Chapter Twenty-One
Willow greeted the nurses warmly as she made her way through the NICU after taking a brief break to get some lunch.
She felt good as she crossed the room, sharing a smile of solidarity with the other parents as she went by and one of sympathy with the new parents, of which thankfully she wasn't any longer.
Today was a good day.
She'd slept great last night, in sharp contrast to Tara who had spent the wee hours staring up at the ceiling and counting sheep made up of the dark cloud hanging over her that wouldn't seem to leave no matter what she did or what emotional umbrellas she sought shelter under.
"Look at my big girl," Willow gushed as she stood over Emily's incubator and put a hand in to touch her arm, which had enough flesh now that Willow couldn't see the veins lying beneath any more, "Are you going to breathe all on your own today? Are you, koala bear? It's okay if you don't but we'd really love it if you did."
Emily moved her mouth around a little and Willow took that as a sign she was practicing.
"That's my girl."
She lifted her hand and stroked Emily's head but quickly heard tiny noises of protest from a few feet away.
She looked over to Lily squirming in her open crib and quickly splayed her other hand out over Lily's stomach.
"I hear you, I haven't forgotten you," she cooed quietly, "You're the all-seeing, all-gurgling baby since you got out of that incubator."
Lily kicked defiantly and Willow smiled.
"Where's your Mommy, huh? Did she finally listen and go home to get some sleep? Those bags under her eyes are bigger than your whole heads."
"I just went to the bathroom," Tara's voice came from behind and Willow came close to toppling the incubator when she jumped, "And thanks."
"Jeez!" Willow replied, catching her breath, "Don't sneak up on me like that when I'm handling baby at both ends."
"Don't tire Emily out," Tara replied quietly, "She needs all of her strength."
Willow withdrew her hand from Emily's incubator and looked over her shoulder back at Tara contritely.
"I-I didn't mean—"
"The doctors are coming," Tara interrupted without meeting Willow's gaze.
Willow looked up and spotted the team weaving through the NICU toward them. It never ceased to be an intimidating sight, no matter who it comprised of. Today it was a woman and a man in white coats, flanked by Genevieve and a second nurse.
Willow moved to stand beside Tara, putting an arm around her shoulders to support her. Tara was too tired to argue, and as long as she kept her eyes open and out of the darker recesses of her mind, it was actually quite pleasant. A moment of connection that had been so hard to find anywhere while lost in her own void.
She was a half-second away from leaning into Willow when suddenly the doctors and nurses all turned toward them and she had to focus back on what was happening.
"Moms, any concerns?"
All at once, Tara had to break away and step forward.
"Her stomach is slightly swollen."
"Probably the air caught in there from the C-PAP," the woman doctor mused and looked toward Genevieve, "That shouldn't be a problem once she's off the C-PAP machine. Let's remove it manually before we begin, for her comfort."
Genevieve and the younger male doctor went about attaching an empty syringe to one of the tubes coming from Emily. Neither Willow nor Tara really saw much of the procedure as the attending doctor stood in front of them to talk them through how the next few minutes would go as they tried to get Emily breathing without assistance.
They knew the routine.
All previous attempts up to this had been an immediate failure.
Finally, they stood back enough to let the professionals get on with their work. Willow retook her position holding Tara.
They were both shaking.
Everything felt so still and quiet with the background NICU noise just continuing on as if something momentous wasn't occurring. It didn't take long at all for Willow and Tara to get a glimpse of Emily not obstructed by people or her perfect little face not obscured by that big mask that had been helping her breath up to now.
Tara clutched Willow, who held her tighter as the seconds ticked by, agonizingly slowly this time. It was a real rollercoaster of emotions and they both felt resulting nausea.
That stillness came upon them again where everyone seemed to be holding their breath. So too, it seemed, was Emily, as the silence was broken by several of the machines beginning to beep loudly.
Willow took a step forward and looked down at Emily from above.
"Come on baby girl, you can do it."
Both Willow and Tara tried to delicately rub her feet to stimulate her, as they had every other time, trying to ignore the pain of watching their daughter's lips turn blue.
"Sats are dropping," the second nurse advised.
They waited again, then the attending shook her head.
"We need to go back in."
"Wait," Genevieve cut in and the doctor looked over at her sharply.
"Nurse Fletcher, you know I value your opinion but we need—"
Suddenly, Genevieve turned to Lily's little crib and lifted her right out. Lily seemed excited to have some movement and gave tiny, little kicks to show it.
Willow and Tara were completely taken aback and were only more stunned as they watched Genevieve place Lily in the incubator alongside Emily. Just moments later, the brash beeping returned to the regular, steady sound that had become synonymous with this place.
Lily's more mobile fist rubbed against Emily's arm and then their little fingers clutched each other.
"She's stabilizing," the younger doctor said in surprise.
