A/N: Thank you for waiting! I appreciate all your reviews and apologize if I missed replying to any. I'll try to update more consistently from now on. Also, please keep in mind the trigger warnings listed in the first chapter.

"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

- William Shakespeare

…

…

…what…happened?

Everything is dark. Nothing exists except for a dull ache pulsing through my head. But as my consciousness rises to the surface, the pain becomes sharper and sharper until it feels like my brain is about to split in half. It hurts. My mind is foggy. I don't know what's going on. I can't think straight. There's just pain. Only pain.

"Ugh…"

Moaning?

Images flash through my mind. Genji Monogatari. Kabukicho. The yakuza. Mom.

The truck.

My eyes fly open. A mistake. Light immediately sears my eyes, and a throbbing pain shoots through my skull. It hurts. It hurts hurts hurts hurts…I…can't…

…no. I have to focus. Fight the pain.

…

I take a deep breath. I'm lying with my head against the car window, and besides the pounding in my skull, I don't think I'm injured. I try to move—

Shit. The world starts spinning until I don't know which way is up or down. Nausea takes hold of me, my skull bursts into pieces, and—

"Ugh…"

That moan again. Mom?

Still leaning against the window, I gently turn my head until I can see the driver's seat. The sight of Mom's body slumped over the steering wheel makes me go cold, but I don't have the luxury of emotions right now—I need to check how badly injured she is. Her long black hair partially covers her face, but she's breathing, and she doesn't seem to be bleeding anywhere. I can't tell how bad her internal injuries are, but based on how she looks, there's still hope.

"Mom!" I call to her. Please wake up.

After a second she grimaces, but then opens her eyes. As soon as she notices me watching her, she breaks into a smile, and I sigh with relief; she's okay. She slowly turns her head to face me and—

…

No. Not like this.

I thought Mom was fine. She looked fine. She was supposed to be fine! But the other half of her face…it's gone. All the flesh has been ripped off, revealing a mangled mess of muscle, bone, and eyeball. Loose strands of hair are stuck to her broken skull, and whatever is left of her flesh is melting down her neck, oozing onto her bloody seatbelt.

Seatbelt?

I glance downward. Blood. It's not mine. That's right. I killed someone.

"This is all your fault," Mom says. Her eyes—eye?—widen, and she cackles. "It's all your fault!"

I know that already, but it hurts even more when she says it. It's all my fault.

"And you wonder why your father hates you!" she shrieks. "You ruined his family! You ruined his wife! DAMAGED HER!"

It's all my fault.

"Did you ever think of your brother? How he's been forced to take care of you when you're the one who destroyed everything? You don't think he's revolted every time he looks at you?"

It's all my fault.

"What makes you think I would ever want to wake up? After what you let them do to me? You let them gang rape me, Sasuke. And you think I could possibly still love you after all of this? I can't even bear the thought of looking at your repulsive face."

It's all my fault it's all my fault it's all my fault—

Suddenly, Mom's neck elongates, and her head keeps spinning…and spinning…and spinning…until her hair falls down to her hips, her face turns deathly white, and purple lines appear around her eyes. No. Not him.

"What I did to you was but a fraction of your mother's pain, Sasuke-kun. It's what you deserved."

it's all my fault all my fault all my fault

The snake's mouth stretches open and lunges at me it's alL MY FAULT ALL MY FAULT ALL MY FAULTALLYMYFAULTALLMYFAULTALLM

"SASUKE!"

I throw myself forward. It's all my fault. My knuckles are white from clutching at the bedspread. It's all my fault. There's a hand on my arm. The snake.

Terror surges through me. I have to get away. Without hesitation I launch my fist at him, and the moment I make contact, I scramble to get away. It's all my fault. It's all my fault all my fault all my fault all my fault

…

It's only once I've thrown the bedspread off myself that I realize what's happening. It was only a dream. I'm in my bed in Tokyo. Everything's normal. That man isn't here, and neither is Mom. But she was right. I am the root of all this evil.

The world is fading to black. That's right. I can't breathe. That ragged sound is me. I need air. No, my lungs need air. I do not.

But a hand stretches out in front of me, my inhaler in its palm. I have no choice. I go to grab the inhaler, but my hand is shaking so hard I nearly knock it onto the bed. Still, I manage to take it, shove it in my mouth, and press down. The powder rushes into my lungs, and I shut my eyes. Breathe. Just breathe. It's what Mom told me to do.

...

Shit.

I open my eyes and turn to the side of the bed. Naruto. His right cheek is red and already starting to bruise.

"Sorry," I mutter and look away. Why does he always have to be here when I'm at my worst? I don't know how he can stand me. I can't even stand myself. I only bring ruin to everyone I've ever cared about.

"No worries. It doesn't even hurt!" He tries to laugh, but it sounds forced. "Sorry, I came in because I heard you yelling and got worried."

"Nightmares are normal for me." My breathing is starting to return to normal. "Stay out of it."

I hear a sharp intake of breath as if he is going to say something, but then there's silence. If only I could hide underneath the covers and never come out. My pajamas are soaked in my own sweat, and the bed is probably just as drenched. I'm repulsive.

"I'm really sorry," he says quietly. "I don't know what you remembered yesterday, but just from the way you've been since then…I should never have pushed you to come here. It's all my fault."

It's all my fault.

Rage bursts inside me as I whip around to face him. "What the hell would you know? None of this would have happened if it weren't for me! Whether I remember what I did or not changes nothing!"

"I don't know anything because you won't tell me anything!" Naruto shouts back. "I told you from the start that if you remembered anything I'd be here to support you, but you're still shutting me out! Okay, you were a total zombie yesterday, but what about now? I can't help you unless you let me!"

"Fine, you want to know?" I snarl. "I was a stupid kid who skipped cram school and got lost, and then I was kid…kid…"

My voice crumbles, and the words die inside me. You got yourself kidnapped. You let Mom get gang raped. You murdered someone. And then the car crashed. It's all your fault.

The book. The payphone. The men. Mom.

"Boys, you can have her."

"NO!"

Fabric shredding crying screaming the knife the blood the seatbelt it's all my fault all my fault all my fault all my faultALLMYFAULT

"Sasuke?"

