AN: Okay, Suits Fans, this chapter title speaks for itself...
never could have done it with out my amazing beta girls. Heather and Stephanie, you both provided a ton of insight this chapter and came up with some great ideas. Nat and Sarah, thanks for all the advice and time you both give to help guide me.
Hope you all enjoy. And thanks again for all the amazing love and support. I am blessed to be a part of this talented fandom.
Chapter 19 - Inevitable
Harvey and Donna pull up to the yellow Loading/Unloading zone at Pearson International, but they don't see Mike or Rachel. Harvey has always had a preference for fast cars. He's never driven a truck in his life, but there are some occasions where an SUV just makes sense. So when he and Donna agreed they should rent a car for their stay in Toronto he decided on a Range Rover. It was more than enough space for the four of them.
Airport security gives Harvey a wave and an irritated look, signaling that he needs to circle back around. Donna is busy looking through her What to do in Toronto book and humming along to the radio when he pulls out from the curb.
"Where are you going? Isn't that their terminal?" She looks back over her shoulder in confusion.
"Yes. But security was giving me the stink eye. Loading and Unloading is apparently not the same thing as Sitting and Waiting." Harvey shakes his head as he tries to change lanes in the crowded airport. "It's a Monday afternoon, for Christ's Sake. Why aren't you people at work?"
Donna laughs out loud.
"You know, I think there is some kind of big event here this week." She smirks playfully when Harvey lifts an eyebrow in her direction. "Some kind of stupid sports thing," she adds.
"Very funny." He tries his best to sound irritated but the way his eyes crinkle gives him away. "This is just a reminder why I don't own a car. I'd much rather sit in the back and let someone else deal with the traffic."
By the time the couple makes their way back, Mike and Rachel are on the curb with smiles that may not fit in the Range Rover after all.
Harvey puts the car in park but keeps it idling when he hops out to greet his friends.
"It just occurred to me," Harvey says as he approaches Mike, "you're the one who works for me, what am I doing picking you up at the airport?"
"Oh Harvey," Mike says as their handshake morphs into a one-armed hug, "it's so cute that you still don't see you're the one working for me."
The girls squeal and squeeze, and squeeze and squeal until Mike finally peels Rachel off of Donna so he can get a hug of his own.
"You two act like it's been seven years instead of seven days since you've seen each other." Harvey laughs as he throws their bags into the back. And after a quick kiss on the cheek, the four friends hop in the car and get the hell out of the airport.
"Hey, I've never seen you drive a car with four doors, much less a beast like this, you sure you're man enough for this machine?" Mike ribs Harvey from the passenger seat while Donna and Rachel ramble excitedly about all the places they hope to visit this week.
"I outweigh you by fifty pounds. You want me to show you just how much man I am?"
When Mike's eyes go wide and he bursts into laughter, Harvey can't help but join him.
"Okay." He gasps for air between chuckles. "That came out wrong."
Harvey laughs so hard he can barely concentrate on the road. As he catches his breath and listens to the other three start talking about their plans for tonight, he is struck with an unexpected wave of gratitude for the group of people in this car.
In just a matter of months, he'd gone from spending nearly every night alone, closed off from so many people in his life, and pretending he wanted it that way, to watching his best friend get married, reconciling with his mom, and falling madly in love. He glances briefly in the rearview mirror as Donna smiles and laughs with Rachel. He's never seen anything more beautiful. He's never been so grateful. And he could never imagine his life without her.
…
A couple hours later, the group is back in the car after stopping by the hotel to get Mike and Rachel checked in and changed. They were on their way to the Rogers Centre for the Home Run Derby. Harvey didn't have to do anything but watch and cheer on his American League teammates, but all the players were expected to attend.
Once they arrive, Mike and Harvey head to the clubhouse so Harvey can change and Donna and Rachel find their seats. Donna knows that Rachel had been chomping at the bit to continue their earlier conversation, and the minute they are alone, she does just that.
"So?" Rachel turns and stands in front of Donna. "You said we'd talk when I got here. I'm here."
"Let's at least get a beer first?"