The attending looked at Genevieve with a look between an arched eyebrow and a blooming grin and started to gently examine Emily with her stethoscope.
"T-thank you," Tara swallowed deeply as she looked at Genevieve.
"Just a hunch," Genevieve replied softly, "We'll have to keep monitoring her closely, but every step forward is a positive one. Even if she has to go back on the machine, every bit she does on her own is good. This is a great step."
Willow nodded gratefully and squeezed Tara with tears in her eyes.
"Look at our girls together, Tara."
"I see them," Tara echoed softly.
They stood there just staring downward, watching their two little girls interact with each other for the first time since leaving the womb.
At some point, Genevieve came up beside them again.
"I just discussed it with the doctor and if Emily keeps her sats up we can try her with kangaroo care later today."
Tara's face suddenly fell.
"Sh-She hasn't liked being moved before now," she said, her whole jaw tensing, then trembling, "Her heart rate dropped out every time we tried."
"We know, but today is another triumph in a long list of stabilizations for her," Genevieve advised softly, "It will be supervised, if she's at all distressed we'll settle her. The sooner we can get that going, the better."
Tara's eyes filled with tears and she looked down.
"I don't want her to have to go back on the machine."
"But if she could tolerate it, that would help her stay off the machine," Willow said with a sure nod, "Your skin to keep her warm, your heartbeat to steady hers. Look how much it's helped Lily."
She held Tara's arm softly.
"We can hold them together."
Tara slowly nodded.
"J-Just give her a chance to get used to this breathing thing."
"Give them a chance to get used to each other," Willow replied with a soft smile, "I bet they've missed each other."
She looked back down at her two girls wiggling in each other's proximity with some gurgles from Lily and teeny, tiny quiet lip smacks from Emily.
"They look like they're having a good chat."
Tara looked down at the sight and smiled properly for the first time in a while.
"They look perfect."
Tara tried to gently guide Emily's tiny mouth to her nipple and tried not to feel the crushing weight of defeat when she was refused yet again.
"Come on, sweetheart. Just try it out. You like my milk. You have it every day."
She expressed some onto her fingers and brushed her lips with it, but that only made Emily refuse her more and seek out her bottle. Tara sighed and relented, picking up the bottle on standby and settled back on the chair to feed it to Emily.
A few minutes later, Willow returned carrying Lily on her shoulder, looking proud as punch.
"How did it go?" Tara asked, lifting her gaze to them.
"Aced her hearing test, that's my girl," Willow replied proudly as she kissed Lily's head before settling her back in her bed, where a little Christmas angel had been stuck next to her name.
She wiggled Lily's belly — like a big bowl of jelly, she thought to herself — and watched as her daughter gave something close to a smile. She was just on the brink of it, Willow was sure.
She turned back to Tara and Emily, who was gustily sucking down her bottle.
"Look at her go. She's sure got this catching up thing down!"
"I-It's great," Tara replied with little enthusiasm.
It was great, honestly, that she was feeding by mouth at all but Willow knew Tara was disappointed she hadn't been able to start breastfeeding yet.
She sat down on the feeding couch beside Tara and rubbed her back in circles.
"She'll get the breastfeeding thing soon. She's just so busy catching up on everything else. Have you seen how she's maintaining the heck out of her temperature during feeds? And all that weight gain from the bottles!"
Tara pressed a warm baby cheek against her breast and looked down sadly.
"Lily just caught on so quickly."
"I know but she's a different baby," Willow reasoned.
"I know that," Tara returned harshly, then swallowed and looked down again, "Sorry."
She'd been saying that a lot lately. Willow tried not to add to her obvious stress by doing anything but nod silently in response.
"Want me to burp her?"
Tara just nodded back and finished up the bottle before carefully passing Emily over to Willow and turned to cover herself up. She gently cupped Emily's head and kissed her tuft of soft, red hair; a novelty and privilege she didn't take for granted.
She left Willow to do the burping and walked the few feet to her other daughter's bed.
"Hi Lily," she cooed and Lily cooed a little back.
She grabbed Tara's finger and for a whole second Tara experienced bliss.
The next time she looked away from her wiggling daughter was only when her presence was summoned as Genevieve came over to their little corner of the NICU that had become their second home.
"Great, I was hoping to catch you both together," she said with a winning smile, "We had our multidisciplinary meeting and we're hoping your girls might be home for Christmas."
She paused and glanced at the little dreidel adorned to Emily's name on her crib, smiling some more.
"And Hanukkah."
"Really?" Willow's eyes bugged and only Emily fussing reminded her of what she was doing. She stood and brought Emily back to her crib so she could stand by Genevieve and Tara.
"W-what?" Tara asked in surprise.
That wasn't news she was expecting.
