Chapter Twenty-Six: Consequences

Remus had never been so ashamed in his life than when he arrived barely in time for Madam Pomfrey to bustle him to the tree. She had looked so disappointed in him that it seemed to physically slice him to pieces. He cried as she lectured him not even asking what had happened until they reached the Shrieking Shack with very little time to spare.

"Whatever happened Remus better never happen again I don't care what homework assignment was due or what game you were playing with your friends you can't ever cut it that close again young man, do you hear me."

"I was asleep! It might be another werewolf thing," he cried out horrified, because how was he supposed to be responsible if he couldn't seem to stay awake! "I took a sleeping potion last night to…."

"You did what?" Madam Pomfrey asked, surprised.

"I didn't steal one honest. I asked Frank for one so I didn't have to come all the way here again after bothering you. He's a very nice prefect so when I woke him at one in the morning he wasn't even angry he just gave me one, not that I'll ever ask him again since that would be suspicious, only my head hurt so bad and I was so tired and…"

"Remus! Remus."

He stopped his panic rambling realizing she didn't look cross with him anymore, though he couldn't see why. Sleeping wasn't an excuse for putting the lives of everyone in the Gryffindor common room at risk, he shuddered and more tears streamed down his cheeks.

"Remus darling, I'm sorry I should have realized you'd never. Oh, dear…"

"Madam Pomfrey you have to leave now," he gasped out, his anxiety over her being here still, reaching a painful point as he was forced to contemplate how close he had come to killing his friends. If it hadn't been for Lily..., only why had she woken him?

But he wasn't about to ponder that now...he couldn't go there right now.

"We'll talk after dear. I'm sorry I should have asked..."

He nodded, only half paying attention. She knew how he got with people being near him this close to transforming, even if he still had fifteen minutes to moonrise it felt like he only had three seconds. She gave him one last sad look knowing he was no longer really listening to her and left him to his tears and fears.

He collapsed against the floorboards sobbing, his fingernails clawing at the wood as the sheer shame crashed against him like a wave.

Stupid human stupid human feelings. My turn shut up, it's my turn.

He could see their dead mangled bodies so clearly when he closed his eyes. How many times had he dreamt about ripping them to shreds and this time he had actually come terribly close to doing just that. Surely Dumbledore or Madam Pomfrey would have done something if he hadn't appeared in time... right? It looked like Madam Pomfrey had been about to go get him herself even if that would have raised a lot of questions. Better that though than becoming a murderer.

Shut up with your puny insignificance. STOP FIGHTING

The angry growl reverberated against his skull and he felt something split deep inside him. He shuddered against the pain as his body began to change, tears still streaming down his cheeks. He didn't bother talking back to the angry voice that demanded blood demanded he silence his mind.

His screams turned to howls, the sadness he was feeling becoming for a few minutes a beautiful melody of anguish before the anger, the blood-red rage of being trapped of the smell of human driving him crazy took over completely, and all Remus could remember was the pain and blood until the wolf finally tired itself out from the raging and the tearing of flesh.

…...

Sirius stayed up all night pacing, well he tried to. He had gone through all of Remus' belongings for a clue, anything! James finally agreeing it was warranted. But if Remus kept a log of his disappearances or a journal or anything of significance he must know better than to keep it with his things. Finding nothing in the trunk he had searched the room ignoring James' comment that he was like a Niffler on a trail.

Only Sirius was pretty sure Nifflers were supposed to find gold and he had found, well….nothing. It was so infuriating. He figured if he stayed up pacing all night he could solve the nagging feeling at the back of his head, telling him he somehow already knew the answer. But that was stupid because if he knew it then he would know it, and he still remained hopelessly lost.

…...

"Sirius….Sirius get up."

He woke with a jolt, dangling off his bed where he had passed out after hours of pacing and driving himself crazy: both Peter and James looked well-rested and eager to get down to breakfast. It took Sirius' exhausted mind a few minutes to realize why.

"Oh!"

"Yeah oh," Peter laughed grinning ear to ear.

