Sirius sat on the armchair across from James, who had his arm around Lily on the couch. Sirius and James each sipped a beer while Lily drank her decaffeinated tea with her usual bitterness. They had just gotten Harry down to bed half an hour ago and were enjoying the peace and quiet.

"The things I do for love!" had became the catchcry of her deprivation. "First pregnancy, now breastfeeding, it never ends. If Harry doesn't love me more than you when he grows up, I'll sue for pain and suffering, I swear it," she joked to James.

"Obviously he's going to love me the most," Sirius chimed in.

"At least if Dumbledore makes me leave work, I'll have more time to win Harry over to my side," James said.

"Honestly, I don't know what you're complaining about. I've been stuck inside for ages and only gone half out of my mind, you'll be fine. It's a miracle you've been able to keep working this long. You're Moody's little protégé, but even he has to see that the Auror offices could be just as compromised as everywhere else, what with the spy," said Lily. "Constant vigilance, and all that."

"It's different for you. You can still work on your potions and do your research from home to a certain degree. What am I meant to do, hunt dark wizards from my living room?"

"You aren't allowed to leave the office, Prongs, who the hell are you hunting? Face it, you're a paper pusher," Sirius pointed out.

James let out an exasperated sigh. "I know they're going to bench me soon, just let me enjoy it while I can. Though I suppose there are worse fates than being locked in a house with my incredible wife and our perfect son," he said, giving Lily a kiss on the top of her head.

Sirius had been spending a lot of his evenings with James. Things were better between him and Remus, in that there was a less fighting, but that was mostly because they'd fallen back into the habit of not talking to each other. He knew that this time it was largely his fault. He tried to be calm, he really did, but any tiny thing would set him off and he was still just so angry at Remus that it was easiest just to take it all out on him.

No matter how much his partner walked on eggshells around him, tried to placate him, he just couldn't stop himself. Aside from his return to his missions, which really only served to compound Sirius' fear, Remus had been spending most of his time at the flat. The only time he went out was for to see their mutual friends, and he always made a point of letting Sirius know where he'd been. It was what Sirius wanted. Except what he actually wanted was to just trust him in the first place without needing the updates, so it all just infuriated him more.

"So how is Remus?" Lily asked as if she'd been reading his mind.

She was usually pretty good about leaving that topic alone. She'd well and truly learned in the two months since The Incident not to hassle Sirius about it unless she wanted to deal with him being a belligerent jerk. Still, Harry had been put to bed and the mood of the night had been open and thoughtful, so Lily tried her luck.

"You'd probably know better than me these days given how much time you spend together," he said to Lily. "I got James in the divorce and he got you," Sirius joked.

James laughed at that, prompting Lily to extricate herself from under his arm and shoot him a glare.

"Except I'm here talking to you right now, Sirius, whereas James can't be in the same room as Remus for more than two seconds without making an ass of himself," she chastised.

James looked a little guilty at that. Sirius appreciated how much James had rallied behind him. Peter too. It made him feel justified in his anger, but the truth is he also felt awful. He knew how much it was hurting Remus to feel cut off from his friends, and that it was petty and cruel. They'd get over it eventually and all be the Marauders again, he was sure. In the meantime, though he wouldn't admit it, he was actually very grateful that Remus had Lily to worry over him. Maybe just this once he'd give in and let her talk to him about it. Just once.

He sighed. "Remus left this morning. Order business. I think he's okay, relatively speaking, but it's been so weird lately I don't really know."

"And you still have no idea what he's doing on these mysterious missions of his, right?" said James with obvious skepticism.

"Right," said Sirius, taking a sip of his beer.

"The two of you still live together," said Lily, ignoring their exchange. "Don't you talk?"

"We talk," said Sirius. "Just not about anything that matters. If we talk about things that matter, then we just get angry and there's no bloody point."

"We?" she asked with a quirked eyebrow.

"Fine. Me. I get angry. What a revelation, I know."

"I have noticed he's been a bit off lately. I mean, he usually clears off before I get home-" "I wonder why," muttered Lily sarcastically. "-but he's been looking a little sickly. More than usual," James added, with a genuine tone of concern.

"How much has he been drinking?" asked Lily.

"Oh don't start this again," said Sirius while James rolled his eyes next to her. "Why are you asking me all this? Talk to him."