"They're really doing well and are on track to pass all of the standard tests we've been conducting with over the past few days. The last thing we need them both to complete something called the car seat challenge," Genevieve explained, "They just need to sit in a car seat for a while so we can monitor them for any apnea, bradycardia, or oxygen desaturation and be sure they're safe to travel home."
"When can we do that?" Willow asked eagerly.
Before Genevieve could answer, there was a shrill bleeping to their left and all of their attention was drawn over there. Tara crossed the small space first and gasped as she took in Emily's appearance.
"She's going blue!"
Willow was by her side in a millisecond and went into action mode. It had been a while, but she remembered what to do. She rubbed Emily's foot and in just seconds Emily responded to the stimulation and took in a breath, making her sats rise quickly.
"She just forgot to breathe for a second," Willow exhaled through a breath, "She just forgot. She's still little."
Tara's hand came up to cover her own eyes.
"She's not going to come home with Lily now," the crying evident in her tone if not on her face.
"But she will come home," Willow replied softly but as soon as she tried to touch Tara's shoulder, she was shrugged off and Tara turned away.
"I-I need to use the restroom."
"Tara—" Willow started to apologize or reassure, even she didn't know, but Tara just kept walking.
Genevieve hung back until she was gone. She checked Emily quietly and looked over at Willow.
"This isn't catastrophic. This is still quite normal in preemies to experience momentary destabilizations, even when it's very intermittent. You did the exact right thing. You reacted quicker than I did. And you were also right, she just forgot for a moment. Nothing more serious than that."
Willow just nodded sadly and Genevieve looked sympathetic. After a moment, she continued talking while busying herself between both Lily and Emily.
"Do you have extra support at home?"
"Yeah, we do," Willow nodded, feeling her whole heartbeat return to normal as Emily's hand curled around her finger, "Everyone is being fantastic. Taking care of our other kids and helping with meals and stuff."
Tara returned then with red but not puffy eyes and Willow slumped in relief.
"Tara," she said, gently lifting her finger so Tara could see Emily holding on tight, "Everything is okay. See?"
Tara swallowed and nodded, then looked contritely between everyone.
"S-Sorry if I was rude."
"You got a fright," Genevieve said gently, "If you think you might benefit from someone to talk to, we have staff available for that."
"I talk to Willow," Tara brushed her off, untruthfully.
Genevieve turned them ever-so-slightly toward the other bed so they had a little bit more privacy.
"Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger."
Tara bristled and made about checking Lily's diaper.
"I don't have time. The babies need me."
Genevieve backed off and with a slight bow of her head.
"The offer is open."
Tara just nodded and changed the clean diaper so she wouldn't have to look up until the nurse was gone.
Willow rolled back and forth on her heels as she looked on excitedly as Lily was prepped for her car seat test.
"I feel like holding a sign up saying 'Go Lily' and waving it above my head."
"It will be a long two hours if you do that," Tara replied and Willow smiled curiously because that kind of sounded like a joke, something scarce from her wife's mouth lately.
She chose to believe it was.
Little electrodes were placed on Lily's chest but she took it all in her stride, used to things being placed and pulled from her.
"Good girl," Tara comforted quietly from nearby.
A little sensor was placed on Lily's foot and she was strapped into the car seat. She wiggled around and got used to being in this new position, but didn't cry or seem uncomfortable.
"So now we just…wait?" Willow asked a bit dumbly after a second.
"Now, we wait," Tara exhaled a long breath.
And so they waited and watched the nurse watch Lily. Lily didn't care for any of their gazes and fell asleep pretty quickly.
Willow opened her mouth to speak a few times, but thought better of it and tried to count down the minutes instead.
It startled them both when the nurse finally stood and they both hovered close as Lily was de-probed and returned to her bassinet. She did fuss this time and Tara went to soothe her.
Willow hovered over the nurse, dangerous close to entering his personal space until he finally turned with a smile.
"She did as well as can be. Maintained all of her vitals as we hoped."
"Yeah!" Willow replied, victory punching the air and rushing over to wiggle Lily's belly, "You did it, baby girl!"
Tara's heart was racing but she wasn't sure it was in the same way as Willow's.
She did her best to smile.
Willow watched Tara gnaw on the corner of her thumb while Willow tried to change Lily into new clothes.
"Tara, this is a good thing. It's an amazing day."
She smoothed the little gown down Lily's body and picked her up to show Tara.
"Look how pretty she looks in royal blue," she said and held Lily in the crook of her arm, "Not that you should base any of your value on looks, but you really do look so cute. Yes, you do. Yes, you do."
She tickled Lily and that smile threatened itself on Lily's face again.
"Let's get you to your ceremony, little miss."
She nodded for Tara to follow her and Tara secured the blanket holding Emily to her chest better so she wouldn't flash the whole NICU with her movements. Emily was sleeping soundly in there and feeling her little breaths against her breast was something of a comfort to Tara. Even if the baby wouldn't feed from her still, which frustrated and upset her each time they tried.
