The past few months had been terrifying, but none of the fear Steven had experienced during that time could amount to the terror pounding in his chest now. He was still screaming, he knew, struggling against the Amethysts that were still restraining him, while Blue Diamond held Lapis' gem up to her face to inspect it. He was screaming, and he was sobbing, too; the hybrid was practically hysterical at that point, and the only reason he was even still trying to suck in any air to speak was because he needed to get the words out, he needed to beg and plead and do whatever he could to get Blue Diamond's attention, to get her to stop for a second, and listen. "Please, please, please-!" He screamed, jerking his arms against the soldiers' hold and trying to move forward, but they dragged him right back toward them again before he'd even had the chance to really pull away from them. "Please don't hurt her- please- please, let her go-"
He remembered how scared Lapis had been at the mere mention of the Diamonds; he remembered how horrified she was at the idea of ever returning to Homeworld, after she'd already gone back and been taken as a prisoner once. As he stared at her gem, the thought of her flying all this way to the planet she never wanted to come back to - just for him, no less - brought a rush of tears to his eyes, and another anguished wail tore from his throat, another desperate cry of "please!" as he lunged and struggled against the Amethysts grasps. "Please," he sobbed again. He couldn't stop saying that word, that one word. And he didn't even care. He wasn't going to stop saying it until it finally got her attention. "I- I'll do anything- anything you want," he gasped, briefly pausing his struggles and falling slack against the soldiers, who took the chance to tighten their grips as he did. "I- I- I'll- I'll- I'll be your soldier, I'll go back to war, I'll do whatever you want me to do and- and I'll train and-" Another sob broke through his lips.
Finally, Blue Diamond's gaze flicked back up to him, lowering her hands and letting Lapis' gem roll into her palm instead. Steven sucked in another gasp and paused again, chest heaving as he fought for air. But a spark of hope finally flickered through his chest, the fear briefly giving way, when he watched the giant blue gem tilt her head to the side and furrow her eyebrows at him. She looked thoughtful, like she was genuinely considering what he was saying. So with the sparkle of hope that he'd been given, with the little encouragement he'd received, he went on.
"Please," he whispered, searching the Diamond's gaze frantically. Once again, he let the hope pulse, he let himself believe there was an inch of compassion there, something inside of her that wasn't corrupted by grief and anger. He knew she was furious, she was mourning the loss of someone she'd cared about. But maybe she wasn't all that bad. She was just hurt, wasn't she? For all her torture, all the things she had done to him and everybody else… he had to hope there was some goodness left inside of her, and that maybe he could bring it out now. Maybe he had this chance, this one, final chance to get through to her. "Please," he begged again, raising his voice after a moment. He blinked desperately past the tears blurring his vision, still breathing heavily, but trying not to panic as much. He could do this. He had to at least try, for Lapis. "Please don't hurt her. Please. Please." Another stifled sob, this one much quieter than the last.
After a moment, studying him just as intently as she had been before, Blue Diamond smiled. She smiled and, just like that, in just a split second, Steven felt his heart stop beating.
There was no warmth. There wasn't even a trace of kindness or compassion in her gaze, or her smile. It was sharp, it was cold, it was cruel. There wasn't even the blind anger Steven recognized there There was almost nothing but malice reflected in her eyes now, a merciless amusement from a gem that had dedicated everything she did to torturing him, at any cost. There wasn't a chance of getting through to her now, and, honestly, as he stared back at her… the hybrid was genuinely beginning to wonder if there ever was. His breathing hitched again,sucking in as much air as he could to keep pleading, keep begging. There was nothing else he could do; the soldiers weren't letting him go, and now that he had gone still for those few seconds, they had a tighter grip on him than they had from the beginning. "Please…" He tried. He tried again, and again, and again, because he didn't know what else he could do or say. "Please…"
Blue Diamond still didn't say anything. She stepped forward after a few seconds, pausing in front of the elevated platform the hybrid was standing on. More tears blurred his vision; he blinked them back furiously to watch as the Diamond held her hand out to him and silently uncurled her fingers to reveal the gem in her hand once again. His gaze snapped down to it at once, pupils shrinking as he stared. Lapis' gem was so small in her hand, nothing but an insignificant speck to a giant, almighty Diamond such as the one holding it, but it was everything to Steven. The hybrid's lower lip trembled slightly, furrowing his eyebrows as he looked down at it, then quickly snapped his gaze back up to Blue Diamond's face. For a second, through the fear and the pain and the confusion and the despair, he wondered if maybe he had gotten through to her, if maybe, despite the cold smile on her face, she had actually listened to him. Maybe she was giving him the gem, maybe she was going to tell him he had one last chance. Steven jerked his arms slightly, trying to move forward, but the soldiers weren't letting him go.