I lean over the side of the bed and heave my stomach out. Vomit spews out of my mouth, and all I can do is shut my eyes and ride out the convulsions wracking my abdomen. I don't know if Naruto got out of the way in time. Even when there's nothing left inside me to throw up, my body keeps retching and retching until I finally collapse in a sweaty mess. There's acid dribbling down my chin. Disgusting.

I open my eyes. Naruto's gone. As expected. Wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, I wish I didn't have to be around myself either.

"Sorry, I'm coming back!" A voice calls from outside my room. Naruto comes rushing in with a glass of water and paper towels, and he shoves the glass toward me. "I didn't really know what else to do, and I figured you'd freak out again if I touched you, so…"

I try to take the glass, but my hands are trembling so much that I know I'll spill it if I take it. Naruto's smile falters, and he sets the glass down on the desk instead. He comes around to my side of the bed and crouches—

"No." I snatch the paper towels out of his hand. "I'll clean it myself."

He frowns. "I'm the one who tried to get you to tell me something you weren't ready to talk about, so I should be the one to clean it. I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was that bad."

I grit my teeth. "Just get out."

"Fine, fine, I got it." Naruto relents as he stands back up. "But I'm coming back in a bit to check up on you."

"Shouldn't you be out sightseeing?"

Naruto stifles a laugh. "You really think I can go out and leave you alone like this?"

…Mom was right. I am a burden. Not only to Nii-san, but Naruto too. It's all my fault.

"I can take care of myself," I snap.

"I haven't even had breakfast yet, so stop trying to force me out of here," he says. "I wanted to do some sketching too, so it's no big deal if I stay in today."

"What about your homework?"

Naruto's face turns pink. "I've still got lots of time for that! Okay, I'll let you be." And he shuts the door behind him.

Finally. I force myself up from the bed, then prepare for the usual dizzy spell. As expected, the room starts spinning, and I shut my eyes to ride it out. After a few seconds, I check the room again. It's still. Satisfied, I grab disinfectant wipes from the bathroom and start cleaning the floor. I've humiliated myself yet again. The constant nightmares, vomiting, anxiety, even that catatonic state...I'm always so pathetic in front of Naruto. Then again, I've always been weak. I couldn't even protect Mom. I have to get stronger. But I've been saying that for months now, and I've made no progress. I'm not sure what else I can do. I've tried everything. Everything, and I'm still like this. A mere shadow of a person.

My mind is overflowing with so many thoughts that I'm drowning. Nothing makes sense anymore. If only a thick fog would envelop me so I could survive this torment. No, thinking like that is why I'm so weak. I have to learn to cope with the pain. But despair is squeezing my heart, and I'm not sure how to go on. Maybe there's no need to. Life is meaningless anyway. We live only to die, and then none of the things we ever did matter anymore.

I strip my bed and throw the sheets into a pile by the door. My pajamas quickly join that pile, and I take a deep breath before setting foot in the bathroom. I shouldn't look in the mirror, I shouldn't look in the mirror, I shouldn't look in the mirror…

But I do. If my heart was only being squeezed before, now it's being crushed. My face is grey, my hair's a mess…and then there's the rest of me. My unsightly stomach, that bulge. I can't stand it. I trace my fingers over the dark lines crisscrossing above my navel, and I clench my teeth. There's no scale in this apartment, so I have to wait until the end of the week to weigh myself again, but I know I've gotten fatter while here. I have to do something about it. While I'm at it, I twist my body to check my back, and I grimace; whorls of black and blue spread from my spine down past my lower back. Any skin that isn't bruised is rough and red, almost calloused. It's awful to look at, but maybe it's a sign that I've lost weight. I don't know anymore; none of this makes sense. There's only pain.

I step into the shower stall and turn on the water. As much as I wish I could just sit underneath the shower head, shut my eyes, and sink into the darkness, doing that would make my bones hurt even more. But my mind is spilling over, it's hard to breathe, and…it just hurts. My heart is being ripped apart, and my stomach is eating itself. Everything hurts. I can't live like this. All I do is bring pain. To my family. To Naruto. To myself. I can't breathe. Instead of struggling like this, it's better to stop. Stop everything. End everything. Maybe then Mom will wake up, and everyone else will be happy. They're better off without me.

My fingernails are digging into my skin. There's some relief, but my fingernails are too short; it's not enough. I knew I should have brought some razor blades with me. I thought I could go a week without them, but I guess not. Pathetic. At this rate, there's only one thing left I can do to keep myself alive. I grab a disposable razor from the shower shelf and use all the strength I have to break the plastic apart. I step out of the shower, grab a pair of tweezers, and desperately try to pry the blade out. My fingers keep slipping, and I wince as the blade slices my fingers over and over again, but this is the only recourse I have.

Finally, the blade is out. Without hesitation, I step back into the shower and draw the edge across my stomach. The flesh splits open, and at first there's nothing, but then…red. Blood spills out of the wound, and the pain ebbs away along with it. Relief.

Relax, Sasuke. The memories...they could be fake. All the memories and flashbacks I've ever had are inconsistent with each other, too inconsistent to assume any of them are real. I always thought the car Mom was driving was a Porsche, but yesterday I remembered it as a BMW. Our last conversation in the car...I have different versions of that in my head too. I used to remember her being calmer, but this time she couldn't even hear me. I still don't know anything. In some of my memories she's lying on the road, and in others she's still in the car after the impact. Even her outfit was different from what I once thought.

I blink. My hand is still hacking at the same wound, and curtains of blood are streaming from my stomach. Shit. The cut is too deep...and I couldn't even feel it. I hastily finish up in the shower, turn off the water, and grab a towel. I hold it against my stomach as I race out of the bathroom to lie on the bed. I have to stop the bleeding. I might feel like dying, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to die either. And there's no way I can go to the emergency room for stitches. If Naruto found out that I do this to myself, he wouldn't let me hear the end of it. He wouldn't understand that I do this to live.

Dread settles inside of me again. Even if I stop the bleeding, the cut is deep. If I don't do something, it'll reopen whenever I sit or stand. I have to check for medical supplies in the bathroom.

Hesitantly, I peek underneath the towel, only to bite my lip; blood is still pooling on top of my stomach. I press the towel even harder against the wound and shut my eyes. It'll stop bleeding soon. I have to keep myself preoccupied in the meantime.

