an: i know i've said happy times are coming, and they are, just bear with me as we work through this part of the story! i hope you enjoy it
song for this chapter: bear's den – agape
1914
for i'm so scared of losing you
and i don't know what i can do about it, about it
"I'm so sorry, Roy."
She felt him nod behind her back in their bed, his chin shifting the hair on the back of her head. Riza's hands idly fiddled with the duvet covering them, too anxious about the upcoming conversation to do much else. After offering her condolences she lifted one hand to Roy's that was by her head. He'd snaked his arm underneath her neck before they'd gotten comfortable, and it was Riza's favourite thing to do. Gripping his hand so close to her face was an immense comfort that she always enjoyed.
"Thank you," he whispered. "He was murdered because of what he knew, I think."
"Knew about what?" Riza asked fearfully.
Roy was silent for a long moment. "I think he found out something big about the military. Something so big that he could tear them down with the news." She heard him swallow and Riza gripped his hand tighter, squeezing it. Roy's hand curled tightly over hers, gripping onto her like she was a life raft. "I don't know what it was, but it must have been worth it for someone to kill him over it."
Riza flinched at how blasé he was talking about all of this. However, she realised he was probably used to death after going off to war. The memory of his thousand-yard stare flashed in Riza's mind and she remembered his nightmares, filled with death and destruction, and she shivered. It prompted her to hold onto him tighter.
"I'm going to find out what it was," Roy stated, his tone determined.
White hot fear flashed through her body. If he got killed over this secret too…
"Please don't," she whispered before she could even think. Then, Riza panicked. This is what had prompted their last argument. "I mean, please, just…" Riza floundered, trying to think of the right words but she had nothing. She didn't want him to die. He had a wife and child waiting for him at home. He couldn't be reckless and go off, getting himself killed like that.
A horrible thought occurred to Riza. Maes had a wife and daughter too, but he still went ahead with it, and people always said Maes was the more level-headed one out of him and Roy. She almost panicked when she thought of Roy leaving for work one day then coming home in a body bag.
It had always been a reality for her, but now that she'd lost a friend in the same way she feared she would her husband, that reality came crashing down on her. It buried her under its weight, leaving her struggling to breathe.
Roy was silent and Riza loosened the grip on his hand as she curled into a tight ball. She didn't think he'd even noticed she was no longer holding his hand.
She didn't want an argument like last time.
"I don't want you to die," she stated quietly. Taking a deep breath, she exhaled shakily. "The only reason I asked you not to pursue it the other night was because I don't want to lose you." Her body curled inwards again, her voice dropping to a whisper as she finally admitted her reasonings to him. "It's selfish of me to ask this of you because I know how much Maes meant to you."
In her mind, it was more than she meant to him. Maes got Roy through Ishval. Maes helped him rise through the ranks quickly. All Riza had done was rouse him from his nightmares and comforted him. She'd sacrificed so many hours of sleep to try and soothe him, but it always felt like it took hours to calm him down. She'd seen Maes place a hand on Roy's shoulder when he was about to lose it. All Roy needed to do was close his eyes, count to ten, then he was off again, moving forwards and away from the memory of his past. Riza never had that touch. It was never that easy at night. She never once resented Maes for that fact. She was just glad someone could help Roy, but she'd never felt more useless in that moment.
"It's not selfish," Roy murmured. His hand was shifted out from underneath her neck. Riza bit her lip, mourning the loss of it, even though she'd initiated the break in contact. A hand was placed on her shoulder. The way his thumb was making circles in place was so gentle. "Get some rest," he stated, ending the conversation. "You're still recovering."
Go to sleep, Riza. This is nothing for you to worry about. You wouldn't be able to help anyway.
Her mind was bitter tonight. It still felt like she burdened him every day, but in order to get her feelings sorted out, she knew she needed to work through it herself. They'd get through Maes' funeral, hopefully without another argument, then she'd take it from there.
"Okay," Riza swallowed. She didn't turn to kiss him goodnight like she always did. She shifted so her face was half buried in her pillow, wanting to hide herself from the world for the night.
She felt ashamed.
