Hello everyone. I'm really hoping you enjoy this one. It's Rachel's perspective of everything that happened before Jesse went back to New York. I do Part 3 should be up shortly, i hope. Enjoy. :))
Rachel was inside her apartment. She had a lot of practice to catch up on, but the only thing she could think about at the moment was this person. This wonderful person that had entered her life for good her sophomore year of high school. And no matter how much she tried to get rid of him, she always failed miserably.
The truth was that ever since she found that note in the infamous wedding invitation, she had been torn. That note reminded her that she still had that option open and ready to take her in. But she wasn't sure.
Now she waited silently and uneasy for Finn to arrive.
Burt had explained over the phone that he would go to New York to visit Kurt, and that Finn would tag along for some "unfinished business" he had there. Even Burt laughed a little when he repeated it to Kurt. Sometimes Finn could be a little too much and tad oblivious of it. Rachel used to like that about him, thought it to be confidence. Now she didn't exactly knew how she felt about it.
She frowned and bit her lip from the inside. She was obviously anxious about his arrival. Kurt had suggested she stepped out for awhile if she wanted. He could make some excuse about her absence and she could gladly avoid seeing Finn for the rest of the weekend. She said no. She needed to see him, and once and for all put her mind and her heart at ease.
This was the iron test for her. She needed to make sure of what she felt when she saw Finn. Even after all that had happened in the past months, she needed to see what was real and what wasn't. Maybe something remotely close as to what she felt when she saw Jesse after years or months apart. Those butterflies and that inexplicable urge to smile. And the anticipation was killing her.
"You're gonna burn holes through that door." Kurt whispered to her. "They won't be here for another half an hour or so. Calm down."
"I was thinking..." she stopped herself. Nothing could be worse than to voice her thoughts out loud now. When at any minute the subject of those could walk right in.
"Yes?" Kurt was looking at her very intently now. She could see his worry all over his face. "Tell me."
"Jesse hasn't texted yet." She told him. "And this thing with Finn...if I said yes it could be very definitive. Very permanent." She thought out loud. Feeling herself just let go of the words easily.
"It could be." Kurt nodded.
"But then, how would it work? I mean, he's in Ohio, he's rather settled there. And I'm here, living my dream." Her frown deepened as she said this. "And Jesse's here, living his dream as well. I'll have to see him at some point, you know? He's not going to disappear again. New York is just as much his home as it is mine."
Kurt closed his eyes for a moment. Trying to understand where Rachel's train of thought was heading. And as always, he came up short.
"No, Rachel, I don't think you can drive Jesse out of town again. But then again, you haven't really tried that hard." He smirked.
"It's not funny, Kurt." He rolled his eyes at her words.
"I know, Rach. But what do you want me to say? You're obviously still thinking about Jesse. To me, your breakdown over Finn's note was just an excuse to cry over Jesse. You misdirected your emotions. If you try this again with Finn, because lord knows you've tried it enough times, it'll be unfair to every party involved."
Rachel stayed silent afterwards. She wasn't angry, he could tell, she was just thinking. And he knew that she needed time alone. He couldn't help anymore with the matters of her heart.
"Hey...Rach." She felt a poke in her arm. "Rach."
She smiled. Her dream had been all about him. About his smile and his curly hair, his gorgeous blue eyes. And the way he made her feel. She almost didn't want to open her eyes. But he was calling her name.
"Jesse."
"Oh fuck me!" Her eyes were really open now. She could see all the lights were on in her apartment through her privacy sheet. But she didn't spot him anywhere. Now she saw someone had clearly stomped out of her room.
"Finn?" She called out to the tall framed body standing in the middle of her living room. "What-"
"Burt and Kurt went out to dinner. I've been waiting for you to wake up since we got here. About three hours ago. I just...wanted to talk to you." He looked hurt, very much so. "You clearly were thinking of somebody else."
"What are you talking about?" She was very much confused and startled. Her sleepiness momentarily abducting her from reality.
"You called me his name." He stated simply. His voice stony and cold.
"In my sleep?" She scowled deeply. How could he hold that against her?
"I-I don't know. Yes! But you know what? It hurts me that he's all you seem to think about when you're awake, and in your sleep as well. He's got you obsessed."
"Finn, stop being ridiculous, please." She was beginning to get annoyed.
