Author's Note:
This is the longest chapter posted of this one so far,
And it is ALL for you, fans. All for you.
ENJOY!
bobbiejelly
PREVIOUSLY ON "FALLING APART, BARELY BREATHING":
Meredith lets her voice trail off completely now, as she lets it all sink in what she's saying...
(About WHOM she's saying these things, she thinks to herself. About her mystery lover still, but mostly not. Mostly, she's thinking about ADDISON...)
(Could she be just Addison's friend if Addison doesn't or didn't like her back that way?)
(Could she even stand it? Being that emotionally intimate with her and then not being able to touch them in more than a friendly way? Not being able to kiss her like she wanted to-)
(Would my love be enough to be enough for me if she only lets me have her like that, rather than nothing at all? Would I stay or go? Would I walk away? Would I leave her?)
(As more than a friend, but less than anything else… If it were Addison, would I ever walk away? Or would I stay? If I were only ever going to be second-best to her)
(How long would I stay by her side and then not let go?)
END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.
Falling Apart, Barely Breathing
In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it. MerAdd. Meddison. Set during "Bring the Pain" GA. An Addison Montgomery/Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy Fanfiction. Written by me, bobbiejelly
Chapter 23: What a Difference a Day Makes
"You never know the biggest day of your life is going to be the biggest. The days you think are going to be big ones, they are never as big as you make them out to be in your head. It's the regular days, the ones that start out normal. Those are the days that end up being the biggest…." - Izzie Stevens, in her voiceover voice.
During the operation on the Teratoma patient, John, Addison is enjoying her company.
She's enjoying the simple banter with the boys, Alex Karev and George O'Malley.
Much more than she might have otherwise expected to enjoy their company, that is (them being only her interns.)
But she enjoys how they all get along. And how they let her get along with them, with them.
And Addison is grateful, more than anything, that each of them has such a supportive group of friends at their side.
And she's grateful they have each other's backs, even if they're also competing against each other.
And she's grateful they're dating each other rather than dating people like Derek or Burke all over again.
And she's grateful they're letting her into their lives. She feels like she's slightly at least, a part of their quirky little world. And it's something she's strangely proud of.
More proud at least than of being a part of the Seattle Grace Attending Physician's club at times.
God, even Bailey didn't have that cross to bear, her being only a resident. (Not that anyone treated her like "only a resident"- or had in a very long time.)
So she tries to keep a good distance, to maintain a good line with them, to be a good teacher (not a FRIEND-FRIEND like they were.)
And to be a good mentor, just a mentor who could relate to their antics and empathize with their conflicts.
And it was a good place for a line. At least, it had been. Before the subject of women.
When Alex had brought up the topic of women, Addison's first instinct was to tell him to shut up about all that in HER O.R.
But they were asking innocently enough- at least by Addison's messed up standards as of late.
(Innocently enough being innocently asking her not in a way that they thought that she was crushing on someone, and crushing on that special someone quite hard, at that.)
(Innocently enough being innocently asking her about her nights and days and the way that she dresses just to ask for a girl's perspective, and not to reveal anything.)
So she lets them keep asking her things, and she asks them things too.
They ask her about her celebrity crushes, and she says that she's had some for Emma Watson and Jennifer Lawrence (like literally everyone else!)
And they agree with her about both of those, as they go on to weigh the pros and cons of all of the Kardashians.
And then THAT's how they got on the subject of fashion.
And then THAT's how they started to ask her about her clothing choices.
And then THAT's how the started to ask her about if she liked to wear scarves.
(Addison does; partially out of the style and also partially about the fact that they covered the hickeys that she enjoyed having her lovers put on her in bed.)
(Not that that had been a particular problem of hers, as of late…)
(But still, not like she was going to give George and Alex the kind of satisfaction that an answer like THAT would elicit. Ugh. Men.)
"Yes, I like to wear scarves sometimes," Addison says noncommittally.
"You like them or you like that they cover the bite marks?" Alex Karev shrugs at her with a shit-eating grin.
Addison only scoffs in annoyance (because he's so RIGHT about that part as well…)
And then George asks some seemingly more wholesome type questions about the color and the fabric of the scarves that she wears.
He plays it off as if he's just asking her because his Mother, Louise O'Malley is super-super into scarves (and she IS, but that's not why George is at all asking..)
"Yes I like scarves in a variety of colors," Addison says a bit shortly.
(Because she's now thinking back to the idea of Meredith Grey giving her hickeys all over her neck and she's starting to get aroused in the operating room at the thought…)
(God, she REALLY needs to get laid…)
(God, she REALLY needs to get a goddamned divorce so she could get laid as she pleases…)
"Do you like any red scarves?" George asks her with his very best Bambi's eyes.
"Yes, O'Malley, I do in fact. I have one of my favorite red scarves with a green pattern on it. And it looks very nice matching my eyes. And you'd think that the color would mesh together like christmas but it truly is stylish all the same."