First, she'd collapsed after hyperventilating at the thought of Roy leaving her. Pathetic. Secondly, she'd traumatised her daughter by making her find her unconscious body in their bathroom, out cold and unable to wake up. You're a terrible mother to put your daughter through that. And lastly, Roy was filled with such a rage towards Maes' killer. She was supposed to calm him down and keep him on track of his goals. This wasn't it, because she knew he'd be so furious he'd use his alchemy to exact his revenge. He couldn't get revenge on someone like that. That wasn't the Roy Mustang she knew and loved. If she was unable to talk him out of this, then she really was useless.
He doesn't need someone like you.
Expertly, she exited the bed without jostling it too much. Thankfully, Roy was asleep, something Riza hadn't even noticed until she was out of bed. It normally took hours for Roy to fall asleep. Just how long had she been going over things inside of her own mind? She made her way to their bathroom, locking the door softly behind her.
Riza caught her reflection in the mirror. She looked awful. The bandage was off her head and there was an ugly purple bruise in its place, accompanied by a sizeable lump. Riza froze when her eyes settled on the floor through the mirror's reflection. She'd been too ashamed to look at the image staring back at her which was a reminder of her failings, but glancing down… This is where she'd passed out. This is where Mia had found her… Unconscious.
Tears swelled in her eyes. They fell silently and her breathing made no more sound than a whisper. Gripping the porcelain tightly once again, Riza shut her eyes and squeezed them tightly shut. Her fingers were beginning to burn because of the pressure.
Useless.
How could she have put Mia through something like that? After getting home from the hospital, Mia hadn't been up nor down with either of them. She appeared as if everything was perfectly normal and Riza was just waiting for her to crack. She watched her daughter carefully and closely before she went to bed but there was no change in behaviour. Not that they'd had much time, it was dark by the time they got home, and they were all exhausted. The room had been spinning slightly for Riza, so she'd retired to bed early, like Mia. It wasn't a ploy to escape from Roy for a while… Not at all…
How bad had things gotten, that she was actively trying to avoid her husband?
They needed to be better for Mia's sake.
They needed to.
Pulling herself up to her full height, Riza stared at herself in the mirror. A blank stare looked back at her, but slowly, resolve formed in her eyes. Determination made its way in there as well.
Riza needed to be better to herself.
She was not useless. She tried her best and always had. She wanted her family to be happy and healthy. She would do everything in her power to ensure that happened. Riza Mustang was more than capable.
Her shoulders rolled back as she looked at herself in her reflection once more.
It would be hard. She was used to avoiding fights with her father when he lashed out and she'd fallen into that trap once again. But Roy was not her father and she was no longer a child. She was an adult. She was Mia's mother and Roy's wife. He'd apologised for his actions and while it may take her a while to accept it, she had to get through this. She deserved to get through it for her. Plus, she had the little one to think of. Riza placed a hand over her tiny bump and let out a deep breath. There were people counting on her. She had to deal with this and move forward.
Keep moving forward.
She owed it to those who'd lost their lives thanks to flame alchemy – a power she let loose in the world.
Get through Maes' funeral in one piece, then she'd deal with her family worries. The military was quick and efficient when it came to a funeral, so Maes would be buried within days. She'd be able to hold it together until then.
Maes' funeral was a long and hard day. Roy was at the front with the rest of the soldiers alongside Gracia and Elicia. Riza was a few rows back with Mia in her arms. Her head was on Riza's shoulder, her thumb in her mouth as Riza swayed her gently. Mia's tears were a constant but silent stream down her cheeks, and Riza let her ride it out. Riza could say nothing, offer nothing, because there was nothing that would bring her Uncle Maes back.
"Mummy?" Riza heard Elicia ask from the front. She sounded so confused. "Why are they putting all that dirt on Daddy?"
Riza froze, her stomach twisting painfully.
"Elicia," she heard Gracia whisper, then sob.
"No, stop it!" she cried out as Gracia lifted her daughter into her arms. "Stop putting dirt on Daddy! He has to go to work! Leave him alone!"
Riza took a deep breath as her tears began to fall silently too. She hated this for them. That little girl had lost her Daddy. That was so unfair. He was such a kind, good, and honest man. He hadn't deserved this fate.
