17: I will carry you

Eventually, you do talk about Lex, though Lena had tried to avoid it for as long as possible and didn't disclose much more than she's got it covered in the meantime and not to over-worry about it for the present.

You talk about Andrea and her sadness, her regret, her guilt and very recent deception and betrayal of her old friend.

You get around to talking about William and she'd sighed and encouraged you to continue trying to bring him around to keep him safe even promising to be better than civil so as to make him more comfortable as she claims she'd also once been a stray you'd brought home. You'd quickly disabused her of that ridiculous notion, Lena Luthor was never a stray you had brought home, she was the very light you had wanted your home to be filled with, and in recent months, home had become nothing but an empty shell of a word without her.

And you even talk about James, who, to your surprise, you find out had been the first to reach out to Lena after you'd told her the truth. He had apologized to her for keeping the secret from her even as it was never his secret to tell, and as she had hidden from all of you how betrayed she had truly felt. Lena tells you of how James himself had confessed to her the times he had doubted her and encouraged you to be critical of her as well, of how you'd fought him and everyone else over and over and defended her to them. She tells you of her guilt at never having been able to love him the way he should've been loved, of trying and failing to love him as more than one of her dearest friends, as more than family.

And so you talk about Mon-El. About how different he was from her and how easy it was to throw yourself into a love that didn't consume your every waking moment, how you were truly more concerned you'd sent him to his death out in the galaxy than you were at having lost him, how guilt-ridden you were at how easy it was to choose the world over the man you were supposed to love, how you had hoped and prayed he would be the one to keep you from the all-consuming love you felt for her, a love you thought you would never be allowed to live out.

You talk about it. All of it. Sometimes as the sun is rising in the sky, mostly her waking you, nuzzling her nose into your neck before dragging you towards the windows; sometimes over pink and orange sunsets on lazy Sunday afternoons; sometimes while lounging in the tub together after particularly difficult and busy days with her favorite tarty red and your favorite sweet white; sometimes at one in the morning while waiting for the for the oven to ding and announce that your chocolate chip and her oatmeal raisin cookies are done; sometimes it's during your walks home from dinner at the numerous restaurants you and she love; sometimes it's over nothing at all, just your arms around her, hers around you.

And you're happy. The happiest you've ever been. But it's also the most afraid you've ever been. Because being with Lena is even better than you'd imagined, even better than you'd dared dream.

Lena is... Spectacular. She is intelligent and kind, beautiful and soft, passionate and warm and bright. She's everything you've always known she was, everything and more, more, more. Each night she presses into you your heart melts, each time she smiles, your heart races, each hug, each kiss, each touch, makes your body sing, your heart dance, your soul soar. And you are happy. You are happy and content, satisfied and fulfilled and utterly utterly in love.

There are days and nights, hours throughout, moments, minutes, seconds and heartbeats where you are rocked by fear so great that your heart beats wildly, spins and plummets. You're lucky when it happens at breakfast and she is there across the table smiling at you, across the kitchen scrounging for milk and fruit, in the bathroom blinking sleep away as she brushes her teeth. You're lucky when it happens after sundown and she's curled up against you on the couch, lost in quantum fields, string, superstring and supersymmtery, astro and plasma physics, splayed out on the bed jotting down ideas and sketching prototypes, or throwing together a salad for dinner, hair down, barefoot and comfortable and home. You're lucky when it hits you and she is around and the sight and feel of her can reassure you that she is there, alive and well and whole, and finally yours.

But sometimes it isn't the case. Sometimes it hits you when you're at the tower with J'onn and Alex and you stop speaking in the middle of a conversation because the loss, the grief and fear, it feels as though they literally come from nowhere and you have to fight to swim out of that darkness. Sometimes it happens at staff meanings with William, Nia and Andrea, your heart suddenly pounding irrationally fast, and falling falling falling. Sometimes it happens when you are Supergirl, while putting out fires and averting catastrophes.

Sometimes you are afraid, but always, always, you are happy.

Tonight is one of those rare nights Lena isn't home for dinner. She had a short early dinner with Maggie in lieu of their usual and is picking Andrea up afterwards for game night. It's the first game night wherein other people outside your core group are once again invited.

The last three times consisted of just you, Lena, of course, your sister and Kelly, J'onn, Nia, and though it had been a little awkward, Brainy. But Lena had insisted, and it's difficult for you to deny her anything not only because of how you love her but because she's often right about so many things. Of course, she's told you what little she knows of what Brainy is up to and you'd sworn to tell no one, not even Alex, but still you'd been worried because Nia is young and has already been through so much and because Brainy has made a decision and fully believes what he's doing is essential for the survival of more than just humanity. You know what it's like to have had to hide from the one person who holds your heart, you know what it's like to deny the fiercest and most fervent of all emotions, you know how it hurts and hurts and hurts. But Lena had insisted and you trust her.

In the first hour of that first game night, your heart had broken at the sight of Brainy all stiff and uncomfortable and at what you think he must've been feeling. You'd gravitated to him as Lena had literally taken Nia in her arms, the younger girl trembling every so often beside her, as she stringently kept her gaze averted and away from you and Brainy. It hadn't been the best or most relaxing of nights, quite far from it if you're completely honest, but even Kelly had looked on in gentle though silent approval, all of you helping navigate and facilitate the healing and mending of your little family, game after game.

The second one two weeks later was explosive. A push and pull initiated by Nia, and as always, Brainy is drawn and trapped, unable to both engage and disengage, floundering helplessly as Nia went from vicious to apologetic to cruel and sad in the hours that followed. You'd been worried throughout, but Lena's gaze reassured and settled you, as did Kelly's who smoothed everything over each and every time.