"Rachel, please, you broke up with him for what I'm sure were very valid reasons. Don't screw it up now. It's your time to set free from his claws." Finn insisted. He was very worked up now. His face flushed and his breathing hitched.
"Not that you need to know this. But he broke up with me. And also, it's none of your damn business, Finn. I'm free to be held captive in his claws or whatever nonsense you just said."
"Don't talk to me like that, Rachel." He said, again hurt by the situation. He had never had an argument with this apparently empowered version of Rachel. He thought Jesse St. James had completely defiled his understanding and supportive high school sweetheart, and he couldn't stand it.
Rachel sighed, resigned for the hundredth time in her relationship with Finn. She really didn't know how she used to do it. He had always been like that. Defensive and very conceded. And she just couldn't believe that she had the tiniest urge to apologize to him for her relationship with Jesse. But no, she just about had enough of letting Finn play victim in a story that wasn't even his.
"Finn, what do you want?" She gritted through her teeth, tired and angry of his arguments and tone. "Because seriously, you come here after months of claiming to be my friend and scold me about my choice in a boyfriend?"
"Rachel...it's Jesse. He's the one that has kept us apart from the beginning. And now, he's just having his way with fun new Rachel. He's completely changed who you are. I mean, look at your hair and-and your clothes. You're not this person, Rachel." Finn said this like it was some great prophecy, like he had finally cracked some unsolvable case, and he expected the according reaction to it. Only he wasn't going to get it.
She was startled, and a tiny bit offended by his words. She fought the urge to slap and instead looked into his eyes, defying him somehow to repeat his words to her. She could see too that Finn really believed what he was saying and found nothing wrong with his argument. She tried to calm down and ended up flustered by a sudden recognition, had he always been like this? Borderline controlling and incredibly self-centered? Rachel couldn't believe she had fallen for such an act over and over. Her high school sweetheart had finally shown his true colors, or maybe she had finally taken the blindfold away. But in any event, it ended with the exact same set of words: "I'm not in love with you anymore, Finn. You should make your peace with that."
He was angry and she understood why. He wasn't getting his way with her, and for the first time too. It was liberating of sorts. He sat down at the edge of the ugly flea-market couch they still kept. His knuckles turning white while grabbing onto it, and a scowl Rachel hadn't seen in ages appeared on his face. His mouth was pursed, but in a second it relaxed, she saw.
"I can't, Rachel, believe me I've tried. You just aren't that easy to get over." He smirked wickedly. He found himself amusing. "I kind of get why St. James kept coming back, even after everything."
Rachel gulped, feeling herself softening at his words and sincerely feeling bad for her ex-boyfriend. She knew it had to be said, even when it surely would hurt Finn. And still, when he calmed down, he looked resigned and battered. Rachel understood, he had made her feel the same a few times over the years. She was angry, of course, but her nature had always been nurturing towards Finn, so when she leaned on the couch beside him, it was almost like she had done so on auto-pilot.
"I've told you, Finn, you will always have a spot in my heart. It just...isn't our time." Rachel informed and regretted immediately. Kurt was right, everyone had been right, she always left the door slightly ajar for Finn. And after all, she couldn't blame him for getting the wrong idea. All those phone calls they had made over the months, and the slightly flirtatious comments he made and she conveniently ignored. It wasn't healthy to keep acting like they were in high school. Like they could keep pretending their on-and-off relationship was healthy and remotely what they wanted, or deserved.
His hand found hers and she found his gaze fixed intently on hers. Rachel, trying to find her calm with the situation, stared at their hands, together and so very confusing. It was like she was getting this deja vu feeling, only this once, it made her stomach feel bad for just a second. She almost didn't notice when Finn started talking again.
"I know you think you're in love with him, Rachel, but I can't just take that and leave." He sighed. "I want to win you back, so that's exactly what I'm gonna do."
The other night Kurt and his father arrived at just the right time, much to Finn's displeasure. She had been saved by the bell. Rachel hadn't known what to say at that moment. But now she realized, that she would've much rather take the band-aid off then and there. Because as she looked up from the floor and to the eyes of her ex, she could see that Finn expected something. They were leaving, and once more Rachel found herself alone with him. Trying to find the right words. It wasn't that she had made a definitive decision to his question, in fact, she was struggling with the answer.
