Sorry for the long wait dear readers! I have been working on my SummerGen story and doing my first Beta work. Very rewarding, but it doesn't give me much time to work on this...so I had to go back to my once a week posting schedule. Don't worry, still lots ahead for the Winchesters and the MacCallums. (There's a little bit of swearing in this chapter in case anyone is sensitive.) Thanks to OldGirl-NoraArlani, Kathy, shadowhuntingdauntlessdemigod and SilentDragon02 for taking the time to review.
The bridge gave Dean a good view of the whole riverbank and enabled him to keep an eye on everyone at the same time. The kids and adults were sprawled along the shore and up on the rocks that jutted out into the water. Like most civilians the MacCallum's were blissfully unaware of the monsters that lived among them. There was no reason to think that anything dangerous was around right now, but being watchful was second nature to Dean, even while relaxing. It was a beautiful day. A gentle breeze ruffled his hair, the sun was comfortably hot on his skin and since Sam had nagged him into using sunscreen, he caught the faint scent of coconut every time he moved.
Elbows propped on the railing of the bridge, Dean had his fishing rod lazily dangling from his hand. Declan was lounging beside him, but the other man seemed to be comfortable just to be fishing and the lack of conversation was pleasant. As always, he kept one eye on Sam. His brother was sitting, talking with Fiona a little ways apart from the rest of her family. Sam's long legs were stretched out in front of him, the picture of relaxation except that even at a distance Dean recognized that Sam was far from relaxed. He tried not to worry, but this whole situation was so far outside his knowledge base. How could he help Sam? He didn't exactly have a great record when it came to family life. Memories of Ben and Lisa crept into his thoughts, but he shoved them down fiercely. This was not the time to get caught up in his own nostalgia.
Fiona got up and left Sam sitting in the sun, then Sammy got up and strolled out of sight. It wasn't very long afterwards, that he heard a familiar footstep on the bridge.
"Catch anything?" Sam asked as he joined them at the railing.
"Nah, just enjoying the day," answered Declan for both of them.
"Everything okay?," Dean questioned even as he knew Sam wouldn't answer truthfully with Declan there. But something was up, otherwise Sam wouldn't have come to find him.
"Yeah, fine." To anyone else, Sam looked at ease, but Dean could sense the distress simmering underneath the placid surface. His brother leaned against the railing beside him and stared at the water. Dean didn't push. He had learned a long time ago that the best way to get Sam to talk when he was like this was to wait. Sam shifted a little closer and Dean was reminded of a much younger Sammy who would sidle up next to him every time he was anxious or upset. It brought a smile to his face, even as he was concerned for his kid brother.
Declan shot a glance their way, but Dean ignored it, although he was grateful when a short time later, Declan reeled in his line.
"Well, I'm getting too hot up here, so I'm going to go in search of some shade. See you two later," he said amicably and strolled off the bridge. Dean wondered briefly if the other man had perceived the tension Sam was trying to hide, but decided it didn't matter. He reeled in his own line and cast it out again, content to wait for Sam to open up about what was bothering him.
"So, uh, Fiona asked me what role I intend to play in Jonathan's life," Sam said, his voice tight. "She's looking for an answer." Dean's heart lurched into his throat even as he forced himself to project calm. The decision had to be Sam's and he wasn't going to do anything to influence his brother one way or another at this point.
"And?" Dean's hands clenched the fishing rod in his hands as he braced himself for Sam's answer. Part of him was intensely happy for the kid. This was the life he had always dreamed about for Sammy. To be happy, loved, safe. To have a family with kids and maybe someday a wife. To grow old in peace and comfort. Still another part of him was terrified. If Sam stayed here Dean would be alone. Sure he'd have Cas around, but as much as Cas was family, he wasn't Sam. Cas also had a bad habit of leaving. God only knows what was coming with the Darkness, but he knew he couldn't face it alone.
"I...I don't...I'm not...What if…" Sam sputtered all pretense of calm shattered as he spun to sit with his back against the railing.
"Sam, pick a sentence and go with it," Dean admonished fondly, pushing aside his own fears to help his brother. Sam huffed a wry smile.
