If The Cold Can't Stop Her

By: SheAlwaysDies

*this story has content related to self harm and abuse*

Anna was cataloguing the feeling of cold. It had become an obsession of hers since she had learned to detect Elsa's signature chill. She had taken such care throughout her life to build up her long term memory. She had even sought out literature on the subject and learned different methods of taking the present and sealing it into her past. Honing in on her senses was one of the best tactics. When she found herself wanting to keep a memory she would start to focus on the feel, the smells, the tastes, and that cemented what she saw into her bank.

The cold, she'd always notice the cold first. As she dug through that familiar sensation she found that Elsa's cold was ever present. She knew now that it meant Elsa had been near and that her sister's eyes had been on her.

She recalled her secret outings to the creekside. Anna loved the cold of water, but where the stream wasn't caressing past her, on her exposed skin, she felt a different cold raking her frame. It felt like a touch of its own and Anna would feel so cooped up if she wasn't able to make an escape to her refuge. She craved the lingering chill on her body. So much so that her skin crawled when she felt it, and she would break down in sobs if it didn't meet her at the creek.

When it was present, she never dared to do anything different. She would take off all her clothes and wade in the water. When it started to pull away, Anna had learned, she could move out of the creek and lay down on her back. That's when it was most intense. Anna was always baffled that the sun could dry her skin when the cold was stroking her. The Princess didn't know that this sensation was actually a presence but she was terrified that it would one day not come to her anymore. So she resisted the urge to run her hands along the cool graze and did so only after she was safe in her bed. In her journal she would tell Elsa about it. She would confess how much she wanted it to dip inside her, she detailed how she wanted to watch it touch Elsa that same way.

Anna had obsessed so much over that feeling that now that she looked back it was easier to link her memories to Elsa's distant companionship. It made her feel like she had been less alone. It seemed like it had been Elsa's way of knocking on the door. Elsa's lingering eyes did eventually stop joining her at the creek. As Anna examined her memories she found it correlated with an uprising of heat. There was a point where Anna barely felt the cold draft that used to blow into the hallway from Elsa's room. It coupled with the hard times of Anna's life and from what the Princess had learned, it matched up with Elsa's too.

The cold in question had followed Anna into her bedroom after she had put an end to her fight with the Queen. It settled between her neck and her cheek as Anna tossed herself into her bed. To keep from crying she focused on the cold. It had felt superficial during her argument, its unique feeling was absent and what was left was just plain cold. The things Elsa had said to Anna had felt that way too. The Queen had been glacial in a way Anna didn't recognize.

Even with Elsa absent, the cold was with her now. Anna opened her hand and laid it flat on the bed. She felt the magic respond and travel down her arm along her bones. When it reached her palm it circled around like a dog trying to get comfortable before it nuzzled in. Anna couldn't see it but she felt it. It felt just like the skipping stones Elsa had made for her that day and when they were children.

Anna focused herself on the invisible mass. The cool feeling in her hands brought her back to the countless moments she'd shared with her big sister here in this room. All the elegantly crafted wooden toys they spent hours playing with caused the same sensation in her hands. It was like a frozen burn that used to stick onto her skin. It always felt like she was on the brink of having to let go but it never got too intense. Anna had always assumed that Elsa had been hidden away in her own suite with all of Anna's favourite figurines. But now she had a fuller idea of what had happened, she understood why everything she could imagine she had owned. Elsa had made her all of her favourite toys as a child.

The more Anna thought of it, the deeper she was getting into her memories and the colder she felt. She remembered the sound of breaking glass and knew now it was ice. Elsa was crying, and in the other room their father destroyed the things her sister had made. But they were moving, Elsa had said. Anna had never understood that memory. Now she knew they had life and that Agnarr had extinguished it.

There was an awful storm that day, the clouds had covered all of Arendelle. The clouds dropped light snow on the entire Kingdom for several nights, maybe even into weeks. Anna felt the shift as the night cleared. The girls were hiding under the bed playing with ice and their mother rushed into the room. She pulled up the bed skirt and looked over at the sisters. Anna remembered her mother's smiling eyes as she brought her index finger to her lips and waved them out of their hidden play spot. Anna let her body crush the snowflake landscapes, as she army-crawled into her mother's arms.

"You're feeling better Elsie?" Their mother had asked as Elsa popped out from the other side. She wasn't as merry as she had been just a moment before, still she nodded in agreement. The girls were sent to bed but Anna hasn't been able to sleep. Her mind was a flurry as it thought up new games to play and continued the story lines they were so engrossed in earlier.