...Father once said I killed Mom. Maybe that's true and the accident is all my fault, but that doesn't prove that all my memories are real. There could be another reason he's blaming me. At the same time...for him to say that, maybe it means he knows something. The yakuza did come after me and Naruto yesterday. Then again, I never had issues when I was living here after the accident with Nii-san. The only decisive evidence I have of my memories being fake is Genji Monogatari. In my memories I always lose the book, but I still have Mom's copy. It's damaged from rain and blood too.

Besides...there's no way I could have killed someone. There's just no way.

...all of this is giving me a headache. Time to clean the wound out.

Gingerly, I stand up and stagger toward the bathroom. I have to focus on my wound and ignore the rest of my body. I have to ignore the fat hanging from my arms as I remove the towel from my protruding stomach.

Everything goes cold. The cut...it's gaping. If I had cut any deeper, I could have hit my organs. At least the bleeding is slowing down, but...this is bad.

I keep the now-drenched towel against my stomach with one hand and search through the cabinets with the other. Bandaids, tape, gauze, rubbing alcohol...liquid bandages. It's all expired, but it should work. I throw the towel in the sink and—

My hands. They're covered in blood.

"SASUKE DON'T!"

I shake my head. No. It's my blood. There's no proof that I actually stabbed someone. I rinse my hands and, bracing myself, spray the rubbing alcohol on my stomach.

Fire sears through my abdomen, and everything goes white. I hear the bottle of rubbing alcohol bang against the floor, but all I can do is clutch at the counter and breathe. I try not to writhe in agony, but the pain is almost unbearable. It hurts more than the cut itself.

The pain passes, but I'm already exhausted. I tiredly hold my stomach together, spread the liquid bandage over the wound and tape on some gauze, then clean up the leftover blood. Neither the liquid bandage nor the tape are strong enough to prevent the wound from reopening, but they'll help as long as I'm careful. I have to do everything possible to avoid going to the ER. What would Father say if he found out that I'm cutting myself? He probably wouldn't care, actually, as long as it helps me maintain my grades and my sanity, but he would be furious if anyone else found out. And Nii-san…he wouldn't leave me alone. No one can find out about this. In fact, I should go out and see Naruto before he can come in here. I can't chance him seeing all this blood, and I need to clear my head anyway.

After carefully putting on jeans and a sweatshirt, I step out into the hallway. I crinkle my nose; it smells like burnt toast. I make my way to the kitchen to see Naruto sitting at the table, a plate full of crumbs in front of him. The sight of his bruised cheek makes me look away, only to see a yellow bottle in one of his hands. That reminds me—I still need to take my migraine pills too.

Naruto pops a pill into his mouth and swallows, then notices me. "Feeling better, Sasuke?" He smiles. "I left bread in the toaster in case you want to eat."

At first I go to take a seat in front of him, but I stop. My stomach. Instead, I lean against the fridge and cross my arms. "I'm fine."

I eye Naruto's prescription on the table. I guess I could always ask him, but it's none of my busi—

"They're antidepressants."

I look up at Naruto. He's still smiling so warmly at me, and his eyes always sparkle with life. For a second I can't imagine how he could be depressed, but he does know pain. Maybe he's always just trying too hard to hide it. "Oh. I didn't realize you needed them."

"There's a lot of pain and brokenness in this world." Naruto gazes out the balcony. "We just have to face it head on and believe things can get better. It's been hard, but having friends and people I can count on helps."

"If everyone has their own pain, then there's no point in passing it on to other people," I mutter.

"That's not what I mean," he says as he leans back in his chair. "Obviously just dumping your problems on other people will hurt them, but if you share problems with each other, then it balances out."

"Some problems are worse than others."

Naruto frowns. "Does it matter? If it hurts, it hurts."

I avert my eyes from him. I know he's going to ask me about the accident again at some point, so I may as well say what I can now.

"I don't know if my memories from yesterday are real," I say. "There are a lot of contradictions between them and other memories I thought I had."

Naruto looks pensive. "Maybe what you said yesterday was right, that some of your memories might be made-up. Have you asked Itachi if he knows anything?"

My mood darkens. "I would if he actually answered his phone."

He leans forward again and rests his head on one hand. "All I can say is that there's gotta be some truth to what you remembered yesterday. You wouldn't be like this otherwise."

…I don't want to admit that he's right. But I'll never get any closure if I don't figure everything out. I'll start by sorting through my memories to see which ones are consistent with each other, then go from there. It has to be done alone—telling Naruto what happened would mean accepting that the memories real, and I can't believe them just yet.

"Probably. Anyway, didn't you say there was something you had to tell me?" I change the subject.

Naruto's ears turn red, and he squirms. "Yeah, but I don't think now's the right time for it."

"Why not?"

"You're preoccupied with more important stuff right now, so whatever I have to say can wait."

I shrug. "If you say so."

"Anyway," Naruto says, "I'm going to go sketch out in the balcony now. You should try to eat and get some rest so we can go out tomorrow."

My heart stops, and everything turns cold. "I can't."

"Why?"

I feel like I'm going to be sick again. "The yakuza might still come after us."

What if they came after us because I...because I killed one of them? Because they want revenge? I...

Naruto pauses, but his expression is firm. "If the situation was really that dangerous, I don't think Itachi would have let you come at all. Besides, he told me to stay with you. As long as we're together, I'm sure we're safe. We can call the police if it happens again."

"Fine, whatever." I roll my eyes, but anxiety gnaws at me. What is wrong with me? Who am I? A few months ago I would have dealt with this easily, but now...I'm weak. Between the accident, the memories, Father...Orochimaru...I'm crumbling. I don't have it in me anymore to face the world.

"...but you better be free on Friday!"

I don't know how much more my heart can take. "Why?"

"There's somewhere I wanna take you. It's a secret." He winks.

…I can't live as a shadow of myself. I'm stronger than my circumstances. That's what an Uchiha is, and it's the ideal I've been striving for all this time. I just have to learn to cope. It'll be fine.

"As long as we're back here early enough to pack. Now go sketch." I jerk my head toward the terrace before heading back to my room.

"Aren't you going to eat?" He calls out from behind me.

No. I can't deal with this now. There's so much to think and worry about that my mind is about to shut down. Homework and violin practice aside, I need to catch up on my exercise routine after having sat on a plane for ten hours. There's a treadmill in the workout room, so I don't have to go outside in order to run, and I can still do strength exercises as long as I'm careful with the cut on my stomach. I can't waste any more time thinking about my memories…but I can't just let go either.

I came here for the truth. And I won't leave without it.

