Chapter 19

—21 Days Left—

Anna had never been in a long distance relationship before. She didn't like it. When she agreed to come to California with Kristoff this is not what she expected. Anna had experienced loneliness pretty extensively so she was familiar with the feeling. This was different. She wasn't lonely per say...she just felt like she was missing something. A piece of her was missing.

Oh my god I sound like a fucking teenager in a John Green book.

Anna had to keep reminding herself that this was Kristoff's job—his dream—and there were sacrifices they both had to make. He was gone on another four day road trip, this time to Visalia, and Anna was having an existential crisis.

Why did I come here? But if I wasn't here where would I be? New York? Fat fucking chance. Arendelle? Would that have been better? Really alone, counting down the days until my friends came back? Should I just follow him to all of his game? What the fuck? No! That's crazy. He doesn't need that. Maybe I'm not cut out for this.

That last thought stopped Anna in her tracks. She had gone back and forth a thousand times in the days leading up to the MLB Draft thinking Kristoff was going to dump her. And she had gotten to a point where she had come to terms with it. She knew it would be hard, but she also knew she was strong and she would be ok. Anna had never given a thought to the idea of her breaking up with him though. There was the obvious reason that they still loved each other, but...was that enough? Even if she didn't want to end their relationship, Anna had to think about what was best for Kristoff and what was best for her. She had a front row seat to how difficult this season was for him and how hard he was working. They barely talked as it was, and if she was in Colorado one-hundred percent of the time...what would their relationship look like? Would they just drift apart until they just agreed to an amicable break up? Or would they start to resent each other and have a huge blow out over the phone? There's no way dragging it on would be better for either of them.

The chiming of her iPhone's text notification made Anna physically jump.

They got some big ass trees here

The iMessage was accompanied by a picture of a Giant Sequoia tree. Anna snorted at the words and then was slightly jealous Kristoff was so close to the National Park. She shot off a quick reply, shut out her earlier thoughts and opened youtube on her laptop to watch "#VanLife" videos.

—17 Days Left—

"Hey, will you come in here?" Anna was sitting on the couch and Kristoff was doing something in their room. She had made the decision to have a real, adult conversation about what their relationship will look like once she is back in Colorado. When Kristoff walked into the living room, Anna couldn't help but grin at him. He was shirtless with a pair of his team shorts on.

He flopped down on the couch and pulled Anna towards him, "Hey." he said casually and rubbed his hand down her exposed leg.

"I want to talk about your plan." Right to the chase. She only had two and a half more weeks. So that made her more confident than she was before the Draft.

"What do you mean?" Kristoff furrowed his brows.

"So your season ends in September, then what?" Anna clarified.

"Well I don't really know yet." Kristoff's voice was even.

"What do you mean?" Now Anna furrowed her brow, how did he not know?

Kristoff's hand continued to slide up and down her leg subconsciously, "It depends what the organization wants to do with me. There are other leagues that happen in our 'off season' that run until November, so I could get invited to those. But I haven't heard yet. If I do, then I'll have some time off during the holidays and then I'm hoping the Giants invite me to Arizona for Spring Training. That will start in February."

So that would be three months without seeing Kristoff. And she was having a tough time with seven days. "And how do you feel about that? Three months…" She left the words hanging in the air, not finishing her sentence, but Kristoff knew.

"Well it's not great, but it's not for forever either."

Anna paused, yeah that was true but it didn't make it suck any less, "Relationship-wise, has this been hard for you?"

"Well…" Anna could tell Kristoff was feeling guilty, "I think it's a lot harder on you than it is me. Not that I don't care or something shitty like that." he added hastily, "It's just, I'm so busy, it's hard to focus on anything besides baseball."

Anna stared at the wall above their TV and mumbled, "Yeah, I understand." And she did. So why did she feel slighted that he was sharing her pain? Misery loves company and all that.

Kristoff shifted their bodies and was facing her fully now, "How can I fix this?" The guilt was pouring out of him but that only made Anna feel worse. She didn't want him to feel guilty. This wasn't his fault. It wasn't anyone's fault.

Anna moved some of his shaggy hair out of his face, it was getting so long, "I love you and there is nothing to fix. This is your new normal. I want you to focus on baseball. Everything is fine."

"It doesn't feel like everything is fine." Kristoff spoke softly, his hazel eyes shifting over her face for some more answers.

"When is your next day off?" Anna changed the subject, not wanting to continue this one because she knew there was no solution.

Kristoff didn't feel like their conversation was over, "After this next home stand, so in…" he thought, "4 days"

"Can we please please please go to the Six Flags in Vallejo? They have lions and tigers there."

"And bears? Oh my!" Anna pushed his shoulder and Kristoff laughed, "I couldn't resist! You walked right into that one. But yes, I would love to spend the day pissing myself on roller coasters with you."

—13 Days Left—

"Ok, lunchtime. Would you like a churro or a pretzel?" Anna asked as she pulled Kristoff in the direction of a food cart.

"Are those my only options?" Kristoff groaned.

Anna rolled her eyes, "All you eat everyday is rice and chicken. You can have one cheat day."

"Can I have my churro dipped in an ice cream cone?"

Anna stopped and spoke seriously, "I don't think I have loved you more than this very moment."

Kristoff laughed and ordered enough snack food to feed a summer camp. They found an empty table and spread out their bounty. They ate in silence until Kristoff asked, "So are you excited to head back to Arendelle." Anna resisted giving him a deadpanned look.