"I've tried, but Remus isn't exactly forthcoming about his feelings if you haven't noticed."

"Gee Lily, thanks for the insight. I might live with him, and love him, but I'm glad I have you to point out the obvious."

"Simmer down, Padfoot," said James with a warning look.

Sirius looked apologetic, but it didn't stop Lily from firing up. "Maybe you do need me since you two insist on being so thick about this. Anyone with eyes can see he had a problem," she insisted.

"If Remus is a drunk then so am I," said Sirius dismissively.

Lily gave him a pointed stare. He gasped indignantly and looked to James for support, but James just raised an eyebrow at him.

"See this is my point," said Sirius. "I'll admit, I can overdo it, and I'm not trying to say he doesn't because he absolutely bloody does. The thing I disagree on is that it's out of his control. I think that's a total cop out," Sirius said while James nodded his agreement. "When I drink it's because I want to and when I don't want to I stop. Hell, look at Marlene, she's supposed have this whole big problem with cocaine, right, but when it became a real problem she stopped, and she hasn't done it in ages!"

"You can't honestly be so ignorant that you think just because you don't experience something it doesn't exist. You choose to turn into a big black dog, right, but you still acknowledge Remus doesn't choose to turn into a werewolf?"

Sirius looked a little sheepish at that. "Yeah, obviously. It's different though. That's a curse. An illness. He doesn't drink because he's sick, he does it because he likes it."

"Well, there's a lot of people who disagree about that. I've been reading some studies done by muggle scientists, and there's more and more evidence starting to come out that-"

"Okay Lil," James interrupted, much to her annoyance. "Even if we agree it's not his fault, then what? What about all the times he's lied about stuff? What about the fact that he cheated? Does he just get a free pass? If he can't stop on his own and he knows he's hurting people, then why doesn't he ask for help? He still has to take responsibility for himself."

Lily went to argue, but Sirius got there first.

"Actually, I think he kind of has," Sirius said quietly.

James and Lily both looked at him confused. Sirius felt himself shrinking down a little as he thought back. The truth was the more time went on the more he was starting to think Lily might have a point, even though he really, really didn't want to admit it. James and Lily didn't even know about half the stuff Remus had done. Half the stuff he'd been through. The idea that Remus had needed him, and all Sirius had done was punish him just wasn't something he could stand. If he admitted Remus had a real problem, it meant admitting that he'd been horrible partner.

"I mean he's actually not drinking right now, and you know, he's cut back a few times in the past. Sometimes for ages. Something I always thought was strange was the way he phrased it. 'I'm trying to cut back,' like it's something he can't just do. He's said stuff like that a few times but I kind of just told him to stop making excuses…" he trailed off under Lily's withering stare.

"But he's not drinking right now? That's good isn't it? I keep saying he'll sort himself out with time," said James.

"Yeah, he's stopped drinking, least as far as I know," said Sirius. "Smokes like a fucking chimney though," he added with a grimace.

"There's something else, isn't there," Lily asked, eying him up and down.

She had her own ideas about what Remus was getting himself into, but she wanted to hear what Sirius had to say. He hesitated for a moment.

"I'm pretty sure he's doing other shit while I'm not around," he admitted reluctantly.

"Like what?" asked James.

"I don't know exactly. He's into all that muggle stuff and I've only tried like half of it."

"I hate when you guys do that," Lily said.

"What?"

"When you dismiss things as 'muggle stuff' like that. You do it all the time. It's so reductive, as if it's somehow less significant because it comes from muggles. Those drugs are no joke. They can be really dangerous and make people really sick. It's one thing when we all used to party together and we could look out for each other, but just doing it alone? And all the time? It's not safe, he could really get hurt."

"Yeah, Lily, I'm acutely familiar with the concept, thanks," said Sirius uncomfortably, remembering the sight of Remus lying on the couch, not breathing, lips turning blue.

That stopped Lily in her tracks. What did he mean by that?

"What do you mean by that?" asked James, intrigued.

Sirius shifted in his seat. He really shouldn't have said that. He'd promised Remus he wouldn't talk about it, even if he thought it was a stupid thing to promise. Even if he resented having to promise it in the first place.

"If I tell you this, you can't tell him you know, or repeat it to anyone else," Sirius said eventually.

