26. Heart-to-Heart

Remus was a mess.

He had spent the entire week in his room, with meals being delivered outside his door by Sirius. There had been an Order meeting, too, which he had skipped; Sirius had had enough decency to let everyone know that he wasn't feeling great, and therefore couldn't come. Remus didn't bother with trying to read a book to distract himself. He just sat in his bed, thinking, grieving, wondering, imagining.

Of course, she was the major occupant of his many thoughts. Tonks and her betrayal, not only of the Order, but of him as well. He had found her fascinating; amusing, and impressive, and now he was fairly confident that he was smitten with her. She had been a positive influence on him. He had been more cheerful, more happy, more himself, the person that he wanted to be rather than the person that he had been. She had brought out the best in him, brought out the Remus Lupin that he had always wished he could be one day. The Remus Lupin he knew he couldn't be but wanted to be anyway. And she had helped him feel what it was like to be that Remus Lupin, and it had all been a lie.

It was all a lie. That was all it was. She had never really cared, never really liked him, while he was falling hard for having trusted her. For having believed that she could turn his life around. While he was confused about how he felt, while he fretted over it, even, her sole intention had been to gain his trust. And foolishly, blindly, he had given it away, because he had hoped, and he had hoped wrong.

With thoughts like these, Remus simply couldn't bring himself to care about anything else. His hair was dishevelled, since he had neglected to take care of it. Things were slowly starting to pile up in his room, in messy clumps of stuff that he would have never otherwise allowed, but he found that frankly, he couldn't care.

It was the wrong attitude and he knew it. But he wouldn't have had a similar reaction if someone else had been the spy. The fact that the woman whom he had grown closer to, the woman whom he had bonded with, had never reciprocated any feelings, romantic or platonic, but had acted as if she had. It scarred him deeper than anything his affliction had ever given him.

Please, pleaded the logical part of his mind. Don't neglect your life. Move on. Just because she broke your heart doesn't mean you can spend the rest of your life moping. Let it go, and move on with your life.

He probably would have listened to it had there not been another side that he was much more tempted to give in to.

But have you ever liked someone before? Someone who had the potential to become something? Someone who understood you and would listen to you and not care about your lycanthropy? She was one in several million, and it wasn't even real!

But his logical side gave one more push.

Misery is an addiction. It's a drug. It's quicksand. The farther in you wade, the less likely you're going to come out. If you want to ever be happy again, go out that door and go talk to Sirius. She wasn't your only friend, you know.

Yes, but she mattered! Sit here and mope, coaxed the emotional side. Moving on means getting up, and aren't you nice and comfortable right here? Don't go anywhere. Just sit here and mope some more.

"I am not comfortable," he mumbled, unaware that he was actually speaking out loud, "and I want a shower."

So for the first time that week, his logical side conquered his emotional side, and he slipped off his bed, feet touching the ground for what was the first time in several hours, and he waded towards the bathroom slowly, making the decision to speak to Sirius when he was finished.

Merlin, it had only been a week, yet it felt strange, descending down the stairs normally. The steps creaked below him, obviously unhappy about the prospect of having yet another person walk on them. Maybe he should just go back to his room…

This was absolutely ridiculous. Stairs didn't have feelings.

Sirius was reading the Daily Prophet when Remus appeared in the room. His face brightened as he immediately dropped the newspaper. "Moony! So good to see you!"

"You too, Padfoot," he replied with a nod, attempting to smile.

"Do you want something to eat? Molly's been popping in to leave us with breakfast," he explained, pointing to the stack of empty trays that had accumulated in the dustbin.

"Oh," he responded, unsure of what else to say. "No, I'm fine."

He sat down at the table in an attempt to make conversation. "So how was the Order meeting?"

Sirius frowned. "Gloomy."

"Naturally. What happened?"

Sirius sighed. "Dumbledore told everyone. They didn't take it so well either, you know. Mad-Eye's determined she's not the spy, but he's the only one. People weren't happy that he trusted her. They even had the audacity to break a couple of my mugs." He pointed to the sink, in which several broken fragments of porcelain lay. "I hadn't gotten around to repairing them. Anyway, then old Snivellus gave a report, really boring and tiresome and all that rubbish. This," he pointed to a dent on the table, "is the result of the rock I threw at him."

"You threw a rock at him?" Remus asked in disbelief. "At an Order meeting?"

"Yes, well," Sirius defended, "I missed. It hit the table and bounced off and hit Emmeline."

"Continue."

"So naturally Emmeline got mad at me, and she..."

"Not about the rock, about the Order meeting!"

"Oh. Sorry. Arthur told us that the Ministry was enquiring, stuff like that, about the apparent break-in of the Department of Mysteries. They won't believe it's Death Eaters, so they're trying to investigate. But Mad-Eye said that he and…" He stopped short.