They walked to a small treatment room that had been decorated like a graduation ceremony, complete with little podium and chairs set up with some of the other families of the unit already sitting with happy smiles for them.
Willow gave little, grateful waves to them for showing up and proudly showed off Lily in her little graduation gown and hat that Willow had maybe, possibly, specifically bought online for the occasion.
One parent pressed play on an old CD player and the opening notes of The Graduation March began playing.
"Walk with me," Willow whispered to Tara with a smile.
Tara kept her head down.
"You just do it."
Willow frowned for a moment but fixed a smile back on her face as she walked Lily down the aisle, up to the little podium where Genevieve was waiting. The nurse couldn't help but smile too at Lily's little rigout. She did these little ceremonies weekly but this was the first time she'd seen a baby come toward her in a cap and gown.
She nodded diplomatically as they got to her and the music was stopped.
"Today is a special day. Today, at 7 weeks and 5 days old, Lily Lisa Rosenberg-Maclay is graduating from the Mercy Hope Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and is going home to her family."
There was a quiet clap so as not to startle either baby; just the tips of fingers against tips of fingers.
"Lily is a very special little girl. Not just a daughter, but a blessing."
Willow pressed a kiss to the top of Lily's head.
"Not just a sister, but a twin."
Tara held Emily closer to her and swallowed deeply.
"And not just a baby, but a fighter."
Another little clap rang out.
"Today she returns with her mothers to their home with their big brother Jacob, their big sister Robyn and their fur brother Woofy."
There was a little chuckle but Tara's eyes were downcast.
"We all await the day very soon that her twin Emily will join them."
Tara closed her eyes so the tears wouldn't be visible.
The ceremony finished and Willow moved Lily's little tassel to the other side, where Lily scrunched her face up in dissatisfaction at how it tickled her cheek.
A few photos were taken, which Tara managed to stand up for, and then it was all over and they were suddenly faced with the fact that Lily was free to be taken out of there by them for the very first time.
Tara sat back by Emily's bed and rocked her gently on her chest, looking completely and utterly drained.
"Will you let me know you got home safe?"
Willow spun around with Lily in her arms and her little rolled-up diploma/discharge certificate in Willow's mouth as she'd been trying to put Lily down to redress her again.
"Wha…?" she said, muffled, then dropped the diploma from her mouth into the edge of her hand curled under Lily, "Why do I need to let you know? Aren't you coming?"
Tara looked up, exhausted.
"Willow, Emily would be here all alone. Her twin is leaving, I'm not leaving her too."
"Ever?" Willow asked, perplexed.
Tara shifted uncomfortably.
"I can sleep on the feeding couch. I've already checked."
Willow had not been anticipating an affirmation answer to her question.
"Tara, we have three other children."
"Don't you think I know that?" Tara snapped, her tone momentarily betraying her guilt of not being around for JJ and Robyn and now Lily too, with her pain at her utter sense of failure for putting them all in this position, to begin with.
How could Willow not see how she was being torn apart from having to choose?
Her eyes clouded and she retreated into herself with a softer but still pained tone.
"I'm all that she has."
"No, you're not," Willow stated, her words popping with anger, "I'm her mother too."
Tara just continued patting Emily in a steady beat; something she could control; something she could focus on.
"I'm not arguing with you about this."
Willow's eyes twitched and she put Lily back down in her bed and removed her little square graduation hat so she could safely move about while they spoke.
"Well we're arguing about something because this can't go on," she said, turning back to face Tara, "I'm concerned about how you're processing all of—"
Tara looked up sharply.
"Do. Not. Psych. Me."
Willow threw her hands up.
"Psych you?! Tara, it's been a decade, I don't even remember anything from my degree! I'm not psyching you, I'm wifing you!"
They were loud enough now to draw looks from other parents and staff and Tara made her intentions about ceasing the conversation clear by turning her whole body away.
Willow sighed and her neck dropped, dejected.
"Tara—"
Emily let out a little cry.
"Sssh, baby, it's okay," Tara comforted with a rock, "Mommy's here. Mommy's not going anywhere."
Across town, Ira sat patiently as Robyn plastered pink, glittery eye shadow all over his cheeks in the living room of the Rosenberg-Maclay residence while Michelle went around the room, and the rest of the house, cleaning already clean surfaces.
They both stood to attention when they spotted the minivan pulling into the driveway but shared concerned looks when no one was forthcoming.
Ira jumped when his cell phone buzzed in his front pocket and quickly fished it out.
"Willow," he read from the screen right as he answered and lifted the phone to his ear, "Do I not see your car in the driveway?"
"You do," Willow's voice came from the other end, "But I have a little passenger in the back and I need to make sure I'm coming into a quiet house."
