Robin has been home for a month, and it's been comforting and terrifying all at the same time. He's seen and benefited from his mum's good days, has soaked up the warmth of her embrace, the way she can soothe him like no one else ever will, but he's also witnessed some moments that scared the hell out of him. Like the day his mum set a pizza aflame in the oven, when she set it to broil for "a minute" to brown the cheese, walked away and completely forgot about it, only remembering when he asked her what the hell that smell was. Then there was the time he scared her and she'd grabbed a pot as her weapon to knock out the intruder because she'd forgotten he was home, even though he'd been home a week at that point. The most heartbreaking was when she started to make her grandmother's molasses cookies for him, ones that they don't have a recipe for, that he's seen her make practically on autopilot countless times. They had all of the ingredients out, had put together all the dry ones in a bowl when she froze, and it was all gone. She had teared up then, and made him promise to ask her for the recipe every day until she could remember again, so it could be written down and not lost forever.
That idea of lost forever is what he's struggling the most with. His mum recognizes it, but she's adapted remarkably—he does see it now and again, how it frustrates and drags her down, how she panics that things may be gone for good. It's horrifying to watch, to know that that is her future. He is powerless to stop things like that from happening to her, and it makes him angry because she does not deserve this, no one does.
He's angry all the time, it festers, swells and spills out at inopportune times but he can't help it. He thought he'd gotten through his anger in law school, but it turns out it was just buried under sex and lies. Once all that ended, it all came flooding back. He's bitter, angry, heartbroken and just broken. It sends him into these rages, fits of ill will that he cannot control, that scare even him. He snapped at his mum three days ago, and that's when he knew things had to change.
He cannot go on like this.
But it doesn't help at all that his mum wants to know every single horrible thing that can happen, thinks witnessing it will help them all down the line and keeps taking them to meet and visit with people in more advanced stages than she is.
Robin hates it. Hates it so goddamn much he wants to scream every single time she suggests it, but it's important to her so he grits his teeth and fights back tears as she shows them her future.
Every Tuesday she goes to her support group, and every Tuesday night he hears yet again about the family support group that meets on Wednesdays.
He has absolutely no interest in it, but somehow this Wednesday, he finds himself at the church half an hour before the scheduled time, already dreading going in, and trying to figure out where else is near he can kill the next hour and a half at.
There's a sketchy looking pub, he's a little worried he'd get robbed at, and a McDonalds down the block. That's about it, and neither option is all that appealing. Plus there's the fact that his mum wants this, and he shouldn't lie to her. She doesn't know for sure that he's here, but when he told her this morning he wouldn't be coming home from work tonight, he'd seen her eyes light up.
He should do this for her, he can't really do anything else for her, but this he can. And it angers him that he doesn't even want to. What kind of a son is he?
"You new?" asks a blonde girl he thinks is around his age, as she leans herself against the wall beside him, a little closer than he'd get in a stranger's space.
"I am," he says hesitantly, cursing herself for not leaving sooner, because now he's going to be stuck here. Maybe this is what he needed, the push to do what his mum wants.
"I'm Cassidy, my nan's nearin' the end, so Mum thought it would be a good idea." Her tone suggests she feels similarly to him about this group.
"Robin," he tells her as he offers his hand, "I take it you've been here before."
She rolls her eyes, "Yeah, though I usually end up at Angus' instead," gesturing over to the sketchy looking pub he'd been considering.
"That bad?"
She shakes her head, "Nah, not if you're into it… but there are some hardcore criers and I can't take tha'."
"So you are familiar with everyone?" An idea is starting to form in his head, and maybe it's terrible, but it will get him inside, will allow him to do what his mum wants.
She raises her brows, "Aye, I am."
"So you could give me the lay of the land."
"That will cost ya. Buy me a drink after." He's not sure if she's hitting on him or just extorting him for a drink, but he's not going to refuse. She's attractive enough. Blondes aren't really his thing, not that it matters anyway because he's still hung up on a beautiful brunette who shattered his heart.
He sees Regina everywhere, awkwardly yelled her name at a petite brunette at the bus station the other day when she obviously isn't here. He longs for her, to hear her voice, to see her, but it just brings him pain. When he recalls her beautiful face, it's tinged by the knowledge that it was all a lie, that she never loved him.