And THAT seems to satisfy both of the boys because they say thank you as they shut up so she can operate.
And this is one of those other instances she might later have wished she'd had looked up.
Because if she HAD looked up at either or both of the boys at that moment, then she would have potentially noticed the way that they were looking at each other all knowingly.
Because the description of the scarf Addison has matches exactly with the description of the scarf that some mysterious person had been sneaking around their house wearing not at all long ago.
The hot girl they thought they'd imagined they'd seen when they were snooping from the small window from out of the attic.
The one that was so freaking small that Addison would not have known they were home, as she had spied at all the other windows when she'd gone and hid Meredith's key back under the doormat but hadn't known about THAT one.
But the realization didn't do much more for the boys than to turn them on at the thought.
Because they didn't know about the 'mystery man', they didn't know about the mystery note. And they didn't know about the mutual obsession between Addison Montgomery and Meredith Grey.
SO, all they got to think to themselves was how they were certainly going to talk to each other later about how their hot Doctor Boss lady was the one sneaking around outside of their house in a really cool and really hot red and green scarf.
"So what's your type? Alex asks her with a jeer.
As he's already gotten a bit of an imagery of Addison he can't help himself but ask for more details.
Sure he had O'Malley but that didn't mean that either of them would pass up an opportunity to fantasize about more girl-on-girl.
"Well, what's YOUR type then?" Addison asks trying desperately to change the subject.
"Well, I guess I could go for some fiery redheads if you ever want to wing back to my side" Alex gives him a look that looks so SHOCKINGLY like Mark Sloan the way he smirks and it makes Addison sort of giggle uncontrollably.
"I'm sorry you just remind me of someone that I know" Addison laughs.
"Did you DO that person that you know?" Alex asks her in a tease.
He didn't expect the answer to be yes, but the way that Addison flushes, totally embarrassed h=gives him all the answers that he needs.
"So was he GOOD," Alex asks her in another jeer.
He's not seriously trying to get into his boss's pants.
He's more trying to get George O'Malley to keep giving him that jealous and scathing look that overtakes his Bambi eyes with something much more possessive.
"Enough stop bothering Doctor Montgomery" George O'Malley saves her from answering.
"Thank you, O'Malley," Addison says to him sincerely.
And George just tries to nudge Alex Karev with a gentle shove before Addison threatens to separate the two of them on opposite sides of the O.R table if they can't get it together and behave,
The minute the surgery is finished, the boys run off somewhere to fuck.
So Addison is wandering the halls absently, vaguely hungry but still on-call till eight.
So eventually she wanders to her office, hoping she still has some snacks there but then finding she has none again.
(Damn interns making me all flustered to the point that I binge snacks.) Addison thinks to herself in a huff, on the way to find the vending machine to indulge in some salty and sugary forms of nourishment.
As Izzie, Cristina, Meredith, Burke, Webber, Derek finish up THEIR surgery together, Izzie and Cristina predictably go to spend some alone time together as well.
They cuddle up in an on-call room and make out slow and steady, tasting each other like this for the first time. They don't want to rush things too fast too soon.
So they just let themselves kiss and kiss and nothing more. And as Izzie kisses Cristina softly she thinks it's a wonder she ever thought that 'doctor model' was an insult after all.
Burke and Webber and Derek all head to Webber's office as they drink a bit and talk about their love problems. Webber pours the drinks and doesn't take any, because he is an alcoholic but allows the others to enjoy it.
Derek talks about losing both Meredith and Addison. And how that was pissing him off that they seemed to be cordial with each other and not hating in the least.
Burke talks about losing both Cristina and his Burke McBaby. Which Cristina was never going to have but that he didn't know that anyhow.
And Webber talks to them about how he still cares for Meredith's mother Ellis Grey, but 'just as a friend' which they sort of buy, as eventually, he remembers to talk about Adele.
Bailey doesn't want any of it, so she heads to the cafeteria to buy herself some dinner and then finally calls her husband.
So Meredith Grey is left wandering the halls completely absently, She's used to having a scattered team of interns around her, or some of them at least.
And even when they weren't there, she's used to having Derek chase her, or doctors paging her and 'mystery lover' mysteries to solve.
But the halls are strangely empty, not even Nurse Olivia is in sight.
So she eventually turns the corner and she's delighted at the sight of a friendly face.
"So do you need a hand with that again or should I just let you fall to your death and laugh?" Meredith Grey quirks at the redhead attending who's cursing at the vending machine while it refuses to swallow her quarter.
"Goddammit, why won't you give me what I WANT, you damn machine" Addison yells at it rather idly, because she doesn't like to yell at people but she yells when she's upset.
"Careful it might start to hold a grudge against you" Meredith grins with a little bit of a smirk.
"Meredith" Addison turns rather breathlessly, but she's careful not to tumble into thin air this time.