"Oh, Michelle, it's happened, she's here," Ira squealed like a little girl, "Turn off the television, quick!"
He grabbed the remote himself and turned it off, which made Robyn stomp her foot grumpily.
"Hey, Ganpy! I-a watch'in that!"
"Robyn, would you like to help me make lunch?" Michelle redirected her quickly.
Robyn looked up with mischievous eyes.
"'Nana bwead?"
"Only if I have my chief banana musher," Michelle smiled and offered a hand.
A much smaller one was slapped into it and she skipped along as Michelle brought her out to the kitchen.
Ira lifted his phone back to his ear.
"All quiet, Willow."
The line went dead and Ira quickly made his way to open the front door for them.
He stopped at the mirror in the hallway to check his tie was straight and then stood at the door to wait.
Willow appeared moments later holding Lily in her arms, wearing a new panda-themed romper to match her hat. She smirked as she saw Ira's face.
"Suits you, Dad."
Ira lifted a hand to his cheek and blushed when it pulled away with the pink glitter on it. He quickly swiped it off with the hanky in his pocket.
"Is it just you here?" Willow asked as she stepped over the threshold.
"Michelle took Robyn into the kitchen so you could come in in peace," Ira replied absently as his hand lifted to touch the baby, but thought better of it and let it drop again.
Willow nodded and stood in the middle of the hall, gently turning Lily so she faced out. The light was nice and dim so it didn't strain her eyes and she had a little eyeball of this new place. She hadn't known anything but the walls of the NICU for weeks…forever as far as she was concerned.
"Well baby girl," Willow said, though she sounded more dejected than such an occasion should elicit, "Lily, this is your home."
She turned back to Ira and offered a smile.
"And this is your Grandpa," she said as she dropped a kiss on Lily's head, who was still just taking in her surroundings, "Or your Zayde. I think he's still holding out hope that one of you will call him that."
Ira crossed his hands over his heart.
"Oh, can I hold her?"
Willow's brow furrowed.
"I don't mean this insultingly, but have you washed your hands?"
"Yes, of course," Ira nodded his head, "I'll go rewash them, just to be sure."
Before Willow could say that it was okay, he was taking the stairs almost two-by-two, as JJ would, though with a slower roll of his hips.
Willow bounced Lily gently in place and wandered into the living room. There was a welcome home sign hanging over the fireplace made by the children the night before with a messily but lovingly drawn lily flower and panda face on it.
Willow sank onto the couch and couldn't help but feel empty inside.
"This is it, panda bear."
Thankfully she wasn't left to her own brooding silence for long as Ira returned and eagerly stood on the spot with his hands out hopefully.
Willow nodded for him to sit down beside her, which he did promptly. Willow gently transferred Lily over to him, who kicked her legs against his hairy arms as they tickled her.
Ira started making cooing faces and gave the gentlest of kisses on top of Lily's brow. Her face scrunched. She wasn't used to stubble.
Ira saw her peering eyes and laughed.
"Oh, she's just like you," he said, holding a finger out for her to hold onto, "She's so alert."
"She looks like a newborn, but she's been around a while," Willow reasoned with a sigh.
Ira spent a few more minutes acquainting himself with Lily, who tolerated it mostly because she liked how his big hands cupped her bottom so fully and made her bounce.
"How are you going to introduce Robyn?" Ira asked as he pulled a funny face that Willow couldn't help but smile at because she'd been pulling the exact same one.
She registered her father's question and sighed again.
"I really thought Tara would be here for this," she muttered under her breath.
Ira's gaze moved away from the baby for the first time since he'd locked eyes on her.
"Is she not coming?"
Willow held up a hand helplessly.
"She won't leave Emily," she said, closing her eyes for a moment while feeling her jaw tense, "I need to bring Robyn in soon before Lil gets fussy and needs a bottle or starts screaming."
"We've been telling her all about hand-washing and practicing it," Ira supplied helpfully, "And she and JJ have been holding her baby doll and asking if they're doing it right. Well, JJ asks and corrects Robyn."
Willow released a slow breath.
"Thank you, Dad," she said, her tone breaking for a moment, "Really. Truly. Without you…"
Ira cradled Lily in one arm and reached out the other to squeezed below Willow's shoulder.
"That is what family are for."
Willow nodded and ducked her head to hide the tears.
She really thought Tara would be here for this.
"Can you hold her for another minute while I go get Robyn?"
"I think I can manage that," Ira replied softly.
Willow stood and looked down at her father staring so adoringly at Lily. It felt such a long time coming and yet so hollow without Emily in the other crook of his arm.
She turned away and walked out to go into the kitchen, where Robyn was sitting on a stool flinging a fork repeatedly into a big, plastic bowl. She didn't look up but Michelle did, excitement evident in her eyes.
"Hi Michelle," Willow greeted with a soft wave and came up to the island, "Robbie. I have someone special for you to meet."