He had to block her on all social media because he can't handle it–the reminder of what he thought they had. He needs to get over it, and if Cassidy is flirting with him, it's a good way to start.
Somehow he ends up back at her place, in her bed, and it's not at all what he expected from the night, but she'd changed once he bought her that drink, had offered exactly this, and he wasn't going to say no.
It's awkward and off-kilter, he feels completely disconnected. He's below her, inside her and he feels absolutely no connection to her whatsoever.
But he doesn't focus on that, focuses on the good feeling. He's a man, after all, and it's sex. It's not really what he wants, he wants Regina, pictures for a second that this is her, and it all starts to click. He loses himself to the fantasy, uses this girl in a way she does not deserve.
He feels like shit when it's over, like he's done something wrong to Regina, which is ridiculous, because the only woman he wronged here was Cassidy, but she doesn't seem to think that. She thanks him for the good time, and he heads home, guilt and anger at himself bubbling.
He tells his mum that support group wasn't for him and he never goes back, but he does start counselling because he cannot keep living with all of this festering anger. And he starts to go out, meeting and flirting with women, hoping one day he can clear a stunning brunette from his mind.
Regina's been working at Blanchard Partners for a month and a half now, and it's not at all what she expected.
She'd heard the horror stories, the working until four am, but it's different to experience the culture and come to understand how the grind is incentivized and cultivated, which only came from experiencing it.
From day one there was that lecture about how students should never be the first out, and how they had better be there when the partners arrive to give them work.
The first week was training, scheduled from eight to six except on Friday where they ended at four for a firm-wide celebration and introduction of the new summer students.
There's ten of them, four first years: her, Mary Margaret, and two guys who seem nice enough, then the six second years.
While their days were chock full of training, Regina had been given a research project, an easy one, but due that Friday and she didn't want to make a bad impression.
She knows now that that was a test, to see who would work the way the firm wants them to, late into the night, early into the morning.
Her work is a good distraction from her shit show of a life. She fucked everything up with Robin and all of her friends are having these summers where they do all these fun things–weeks at cabins or abroad–and she's here stuck in her office. She's not great company anyway, still too fukcing heartbroken over how she imploded her relationship with Robin to be a good time. She's never wanted to go back and change her actions this much in her life. Never replayed a moment so many times and fantasized about what she could have done to make it go differently. She tortures herself with it, but she can't stop.
Not that she has much time to dwell on it, she usually works from eight in the morning to nine at night, and her weekends are either spent at the office or catching up on sleep. But he creeps into her thoughts throughout the workday, bringing a wave of sadness.
At work she tries to push the thoughts aside, to focus on her workload, since lord knows she needs to stay focused to get it done.
She's gotten used to this schedule, takes advantage of the comped cab ride home after eight, slips out of her heels for her flats at six sharp, when it's allowed.
She wants to think it will get better when she gets more experience, but she sees the first year associates there just as late if not later than her. It's the partners who stroll in and out, who take vacations and time off, but even then, it's not ideal. She had emailed a question to a partner who assigned her a project, not realizing he was on vacation (and out of the country), only to receive a response within five minutes and a follow up phone call.
She heard from him later that he billed twenty hours on his vacation.
She thought she knew what she was getting herself into with big law, but she didn't. Everyone is work obsessed, set on billing as much as they can to rake in higher bonuses, and make it to partner.
She wants a life outside of work, but no one here seems to have that. When they go out for drinks, that time is spent talking about work. When she tries to bring the conversation to something, anything else, it's ultimately brought back to some work thing.
It wouldn't be all that bad if she wasn't so goddamn lonely, but she is. Mal is out having the summer of her life, at a different bar every night, always full of fun, exciting stories while Regina just works.
Works and goes to therapy, those are the two constants in her life, and she really doesn't have time for anything else.
Her cubicle is unfortunately right outside of Leopold Blanchard's office. He always takes a liking to a student, a so called honour, and this summer's lucky recipient is her.
There's nothing wrong with him, she tells herself that over and over again. But then he'll give these looks, make these comments, and her skin crawls. But he invites her to things with clients, gives her assignments other students would kill for, takes her along to all of his matters, and lets her draft things for him.