Just as quickly as the thought had crossed his mind, before Steven could even open his mouth to whimper out another 'please', before he could ask what she was going to do, and plead with her even further not to hurt his friend - Blue Diamond abruptly curled her hand around the gemstone again, and this time, he could see the soft glow pulsing through her fingers. His breathing hitched once again, and this time, he ended up holding his breath as he watched. Watched Blue Diamond slowly curl each of her fingers back again, the familiar glow of a bubble rising up as it enveloped the gem. For a second, just a second, he almost felt relieved. She was bubbling her again. Being bubbled was better than being shattered. She wouldn't kill her.
Blue Diamond opened her hand completely again, revealing the bubble in her hand. It looked different from the one Lapis' gem had started out in, he realized faintly as he stared at it. It looked oddly clouded inside, murky and thick like it was filled with dirty water. Lapis' gem was lying still at the bottom as the bubble shrunk around it, steadily growing smaller and smaller in the giant gem's hand as she lowered it completely to where Steven was, until her hand was right there in front of him, until the bubble was within arms reach. If he wasn't being restrained, he could have reached out to take it from her, and the only thing keeping him from struggling was the fear of upsetting the gem again. He watched her turn her hand, pinching the bubble.
"Don't you ever," she said softly, and Steven continued to hold his breath, eyes widening slightly as he flicked his gaze from her face to the bubble and back again. "Disobey me again." And he opened his mouth, ready to choke out every reassurance he could, ready to make every promise he could muster as long as it meant she was going to let Lapis go. But he didn't have the chance to spit the words out, he didn't have the chance to make even a single sound. The words caught in his throat with nothing more than a quiet, strangled gasp. A spike shot up from the bottom of the bubble, straight to the top. Steven watched it cut straight through the center of the tiny gem in the middle of the bubble, and he watched the cracks spread when the bubble popped, he heard the sound it made when it fell apart. It sounded like a window being broken. It sounded like every time he'd cracked his head against a hard object when he fell, or when he was thrown, or dropped. It sounded like something cracking, breaking, shattering all at once.
Blue gem shards fell from Blue Diamond's fingers, dropping onto the platform at Steven's feet. The hybrid watched them as they fell, as some of them bounced off the edge and fell even further to the floor completely. The rest of them laid still in front of him - so many of them. Tiny shards, a gemstone that had been reduced to nothing but little, sharp, chipped pieces. His pupils shrank for a second as he stared, and for a few seconds, the pain that enveloped him right then was like nothing he'd ever felt before. Even his grief over Mandarin didn't nearly amount to the agony that exploded through him at that moment. He couldn't scream. He couldn't cry. His eyes were surprisingly dry, but they burned hot with the threat of tears.
The pain lasted a solid five seconds before everything went numb.
For a moment, the world went still. Every bit of sound had turned to static. Everything had blurred to almost nothing. It only took a second this time for the emotions to vanish, and it didn't take even that long for the memories to screech to a halt. The shift was sudden, but not unwelcome. On one hand, he could recall the pain he'd just felt moments before. He knew he should still be feeling that, probably - he knew something bad had just happened, something he should have been upset about, but he didn't know why. All he could feel was everything that he was steadily chipping away. Every memory, every emotion. Pushed down, buried underneath… nothing. There was just nothing. Blank gaps where memories should be, confusion where grief had just been. It was like he was zoning out, dissociating, but on a much larger scale now. The memories didn't return this time, even when the slowed-down world caught up with him again. Even when time kept ticking, when sound and sight returned. He just stared at the shards.
Everything was gone. Every memory. Every emotion. There was nothing left but confusion. But otherwise, he was blank, empty. At least, he was, until he flicked his gaze back up to the gem in front of him. She looked rather pleased with herself, grinning down at the gem shards lying on the platform in front of him. She had been the one to shatter the gem, he remembered that. While it took him a second to recognize her, it did eventually set in. She was his Diamond.