"I busy Mom-ma!" Robyn replied importantly.
Michelle started to take off her apron.
"I think we can take a little break, sweetie."
Robyn threw the fork into the bowl and climbed down before Willow could even try to lift her. She threw her arms upward.
"Haveta wash hands!"
"That's right," Michelle praised, "Will we show your Momma your song?"
Willow watched as Robyn was brought to the sink to soap up her hands. Michelle sang softly for her.
"Wash, wash, wash your hands, soap will make them clean! Scrub the germs 'til they fall off—"
"Germs go down d'dwain!" Robyn finished proudly and waved at the sinkhole, "Bye-bye germies!"
Willow looked at Michelle gratefully and bent down to dry Robyn's hands.
"Do you know who's here?"
Robyn nodded once.
"Wobyn and Gwamma and Mom-ma!"
Willow had to smile at the literalness.
"There's someone else here."
Robyn's eyes shone curiously.
"Mom-mee?"
Willow shook her head.
"Jay-Jay?" Robyn tried again.
"Lily," Willow said softly, "Lily came home to see you. Like we told you. Would you like to say hello?"
"Me wave Lil-lee?" Robyn asked, her feet turning in excitedly.
Willow shook her head.
"No baby, she's here, not behind the window anymore. You can hold her."
She waited a moment for it to sink it before offering her hand.
"Ready to meet your little sister?"
Robyn put her hand in Willow's and let herself be led into the living room. Ira smiled at her warmly as she came in and presented Lily to her.
"Look who's here, Robyn."
Robyn looked up at Willow unsurely, who sat her on the couch next to her grandfather. Robyn poked Lily's foot, who kicked back, making her giggle. Moments later though, Lily began her anticipated fuzzing and then let out a wail.
Robyn's bottom lip started to wobble.
"She no like Wobbie!"
"No, no, that's not true," Willow reassured quickly, "See, sometimes babies just cry. You cried too before you were a big girl."
Robyn didn't look convinced and Willow suddenly had a brain wave.
"She brought you a present!"
She recalled the Before Times, when terms like cyanosis and endotracheal tubes had not yet entered their lexicons; when they were reading normal pregnancy books anticipating a normal pregnancy and had picked out toys for Robyn to be gifted from the babies to ease the transition.
She rushed out of the room and went into the closet in the hall. After a frantic flittering of her eyes around the place, she finally spotted two stuffed toys on a shelf and grabbed one. She hurried back to Robyn, who she knew could go from zero to catastrophic meltdown in moments, and presented it to her while Ira tried to soothe Lily.
Robyn took the little panda bear with a big R on its belly and looked between it and Lily.
"Like Li-lee head," she put together and Willow smiled.
She was glad now she'd bought Panda and Koala stuffed toys for this occasion, way back when; before they ever became nicknames. It was a lack of inspiration on her part at the time, as she happened to glance at the hats while she was online shopping, but now it felt inspired.
"That's right, you match."
Robyn brought the stuffed toy against her chest.
"Tank yoo Lil-lee," she said quietly.
Willow took Lily from Ira, who tried hard not to look distraught at the loss.
She patted Lily the way she knew she liked and brought Robyn onto her lap.
"Why don't we sing her a lullaby?" she suggested, "What does Mommy sing you?"
Robyn sniffled.
"Sunshine."
Willow smiled sadly.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me hap-py when skies are gray," she sang, soft and cheerful as Lily quieted in response, "You'll never know dear, how much I love you, so please don't take my sunshine away."
"'way," Robyn finished with Willow and looked at Lily skeptically.
"See, little bean?" Willow said, "You can pat her head gently."
Robyn brought her hand close to Robyn and Willow helped show her how to touch.
On contact, Lily smiled.
Willow gasped.
She looked between them and felt a tear form in her eye.
"You're a great big sister, Robyn."
Robyn beamed.
"Me gweat big sistah."
"That's right," Willow grinned and nodded.
Robyn suddenly leaped from the couch.
"Ganpy I GWEAT big sistah!"
The sudden movement and noise set Lily off again, but Robyn was too busy hanging out of Ira to care.
Willow looked down at Lily and moved arms as Michelle approached with hers outstretched.
"If you'd like I can…"
Willow had gotten so used to having the babies to herself and Tara; she hadn't anticipated how hard it would be to share them.
"Thank you," she said with a soft swallow, pressing three quick kisses to the side of Lily's head before placing her in her waiting grandmother's arms.
Willow didn't see her again for hours as Ira and Michelle traded her off and dealt with Robyn in the in-between so Willow could sit and just rest, though it didn't feel like resting.
It felt like hard labor by way of thinking.
What did coming home with just one baby really mean?
How did her immediate future look?