It had been a simple: "Will you be my date to the wedding?" And she hadn't been in her right mind to refuse. Weddings and lovey-dovey stuff combined with Finn weren't a good idea. She realized that not so long ago, she had been ready to marry him. She had been ready to give up on a lot of things, she had found comfort in the idea of a future with Finn when she thought her dream had slipped away from her fingers. She knew instantly, she had used Finn as a back-up plan for a while there. Nonetheless, she knew her feelings for him had been true enough, but she didn't know about how right they had been. How real.
In present, Finn mutters something she's unable to hear. She decides to just smile and act like she had heard him. It felt odd to be like this with him. She remembered the small letter inside the invitation for her former teacher's wedding. And Santana. And all their fighting before they broke up, and all the fighting it led to after. It nearly didn't seem worth it. She didn't want any more unnecessary angst in her life, and whether it was Finn or Jesse who brought it to her, she didn't really care.
Rachel decides that the only thing that could possibly grant her her wish for calmness, was to make a decision. Final and incorruptible.
"So, what do you say, Rach? It's just one night." He smiles sweetly at her. Adoring and everything she would never be able to overlook. He took her hands in his, squeezing them softly. "That's all I need to win you back."
She looked down to her feet and let out sigh. Both anxious and melancholic, Rachel feels the pressure. This is what she meant when she talked to Kurt before Finn arrived. Everything she said to Finn would be definitive, it would be much like making a promise with every word she spoke that wasn't washed up by anger. And in all honesty, she sometimes wished she still had it as easy with Finn, where it was safe and they both were slightly submissive.
"Finn, you know that there's a safe possibility this may not work out, right?" She warned, a part of her expecting him to open his eyes to reality.
"I know it will, Rach."
She wondered how long it would take before she regretted saying: "Fine. I'll be your date."
Possibly the text she got from Jesse 24 hours later would do the trick.
We need to talk. Call me when you can.
She read it with as much nonchalantness as she could gather. Because the funny thing about her relationship with Jesse was that, although they were both adults now (or something like that), she sometimes had to stop herself from going all high school on him. It was just a text, she told herself, with no implications whatsoever. But then, she recalled, that nothing was ever so simple and breezy with Jesse St. James.
She told Kurt about the message after they discussed his dad and Finn. He said his dad was as good as could be expected, but didn't dive too much in the subject, which Rachel took as a hint he didn't want to talk about it. So they moved onto Finn. Her best friend, after laughing briefly at her experience,rolled his eyes at Rachel's recollection of events with her ex. He could see right through her, Rachel knew this.
"Sweetie, you told me you weren't making any big decisions." She didn't say anything, just looked away, like she just had been scolded. "Look, I'm not saying that being his date for a wedding is a big deal. Because it really isn't. The problem is that Finn will make it up to be one."
"I know that." She admitted.
"See, I'm not picking any teams here, Rachel, but...are you sure Finn is the right pick to make?"
Rachel was, indeed, very surprised to hear those words come out of Kurt's mouth. Finn was his step-brother and she knew he cared for him. And she also knew Jesse wasn't his favorite person, past and present events included in the consideration. And with this, she realized her best friend was just looking out for her, no ulterior motives. Like there ever was any doubt.
"I'm not sure, maybe I'll never be sure that the decision I make is one hundred percent the right one. But I just figure that not making one is the thing that always gets in the way of me being happy." She said this with conviction, she did believe what she was saying. Still, something in her heart ached at the possibility of letting one of these boys go. And the fact of the matter was, that she just couldn't keep playing with them, even if she hadn't meant to.
Kurt nodded slightly, he wasn't sure he agreed. He knew what the right choice was, but he wasn't going to get in the middle of her process. Instead, he only reminded her: "What are you going to say to Jesse?"
Her face faltered for a second, she would have to let him know about her inevitable reunion with Finn, platonic or not. And explain, what she couldn't explain to herself. But she had to call him, she owed him a conversation, to say the least.
"I don't know exactly. I'll get there."
And after a few more words with Kurt, they went to bed, rather early. She took a few deep breaths and settled on her phone. His name and phone number staring back at her. The little heart following his last name had been a little addition that made her smile. It had been that easy for her to get a flutter on her stomach. She pressed dial and quickly put the phone to her ear. Hearing the anticipatory beeps made her hands sweaty. She regretted not having a speech prepared.