She's learned a lot from him, there's no denying that, she just wishes it didn't come with those appraising once overs, the hand on her shoulder, neck or thigh like that one time.
She learned the hard way that the six o'clock casual rule should not extend to losing her jacket if he's still in the office, no matter how warm she is. He's rarely in the office after that time, but he is occasionally, and the first time he was, she was in a skimpy dress, one that she hasn't worn since and is only work appropriate with the jacket. The way he had complimented her dress, eyes fixated on her chest and how he encouraged her to undress from then on, was downright creepy.
No one else seems to have an issue with him, and she wonders sometimes if she's reading too much into it all. He's very well liked at the office, and he and his assistant have this open, joking relationship that makes Regina uncomfortable, but they seem to enjoy somehow. However, it is his name on the door (his father's technically), so she wonders if that has something to do with it, tried to casually canvass that with his assistant but failed entirely.
She misses Robin fiercely, knows that she ruined that, that she has no one to blame but herself. It hurts to know how badly she fucked it all up, how she is powerless to fix it.
Her only hope is that he will listen to her when they go back to school. That he will let her tell him that she loves him, because she does. It only took three therapy sessions for her to admit that to herself, and she has yet to say it aloud. Has tried, but froze, and it frustrates her, but her therapist assures it will get easier with time, once they've dug into the demons that cause the fear.
She is making progress, though slower than she'd like, has nodded her agreement to the sentiment through tears, and it's a start. She has time until school starts again, and she will get over this, she will.
She will finally be able to say those words, ones that could have saved her relationship with Robin if she'd just been brave enough to say them.
It's a slow progress, but she is progressing, and hopes to god it will mean something in the end. She can't bear the thought that she may have lost him forever, though she knows it's a real possibility.
Regina works her ass off in prep for the Canada Day long weekend, so she can actually take the long weekend to herself.
Her parents rent a cottage for the summer and she hasn't been once, but she is going this weekend and is bringing Mal, who she's barely seen.
She gets well wishes as she leaves the office, Leopold cracking a joke about joining her that she ignores in favour of hugging Mary Margaret goodbye.
She has to admit working with Mary Margaret has gone better than she thought it would. Mary Margaret is naive, but very sweet and always willing to help out however she can. Best of all, she tempers her father. It took a while for Regina to realize that Leopold ceases the behaviour that makes her so uncomfortable when Mary Margaret is around, and she has started to use that to her advantage.
She doesn't know that she'd call them friends yet, but they are getting there, Regina doesn't feel in competition with her—not at work anyway. They got their grades and class ranks earlier in the summer, had shared because they go to the same school and were both bursting with excitement. Finding out Mary Margaret was the one who finished first to Regina's second took the edge off of her excitement a little, but only for a moment.
Mary Margaret had shared their news with "only a few people", but by the afternoon, the entire firm knew, and there was a cake and an embarrassing speech from Leopold about the both of them she'd rather forget.
It is nice to have a friendly face in the trenches with her—someone who will order in dinner and ask what she wants, who brings her over a coffee and bids her good morning every single day, in a far too chipper tone for someone who doesn't consume caffeine.
Regina on the other hand, drinks far too much of it, their coffee is free, and good and always available, especially on those late nights. She drinks it at all hours now, and has two travel mugs full of it for the car ride to the cottage (one for her, one for Mal), which Mary Margaret teases her about, before urging her to get going.
Mal is picking her up just down the street from the office, on one of the few side streets that allows stopping during rush hour. Mal had grabbed her suitcase last night, so all that's needed is her.
Mal honks at her when she approaches, making her heart ratchet up into her throat. She shoots a glare at her friend—that signal was not necessary and accomplished nothing outside of scaring the shit out of her.
Mal's laughing as she enters the car, and Regina's hissed, "You jerk," just earns her more laughs.
She's not actually mad of course, she's so happy to see her friend. Her friend who has been hopping bar after bar all summer but did manage to do her two weeks sobriety, giving Regina a piece of mind she desperately needed.
It's because of that she doesn't think much of the seven bottles of wine Mal packed them for their three day trip. That's what they do at the cottage, they sit around staring at the lake, hang out in it, and drink.
The start of the drive is spent catching up, Regina bitching about work for thirty minutes, before swearing she won't talk about it again once they leave the car, and Mal telling her all about the fun she's been having.