"Oh my God, you are stalling!" Rachel calls trying to catch up to Donna who moved around her and kept walking.
"I'm not stalling, I'm thirsty."
If the beers are in fact a stall tactic, they are a good one. The stadium is packed and the lines are long. Donna manages to keep Rachel talking about the new design project she is knee-deep in at work, and she updates her on the time she spent with Harvey's family.
"It's almost like I've known them all my life, Rach. It's so… different than with my family."
The wistful look in Donna's eye doesn't go unnoticed by Rachel and she steers the conversation back to Thomas's offer.
"Okay, I know you said you wanted a beer first, but at this rate, Mike will be back before we take our first sip." Rachel takes Donna's hand and waits for her to return her gaze. "What are you going to do, Donna?"
Donna looks at her best friend and exhales slowly. There is a part of her that is dying to talk this through with the one person she has always been able to go to when life got rough. And there had been plenty of those times over the decade they had been friends. But talking about it made it feel so real, and she wasn't sure she was ready for that.
Finally, Donna nods in agreement. "I don't even know where to start, Rachel. This whole thing is so overwhelming, I just keep pushing it to the back of mind. I—" She swallows and squeezes the hand that is still holding hers. "I can't even wrap my mind around what this would mean."
The line moves and the two scoot forward as Donna's statement hovers over them.
"Let's just break it down, piece by piece," Rachel offers. "When I have a big project at work and I feel like I can't see through all the details, I just try to tackle it one step at a time." She laughs and adds, "You know, my dad used to say, 'You can't eat a whole ribeye in one big bite, you gotta cut it up, eat one piece atta time'.
That gets Donna laughing. "Why does every life lesson you get from your dad have to do with food?"
They finally get to the front of the line and order their draft beers. Rachel gets one for Mike too, because nobody wants to stand in this line again. They can get beer from the hawkers once they find their seats, but not the good stuff.
Donna takes a few big gulps and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. "Okay. Baby steps. Got it."
They hold the conversation while they fight the crowds again and carefully make their way down the concrete steps to the amazing seats Harvey secured for them. Right behind the Blue Jay dugout, which is currently occupied by the American League All-Star team. It only takes Donna a quick survey of the field to spot Harvey. He's standing in a group of other All-Stars, talking with Travis and another player. He looks so natural out there, in front of thousands upon thousands of fans, so in his element, and she couldn't be happier for him. It's the first time she's seen him in this uniform and it pushes her to take another long pull from her plastic cup to cool the heat building in her core.
Damn, he sure is something to look at.
"Okay, for starters," Rachel brings her focus back, "can I just say, congratulations! I get this is a big decision and it's scary and there's a lot to consider, but… holy shit Donna, a role in a movie. Like a real movie! Filmed in Hollywood! Opposite Thomas Kessler!"
"Wait, what?" Donna's eyes shoot from admiring the view and lock on Rachel. "What do you mean opposite Thomas Kessler? He's producing it, not starring in it."
"That's not what Stacie said. She's working on mockups for the film already and she said Thomas was starring in it. The role you'd be playing is his mistress."
Donna just stares blankly at her friend and lifts her beer back to her mouth. Thomas had gone over the role with her in detail, a small-time stage actress, who is the mistress of a senator, goes missing. He just failed to mention that he was playing that politician. Not that it mattered. Well, maybe it mattered a little.
"Anyway, my whole point is to say, congratulations!" Rachel squeals and spills her beer.
Donna smiles over her cup as she takes another drink. She can almost feel the alcohol trying to settle her flaring nerves like an internal war she has no control over. Baby steps…
"The opportunity is exciting." She tries to focus on that single aspect. "If you had told me a year ago that I'd be offered a role in a film from Universal starring Thomas Kessler, I'd have laughed you out of the room." Donna lets the reality of that sink in, maybe for the first time since Thomas had called. She lifts her head to search for Harvey on the field, but quickly closes her eyes and then turns back to Rachel.
"Can you imagine? Donna Paulsen, me," she puts her hand on her chest and shakes her head, "on the big screen in theaters across the world?" She moves her hand from her chest to her mouth, covering it.
