Preface
Time to Think, Time to Doubt, Time to KnowPosted originally on the Archive of Our Own at /works/19259758.
Rating:
Teen And Up Audiences
Archive Warning:
No Archive Warnings Apply
Category:
M/M
Fandom:
Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Relationship:
Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Character:
Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter
Additional Tags:
Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue EWE, Post-Hogwarts, Professors, Professor Harry Potter, Professor Draco Malfoy, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Soulmates, soulmate identifying potion, Don't copy to another site
Series:
Part 66 of Prompted Harry Potter Works
Stats:
Published: 2019-06-18 Words: 2862
Time to Think, Time to Doubt, Time to Know
by FleetofShippyShips
Summary
Harry asks Draco for a rare potion ingredient but Draco isn't sure what it's for until he steps into Harry's quarters and sees his brewing station, sees the ingredients, the waiting goblet, then he knows.
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
Time to Think, Time to Doubt, Time to Know
Draco gripped the tiny jar so hard he might have shattered it in his hand.
"Are you really sure?" he asked again.
Harry held out his hand with an exasperated expression. "If you don't give it to me I'll go hunting down this stupid fungus to harvest and dry some for myself, and I'll probably botch it and blow the castle up when I add it to the potion. Do you want that?" he said firmly. "Give me the stardust powder."
The potion he was planning to add it to was ready and waiting in a goblet. It had been when Draco had arrived, still wondering why Harry wanted stardust powder. The answer had been obvious to him the moment he'd seen Harry's makeshift brewing station.
Draco considered knocking the goblet over to buy himself more time.
It had taken years of working together at Hogwarts before they could even carry a conversation. Now they were friends. That would all change when Harry drank that activated potion.
Not for the better.
"These things don't always turn out the way you imagine," he warned. "Some things are best left unknown."
As much as he wished it were so, delaying wouldn't actually help him. Harry absolutely would hunt down the magical fungus himself. Somehow the idiot had learned to brew passable potions over the years, and Draco knew he was perfectly capable of drying and preparing the fungus until it was the active hallucinogenic known as stardust powder.
It would only be a matter of time. Harry never dropped things he was so adamant about.
"Yeah, well, I'm sick of wasting time in relationships that go nowhere," Harry said, his voice tight.
Draco almost snorted. Anyone would be when the papers always made such a circus out of the matter. Harry's ill luck in that regard was legendary now.
"And you think that being with someone because fate willed it so would be any better?" he asked. "Don't you care about free will? Wouldn't you wonder if you only wanted them, or they only wanted you, because you knew some archaic potion determined you were a match? Would you even believe any attraction you subsequently feel is real?"
Harry stepped closer. "Give me the damn jar, Malfoy."
Draco shivered at the sound of that name. He was now used to hearing it as a cordial 'Professor Malfoy' in the halls, not said hard and tense. Harry hadn't called him that in private for over a year. A sure sign he was more irritated than he appeared, and probably ready to take the jar from him by force. Really, Draco should probably be grateful the git hadn't just nicked it from his stores instead of asking for it.
It wasn't much of a warning of what he was about to do, but it was better than nothing.
"Why the urgency?" he asked, finally holding the jar out to him. "You're only thirty, you have plenty of life left to find love. Besides, you might not even see enough to know who it is."
Harry carefully took the jar from his hand and turned to the goblet. While Draco watched, he measured out the perfect amount and then dropped it into the goblet.
"Maybe I just want to know beforehand if acting on something is worth it this time," Harry muttered, putting the jar down and picking up the goblet instead.
Draco's heart leapt into his throat. It was time for him to leave. Maybe if he left, if he found a plain, unassuming wall, Harry would never even realise. Maybe he should just close his eyes and hope for the best, even though that would probably be a dead giveaway once the potion wore off, if he didn't time opening his eyes right.
"Bottoms up," Harry muttered, before lifting the goblet to his lips and downing it in two large gulps.
The potion acted fast. Draco could still remember the sudden onset of it. The jarring sensation of seeing through someone else's eyes.
It would be even worse for Harry now than it had been for Draco years ago.
Harry inhaled sharply and turned his head Draco's way. It hardly mattered. He wouldn't see Draco, he'd only see himself.
Draco closed his eyes so he didn't have to see his expression change.
They stood in silence until the potion wore off several minutes later. Draco wondered if it felt like forever for Harry like it had for him. It wasn't much time to identify someone really, but Draco had known at once as well. Luck, not that he had considered it luck at the time, had let him consume the potion while Harry was looking out a window at night, just reflective enough that Draco had seen him in it.
There was a quiet clink and Draco opened his eyes to find Harry had put the goblet back down. He was looking at the table instead of at Draco. The effect had passed.
Draco suddenly hated that they'd done this in Harry's quarters. It only made it so much worse. The surroundings were too intimate for the argument that was sure to come.
