Chapter 30: John Phoenix Breaks Into Heaven

A/N: Okay, I finished chapter 30 and it's kind of long, so I had a great idea, I'll split it in two and have the second part be the EPILOGUE!

John Phoenix and his evil brother John Dragon were floating above Khurain City. John Dragon fired a laser beam out of his fingertip but John Phoenix dodged it and then typed a secret code into the keypad on his arm. A panel in John Phoenix's power suit opened and Trilo Quist flew out in a jetpack.

"What's that thing?" asked John Dragon. Then Trilo bit him on the dick! "AH DAMN IT" He ripped Trilo's head off and threw it away. John Phoenix took out the angel gun and fired it at his brother.

On the ground, John Phoenix's friends and the terrorists were watching this epic battle unfold.

"It looks like John Phoenix just fired some incredibly fast moving object at the terrorist leader," said Edgeworth. "Wait, let me check." He took out a telescope. "It's... yes, it's an angel bullet! It's heading right for the Dragon!"

But before the bullet could hit John Dragon, the bullet containing Mary Wright's soul flew in front of it and took the hit!

"No! Mother!" cried John Phoenix. Now her soul was trapped in a bullet trapped in a bullet forever. The bullet fell to the ground and was lost in the rubble.

"Foolish woman," said John Dragon. "She must have overheard that I'm her son and sacrificed herself for my sake. But what she doesn't know is that while I'm your twin and came out of her womb, she wasn't my real mother!"

Then John Dragon ripped the spire off a church steeple and threw it John Phoenix! He crash landed in front of the palace. His friends tried to help him, but John Dragon scared them off. He pulled John Phoenix out of the ruined shell of his armor and threw him to the ground.

"You should have stayed in America, John Phoenix," he said. "I tried to spare you, brother."

"But are you my brother?" asked John Phoenix. "Sorry, but I don't see the resemblance. I'd never do terrorism or have a mullet."

"Allow me to explain. Maybe it will give you some insight. My real mother is Morgan le Fey, who is actually Bethany Edgeworth, who faked her death all those years ago to get away from her wussy husband Greg." Morgan waved at Edgeworth.

"Ah, that makes sense," nodded Edgeworth. "That explains why I had magical powers in my youth and why my father called my mother a witch. She was literally a witch."

"Anyway," continued Dragon, "my mother had womb cancer, so she slept with Mary Wright and transplanted my fetus into your mother's healthy womb. But then your mother slept with my father and got pregnant again. Your mother returned to America and gave birth, first to me. That dead baby the doctors mistook for you was me, and I actually was dead.

"My mother used a sleeping spell on everyone in the room and she stole my corpse and returned to my native Khurain to bury me. But then she used the last of her magical strength to revive me, and then died herself. My father, in grief, left me on the doorstep of the royal palace. The king and queen adopted me and named me 'Percy Percival'. But my real name was always John Dragon.

"As I grew up I witnessed the injustice my adoptive parents inflicted on the peasants, so I started the KRA in secret. Eventually I met up with my father and we came up with an even better plan. But first we had to get Pearl Fey to channel my mother, because only a Fey can channel a Fey! That's how it works!"

He took out the fully-charged terrorism crystal and threw it onto the top of the palace. Morgan shot magical rays at it!

"And now my mother's magic will activate the crystal's secondary properties. The crystal, situated on the highest point in the city, will soon send out mind control rays that will make everyone in Khurain docile as puppies! Now there will be no more war or oppression, and everyone will live in peace and prosperity under my guidance!"

John Dragon laughed.

"See, John Phoenix? Unlike you I actually care about people. You're just a mercenary. I should have strangled you in the womb when I had the chance. It would have spared people a lot of suffering."

John Phoenix glared at John Dragon. "I'd rather destroy this world than let an egotistical madman like you have it, Dragon." He closed his eyes.

"What's he doing, father?" asked John Dragon.

"He's going to the oval office to start a nuclear war!" growled Buddy Johnson. "Stop him, son!"

"No!" roared John Dragon. "I won't let you!"

Meanwhile in the Oval Office

The president was sitting at his desk and doing his homework when suddenly the lips of a George Washington painting began to move!