Regina is jealous, so jealous. There are aspects of her job she really likes, but she hates that she misses so much, that she has no time for herself or her friends.
But that changes this weekend. And the first week of August, the articling students start, and they will start to get all of the work that the summer students have been doing.
She and Mal jam out to Girls Like You, and when a song comes on she doesn't know, Mal turns down the volume and sighs.
"Something wrong?" Regina asks.
Mal shakes her head, eyes still on the road, "Not wrong per se, just… don't let me get too drunk this weekend. I don't want to embarrass myself in front of your father."
"I wouldn't worry too much about that, it's nothing he hasn't seen before. And he can get drunk and silly too. Remember that year we gave him that whiskey and he almost fell out of his chair getting up?"
She laughs at the memory, remembers going into hysterics with Mal then, and every single time it was brought up, but Mal isn't laughing.
"It's…" Mal starts, "It's not that. I, um… well, I didn't plan on telling you this now, but I'm going to detox next week, and rehab after that."
That has Regina gasping, caught off guard like a fish out of water, unsure how to respond, what to do, what to say, but knowing that she needs to say something, needs to support her friend. She places a hand on Mal's arm, and says, "I'm proud of you."
Mal's eyes water, then she says, "Phew, okay, I need to drive so this can't get too emotional so let me explain then talk to me about anything else."
"Okay, I can do that," she assures taking her hand back as Mal takes a breath.
"Do you remember back at school when I said I'd go away for my birthday? It turns out I was right. And you were too—I do have a problem. I didn't actually make it that two weeks, not even close, I lied to you. Because I didn't want to stop. I'm sorry that I did, but I needed some time."
That shocks her, she never once thought Mal had lied to her, but now it seems so obvious. Of course she did, Regina didn't see her during those two weeks, she just took Mal's word on her sobriety.
Regina won't interrupt with her thoughts, wants Mal to say everything she needs to, so she just sits and waits.
After a minute, while her hands anxiously grip the steering wheel, Mal continues, "Last week I almost got arrested. The way I am when I'm drunk, I get mean and nasty, and sometimes violent… I hit this girl. I don't know why, I don't remember shit, but I saw the video. She found me online and threatened to turn me in if I didn't pay her off, said she'd go to the cops and ruin my life. It would have, I'm so lucky she wanted money more than justice. But I'm not stupid enough to think I'll get that lucky again. So I called and I got myself a spot. My dad is pissed he has to pay again, but it's at least a three month wait for the government funded one, and I can't wait that long."
It's a lot to take in, and Regina's mind is scrambled as she starts to ask, "Should you? Why do we have these bottles? Get rid of them, we don't need to drink."
Mal sighs, "I'm not in treatment yet. This is it, this is my last shebang. I'm going to really try to take it easy, but this is my last time to enjoy a good glass of wine, and I'm going to do it. I'm still twenty-seven and twenty-seven year old Mal can get drunk. I want to ring in twenty-eight sober and I know that will happen because I will be in rehab. I can't do it on my own, I can't just quit cold turkey, Regina. I've been drunk every goddamn day since I can't even remember… It's why I have to detox first, because it's dangerous for me to stop drinking unsupervised. Ugh, fuck, I didn't want to ruin our weekend by telling you, but I didn't want to keep it from you either. Fuck, I've done it now and I'm sorry. I just want to have a good time with my friend, can we do that?"
That she can respond to coherently, (though she's not sure this last shebang thing is a good idea.) "Of course we can, I want that, too. Mal, you have nothing to be sorry for. I am so glad you trusted me with this and you did not ruin the weekend, at all. You're getting sober and it's amazing, that makes the weekend, makes my month."
Mal smiles, and urges Regina to keep her promise to change the subject, which she does by telling Mal all about this very colourful client she has to work with, leaving out any identifying information to protect confidentiality, of course. The stories make Mal laugh, and Regina pushes aside her worries to keep the mood light, to give them both the weekend they need.
Regina hasn't been policing Mal's intake, but she'd be lying if she said she wasn't hyper aware of it. She knows Mal is drunk, she is too, and they both should stop, but there's like half a glass each left in the bottle, so after that.