"When did you take it?" Harry finally asked.
Draco inhaled slowly, bracing himself. "Sixth year," he said. There was no point lying now. There was no way around what Harry had seen, and no way his attempts to delay Harry from taking it could be interpreted as anything else now.
Harry looked up sharply.
"I just...I wanted to know there was something waiting on the...on the other side of it all," Draco explained weakly.
Harry tapped his fingers on the table and bit his lip. Draco knew the question he was pondering and decided to speed the torture along. Get it over with sooner so he could retreat and figure out what the hell to do next.
"It was after you almost killed me," he said. "I was...not in a good place, I guess, not that I was at any point that year. I stole the ingredients and brewed the potion as soon as I left the hospital wing. It...would have been better if I hadn't."
Harry moved away from the table, closer to Draco. "Do you really believe that taking the potion and knowing who your soulmate is then invalidates any feelings you might have? Any relationship you try to have with them? Or is that just bitterness talking? Is that just because I'd almost killed you right before you found out and we were on opposite sides of a war?"
"Take your pick," Draco said tiredly. He'd spent years trying to figure out what was real and what wasn't after that. It wasn't as if he'd suddenly fallen in love with the stupid git. It had only challenged him to look deeper, to try and see why they might be suited. He'd found plenty to make him think, and plenty of doubt about whether any of it was even real. "I still hated you. In fact, I probably hated you even more for a while."
"Is this why you didn't identify me when I was captured?" Harry asked softly.
They'd talked about that often, once they'd finally started talking. Harry had always seemed fixated on it. Just as he was fixated on his guilt over what had happened in that bathroom. Just like Draco was a bit fixated on why Harry had saved him from the fire.
"Who knows," Draco muttered. "I don't know. I'll never know for sure, how can I? This is why that potion isn't worth the trouble."
Harry stared at him, gnawing at his lip in that disgusting, distracting habit of his.
"Look, it's best we just forget this, alright?" Draco said. "I mean, you and I? That's a—"
"I took it because of you," Harry interrupted, staring at him with a frightening intensity. "Didn't you hear me before? I said I want to know beforehand if acting on something was worth it this time. That was about you."
Draco stared at him.
Harry made an awkward gesture with his hand. "I've been...I mean, we get along alright now, don't we?" he asked. "And I know we both feel this…" he gestured between them while obviously searching for the right word, "attraction between us. I've caught you staring at me that many bloody times lately, and your expression isn't always as unreadable as you think it is. I wanted...I just wanted to know if it was even worth pursuing, with all the baggage we have. I thought...I don't know. I don't think I really thought it would be you, and I certainly didn't plan for what to do if it was, but…"
When Harry trailed off with a weak, confused sound, Draco realised he'd stopped breathing and sucked in a deep breath.
"I guess if you feel that way though, that's alright," Harry muttered a few moments later, looking away. "You didn't get to feel anything before knowing like I did. I can understand why that would make it hard to know what's real." He shook his head. "Yeah, maybe we should just forget about it."
"I told you, not worth the trouble," Draco muttered while silently cursing himself. He'd obviously slipped up if Harry had noticed anything of the sort from him.
"You're wrong," Harry said sharply. "You are worth the trouble, to me. It may have taken us a few years, but we sorted out our past and while I may not agree with the decisions you made, I have forgiven you for the damage you caused. I gave you, gave myself, a second chance and got to know you. I enjoy working with you now, I enjoy spending time with you. I'm attracted to you and I'm curious whether we could make anything of it. I want to try to be with you, I did before I took the potion.
"But I'm not going to force you into a relationship you're only going to doubt. I'm only saying we should forget it because that's what you want. I can respect that, and I can accept that. But just so we're clear, I was interested before I took the potion. It's why I took the potion."
Draco gaped at him. He looked back and tried to see any of that. All he recalled was Harry slowly becoming more friendly. Nothing more than that. Or had he not let himself see more than that?
"That's...that's…"
Harry looked expectant, but when Draco failed to think of what to say, failed to even know what he felt, his expression wavered a little.
"I understand," he said. "I...I wouldn't have reacted well if I'd found out before we really got to know each other. I've had enough of fate, or other people, making decisions for me. I had already decided I wanted you before this, so I guess I don't feel influenced by finding out it would probably work out. It's more like a confirmation than a discovery."
That was just...so unfair.
"Everything always works out for you," Draco huffed.
Harry scowled at him. They'd talked enough about the past that Draco knew that was an incredibly unfair thing to say, but in that moment he didn't really care. Taking that potion had made him doubt himself for years, and Harry just took it and felt fine. It wasn't fair.
"How could you want to be with me if you know I have doubts?" Draco demanded. "How is that a good idea? How is it healthy to be with me if I might always wonder whether anything I feel for you is real or just because I found out years ago that we're supposedly made for each other?"