"Well, at least you're still well on your feet this time" Meredith teases Addison playfully.
"Yes, well, it seems as though I'm securing better footing, now, these days," Addison says rather thoughtfully as if she hasn't been thinking about it that much before.
"Well it's good to see you upright," Meredith says, though I don't know how much longer I can keep standing after all of that O.R time," Meredith says sweetly.
"You still call Grey?" Addison says, not trusting herself not to stutter if she says "Meredith" again.
"Yup, I get off at the same time as you" Meredith smirks at her in a sort of knowing way to see if Addison's breath will catch at that not-really-even-that-clever innuendo.
"Hah, Grey, yes it appears we do have the same shift" Addison recovers rather smoothly and this only serves to make Addison seem all that more mythical to Meredith.
"What do you say we split those sodas and our snacks together, now," Meredith says with big blue eyes.
"Come ON, Addison, you promised that we would, earlier" she whines playfully.
"Yeah, I guess I sort of did, didn't I" Addison smiles at her really big.
Addison hands Meredith the quarters, as Meredith brushes her fingers on purpose all over Addison's palm as she takes them painstakingly slowly, one by one, by one by one.
And then she turns to feed the quarters into the machine before it spits out two bags of Cheetos, some milk chocolate and skittles.
"Seriously, sugar much?" Addison questions all her purchases.
"Come on you gotta TASTE THE RAINBOW, Addison, god you just came out have a little pride!" Meredith beams at her and she can't help but let the pride and acceptance swell inside her chest.
"Alright then let ME get the sodas this time then" as Addison manages to successfully feed the dollar bills into the bill acceptor at the like seventh time that she rearranges it.
(Meredith has to squelch an overwhelming desire to press her whole body up into Addison's as she struggles like that to feel the heat of all her body by her own.)
"Well, we better get straws so we can suck on all our doctor's" Meredith smirks and turns before Addison can admonish her for that. But truth be had it the straw dispenser only had one straw anyhow. And when Addison reached into the soda machine, she found that they'd only managed to get one of the two sodas for between them.
"It's ok, I don't like to share usually, but I guess I'll share with YOU" Meredith laces with some subtext that Addison has to try to not get all her hopes up about hearing.
Meredith has the instinct to take Addison by the hand to lead her away to somewhere more comfortable. But she checks herself before she does and instead points in that direction, keeping her hands to herself and on the snacks.
"We should probably check on the patient when he wakes up," Addison says. "The one that is no longer pregnant, and no longer has a teratoma" she clarifies.
"You know, you're a pretty amazing surgeon" Meredith blurts out, smiling wide at Addison before she could contain herself.
"Thank you, Grey," Addison says to her with a smile. And she tries so, so hard not to mean it in her mind as something more.
"Hey, maybe we can hang out in that on-call room" Meredith gestures.
But they are met with a firm "GET OUT" from a couple making out so they rush off to find another.
But their luck does not improve as they start to open the door to the NEXT on-call room where they're met with moans and pants and then some banging against the back of the door.
So they don't open that one, obviously as they search for an on-call room that's not being currently… occupied but after they've scoured the whole hospital they resign themselves to the nearest supply closet then instead.
"Well at least they have these blankets," Meredith says in a bit of a heap as she takes one down off the top shelf.
And Addison could have come to help her, seeing as she's taller and she has more reach than the smaller intern.
But she's secretly allowing herself to catch a glance at Meredith's midriff as she stretches out both of her arms up over her head.
And then she tries to grab onto the nearest… something because she's suddenly not so steady on her feet all over again.
"Careful" Meredith steadies her, but to Addison's disappointment, Meredith doesn't wrap her arms all around her this time.
But the contact still feels like fire, even more now than just the last time. And so Meredith secretly squishes herself a bit closer and closer to Addison until she's practically in the same airspace as she reaches for another set of blankets.
"We want one to be our pillow, one to sit on and one for our legs" Meredith shrugs as she justifies a reason to have her body this close to Addison's.
And Addison lets out an involuntary whine when Meredith finally moves away and moves to sit against the free wall and extend her legs out and wiggle her toes at her.
"Well, come, sit" Meredith pats the spot right next to her, and Addison considers whether or not this is a good idea.
"Well we're sharing one soda anyhow and if we sit apart we'll spill," she says.
So Addison does go to sit next to Meredith and Meredith scooches so they're touching again.
And Addison doesn't move away at all so their shoulders are parallel and flush to each other.
"HEYYYY" Meredith steals the pack of junior caramels from Addison because she's insisting that Addison is hogging them from her.
"Well YOU ate all the skittles practically I only got like seven" Addison smirks back at her in feigned annoyance.
"Well, at least I gave you one of every COLOR," Meredith says generously.
"Or else how else would you know which ones you liked the taste of more?" she quirks.
"Well I've had skittles BEFORE you know, Grey" Addison still calls her by her last name because it's shorter and well, she thinks that she might die if Meredith calls her "Addison."