The third one two weeks ago was much better with Nia able to meet Brainy's gaze across the room, though Brainy's eyes were often wide and wild and caught, often stammering at Nia's gentle smiles, comments and queries. More than once you'd caught him throwing her silent forlorn looks, trying and failing over and over to keep his eyes from falling on her. But he loves her, deeply, irrevocably perhaps, and so he'd failed, drawn drawn drawn, over and over again to her smile, her laugh, her voice.

And tonight, it's more than just you, more than just Lena, more than just Nia and Brainy, J'onn and Alex and Kelly. Lena's asked to hold it at her penthouse rooftop, one she's barely been on in the past three months, and she's asked to bring Andrea and William, who she had invited herself during her last visit to CatCo, all in her on-going attempt to help you keep him safe in his efforts to uncover the truth about Lex. It's also the anniversary of Andrea's father's death and Lena being the Lena, complete and utter mush on the inside, hadn't wanted her to wallow and be alone.

And it's going pretty well. J'onn is chatting amiably with Lena, Kelly, and Andrea over by a mini greenhouse housing a relatively incredible collection of succulents for a rootop garden in little old National City, many of which Lena has told you have actually been gifted to her by J'onn in the past few months; your sister is off to the side trying to show William, of all people, some self-defense techniques; and Brainy and Nia only somewhat awkwardly trying to get through a game of Dominion on large flat patio cushions on the floor. It's somewhat more festive than your usual game nights, Lena had ordered a handful of dishes from the new Spanish restaurant you and she had recently discovered and it's really more a tiny dinner party than actual game night. You think she's easing Andrea in, bringing her first stray home.

She looks towards you, perhaps feeling your eyes return to her, because of course you're looking at her, when are you ever not? She's the brightest, most beautiful being in your universe and you don't ever want to look away. She's smiling softly at you, biting her lip, and she's flustered and blushes when Kelly asks her a question thrice that she doesn't hear because she's lost in your eyes. You can't help the content sigh that falls from your lips when she excuses herself from their conversation and makes her way to you.

You reach for her the moment she is close enough, pulling her into your arms. Her arms wrap around your neck and you let your feet lift off the roof just a few inches.

"Kara!" She whispers in admonishment, likely unsurprised as you're often doing it when she's in the your arms, but her exasperation at your antics while you're out in public shines through. She's such a worrier, so much more concerned about keeping your secret secret than you are. "Stop it. You don't know if they're looking."

"Maybe they'll think they're drunk."

"I think you're drunk." She mumbles against you.

You land, slowly, gently, so as not to jostle her. She wraps her arms tighter around you, pulling you even closer to her as her feet meet the roof once again.

"Drunk on you." You tell her cheekily, wagging your eyebrows.

She laughs. Loudly, fully, happily, lightly. And your family turns and looks on, soft, fond, relieved, happy, content smiles on their faces. You pull away from her, twirling her and she squeals when you dip her.

"Kara!" She's breathless with laughter and your heart thrums with happiness and light.

And you tell her. Just as you'd promised, just as you'd vowed. You tell her how her smile, her laughter, fills you with warmth and happiness. You tell her you love her.

And she tells you. She tells you she loves you. She tells you that you fill her with warmth and happiness, that each smile, each laugh, each flutter and beat of her heart is yours.

She tells you she's yours.

Yours, yours, yours.

And by God and Rao, you'll take her, and keep her, all of her, everything you can have, everything she's willing to give, you'll take and keep, always, always, always.

Always and forever.

Yours. Yours, all yours.

Steelwing, chapter 21 or 22, I promise. I'm just trying to figure out the best flow. I tried to make it as light and still in line with the story as possible. I wrote only a little over 2000, slightly longer than my usual chapter lengths cos I know I write short chapters, but my soul needed a little more after having read the fic I was talking about last chapter note and now it's twice as long at a little over 4k. I'm so nervous about it and really hope you all think it turned out okay. And now I just gotta write chapter 20 because yes, I've now officially started to write out of order again.

Jen, Thanks!

Cheshire, lovely as always to hear from you. It's also a bit funny because about 80% of the things you said are like things I take into consideration on a near-daily basis. Like can I have them go on a quick trip? Is it the right time? What do I need to establish before I do something like that and make it safe because I've certainly played up that Lex is there watching and plotting. And also like, do I bring Eliza in now? In what capacity at this instance? And Non Nocere, yes, I'd like to dabble in that as well in future chapters just not yet. So yes, really really funny cos those you mentioned are things I've been mulling over for a while now. And it's fun to hear that someone else is thinking along the same lines. Sorry do you mean Lauren Haley by Lauren? I must admit that's the one thing that hasn't crossed my mind at all but it's certainly worth thinking about.

Bia, you lovely being you! Thank you for the boost of confidence! I will be completely honest, I havent decided what to do about Lex yet. I just know it needs to be big and horrible because I've been informed he's an actual Big Bad and I really wanna do him justice or at least approximate it because let's face it, I've got no background in DC lore and if I wasn't half in love with Supercorp I wouldn't even be here at all.

Thank you for the title idea! That brings us to a total of 3, your Heart and Soul, Steelwing's Emotional Threshing Floor, and I'm a little partial to Little do you know, the song partially responsible but only minutely as the song lyrics aren't exactly what I wanted to accomplish in this story. But anyways, throwing it out there so you guys can let me know if you hate it.