He'd died helping Roy towards this goal to take down the military. Riza had vomited twice at the thought of Roy suffering the same fate. Someone in a very high position of power was trying to stop Roy, and that petrified her. She couldn't even eat. She had no appetite. When Roy prompted her about it, that morning, Riza reassured him she was fine and that she couldn't eat in the mornings because of the pregnancy. It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't exactly the whole truth either. Every time she brought it up, he faltered and was rendered mute, staring at her.
Like he'd completely forgotten about it.
Or, he no longer wanted it. That second voice in her head was vicious and had become more prominent in recent days.
Riza left the kitchen table without another word, heading off to get Mia ready for the funeral. She needed action and movement to silent that voice.
Roy had been so focussed on helping Gracia through the funeral arrangements, and rightly so, that they'd barely seen each other. But a small voice inside her head whispered as she left the room that she didn't want to see the beginning of her end.
"Mummy?" Mia asked quietly.
Small hands were pressed against Riza's cheeks and she turned, finding Mia staring at her. Her daughter smiled, a small but sad smile, and then bunched her black cardigan up in her fists. Riza was rendered mute as Mia wiped at the moisture on her cheeks, her brow furrowing in her concentration as she tried to wipe away her mother's tears. Then, without another word, Mia wrapped her arms around Riza's neck. Her mother was left there, mute with surprise, and too shocked at her actions to move. Then, the tears built once more.
"I love you Mummy," Mia whispered. Riza gripped her body tighter. She wouldn't break. Not now. Not in front of her daughter. "I always will, okay?"
"I know, Mia Bear," she whispered. "I love you too. So does your Daddy." Riza's voice cracked.
The soldiers filed out in formation, Roy included, but Gracia stayed in place, holding Elicia tight as the little girl cried loudly.
"Do you want to go and see Daddy, Mia?" Riza asked her, shifting Mia in her aching arms. Gracia needed to be comforted and Riza wanted to offer that to her.
To Riza's surprise, Mia latched onto her neck tightly. "No." Riza blinked at her. "I want to stay with you."
"I think Daddy needs a hug –"
"So do you," Mia replied quietly. "You're sad too."
"I'll be fine, Mia –"
Her five-year-old shook her head. "I need you Mummy," she admitted very quietly. "I want a cuddle."
She paused for a second, just watching her daughter. "All right then," Riza agreed. "You can stay here for now. Do you mind if we go and see Aunt Gracia and Elicia?" Mia shook her head. "All right, let's go."
Riza approached and swallowed thickly, listening to little Elicia sobbing. She placed Mia on the ground, her arms too tired to hold her, but Mia latched onto her hand and refused to let go. Riza was grateful for it.
Placing a hand on her old friend's shoulder, Riza said nothing as Gracia hugged her daughter tightly.
"Auntie Riza?" Elicia asked, momentarily distracted. Her eyes were red and blotchy as she stared at Riza, wondering why she was suddenly there.
"Hey, Sweetie," Riza greeted, offering her a smile.
"What are you doing here?" she asked, confused.
Gracia removed her face from Elicia's shoulder. She opened her mouth to scold her daughter but Riza squeezed Gracia's shoulder and gave her a small smile.
"It's okay," she reassured her grieving friend. "I'm here to say goodbye to your Daddy."
"I don't want him to go," she mumbled, gearing up to cry again.
"I know, Sweetie. I know you don't. None of us do," Riza reassured her. "Come on, why don't we go and see if we can clean up that snotty nose of yours?" she asked, "booping" Elicia on the nose. The young girl paused for a second then giggled. Riza smiled at her when she nodded. "Let's give Mummy some time to say goodbye to Daddy –"
"But… I want to as well!" Elicia cried, looking terrified that she might not be able to. Her grip became iron tight on the front of her mother's cardigan.
"You will, don't worry," Riza explained. "I'll bring you right back if you want. I promise. But let's clean up that nose first, instead of wiping it on Mummy's nice dress, shall we?"
Elicia looked at her mother, but Gracia wasn't looking at her daughter. Her eyes were grateful towards Riza.
Opening up, Riza took the child into her already exhausted arms.