"It's incredible, Donna." Rachel smiles as she sets the beers down and places a hand on her friend's knee. "And, yes. I can imagine it. You've earned this Donna. You know that right?"
As if putting on a pair of glasses after staring at a blurry screen for days, everything suddenly becomes clear. She had earned this. Maybe it would work out and her future would be in the movie business. Maybe she would hate it, and return to the stage for good. She honestly had no clue how it would turn out for her. But one thing she did know for certain, was that she'd never find out if she didn't take the chance. She had worked her ass off to get her career moving in the right direction. This is the opportunity of a lifetime, and she couldn't, wouldn't, let it slip by.
"I do know that." This time the smile that spreads across her face is genuine. "I guess I just needed a reminder."
As Rachel smiles back at her, Mike appears behind them with a tray holding three more beers. He looks down at them and chuckles.
"Guess we're getting wasted." He shrugs and sits beside Rachel. "Good thing we have Harvey as our DD."
….
Yesterday had been all about fun and hanging out with guys he was honored to share the field with. Some of them, players he'd admired for years, some far younger than him. Being out on the field wearing that star on his chest had been everything he'd dreamed it would be.
But that was yesterday. And this is today. Today, he has a job to do.
As he buttons the last button of his jersey, Tanner walks up with a wide grin and a fire in his eyes.
"Here we go. You ready?" Tanner smacks his back and starts to walk toward the tunnel.
"Travis?"
Harvey rarely calls him by his first name. He could probably count on one hand the number of times he's done so and at least two of those times he'd been mocking him. It stops Tanner immediately and he turns.
"I never would have made it here…" Harvey pauses and clears this throat. This kind of shit has never come easy to him. He and Tanner had spent years as enemies, but no one could deny the great team they were now. "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. I just want you to know that I know that."
Tanner tilts his head, his expression serious, as he steps back toward him. He puts his hand on Harvey's shoulder and looks him straight in the eye.
"You gonna be alright, man? Can I get you anything? Tissue, glass of water, tampon?"
Harvey shoves Tanner back with two hands to the chest and both friends laugh loud enough to get the attention of the few players still in the clubhouse.
Neither says another word but they share a knowing look before heading out onto the field together. Harvey knows what his catcher really meant was, me too, Harv… me too.
…..
The Specter/Ross/Paulsen party takes over a large portion of seats near the home bullpen, and every single one of them is wearing some kind of Specter shirt. Well, everyone but Donna's father Jim who is proudly sporting an old Blue Jays T-shirt that looks like it's been through the wringer.
Donna introduces her dad to everyone, Gordon, Marcus, Mike, Rachel, and even the surprise addition of Lily and Bobby who made last-minute arrangements to come. She had been a little nervous about it because, ever since she was a child, her father could be a little… unpredictable. When she had first told him about dating Harvey Specter, he had laughed and made some snide comment about her being Harvey's flavor of the month. It had stung, but she was used to his lack of faith in her. He loved her, he always had, but he seemed to disapprove of every decision she'd ever made, moving to New York, pursuing acting, and now, dating Harvey Specter. It didn't really bother her though. Not anymore. She disapproved of most of his decisions, too, so it seemed fitting. Donna had heard people use the phrase, daddy's little girl, but it had never meant much to her. Jim had never been the person she would run to with a problem, or for advice. In fact, she's probably had more of that from Gordon in just a few months than she ever had from him. He hadn't complained about the free ticket to the All-Star Game, though, and so far he'd been quite pleasant. Granted, he hadn't met Harvey yet.
The group has a fabulous time and the game is an exciting one. Normally the All-Star game is dominated by strong pitching which equates to a low-scoring, sometimes boring, game. Not this year. The offenses for both sides had recorded multiple hits and including two home runs. Tanner had an RBI double to put the American League up 5-4 in the seventh inning and Donna knows exactly what that means. Harvey could be set up for a save.
