Chapter 22: Things Have to Change
The sex cloud. It had its way of taking them over. It pulled them in. It made them do unspeakable things to each other. It made them think inappropriate thoughts. It controlled them. Once they were pulled in, there was no stopping the inevitable. There was no way to stop it. No vaccine. So, treatment. It was a runaway train, and no one could even try.
Meredith looked up from her compromising position. Her green eyes met with a pair of steely blue ones. The sex cloud. She was in it. She could still feel the way his tongue was gently rubbing against her clit. The way his hot breath tingled her delicate flesh. The feeling of his hands pulling her thighs apart. She was there, seconds away. She didn't want to stop. She didn't want to come out of the cloud. Then reality hit.
"Shit!" Meredith spat somewhat in shock as she looked up at Mark.
"Mark." Derek muttered as he quickly pulled his own pants up.
"Mer, pull up your pants." Mark muttered as he looked over at her. He felt like her brother. He felt like he had to protect her. Boss her around. She quickly ripped them up and tied the strings. "You guys have got to be kidding me!"
"I- We- He made me!" Meredith said as she pointed to Derek.
"I made you?" Derek said in shock.
"Let's be honest here, Mer... It didn't look like he was making you do anything." Mark said with raised brows. "If anything, he was at the losing end of the deal." He chuckled.
"Definitely not the losing end." Derek muttered as he looked over at her.
"Well, if you guys are going to do this you have to be more careful. For doctors, you are pretty damn stupid. Next time, at least lock the door." Mark said with a chuckle.
"I- We- Damn-it." She moaned as she stood up. "Damn you!" She spat as she walked towards the door. "I hate you... You and your stupid penis!"
"You love my penis." He said as he watched her walk out, flustered.
"What are you doing?" Mark said as he sat on the bed next to Derek.
"I don't know. I don't know..." He said as she rubbed his hands over his face.
"Not that I didn't figure this would happen..." Mark said with a shrug.
"She's- I can't control myself. I don't want to. I am cheating on my wife. I am cheating on her. Sex twice. And I don't give a shit. Every look. Every thought. It's Meredith. Not Lexie. Not anyone else. I see her, and I melt. I can't stop." Derek said as he shook his head. "A glance and I have to hide behind something,"
"Why don't you divorce the bobble head already?" Mark asked with confusion.
"Mer won't let me. She says I need to try..." Derek explained, barely understanding it himself. "She said that now that I know she's alive, I can be free of the guilt and move on."
"So, Meredith is your boss now?" Mark asked. "Strike that. I already know the answer to that one."
"She feels guilty. She shouldn't. But she does. She is friends with Lexie and she's terrified of losing that." Derek told him.
"So, she'd rather live a miserable life with Mr. French than be happy?" Mark asked.
"Basically." Derek said with a shrug. "I promised her I would try. But I can't. What does this have to be so fucking difficult?"
"So, she wants you to try, but she lets you go down on her in an on-call room..." Mark said with a chuckle. "Mer always was a little confused."
"I can't stop, Mark. I'm just going to end up hurting someone, but I can't stop." Derek said as he shook his head.
"The sex cloud." Mark muttered.
"Uh huh." Derek agreed.
"You guys always have had a problem with that." Mark said frankly.
"You know, she was right. One time was a mistake. But two..." Derek said as he shook his head. "At the bar last night... What the hell do I do?"
"You know what to do." Mark said with a nod.
"I don't. I really don't. I don't want to push her away. If I leave Lexie... She will say it was because of her. And it is. It would be. The guilt will eat her up. How would we move on?" Derek asked. "But being around her... It's impossible."
"I would just do it. Give in to the inevitable." Mark told him. "Take what you can get..."
"What?" Derek asked in shock as he looked over.
"I'm not saying it's okay... But you need to accept this. You can't stay away from her." Mark said with a shrug.
"I don't want to." Derek said quickly. "No matter what, I know this won't end well."
"It never does." Mark said as he stood up.
"You're no help." Derek said as he stood.
"I know." Mark agreed.
"So, would you like to go to Joe's?" Adrien asked as he wrapped his arm around Meredith's waist.
"I hope you're kidding." Meredith said as they walked through the hospital.
"I am." He said with a chuckle. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry you got the brunt of it. I'm sorry I didn't stop you."
"It's okay. You were not so coherent yourself." She said with a nod. "I'm just glad that someone stopped me. Who knows what I would have done to myself."
"Never again. I am never drinking like that again." Adrien said as he looked at her.
"What came over you? You never do that." Meredith said as she looked over at him.
"I was in an odd mood." He lied as he looked at the ground. "I just felt like I needed a drink."
"Oh." Meredith said, dropping it.
"So, I guess I should be thanking Derek then." Adrien said as he looked at her.
"I wouldn't worry about thanking him." Meredith said as she picked up her pace.
"I guess I could thank you instead." Adrien said as he kissed her neck.
"I didn't do anything worth thanking." She said as he pushed her against the car.