"Sorry," Sam dragged his long fingers through his hair and Dean turned to face him, the importance of this conversation weighing like a stone in his gut. Taking a deep breath Sam continued. "I know that I want to be some part of Jonathan's life." The confidence in his brother's declaration felt like a door slamming in Dean's soul.
"I can think of a thousand reasons why I shouldn't, but I need to try. Colin and Sharron have offered to let me stay with them." He caught Dean's eye with a pleading look, "To let both of us stay with them." Damn, it was so tempting, but even before Sam was finished speaking Dean was shaking his head.
"That's great Sam, and if you want to stay and help raise your son, you should do that." He meant it, he really did. Swallowing hard, he took a deep breath and tried to keep his voice steady. "But..I can't stay here with you."
Sammy could adapt, could give up hunting and live a normal apple-pie life. He'd done it before, and he could do it again. But Dean - he couldn't. He knew that in his bones. If he tried to stay, it was only a matter of time before the Darkness would find them, before the darkness he had inside of him would poison Sam's chance at happiness. Their life didn't let go, not of both of them. Monsters would always find them, and he would always need to do whatever it took to stop them. So, he couldn't stay. It would hurt like cutting off his fucking arm with a pen knife, but just like when Sam went to Stanford, he could do it. He could let Sam go if he knew his brother was happy. And if only one of them was going to get that chance, it was damn well going to be Sam.
Sam swung around to face him head on. Dean could see the emotions warring in his expression, hurt, disbelief, desperation, then acceptance. Sam's jaw clenched and he looked away out over the sunshine soaked riverbank. His brother stared at where Johnny sat in the sand playing while Dean reeled in his line. He'd expected Sam to argue with him, turn on those puppy dog eyes of his and plead for Dean to change his mind, but Sam was motionless beside him for a long moment.
"Alright," he finally said, rolling some of the tension out of his shoulders. "So I'll get a car. We're not that far away, I'll visit Jonathan when I can and...we'll figure something out." Dean could almost see Sam's big brain start making plans as he spoke. "Yeah, I'll make a schedule, come spend birthdays and holidays. It'll be fine." Dean sighed, he knew first hand that you can't have one foot in and one foot out of this life. He'd tried with Lisa and Ben, and look how great that had turned out.
"Sam," he murmured sadly before his brother cut him off with a rough gesture.
"No Dean. I can do this. I have to do this." Sam gripped Dean's arm. "I want to be a part of Johnny's life but, I just got you back. I'm NOT giving you up, now." Sam was staring at him with a stubborn intensity. Dean didn't know what to say even as a warm feeling uncurled in his chest. His mind flashed back to that restaurant, the power of the Mark singing through his blood, Sam on his knees, begging him to believe. The faith Sam had in him was undeserved then and it sure wasn't worth the risk now. He was moved by Sam's bold statement, and love for his brother surged through him, even as the idea of losing him threatened to swamp him with sadness.
"Hey guys!" Both Winchesters were startled by Dennis calling up from below the bridge. "Our ride back will be here in a little while." Tearing his eyes from Sam's, Dean waved an acknowledgement. There was a lot more to say to Sam, a lot of convincing he had to do, but his brother quickly brushed by and there was nothing for Dean to do but follow him off the bridge.
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"Mind if I sit here?" Dean turned to see Uncle Murray lower himself down beside him on the step. The back porch stairs were on the side of the house, away from where the rest of the family were sitting, talking, laughing and digesting another wonderful lunch. Dean had chosen to nurse his beer here, to get a bit of a breather from all the people and to digest Sam's emotional declaration back on the bridge. His brother had been casually avoiding him since then, choosing to throw himself wholeheartedly into mingling with the MacCallums. Which was fine with Dean, really it was. Sam was a part of their family now, one way or another.
Glen, Peter and Noah ran by, shouting and laughing. "If only I had that kind of energy," the older gentlemen beside him lamented and Dean had to chuckle. They watched the boys chase each other in companionable silence for a few minutes.
"Never had any of my own." At Dean's puzzled glance, Uncle Murray clarified. "Children, I mean." The old man pointed at the kids with his chin. "How about you?" Dean thought for a moment, about Ben, about Emma, but then shook his head. Some doors should remain closed.