The visitors were arriving today!

Sirius quickly threw on clothes to Peter and James' taunting they'd leave him behind if he didn't hurry. They all left their dorm thinking and speaking of Remus for a while, just a short while.

Sirius wasn't done by a long shot but there wasn't a whole lot they could do until next month. In the meantime, though they could distract themselves with exotic students, the rumors making them barely sound human. Well if they weren't he supposed Professor Corbyn could use them in class.

"Hurry Sirius or we really will leave you behind."

"I'm coming, I'm coming," he barked, tugging on his shoe and hurrying after them.

When they arrived the Great Hall was abuzz with anticipation. Sirius was tired and anxious for the visitors to arrive, in fact, all conversation seemed to revolve around that and there was a hush throughout as if everyone was subconsciously being quiet so they could hear when the visitors arrived.

Then the mail arrived and the chatter picked up a bit as people collected letters from family members. Sirius was busy discussing the rumored beauty of the Beauxbaton students when something fell in front of him.

"Stupid owls they can't even deliver….." he trailed off as dread filled him. "No," he whispered in disbelief.

"Yeah that's what I'm saying there's no way…...on…..," James trailed off, noticing what had suddenly made Sirius lose the rest of his already sparse appetite.

"Best get it over with mate…"

"Shut up!"

"I'm trying to help Sirius, you don't wanna ignore it," James said seriously, a sort of hushed reverence to his voice. Easy for him to be in awe, the damn howler wasn't bloody addressed to him!

"Hey guys Marlene thinks….oh fuck!"

"Peter!" James gasped in surprise and Sirius burst out laughing at the vulgar mouth of Peter who had learned all sorts of swears from his uncles over the summer. It had been just what he needed to give him the courage to open the letter.

"Cheers mates," he said dryly, both Peter and James giving him sympathetic looks as if he was about to go to war. Sirius was hoping if he timed it right the excitement over the visitors arriving would drown out whatever his mother, no doubt, said. But the howler started fizzing so he didn't have much of a choice.

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK!"

Yep, that was definitely his mother's obnoxious voice, he cringed from the sheer volume of it, feeling as if all eyes were suddenly on him. Because they were! He had become the attention of the entire school and he didn't like it nearly as much as he thought he would….

"BANE OF MY EXISTENCE! BLOOD TRAITOR! HOW DARE YOU CONSORT WITH THAT DISGUSTING MUGGLE LOVING IMBECILE WHOSE NO LONGER A PART OF OUR FAMILY. OHHHH YOU WRETCHED CREATURE WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME SO!"

Sirius' cheeks had gone dark red, by now all pretense of not caring had drained with the rest of his bloody dignity. Worst of all she was just gearing up, he was sure even with her being irate she wouldn't air any more of their dirty laundry, but it would be a lie if he said he wasn't deeply worried about it.

"YOUR FATHER AND GRANDPARENTS ARE SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU! THERE WILL BE DIRE CONSEQUENCES WHEN YOU GET HOME YOUNG MAN!"

He could feel rather than see, as he was all but underneath the table, James' and Peters' concerned looks in his direction when they heard that. Dammit! He could feel tears of frustration prick his eyes and he considered running for it.

Would the howler stay where it was or chase him?

"THIS IS THE LAST STRAW. WE HAVE BEEN LENIENT OF YOUR TOMFOOLERY BUT NO MORE! YOUR UNCLE IS BANNED FROM SEEING YOU AND WHAT YOU HAVE ACCESS TO WILL BE STRICTLY MONITORED WHEN YOU ARE HOME. THERE WILL BE NO MORE BAD INFLUENCES FOR YOU! AND YOU BETTER STOP BEING SUCH A BAD INFLUENCE ON REGULUS. HE'S THE ONLY THING WE GOT RIGHT AND IF YOU EARN HIM ANOTHER DETENTION THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY!"

What? Detention?

His mother's voice had risen to an earsplitting crescendo and then it was over, leaving a dead and uncomfortable silence in her disastrous wake.