"Well I didn't know that about you, Montgomery because you didn't like Cheetos before like now and now you do so maybe your tastes changed," Meredith says with a pointed look.
"Well I guess that you win that one, Grey" Addison huffs and she feels warm when she hears Meredith tease her with her last name.
"Want some soda, now, Montgomery" Meredith is milking this last-name thing for all it's worth.
"Mm, I'm getting thirsty" Addison says in a lower voice than she intends to and her own eyes darken at the thought.
Meredith just watches in fascination as Addison's lips latch around the straw and she sucks in a big mouthful of Doctor Pepper before swallowing it slowly through her long and elegant throat.
"Mm," Addison moans involuntarily before realizing where she did.
And Addison reddens at her own reaction and Meredith just teases her saying she ' didn't know the Doctor could even taste so good on her tongue'.
(Oh, GOD, did Meredith just go THERE! Addison thinks to herself in a flushed hum)
"It's good you should have some" Addison passes her the bottle because she doesn't trust herself with the sweetness anymore.
Only Meredith makes a sort of similar show of looking Addison in the eye as she tugs her bottom lip to the straw as she sucks it all in.
And just the thought that Addison's just had her lips were Meredith's mouth is now making Meredith flush herself all hot and wanting.
God, they need to turn the heat down in this closet because you'd think they'd all be boiling.
"Wanna have one of the last Caramels?" Meredith says to Addison with a tease.
At Addison's 'sure' Meredith, she FEEDS IT TO HER, allowing her fingers to reach slightly into Addison's mouth as she attaches her lips to it, and thus to Meredith's fingers.
And the feeling of Addison's mouth all over her hands now is driving Meredith completely wild; she has to take a few deep breaths before finishing turning away and the rest of the caramels herself without offering any more to Addison.
With all the food and soda gone now, the sexual tension was growing stronger and stronger.
They no longer had a distraction from looking at each other and feeling the way each other's bodies moved against each other.
Sure, it was only a brush of the shoulder here and a touch of the elbow there.
But it was enough to make them both glad they were wearing thick scrubs and panties and that they had a blanket over their legs right now, so the other wouldn't see just how turned on and wet they were both becoming.
Addison shifts a bit nervously and uncomfortably at the throbbing between her thighs and this reaction is not unnoticed then by Meredith who bites the side of her lip in agony.
And thy might have stayed in that tantalizing situation all day long, just touching 'platonically' and teasing each other.
And Addison wrapping her finger around one of Meredith's hair curls.
And Meredith examines Addison's necklace just for an excuse to stare right at her chest.
But all good things must come to an end, and in a life-saving yet also soul-crushing encounter where the two are staring into each other's eyes as if they were daring the other to lean right on in and to close the gap between them...
Well, both of their pagers go off at once, and Meredith swears a loud "fuck" at the interruption, and Addison tries so hard not to ignore it in a huff.
But they do obey their pagers and they're on their feet in a second, leaving the blankets tucked on the floor and putting the snack wrappers in the recycling.
"So this is really good news, he is AWAKE!" Addison tries to sound as positive as she can while trying not to sound disappointed she didn't end up making out with the hot intern.
"Yeah, it's good. I mean he was so good to us, about everything" Meredith says genuinely.
(Oh, Meredith, you really have no idea just how damn good he has been to 'US' Addison thinks…)
"DOCTOR BOSS AND LOLLIPOP LADY!" The patient John exclaims in happiness.
"Look who's no longer 'with child' now" Meredith grins at him without surprise.
"Yes, well I am no longer carrying a twenty-pound weight, lucky me," John says.
"And I'm John by the way if I didn't introduce myself." "Meredith" Meredith answers.
"But I mean I think it's cute if you wanna keep calling me 'lollipop lady' Meredith grins.
(She smiles at him sweetly in a doe-eyed look that must have fooled my husband… Addison thinks with a slight annoyance. But she's clearly working her charm on him so that every time he talks about her all I can think of is how her mouth moved on that sucker…)
And then the patient must have read Addison's mind because he was pointing to the tub of lollipops and motioning for Meredith to grab them.
"Well I think we can all use a little indulgence can't we, I haven't been allowed to eat well in days!" The patient says.
So he nods at Addison to reach them (because I'm closer to the shelf Addison thinks?)
Only this time she can see out of the corner of her eye it's Meredith's turn to cast a longing look at Addison's ass,
The patient never misses a beat before he pulls out the cherry one to offer to Meredith.
"You remembered," Meredith says sweetly, genuinely happy someone did that for her.
"You, Doctor Boss can have the strawberry or vanilla" he offers the remaining ones to me.
"Hmm, I guess I'll have vanilla…" Addison says as she tries incredibly hard not to imagine what the combination of cherry and vanilla and Meredith Grey's lips might taste like.
"Well that sounds good I'll have the lemon-lime" he steals one from the bottom.