"Thank you," Gracia sniffed, murmuring her thanks in Riza's ear.
When Riza pulled away, Roy appeared as if from nowhere by Gracia's side. Out of habit, as soon as she lay her eyes on him, she cast them away. It was something she'd done a hundred times before with her father, and Riza resented herself for it. She'd promised herself she'd be better. Roy is not your father. Stop avoiding him. It was a hard habit to break. She needed to sort her shit out. Glancing back at her husband she noted the pained look on his face…
Elicia first. She needed Riza right now, and so did Gracia. Removing her from her mother for the moment would give Gracia time to grieve properly and let everything out without the fear of upsetting Elicia further.
"But… If I go Mummy will be all alone."
"Uncle Roy will look after her, don't worry," Riza smiled, "booping" her snotty nose again. "Ew," Riza joked. "Bogeys!" she cried in horror, wiping her "dirty" hand on her dress, making Mia and Elicia laugh beside her. "Let's get you cleaned up, okay?"
"But…" Elicia bit her lip. "What if I get bogeys on your dress?" she asked.
"Oh, that's okay," Riza reassured her. "It's already got Mia's bogeys all over it."
Elicia giggled and looked down at Mia. "You wiped bogeys on Auntie Riza's dress?"
"I did," Mia giggled at her admittance.
Riza sighed, playing along with the two girls. "See, now it doesn't matter. I'll be the Bogeyman before I know it, thanks to you two!"
With the two girls giggling, Riza left her husband and her old friend by Maes' grave. Mia walked right by Riza's side, trying to find new ways to make her upset friend laugh and cheer her up.
"You know," Roy overheard Riza begin as she walked away with Elicia and Mia. "I grew up without a Daddy too." Roy had opened his mouth to comfort his friend, but he paused after overhearing his wife.
"Really?" Elicia asked in wonder.
"Yep, really."
"Granddad isn't alive anymore," Mia chipped in.
"Just like my Daddy?" Roy blanched and caught Gracia twitch out the corner of his eye.
"Yes, just like your Daddy," Riza replied softly.
Roy watched her back, noticing how she didn't even skip a beat with Elicia. He would have probably tripped with how casually she'd asked that question, but Riza breezed ahead, telling the child the truth, no matter how hard that might be.
"Riza does understand, so don't think she doesn't," Chris' words echoed inside his head. "She's lost almost every family member she's ever had, and it happened when she was only a child. Then, she lost you for a while after finding out she was pregnant. Don't think for a minute she doesn't understand loss or what you're going through. She's the most qualified out of all of us when dealing with loss."
She was so much stronger than he was with this, but it didn't mean she wasn't hurting. And Roy had thrown that in her face.
"But," Mia chimed in. "It doesn't mean they're gone forever."
Roy paused again, his head turning to watch his wife and child walk down the hill towards the cemetery gates. His car was parked at the front, but… Come to think of it, he had no idea how Riza had even gotten here today. Roy had left early as he was part of the military procession. He'd been so focussed on Maes' funeral he hadn't even considered how his wife was going to get to the cemetery.
He felt awful. So awful. "We need to be better," Riza had said. He needed to be. He was neglecting them both. He knew this already, but it suddenly hit him like a tonne of bricks.
"Mummy says that as long as I remember someone who's gone, they're never really gone from my life."
"I like that," Elicia whispered. "I like that a lot."
It was the last part of the conversation that Roy heard because they were fading out, moving out of earshot.
When… When had Riza went through all of this with Mia? Come to think of it, he'd never told Mia. Never even thought about bringing it up. If he had remembered, he would have held back and not said anything before checking with Riza first. It was a dark time for her, so it wasn't his story to tell. It hadn't even occurred to Roy.
Shit.
Just get through today then make up for your mistakes.
"Hello, Roy," Gracia greeted quietly. She attempted a smile, but it crumpled as his old friend pressed her hands against her face.