The clouds had cleared and it meant the castle would be well illuminated with moonlight. The girls would be able to play throughout the entire night without being in a limited space. Anna could feel Elsa feign annoyance as Anna tried to wake her, but even then Anna knew how to move her sister. Elsa couldn't say no to her. It wasn't a long conversation until the pair went to their new hiding spot.

It was hours. Anna was sure they played for hours. Elsa filled the entire ballroom with snow. They had wrestled, they had roleplayed, they had gotten married, all the while Olaf was dragged around the ice with them. Elsa had buried Anna in a pile of snow and the little Princess felt so alive under the cold. When she came out, all she wanted to do was be coated again. She started jumping, and it never once crossed her mind that Elsa could have been spent or tired. Anna just kept pushing. She kept jumping. She kept believing that under her sister's spell nothing could ever go wrong. She was so sure of it that she didn't even realize what had happened even after she got hit with ice.

Anna would pay for that moment, for thirteen years, she would pay. Elsa had always thought it was her own fault. She had told Anna that she had slipped on the ice. But Anna wasn't so sure how true that was. What really caused her to fall was, Anna. Elsa was still paying, she carried that shame with her in everything she did.

The Princess knew she had resurfaced this memory for a reason. She knew it now from her perspective, she knew how it had changed Elsa and her parents. She had even heard the story from outsiders. But now that she saw it, she saw something more clearly. Elsa was a very powerful being but she had her limits. No matter how great her love for Anna, there was a point she would never be able to reach. She was almighty, but she was also human.

Anna had pushed this idea to open up to the Kingdom, with the notion that Elsa couldn't be stopped. It was easy to be fearless knowing that Elsa would always have her back. Anna knew that trying to stop the wedding wasn't a good idea, but with this new memory she was starting to understand why.

Acting out against this wedding would be like taking that last leap and expecting Elsa to be able to catch her. Disrupting the royal court would be Anna taking what she wanted and letting Elsa pick up the pieces. The Queen would always have to pay the heavier price. When Elsa was telling her it couldn't be, there was a chance that what she really meant was that Elsa was slipping. She was calling out for Anna to stop before she couldn't reach the point where all the plates dropped.

Anna could offer to fight at her sister's side, but she couldn't spear head the battle. She couldn't win it for her sister. Elsa would be forced to bear the brunt. Anna was not a child anymore, she couldn't leap and let her sister be the one to fall. As sweet as Elsa's kiss was, Anna didn't want to consume Elsa. Had that been the nature of their entire relationship? Anna had been selfish, even as a child. She wanted to feel the cold and she took it from Elsa with an unquenchable thirst. Elsa just gave and gave. Anna drank, and never returned a single thing. Even her knocks on the door felt selfish to the redhead now. What good did they serve Elsa? Every rejection cleansed Anna of any guilt. It was a show of good faith, the Princess tried, she never relented.

When she knocked on the door was she really expecting Elsa to let her in? Or had she been telling Elsa she was failing her? The constant state of gray in which she grew up with was of her own making. Tarik had said it, she never once, really tried to break down the door. Somewhere along the line Anna had managed to decide that not knowing was better than having the truth.

She'd protected herself, and herself only. She got to live herself without tainting her image of her parents. She got to mourn their loss. She got to be the one that showed up, that people saw. She got to be the good daughter and Elsa was burdened as the cold sister. Anna had not only let it happen but she preferred it that way. How could she ask Elsa to relive that?

She had to let Elsa get married. Elsa deserved control. Tarik was right about Anna. Everything he left unsaid about her was true. Anna didn't deserve the benefit of the doubt, she didn't get to say her parents had manipulated her. She was the only one that could have helped Elsa and she had never really tried to. Her sister was a smart woman. She had said that Tarik was a trustworthy person. Maybe he was better suited to heal Elsa. The Queen explained it to Anna, their relationship was not of sisters or lovers, and therefore was too broken to do any fixing. If Elsa felt that way, if she thought Tarik enough, then the Princess should do the same.

Anna shuttered at the thought. She closed her fist on the cold and she felt it deflate and dissipate. It wasn't the right answer either. That was knocking at the door and pushing it all back onto Elsa as well. If Anna wanted to be the girl that bears the burden then there was only one solution. It was one of Anna's greatest fears. It was the unknown. It was what had crippled her at the other side of Elsa's door all those years. It was why she never dared ask her parents too much. It was why she focused so much on the past. It was why she read fantasy stories that had no way of becoming real life. It was why she never tried the door knob. The unknown paralysed her.

Anna had to let Elsa get married. Elsa deserved control. Elsa deserved to leave this place. Anna already knew that to be true. Now, she had to prepare to go with her, to leave behind her safe place, that wasn't even really that much of a sanctuary. If Anna looked at the castle more closely she would realize it was as damaged as Elsa's bedroom. It wasn't a prudent place. It was a dungeon that she'd let control her. If Anna wanted to save Elsa she would have to take this leap.

