Chapter Info

Title: My true north.

Number: 20/?

Warnings: Language, mentions of violence, and my usual doses of angst here and there.

Author's Note: Found at the end!

- ʚɞ -

- Colorado Springs, Colorado -

- Skylar -

- October -

She had once heard that the hardest day of loving someone, was the day you lost them. She thought she'd lived that hard day, that it had already come and gone in her life. That day being the day she walked out on Paul to never return. But that was a bee sting in comparison to the pain she felt in that moment, the pain that came with losing her father. She wasn't even sure if she would ever recover.

The next week after her father's death bled into a blur of actions and fits of screaming and she wasn't even sure she could remember it all. She just moved through it all like a robot, Paul a steady presence at her side as she sorted out her father's funeral, underwent the ceremony to officially name her as alpha as well as sort out someone to take over as Chief until she was ready to step into those shoes.

She didn't know what good deed she'd done in a previous life to end up with someone like her mate. Paul, who was willing to deal with her brother's anger, her daughters screaming, her fits of grief and melancholy with nothing more than soothing words and gentle hands. Not once did she hear him complain nor did she see it in his eyes, yet she couldn't help herself wondering if this was something he wanted.

Did he want to be back in La Push, where it was drama-free? Where the air wasn't thick with grief to the point it caught in your throat and left you gasping for breath. Or was he only here because his life hung in the balance too, if she died so did he. So was that why he was there, to make sure she stayed alive?

Yet as much as she was curious about that, she couldn't bring herself to voice the words. To call it into question when it was his hands that was the only thing that were keeping her standing, when it was his strength that was stopping her from falling apart. His love that was stopping her from drowning in the grief that threatened to swallow her whole.

Sighing through her nose she removes her head from Paul's neck as she listens to one of the tribal elders speak the funeral rights, her hands squeezing her brothers softly as she looks over to see tears silently falling down his face. Leiah sitting on her brother's left and beside Leiah sat the one person she didn't expect to come, her mother.

Turning her head slightly, she nods as her uncle smiles at her softly, her eyes moving over Jacob without acknowledgement as she sees Bella and Mina sitting beside him. Sam and Leah had also made the journey and it's in that moment she remembers her father had touched many lives she had completely forgotten about. All of them feeling the guilt that was rattling around inside of her.

Even Paul had known her father at one point, not to the full extent as others but he had known him enough. Turning more she continues to observe those who were gathered, seeing the guilt collecting on their faces like a tale of misery. And yet she cares for none of it, she doesn't care how much they hurt, because nothing would top the pain her and her brother were feeling. They had lost a parent, someone who guided them and now, she would never hear her father wish her luck. He would never watch the young girl Emmie-Jo would grow up to be.

So no, she didn't care for others' grief. Not when she was drowning in her own.

Sighing softly she faces forward once more and watches the funeral play out, her actions robotic as she moves through what was needed of her. The whole time fighting with herself to keep her mask in place, to not let anyone see the way she was falling apart. She could do it in private, but here, she was alpha. Everyone was looking at her for the strength and she had to provide it. Even if it was fake.

She remains standing at her father's graveside long after the service is over and everyone has left to gather inside her father's house. She didn't have the strength to follow, to listen as everyone told the tales they knew of her dad, to highlight the moments that made Deacon Ragnulf so special. Because despite all the memories that were churning around in her mind, all she could picture was that moment in the clearing, where she held his dead body close to her heart. Praying that she could give her life in exchange for his.

Feeling heat at her side she turns to see Paul standing beside her, a usual occurrence in the last week and once more she's struck with how much she was using him. Using his strength to simply keep the fake smile on her face. She'd taken more from him in that last week than she'd taken from him in their whole relationship.

" I'm sorry. "

Her words are whispered yet she knew he would hear her, his arms wrapping around her the only acknowledgement she needs as she leans against his shoulder, her eyes once more returning to the stone that now bore her father's name, sealing the knowledge that he was truly gone.

" What are you sorry for ? " Paul asks just as soft, as though speaking louder would be an insult.

" I'm sorry I'm such a fucking mess. I'm sorry I've become a burden. "

" Baby. " he sighs softly " You are not a burden nor are you a mess. You lost your father, baby. No one expects you to be the happy go lucky girl you were two weeks ago. You're allowed to wallow in your grief. "

" No, I'm not. " she spits

But the words were not aimed at Paul, it was in remembrance to the tribal elders telling her she had to step up as alpha now that her father was dead. That she had to deal with the threat that was still out there, no matter the fact she had to bury her father. They expected the world from her and she wasn't sure if she could deliver it, nor have the strength to do it.

" They're fucking idiots baby. You're allowed to feel it because it's going to be the one thing that makes you stronger. And I will be right here with you. "

She wanted to cry at the conviction in his words, instead, she leaned against him as she soaks in his scent.

