Hari finally visited Marianna's office one evening after dinner, having nothing important to occupy his attention. He still couldn't convince Myrtle to talk to him, and Master Flamel had many things to occupy his time.
Marianna Kendricks welcomed him in warmly, rushing to conjure an extra tea cup for him and smiling as she absently twitched her wand to neaten up various stacks of books and parchments scattered about the room. It was very much the opposite of her husband's office, warm-toned and untidy even after her neatening, while his was as strict and severe as himself.
"Now, what was it you wanted?" she asked, once they were both seated with the steaming teapot between them.
"Master Kendricks wanted me to ask you about my wand," Hari said, sliding it across the table to her. "I haven't been able to cast any spells with it, and he says mostly I need to try harder, but I should ask you because you know more about wands than he or I."
She picked it up, running her finger down the pattern carved along its length, tapping it twice in the center, then tilted her head as she looked at Hari curiously.
"Never? You've not cast a spell once?"
Hari shook his head.
"Interesting." She held the wand up to her cheek, resting it against her ear for a long moment. "Phoenix," she said, but where her husband said the word like a curse, she whispered it gently with something like awe. "And a rare one at that. Yes, it wants more from you. It knows you have more to offer than what you've displayed, and it doesn't want anything short of your very best."
Hari accepted his wand back, tucking it into his pocket. "What more can it want? I've asked every teacher, they say I'm doing the motions correctly, the words correctly. I understand the classifications of magic, the way spells are categorized, even if it seems a bit arbitrary."
Unlike the Force, magic was split by type of effect, not the intention behind it. Where the difference between Light and Dark lay in magic seemed simply down to the political climate of the time whatever spell was discovered, rather than anything objective. Hari could point to a number of illegal spells whose effects were far less severe than perfectly legal ones, plenty of Dark curses which could be put to non-Dark uses, but were proscribed for their potential for harm rather than anything inherent in them.
The Force made so much more sense. It was simple - live for everyone to walk in the Light, seek only your own gain and fall to the Dark. Ultimately, selfishness was the truest heart of evil. Accepting that you were part of a greater whole, that your own good needed to be balanced with the good of everyone else, that was the deepest core of the Jedi order.
"What do you think magic is?" Marianna finally asked, as the silence stretched.
"Power to change reality in a systematic manner by the utilization of magical focii matched to a genetic ability present in a fraction of the population, and limited by unknown but discoverable boundaries related to the skill of the person and the strength of their focus."
Marianna blinked, then smiled and poured the tea. "Trying to impress a thesaurus, I see. But not incorrect. Merely incomplete."
"Incomplete how?"
"There are three components to magic. Only one is essential, and you listed the two that are not." She sipped at her tea.
"And that is?"
"Desire. Intention. Will. It isn't often mentioned, because it's so innate. What witch doesn't want her magic to work? Who would try a spell without the intention of its success? Far more important, to young eager wizards and witches, is the formulation of boundaries and restraints to guide and focus that innate desire. But in your case, you seem utterly indifferent to your power. That is why it refuses to work for you, why your powerful and perfectly-matched wand is waiting without giving you what you want. Because you do not truly desire it to."
"That's all? I'm not wanting it enough?"
"Exactly. You are a calm, studious, analytical student, but your passionless pursuit of information is not the same thing as true magical desire."
Hari frowned into his teacup. He'd spent decades upon decades controlling his emotions, disregarding his desires, and allowing the Force to guide him where it would rather than seeking his own way. Wanting power for himself with no deeper purpose felt so wrong.
And then there were times, times when he thought he briefly had connected with the other power that waited beyond his wand, and they always felt wrong somehow. Tumultuous, focused, aggressive, different.
Perhaps that was all. It felt unlike the peace of the Force because it wasn't the Force. It was different, but that did not make it Dark. Just because it shared some similarities with the Dark Side did not mean it was the same thing.
Hari thought about the levitation spell they'd recently gone over in exacting detail. He considered the teapot between them, and tried to desire it to lift into the air.
The Force leapt at his slightest hint, raising the teapot before he could even touch his wand. Hari sighed, set the teapot down and pushed the Force away. Not now. He drew his wand and concentrated, but the moment he opened himself the slightest bit, Force flooded back into him, leaping to do as requested.
