All in his Head

Aware

Matt woke up in familiar surroundings. He moved, but was stopped. There were padded restraints on his wrists and ankles. He let out a sigh. He had no idea how much time had passed. He stared up at the ceiling until his vision glazed over, becoming aware that he wasn't even sure if it was still the same day anymore.

The door opened and he groaned inwardly.

"Hey, Matt," the man announced. It was the nurse who worked at the weekend, meaning Matt had lost at least one day. "How you doing?"

He didn't acknowledge the man.

"If you speak to me, I might be able to remove the restraints. Just wanna ask you some questions. Feeling calmer now?"

"I'm calm," he said.

"Do you want to hurt yourself?"

Matt frowned. "Wha… what kinda question's that? You know I could just be lying, right?"

"You could lie, but I don't think you will, I think you want to get better."

"And… and I think you say that to every… to everyone," Matt retorted.

"I wouldn't be a good nurse if I wanted people to get worse, would I?"

Matt glanced at him then turned his attention back to the ceiling. "I hurt myself on purpose, I wasn't… I wasn't delusional, I wasn't having a hallucination. You should keep me tied up."

"Why?"

"I'm dangerous, I could hurt you," Matt said.

"Do you want to hurt me?"

Matt shook his head. "No, but you need to keep me tied up."

"Would it make a difference if I told you that Kelly is here?"

Matt looked at him. "He's here? Does he know?"

The nurse nodded. "He does."

"Does… does… does he hate me?"

"No," the man responded. "Would you like to see him? And would you like me to remove the restraints?"

Matt nodded.

When Kelly stepped into Matts room he was sitting on the side of the bed, Kelly strode over to him and enveloped him in his arms, hugging him tightly. Matt didn't return the hug, he stared into the distance, but he didn't try to pull away. Kelly moved back after a short while, still holding Matts shoulders.

"I love you," he stated.

Matt could see the love in his eyes. It was real, but he didn't understand why.

"I love you," Kelly repeated.

Matt crumpled into his body and Kelly took his weight as he sobbed. He exhausted himself, falling asleep in Kelly's arms.

Once Kelly settled Matt into bed, he left the room quietly, the doctor wanted to speak to him. Kelly's heart was pounding as he followed the man into the office, he never felt this nervous heading into a burning building. He took a seat when the doctor did and tried to appear less anxious than he felt and he spoke before the doctor could.

"I know you said he did this on purpose, but he can't have done," Kelly said, firmly believing Matt was had been having an episode the previous day.

"He told us he did it on purpose, Kelly," the doctor responded.

"Well, he was lying, he's not in his right frame of mind," Kelly continued.

"No, he isn't, but he still capable of making plans and trying to carry them out," Doctor Cohen told him.

"What does it mean now? Is he getting worse? Is he ever going to feel better?"

"Kelly, has he ever expressed any dark thoughts to you?"

"Dark thoughts?"

"That he's had enough, doesn't want to carry on… Anything he's said in the past," the doctor explained.

It took Kelly some time to respond, thinking carefully about what he was going to say next. "I… erm… I… I found him, couple years ago… he'd swallowed a load of pills, if I'd not got there in time… I promised him I'd never tell anyone. Our best friend had died a week before and I'd… I'd lashed out at him for it… I didn't think anyone needed to know, he was grieving and I was being ass to him…"

"Suicide is suicide, Kelly," the man responded sombrely. "That was his second attempt, and we don't know how often he's come close to another attempt."

"He's not suicidal…" Kelly fell silent as his spoke. "He can't be… he was happy, he told me he was happy and I believed him."

"Matt hates to be seen as a burden to anyone," the doctor said.

"He was getting good at talking to me, I think I always figured he was depressed but, he really was doing all right and then he had a seizure and it's all fallen apart. He trusted me not to tell anyone… he doesn't trust easily…"

"I know, but if we had known, we would have been able to prevent it from happening again," Doctor Cohen told him.

Kelly's heart sank, he'd done the wrong thing again.

"You had his best interests at heart, I realise that, but Matt is not in a good place right now," the man continued.

"Even when he's not delusional…" Kelly added. "Is something causing this? What was wrong with his mom? Is this the same?"

"Possibly," the doctor said. "His mom has schizophrenia."

"That can be genetic? And it can happen now? I mean, he's 33…"

"Genetics can play a part in it, and late onset isn't uncommon," he responded.

"Is that why his mom killed his dad?" Kelly asked.

"She was having an acute episode at the time according to Matts records."

"And Matts having an acute episode now?"

"It's likely," the doctor said.

"Likely?"