"It is I, John Phoenix," said George Washington. "I'm here to tell you start World War III."

"Okay. But why?"

"Because the liberty of the free world is at stake. We must start a nuclear war and stop John Dragon before he destroys our free will and makes us his slaves!"

The president reached out for the nuke button on his desk. His finger stopped in midair and he looked up.

"Won't billions of people die? Are you sure this the right call?"

"Yes."

The president nodded. "Okay. I trust your judgement, John Phoenix."

He was about to press the button when suddenly a sword flew out of a presidential suit of armor and pinned his hand to the table!

"Dragon!" growled George Washington. "I should have known you'd try to interfere." John Phoenix possessed another sword and so did John Dragon and the two swords flew around the room and clanged against each other!

Meanwhile the president strained to press the button with his other hand, but it was too far away. Then John Phoenix's sword got the upperhand and knocked John Dragon's to the floor! John Phoenix quickly cut off the president's head and it landed on the desk next to the button.

The president's severed head used the last of its strength to press the button with its tongue! Outside sirens began blaring and holes opened up in the Presidential Lawn and nuclear missiles shot out!

In Khurain

By the time John Dragon opened his eyes, the bombs were already falling, hundreds of them!

"No! No!"

Everyone ran around dodging nukes, but the king and queen were in stocks so they go blown up. Another nuke landed on top of the palace and shattered the crystal, putting an end to John Dragon's insane ambitions!

"Look what you've done to my beautiful country!" cried John Dragon. He held his face and wept. John Phoenix did a flying kick to the back of John Dragon's head and sent him flying into the shadow of a falling nuke! It exploded on top of him and left behind nothing but a huge crater.

"Fuck yourself," said John Phoenix.

Back in Los Angeles

Kristoph Gavin, John Phoenix's uncle, and John Phoenix's cousin were in the defense lobby standing at the window watching the bombs fall.

"Oh no!" cried Phoenix Wright. "If there's a nuclear war, we'll die!"

"It's okay, daddy, we'll go to heaven," said Trucy.

Suddenly the pope appeared on the lobby TV!

"Hello, this is the pope," said the pope. "As you are no doubt aware, humanity is currently being wiped out by nuclear hellfire. I'd like to tell you that you'll all go to heaven, but that'd be a lie. Suicides can't enter the kingdom of heaven, and nuclear war is nothing more than mankind committing suicide on a mass scale. Mutually assured destruction? More like mutually assured damnation! This is the price man will pay for his hubris. That is all."

A bomb fell through the ceiling of the vatican and vaporized the pope! The image on the TV was replaced with static.

Everybody was very sad. There didn't seem to be anything they could do. But then a very handsome blond man who had entered the room during the pope's address spoke up.

"Hello there," said the man. "My name is Storm Sente. But my real name Sine Sententia. I am a defense attorney from the United Kingdom. But I'm actually a barrister. I am the only defense barrister in the United Kingdom. Why? Because all the others were killed in what has come to been known as the FemCon incident. But that is a story for another day." He pushed up his glasses. "As I do not wish to die or go to hell at this point in time, it seems there is only one course of action: we must charter a plane and evacuate to heaven."

"Huh?" said Phoenix stupidly. "Fly to heaven? But no one can do that." Storm merely chuckled in a logical way.

"Yes you can. At least it should be theoretically possible. As everyone knows, heaven is located in the clouds. Humans have been to space, which is above the clouds, so it stands to reason one could fly to heaven."

Phoenix stared, slack jawed as usual. Flying to heaven? Was it even possible? Kristoph laid a hand on his shoulder.

"It's our only chance, Wright," he said. "You don't want your adopted daughter to go to hell do you?"

That decided Phoenix. What was the harm in trying? He took out his cellphone and called Larry.

"After we escaped prison Larry went to get his pilot's license," explained Phoenix. "Only now instead of flying to another country, we'll fly to heaven!"

Outside Larry taxied a jumbo jet down the street, dodging the falling bombs and radiation the best he could. He pulled up in front of the courthouse steps and opened the doors.

"C'mon, hurry!" Phoenix and the others rushed inside. Many other people tried to board the plane as well, but Kristoph only let the good people like the Judge and Gumshoe and his family on.