He was a soldier. He was her soldier.
Something had been chipped away, something had shifted, but something else had clicked into place. He knew he was supposed to feel upset about something, something bad had just happened. He knew he had just been crying, screaming, begging. He knew he felt guilty and confused, he even knew he felt almost angry, but he still couldn't understand why. He didn't recognize the gem shards in front of him, he couldn't recall why he'd been so afraid before. Something had shifted. Steven Universe had crumbled and folded away, shoved so far down that he couldn't reach the memories and emotions that connected him to who he used to be anymore. The only thing he could really process was that he was a soldier. He was a soldier of Homeworld. Whoever Steven Universe had been, he was gone. Blue Diamond had finally won; she'd finally succeeded in what she'd always wanted, but the hybrid didn't even know that. He had no idea that she had just somehow stomped out everything he used to be in one swift, sudden strike. The grief, and the pain, in the shock - it had been too much, too fast.
As far as he was concerned, Steven Universe had never even existed. His mind had shoved that part of him down, locked him away, where he didn't have to deal with the pain and the grief. There were no memories to present as proof of his existence, not ones that he could reach. They were far beyond him now, and it didn't make a single difference to the soldier. There was no point in mourning someone he didn't remember - so he didn't mourn the loss of his old self, and he didn't mourn the broken gem in front of him, the shards littered across the platform, the ones that had fallen to the floor. There were no memories to tie him to the gem, no sentiment, no recognition. He did know that perhaps it should have mattered more to him than it did, that he was supposed to feel upset over something, but… he didn't. He didn't feel upset at all.
There was no Steven. There were no Crystal Gems. There was no Earth.
But instead, there was only Homeworld. There was his Squadron. His fellow soldiers. There were certain gems he did remember; Berry, Lemon Lime, Candy, Agate, Sage, Tangerine, Clementine. Gems that meant… something to him, but at the moment he couldn't process exactly what that 'something' was. There was a tug of concern at the thought of them… he'd gotten them in trouble, he remembered, but he couldn't remember why or how. He just knew they were somewhere in a bubble. Right. He was being punished. He was being punished for disobeying his Diamond's orders - and why would he do something like that? There was no love in his heart for his Diamond, he knew that much, but there was certainly fear when he looked at her. Fear and confusion, and pain. Pain he didn't want to feel. He didn't want to disobey her.
There was Homeworld. His home. His planet. There was Yellow Diamond. White Diamond. His Diamond. And then there was him. He was Rose Quartz Facet-1 Cut-8BR. He was a soldier.
"Take her back to her room," his Diamond ordered harshly. "And feel free to punish her more."
Nothing else.
The destabilizer was stabbed into his back, between his shoulder-blades, and the hybrid screamed as he doubled over. His mechanical fingers dug into the floor beneath him, arching his back as the electricity raced up and down his spine. The pain was mind-numbing; while most of the Amethysts had left after they shoved him into the Room - another thing he remembered, somewhat, or at least had feelings toward. Feelings of panic and fear and pain and anger - one of them had remained. She was standing over him as he knelt on the ground, one hand clasped over his shoulder and holding him somewhat steady as she shoved the destabilizer deeper into his back and twisted; another scream tore through his lips, tears welling up but not quite falling. He hadn't shed a single tear since the torture had begun. He hadn't shed a single tear since whatever had happened back there in his Diamond's room. He wasn't exactly sure why.
He hissed and gasped when the destabilizer was pulled out again, swallowing and sucking in as much air as he could through shaky, unsteady gulps. He knew it was going to happen again, but he also knew trying to prepare himself for it at that point was futile. The electricity was something he couldn't brace himself for; he remembered wounds he received in battle, wounds he received from sharp weapons, bruises from being slammed up against walls. He still had those scars now, to connect with the memories. But even that hadn't been as bad as this. This hurt him down to his core, every part of his body bursting with painful, sharp jolts of energy.