Her mind couldn't keep still, what was she calling to say? That she practically wanted him to compete against Finn? Again. He had told her to be certain about her feelings, though she knew he didn't exactly urged her to date her ex in order to find out who had a hold to her heart. But the Jesse she knew was confident, she kind of hated that he couldn't be that way about her. But in the last days or so, she had come to realize that she had given him causes to doubt her and their relationship.
The wait seemed eternal, but finally he picked up. There was a lot of noise in the background and she only heard bits and pieces of his voice, as if scattered around in various conversations. She heard him laugh, it was only a few more seconds before he addressed her with a simple: "Hello?"
"Jesse? It's Rachel." She didn't think she'd have to identify herself, but judging by the laughs and music, she assumed it to be a party, so she saw it fit.
"Rach, hey, I'm sorry. Just wait a second." He didn't sound drunk, but she really couldn't be sure of it. There was another roaring mumble of words and finally, she heard some peace and quiet. "Hi. Just had to get away from all that."
She smiled in spite of herself at hearing his voice. It was simple for a second to forget she was no longer talking to her boyfriend, or even her friend. But she couldn't get rid of the easiness of listening to him and responding without even thinking about what she said twice.
"How's California?" She questioned, trying to appear practically indifferent. But she couldn't help herself, thinking about him and his previous friends, previous girlfriends.
"It's great. I really didn't know how much I'd missed it all. I was only here for a few months back when, but I'm enjoying it." He did sound happy, and now she was sure he wasn't drunk, if only a little tipsy.
"That's great." She replied.
"How's New York? What've I missed?" His question was casual, much like hers had been. But Rachel suddenly found it loaded, because she knew that however she explained this, he wasn't going to be happy about it.
"Well, there's actually something...it's, see..." she was about to back off, knowing she wasn't as articulate as she would've liked to even attempt to tell him the truth. Then she heard him chuckle into the phone.
"I know Finn went to see you." He revealed. Her eyes furrowed in confusion, and before she could make any assumptions, he kept going. "Santana informed me, via twitter. Alongside some nasty commentary about my personality." He paused to laugh light-heartedly. "She's a sweetheart, isn't she?" He said sarcastically.
Even with the half-assed information about his source, Rachel still didn't understand anything about his response. He sounded fine, even a little bit amused by the situation. Rachel struggled for the right question to blurt out.
"So, you're okay with it?" He didn't reply immediately, in fact there was a considerably long silence, but she didn't dare say another word.
"Okay with what exactly?" This time his tone had become more serious.
"Finn coming to visit?" It was simple enough in her mind. She heard him grunt slightly, and threw in another forced chuckle. Rachel knew him well enough to know he was struggling not to voice something.
"I think...that's none of my business anymore, Rachel." He stated, his voice light again.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, that's the reason why I wanted you to call me actually." He paused, giving himself courage. "I know we didn't leave things in particularly good terms, but I'm fine now and, I hope we can be friends someday." Even through his apparently cool facade, he sounded a bit pained, and through the end, he even voiced his words slower, as if it was a fight to even get them out.
"Jesse. What are you talking about?" She asked, a hint of warning, to Jesse and herself both. She couldn't understand what he was trying to tell her, or she knew but didn't want to accept it.
"Rachel, I'm with someone else now." She suppressed the need to flinch, she even held herself up and didn't hang up the phone. Jesse kept going, sounding nervous himself as every word and sentence of his story with that girl left his mouth. It didn't sound like an explanation, it sounded like anxious rambling, like the type Jesse usually never indulged in. He was losing his shit too.
"Y-you don't have to keep going." Rachel finally let out in the form of a plead, his prior words lost in her. She didn't want to know more. He sighed, sounding relieved she had said something.
"Rach, I'm so sorry, it just happened. And I didn't hear from you at all, then this morning Santana told me about Finn. I figured, we don't have to keep this shit show going, right?" He cleared his throat, but didn't let her reply. "You're finally happy with Finn again. I have Maddie. We-we can move on. Right?"
She didn't make a noise, but there was that familiar knot in her throat. Realizing she wouldn't be able to say much more, she decided on the most unproblematic possible answer.
"Right. Of course, Jesse."