She's thrilled her friend is going to rehab, getting the help she needs, but there's a little part of her that's sad they won't have nights these again, where they sit out on the dock, feet in the water, drunk and giggly.
She's having more fun than she has in ages, even with her concern for Mal. It's nice to chill out, to not constantly be checking her work email, to finally have moments to just breathe. It makes her miss law school, she thought she knew heavy workload and stress from first year, but she was wrong, she now knows law school and the freedom it entails is something to cherish, and she intends to do just that.
It's only the beginning of July, but she's already counting down the days until the last week of August when she goes back. Classes don't actually start until after labour day, but she and several of her friends are going back a week early. She's hoping Robin will do that too, that she can see him sometime before classes start, but has no way to ask, doesn't even know what classes he is in.
The thought sends a pang of longing through her, and she ends up asking Mal something she's been dying to, even though she doesn't want to open the door to more prying. "Have you talked to him this summer?"
Mal looks at her with bleary eyes, but understanding crosses her face after a moment and she asks, "Robin?"
Regina nods her affirmation and Mal shakes her head, "Not really. He and I never spoke outside of in person. I thought about messaging him about everything, but I didn't imagine you'd take kindly to that."
Regina laughs, because no kidding, she would have been pissed, at least at the time. "Thanks for that. I just was wondering when he gets back."
"You're going to talk to him?"
She nods, and lets out a long breath, gathering her confidence to tell Mal what she already knows. "I have to, I need to tell him… I need to tell him that I love him."
She waits for something terrible to happen, her irrational fear swelling, Mal is now the only person other than her therapist she's admitted this to. Mal just smiles and grasps her hand, allowing the tightness in Regina's chest to abate as she says, "It's about time, little one."
"Yeah well, he probably won't take me back, but I have to try."
"That man is head over heels for you, I don't think you need to worry about that."
She raises a brow because seriously? "Are you forgetting that I dumped him, dropped him when he was suffering, then ignored his request not to contact him, called him and never corrected the impression I gave him that I didn't have feelings for him?"
Mal scoffs, "I never said it was going to be easy, I just have faith you two will work it out. You guys are so good together, you both deserve that."
That's oddly romantic for Mal who is usually such a realist. Regina's a realist. She knows it won't be that easy.
"I want that, I do, I just… it will be four months by the time we are back at school. A lot can change in that time."
"Regina, it's July, do you feel the same as you did then?"
She nods, but, "It's as long as we were together. Also I broke his heart. What, he's just supposed to forgive me, like that?"
"There were mistakes on all sides. Mostly you, but he was also dumb for not telling you how he felt."
She could have done that too though, goes to interrupt Mal but gets shushed as Mal continues, "The blow up was easily avoidable, but it happened. It caused a lot of hurt feelings, he's not the only one hurting, I know you are, too. You hide it well, but I see it. I know that you are worth all of the pain, and I really think he does, too."
The words bring tears to her eyes, then mortifyingly she chokes out, "I just really miss him," and no, no she won't drunk-cry, not tonight.
"Oh, sweetheart," Mal pulls her in for a hug, "'It's going to work out, I know it will. If it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be, you learned so much from it and something like this will never happen again. But like I said I really think it's going to work out. "
She's not so sure, but she lets Mal change the subject, composing her riotous emotions—but Robin's on her mind for the rest of the night.
When they head off to bed, she's still thinking about Robin, missing his voice, his touch, the way he smiles.
She's not supposed to do this, it is stupid and weak, but she dials his number. It goes straight to voicemail, as it always does, and she listens to his steady, caring voice explain to message him on Facebook, something she can't do, but would if she could.
She's too slow to hang up in her inebriated state, mutters, "Shit," into the phone, then attempts to erase the message, but that doesn't seem to be an option, just to re-record.
So she does, "Hi, Robin, I know you won't get this now, but I just really miss you. And I'm really sorry. I… I hope we can talk when we get back to school. I have so much I need to tell you. God, I've missed you so much, you have no idea, I…" those three words almost slip out but she controls herself, wills the shake in her voice to leave, "I fucked this all up, I know I did, and I am so sorry for all the pain I caused you. You deserved better than that. I hope that you can forgive me, but I understand if you can't."