Sirius licked his lips trying to find the bravery to stop slouching, to sit proudly in his seat like the bloody Black he was. Except he felt like anything but a Black at the moment. At least he had the indignation of being blamed for Regulus, and the curiosity over what his brother had done, to keep him from crying.

"Well…..well….blimey Sirius….I uh….," James began awkwardly, helping Sirius back up into his seat. He was pretty sure he could still feel the eyes of every student still on him. At least Remus hadn't been here to witness his humiliation. Only, if Remus had been there Sirius figured he might be feeling better, his friend always seemed to know exactly what to say.

It was a skill that was infuriating at times but would have been comforting now. Instead, he had dumpy little Peter who was gaping at him stunned into silence, and James who kept almost starting to say something but instead just awkwardly patted Sirius' back as if that would fix everything.

"I'm going to get some fresh air," he muttered

"Want us to come?"

"Yes!" he thought to himself bitterly. But the idea of sobbing to Peter and James over his infuriating mother, expressing emotions he could hardly understand himself, sounded as appealing as stabbing himself with a fork.

"No that's fine," he said instead, glimpsing James slight frown as he wondered if Sirius really meant it or not.

He left quickly before James could get it in his stupid head to 'be a hero' and follow him after all. Even if James did there was nothing he could do.

Sirius walked down the Great Hall wishing badly that Drommie was still here, wishing he could talk to her. Because she understood now better than anyone else. Maybe he'd write to her again, but she just had a baby and he didn't want to worry her, since short of letting Sirius live with her there wasn't much she could do either.

It took him a second to realize he was walking to the tree he had met Drommie under during their pretty common meetups last year.

Remus was right, geez was he really that predictable?

He was just thinking about walking somewhere else because, as Peter had so elegantly put it, fuck, just fuck everything. Then he heard footsteps rapidly approaching him. He turned unsure if he was going to bite James' head off for following him or burst into tears, only to be taken aback. It wasn't James who had followed him.

"Are you alright? I figured you wouldn't really want to be alone," Lily gasped, her usually neat red hair frizzing slightly in her rush to catch up to him.

As she stood there face flushed, trying to recover from her appalling lack of physical stamina, Sirius thought he saw for just a fraction of a second what James -and possibly Remus- saw in her. Lily was attractive enough sure, but there was this...this goodness about her that Sirius found even more appealing and frustrating.

"Why? We aren't even friends."

"Oh goodness Black," she huffed, sounding her usual bossy self which quickly got rid of the illusion of her kindness, until she flashed him -a very unlike her- sheepish smile, "we have a mutual friend between us and that's good enough for me."

Sirius laughed, she didn't have to be that honest.

"You were supposed to say, yes we're friends, or something a little more comforting than that," he pointed out with his own sheepish grin. Lily blushed but stood her ground with her own stubborn streak that easily surpassed James', and maybe even Remus'.

"Well, I didn't want to lie. I mean you're alright enough. But your other friends are too moronic to come after you and someone needed to."

"Well, then you could have said something like you secretly have a crush on me since I'm soooo charming."

"Now you sound like James," she scoffed, rolling her eyes in her very typical manner, especially when James came up. Funny though, Sirius didn't think James would be caught dead saying that to Lily since it would confirm a truth he was so desperately trying to fight.

"So you have a secret crush on James then?" he asked amused. Lily's face went dark red and her eyes narrowed in warning, in a familiar 'say another dumb word and I'll hex you' warning that regrettably, James wasn't there to receive instead.

"Quit changing the topic, Sirius. Honestly, you're as bad as…."

"Remus," Sirius finished for her, suddenly finding it hard to swallow.

Lily's face remained nearly as red as her vibrant hair, but her eyes softened and she nodded. Unspoken questions hung in the air. Sirius wanted to ask them, but something about her gentle expression told him that however hard he tried he'd never get anything out of Lily. He realized that she'd rather die than betray Remus, which unfortunately just made his respect for her grow.