James and Lily looked at each other nervously. James grabbed Lily's hand, then they looked back at Sirius and nodded.

"He overdosed. On pills."

Lily's free hand flew to her mouth and she gasped in horror.

"What are you talking about?" James asked anxiously.

"This happened a while ago, but it was bad. Really bad. He stopped breathing," he finished very quietly. He left out the part where he'd had to tackle him back from the edge of the roof. About the fact that it wasn't really an accident.

"Why didn't you tell me about this?" James asked, whacking Sirius hard on the arm. "When did this happen?"

"It was ages ago now, okay? He didn't want anyone to know. Lily was pregnant, you'd both just gone into hiding, he didn't want you to freak out like you're doing now."

"Is this a joke? I have a bad hangover once and don't touch a drop for a month and he nearly dies and just keeps going? Is he bloody mental?" exclaimed James.

"This is exactly what I've been trying to say!" said Lily in distress. "Even if you don't accept that he's sick, even if you think he's just doing he wants to, then you should ask yourself why he would want to do something that's hurting him so much! It should scare the fuck out of you that he wants that! You're supposed to be his best friends," she looked at Sirius, "his partner. I know he's done hurtful things and it's hard right now, but he needs help. Can't you see that?"

She stood up, wiping under her eyes. "I'm going to bed. I love you both," she said sincerely, "I just want to be alone a while." She kissed James and gave Sirius a quick hug before ascending the stairs, clearly still fighting back tears. When she was gone, James and Sirius sat in silence. James looked up the stairs as if he wanted to go to Lily. To comfort her. He knew her well enough to know when not to push.

"It's funny, I think about how Moony was when we were still in school," said James eventually. "You know, you and I could just be absolute drama queens, jumping from one emotional crisis to another and he was always there to be the voice of reason, talking us down from our stupidest impulses."

"It feels like a lifetime ago."

"That's the thing, sometimes I forget that anything's changed. Not just for him, but for all of us. We're not the same people anymore, but I look at Moony and see that stable, rational kid. Then he does these irrational, unstable things and I'm like, who are you? Why would you do this?"

Sirius was quiet for a while, taking in James' words. They talked all the time, but it had been a while since they'd had a real heart to heart. Sometimes it was just so hard. As soon as you opened up a little, it's like you were making room for all the trauma of the war to makes its way in. Once that happened you were paralyzed. It was easier just to stay closed off most of the time.

"I think that's part of what pisses me off so much," said Sirius eventually, "It's not even about what happened with that guy, that's just one of a million things. I'm so scared all the time. For you and Lily, for me, for all of us. He goes on these missions and I'm always afraid he's not coming back and then when he's here, he's supposed to be the one keeping me grounded. Only he's not. It happened so slowly, but he's become this whole other person who I have to be afraid for all the time, even when he's with me," Sirius said solemnly.

"Pads, did he overdose on purpose?"

Sirius looked at him with a hint of surprise tinged with a deep sense of heaviness, like the weight of the world was just dropped on top of him.

"I know I can be a bit thick about noticing things sometimes, but I can tell when there's something you're not saying. Not to mention Moony's been my friend as long as yours. I might not be shagging him but I know him pretty well, actually. He's always made little jokes about that sort of stuff and there have been times over the years... times where I honestly worried it wasn't a joke."

Sirius rested his chin on his hands, looking at James thoughtfully. He nodded, confirming James' suspicions. James took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes tiredly. When he put them back on he ran his hands through his hair then leaned back into the soft couch.

"Maybe Peter's right. He's cracking under the pressure. Maybe he should take a step back from his work with the Order. Whatever that may be," he said with a pointed glance at Sirius.

"Prongs, please stop trying to pry information out of me. I think I've shared enough for a lifetime."

"Alright, fine," he said, throwing up his hands in surrender.

"Maybe you're right, but he'll never agree to something like that. Especially not for us. He thinks we all hate him, he'll think we're trying to cut him out," said Sirius.

"Don't be daft, he knows we don't hate him. We're all just under so much stress."

"I'm not so sure he does," said Sirius, causing James to lower his head guiltily. "Why can I talk to you like this but not him? It used to be so easy."

"I'm your brother so I get special privileges," said James, patting him on the shoulder.

Sirius smiled a little. "Yeah, you do."