Suddenly there was a slide whistle sound effect! Kristoph Gavin sniffed. "I'd know that sound anywhere... it's a bomb, directly overhead! Hurry, captain, get us out of here!" Larry ran off to the cockpit, and Kristoph closed the doors.

The jet rolled down the street, leaving the desperate crowd behind to get blown up, and then took off at a 85 degree angle!

"Everyone fashion their seat belts," said Captain Larry over the intercom. His co-pilot Spark Brushel flipped some switches.

Phoenix strapped in and breathed heavily. He looked out the window at the rapidly shrinking city and clutched the arm rests. Why had he picked the window seat? Trucy patted his hand.

"Do not worry, father," she said. "I'm sure we'll make it to heaven safely. Come, let's read our bibles on the way there." She took their bibles out of her hat.

Meanwhile

Edgeworth's quadplane was also flying to heaven, because John Phoenix had the same brilliant idea as Storm. The quadplane wasn't as big as the jet, so only John Phoenix's closest friends in Khurain were onboard.

"Great idea as usual, John Phoenix," said Edgeworth. "I'm sure God will be delighted with your cleverness." He reached out of the plane to pet a dove but a falling bomb grazed his hand and cut off his fingers! The plane began to fall!

"Oh no! I can't fly this plane with only one hand!" But then suddenly he remembered the tails he grew in his youth. He had been holding his tail in for 25 years, but now he let it rip through his pants and he used it to fly the plane.

"I choose now to live my life without shame."

This is the end of his character arc.

Both the jet and the quadplane were approaching the ozone layer now. A few copycat planes straggled after them, but they were in for a bad surprise. Ask yourself, what is the primary ingredient in rust? That's right, OXYGEN! And what's the ozone layer made out of? Ozone, which is three times more powerful than regular oxygen! The copycat planes immediately began to rust as they passed through the ozone layer. In mere seconds they fell apart and the people inside plummeted to earth.

Our heroes' planes passed through easily, however. John Phoenix and Kristoph Gavin just used psychic powers to create rust-proof bubbles around their planes.

"Look, Professor, it's heaven!" pointed Luke. Above and to the left was a magic hole in the clouds leading to heaven, and to the right, outer space. "Do you think they'll let us in?"

"Ha ha, settle down, Luke," Layton sipped tea, "I'm sure St. Peter will understand our situation." He lifted his hat and took out a dove. "Let's send this dove ahead as a symbol of our peaceful intentions." He threw the bird at heaven, but to everyone's shock the bird was electrocuted by the forcefield!

"What in the world was that?!" asked Edgeworth.

"It's heaven's emergency forcefield!" explained Merlin. "God must have put it up for some reason."

"How do we get past it?"

"We can't, we can't, turn back!"

But John Phoenix silenced him, and then he climbed onto the top wing of the plane and jumped off! Phoenix Wright opened the window of the jet and jumped out too, and they fused together to form Phoenix Phoenix, but John Phoenix knew this fusion wouldn't be enough, so John Phoenix and his uncle fused harder than they had ever fused before and transformed into a gianantic, literal phoenix made of fire, and they pierced the forcefield with their beak!

The forcefield was destroyed and everyone arrived safely in heaven. They parked their planes outside the gates, which were open, and walked down the main street of heaven.

"What the hell happened here?" asked Kyle (he was there by the way). "This place is a dump!"

Then Mia Fey walked out of alley wearing a trash can. She explained how Satan had taken over.

The giant phoenix flew around and ate all the devils and then everyone went to to heaven jail and freed God and Godot and all the other captured angels.

"NOOOOOoooo don't eat me!" cried Satan as Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix held him in a wing and dangled him the air like a worm.

"Eat him, daddy, he deserves it," said Trucy, and Triple Phoenix slurped down the prince of darkness and trapped him in its stomach.

"Good work, John Phoenix and Phoenix Wright, you've saved heaven," said God, but then John Dragon burst through the cloud floor! He picked up Satan's gun and held it to God's head! Everyone gasped!

TO BE CONTINUED IN THE SECOND PART OF THE FINAL CHAPTER!

Storm Sente is a character from "Acquittal: Induction" by Procella Games

Go watch the demo on youtube