She couldn't go to the NICU all day as she had been, she needed to take care of Lily AND Robyn AND JJ and she'd have to care for Lily overnight and was Lily only going to be bottle-fed until Emily could come home and would she only see Tara for minutes a day and what the hell was going on with her wife?
She sat silently, feeling like she was suffocating.
She tuned back into her surroundings when she heard the front door open and then JJ skidded in, dropping his backpack on the floor.
"Are they here, are they here?"
"Hey JJ," Willow said, needing a moment to adjust, "Yeah, honey, Lily is here."
JJ hurried up to Michelle, who had just finished giving her a bottle. He tenderly touched her cheek.
"Hi Lily, it's JJ, do you remember me? I held you in the room with all the windows. I'm your big brother."
"And me GWEAT big sistah!" Robyn added on from where she was playing with her panda bear toy on the floor.
JJ shook Lily's little hand and she curled it around her finger. JJ beamed and looked around the room, then over at Willow.
"Where's Emily?"
Willow leaned forward on her arms.
"Remember we talked about how Emily has to stay another little while in the hospital?"
JJ looked grief-stricken.
"You said 'maybe'."
"Well 'maybe' is 'really' now," Willow replied sympathetically, "But—"
JJ suddenly burst into tears, surprising everyone.
"Where's Mommy?"
Ira quickly started moving Robyn along the floor.
"Robyn, darling, show me that little bear you have there. Let's make him a snack, yes?"
"Is pan-dah, Ganpy! Eat leaves!"
Michelle stood with Lily to follow them and left Willow with JJ, whom she pulled into her arms.
"Sweetheart."
"Is it my fault?" JJ sobbed, "Did I do something wrong?"
Willow shook her head.
"No, Jakey, it's not—"
JJ hiccupped loudly.
"I was a good boy and I listened and I helped with Robbie and—"
Willow stopped and reached out to hold JJ's face in his hands.
"Oh honey," she said softly, "Did you think you had to do everything right or the babies wouldn't come home?"
JJ's eyes creased and he nodded.
Willow's eyes closed but she avoiding letting any of the tears threatening to fall spill out
"You are not responsible for this. The babies…it's out of everyone's hands, even mine. Even Mommy's."
JJ sniffled and Willow had heard that sound too many times from too many people that she loved that day.
"Even God's?"
"That might be a question better suited to your grandfather," Willow reasoned slightly helplessly and moved to squeeze JJ's shoulders, "You don't have to worry about any of this, okay? Everything will be alright. And our whole family will be together soon."
JJ looked at Willow with sunken, vulnerable eyes.
"Promise?"
"I promise," Willow replied emphatically.
She wiped his eyes with her thumbs and kissed his forehead.
"You okay?"
JJ nodded and fell into Willow's arms for another hug.
"Everything is okay, buddy."
A minute or so into the embrace, the door opened a crack and a ringing phone sound came through.
"Willow, sweetheart?" Ira said through the crack, "Tara is calling. It's the second time."
Willow's eyes widened and she jumped up to grab the phone from him.
As she ran off to answer, JJ scuffed his shoe against the floor.
"Gramps, can I talk to you?"
Ira smiled softly.
"Let me give your grandmother the baby."
"I-I could hold her," JJ offered quickly, then added on shyly, "I'm allowed."
Ira smiled some more and brought Lily in for JJ to hold.
Just a few minutes later, Willow came in like a hurricane, gathering up her things.
Cognizant of JJ sitting beside him but also noting he was completely absorbed in his baby sister and all smiles again, Ira cleared his throat.
"Willow, is everything alright?"
"I have to go to the hospital," Willow answered quickly as she looked around desperately for the phone she was holding in her hand.
Ira stood sharply and strode over to Willow.
"What's wrong?" he asked gravely.
Willow looked up with the same sunken, vulnerable face that JJ had looked at her minutes before.
"I don't know. Tara was hysterical, I couldn't understand a word she was saying."
To his credit, Ira remained strong for her.
"You go. We'll take care of the children."
"Lily needs another bottle in an hour and she doesn't like getting her diaper changed so you have to be quick and there's a pacifier in the diaper bag but we're really trying to avoid using them if possible because it's been such a hassle getting Robyn off it but—"
"Go, darling," Ira interrupted gently.
Willow stopped, nodded once, and made a beeline for the car. On the doorstep, she met someone about to knock.
"Hi Rose, bye Rose! Door's open!"
She sped off as a Willow-tornado and was in the car and out of the driveway in thirty seconds.
Rose watched her go, a little startled, and finally turned herself around again. She moved the dishes in her arms to one side and put her hand on the door to push it open and walk inside.
"Hello?"
She stepped in and closed the door behind her just as Michelle's head popped out from the doorway.
She looked confused for a moment then moved a hand over her heart, looking like she'd seen a ghost.