"You may as well ask fate why it decided that your soulmate is someone who almost killed you," Harry scoffed. "Even without either of us knowing this, if we'd wound up here, if we started dating, could you say it was healthy anyway? What does knowing really change? We'd still have a bad past. Besides, at least you'll always be sure of me. That I'm not led by the knowledge. And I don't think I mind, really. As long as I'm happy, as long as you're happy despite your doubts, does it really matter that you might sometimes question it? I'm willing to make a go of it, even knowing you have doubts about your own attraction and feelings."
He made it all sound so simple. He made it all sound so tempting. Draco had struggled for years, wondering if anything he felt for Harry was real or because he knew they were soulmates. He even often wondered if his dislike for him when they'd started working together was also the fault of that knowledge, for making him swing in the other direction just to spite it.
Could they have become friends sooner if he hadn't known they were soulmates and then subsequently doubted every thought he had about him? Questioned his own reaction to everything Harry did?
"Don't worry about it, Draco," Harry said, moving closer and reaching out to give his shoulder an awkward pat. "I've made myself clear, you go away and think about what you want and feel, and then let me know. I've managed to stay friends with exes I almost married, I can stay just friends with you if that's what you want."
That really wasn't fair.
"Why are you always so fucking noble?" Draco muttered. That was one of the things he'd noticed early on, when he'd started looking deeper. He liked that about Harry, for all that he mocked him for it, and for all that it also irritated him a little.
It wasn't put on like Draco had once suspected. Harry was just open and kind and so very giving. Anything for anyone else and barely a thought for himself.
Also almost impossible to rattle anymore. Which was probably why he was so damned calm after taking the potion.
Draco stared at him, taking in his open, kind expression. It made his hands shake with the urge to ruin it. To shock him. To rattle him.
That once would have been hateful words but that urge had long since died in the past.
Instead, he reached out and grabbed the collar of Harry's robes. He pulled him close and kissed him, expecting to be pushed away at any moment. Instead, Harry melted against him. His hands slid into Draco's hair.
What was meant to be a short kiss to shock him became something slow, and deep and long.
It probably shouldn't have been so surprising. He'd spent a lot of time thinking about and wanting to kiss Harry. He'd just also spend as much time doubting whether the desire was genuine or just a product of his knowledge.
"King of mixed signals, you are," Harry mumbled when they parted. He pressed a shorter, more chaste kiss to his lips and then gently pushed Draco towards the door. "Go do some thinking, no rush. We're only thirty. Plenty of time left to figure it out."
Draco scowled at him. "Don't use my own words against me."
"Don't be so reasonable then," Harry said with a low laugh.
Draco paused by the door and looked at him. Really looked at him. If he was hiding shock or turmoil then he was a better actor than Draco had ever given him credit for.
"You're really fine with this," he asked. "I mean, with our past and everything?"
"We already worked through all that to become friends," Harry said with a shrug. "Why would this change that? And you knowing? That doesn't make me angry or anything. I get it. I've been dealt some difficult and confusing hands by fate before."
Draco bit his lip and hesitated.
Harry sighed and walked over. He leaned past him and opened the door, then gave Draco's chest a little push until he was standing just outside the door.
"Go, think . I'll be around, you know where to find me."
The grin Harry gave him was lopsided and cheesy. It pulled an annoyed huff out of Draco from habit alone.
"Fine," he muttered.
Harry only grinned wider. He leaned in and Draco couldn't help but move to meet him, even if he still doubted the instinct, doubted the desire.
The kiss only lasted a moment and then, before Draco could really recover, Harry shut the door in his face.
"You'll thank me later," Harry called through the door. "Go think."
Draco stared at the door for a moment.
If asked later, he'd deny he kicked it before walking away.
Just like, months later, on their first proper date, he'd deny Harry was right about the benefit of time and space to think. He'd make a fuss about wasted time instead.
And he'd pretend to ignore the knowing look on Harry's face before they finally kissed again.
It was nice, comforting, to know that Harry was so sure they would work, it helped him start to believe it too.
But he'd keep that to himself for a little while longer.
Afterword
End Notes
Prompted by Anon and asher-blackwood with 'stardust' and 'soulmate', respectively.
Got a little experimental with the ending to give a future glimpse without needing a full on epilogue.
I adore soulmate aus to death, but I'm not unaware of the flaws, the problematic nature of the concept, thought I'd touch on it here a little. I enjoyed contrasting Draco's doubt with Harry's surety and highlighting the differences between finding out before feeling anything for the person, and finding out after already knowing you want the person. Especially since Draco clearly believed in and desired the soulmate concept before he found out who his soulmate was, and took the potion seeking comfort, even though all he got was doubt. Ugh, I love writing soulmate stuff that dives into these things.
Anyway, yah. You know the drill. This is a completed work and I will not be writing more. Please do not ask me to write more or otherwise mention 'sequel' in the comments.
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