"I just need a reason. Any reason." He said as his mouth trailed her neck. Meredith pulled away when she looked off in the distance, seeing Derek walking to his car. Their eyes met. Jealousy. She could see the bright red reflection of jealousy in his blue eyes.
"You know what I think?" Adrien asked as he glanced over at Derek and back at her.
"What?" She asked softly.
"I think a certain neurosurgeon has a little crush on you." Adrien said with a smirk. Meredith began laughing heartily, trying to cover up her own guilt.
"That is ridiculous!" She laughed. "He's married. To my best friend. He just wants to be friendly. He's not- You're so funny." She said as she scrunched her nose.
"Laugh all you want." He said frankly. "He wants you. But I have to say..." He said as he leaned in and whispered. "I'm not worried..."
You should be. You should be really worried. Very worried. If the conditions were right, you wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell. You'd be vaporized. Oh god... What am I doing? I have to stop. I have got to stop this. There is no future for you. Not with him. That ship sailed. You missed the departure. Now you'll have to ride this boat.
"You shouldn't be worried..." She lied blatantly as she looked at him.
"So, I was thinking... Maybe a quiet dinner, back to my place for dessert?" He asked as he looked into her green eyes.
"I'm tired." She shut him down, quickly. She couldn't. Not with the marks. The telltale signs of sex. Not just sex. Hot sex. Rough sex.
"I have a few tricks up my sleeve. I'm sure I could wake you..." He said with a chuckle.
"Hmm..." She moaned. This is not good. Not good at all. This can't happen. When all else fails, fake illness. "Oh..." She moaned as she grabbed her stomach.
"Are you okay?" He asked with concern.
"Yeah...I just. My stomach. I ate that crap from the cafeteria today." She said as she rubbed her stomach.
"Well, luckily you have me to take care of you." He said as he hit the door lock button. They both looked down as they heard his pager blare.
"Shit." He said as he looked down. "I'm sorry."
"It's fine." She said with a smile.
"Don't expect me anytime soon." He said with a frown as he kissed her softly. "Rain-check?"
"Sure." She said as she grabbed his keys. "See you tomorrow." She said as he walked away as she climbed in his car. She sat there. So close. So very close. It was getting complicated. Feelings were getting stronger all the way around.
She took a deep breath and pulled out, driving through the parking lot. She glanced over at Derek, who was watching her. She could tell by his body language that he wanted her to stop. She couldn't. She sped out.
Meredith was relieved to come home to a quiet house. She looked in the refrigerator. There wasn't really anything to eat. Not to mention she had lost her appetite. Her stress level was high. Very high. The solution seemed so simple. Anyone with a half a brain could figure it out. A half a brain. Apparently, she didn't even have a half a brain. Brainless. She was quite possibly brainless.
The hot water wrapped around her body. Not even in the solace of her bathtub was she safe. Not even there could she relax. She couldn't get the thoughts out of her head. The thoughts of him. It hurt. It physically hurt to think about it. But she couldn't stop it. She closed her eyes.
She was laying back on the bed as he planted soft kisses on her abdomen. Her perfectly smooth, non-blemished abdomen. One that wasn't damaged. It was the way it once was. All of it. His tongue travelled over her soft flesh. He spread her legs and moaned before hitting his destination. She looked into his blue eyes as he ran his tongue across her clit.
"Damn-it!" She said loudly as she sank under the water. She had to stop doing that. The more she allowed it, the more she was going to do it. The water was peaceful. Quiet. Comfortable. She came up for air a moment before it was too late. The last moment before life is gone. She gasped as she looked around the dark bathroom.
Sliding on her oversized t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants she walked out to the sofa and laid there. The Seattle skyline was so perfect. So beautiful. The bright lights of the city confirming that there was life out there. There were still normal people out there. Normal people living their lives. People that hadn't completely messed up their lives. People that were not in pain. Happy people. The exact opposite of her.
Mark walked into the quiet apartment. He saw her motionless body lying in the soft moonlight. She was either sleeping or deep in thought. Either way she was in pain. He closed his eyes and shook his head. He would do anything to take her pain away. Anything.
"Hey..." Mark said as he walked over quietly. She hadn't even heard him come in.
"Hey." She said as she lifted her head up. He sat down on the end of the sofa. She laid her head back on his lap.
"Are you okay?" He asked as he looked down at her sad eyes.
"No." She said frankly as she closed her eyes. "I don't know what pain is greater. Thinking he left me all those years. Or seeing him right in front of me, and not being able to have him." She said as a tear ran down her cheek.
"Mer..." He said as he stroked her cheek. "It's not that hard. It's an easy decision."
"No, Mark, it's not. You know Derek. I know Derek. He is married. He cares about her. He pretends he doesn't, but he does. He wouldn't have married her if he didn't love her." Meredith said as she wiped her tears.
"Derek changed. You changed him. You didn't see him. I watched him crumble." Mark explained. "I watched the downfall."