"I wasn't changing the topic you brought James up so suddenly so I…"

"I only meant you sounded as arrogant as him. If that toe rag had a crush on me I'd smack him across the face."

"Yes, you do like to do that don't you," Sirius snapped, voice ice cold. Lily seemed to regard him with something that came dangerously close to understanding.

"I'm sorry I did that Sirius it wasn't right of me."

"No, it wasn't."

"Next time I'll curse you instead."

That caused Sirius momentary pause.

"How about you just leave me to my own opinions," he mumbled.

She was such a nosy little twat!

"I can't do that," she replied softly, unconsciously glancing upward as if suddenly unable to meet Sirius' eyes.

He knew..., suspected where the line of reasoning would take him if he dared to follow it.

But he didn't, because that line of reasoning was traitorous and painful and he refused to go there. He stopped himself before the thoughts could even fully become thoughts, refusing to even remotely consider Lily's reactions to dark creatures and Remus' secret may be connected. Instead, his thoughts took the much safer and therefore actually plausible route that Lilly was, predictably, just an annoying swat.

"Whatever. How about you leave before you piss me off more," he replied in a more commanding tone than he intended. Her eyes flashed and she bit her lip as if to physically stop some snappy retort from flying from her mouth.

For one second it looked like she might hex him, then she looked pained and took a deep, purposeful breath and calmed down. She really was taking this 'be nice to everyone' thing seriously wasn't she? Weird, he already found Lily sort of nice though he wouldn't tell her that since if this was going to make her keep her mouth shut and be less bossy then he wasn't about to protest.

"Your mother sounded very upset," she pointed out softly, skipping pleasantries and going straight for the target it seemed. He reflexively tensed at his mother being mentioned and stopped himself from snapping at Lily.

He wasn't about to be stood up in politeness by Lily freakin Evans.

Though he chose not to, Sirius had been raised with a book of manners attached to his hands, and being polite but curt seemed to be the best way to get Lily to bugger off.

"We had a disagreement. Thank you for your concern but it's family business."

Lily raised her eyebrows at him, well maybe he was laying it on a little thick. He sounded stupid and pompous sounding less like his Aunt Druella who he had been trying to sound like, and more like his Uncle Alphie trying to sound like her.

"I'm alright Lily. Of course, it was upsetting but it really is just….dramatic family drama."

Lily sighed and sat down on the grass making herself comfortable. No, no, no that was the opposite response of the one she was supposed to have. She curled her fingers around strands of grass picking at it without seeming to notice.

"I know a bit about family drama. You met my sister and I know how unpleasant family can be at times."

That got Sirius, how dare she compare her situation to his, it was laughable that she could do so. Only at the moment, it was more infuriating.

"That's nothing compared to your mom being unpleasant. Your sister being a bully to you doesn't come close to my mom who…," he trailed off, eyes widening in realization. Lily hadn't purposely said that to rile him up had she? He knew she was clever, but there was book clever and people clever and it would be all sorts of unfair if she was both.

"I'm sorry Sirius. It sounds like she's trying to isolate you from your cousin right?"

Sirius shuddered, how did Lily know so much?

"Has Remus been talking to you about me?" he asked sharply, angrily. If there was one thing that pissed him off it was backstabbing friends. Even if Remus had done it on accident he doubted he could forgive him.

"What? No of course not, he'd never! Is that how little faith you have in him?" she scolded and he grew defensive rather than admit 'that, of course, Remus would never confide his secrets to someone else', and he had then been wrong to suggest it. Sirius had already been 'wrong' too many times around Lily and he was sick of it.

"Well, why shouldn't I! He's so secretive it makes me wonder if I even know him at all," he snapped and Lily's face went splotchy with anger. He half expected her to slap him and run off. By her expression, it looked like she was seriously considering it.

"Remus is a better friend than you deserve and you just keep hurting him," she hissed angrily instead, getting to her feet with an air of superiority he didn't at all like. "You better stop pushing away people who are just trying to help you, Sirius. It's a thoroughly displeasing trait and makes you more like your family than I think you want to be!"