They cleared a few other words and pleasantries, she didn't know how long they kept talking, once again on auto-pilot. He said he would be staying another week in California, and that he would probably unfollow Santana on twitter too. Then, they finally said goodbye. Rachel let her teary gasp leave her body then.
For the most part, Rachel had been slightly delusional all week long. Kurt could tell. Their conversations were always kind of off since Jesse told her about California. Kurt hadn't dared ask yet about the details of the matter, but he supposed he knew enough. Rachel had been mad at herself for even doubting her feelings for a second. She had told him that it was just a minor slip in her judgement. That that whole note thing from Finn had been a pleasurable and if only a bit convenient escape from the real problem. That is, her various and endless issues with Jesse St. James. She hadn't made clear yet what she would do about Finn and the upcoming wedding, but he supposed that was the furthest thing from her mind at the moment.
Kurt hadn't even seen her smile since she got the call.
"Ugh, the nerve of the guy, to tell her something like that over the phone." He even cringed a little for dramatics. Matt smiled at him nonetheless, he could tell Kurt was maybe even more upset than Rachel about the turn of events. "He even went as far as telling her his entire story with the girl."
"What a jackass." Matt responded offhandedly. He had only met this Jesse dude once, while on Rachel's showcase at NYADA. And he couldn't exactly voice an accurate opinion about him, only that he was extremely good looking. But that was another subject.
"Yes. Exactly." Kurt agreed easily, while he tried to sip his cup of coffee in between outbursts. "I mean, I defended the guy, so many times! I thought he had changed but apparently he's the same St. Jerk I met in high school."
"You went to high school with him?" Matt questioned, his eyes wide. Kurt burst out of his bubble at this. Sometimes he forgot that some people didn't know the story of his life. It was kind of...liberating, maybe a little inconvenient for story telling purposes.
"No, no. Well, only briefly. He transferred for a month or two to spy on our glee club and try to get Rachel to bed." He cleared his throat, even saying it made him recall some bittersweet moments. "He only succeeded in the former."
Matt snickered silently. "And why would Rachel even care if he's dating someone else? Sounds like she dodged a bullet, if you ask me."
Kurt could see how Matt would think that. So far he had only voiced disgusting things about Jesse St. James. All the characteristics that once used to be true, all the things he hated and still did from time to time. But if he was being fair, he had truly seen some change in the guy. And most importantly, he had seen Rachel be happy by his side, regardless of the constant ups and downs. Jesse's relationship with his best friend had been conflicted at best, and some of the details were still lost on Kurt. He knew they weren't exactly dating when Jesse went away to California, and he hadn't exactly had to explain himself to Rachel. But he still sort of did.
"She loves him. And no matter how little I understand that sentiment, I can see why she's so heartbroken."
Rachel got a hold of herself around the time Jesse returned from California. She had had unanswered questions all over. She tried as hard as she could not to think of Jesse and his new relationship status, which he hadn't changed in any social media, but she knew it was coming. She had gotten information on Madeline Solari through Kurt's outstanding abilities to find anyone on the internet. The girl was beautiful, she admitted, she had a couple of pictures with Jesse on Facebook, dated a while back. There was a new one on her instagram, with all the people she remembered competing to in Regionals of 2010. A photo of the legendary vocal adrenaline's last winning seniors. It was unreal, even for her. She found out too that the girl worked in fashion back in California, and had a site where she wrote about designers and such. Rachel didn't know what to think about her, besides the fact that she didn't have much trouble following someone across the country just to mark her territory. A photo she took in Jesse's apartment told her just that.
Next bit of unscrambled information was Santana's apparently omnipresent fountain of knowledge on Rachel's every move. She went straight to the source, suspecting that her former classmate and pseudo-friend would have no trouble telling her the truth. Which she, in fact, did not. She told her Finn had called after only hours of leaving New York, told Santana everything, and thanked her for even attempting to help him out. Santana said, and quoted from Finn that: "We're practically back together." She said she only told Jesse because of her unresolved vendetta from back in junior year. Santana didn't apologize in the least, and Rachel hadn't expected her to.
It had been easy enough to crack everything, except her own perception on the matter. But after moping around for days, she had gathered enough from her own feelings to call Finn and tell him "I'm sorry, but I just can't." And had closed the door to him. Or so she had assumed.