"Everything's pointing to a schizophrenic diagnosis right now. He's also severely depressed, and has been depressed for a long time," the doctor responded.

"Schizophrenic... does that change anything?" Kelly asked.

"No, we're going to continue treating him the same way for now."

Kelly nodded. "Ok… is it… is it good that we know what's probably causing this?"

"It is," Doctor Cohen said.

"Ok," he responded, nodding again. "Is there anything I can do? I feel like I'm not helping him at all…"

"If you'd like you can join him for one of his therapy sessions if he doesn't object?"

"Yeah, all right, I can do that," he said as he stood up. He wanted some privacy now, he needed to take in everything the doctor had been saying. "Thank you, I'll be back tomorrow."

"Bye, Kelly."

Kelly entered Matts room the next day. He was sitting on the chair and looking through the window, he was gently rocking back and forth, but he turned when the door closed behind Kelly. He'd noticed the NG tube the previous day but it had been obscured by the pillow Matt was lying on, he could see it clearly now though, but he was just pleased he'd not tried to pull it out again, it seemed as though Matt had been doing well after hurting himself, Kelly could now see a bruise on the side of his forehead, and he hoped he'd continue without any incidents for a while. Perhaps that was because of the medication he was now having. They'd all agreed that for the time being, for Matts own safety, he'd be given a small dose of benzodiazepines, even Matt had agreed to them. His consent wasn't required, but they always gave him the opportunity to give permission and explain what was happening.

"Hi," he greeted Kelly with a smile.

Kelly's heart leapt. "Hey, you look better today," he responded, returning the smile.

Matt looked at him for a moment before responding. "I showered, and shaved… under supervision. I don't want to kill myself with a razor though," he told Kelly.

"Rules I guess," Kelly replied slowly. "Matt…"

"I'm not suicidal," he retorted.

"You tried to kill yourself the other day," Kelly said.

"I feel good though, Kelly," he enthused, smiling.

"I'm glad. And I'm sorry about last week, that I didn't get you out of here… I… erm… I'm sorry. It must have been really scary for you and I haven't apologised for it yet, I am sorry," Kelly said, not wanting Matt to hold a grudge against him for it, he still felt bad for leaving that day. He hoped it wasn't one of the contributing factors that led to Matt wanting to hurt himself.

"The…" He frowned. "Last week?"

"Yeah… you, you had an episode," Kelly responded.

"Oh, sorry… I don't know…"

"But you remember you tried to hurt yourself? We didn't talk at all yesterday and I…"

"I'm really good now, Kelly, I do feel good, I'm getting better, I'll be back home soon, and back at work," Matt told him, smiling almost wildly.

"Matt, you hurt yourself, they said it wasn't an episode… we don't need to talk about it, I guess, if you don't want to. Fancy a trip outside to the communal garden? The nurse said we could go if you wanted to."

"It's more like a patch of grass," Matt said.

"Well, you wanna show me this patch of grass?" he asked.

Matt's expression changed. "Wait… I don't know what's going on? What episode?"

"It's fine, Matt, really," he said.

"What's wrong with me?" Matt asked, smile now gone.

"It's ok, Matt, you're sick, none of this is your fault," he responded.

"I'm crazy?"

"I don't think that's the politically correct term, but yeah, you're crazy but I love you," Kelly said light-heartedly.

Matt smiled widely again. "You love me?"

"I love you," he told him sincerely.

Matts cheeks flushed. "No one loves me… no one likes me… you love crazy me?"

"I love crazy you," Kelly said.

"Cool…"

"Matt, actually I need to tell you something," he began.

"You don't love me?"

"No, I love you more than anything in the world… which is why I told them..."

"Told them? Told them what?" Matt asked him.

"About how after Andy… you struggled a lot," he said.

"You did too," Matt responded.

"Yeah, I did… but difference is, I didn't OD," he retorted. He cleared his throat and took a breath. "Garden? We've got less than an hour before you need to be back for meds."

Matt looked to the window; the sun was shining brightly. "No hat."

Kelly smiled, pulling a Squad 3 cap from his pocket, shaking it as it had been stuffed it inside. He placed it on Matts head, his blond hair stuck out, but he smiled.

"Not on Squad," Matt said simply.

"Well, you are today. How does it feel to be one of the cool kids?"

Matt pouted. "Truck's cool…"

"Have you seen your crew?"

"Have you seen yours?" Matt retorted.

"Ok, then, lieutenants are the cool kids," he said with a smile.

"Ok, cool…"

Kelly smiled, although Matt wasn't himself, he'd rather this behaviour than the alternative. He put his arm around him and they headed out of the room, Matt stumbled a little but held on to Kelly.

TBC