Chapter 30: What's More Worth It?

Derek's Point-of-View

I'd just lost a patient. I knew that was what part of being a surgeon was about, but no one liked it. Not even the well-seasoned doctors like myself. It was a long shot going in, 22-year-old kid not wearing a helmet on a motorcycle, got in a fight with a brick wall and the wall won. It wasn't so much that, as my head just wasn't clear.

I didn't know what to do, I was going to be married in a few days, and I just couldn't shake this feeling of cold feet and regret. I wanted to talk to Meredith, but she wasn't open. She was hurting, and I wanted to stop her hurting, but she wouldn't tell me how. I just wanted to know…. I felt someone sit next to me on the bench outside the hospital where I sat pondering things and looked over. She smiled at me a second and then sighed.

"Derek, what are you doing?"

"Sitting." I mumbled "Sitting and thinking."

"And what have you thought so far?"

"Nothing." I sighed "I've thought of nothing."

"Care to hear what I've thought up?"

"You're going to tell me anyway."

"True." She shrugged, "I think you're scared."

"Of what?" I scoffed "of being alone? I already know that."

"I think you're scared of taking a risk."

"What?" that got my attention "What do you mean?"

"You love Meredith." She said, I opened my mouth, but she put her hand up "I can see you do. Don't try to lie. But you're scared to act on it."

I closed my mouth and let my head drop. I closed my eyes and thought for a long second about every important moment of my life so far, I finally rose my head and took in a deep breath as I stared straight ahead.

"Addison ruined me."

"What?" she frowned "You hated Addison."

"I loved her with all I had." I said. "We drifted apart yes, but what she did ruined me. I promised myself to never love anyone like that again. I don't mean to not love someone like her, I mean to love someone like I loved her." I turned to look at my sister "I love Meredith more than I ever loved Addison, more than I've ever loved anyone. Choosing her means putting myself up for ruin. I won't survive it. So, Brooke, I'm settling, and she's not exactly right for me, but she's safe."

Amelia let out a sigh and shook her head "You'll never be happy with safe."

"I know." I said, "But I'll survive."

"What if she never did leave you." She asked, "What if you loved her until the day you died."

"I'm afraid of that too." I whispered.

"I love you; I'll always love you no matter what." She said, placing her hand over mine and squeezing it "But you've got to figure out what's more worth it."

"I know."

"Marriage will never be perfect as long as we're all human." She said, "We're not ever going to be happy every day of our lives. But as long as we're laying next to the person we want most in the world at the end of those days…life is worth living."

"Thank you." I breathed.

"By the way." She smirked. "I called Ma." I felt somewhat uneasy about the way she said that "I told her about Meredith."

I groaned.

"She's flying out this evening."