"Come here," he urged, wrapping his arms around Gracia's shoulders. The two held each other tightly, mourning the loss of the person they loved. He didn't know how long it had been, but it was what he needed. Comforting Gracia brought him closer to the man he'd thought of as a brother, and of course, they'd both promised each other that if anything were to happen to them, they'd look after the other's families without question. It was time for Roy to step up, but also not forget about his own family because he'd been doing that a lot recently in his grief. Riza was the one who'd been doing all the heavy lifting recently, and he was long overdue to carry his own weight in this family.
Laughter floated up to them both and at the same time they turned their heads towards it, seeing Elicia and Mia playing by a tree at the entrance to the cemetery. Riza was walking towards them up the hill, hands in her jacket pockets, and her eyes cast down. Roy's chest tightened at the sight of her. He'd noticed she was avoiding his gaze whenever they spoke. She was putting those walls up again and he needed to fix it.
"She will blame herself for this – the way you acted and what happened as a result of it. I know Riza, and she will. Don't let her. It will destroy her, and you both, in the long run. Make good on that promise and look out for her, instead of blaming her for not understanding what you're going through."
"I'm going to take the girl's back to our house," she stated, again, speaking directly to Gracia. "Mia has some new dolls that Elicia is very excited to see, if you wouldn't mind? I think it might cheer her up a little."
Gracia shook her head. "Not at all," she whispered.
"Take all the time you need," Riza offered with a kind smile.
"Riza –" Roy called to her as she turned away without another word.
"Mummy! Help!" Mia called from down the hill. Riza had stopped at his call, but continued hurriedly, as Mia ran up towards her. "Elicia is trying to catch me!" she added, a giggle leaving his daughter as Elicia's little legs struggled to run up the hill.
Catching Mia in her arms, Riza hoisted her daughter into them, walking towards the cemetery gates with Elicia in tow. Once there, she put Mia down and walked with them both, arms swinging between them.
"What happened, Roy?" Gracia asked, looking up at him.
"What?" he asked, confused.
"Between you and Riza?"
"Nothing, we –"
Gracia shook her head. "I noticed the cut on her forehead. You two are distant with each other and she looks upset. What happened?"
"Nothing," he dismissed. "Anyway, this isn't why we're here –"
"No, but Maes wouldn't want this for you."
"Want what?" he asked, letting his irritation show in his voice.
"For you two to suffer because of his death." Gracia looked away from him, turning her attention to the mound of freshly packed dirt. "I've seen how you've reacted to his death. Roy, you need to calm down. Don't do anything drastic."
"I'm not going to," he replied with more force than he should have. Why did everyone think that?
Because they know you and have spoken to you in the last week. They're not blind, and deep down, you know you will too, to get revenge.
Gracia looked up at him sadly. "Maes wouldn't want the same fate for you," she replied. Taking a deep breath, Gracia let it all out in one go. "Don't go out and get revenge," she added firmly. "Focus on your family."
"Gracia… I can't just let this go," he whispered, finally letting his emotions loose.
"I'm not asking you to, and she won't either," Gracia replied, jerking her head towards the gates. "She would never, but this is affecting you both. You need to talk it through with Riza."
He'd tried…
In a flash in his mind, he remembered their conversation the night they'd returned from the hospital. He remembered the panic in Riza's voice when she asked him not to follow through with it. She'd struggled to find the words quickly, obviously worried he'd explode at her again like he'd done before. He'd been irritated again, but didn't want to argue with her, so blocked it out for a moment, counting to ten before letting himself concentrate on the conversation once more. When he'd calmed himself down, he noticed she'd turned her back to him, curled in on herself.
He'd caused that. He'd done that to her.
"It's selfish of me to ask this of you because I know how much Maes meant to you." That didn't sit well with him, but he'd been tired at the time and noticed how tired Riza was too. He'd dismissed their conversation, telling her to get some rest instead of pushing through with it further. He just didn't want another argument.
But it hadn't been selfish. It was a woman worrying about her husband, and rightly so. He'd been on the warpath and had set out in a fit of rage to find out more about what had happened to Maes. He could have ended up dead yesterday if he'd managed to progress in the case of his murder.
Riza was simply looking out for him, just like she'd promised she would. Her request was more than fair.
They were a mess. He was a mess.
"We've already buried someone, Roy," she whispered, breaking into Roy's thoughts. her voice cracking. "Don't make us do it again."