And while she thought she could enjoy a few moments of calm and blankness in NYADA. She was met with the fact that life just couldn't let her. She ran straight into Jesse, who had a fading tan on his skin and an unreadable look on his eyes. But at last, he smiled at her and tugged his bag closer to him. Her heart made her a mess in a second.
"Hi." She muttered.
"Hi."
There was a silence, then they both laughed easily. The awkwardness present but not overwhelming. Jesse asked her for coffee casually, and although she had had a class to get to, weirdly Rachel didn't mind skipping it for a few extra moments with him. They got their coffees and sat down at the bottom of some grand stairs, conveniently deserted.
"I didn't know you were back in town." She lied, taking a sip from her paper cup.
"Yeah, two days ago." He said. "Cassie wasn't static I missed her class for two weeks." She smiled easily at his commentary.
"You know, she doesn't hate me anymore." Jesse's eyes flickered with surprise, he smiled and congratulated her. Said all those days worrying and practicing for her teacher's sake had paid off. He also said Rachel should've never cared so much of what their teacher thought, which had been exactly what got her involved in that mess. She agreed.
"So, how's Finn?"
Rachel wasn't as caught off-guard with the question as she should've been. After all, there was that big elephant in the room they had to get rid of. And, she was glad he had been first to ask, because she had been planning to ask him about his traveling partner as well.
"Wouldn't know." She answered honestly. She saw his face get confused and watched him run his mind through her answer and what it meant. But she continued. "Santana isn't a very trustworthy source sometimes." She told him pointedly.
Jesse remained silent for a few moments. Thinking fiercely and attempting to get to a conclusion. Find the right words to follow through the conversation. He chuckled slightly.
"I see, I'll make a mental note on that one."
"You do that." She smiled and he smiled back at her. The truth was, she wasn't angry. Rachel knew that had she taken a different course of action through many of her issues with Jesse, he might've never looked away from her. And although she didn't find Jesse blameless, she didn't hold it against him to have gone back to someone from his past. She knew what it was like.
Her new resolve however, didn't include being his friend or anything of the sort. She wanted him. She loved him. And she wasn't going to walk away, however long it took. Jesse St. James had gone back to her in the past, he had both fought for her and let her go. She was planning on giving the former a shot. Everything in a relationship had to be reciprocal, she figured, and now it was her turn.
"And Maddie?" She asked, recalling that's what he called her when they talked last over the phone.
"She's..." he tilted his head, considering. "Thinking about moving to New York. Maybe soon." He said cautiously. Rachel bit her lip and nodded. She knew she had a plan and she certainly was against feeling jealous, but hearing it still cut through her.
"That's nice." She paused, looking at her tangled hands. "Is she doing it for you?"
He shook his head and let out a grin. "No, it's for work. Vogue, I've been told." His eyes had been wandering away since she mentioned his girlfriend. It was transparent, he was uncomfortable and fidgety. So, she figured it was as good a time as any to let him know what she intended.
"Jesse." She called and his gaze was promptly set on her. Intense and blue, and beautiful. He looked a bit broken. Rachel understood perfectly.
"Yes?"
"I love you." As she said this she let her hands wander to his, holding them. Rachel's eyes were warm with emotion, she meant it. She knew Jesse was aware of this. Even though his eyes went wide in surprise at her sudden declaration. "Finn is out of the picture, he has been for a long time actually. I just couldn't see it. I was scared. Because-" the words got stuck in her throat for a second, but she kept going. "Being with you has always felt so real, has made me feel more alive than ever. It always has. And it frightened me."
He was surely conflicted to her eyes, his hands were still clasped with hers. He hadn't made any move. He was speechless, amazed. She even swore she saw him smile for a second.
"Rachel, I-"
"I know you're with someone. But I want you, Jesse, and I wanted you to know that. Being with you has always been an inevitability, and I'm not leaving." Rachel finished, but ultimately didn't let him utter a word. She smiled small at him, one of her hands finding his face, she kissed him on the cheek, her lips lingered for a second. Then, she got up and walked away from him.
Jesse watched after her until he couldn't see her anymore. He swore he had never felt both so happy and conflicted in his life.
Thanks for reading :). Leave me your thoughts on this one, it always means a lot.
Stay safe everyone.