The Amethyst circled around him and pressed the destabilizer, dripping with red liquid, underneath his chin. She forced his head up, and he let his gaze flick up to meet hers, silent. "Hopefully you've learned your lesson, Rose," she sneered with a grin, and he flicked his gaze away again, looking back down at the destabilizer and swallowing as much as he could with it pressed against his throat. He could feel the electricity, even now, but it didn't hurt. It didn't tend to hurt until it had pierced through him completely, until the electricity could spread through every part of his body. "Next time you'll think twice before disobeying our Diamond." But he was still relieved when she pulled it away from him, and he finally let himself slump backwards, sitting back on his heels and breathing heavily, chest heaving rapidly, as he watched her turn to leave, tapping the wall with the handle of the destabilizer until the door slid open to let her out.
Well, she was right about one thing. He wouldn't be disobeying his Diamond anytime soon. Honestly, he marveled over the fact that he'd even done so in the first place. He couldn't remember the decisions that had led up to that point; there was just nothing where memories should have been, gaps he couldn't fill in, but it hardly mattered regardless. He knew the risks now - but surely he'd known them before? Why hadn't he taken them into account then? And he had to have known the danger he'd be putting the other gems in. Steven grimaced and pushed himself backwards after a moment, letting himself fall back completely to sit down normally. He stretched his legs out in front of him and stared at the feet of his limb enhancers, not even looking up when the light above his head started flickering. Or when a high-pitched buzzing sound started. Or even when the earrings chimed and glowed, and began speaking to him. Familiar words, ones he could quote by heart at this point. He followed along with them quietly.
"I am Rose Quartz Facet-1 Cut-8BR…" He trailed off, staring at the floor. "My Diamond is Blue Diamond. I am a soldier," he said slowly, narrowing his eyes slightly. "Nothing else." It was fairly simple, embedded into him like it was programmed into his brain. These were things he already knew. Memories that had been there even after everything else had turned to static. And he eventually came to the conclusion that, through everything else that must have happened, with all the emptiness and the gaps and the blank spots he could feel were there, something missing from him, something he couldn't reach for - for him to remember this in particular, for this to have stuck with him through that, then it must have been important. It had to be important. Everything else had blurred and chipped away; this was one of the few things that remained.
There was nothing else. He couldn't follow the memories into the edges of his mind. He couldn't push himself to the point of digging them back up - something caused him to shy away from them, knowing something bad had happened, and knowing he had forgotten whatever it was, and knowing that it had to be a good thing. So he also decided that he was… content, not remembering whatever it was that had hurt him so badly. He couldn't remember the emotions now, and that was a good thing. He just remembered how bad he thought it was, and how every part of him had been wishing for the pain to go away. He'd gotten his wish, so in the long run, there was really no other reason for him to go digging around for anything else at all.
Yes, he decided, he was content right then.
He was a soldier.
He was Rose Quartz.
Steven sat still while he waited. He didn't move. He didn't pace. He didn't get up. He didn't even shift positions after that; he remained sitting with his mechanical fingers folded over his legs, staring at the wall and just waiting. He couldn't remember, but he could still feel. He felt… relief. He felt like this was the first time in a while he'd been able to sit still without feeling some kind of pain, whether it be physical or emotional. And, yes, his legs did start to ache after a little while, the limb enhancers digging into them rather harshly, and his arms were a little sore themselves. Even so, he felt oddly peaceful - and he relished the feeling, because he knew it was something he hadn't been quite familiar with up until that moment. He liked solitude. He liked being alone. That was something else he decided; he liked having the room to himself. The earrings talking to him was, personally, enough interaction to last him for a while - but even so, the soldier determined that he would sit there and wait until his Diamond came to retrieve him again.
When the door did open, Steven finally rose to his feet, folding his hands into the salute with practiced ease. It came to him more naturally than anything else had so far, ducking his head and lifting his gaze as he watched his Diamond step through the opened door. "My Diamond."
She looked… startled, but not upset. Steven watched her carefully as her eyes flicked back and forth, studying him intently for a few seconds, before she spoke. "Rose Quartz," she hummed. "Come along. Your punishment is over for the time being." She turned to lead him out, and Steven moved forward without hesitation, falling into step beside Blue Pearl and walking after his Diamond quickly. Occasionally, he let his gaze flick around the palace; he wanted to ask about what had happened to the others, but he had a feeling that would just make her upset. And the last thing Steven wanted, right then, was to make his Diamond upset again. So he bit his tongue, he kept silent, and he straightened up as he followed after her, keeping his steps light and his strides long to keep up with her as she led him through the halls and outside.