" I don't know if I'm strong enough for this. " she sighs. " The pack, they're looking at me to guide them. To help them through this but I don't know if I'm strong enough to get through this and guide them at the same time. "

His hands on her shoulders turn him to face her, Paul's hand coming up to cup her cheek as she stares into his obsidian eyes. She could see nothing but comfort staring back at her, yet that small voice in the back of her head continues to whisper that he would rather be somewhere else. That he didn't want her, not when she was like this.

" Skylar, you are the strongest person I know. You have fought wars, you have fought death and you've come out of it far stronger than I could ever be. You have the strength baby, I know right now it doesn't feel like it but you are strong enough to do this. Your dad believed in you, I believe in you and so does your pack. "

He clicks his tongue once before leaning forward and pressing his lips against her forehead, her hands gripping tightly to the shirt that clung to his every muscle. The heat of his skin burning her fingertips and yet it grounds her, the effect of it reminding her that she was alive. She had survived. That knowledge is enough to break the barrier on her tears, the burning of them once more seeping into her skin as she falls against his chest.

It was almost amusing, she was once someone who didn't cry. She never let anyone see her week and yet in this past week, the dominant person she was, was non-existent and she showed her weakness to anyone close enough to look. She didn't hide behind the walls she had constructed around her heart. Instead, she just let it all crumble into dust.

She knew Layla would say that it was a sign she was prepared to let others in, that she was allowing others to help her shoulder the burden on her shoulders. But as far as she was concerned, she was just done with hiding everything she hid inside. She was done pretending to be strong when she was falling apart. Her father was the one person she could truly be weak with. And without him, she had no one.

" Baby I can feel the grief that is threatening to swallow you whole. And as much as I wish I could take you back to La Push and protect you from everything. I can't. The fuckers who took your father from you, as bad as it is. They're still out there. And we need to find them and make sure they don't take anyone else. "

His words are like a bucket of ice water - not just at the reminder that her father's killers are out there. But that he could feel her emotions, a side-effect of the mating bond that meant he would always know what she was feeling. She didn't think they had it, nor had she truly taken the time to wonder if she could feel him. But the nonchalant way in which he spoke it.

She wasn't sure how to take it. But she could understand how he felt, after all, she was feeling the pack right now. She felt every wolf that called her alpha so it was sort of nice for someone else to feel that, to feel the crushing weight of grief. Even if she wanted to ignore that knowledge for a little longer.

" We ? "

She can see him refrain from chuckling as she zones in on one major point in his whole sentence. She knew what he meant, yet it was as though she needed the confirmation. That he wasn't leaving her, that he was going to help her guide the dangerous and fucked up path that lay before her. Not just as a wolf but as an alpha. Everything in her life had changed and yet standing there, at her father's graveside with Paul proved one thing. He was still her true north. Her light, her saviour. Her forever.

" Yeah baby, me and you. I let you fight this alone, and look at what happened. They took your father and left you with two more scars to your collection. Now, we do this together. To get to you, they gotta go through me and your pack. "

" Paul… no. I can't let you fight this war. "

Bringing a hand up to her face she feels the tears still falling down her face and sniffles to clear her clogged nose as she looks up at him. Once more ensnared by his obsidian gaze that now showed the true depth of his stubbornness as well as the love that hadn't stopped shining there, not during their conversation or the past week.

" Good thing I don't take orders from you then isn't it. "

She growls softly before pushing him away, she wasn't angry at him per se. More she wasn't in a joking move, and the small lift to his lips showed he was trying to make her smile. And well she just wasn't in the mood

And yet that simple action brings her anger swarming back, anger at those that had stolen her father from her, anger at herself for not being there to save her father. And anger at Peter for not telling her that the price of this war was that she would lose her dad. She was determined that the next time she laid eyes on the sparkly fucker she would sink her teeth into his ass or sure. So if he knew any better, he'd avoid Colorado and Washington in her lifetime.

" Baby listen to me. " Paul sighs softly as his hands come to rest on her shoulders once more. " We have already survived the worst thing that could happen to us. And here we are, standing together in the face of this. And your side is the only place I want to be. Sam doesn't command me in this, because you are my mate. You are my home and right now, you're hurting. "

He clicks his tongue once before continuing. " I walked away from you once before when you were hurting and I sure as shit aren't doing it again. I will never walk away from you again. So get used to it baby, because I will fight with you. I will fight for you. Until there is no more life left in me. "

She lets her eyes drink in his face, looking for any indicator that he was lying. Yet she didn't find everything, each line of his face was drawn in silent determination. He meant his words and a small gasp fell off her lips as she felt his stubbornness break through the feelings of her pack, his love and conviction swarming her like a warm blanket and it was enough to silence the small voice in the back of her head.