"Very nice," Marianna said warmly. "Without even using the words, too."
"That wasn't magic," Hari said, putting the teapot back down. "That's just the Force, trying to be helpful where it's not wanted." He pushed it away again, focusing on his wand, trying to feel the other energy field that lurked beyond it. But the Force was too omnipresent, too big, too demanding. It wanted him far more than he wanted magic, and so his attempt came to nothing.
"The Force?" Marianna asked. "You came from a muggle home, so are you certain you haven't just devised your own range of spells without your wand?"
"No, it's different. I can feel the difference. The Force is bigger than magic, heavier, stronger, but empty. Magic is. . . different. Chaotic and unstable."
Marianna took another sip of her tea. "I really don't know what to tell you. You're capable of wordless levitation while your wand waits for you."
Hari stood and bowed. "Thank you for your help. I can't solve this right now, but you've given me much to think about."
"Will you be alright?"
"Yes. I'm fine. I just need to think about this at greater length."
"Don't spend so much time thinking that you forget to desire. If you don't truly want to succeed, you never will."
—====—
The holidays weren't quite over, but Hari wished they'd hurry up. He missed the distraction of studies, even ones at which he did nothing but fail.
At least he still had the library. He often found himself staying until the latest possible moment, throwing himself into one research project after another, though none held any true importance. Reading was his easiest escape, and he could easily convince himself that having more knowledge was never a bad thing.
But one night, as he carried his newest pile down toward the Hufflepuff common room, he was surprised to find Headmaster Dumbledore waiting for him.
"Hari. Would you be willing to accompany me to my study? I'll send these along to your room for you, of course."
"Alright." Hari offered the stack of books, which floated off at a flick from Headmaster Dumbledore's wand.
"This way, if you please."
They walked in silence for several moments, then climbed a spiral staircase which Hari didn't remember seeing before and emerged into a busy but well-organized study.
"I hope you don't mind my presumption. Nicholas told me about your. . . unique situation."
"I gave him permission. Anyone he trusts, I trust."
Headmaster Dumbledore smiled, but his eyes seemed sad. "An admirable sentiment. You could hardly choose a more trustworthy confidant."
"What did you want to know?"
"Where to begin? I could spend the day in questions, and never be satisfied. Your tale is a remarkable one. How much do you remember?"
"Pieces. Sometimes it feels as close as though I'd just left, other times it's only impressions."
"Are you familiar with a Pensieve?"
Hari shook his head.
"It is a device which allows one to copy and study memories externally. With your permission, I'd like to attempt recovery of some of your memories of this other world."
"You said copy; it won't harm my actual recollections?"
"Not at all."
"Then go ahead."
"Concentrate on the memory you wish to share, then, and hold it in your thoughts."
Hari blanked for a moment, unable to bring anything specific to mind. Then he thought about Sev, and remembered his Bothan namesake. The original Sev had been an absolute scamp in their youth, serious only for moments before he'd be off again. They'd grown up together, played pranks on Zenn together, faced the stern reprimands of the masters together.
Hari felt a slight mental tug, sensation so brief it vanished even as he registered its presence, but his thoughts scattered from their intense focus.
Headmaster Dumbledore stood beside him, a glowing silver thread hanging from the end of his wand. Hari watched him drop the twisting, floating thread of thought into a basin of reflective water.
"Come, see."
Hari leaned over the basin. Within the water, he saw the halls of the Jedi temple. Huge, as seen through a child's perception, but so clear and real he felt he could reach in and touch it.
Emotion surged in his chest, longing for what he'd lost.
Then Sev scampered past him, his training lightsaber bouncing behind him on its loose belt like a second tail, and Hari's longing exploded. He hadn't thought it was possible to miss his home more, hadn't realized childhood images could possibly hold this much power over him.
He sincerely hoped it was only a side effect of his new younger body and its inclination toward over-emotional outbursts; not that it helped anything now. His heart ached as he ran visually after Sev, laughing in a voice he recognized at once as his own.