My fingers hover over the keyboard, searching for the right words. Last paragraph. All I need to do is summarize the essay…

Ultimately, Hamlet depicts suicide as a solution to life and is only swayed by the prevailing religious attitudes of Shakespeare's time. This is clearly demonstrated in Hamlet's attitude toward suicide, Ophelia's burial, and the religious implications of King Hamlet's ghost.

One more sentence to end this…something insightful…

Sighing, I tap my phone screen. Still no new notifications. For the umpteenth time, I unlock my phone and call Nii-san, but I already know he won't answer. Ringing, ringing, and...

"Hello, you have reached Itachi Uchiha at—"

I slam down on the call end button and toss my phone onto my bed. How long is he going to ignore me for? I've texted and called him so many times, but he can't even give me the courtesy of acknowledging my messages. This is the one time I need something from him, and he's not there. Maybe he's finally had it with me.

Huffing, I return to my laptop screen. Only one more sentence.

...this is all my fault.

I mentally groan and put my head down on my desk. It's impossible to concentrate like this. I can't focus on the meaning of death in a play when I can't even find the answers to my own life. I've run through every version of my memories countless times, and I've figured out nothing. All I know is that there are three basic events: I lose my copy of Genji Monogatari and end up in some kind of trouble, Mom gets hurt, and we crash trying to escape. But I can't even take this as the truth because I still have Mom's book. The pages are curled from water damage, and there's blood on the cover, so I must have had it with me during the accident…but my memories aren't reliable. There are too many things I don't know.

…whatever the truth is, I can't figure it out unless Nii-san bothers to call me back and give me more information. I'm sure his memories are more accurate than mine.

Stop. Focus. One more sentence.

If applied in a modern and more secular context then, Shakespeare demonstrates how suicide is a viable option for anyone plagued by despair.

Done with English. We don't start reading Lord of the Flies until next week, so I can concentrate on everything else for now. I toss my copy of Hamlet back into my open suitcase and take out my bio notes instead. There's a genetics test next week, so if I can get through all the concepts, I'll be caught up in that class too.

But did I really kill that man? The feeling of plunging the knife into his chest felt so real...but that doesn't happen in every version of my memories. I didn't do that. But if I did, that could be the reason why the yakuza came after me and Naruto. But then again, they never came after me in the five years I lived here after the accident.

No. Phenotypes and genotypes. Now.

But I always thought Mom was driving a Porsche that day. I should check for pictures of the accident online, even though just the thought of it makes my stomach hurt. It'll be fine. Pictures can't be any worse than my memories of the accident itself.

Dread festers inside me, but I type 'Uchiha car accident' into the search bar, and news articles pop up right away. Bracing myself, I filter for images. There are plenty of pictures of Father, then...the accident. I don't know if I've ever looked at pictures of it before, but...it's as bad as I thought. The car is crushed on the driver's side, so mangled it barely even looks like a car. Just the thought of having been in there…

I glance down. The seatbelt is bloody. It's not my blood. I tug at it, but it's jammed. I can't get out of the car. I look over to my left, and—

I shake my head. No. There's nothing there. It's just me. And the car in the pictures is a BMW.

I shut my laptop closed and sigh. I still can't accept that those memories are real. Thinking about it, the place where we crashed is close to this apartment; it's not anywhere near a police station. So the flashback I had in the car with…Orochimaru…it can't be real. Just a nightmare based on reality. But I don't even know what I know.

My head is full of so many contradicting thoughts that my skull feels like it's about to break apart. There's no way I can study like this, not when I'm so distracted. I finished the research essay, so it's fine to move on to violin rehearsal now. Holding my breathe, I gently stand from my seat, hoping it won't reopen the wound on my stomach. It's been a couple of days, but it was so deep that I still need to be careful. After managing to stand, I pick up the violin case from beside my music stand and open it on my bed. I've practiced with this violin over the last few days, but it still feels so foreign to me. I guess I'm that much used to the school rental violin now.

After tightening my bow and doing some minor tuning, I prop the music stand in front of me and adjust the sheet music for The Kreutzer Sonata. Naruto's mom has helped a lot with the fingerings and bowings so far, but I'm still so far behind. I have to do better. I have to be better.

I set the violin under my chin and draw my bow across all four strings. The opening bars have no piano accompaniment, so the quadruple stops are entirely exposed. These chords must be perfect. I have to make it past the first round of the recital, then win the national competition. I need this win in order to boost my university applications when I start applying in the fall. And it all starts with these fucking quadruple stops. They're better than before, but now my presto section needs so much work. My fingers are flying across the strings, but the intonation is so sloppy, and I wince just listening to myself. I have to practice at a slower tempo in order to get this right, and I've barely even considered the pizzicato sections yet. I don't know how I'll have this piece ready in time, not with everything else I have to do.

The bow feels so heavy in my hand. I glance down and freeze; there's blood dripping from it. The knife clatters on the floor, and I back away. No. I didn't do it. I didn't do it!

It's all my fault.

There's a knock on the door. "Sasuke?"

I rub my eyes. I'm in my room in Tokyo. And my violin and bow are on the floor.

"Fuck," I mutter as I hesitantly crouch to pick them up. The bow is fine, but the violin takes more time to inspect. The strings are—

"Is everything okay?"

I jump, but manage to hold on to the violin this time. It's only Naruto.

"Yeah," I say as I go back to inspecting the violin. I strum the strings, and they're horribly out of tune, but that's fixable. One of the ribs is chipped, but the soundpost and bridge seem fine so far.

"Shit, did you drop your violin?" Naruto gasps.

I say nothing. I'll have to check again later, but the violin seems mostly okay. It's a cheap spare at best, so it's not worth anguishing over, but I'll still have to get it repaired eventually. For now I take a deep breath as I stand back up—my stomach still aches with every movement—then put the instrument and bow back in their case.

"Bastard." He rolls his eyes. "I think you've gotten better at that piece though."

"What makes you think that?" I shut the case closed.

"Hmm." Naruto looks pensive. "I guess before it sounded like you were playing the notes because you had to, but this time it sounded angry? Angsty?"

I put the case back on the floor, satisfied. "That's the point," I say. This piece is nowhere near ready, but it sounds like at least the expression is right.

"Anyway," he says, "are you ready to go?"

My blood runs cold. "Where?"

"Today is Friday, remember? I'm taking you somewhere secret."