And now that everyone's unwrapping their suckers with their fingernails, the patient comments as if off the top of his head that "Doctor Boss sure must have some marvelous fingers" as Meredith tries to say "she does" without sounding WAY too lustily about the topic.
And with candy in our mouths now the sounds of tongues over the sweet suckers and the taste of the sweetness and flavors mixed with the involuntary moans coming out of Addison's mouth and the ones that Meredith is letting out now on purpose…
Well, all that is to say that it's a damn good thing that John the patient keeps the conversation going with them both because they'd have a hard time getting a syllable out at all edgewise without his short specific questions.
Off John the patient's gentle questioning, Meredith ends up sharing the story of her childhood when she rode on the carousel at the fair with her mother Ellis Grey.
And Addison ends up sharing the story she fell off her bike and almost broke her wrist before her brother Archer carried her all the way home to their house after.
John says that they seem to have very happy families and to this, they end up looking at each other and saying something along the lines of "you have no idea" in tandem.
(And it pulls at Addison's heartstrings because Meredith is clearly experiencing all of this for the first time, while SHE is remembering how Meredith and she talked.)
(They'd talked that night when she went to Joe's bar to tell her Derek wasn't coming and then the first subject they both shared other than the 'we dated Derek and now life sucks club' was about how they both had difficult mothers.)
(And Addison remembers how they'd joked about Addison having many, many names and how Meredith had found this insanely funny after many shots of tequila.)
Meredith can see that Addison is somewhere far, far away in her thoughts now.
So she waves her own lollipop in front of Addison's face and calls her "Addie" softly to bring her back.
The sweet sweet smell of Meredith's cherry pop - A smell she'd experienced once before during the last time they'd been in this room licking lollipops together -
It was starting to drive Addison wild but her nickname made her snap out of it as she tried to rejoin the conversation without too many hesitations.
"So what's up about your love lives, you go first Miss Lollipop Girl" John the patient asks Meredith directly, and he smiles and nods welcomingly at Addison who shoots him a rather vulnerable and terrified look.
"Addison - Doctor Montgomery!" Meredith tries to take her out of her glazed eyes.
"You bellowed, Doctor Grey" Addison huffs out in a reactionary slight of wince.
"Hi," Meredith says then with a bit of a giggle. She wanted to lighten the mood.
"You certainly are, aren't you.." Addison responded as if that type of response seemed to make any type of sense at all. Not. Like that was not a coherent sentence at all.
"But you're not pregnant," Addison concluded with a grin to show she could joke too. "And you're not even fake-pregnant like our John-guy-here" she softens at his smile.
"No." Meredith paused before asking Addison what she really cared to ask her now.
"Are you okay?" Meredith asks Addison as she sees that Addison looks suddenly scared, even more, scared than she remembers ever seeing her before.
(And the way that Meredith asks her all so tenderly makes Addison remember when Meredith had taken off her purse and things and offered her the barstool…)
"Fine." she paused a beat "How are you?" Addison tries not to snap for no reason.
"I'm trying to choose between two people..." Meredith started before Addison cut her off.
"Well, okay, good luck with that." she huffs out as she stands up abruptly, heading towards the door.
(Addison doesn't want to hear about Meredith pining over Derek… because she's married to him still… She tries to lie to herself at least.)
(Scratch that. She doesn't want to hear about Meredith pining over anyone that isn't HER.)
(Shoot. What if she's pining over the mystery lover but she doesn't know it's Me. Fuck. What if I give it all away or John gives it all away I'm screwed I'm screwed….)
Meredith's voice stopped her as she reached the door jam and she stopped her in her tracks.
"How did you know Derek was the one?" Meredith asks about him simply.
Addison spun back around on her high heels in alarm. She hadn't been expecting THAT one from Meredith after they'd almost been dare she say flirting all day.
"Excuse me?" Addison stammers out before Meredith could interrupt her.
"I know you hated me and all, and you don't owe me anything… nothing.. no thing.. what was I saying?" Meredith's stammering too and Addison doesn't know how to take that.
Addison rolled her eyes. A bit at that one, because she really DOES NOT HATE HER. SHE DOES NOT HATE HER AT ALL...
(And maybe she never really hated her at all. I mean she didn't KNOW about Derek and her, meeting his secret estranged wife must surely have been a shock…)
"Derek." Meredith snaps her right back into focus as Addison takes a deep breath in.
"Oh right" Meredith said, pausing. "I would know if he was the one right? I mean you knew, right?" Meredith is asking because she wants to know if Addison will ever think that maybemaybemaybe that she could be Addison's new ONE, someday.
"I didn't know.." Addison fumbled for her words "Derek's the kind of guy... I just knew he wouldn't hurt me. Not on purpose anyway. Not the way I hurt him." Addison concludes.
"He hurt me, you know when he chose you," Meredith says in all her seriousness.