"I don't know if excited is the right term." She didn't elaborate.

"I'm sure you're excited to see the girls though right?"

Anna's attitude softened, "Yeah...I am. I'm sure we have a lot of catching up to do." She hadn't done a good job keeping in touch with Rapunzel or Tiana this summer. But they understood and of course had requested (demanded) a margarita night the day they all returned to The Palace.

Kristoff huffed, "I still can't believe I won't be going back this fall. This all just feels like playing in Cape Cod every summer and it will end and I'll be back in my shitty apartment and shooting the shit with Flynn and Naveen."

"Have you heard from them at all this summer?"

"A little bit. We've got a group chat but we mostly just send funny videos and memes." Kristoff's voice was light so she couldn't tell if he was bothered by that or not.

"Have you given any thought to what you'll do with the Airbnb once I leave?"

"Yeah, I talked to Ryder Nattura and he's up for getting an apartment together. It's a month to month lease so if something happens then neither of us will be on the hook for a bunch of rent."

"Good."

Kristoff put his corn dog down on the paper tray and turned to Anna, "I know this is so shitty. But we're gonna be fine. We'll text and we'll facetime and maybe we can even do short trips to see each other."

Kristoff spoke like he really meant it, but they were empty promises. Anna chose her next words carefully, "I will do anything to help get you to the Majors." She grabbed his shirt and pulled him down into a kiss. He tasted like mustard and sunscreen. But it was perfect.

—9 Days Left—

They had had an amazing day at Six Flags and then Kristoff had to leave for another road trip. He had only been gone for three days. But it was enough for Anna to solidify her decision to break up with him when she went back to school. Kristoff was working so hard and it would only get harder when the spring season came around. If he was really going to work to get to the Majors then he couldn't be distracted. And she wanted to focus too. She had morning workouts, then classes and fall ball and she was hoping to get an internship in the off season too. And then in the spring she was desperate for her team to make it to Oklahoma City for the Softball World Series. Watching the boys in Omaha only pushed her determination to get there herself.

Even when Kristoff lived 5 minutes from her in Arendelle, they had their moments. But now? Trying to navigate a long distance relationship with a professional baseball player while she was still trying to finish her senior year? It wasn't fair for either of them.

When Kristoff was away their relationship was stagnant. Which was understandable, but it didn't make it any easier. They seemed to be having the same conversations over and over again:

Goodmorning

What are you doing today?

That sounds fun

I've gotta go, I'll text you later

Hey, how was your day?

Goodnight

When Anna leaves for Colorado they won't see each other at all. And she can't take that. She's grateful for the extra time here with Kristoff though. It was better than nothing.

—0 Days Left—

Anna had felt sick for days. Her stomach was in knots and it was even harder to put on a happy face so Kristoff didn't suspect anything. Today he had to report to the field at 2pm, just like normal, so she had to request an Uber to take her to the airport. He felt bad, but she assured him it was fine. It was exactly what she planned for. Looking at the app, the car would be here in seven minutes. That wasn't enough time for Kristoff to convince her this was a mistake and to stay together. She didn't want to be convinced. She wanted to rip the bandaid off and retreat like the coward she was. It was no coincidence that she wanted until this exact moment to have this conversation. It was a cop out, she knew it.

With her bags all packed and stacked by the door, Anna felt her stomach clench and grabbed Kristoff's hand. When he focused on her, he did not like what he saw. "Kristoff, I think...this is it." She couldn't even say the proper words.

"What do you mean?" His voice held no understanding or warmth.

Anna took a deep breath and tried to look him in the eye, "I'm going to be in Colorado and...I think our relationship would just complicate things. We both will have a lot on our plate and- ...you don't need our relationship making it harder for you. It's for the best. For y- for both of us to be successful." There was nothing Anna wanted more than for Kristoff to achieve all his hopes and dreams. So yes, breaking up might feel shitty now, but it would be for the best if Kristoff wasn't distracted on his journey to the Majors. She had to remember that she had dreams too though. She wasn't breaking up with him just for his benefit. Right? Right.

Kristoff's eyes shifted away from her and he stepped away, "I-...Shit Anna. I don't know what to say. I- I know you're right." A small part of her had hoped he would fight her on this. "But I love you so much. I don't want to lose you." Kristoff turned back to her, she hated the look he gave her.

"You won't. I'll be here, Bjorgman. But this is your time. You won't get it back. You do you. Don't worry about me." Anna dropped her hands, she wanted to reach out to him but resisted.

"I'm always going to worry about you." Kristoff's voice was hollow now.

Anna whispered back, "I know, but I'll be fine." She really hoped that was true.

"I love you." He moved into her body, wrapped his arms around her and held her.

"I love you too." She squeezed him tight and prayed the tears stayed away. The ping of her phone alerted her that her Uber was outside. Pushing her hands against Kristoff's chest, she pulled back. His thick eyebrows were furrowed but she only saw the tears brimming his lower lashline, never falling. She leaned up and kissed his lips softly one last time.

She wanted it to be a chaste kiss. A goodbye kiss. But he gripped her so tight that her heart wanted to explode and sorrow filled her bones. Kristoff's lips moved over hers with months of practiced ease. His hands held the back of her neck and her hips and she could feel every wonderful inch of him. The desire was still there, curling in her stomach, but instead of an exciting anticipation it was more of a dull ache that she knew she would never be able to satisfy.

She didn't know how she got into the Uber. But then the door was shut and the driver was pulling away from the curb. That's when her dam broke.