"Rose McAllister as I live and breathe," she said as she stepped forward and a smile bloomed on her face, "Tara told me you had reconnected but I haven't seen you since…"
Rose ducked her head for a moment.
"It's been a long time."
She let the moment pass as quickly as it came.
"Tara mentioned Lily was coming home today," she explained and held up the two dishes in her hands, "I thought she might find it hard to leave Emily. I just brought some meals so they wouldn't have to worry about cooking. Is everything okay? I just saw Willow running out of here."
"We're not sure exactly," Michelle answered cagily, "But I'm sure everything is okay. Thank you for bringing the food."
She took the dishes from Rose and smiled again.
"Would you like to meet the baby?"
"Not if it's an imposition," Rose replied courteously.
Michelle just nodded her head to invite her further into the house and dropped the dishes off in the kitchen before bringing her to the living room.
"Hi Rose," JJ said eagerly as he looked up, "This is my baby sister. Her name is Lily."
"Hello JJ," Rose said as she perched on the side of the chair next to him and smiled as Lily slept, "She's beautiful."
"Oh, you already know each other?" Michelle asked cheerily.
JJ nodded.
"Yeah, Rose is Grandma Lisa's wife."
Michelle smiled and put a hand on JJ's back.
"Oh no, sweetheart, you're confused."
"Nuh-uh!" JJ replied indignantly.
Michelle's brow furrowed and Rose inhaled a long, slow breath as she met her gaze.
"We should have a chat."
An hour or so later, JJ had lost some affection for big brotherhood when confronted with helping change his first diaper, Ira was dreaming about two fingers of Macallan 18 and some peace and quiet and Rose had left with promises to return after the holidays, leaving Michelle sitting very still and quiet with a slightly shocked look on her face
The front door opened and nobody really reacted except Ira who braced for a door slam that would wake Lily, which thankfully didn't happen.
This all changed when Willow appeared in the doorway. Ira sat up sharply and Michelle looked over with a gasp, suddenly remembering why they'd been landed with babysitting duties to begin with.
"Willow, what's happened?"
Willow just smiled.
"Look who we have…"
She stepped aside and Tara was there with Emily on her chest. Both Ira and Michelle gasped.
"Mom-mee!" Robyn yelled excitedly and Emily made some noises in response.
"Mom," JJ said, rolling up onto his feet and hurrying over, "Is that Emily?"
Tara nodded and bent down so JJ could see her. She was like Lily but smaller, he thought.
"I thought she wasn't coming home 'til later."
"It's a Chrismukkah miracle," Willow grinned.
"Oh, a miracle indeed," Ira said, covering his mouth with his hands as he approached with Lily and took a good look at Emily, "What beautiful darling girls. Home safe."
"She just has to wear this monitor to keep track of her heart and breathing but she's home," Willow said, motioning to a little cuff around her ankle "But we're home. We're finally home."
Ira looked like he might cry.
"Oh, congratulations. This calls for a toast. I have a bottle in the car!"
Willow took Lily and she and Tara made their way to the couch so they could sit with the kids together as a whole family for the first time.
Michelle went to get glasses and pour the kids some juice so they could participate.
On the couch, Robyn and JJ crawled either side of their mothers and peered at their new baby sisters.
"What do you think?" Tara asked Robyn as she helped her caress Emily's face.
Robyn smiled with stars in her eyes.
"I think me gweat big sistah."
Tara kissed her forehead.
"The best."
Ira and Michelle returned and handed the glasses of red wine and grape juice.
"To home," Ira submitted cordially.
"To home," Willow and Michelle returned with Tara saying it quickly behind them.
As they clinked glasses, Woofy joined in on the toast and howled.
JJ jumped up to take the set of doggy antlers from under the tree to put on him.
"It's barkmas!"
Everyone laughed and the dull, exhausting energy of old was completely expelled for new excitement.
While JJ ran around after Woofy, who kept coming over to cautiously sniff a baby foot before retreating again. Finally, he licked Lily's foot and JJ called him away but Lily didn't cry, she made her little scrunchy almost-smile face again.
Willow caught it and lit up with the memory of the real one. She leaned into Tara.
"Lily smiled."
Tara's face jumped to attention and she looked down at Lily, who was going off to sleep again.
"W-what?"
"At Robyn, earlier," Willow said as she took a sip of wine that tasted like heaven after not being allowed any so she could be on call to go to the hospital, "It was the cutest thing."
"A-are you sure?" Tara asked with a gulp, "She's still very young."
"Definitely," Willow grinned, then cocked her head at the look on Tara's face, "Are you okay?"
Tara turned away and nodded quietly.
"Of course."
Willow frowned.
"Did I upset you—"
"No," Tara interrupted, not able to bear the guilt pressing down at the concept of ruining this moment for them, "No, everything is great."
She nodded again as if to convince herself.
They were finally home and things could finally get back to normal.
She hoped.