Meredith looked down at her hands until Addison started speaking, speaking really frankly and openly to Meredith about Derek for the first time since that bar night.
"I should have let him go, I should have stepped aside, been a better person… I should have done a lot of things." Addison stammers and she's not so sure she can speak.
"Me too." Meredith agrees "A lot of things." Meredith tries to articulate her meaning.
"I don't hate you," Addison says after a long and weighted pause.
(And it's the closest thing she can bring herself to Meredith that won't make her voice break.)
(It's the closest thing she can say to the 'I'm sorry' that Meredith has already given her.)
(It's the closest thing she can bring herself to say that's not 'be my best friend or EVEN MORE.)
(It's the closest thing she can say that's not a 'pick me choose me love me')
(It's the closest thing she's said so far to acknowledge all her feelings towards Meredith.)
"How come we've never talked like this before?" Meredith asked simply in the most innocent of tones. And John the patient shoots Addison a sympathetic look as she looks down at the floor, dropping Meredith's gaze for a second and sighs to herself.
("The only reason YOU THINK we're talking like this now for the very FIRST TIME is that I know you didn't remember any of it from that night at Joe's once the alcohol had worn off.")
(Addison thinks every single word of that sentence in her head but she doesn't move to say it all out loud. It's still too painful. She sees Meredith's cards out on the table now.)
(She's even opened up to her about Derek, even more now than the last time.)
(But she's so scared of Meredith's tender voice, the one that always makes Addison's heart throb a bit like when she apologizes or asks if she's okay.)
(And the weight of all of this makes her not being able to do anything more than shrug at Meredith now. Hoping that somehow she'd catch on she didn't want to talk about it.)
Meredith nodded at Addison's clearly conflicted expression.
She decided not to push as Addison had clearly opened up to her more about Derek and about her life than she really ever had before.
And so instead she looks into the reassuring eyes of John the patient who smiles up at the "lollipop girl" and wishes her good luck and says that he hopes her true love is only just around the corner.
Meredith leans in to give the patient a hug now. And as Meredith does, Addison smiles down at John as well.
And Addison almost jumps out of her skin when John gives her what can only be described as a "knowing wink" if there ever was one.
As if he were saying to her "you got a chance you know. You get your girl you know. She's a keeper Meredith Grey, she is, you know. You tell her everything, you tell her, now go..."
And Addison is still paralyzed in her place as Meredith ends the hug with John the patient.
And John the patient asks for a bit of quiet so he can sleep and suggests that those two might try to do the same if they planned on doing anything at all that evening.
And Meredith says they're still planning to go to Joe's and she nods up at Addison so that she knows that she's still offering the invitation for Addison to join her friends.
And Addison nods and smiles so Meredith knows she'll join her and they both laugh when John offers them more lollipops for the road.
"No, no you keep them," Meredith says to him. "They belong in this room anyway," she says. "And I want this room to be special. Because YOU make it special and I don't want us to be eating hospital lollops without you to hang out with" Meredith grins.
And it's the perfect thing to say because it makes all of them sigh in friendship. And it makes Addison sigh of relief because she won't be tortured by x-rated-imagery of Meredith Grey's tongue before the next surgery at least.
(She's not so sure she could handle that and she doesn't want to jump Meredith… yet. Meaning not while she's still married legally to Derek, at least for now. For her sake.)
(And Meredith sighs in relief for that very very same reason. Because she doesn't want to make Addison be a cheater behind Derek's back. She wasn't going to be like Mark to her.)
So after the lollipop debate is settled they leave John the patient alone to sleep.
And they thank him once again, for all his fun and all these games.
And all John says to them in return is "thank you for saving my life - all of you and for allowing me to be a part of it. It's an honor to see who you were those days ago to turn into who you are today, and to imagine just how extraordinary that you will all become."
After that near-tearful speech, Meredith and Addison wander a bit around the hospital again. They get some water, freshen up, but still stay by each other's sides.
They have a few hours left to go on their on-call time and they are tired.
But they don't want to risk seeing anyone almost naked again so they stumble back.
For a while, they enjoy the search as if they're really just enjoying running through the halls like Meredith remembers doing when she was a child growing up here.
Meredith tells some of these stories to Addison now, about how she had a doll called 'anatomy jane' who had all these little plastic removable body parts.
And Addison tells her about the times she and Archer would have ice cream and how he had always been her best friend to him then growing up.
And then sometime eventually Meredith asks what Addison's middle name is. And when she says her full name "Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery-Used-To-Be-Shepherd-"
Then her heart clenches tighter as Meredith has the exact same reaction that Meredith did that drunken night at the bar when she'd said:
"Jesus Addison if I had a name that was that long I swear I'd be jumping for joy if I were losing the one at the end of it" Meredith exclaims before she can think better of saying something as absurd as what she just did say.
And the reaction is so freaking' similar that Addison lets a howl and she searches for a sign of recognition in Meredith's eyes to see if that might bring up a memory but it doesn't.