The scene played out as though he ran once again through the long-familiar halls. Sound echoed, occasionally fading out, sometimes as sharp and clear as reality itself.
"Come on Hari! Spast, Master Evreyn will kill us if we're late again!"
"Run more, talk less," Hari's voice panted. He'd never been as athletic as his bothan friend, and keeping up took more effort than he'd ever admit.
"You know, if you didn't forget to set an alert on your datapad before losing yourself in books, this wouldn't happen so often."
"Thanks for the tip."
"Really, Hari, where would you be if I didn't drag you back down to reality?"
"Reading. Not running."
Sev laughed, and sprinted even faster as they rounded the corner and approached the final hallway before their training chamber. Hari noticed Master Evreyn striding calmly toward them from the opposite direction, and increased his own speed. As long as they reached the room before him, they technically wouldn't be late.
Sev slipped through the door and out of sight. Hari charged past Master Evreyn and slid into his assigned space on the ground.
"Nice," sneered Ara-Kon, making Hari blink in surprise. He had forgotten just how much she'd hated him - well, how much they'd mutually hated each other - at that age. "If you're done making a fool of yourself for today—"
"Padawan Zenn," Master Evreyn said calmly, reproof barely tinting his tone, and Ara-Kon snapped to face forward.
To the side, Sev and Ram grinned at each other.
Hari caught sight of Teira sitting straight in the front row, her lekku crooked as always, and the pain of her loss flooded him even more sharply. His vision blurred, obscuring the basin of liquid beneath him.
Then it was over. Hari stood staring down at the empty swirling pool where his friends had sat a moment before, until Headmaster Dumbledore gently touched his shoulder and guided him to a comfortable chair. Hari wiped away his tears, but wasn't able to conceal his expression any more than he could have suppressed his emotion. In that moment, every bit of his training couldn't possibly suffice.
"I apologize, Hari. I should have known the experience would be intense for you."
Hari took a deep shuddering breath, closing his eyes tight against the emotion that continued to swell up within him.
He couldn't speak.
"That was not a usual Pensieve memory," Headmaster Dumbledore continued. "Usually, one can move the view about and examine things from any angle, but we were given only a single viewpoint. I'd theorize that it has to do with the ambient magic mismatch between your land of sojourn and this world."
Hari nodded, finally regaining control of himself. He swallowed a few times, pushing down all the feelings of loss and pain and desire that had overwhelmed him, calming his jagged breathing and steadying his heart.
"It does raise as many questions as it answers. Foremost, how? How did you survive in another world, and how did you return to this one?"
Hari shook his head. "I have no answers, Headmaster. I have asked Masters Flamel and Binns to look into the matter for me, but so far neither have any information for me."
"I understand you have few friends in your house," Professor Dumbledore said, switching subjects without warning. "I assume this is due to the experience gap?"
"Correct. I find it difficult to pretend to care about whatever insignificant doings they have concocted to obsess over, and. . . well, I've never been good with younglings."
"We don't usually relocate students, but you are a special case. If you wish, I could arrange for you to move into a more private area of the castle. Goodness knows we have enough no-longer used classrooms which could be repurposed without difficulty."
"Thank you, but unless you feel my presence would be negative for the younglings, I do not require special accommodations. I feel it valuable to provide a voice of reason, in a form they won't simply dismiss. Already I've been entrusted with information and chances to help which would not have been offered to an adult. I may not be able to befriend them on their own level, but I can be their guardian and protector on a closer, more intimate level than yourself or the other teachers."
The headmaster considered a long moment, then slowly nodded. "I believe your reasons are good and honourable. I will not require you to leave the student dormitories, unless you are found to abuse the privilege. Knowing you, I'm sure that will never be necessary."
Author's Note:
First, thank you all so much for reading and commenting! I've been extremely busy with basically everything but writing fanfiction for what feels like far too long. I can't tell you how helpful it's been to have your comments pop up every few months to remind me this story isn't over and shouldn't be abandoned. :)
Second, alas, this is not a great revival and return to monthly chapters. I am still ridiculously busy - in fact I should be asleep right now, as I have to be at work in about five hours, but who cares about that? xD I can promise no specific dates or particular schedule, only that the story is not forgotten.