I completely forgot. There's been too much going on for me to remember anything. I wasn't getting much done anyway, but…the yakuza are still out there.

No. I can't think like that. Naruto is probably right; Nii-san wouldn't have let us come here at all if the situation was that dangerous, and we can just call the police if it happens again. They won't get involved with a foreigner around. I'll deal with it if I have to. I'm an Uchiha. I can't let fear and weakness destroy me.

But I haven't even exercised today. By the time we get back, we'll have to start packing, so the only solution is to exercise during the night instead of sleeping. It's feasible as long as I'm quiet, and I have ten hours on a plane to sleep anyway.

I sigh. "I'll grab my sweater."

"Awesome! I'll wait for you by the door." Naruto grins before running off. His backpack looks stuffed to the point of almost splitting at the seams, and I dread finding out what plans he has for us. I check my sweater pockets to make sure I have my wallet, then grab my phone from the bed. I tap the screen. Nothing. This phone is absolutely useless.

"So you're not going to tell me where we're going?" I ask as I slip my shoes on at the entrance.

"Nope!" Naruto flashes a smile.

"And you know how to get there?"

"There's enough English in the train stations that I can figure it out. I have the directions on my phone anyway."

"You better not get us lost," I say as I brush past Naruto and step out into the hallway.

"My sense of direction isn't that bad, you know." He sulks as he follows me outside.

I lock the door behind us. "Let's just get back early enough for us to pack. We have to be out of here early tomorrow."

Naruto continues to chatter as we make our way toward what I assume is Aoyama-itchome Station. It's already late morning, but it's still so cold. No matter what I do or where I go, I can't escape the constant iciness that plagues my body. All I can do is uselessly stuff my hands into my pockets, hoping for some amount of warmth that will never come. The sun is shining, yet there's a certain darkness cast over the entire city. I look over my shoulder, but there's nobody out of the ordinary behind us. Still, I'm sure the yakuza are there. Maybe they won't do anything, but they're watching.

The moment my heart starts beating too fast, a thin layer of fog curls around my chest. The colours are starting to blend into each other, and my vision is blurring, but I can't let myself succumb to the fog now. I have to stay alert. Even if the likelihood of the yakuza confronting us is small, I can't get complacent. I check over my shoulder again; nothing. Did they give up? Did Nii-san or Father resolve any issues they had with them? Maybe that's why Nii-san hasn't replied to me yet. The problem with the yakuza might not have anything to do with me.

"Don't you think so?"

I blink. Naruto's looking at me. I have no idea what he just said.

"The new game coming out next week. I know you don't have a console, so you should come over and play."

"Once I'm caught up with everything." I don't have time for games. I don't have time for anything irrelevant to my goals. I'm still too weak.

"That means you're never gonna come then!" Naruto pouts. "You're always busy studying."

"And you don't study enough."

He smiles sheepishly. "Well, I'm not good at it, but I try!"

"Heh." I'm smirking. No. I can't let him make me feel this way. It'll only hurt me in the end. But no matter how hard I've tried to break this bond, he keeps coming back. I...

"So you better come to my house next weekend," Naruto says as we descend the stairs into the train station.

"Shouldn't you be with your girlfriend next weekend?" I try to suppress the anger simmering inside me. As close as he is to me, he's still so far away. "I've already taken you away from her for the entirety of March Break."

Naruto goes quiet. "That's actually part of what I wanted to talk to you about. I—"

Shit. He distracted me. I forgot to check if we're being followed. As we pass through the ticket gate, I try to check over my shoulder, but there's too many people. It would be easy even for the yakuza to hide in a crowd like this. At the same time, the crowd should make it hard for them to keep track of us too. We have to hurry onto the train and lose them.

"Are you even listening to me?"

I glance at Naruto before looking away again. "I was checking to see if we were being followed."

"I'm keeping an eye out too. I think we're okay so far," Naruto says as he takes another flight of stairs down toward the Ginza line. Where does the Ginza line go again? I never took the subway that often when I lived here, so I still have no idea where this idiot is taking me.

"Anyway, I was trying to say that we could study together next weekend if you want. I think that's the only way I can get you to come over." He stops as we reach the platform. "You're mostly caught up, right?"

"I will be after our bio and chem tests next week." This platform isn't as crowded as upstairs. We're too exposed. I hastily look both left and right, searching for anyone suspicious, but there's nothing.

Why am I so afraid? This isn't like with…Orochimaru. I'm overreacting. I can't let myself be like this. If all of this had anything to do with me, the yakuza would have come after me during the year I lived alone. I need to relax. None of this is real. These memories aren't real. I feel nothing.

The fog is filling my head again. This time I welcome it, let it invade my heart and kill it. It's easier to survive this way. This isn't real. It's just a dream, a dream that isn't mine. Naruto's mouth is moving, but the words echo like they're so far away. Even if the yakuza come, so what? None of this matters. I don't care anymore.

The monochrome city rushes by from out the train window, but it's so distant it doesn't even feel like it's me who's watching it. Naruto looks so excited, but there's so much fog separating us that he might as well not be here. I might as well not be here.

We're already outside. Weren't we on the train a second ago? It feels like it's been forever. The world is quiet.

"Do you know where we are yet?"

Naruto's words make their way through the fog, but I'm not sure how to respond. The city is steeped in darkness, and it's hard to see. I don't know where we are. I don't know what he just asked me. I don't know how to move my mouth.

I manage to nod before the fog sucks me back in. I'm walking blindly. Surviving. One step after another. Everything rushes past me in a blur, but time doesn't move at all. And I don't feel anything. It's always a choice between feeling too much and not feeling anything at all. I'm never sure which option is better.

"Sasuke…"

Leave me alone.

"Sasuke…"

Go away.

"Sasuke!"

Warmth. The colours rush back into the world, but all I see is blue. Naruto. His hands are on my shoulders.

"What?" I can move my mouth again. It belongs to me.

He removes his hands, but his gaze is unwavering. "What's going on with you?"

"What do you mean?"

Naruto shifts uncomfortably. "Your eyes…they were vacant."

"It's your imagination," I brush him off.

"No, I know you're usually pretty spacey, but this time it's like you weren't even there."

I wasn't. "Forget it."

"Do you even know where we are?"

No. Now that the fog has cleared, everything is so bright it hurts my eyes. We're standing in front of a fountain, and we're surrounded by so many trees that we must be in a park. Beyond the trees are several buildings towering above us…and now I know where we are.