"He and..." pressed Remus.

"Th-that he had cleared the place enough so that the Ministry wouldn't know that they had been there," Sirius finished. "Mad-Eye put his foot down. Literally. He was adamant that she wasn't the spy."

"A lot happened, then," Remus observed drily.

"Yes, a lot did happen," Sirius agreed, watching him closely.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Nothing," said Sirius, quickly averting his gaze. "If you want to know, that was Hestia when she accidentally knocked over the shelf in triumph." He pointed to a fallen shelf over by the other side of the room. "She was really smug, you know, when we realized she was right."

"Right?"

"You know, about the entire… spy business."

"Oh."

Silence filled the room. He glanced uncomfortably around at it, trying desperately to come up with something to say.

"Er, so why didn't you clean any of it up?"

"Because I wanted you to see it," explained Sirius. "I knew that at some point, you'd come out of your room and want to hear the entire story, so I saved it for some effects."

"Effects? Wow, Sirius, you should've gone into theater…"

"Very funny," Sirius grumbled. "Anyway, how are you?"

"Fine," he replied crisply, even though fine was probably not the word he would use to describe how he was feeling.

"Right, and I'm Dumbledore," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "How are you, really?"

He took a second to consider it. How was he, really?

Hurt. That was probably the right word.

"Hurt," Remus offered. "That's… that's probably the best word to use right now. I have been emotionally scarred."

"It's still bothering you, isn't it?" Sirius asked.

"It has been for the past seven days," Remus answered. "I can't get my mind off her."

"Remember how I asked you a few days ago if you fancied her? Do you have an answer for me now?" Sirius asked cautiously.

"Are you just trying to rub it in my face?"

"No, no, nothing of the sort," Sirius said dismissively. "But if I'm going to help you out here, first I need to know exactly how you feel."

"Yes," he sighed, "I do. I fancy her. Or, at least, I used to. Right now I'm a mess and I have no idea how I feel about her. It just… It just hurts, you know? To know that I liked her and she was just playing with my emotions. Sirius, I've never liked someone as much as I liked her. I rarely ever go down that path. And the one time I do, she doesn't care."

Sirius nodded sympathetically.

"And to think that she didn't care about my lycanthropy. Merlin, I thought I had finally found someone who didn't care. Like you didn't. Like James didn't. Like Peter didn't. But it was a lie, wasn't it? She feigned indifference just to gain my trust."

He sighed again. "I don't know why I trusted her. I don't know why I fell straight into her trap. I wouldn't be bothered this much if it weren't for our relationship, which was fake, I might add. I've been broken, Sirius, and I don't know how to fix it."

Sirius walked over and engulfed him into a hug, which he returned, closing his eyes. "Help me, Sirius."

"I will," Sirius assured him. "You don't want to… to meet her, do you?"

He shook his head vigorously. "Not a chance."

"Thought so," pondered Sirius. "All right, hear me out."

"I'm all ears."

"Okay. To begin with, I am ninety-five percent sure that your love was not unrequited."

He held his hands up. "Hold on, hold on. Who said anything about love?"

"I don't know, what am I supposed to say? Your like was not unrequited?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "The word feelings would be preferable."

"Fine, then. I am ninety-five percent sure that your feelings were not unrequited," Sirius amended.

"How so?"

"Because," Sirius said thoughtfully, "if you were to observe her behavior more closely when she talked to you, you would realize that she seemed to enjoy being in the presence of your company. Remember how she got all defensive when you went on a stroll with Hestia? Remember how she went on that… what did you call it, an outing? Remember how she went on that outing with you? Did she seem to enjoy it?"

"Yes, but," he pointed out, "she is a Metamorphmagus. She would be able to morph certain expressions, like happiness and stuff, very easily."

"Oh, come on, Moony," Sirius argued. "Do you seriously think she's been morphing expressions of content and pleasure every single time she's been with you?"

"She could be," he said defiantly.

"Fine, think that," Sirius relented, "but I still think she liked you."

"There's no way that would happen, Sirius, you realize? I'm too old, not to mention poor, and those go lovely with the tiny little fact that I turn into a despicable beast every month."

"Actually," Sirius interjected, "you're just a furry little wolfy."

Remus grabbed the Daily Prophet. "Are you asking for a smack?"

"If you had to ask, then probably," Sirius said broodingly, as Remus smacked him with the newspaper.

"But you're really cute as a wolf!" Sirius pointed out.

"Sirius…"

"Fine, fine."

"All right, Sirius, so we've decided that she doesn't like me. Now?"

"When did we decide that?" Sirius asked, frowning. "I for one, am deeply convinced that she fancied you."

"That's not possible, Sirius! Nobody in their right mind could fancy me. I'm nowhere near fanciable."