And so she tries to stop worrying about all that for now as they tear through the hospital playing a short game of hide and seek before finally realizing there are no more good places to hide.
So they stumble back into the same supply closet and someone makes a lame joke about how they're going to be coming out of the closet a whole lot of times yet today.
This little closet they tiredly call their new 'home' as if they lived on some storage-closet deserted island with only themselves shut away for the world. And that they like it that way.
And they reach for the same blankets that they'd had before - before Addison pulls some more down from the shelf.
And this ends up starting an impromptu mock pillow fight before eventually, Addison backs down because Meredith Grey is kicking her ass so hard at this task.
"How have you never gotten good at that at a sleepover?" Meredith grins to her.
And Addison just says that she and her best friend Naomi mostly took art classes to hang out for fun.
And it's sweet of her when Meredith asks if she misses Naomi, and Addison says that she does.
And as Addison thinks about that, she realizes that this is the first time she's thought about her best friend Naomi in a while.
She thinks she should call her, and she really really should.
But the thought is giving Addison pause because for the first time in forever Addison is not pining for her old life in New York back.
She's not thinking she wished that she'd stayed or that she'd gone back there or that she was about to leave.
Thinking about all of the interns, and yes the attendings and Bailey and especially Meredith, Addison thinks that she's settling now.
She's settling a part of her life in Seattle. And she had never, not for one second ever expected she would be thinking that.
And Addison is thinking that what's even wilder is that she's thinking that maybe all of this was finally worth it.
She'd hated herself for a long time because of what happened with Mark Sloan.
She'd hated herself for not being enough for Derek Shepherd to care about her.
She'd hated herself for these feelings about women she'd been trying to repress for so long.
And now that a few of those things like the last two are generally seeming to resolve themselves, Addison wonders if it was all worth it in the end.
Worth it enough to be getting a divorce from her husband who she still secretly thought loved a man.
Worth it enough to be ending a relationship where neither of them had been happy for so long.
Worth it enough that she's smiling in the company of an unlikely intern.
And eventually, they find themselves sitting again, sitting against the firm wall of the supply closet the same way they were tucked in today, and before that in the bathroom at Joe's.
And that Meredith is smiling right back at her now. That ten-thousand-watt smile they each had been starting to have around each other.
And the one that Meredith is thinking about when she gets to hang out with Addison.
And Meredith thinks that maybe this is for the best and that she could be best friends with Addison.
Meredith thinks that she sure has a physical attraction to Addison but they seem to be controlling themselves fine about it even now.
And then Meredith laughs at the thought that they're all hot and sweaty now in this supply closet and yet nothing past anything G-rated has happened at all here or otherwise.
And then Meredith thinks of the list of why she likes Addison better than Derek.
She's so much kinder and smarter and so much nicer than Derek.
She always gives people a choice and she doesn't think that she's better than them.
She always hangs out with interns and treats them as equals even when she has to tell them off.
She stood up for Meredith when she could have blamed her for all of it and never said a good thing.
She let Meredith start on her service and even made it bug Derek a little bit.
She thinks about how she hasn't told many people about her kinda sick mother, but that she'd almost be willing to share that part of her life with Addison.
She thinks of how Marie-Cerone was her mother's best friend and once lover.
And how those two still lit up for each other, every single time that they called.
And she thinks quietly to herself how she and Addison could light up for each other if she had her number to call...
Addison and Meredith then don't say anything for a while just thinking alone happily, mutually in their happy thoughts.
And then out of the quiet and out of the dark, Meredith turns to Addison and says something nice to her suddenly:
Meredith says to her 'this has been one of the best days I've had in so long."
And Addison agrees that "it really, really has. And what a difference a day makes when the good days seem to be hard to come by but the bad ones can follow us around like the rain."
And Meredith nods at her and tries to convey without speaking what she's trying to say.
She's trying to say without saying it "Addison you're the reason my day's so great"
She wants to say that to her, but at the same time, she doesn't.
For the same reason, she's promised herself all before; she's not being a homewrecker, not anymore.
And Addison wants to say then that to Meredith too. She wants to tell Meredith "this day's been all you."
But of course, she can't say that, not with all the 'mystery person secrets' between them at least.
So she just looks into those blue eyes as Meredith looks into her green ones.
And they stare at the bright orbs like they're looking at moonlight.
And it's moonlight they're talking about because sunlight is blinding.
No one can stare right into the sun.
But the moonlight is special because it's not alone it makes its light shine.
The moon glows off of a reflection. It glows off the support of another. And it still shines.
So they stare as if they were starting deeply in the moonlight.
And they hold their gaze longingly until finally, Meredith breaks it first, shiting her eyes down so she can fumble around to get them more covers.
And then Meredith tugs on the blankets and she's placing them on top of hers and Addison's lap now so she's holding them close and she's cuddling in closer.