"Hibiya Park."

Naruto smiles, but still looks uneasy. "Yeah, I figured you would have noticed on the way here...but you didn't."

"I have a lot on my mind."

Hibiya Park...I hadn't even thought of visiting. Naruto might be an idiot, but he always remembers the things I tell him and seems to understand the things I don't.

No. He's an idiot. If he really knew how I felt, he wouldn't lead me on like this…but it's also my own fault for feeling this way.

It's all my fault.

My breath hitches in my throat, and I struggle to breathe, but the words come out. "You always remember that I like this park."

"Yup!" Naruto starts walking deeper into the green space. "So I wanted to come here with you. You don't seem to like a lot of things, so I figured this place must be really special."

"Nostalgia." I follow him. "It's nothing but another park."

"But it means something to you," he says. "We can visit the Imperial Palace down the road after this too!"

"What did you even want to do here?" I ask. The cherry blossoms won't bloom for another week, so the trees are bare. That means the park will be as quiet as always…and the yakuza could catch us easily.

"We can look around, or you can show me your favourite spots." Still walking, Naruto slides his backpack strap off one arm and digs through his bag. "But first we'll have lunch!"

Dread weighs me down to the point I can barely keep walking. "You brought me here for a picnic?"

Naruto stops as we reach a flower garden. "Yeah! Wanna sit here? The pansies and camellias here are really nice."

No. But there's no way to get out of this. "Fine."

He sits down, takes out a picnic blanket from his bag, and lays it out on the grass. After setting his backpack beside him, he starts taking out countless containers of food. "I know you're picky, so I bought a ton of stuff at the convenience store hoping you'd like something."

Anxiety surges through me. I wasn't expecting this. I guess it's lunchtime, but...I should have been prepared for this. Of course he would want to eat. So now I have to be careful when I bend down to sit so I don't rip open the cut across my stomach. I have to brace myself for the pain that will inevitably shoot up my backside when I sit on the ground. I have to inspect all the food to see what's safe and what isn't. Then I have to try to eat it in front of Naruto. I'm already sweating, my hands are clammy, and I feel sick. I can't just sit and enjoy a picnic with...a friend. I hate this. I hate it all.

But a small part of me is happy that Naruto bothered to even think of me. I'm so pathetic. This must be how Sakura felt that day…she said going to the park with her was the closest thing we'd ever have to a date. To think I'd ever empathize with Sakura. But I can't be like her either. I can never breathe a word of how I feel to Naruto.

The moment I start to sit down, suddenly there's a vibration coming from Naruto's pocket. He stops sorting through the food to take out his phone, and a smile breaks across his face as he swipes to answer. I clench my fists; it must be Hinata.

"Hey, Sakura!" Naruto holds his phone from his face. A video call, and it's not Hinata this time. For a moment I feel relieved...but it shouldn't matter to me who calls him. I can never have him. I have better things to worry about, like the growing pressure against the bones in my backside.

"Hey!" she says. "How are things?"

"Good, thanks! On a picnic with Sasuke." He grins, then flips the phone so it's facing me. I freeze; I wasn't expecting to be confronted by my own face in the corner of the screen. I look so bloated, so grotesque, and—

"Hi, Sasuke!" Sakura smiles, but her expression darkens. "Is everything all right?"

"It's none of your concern." I look away. There's no way I can tell her what happened.

Out of the corner of my eye I see her pout. "You don't have to say it like that!"

Naruto flips the phone back toward himself. "He's just been prickly lately because...because of family stuff."

She sighs. "Sure, Naruto. I just wanted to check in on the two of you. Actually, can I talk to Sasuke for a minute?"

"Sure." He holds out the phone toward me.

Begrudgingly, I take the phone, and Naruto returns to setting food on the picnic blanket. "What is it?"

"Are you really sure you're okay?" Sakura slips into Japanese. "You can tell me what's going on. We're friends now, remember?"

I scowl. "Why are you even asking me this?"

"Because..." she trails off. "You don't look good. And your eyes are sad."

…what is that supposed to mean? Have I really gained so much weight in the past week that she would tell me that? No. I can't let my hard work be for nothing. I—

"Sasuke?"

I can't think about this now. "Family issues. Have you heard from my brother?"

"Itachi-san? No, I haven't. Why?"

"I haven't heard from him in a while and can't get in touch with him."

"Hmm, I'll see if I can find out anything," Sakura says, and then she smiles cheekily. "So how's your date going?"

I nearly choke. "What are you talking about?"

"The two of you? On a picnic? I bet it was Naruto's idea, right?"

"So what?"

"Come on, it's obviously a date!"

My face is burning, and I have to suppress the urge to throw the phone away. "In case you forgot, Naruto has a girlfriend."

Sakura looks taken aback. "He hasn't told you yet?"

...

"Told me what?"

She smiles sheepishly. "I'll let you guys get back to it then. I'll text you if I get any word from Itachi-san, okay, Sasuke-kun?"

Chills runs up my spine. That snake. Orochimaru. I can practically feel him lurking behind me...

"Sasuke-kun."

I shudder. No. He's not here.

"Sasuke-kun?"

I shake my head. "I told you not to call me that."

"But that's your name." Sakura looks confused.

"Drop the honorific. You don't use it when we talk in English, so it can't be that uncomfortable."

She makes a face. "It sounds weird in Japanese though."

"I don't care."

"Okay, fine." She sighs. "I'll let you go then…Sasuke. Tell Naruto I say bye."

"Bye." I hand the phone back to Naruto, who looks proud of himself. He's sitting cross-legged in front of the giant food display he set up, and I don't even know how he fit this all in his backpack. Sandwiches, rice balls, bento boxes, noodles, fried chicken, sushi, tamagoyaki...there's no way we can possibly finish all of this.

"I know I went overboard, but we can finish the rest for dinner later. I wanted to make sure there's something in here you'd eat." Naruto grins.

I dig my nails into my wrists. No. I can't let myself feel anything for him. I have to fight it. He didn't take me here for me. He only came to look at the plants. Besides, he has a...

Wait. I almost forgot what Sakura said.

"So what happened with Hinata?"

"W-what about her?" he says awkwardly as he splits his wooden chopsticks and starts serving himself.

"Sakura said there's something you haven't told me yet."