"You have no right to speak of my family! I had every right to be suspicious, you knew more than you should."

"Because I'm friends with Alice who is friends with Ted! Besides, it doesn't take a genius to see how mean they are to you. Why are you trying to defend them?" she shouted at him in confusion and frustration.

Of course, he should have known Lily would have heard it from someone else. For some reason that realization just made him feel worse and angrier.

"Because they are my family. Yeah, they suck but they are the only ones I got. How would you feel if everyone knew what your sister was like and either whispered about it behind your back or got angry at you if you defended her!" he bellowed, now on his feet, shouting as loud as he could, which helped him feel a bit better.

After all he didn't have to worry about Lily's feelings as he had to with his friends, even if he did a bad job at that with them. This meant he could scream and curse and let all his anger out without even trying to hold himself back, and it felt good. However, rather than continue to get angry Lily looked taken aback and then ashamed.

"You're right. We shouldn't have been talking about it behind your back. Alice was just worried about Andromeda who was worried about you and...well sorry. You're right I would be angry too if our situations were reversed and I have defended Tunney to my friends. So I get it….well sort of. You're also right that I can't compare but…..well I mean I get the basics of it."

All the anger and turmoil that had been bubbling and churning around inside Sirius left him as if his exhale at Lily's words had been powerful enough to simply expel the nasty angry feelings.

Instead, he just felt tired now, and sad...so unbearably sad. He sat back down on the grass and buried his face in his knees. This wasn't at all fair, Lily shouldn't be nearly as good at Remus at calming him down. He just wanted to be mad at her, wanted to hate her, all of her goody two sshoes already knowing about Remus self, but she made that really hard sometimes.

"I guess that's fair enough," he mumbled feeling miserable.

"I'm sorry your mother is so mean to you."

"Thanks," he retorted sarcastically.

"She's not right to say such awful things about you. I bet you're a….well a handful Sirius but I bet you're also a good son."

He looked at her surprised and she gave him a sincere friendly smile.

"How bad was it? You know….how long will people talk about it?" he asked, uncomfortable but somehow trusting her to give him an honest answer, not just one he wanted to hear.

"Oh, just until the visitors arrive I imagine. You'll have to do more than that to get the whole school to talk about you Sirius," she laughed.

"I guess the visitors trump me for now. But just you wait! When James and I are both on the Quidditch team we're going to be legends."

"I don't doubt it," she replied, humoring him, but also begrudgingly acknowledging he had a point because he did. Just thinking about it cheered him up,... mostly.

"You aren't such an insufferable swat after all Evans," he replied, feeling generous.

"Gee thanks," she replied sarcastically but grinned down at him and when she offered him her hand to help him up he took it. They walked back to the castle striking up a, 'dare he say friendly', conversation about Elvis which was mostly just Lily listening to him rant about the adorable ball of fluff that had completely stolen his heart.

For someone who talked so much Lily was actually a surprisingly good listener. As they approached the Great Hall, Sirius slowed, his negative feelings returning as he approached the problem, well part of it anyways.

"I'm sure the visitors will be here any minute," she assured him kindly. Sirius nodded in appreciation and understanding.

"Go on. Thank you, Lily, I mean it."

"Oh, you'll be back to thinking I'm an annoying swat by tomorrow I reckon."

"You're much too generous with yourself, dinner at the latest."

Lily laughed and it was much more pleasant when she was laughing with him rather than with a group of her girlfriends laughing at him and his friends.

"Well, I'll go back to thinking you're insufferable before you reach the Gryffindor table so I suppose that's fair."

"We're going to prank you and the girls. You have been warned. Nothing dreadful, just a harmless prank war."

Wow, he really was feeling generous!

James would be pissed when he found out Sirius gave away one of their tactical advantages. Not that the girls were much of a threat.

"How kind of you to warn us. You better think carefully that that's actually what you want to do," Lily pointed out with a smile that had Sirius thinking maybe, just maybe, he had underestimated the girls too much.