"Yes, you are," Sirius pointed out. "The girls at Hogwarts were crazy about you."

He rolled his eyes. "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, you know."

"But it's true!" he protested. "At least some of them liked you!"

"That's because they didn't know what I was."

"What were you?"

He gave Sirius a look. "Really?"

"Yes, that's right, because they didn't know you were an alien who actually read books. That's why the girls liked you."

He scoffed. "Please. I was not an alien. Many sensible people read books. Besides, I was nowhere near as fanciable as you and James were."

"Yeah, well, what can I do? I was beautiful," Sirius remarked pompously.

"Shut up."

"But I was!"

"Don't even go down that path, Sirius. Beauty lies in the eyes of the…"

"Beholder," Sirius finished for him, "yes, I know, but if the beholder is beautiful, like me, then the beholder is beautiful!"

"Do you have any idea what you're saying?"

"Nope!" he said proudly. "But if I'm confused, that means you are too."

Remus snorted. "If you look up confusion in a dictionary, you'll see a photo of Sirius Black right there."

Sirius frowned. "Are there pictures in dictionaries?"

"Have you ever even opened a dictionary?"

"Valid point," Sirius mumbled.

"Okay, so, what were we talking about?" Remus asked, trying to steer back on topic.

"Dictionaries and beauty."

"No we were not! We were talking about Tonks."

"Right. So Tonks fancied you."

"But, Sirius, we just went over this! There's no way she could possibly have fancied me!"

"Do you want her to have fancied you?"

The room went silent.

"What?" Remus asked, unsure if he had heard right.

"I said, do you want her to have fancied you?"

"This isn't a matter of what I want, it's…"

"Just answer the question!"

He closed his eyes, contemplating the answer.

"Yes," he said finally, "I want her to have fancied me. I would love it if she had fancied me. But we just concluded that she was just trying to gain my trust."

"Yes, well, maybe she actually fell in love with you while she was trying!"

"You have been watching too many Muggle movies. And there is no love involved in this!"

"There could be," Sirius shrugged. "And movies are based off of real life, anyway."

"You are hopeless."

"I've been told."

"Okay, fine. Let's pretend for a second that she did like me. How does that change anything?"

"Because," Sirius deduced, "that means she probably still likes you."

"That's rubbish, Sirius. If she did have any feelings for me, they're all gone now."

"Do you still fancy her?"

"Curse you, Sirius, why are you asking so many of these questions to me?" he asked.

"Because I'm trying to help," said Sirius stubbornly. "Come on."

"Yes, I do," he admitted. "Merlin, I can't believe I'm actually answering all of your questions. Yes, I still fancy her. I still fancy her like mad. This has just made it worse, actually. Now I've started thinking about all the things that could've been."

"Meaning…"

"You know very well what I mean, Sirius. If things had been a little different, what could've had the potential to possibly happen."

"You're just sticking your layers into it," Sirius remarked. "What could've had the potential to possibly happen… Merlin, Remus, why can't you just say what could've happened?"

"Because it's extremely unlikely that something could've happened anyway," Remus told him. "There is still the tiny fact that I am not fanciable."

"Yeah, well, she's an exception, isn't she?" Sirius asked.

"Does it even matter?" he sighed. "It doesn't matter if she likes me or not. There's nothing we can do about it now!"

"But if she likes you, and you like her, then you could still meet!" Sirius said. "Outside of the Order!"

"That's ridiculous, Sirius," he said flatly. "I wouldn't want to meet someone who's betrayed the Order."

"Fair point," he said, frowning. "But I think that you need to lighten up. There'll be other people out there."

"You think so?" he asked, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

"Yes, I do," Sirius proclaimed. "See, you admit it! She does like you!"

"I never admitted it," he argued. "We've been over this enough. There is no possible way she likes me."

Thankfully, Sirius seemed to drop the subject from there. "Whatever you say, Moony."

Remus ruffled his hair affectionately. "Thank you, Sirius. You are an amazing friend, no matter how annoying you can be."

"Not to mention beautiful," he sang.

"Don't you dare, Padfoot."

"Fine."

"Okay, then," he said, standing up and glancing around, "I'm going back to my room."

Sirius's face fell. "Wasn't my counseling session helpful?"

"It definitely was," Remus assured him. "I'm just going to go read."

And as he left the room, he could swear he heard Sirius mutter, "I always knew he was an alien."

A/N: Well, that's that! An insight into how Remus is taking it, complete with lots of Sirius! What's the real story behind Bruce Claris? Is he really a Death Eater? Investigation coming up in chapter 27!

Thank you guys so much for a lovely response to Prisoners! I'm really glad you're enjoying that as well as this one! There will be more! :)

For those of you who can't wait for Remadora to get back together, all I can say is, you don't have to wait much longer :D

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