Mike had assured everyone that Harvey would pitch in the game regardless of the score because it was only an exhibition and his typical Closer protocol would not apply. He had been voted on the team because the fans wanted to see him pitch, regardless of the score.
But Donna knows that this scenario is exactly what Harvey had hoped for. He wanted that save tonight, and it looks like he just might get that chance.
…..
Harvey knows the minute the bullpen phone rings that it's time. He pulls the lightweight jacket over his head as he exhales a shaky breath. He's not nervous, per se, but anxious… excited. He had dreamt about this moment and now that it was here he wanted to be sure to savor it. He brings his right arm behind his head and pushes his elbow back with his opposite hand, arching his back and taking in a deep breath of air as he looks out at the packed stadium and the section of seats beside him where everyone who matters to him is watching.
It's a bit foreign to him. This stadium, this bullpen, this uniform, even the players surrounding him are different. But the feeling brewing in his core, that's not foreign at all. He was born to play this game. Every pitching lesson as a kid, every mile he'd run, every weight he'd lifted had led him here. To this moment. It wasn't the World Series, and God willing he'd experience that soon enough, but it was the biggest moment of his career so far and he was ready.
….
"Ladies and Gentleman, now pitching for the American League, representing the New York Yankees, Harveeeey Specterrrrr."
Harvey's heart pounds wildly in his chest as he pushes through the bullpen gate. The peeling guitar solo from ACDC ignites the roaring crowd and Harvey has to bite his tongue to keep from breaking out into a shit-eating grin.
They're playing my song.
He's got his work cut out for him. Facing the middle of the most dangerous lineup in Major League Baseball. He'll face Bellinger, Arenado, and then Bell, any of whom could tie the game with one swing.
Harvey digs his toe into the dirt at the far end of the rubber and slides it back, along the pristine white rectangle as he blows a slow steady stream of air through his lips. It's his signature move and it means he's ready to close the shit out of these guys.
The baseball gripped tightly between his fingers, he places his right hand behind his back as he leans out and over his front knee, the glove on his left hand tucked up under his chin. He looks to Tanner for a sign and knowing his trusted friend is the one behind the plate sends an influx of additional confidence flowing through his veins.
He's done his homework on these guys and so had his catcher. He knows every strength and every weakness. Which pitches to throw and where to throw them. But despite all that, he misses his spot by an inch and gives Bellinger an inside fastball that catches too much of the plate. Luckily, the long fly ball hooks foul before reaching the bleachers in right field. And when the next pitch hits the intended spot, Bellinger misses hard with a powerful swing that comes up empty. One down.
When Nolan Arenado steps into the batter's box he points his bat out at Harvey and looks down the barrel of it with his chin held high. Harvey knows this is a crucial moment. If Arenado gets on base, he will face the potential go-ahead run, Designated Hitter, Josh Bell who is waiting on deck. For a brief moment he flashes back to his first blown save earlier this season when he gave up the walk-off home run in Houston. The dread he felt walking off the field with his head hung low while the Astros celebrated around him.
A deep breath in… and out. He crouches down for the sign from Tanner. Today is not that day.
Two pitches later, he pops Arenado up in deep foul territory behind home plate and Tanner chases it down with a sliding catch. Harvey is down to his final out.
He gets ahead of Bell quickly with a called first strike and then a foul line drive into the net protecting the fans down the left field line. When Tanner gives the sign for the high fastball, Harvey knows he needs to dig deep into the tank and give this pitch everything he's got.
The feeling is surreal. Like it's all happening in slow motion in some baseball movie he watched as a kid. Deep breath in, and out. He finds his grip on the tight seams of the ball, crouches down on his back leg, and strides out as far as his front leg can take him, using the all the power his body has to offer and transferring it into that small white ball as it whizzes from his fingertips, seemingly picking up speed as it travels, finding its way past the bat of Josh Bell and right into the mitt of Travis Tanner.
Before Harvey has a chance to really grasp what he's accomplished, he's being dogpiled by the best players the American League has to offer. And he, undoubtedly, is one of them.
…..
