pouting.
« But I'm not okay for you to marry someone else ! You insensitive jerk ! » she yelled, throwing her cup of tea against a nearby wall, missing Souji's head from only inches. Yet, he didn't even budge and the teacup exploded with a sonor sound of shattering ceramic.
« Haruhi... » he tried, but she wasn't even listening to him anymore.
« You fucking bastard ! » screamed Haruhi, banging her fist on the table « Did you even think about my feelings before you took that decision ?! Do you even love me ?! »
« Haruhi... »
« Answer me ! I'm gonna figure out what lies inside your heart even if I need to cut it out of your damn chest ! »
« Haruhi, I'm still figuring out the details but there is nothing shocking about my decision. » he said, getting up to take her in his arms « A lot of marriages aren't bound by love and lots of spouses don't even share bed when they don't have marital obligations. Lots of warriors have concubines and their status equals the one of the wife. I can still be with you most of the time. »
« And the rest of the time, you'll be fucking Tama ! » she yelled, wiggling to escape Souji's arms.
« Only to secure our marriage and bring to the world a male heir for the Shieikan. » he muttered « it's not gonna be that bad. Tama will live under our roof and you two are good friends already. »
« And I'll have to wait, alone in our fucking bed, that you return from Tama's room because you'll be fucking her. » she stated « maybe you'll grow found of her and you'll start spending your nights there and maybe I'm gonna witness her belly getting bigger, knowing that your child's in there. I will see it grow up and look more and more like you and nothing like me, because it'll be Tama's. »
« You might have children too and they'll be treated equally, raised as siblings. »
« With Tama's. » she stated again, finally escaping Souji's grip.
« I don't think you're focusing on the right thing, Haruhi... » he sighed, combing his own hair with his fingers « Tama will also help with the household and you'll have more time on your hand to focus on your role as sensei of the Shieikan. »
A shiver crawled down Haruhi's spine and she wanted to vomit and throw whatever she could grab at Souji's face. She regretted not to have her sword with her because she really could kill him in that instant.
« Was it the only reason ? » she asked, trembling with rage.
« What ? » asked Souji in return, confused.
« The reason you offered me that instructor position. » she stated « Was it to tie me to this place, to you, because you knew already you'll marry Tama ? »
« I knew. » he replied grudgingly « but you earned your position only because of your skills. »
« At my Kenjutsu or at sucking your fucking dick ?! » she yelled again, throwing her clenched fist at Souji's face.
He probably could have evaded it if he wanted, but he didn't. Her fist collided with his cheek with more force than expected from a girl but she was a warrior before being a girl. Souji's head turned with the impact and a small stream of blood escaped his lips slightly curled in a smile, which enraged her even more.
« You're overreacting. » he just said which earned him another punch that he still didn't dodge.
« I fucking love you, Souji ! » she yelled, the tears invading her eyes.
Don't cry, swallow them back ! You can't appear weak now !
« I know... » he sighed, closing the distance between them and taking her in his arms.
« Don't even touch me, you bastard ! »
« Haruhi... I'm pretty sure I love you too. » he said softly « I need you to stay, please. Don't go. »
« And be your personal whore. » she spitted.
Even Souji's confession couldn't make the anger go away. She was feeling betrayed, outraged and sadder than she'd ever been.
« A concubine isn't a whore. » he frowned « You'll have the same status as my wife, your children will be my heirs just like hers, and... we could keep being together. »
« Concubines are a dying specie. » she stated.
« What do you mean ? » he asked with furrowed brows.
« The world is changing, moulding into a western one. Swords are banned, there are no more castes, no more daimyo, no more shogun. I might have the rights of a concubine for a year or two, or three, or whatever but what about when they will ban them too and strip them and their children from any rights of succession and favour only the official wife ? »
« If that happens, I won't let you down. » he said softly.
« You don't know anything of this new world. You've been away for too long. You don't know what future will hold. »
« You're right, I don't. » he said, untying her braid and combing his fingers in her hair, grabbing handfuls to keep her close « I just know I want you in it. »
« Then it can't have Tama. » she stated, shaking her head with resolve.
« I need to care and provide for them. »
« Oh please ! » she rolled her eyes « Tsune and Tama have been doing just fine while you were dead ! Supposedly dead... They have managed on their own for six years and now, they need you that bad ?! Helping them financially is laudable and I admire your dedication and loyalty but they don't need you as much as you seem to think. You owe them nothing. »
« I owe Kondou-san. » he replied coldly « and I'll care for his family. That is final. »
« Don't marry Tama. » she begged.
That was her last ressort, begging like a weakling.
« Stay with me, Haruhi... »
« There is no future in which I stay with you and you marry Tama. » she said, clenching her fists « You want everything. Tama and the Shieikan, me... You can't have both. »
« I'll marry her, Haruhi. » he said with an unreadable expression.
Haruhi put her palms on Souji's chest and pushed him away, resolved. What a fool she had been to think that Souji could ever be her man, married or not. He was gonna be Tama's man. The taste of ashes in her mouth was hard to swallow.
« I'm not staying. » she said with force.
Without turning back, she went to prepare her bag and grabbed her wakizashi. She went back down and Souji hadn't move, he just had wiped the blood off his mouth. His eyes seemed unfazed but there was an emptiness behind them. That wasn't her problem anymore anyway. May Souji enjoy his marriage, since he wanted it that much.
« You're going back to Hajime ? » he asked.
« I don't know. » she said « Only thing I know is that I'm not staying here another night. »
« Okay... » he sighed « if you change your mind, you know where to find me. »
« I'm not changing my mind. » she hissed « I hope you fucking die. »
Souji didn't answer and he let her go. Part of her wanted him to claw to her and tell her how much he needed her but it was vain. He chose Tama. There was nothing left between them and nothing more to say. It was over.