She hangs up and the tears start to fall, she doesn't fight them anymore, cuddles up with her pillow and cries herself to sleep, still unconvinced her mistake hasn't ruined everything.
His tuition deposit is due tomorrow, if he's actually going to transfer, so he has to make a decision.
He's so fucking torn, curses this illness for the thousandth time because it would be so easy without that. When he was in school it was easy to see all the reasons to stay, it's what he wanted, but being here, seeing his mother like this, knowing they only have a few years left, it has him so lost. How can he leave and spend the next two years an ocean away?
He was easily accepted as a transfer student, did better in first year than he ever would have expected. He's only slightly above average, but it's way better than the below he thought he would be, and his criminal law grade is outstanding, which is what he actually wants to do with his life.
He's unable to make a decision, and if he's staying at Queen's, he needs to do his summer job applications for the places he wants that participate in on-campus interviews. He knows it's a big deal, that most of his classmates have been preparing for weeks while he's sat stewing.
It's still the summer, and next summer is so far off—if he gets a summer job in Ontario, when will he ever see his mum?
It's like he's living two lives, law student Robin, who wanted to spend his life in another country, and Robin, the good son, one who cannot imagine being away from his mum.
He just needs to make a damn decision, but he can't.
So he seeks advice from the one person he knows will help him make the right decision, his mum.
It's a difficult conversation to have with her, since all of his reasons for staying here involve her, and he doesn't want to make her feel guilty, but he knows she would want to be a part of it, so he sucks it up.
He tells her all of the reasons, and she reacts to his words with these soft sounds but doesn't say anything until he's finished. "Honey, I love you, and you already know what you need to do. You were never going to transfer, we both know that. So it's time to let that go. I will miss you, I will miss you so much, but you'll live the life you love there, and come home for Christmases and reading weeks. We'll Facetime. I'm never going to let you put your life on hold because I'm sick. We don't know how long this is going to go on for, what things will look like in a few years. It's scary, but I won't let it stop you from doing what's right for you."
He lets out a shaky breath, starts to argue, "But, but… I just… I can't… I don't want to miss out on the time we have left."
He can see how those words gut her, they did him as well, and they both try not to show it. The reality is they are living on borrowed time, how much, they don't know, but it's the truth.
She hugs him tightly, hand stroking through his hair as she whispers, "I know, I know. But this is what you want, and it's what I want, too. You make me so proud at that school, and I'm looking forward to coming down and seeing you graduate. My baby, the Canadian lawyer."
His eyes burn and he clings to her. That's how they stay, for a long time, pressed in each other's arms, unwilling to let go.
Robin has a problem, and that problem is Regina Mills. He tells himself he doesn't care, but it's a lie, he does—he burns and aches and longs for her still. It's fucking August, he's moving back in a week and he's still hung up on her. Has spent the whole miserable summer hung up on her.
He unblocked her earlier in the month, when he finally stopped his misguided efforts to get over her. After he slept with Cassidy, he'd slept with another woman to try and rid Regina from his thoughts, then another, but it never helped. He's an attractive almost-lawyer and it had been surprisingly easy to find someone, so he kept doing it, slept with another and another and another. It wasn't the same, wasn't what he really wanted, what he needed. He kept trying because fuck her for ruining this for him too, thinking that eventually, if he kept at it, it would get better, it had to.
But he was wrong. He slept with more partners this summer than he ever has in his life, by far. Had a whirlwind of daring encounters, and he tried again and again to rid himself of the need to be with Regina.
It never worked, didn't help at all. If anything, it made things worse because it was pleasing, but not satisfying, didn't soothe the ache he had for real connection, to make love, not just have sex, the impulse that pissed him off and pushed him to make the same mistake over and over.
He wanted Regina, even despite everything and no amount of casual sex could placate that need. He still misses her, still wants her, still can't have her.
Soon he'll be back at school, and he knows he can't avoid her forever. He'll have to see her, learn to be in her presence without being with her (not that he ever was).
In one short week, he'll be back in the same country as her, still nursing a broken heart that should have healed already. He's an idiot for still being hung up on her, but it's been a rough summer and he had it deep for her. Loved her so damn much, loves her so damn much. It's stupid, but perhaps seeing her will be just what he needs to finally put their not-even-a-relationship behind him