He cocks his head. "I told you everything on the way here. You didn't hear that part either?"

I look away. I can't touch any of the carbs or fried foods, which means most of the food in front of me is unsafe. One of the bento boxes is tuna sashimi with rice and vegetables, so if I skip the rice, it should be all right. How many calories is that? Each slice of sashimi has around 40 cal—

"You're still not listening."

I blink. I'm too distracted. I need to know what happened with Hinata, but finding the safest food I can force into my stomach is more important right now. But then I glance at Naruto, and…he's upset. How upset is he? Would he...? No, he's not like Father. I don't need to be afraid of him.

"I keep trying to tell you news that'll make you happy, and you tune me out every time," he says.

I try to focus. "What?"

"Hinata broke up with me."

...

I shouldn't be happy. It means nothing to me.

But I never expected her to break up with him either.

"Come on, I know you hate her," Naruto says. "You don't have to hide that you're happy."

I stare at my bento box. "I never said I hated her."

"Sasuke, you could not have made it more obvious how jealous you were."

I bite my lip. If my feelings are so obvious, maybe Father already knows everything, and this is the real reason why he hates me so much. "Is this what you had wanted to tell me since Monday?"

"Partially, yeah."

"And you waited a whole week to tell me this?"

"I was waiting for the right timing!" Naruto starts serving himself more food even though his plate is full. "Things haven't exactly gone according to plan."

"So why did she break up with you?" I pick at my tuna. Even if it's safe, after what Sakura said, I don't want to eat it. I can't afford to.

His face goes red as he finishes swallowing a bite of his yakisoba bread. "I knew telling you about this would make you happy, but do you have to rub it in?"

I shouldn't be happy. Just because he's single now doesn't mean I can have him, and I never will. Father would never approve. Part of me feels sorry that Naruto's experiencing some form of loss, but Hinata never deserved him. Not that I do either.

I shrug. "You're better off without her."

Naruto frowns as he gulps down a piece of sushi. "What makes you say that?"

"She watched people bully you for years and never once did anything about it until a few months ago."

Naruto is quiet for a second, but then smiles softly. "This is why you're my best friend."

I start separating the sashimi from the rice. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're always looking out for me, and it means a lot. Thanks."

I gesture toward the food display. "You packed all this food for us. Just eat."

Because if he eats, maybe he won't notice me not eating. There's so much food that merely looking at it makes me nauseous. I'm not hungry at all, and I don't know if I can even stomach water, let alone any of this.

"I'll tell you more about it later, but for now I just wanted to make you happy." Naruto grins, his cheeks stuffed with food.

Naruto…he doesn't care about my grades, my looks, my status, none of that. How is it that my happiness could matter so much to him? If only I could think the same way...but it's not possible. Not in my family. My happiness has never mattered so much as making sure I live up to the family name. Happiness and perfection…they can't coexist.

"Thanks."

Naruto's mouth drops. "You're that happy?"

I roll my eyes. "Just eat already."

But I'm not happy. I'm miserable. He might have done all of this for me, but my stomach is protesting, and I already know I won't be able to keep any of this food down even if I try. So much for this date.

"Are you almost done packing yet?"

"Nope!" Naruto calls out from his room.

I sigh; he's guaranteed to forget something. In the meantime, I scan my bedroom to make sure I didn't forget anything. Besides the toiletries I need for tomorrow, everything seems to have been put away already. I didn't buy anything except for clothes, gum, a few study guides, and a pack of razor blades when Naruto wasn't looking, so there isn't much I could be leaving behind anyway.

Finally, only one more day until I can weigh myself. I need to check how much damage I've done to myself. I fit in the airplane seats on the way here, so there's no way I could have ruined myself so much within a week that I won't fit on the way back…right? There's no way. I can't be worrying so much over this. I should worry about how I'm going to survive actually sitting in one of those seats for ten hours. The pain…by the end of the trip, more of my skin will be purple and blue than not. I'll also have to exercise even more when I get back to make up for all the time spent sitting. I'm used to doing 100 pushups in one shot, but I should work up to doing 1000. That's the only way I'll be able to achieve a toned body.

But then…I don't know how I'm going to face Father after this, not to mention Nii-san and…Mom.

I carefully seat myself on the bed and put my head in my hands. No. I can't dwell on this. Those memories didn't happen. None of them did. And as soon as Nii-san finally calls me back, he can confirm it for me. He'll explain everything he knows and how it completely contradicts what I think I remember. It's all made up.

"Have you seen the magnets I bought for my parents?" Naruto calls again.

"You left them in the kitchen."

"Thanks!"

I pick up my phone from the night table and tap the screen. Nothing. If something had happened to Nii-san, Father would have called me by now, so this can only be Nii-san ignoring me for disobeying him. Maybe…Maybe I shouldn't have come here after all. I don't need these fake memories ruining whatever I have left.

…wait. It's vibrating. My phone is vibrating in my hand. There's a photo of Nii-san on my screen. He's actually calling me.

My heart stops. My hands grow cold. I've been desperate for him to call me for days, but now that he's calling…No. I can't get like this. I came all this way to find the truth. I can't stop now. I'm an Uchiha. I always accomplish my goals.

I swipe to answer. "Why the hell have you been ignoring me for so long?" I lash at him in Japanese.

"Hello to you too, Sasuke." My brother's voice sounds pleasant, but that's only to veil the iciness in it.

"You text Naruto but can't respond to any of my calls or texts?"

"What is it you wanted to ask me?" Nii-san is calm, so calm it's unsettling.

I throw myself off the bed and pace around my bedroom. "Tell me everything. Everything you know about the accident."

"Did something happen?"

"Just tell me!" I yell.

"Well," he starts, "Father received a phone call that night from the police explaining how you and our mother were involved in a car accident. Father and I rushed to the scene and found that you had already been transported to the hospital, but they were still removing Mother from the car."

"What make of car was it?"

"BMW. What is this about, Sasuke?"

…I used to remember Mom lying on the street in a pool of blood. I thought I was still in the Porsche holding her book…but it's wrong. All wrong. I made it up. So the memories I've remembered recently are probably…but…

"Where was my copy of Genji Monogatari?"

"Excuse me?"

"The book Mom gave me!"

There's a pause. "Oh, yes, I remembering bringing a book you left in the car to the hospital. It was damaged."

…but in all the flashbacks I've had since last year, I end up losing the book.