"Ah, but Kathy told me that you helped raise your brother." Both men turned to look at Sam's tall figure who had joined the kids in tossing around a football. Dean studied his brother with pride.
"Yeah, I did," he answered simply, allowing affection to creep into his tone. It had only been recently that he felt like he could take some credit for Sammy's upbringing without dishonoring their Dad, but it was true. In many ways he had been both a mother, and a father to Sam on top of trying to be a brother and a friend. Uncle Murray shaded his eyes against the sun to watch Sam and the children play.
"I know a little bit about that. My mother was what you would call, fragile. She was a wispy kind of woman and my father treated her like a princess. Made sure she never had to trouble herself with the difficult parts of life. So when my father died when I was 12, I had to step up and take care of the family, take care of my brother and sister, William and Debbie." Dean found himself paying closer attention to the older man.
"It was hard, and I didn't know what I was doing most of the time. Mom passed when I was 18. And eventually, William and Debbie grew up and didn't need me as much anymore. So I focused on my career. I figured I had lots of time to find a girl, get married, have a few kids of my own. Yet somehow, there was always something more important to do. One more achievement to go after. And then Debbie's husband Roger died, then William and Maggie, then Debbie passed." The old man shook his head sadly. "So much death…" Now that was something Dean could relate to. Thinking about Mom, Dad, and everyone else he and Sam had lost was gut wrenching. He took a sip of his warming beer. The other man had a point that he was trying to make and Dean wished he'd get to it.
"Anyway, I tried to do the best I could for their kids. Then suddenly, I turned around and I was an old man." Murray waved a self-deprecating hand at himself. "I never did get married or have kids of my own. But I have nephews and nieces that I love, and now another precious generation of children to spoil." The old man narrowed his eyes, freezing Dean with his intensity.
"My point is, the family you imagined, isn't always the family you get. Things may not have happened the way we might have wanted them to, but Sam is Jonathan's father. And every kid deserves to grow up surrounded by all the family they can get."
"I agree," His response seemed to surprise the older man. "If Sam wants to stay and be with Johnny, I'm not going to stop him." It hurt Dean to say it, but he knew it was true. If Sammy had a chance to be happy, to see his son grow up, to have a normal life full of coaching T-ball, parent teacher interviews and family holidays, he would never stand in the way, no matter how much he would miss him. Uncle Murray gave him an approving smile. The old guy reminded him a bit of Bobby, so much so that emotions threatened to surface. Dean ruthlessly swallowed them with another sip of beer.
"Good." Uncle Murray said. "And Dean?" He waited until Dean turned his head to look him in the eye. "Families come in all different shapes and sizes. There's room in ours for Sam and you both." Dean had to smile at the kind-hearted comment. The offer meant a lot, even as he knew it wasn't that easy. The other man pushed to his feet, and with a parting squeeze to Dean's shoulder, ambled back to the front porch.
Dean sat for a bit longer, draining his warming beer. The idea of a big, loving family was appealing, but he knew himself, knew what his life was. He couldn't stay in one place for too long, not when people needed saving. In one way or another, hunting had been all he'd known for over 30 years now. It was his life, it was all he was ever good at. Even now the urge to get back into Baby and hit the road was starting to faintly gnaw at him. The MacCallums were nice, a lot kinder to him and Sam than he had expected, but he had seen too much - done too much. Like a square peg in a round hole, he didn't fit and never would. But maybe, just maybe he could drop by sometimes, visit with Sam and Jonathan once in a while. Maybe have a place in this world that welcomed him back, even temporarily.
Footsteps behind him broke him from his reverie. April was holding baby Maison and herding little Zoe towards the door behind him. She saw him and smiled.
"Hey Dean. Do you mind getting the door?" He jumped to his feet and she paused while he held it open for her. Zoe goggled up at him from around his knee level, one lazy hand grinding at her sleepy eyes and the other clutched firmly to April's pant leg.
"Do you need a hand?," he offered, not sure that he actually would be much help, but wanting to be polite.
"Nah, thanks. I volunteered for nap duty, so there's not much to do but get these two horizontal. You should go rejoin everybody, they're about to start." With those cryptic words she disappeared into the cool dark house. Dean's curiosity was stirred, so he closed the door softly and made his way towards the front of the house.