The next two days go by way too fast, but as the saying goes, time flies when you're having fun. The two couples had spent all day Wednesday together exploring the Distillery District, taking touristy pictures and watching Harvey sign autograph after autograph. They met up with Tanner and Scottie for dinner, stayed up too late and drank too much. Donna loved every minute of it.
On Thursday morning, they took Rachel and Mike to the airport, and then met up with Donna's father Jim for lunch. It was about as awkward as Donna had expected, but having been warned, Harvey handled Jim's remarks and interrogation with grace. He even told Jim flat out, You're daughter is the most important person in my life. And Donna almost passed out cold into her salad.
…..
By the time Thursday evening rolls around they finally have a night to themselves. They decide on dinner at a popular Italian restaurant called Buca Bar, which was recommended to them by several locals.
As the night progresses and Harvey brings up the reality of heading home in the morning, Donna can't ignore the churning feeling in her gut. She even considers telling him right there at dinner. Just laying it all on the table and getting it out in the open. But as she searches for the words to start the conversation, the decision to keep it to herself for this long suddenly feels like a mistake. And that tiny twinge of doubt creeps slowly up her spine like a shadow and she downs the last of the wine in her glass.
Tomorrow. She would tell him tomorrow.
…..
Even when you have a great vacation, there is still a feeling of comfort and relief to coming home. And for someone who travels as much as Harvey, there is no sound quite like the click of unlocking his front door.
The couple had gone round and round on whose place to spend their first night back at, but in the end Harvey had won out since he was the one who had to work in the morning, and his place was much closer to the stadium.
"I'm going to hop in the shower real quick, if that's okay?" Donna says as they set their bags down on the bed.
"Perfect, I'll open a bottle of wine and wait for you on the balcony."
After unpacking a few of his things, Harvey heads to the kitchen to grab a bottle of wine and two glasses. It's a beautiful summer night and he's glad they can have a little more quiet time together before life returns to normal tomorrow. As he rounds the island to head outside, he hears Donna's phone buzz as the screen lights up. He hardly casts a glance in its direction but the name on the screen is bold and it stops him in his tracks.
….
Donna throws on some black yoga pants and a loose-fitting sweater. Her hair is still damp but it's a warm July night, so she just shakes it out and heads out to meet Harvey.
"Much better," she says, referring to the refreshing feeling of a cool shower. Harvey doesn't respond but just sips on his wine, looking out at the cityscape.
Donna picks up her glass and takes in the view as well. "What a beautiful ni—"
"You got a message."
Something about his tone and the way he cuts her off stops her in mid-sip. She turns her head to face him, but his eyes are still cast forward.
"While you were in the shower."
And instantly, she knows. She swallows the lump in her throat and sets her glass on the small table between them. Her phone is lying there face up. When she reaches for it, the black screen vanishes and the banner message on her lock screen appears.
Thomas Kessler: Just checking in to see if you've had enough time to consider my offer.
Donna swallows again and sits down for fear her now shaky legs won't hold her weight.
"I was going to tell you. Tonight."
Harvey simply turns his head. His jaw clenched so tightly that the dent in his cheeks is clearly visible. His eyes dark with something, not anger exactly, but… pain.
"Were you?"
He's hurt. She can hear, see it, feel it.
"Yes. I was, Harvey." She scoots forward on the chair so she can reach the hand he has balled on his lap. She wraps her slender fingers around his fist. No excuses, just the truth.
"He called the morning you left for Toronto."
Harvey's eyebrows shoot up in surprise and he takes his hand from under hers and rubs his forehead with it. He lets out an exasperated puff of air and sets his glass on the table next to hers. Interlacing his fingers, he brings his joined hands up to his mouth and leans his elbows on his knees. The fact that he doesn't say anything may speak louder than any words he could have chosen.
Donna can feel her eyes fill as she once again questions her decision to wait this long to tell him. But she had done so with the best of intentions. And this offer was a dream come true for her and she shouldn't have to feel guilty about it. If he loved her, he should be happy for her.
"He called just before I left for the airport. I made a decision to wait until after our trip to tell you about it because this week was about you, Harvey. It was your moment, and I didn't want anything to get in the way of that." Donna can hear the shakiness of her own voice and she curses herself for it.