"No, Mark. People change, but their basic makeup is the same. He was always Derek. Derek knew what he was doing. He had a purpose. He was lonely and he moved on. Now he is just afraid to admit it. Because I didn't. I didn't move on. His mind is cloudy right now. He's confused. I think they have a chance. Derek would have never married her..." Meredith said with a frown. "I would never make him happy. I'm too damaged. And- I can't."
"That is such bullshit. The worst part is, I think you actually believe it." Mark said with a chuckle. "You are hurting him. He wants to end it with her."
"Because he's confused." Meredith explained.
"Because he's in love." Mark retorted.
"I don't want to be the reason that their marriage failed." Meredith told him.
"Their marriage has already failed." Mark said quickly.
"So, what... He divorces her. Our friendship ends. I lose a friend..." Meredith asked.
"You have been friends for all of what, eight seconds? Big deal. We are your friends. Derek, me. Addison. Addison was your best friend. What about her? We were best friends. And now you want to be a stubborn ass? I need to go back. We need to go back. He needs to divorce her, then-" He said quickly.
"And then we will fail. Then he's alone. He will resent me. And she won't take him back. Everyone gets screwed." She said as she sat up. "I'm going to bed." She said as she stomped off to her room.
"What makes you think you would fail?" Mark asked as he looked up at her.
"We already did." She said as she shut her bedroom door.
Mark sat there dumbfounded. She was in a sour mood. At this point, he knew talking to her would be like talking to a wall. The sound would just bounce off of her and back at him. Mark did not understand her thinking. It made absolutely no sense to him. But a lot of things she did didn't make any sense to him.
Mark walked over to the refrigerator, not surprised that there was no food. He had been out of town, and she obviously hadn't shopped. Not that he had expected her to. He looked in the back, finding a container of chicken salad. It was old. It was rancid. He shook his head as he threw it in the trash. Lunch meat, old. Bread, moldy. He looked on the front of the refrigerator door. Chinese food. It wasn't pizza, and they delivered. It would work.
He sat on the sofa and stared at the TV. This shouldn't bother him. It shouldn't affect him. It didn't matter. He was a manwhore. A known manwhore. He slept around. He was wrapped up in himself. Conceited. Not a caring guy. He should be busy. He should be out. Not sitting on the sofa. Not waiting for take-out. Not worrying. He jumped up from the sofa when he heard the doorbell ring.
"Derek." He said, somewhat shocked.
"Hey, Mark. Is Mer here?" Derek asked quietly as he glanced in.
"She's sleeping." Mark said with a shrug.
"It's only nine." He said in shock as he looked at his watch.
"She's- She didn't feel good. Just tired." Mark said quickly. "Why? Is something wrong?"
"She just looked upset when she left the hospital." Derek said sadly.
"She is upset. For good reason." Mark told him.
"I don't know how to help her..." Derek replied with a frown.
"Do you want to come in?" Mark asked as he stepped back.
"Yeah, I guess. It's not like have anywhere better to go." Derek said as he walked in.
"Thanks, man. That feels great." Mark said with a chuckle.
"Sorry." Derek said with a shrug. They both plopped down on the sofa and stared at the TV
"So... What's going on?" Mark asked as he glanced over at Derek, who was obviously somewhere else.
"I don't know." Derek said in disgust. "I just don't know what I'm doing anymore."
"You're not the only one." Mark said with a chuckle. "This is a lot of stress on her..."
"I know, but I don't know how I can help." Derek told him.
"What do you want?" Mark asked him frankly. "You. What do you want?" Derek sighed and rubbed his face.
"I want Alexis to go away. I want a divorce. And I want Mer. I want us to be together." Derek told him.
"There is your answer." Mark said with a smirk.
"No, I-" Derek said quickly.
"You know what you want. Now do something about it." Mark told him. They both looked up when the doorbell rang. "That's my dinner." Mark said as he stood.
Derek looked over at him and stood up. He slowly walked down the hallway to Meredith's room and pushed the door open. She was laying on the bed, facing the window. She wasn't snoring. She was completely quiet. He walked around and knelt beside the bed.
"I know it's stupid, but I had to see you. I can't sleep at night. I can't sleep at night unless I know that you're okay. I have to know that you really are alive." He said as he kissed her head softly.
"I know things are bad right now. None of this is your fault. You haven't done anything wrong. I'm the one that screwed this up. And now I'm going to fix it. I love you too much to let this go on." He said softly. He looked at the tear that rolled down her cheek. Just as he suspected, she was awake. She didn't open her eyes. She couldn't.
"It's okay, Mer. It's okay." He said as he wiped her tear with his thumb. "I love you. Goodnight." He said as he kissed her on the head and walked out. Mark was standing in the kitchen dishing out his food.
"What's going on?" Mark asked as he glanced at the bedroom.
"You were right Mark. I have to do something about it." Derek said as he walked to the door. "See you later."
Derek walked quickly to his car. He was on a mission. He knew what he was doing. Things had to change. Things had to get easier. For him. It wasn't what she wanted, but he didn't care. It was for the greater good.