"After the little stunt you pulled, you'll be training with Hessonite 3AB's Squadron now," his Diamond began, and Steven furrowed his eyebrows, silently wracking his brain to try and remember who that was. His memories of Homeworld were still a little hazy, but at least there were any memories to account for on that end at all. "Yellow Diamond rejuvenated the soldiers that were captured during the battle-" She sounded disgusted, displeased, as she said that. Steven cocked his head to the side, flicking his gaze toward her. "And Agate 4AX is busy re-training them. Hessonite 3AB is training a group of Quartzes and Rubies - including 5HX, but don't get any ideas. Yellow had her rejuvenated, so she's not your loyal little follower now."
"Of course, my Diamond." Steven twisted his mouth into a puzzled frown, jumping down the stairs and continuing to follow her. Berry had been rejuvenated… he couldn't really wrap his mind around that one, but at the same time, he also found himself glad for it. At least they hadn't shattered the Ruby. Rejuvenation was the least of her concerns - being reset meant she couldn't remember anything anyway, which was practically the same case with him at the moment… so when it really came down to it, if her situation was anything like his, she probably wasn't missing very much at all. The hybrid rolled his shoulders back, shaking his head.
"We're preparing for another battle." His Diamond paused, and added with a somewhat begrudging tone when she went on, "Yellow Diamond will be taking the command on this one."
Another battle. Steven nodded faintly, but he didn't speak. He came to a stop when Blue Diamond raised a hand and paused, and while he flinched slightly at first when the ground rumbled underneath him to start pushing him upwards, he held himself still and steady. There was going to be another battle, which meant they'd want him to fight again. Which meant he'd probably have to go through more training. Which… wasn't a problem, right? He remembered some things in snippets. He remembered how satisfying fighting had been during the first battle. He remembered how much he enjoyed training with his Squadmates. The battle was rough, of course, and the rebels had angered him, and he was supposed to have shattered them… but he was also given other orders not to do so. And something had stopped him from even considering the idea, anyway; something that was tugging at him now, aching to be released from whatever prison in his subconscious they had been locked away in. And he shied away.
If the memories came naturally, fine. He was happy to remember things that way. But he wasn't going to push for something he wasn't really sure he wanted to begin with, and that was that.
His Diamond let him into a training arena - a familiar looking one, at that. And even more familiar were the gems just up ahead, lined up, seemingly, for battle training. There was a row of Quartzes in the front, and two rows of Ruby soldiers in the back. Steven silently let his gaze trail over each of the gems as he followed his Diamond, furrowing his eyebrows silently. He only paused - if only for a split second - when his gaze rested on one of the Rubies. A Ruby with slightly curlier hair, with limb enhancers on her feet, a yellow visor and a gem on the back of her left hand. A Ruby that was staring at him from the corner of her eye as he followed after Blue Diamond - a Ruby that, understandably, looked a little more than furious while she was standing among the others. It was Berry, and that was unmistakable. He'd recognize her any day. But the way she was glancing at him, the way her fury seemed to abruptly dissolve and fizzle away into something… he couldn't quite place right then, it was also unmistakable. And it was confusing. His Diamond had told him she'd been rejuvenated. Reset. She shouldn't be looking at him like that, like she… remembered. The soldier stared for a moment, then looked away again.
"Your excellency," Sage greeted as they approached; Steven flicked his gaze toward her silently, and folded his hands into a salute when she turned her attention to him. "And Rose Quartz…" She trailed off for a moment, with an oddly puzzled expression on her face as she stared at him. But, after a brief moment of hesitation, she simply offered him a smile as warm as he remembered it to be, and nodded toward the row of Quartz soldiers. "You can go stand with them for now while I speak with Blue Diamond," she told him, and Steven didn't waste any time in following the command, scanning the soldiers silently and standing in place at the end.
He stood at attention dutifully, copying the other Quartzes with his arms at his sides, staring straight ahead while he waited. Waited for instructions, for orders to follow. That was his duty.
Because he was a soldier.
He was a soldier, and nothing else.
A/N: I sincerely apologize-