Once again she is met with silence as Harvey simply stares out at the buildings in front of him.
"And to be completely honest, I couldn't even process the information myself. I had no idea how I even felt about the offer he made, so… how could I really talk with you about it?"
"And now?"
He had been silent for so long, his words actually surprise her.
"What?"
Harvey turns his head and meets Donna's eyes. "And now?" He repeats. "Now, do you know how you feel?" He looks away for a moment and then locks his eyes back on hers. "About his... offer?
The bitterness dripping from the word offer makes her cringe internally, but remembering her conversation with Rachel, she stands firm and nods.
"I do."
Harvey's lips pull tight into a grimace as he pushes up from the chair, placing both his hands on the railing.
Donna stands as well and makes her way over to him.
"Can I tell you about it?"
He nods and she can see, just in his body language, that any initial anger he had been harboring is subsiding. He was hurt that she hadn't told him sooner, but he was ready to listen now.
She takes a chance and reaches for his hand. A sense of relief washing over her when he slides his fingers through hers and opens his shoulders to face her.
"Tell me."
He's tense. Nervous. But God, she can see he is trying and she can sense how difficult this is for him. It's not easy for her either.
"A role in a movie, Harvey. A film he's producing, and apparently starring in. It's a drama," She shakes her head. "A thriller of sorts." She can't hide the excitement in her voice and the more she lets out, the happier she feels. "Can you believe it? A movie? This could change my whole life!"
The moment those words leave her lips she wants to grab them from the air and shove them back down her throat. Career. She'd meant it could change her whole career.
There is no mistaking the look that flashes on Harvey's face. He's smiling at her. Doing his damnedest to mirror the happiness emanating from her. But it's a facade. She knows it as well as he does.
"That's amazing, Donna." He pulls her into a tight embrace, but something is off. She has the bad feeling he's only holding her this tightly so she can't see his face.
"Where?"
It's just one simple word but the weight of it crashes into her like a semi-truck. She's still wrapped in his arms and maybe it's better for the both of them. That way neither has to look at the other as her answer reverberates off the concrete walls.
"California."
…..
California. Of course. The complete opposite side of the country. He had seen this coming. All those weeks ago, he had seen it.
"That's just it, Doc." Harvey hesitates, bringing his eyes back to Stan's. "I don't think it's really Thomas that's got me worried, after all."
"What is it then, Harvey?"
"Ever since my mother… ever since she made me keep her secret, I haven't been able to... trust people."
Stan doesn't respond, he just waits for Harvey to continue.
"I felt like my mother cared more about her lover than she did about me." Harvey wipes his mouth with his hand. Talking about this was even harder than he thought it'd be. "And when I told my dad what had happened, the way I told him." He shakes his head as tears fill his eyes. "And then I just... left. I just left Marcus there all alone to deal with the mess I made."
"You didn't make that mess Harvey. What happened to your family wasn't your fault."
"The thing is, Stan. Deep down, I'm not sure I'm worthy." His voice cracks as he drags a hand through his hair. "I mean if my own mom didn't love me enough to…" He stops mid-sentence. "How can I deserve the love of someone like Donna? The deeper I fall in love with her, the more I fear that losing her is inevitable."
He looks up at Stan and says what he really came in here to say.
"I'm not jealous of Thomas, not really. I'm terrified of what he represents."
Harvey pauses and swallows. Afraid once he speaks the word out loud they will become a reality.
"A future for Donna, that doesn't include me."
….
As the word leaves her lips and makes its way to his ears, his heart shatters into a million tiny pieces. Like a vase falling from a table and crashing on the floor, shards of glass shooting in every direction. All of the air fleeing from his lungs in an instant, he's not sure if the gasp is audible or not, because the ringing in his ears makes it impossible to tell.
He feels the panic attack coming and searches his mind frantically for the strategies he'd work so hard on in therapy. But he can't find them. He can't remember if they ever existed at all. He had seen this coming and had asked Stan for help. If only he could remember a single word his therapist had said.