"That's not possible. The book was stolen from me that day."

Another pause. "That could not have happened, Sasuke. I found the book in the car."

I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's real anymore.

I clench my fists. "So then why the fuck were the yakuza after me the other day?"

"Yakuza?" Nii-san says incredulously. "Sasuke, there is no reason for me to believe that anyone would follow you, let alone the yakuza."

…

Nii-san…he wouldn't lie to me. I never saw anyone following us after all. I only trusted Naruto. Naruto…he could have fooled me. He could have done all this to make me look like an idiot so he could laugh behind my back. But I know even after all our fights and miscommunications that he wouldn't lie to me. Not like this. He wouldn't be that cruel to me. Besides, Nii-san is the one who insisted on me not coming to Japan. Something's wrong. Nii-san…he's lying to me.

I snap.

"Stop fucking lying to me. Naruto's the one who realized we were being followed, so why don't you text him if you think I'm just being paranoid?! You're the one who texted him the day we left Vancouver asking him to stay with me! What, because he's a foreigner and would make the yakuza leave me alone? You knew about this all along!"

"Sasuke, you need to calm down." His voice is so cold. "I believe we need to speak again about you seeing a therapist."

"A therapist!?" My heartbeat roars in my ears. "You're the one who's lying to me and trying to make me think I'm delusional!"

"I would never do such a thing." I don't even recognize his voice anymore.

"Well fuck you." I seethe. "I remember. I remember everything that happened that night, so stop trying to hide it from me. I know I got kidnapped by the yakuza. I watched them gang rape Mom, and I had to stab and kill one of them so we could get away. That's why she ran a red light that day and crashed. That's why everything is broken. And you trying to hide it from me is a cruel waste of time."

I hold my hand to my mouth as if that could help me resist the urge to throw up. I said it. I admitted it. It's true. It's all true. Mom was raped. I killed one of them. We crashed. All of this is my fault. It's all my fault.

There's a sigh. "Now you are beginning to understand why I asked you not to go to Japan, Sasuke."

…so he knew. He knew all along.

"You—" I take a breath. "You lied to me. You lied to me for all these years. You pretended nothing was wrong and let me believe I was innocent when all of this is my fault! And I bet Father knows too, doesn't he?"

"He does."

My blood boils with rage. "So you let me live like this not understanding why Father hates me so much! Why the fuck did he even want me to move to Vancouver!?" I scream. "It was all you, wasn't it? For the same reason you didn't want me to come back to Japan?"

"What happened is that the—"

I nearly smash the phone screen as I end the call, then hurl the phone onto my bed. It bounces off a pillow and clatters onto the floor, and I curse again. My breathing is ragged, I'm shaking, and my chest hurts almost more than my stomach does. I can't believe this. All these years…six years…all a lie. Everyone knew but me. I'm such a fool.

"Sasuke?"

I whirl around, only to see Naruto standing by the door, his eyes wide.

"What's going on?"

"He knew." I breathe hard. "He knew everything!"

"What?"

"Nii—Itachi! He knew the truth about the accident all this time. He hid everything and watched me flail around like an idiot. He—he betrayed me!"

Naruto looks perplexed. "Wait, I don't get it. Why would he do that to you?"

"I don't know!" My head is starting to pulsate. "To protect the family name? To make sure what happened never got leaked to the public?"

Naruto takes a step toward me, his arms out. What the fuck does he want with me? What's he doing to me? He's—

…His arms are around my shoulders. It's a hug.

"I'm sorry," he says. "It must hurt."

No. I can't accept this. I can't lean into his warmth. Not with this rage spilling out of me. Not with my body so tainted, my hands so bloodstained.

I take him by the shoulders and push him away. "Get away from me. I'm not who you think I am."

"Sasuke…" he trails off, his eyes missing their usual shine. "I'm worried about you."

"What for?" I snap.

"You've barely eaten anything this week, and"—he hesitates—"when I hugged you just now, it was like hugging a skeleton."

"What?" I glare at him. "I'm fine. It's been a bad week." There's nothing wrong with me. I'm only doing what I have to do to survive in this family. But now I'm beginning to realize the level of destruction I've wrecked upon us.

...at least he thinks I'm thin.

"Sasuke, I don't know how much you're gonna like what I'm about to say, but I have to say it." Naruto looks daunted, but determined. "And I've never even said this to a girl like I said I would!"

"Just say it!"

He takes a deep breath. "Sasuke, you can't go on like this. I'll be your Hero. I'll be your Knight."

…

My mind is so busy that it takes a while for the memory to finally emerge, but now I remember. Naruto told me he wanted to confess to his first love like that. He thought it would make him look cool.

So it's absolutely irrelevant to our conversation.

"Really?" I cross my arms. "You thought it was a good idea to say this now? When I just found out that I…I…"

I stop. If I say it now, I'll end up spewing vomit again.

"I said it because I want to save you!" Naruto insists. "I don't know everything that's going on, but I know you're suffering. I will save you."

I turn my back toward him. "From what?"

"Yourself."

"It's not the first time you tell me that." I close my eyes. "Besides, you can't save me."

"That's not true. I'll pull you out of the darkness myself. I'll bring the real you back!"

"Drop the saviour complex." I look at him from over my shoulder. "The longer I live, the more I realize that life is meant to be cruel. We're all meant to be broken, and for what? Nothing. Trying to save other people won't help you save yourself, Naruto."

Naruto's blue eyes break. He opens and closes his mouth as if he were going to say something, but can't find the words. Finally, he gazes at me.

"Bastard." His voice is barely a whisper. "I don't care what you say. I won't give up on you even if I die trying."

There's nothing but silence. Once I hear his footsteps echo down the hallway, I shut the door and kneel on the floor. There's not much left for me in this world, but there's one thing I can still do. My new goal is 1000 pushups in one shot. The sooner I start working toward this, the better, and there's no reason to wait.

I position my palms and feet on the ground, then bend my elbows to lower myself.

"One…"

A/N: Thank you for reading! Regarding Itachi, I never originally planned for him to know everything, but after some thinking, I deemed it appropriate. While he may love Sasuke, he can also be extraordinarily cruel and abusive toward him when he deems it to be for the greater good. The chapter title refers to Sasuke and Itachi's relationship, actually.

If any of the content was triggering, I urge you to contact a local emergency hotline.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and I'll try not to take too long in uploading the next one.