And they don't try to talk more now. They don't try to say more. They've already said so, so much.
They just enjoy the silence, which seems like it's saying even more than they know.
And it just all feels so warm and so welcoming and the weariness of the day…
The weariness of the day is finally washing all over both of the two surgeons now.
(If I lay here if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world…)
Addison thinks as she leans her head down onto Meredith's shoulder.
And Meredith pulls her in tighter, resting her own head atop of Addison's.
(And Addison says to herself she'll just let herself sit there for a little bit longer.)
(And Meredith says to herself she'll just rest her eyes only for a short moment.)
(And Addison thinks again about what John the patient had said to her about secrets.)
(She tries to think of a clever way to say all that she has to say someday but it's so hard.)
(And then Meredith starts to hum something, and then she starts singing something softly.)
(And Addison thinks she'll just listen for a while, and then bask in the music some more.)
(She hears the sweet, sweet caress of Meredith Grey's beautiful voice as she sings….)
"Turn To Stone" by Ingrid Michaelson
Let's take a better look
beyond a story book
And learn our souls are all we own
before we turn to stone
Let's go to sleep with clearer heads
and hearts too big to fit our beds
And maybe we won't feel so alone
before we turn to stone
And if you wait for someone else's hand,
(If you wait for someone else's hand)
Then you will surely fall down
(If you wait for someone else's hand)
And if you wait for someone else's hand,
(If you wait for someone else)
You'll fall, you'll fall
I know that I am nothing new
There's so much more than me and you
But brother, how we must atone
before we turn to stone
And brother, how we must atone
before we turn to stone
(And as Addison's eyes close as well and she soothes herself softly to sleep…)
(The last thing that Addison thinks she feels Meredith running her fingers through her hair…)
(Is that both Meredith Grey could be a really great singer… and that that song would be a wonderful one to have played at a wedding….)
(And in her so tired she's practically a drunken stupor, Addison thinks of a wedding to Meredith… and that maybe she'd ask her to marry her someday...)
And as Meredith Grey sees that Addison Montgomery has finally fallen asleep,
She can see all the struggle, all the wariness, all the pent up frustration and hurt all just leave her body, leaving only the happiness, the joy, and the empathy left here on her face.
Meredith can see how peaceful and happy she is. And she wishes she could hold onto this moment, forever, with her.
She wishes she could never forget the feeling she's feeling right now, holding Addison Forbes Montgomery as she sleeps the day away, as she is here, safe, and in her arms.
And today was THAT day, but you didn't know it was that day, then. Not at the time, or for a while later... It was beautiful. Perfect. You never know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day, not until it's happening. You don't recognize the biggest day of your life, not until you're right in the middle of it. Or in Addison's case as she's falling asleep.
The day you commit to something or someone. The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soulmate. The day you realize there's not enough time because you wanna live forever. Those are the biggest days. The perfect days. You know, it was a beautiful day." 'It's a beautiful day today' Meredith thinks. SHE's so Beautiful now.
- Izzie Stevens, in her voiceover voice, excerpted from GA Season 5, Episode 22 AND Overall in GA from the beginning, Episode 100. "What a Difference a Day Makes"
(Mostly. Part of it's changed. Because today wasn't a wedding in this story "Falling Apart, Barely Breathing". It wasn't a wedding. But it was a beginning. It IS one… ;)
***** END OF CHAPTER 23
Author's Note: suggested reading, they are different from the last ones.
PLEASE RE-READ: CHAPTER 2 HAS BEEN UPDATED - TO INCLUDE MORE CONTENT.
Sometimes I back-edit Chapters to rule out consistencies, to fix out some typos, and to make it all flow better.
And usually ie doesn't really matter to the story, but the ONE hint that I will give you (albeit a relatively CRYPTIC ONE) is that before reading the next chapter, I advise you to reread Chapter 2: Into You Like A Train, and to see if you can notice the changes that have been made.
Thanks for the reviews of the last few chapters, I am taking your feelings into account.
Shout out to "I'll Feel Better When the Headaches Go Away" by StephIsInsanity for the awesome transcripts of the morphine scene from season 3 of GA, a clear allusion here.
YES there are a LOT of gay parings. Will they ALL be gay pairings? Will they be endgame?
Those are questions I am considering back and forth but can not give you an answer to yet.. :D
Enjoy the next approximately 36-48 hours before the next installment. I do update almost daily now, like clockwork. But if I have enough written and I get enough reviews I MAY POST EARLY!
And I know this chapter is really fluffy and seems like an ending….
But I promise you it's a reward we've all earned together, but it's NOT an ending.
It's still a beginning, as I said. So stay tuned for some more plotlines as we continue the story!
And leave a note please, I LIVE FOR THE COMMENTS !
bobbiejelly
THANK YOU FOR READING ! LEAVE A NOTE, IT WILL MAKE MY DAY 3 3 3