All he can feel now, besides the bubbling panic in his chest, is fear. Gripping him like a vice, it's as though a switch inside of him has been flipped, and he responds to the fear the way he had all of his life.
"I'm happy for you." He grips her shoulders as he pulls back from the embrace. His tone and expression in complete contrast to his words.
Dropping his hands to his sides, he picks up his glass and empties the contents of it into his mouth. When he grabs the bottle to refill it, his hand is visibly shaking. He had known this day would come.
"Harvey?" Donna exhales a shaky breath.
The way her voice breaks, pains him like a knife in his side. He grapples for control, but keeping his voice even is the best he can manage.
She's leaving me.
"Tell me about the role."
"I don't know what that has—"
"Just tell me, Donna. I think I deserve that much." He doesn't raise his voice. To raise his voice he'd have to feel something. But he's gone completely numb.
She's leaving me.
"A dancer. A rising stage actress who goes missing."
"And Thomas? You said he was acting in the movie as well?" He doesn't know why he's asking these fucking questions. Nothing good will come out of her answers. But he can't stop himself. He's spiraling now.
She's leaving me.
"Yes. A Senator caught in a scandal."
"A scandal?" He doesn't even try to hide the mocking sound in his voice.
He drags his eyes to hers for the first time in minutes and notices a fire building there that hadn't been present earlier. She straightens her spine and lifts her chin just slightly. He's put her on the defensive.
"Yes, Harvey. A scandal. The actress who disappears is his mistress."
He knew it. Kessler wanted her, and not just for her acting ability. He had seen it in the man's eyes the night they met. In the way he looked at her. Any semblance of control Harvey had left dissipates.
"I knew it." Harvey shakes his head with a mirthless laugh.
"You knew... what?" Donna challenges him, her voice escalating.
"Come on, Donna. Why do you think he offered you this role?" It's a shitty thing to say. He knows it and he loathes himself for it. But maybe if he pushes her away, then he can use that as an excuse when she's gone.
"I'll tell you why," she's yelling now, "because I fucking earned it!"
He watches her walk into the apartment and grab her purse. He wishes he could follow her. Stop her and say he's sorry. That he loves her more than he has ever loved anyone in his entire life. He hadn't meant any of it. The way he'd acted, the things he'd said. But he can't move. In fact, he can't breathe.
And as Donna walks out and slams the door behind her, Harvey drops to his chair and lets the panic attack wash over him. His heart pounds uncontrollably as his throat begins to close off his airway.
Breathe. He scolds himself. Gasping deeply, he's able to draw in just a small amount of oxygen. Pressing his eyes shut, he's flooded with a vivid image of the look on Donna's face before she walked away. The pain it stirs inside him far surpases anything this fucking panic attack can bring. He lifts himself from the chair and stumbles into the living room.
His vision blurs significantly, and he gasps for air again, fumbling for the decanter on the side table. He gulps the water down with a shaking hand and coughs out more than he swallows.
After a second drink, he's able to get some down and as his throat clears, so does his mind. Stan's words finally resurface. Clear as day.
Donna loves you, Harvey. And if she ever leaves you, I'm afraid it will be because you left her no other choice.
The gravity of what happened sinks in and takes hold. Slamming the glass back on the table, he pushes off the wall and staggers to his door.
Fuck this. There is no way he is losing her. Not today. Not like this.
Harvey nearly rips the door from the hinges and stares down the empty hallway. His heart rate is back to a dangerous level, and his breathing is wheezy and shallow but it's going to take more than that to slow him down now.
The hallway is empty but he sees the doors to the elevator close. If he's going to catch her, he's got to hurry.
He breaks into a sprint and pounds the elevator button incessantly.
"Come on, come on. Fuck!" He drags a quivering hand through his hair while using the other to brace himself on the wall. It only takes a few seconds but they drag on mercilessly before the double doors finally begin to separate.
With his eyes cast at the floor, he taps impatiently on the wall as the doors open. Before stepping on, he lifts his eyes and his whole world stands still as they lock right on Donna's.