He was here because he wanted to be, not because he had to be.

" So how do we do this ? " She asks tilting her head and the tears finally drying on her face.

" We do what we're known for ? " He smirks as her eyebrows contort into a frown of confusion. " You've been fighting like a soldier, like a wolf but you forget your greatest weapon. Your emotions ! "

Okay, she was starting to think he'd lost his mind. Because she was almost positive she had been using her emotions and that was what got her into this mess. This was what made her be distracted by the panther when the other one killed her father.

It must show on her face as he sighs softly stepping closer to her.

" Look don't rip my head off. " Paul sighs softly as his hands come to rest on her shoulders once more. " When we were younger we used our anger to fuel everything we felt. We used it as an excuse to cause harm to others. We relished in making others feel a taste of the anger that burned within us, it was the one thing that brought us together. "

He clicks his tongue once before continuing. " Now, I'm suggesting that you use all this. Use your grief, use your anger, use your pain, use the feelings of your pack and myself to win this war and make them pay for taking your father from you. You feel it all and make it your biggest weapon. And when you can't stand anymore from the crippling weight of it, I'll be there to catch you. "

It seemed almost easy to trick herself that it could work. But yet Paul's words bring forward the memories of her teenage years, of where her fists were controlled by the anger that burned within her. Of how she and Paul would instigate arguments between themselves as a way to burn away some of the fire in their souls. It also brought forth a memory of how her father had once told her that her emotions were her strongest weapons - the conversation and almost mirror of what Paul had just said to her.

So was it real, could she afford to give in to everything she was feeling and allow it to fuel her? To let her win the war and make those bleed who had taken her father from her, from Sonny, from the pack. The answer was she wasn't sure, but she was willing to give it a try.

" You ready to head back. " Paul asks softly.

She shakes her head and promises to catch up, she needed a moment before she allowed her pack and brother to swarm her. She had to slip her mask back into place before she could deal with all the bodies surrounding her. Paul nods and places another kiss to her forehead before moving through the graveyard and towards the truck he'd parked as they attended the funeral.

It amused her a little, how at ease he was in Colorado. And yet he was an outsider, but he blended with the pack as though he was always a member. She knew it was just the pack accepting him as the Alpha's mate but she also knew he was forming friendships along the way. So she was glad something good had come out of this tragedy. That Paul wasn't suffering from all her actions.

Shaking her head she kneels in front of her father's headstone, her hand resting against the cold stone. The new alpha band on her wrist standing out against the grey stone and where before she hated seeing it on her skin. Now she knew it was always her destiny, she was always bound to wear it and maybe, just maybe she would survive long enough to see her daughter wear it with far more pride than any before them.

" I miss you, daddy. " She cries softly. " I don't know if I'm strong enough to survive this without you. But I'm going to be okay, I promise you I will be okay. All you ever wanted was for me to be happy and… I think I'll get there again one day. I don't know how but I will. "

Each word spoken feels as strong as a metal chord as she makes her first vow as an alpha to her father's ghost.

" No, I do know how I'll survive. I've got Paul," she whispers. " And I know you never truly forgave him for what he did, but I need him, daddy. He's my true north, he's my home. And by his side, I think I might just be able to live up to your legacy. "

Her head tilts towards the sky and she smiles as she feels the scent of her dad wash over her. Her tribe believed the dead always walked with you and at this moment she was truly willing to believe it, to believe that her dad was standing behind her listening to every word she whispered.

" Oh, Sonny changed packs. He did it accidentally in anger. So I swear to you, I'll look after him and together we will get through this. I promise you that I'll guide him the same way you guided me, that I will never let him fall, that I will never let him suffer. Just as you never let me. "

" Save me a beer daddy, I'll see you when it's my time. "

Leaning forward she presses her lips to the cold stone before standing and with one last glance at her father's name, she walks out the graveyard and towards the truck and Paul. She was positive he heard her words but as she climbs in he doesn't say anything, just reaches over and grasps her hand softly before starting the car to head back towards her dad's ranch where everyone was gathered.

- ʚɞ -

A / N : Reviews are love and highly appreciated- This chapter sucks as I can't write grief for the life of me. But hey I tried. Now, honestly, I need your opinion. Are you happy Sky took over as Alpha, are you happy that Paul refuses to leave her to fight this alone. Like opinions please, as I have a few ideas of where to take this, so your opinions matter my lovely darlings.

Also something random but Skylar is a character in another story - written by my amazing friend middlefingersalute. Sky is featured in her Embry/Bella story - a quarter mile. So do go check it out, especially if you love a nice human a/u twist on our favourite characters. So yes check it out.