She didn't know if she was good enough for her sister. What Tarik said against her and that Elsa felt that she couldn't open up to Anna were marks against her. But Elsa wanted her, and that had to be enough. If they arrived at wherever unknown place they were going, and Elsa decided Anna wasn't anything like her fantasies, then at least they were sisters. They didn't need a Kingdom to be that. It was decided. Anna would let Elsa get married.

Anna felt lighter as she got up out of her bed. The feeling of guilt was still eating at her and she was nervous to return to Elsa's room. The blonde had been so cruel and Anna still felt raw from it. She would overlook it. She hadn't been kind either but the fight would be worth it if they got to be together in the end.

The Princess took a look around her childhood bedroom. She had done the same a few nights ago when Elsa warned her they might have to run. She hadn't wanted to leave anything behind but that suddenly wasn't the case anymore. Hadn't she dedicated herself to her memories so that she could always have them with her?

Anna was about to exit the room, with a small goodbye she decided she would be ok if she never stepped foot in it again. But the cold came at her. It didn't want her to leave. It suddenly swelled up in the room. It wasn't a chill that could be squashed anymore and it pushed at the side of her face and body making her stumble away from the door. She used her dresser to regain her footing and once she was upright she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror.

The streak in her hair was thicker now. So much so that it looked like it had growing up. It was prominent and stark against her red hair. The cold was showing her this.

"Damn," Anna said as she started to sympathize with Elsa. The Queen had been shaken by the white and Anna knew this couldn't go unchecked. She had promised Elsa she would deal with it, if the need arrived.

The Princess took a deep gulp as she looked out the window. It was still pitch dark out. She might have enough time to get reassurances from the Trolls and make it back for the wedding ceremony. But it meant she didn't have time to reconcile with her big sister. She didn't have time to tell Elsa she chose her right back. Anna put out her palm and felt the cold jump in. There wasn't time for any hesitation. She grabbed a cloak and took to the stables.

There was still staff crawling everywhere and Anna used it to her advantage. She smiled at everyone she ran into and fell into a skip and dance. She played the childlike Princess and not a single person saw through her as she sidelined towards the stables. It was the one place no one had any business in today. The horses were getting a rest as all of Arendelle focused on the upcoming ceremony.

"Hey girl," Anna said to her favourite mare as she approached it fast.

"I need your help," she said softly but hastily. She knew her nervous energy was no good here so she tried to keep her calm about her. The animal started lifting its front hooves in excitement.

"No time for a brush," Anna said. She reached her hand out in front of the mare and opened it to get the animal acquitted with the bit of Elsa's cold that had decided to accompany the Princess. The mare sniffed at it for quite a while and even though every muscle in Anna's body was telling her to keep moving she was glad to see the animal sensed it. She wasn't delusional. Anna moved into the stable and started saddling up the mare. The animal watched her eagerly and Anna made sure to rub her down a bit while she worked quickly.

"See we get a chance to say goodbye to each other," Anna said as she brought the halter up to the mare. The animal followed along as Anna slowly made her way out of the stables. She had never snuck out with a giant animal before, but it couldn't be harder than pulling Kristoff around.

"Stop there," Of course luck was not on her side today. The Princess recognized the voice immediately. It was the Captain. He approached with his hand on the helm of his sword. "What business have you here?"

Anna removed the hood of her cloak and stepped forward. The man softened for a moment and then bared his teeth before bowing.

"I'm leaving." She said. She was going to offer an explanation but when the two words came out of her mouth they hit her in the stomach. She just stopped there and the words hung. She was leaving and the steady presences in her life wouldn't exist to her anymore. They would keep on living but the loss to her would be like if they was dead. She lunged forward and wrapped her arms around his waist.

"I'm going to see the trolls. I will be back by morning. I trust I will be safe but you can accompany me if you want." She said as she dug herself into his stomach. The man's arms hovered high above her. She had never before seen him hesitate. FInally they dropped down around her and with little pressure held her. He gave her back a small rub.

"I will send someone to meet you back." He said.

"As long as they don't slow me down," Anna added as she let go of her grasp. She'd dropped a few of the tears she had left. He reached out and wiped her face. They exchanged a smile and Anna mounted her horse. She was glad she would save time not having to sneak around.

"He-ya," she called out into the night and her horse took off. She found the trail quickly, and tore down it with ease. Elsa had forged this path, as she pushed the horse forward and the cold air rushed past her face, she steadied herself, she built herself back. She was determined and that made her feel stronger. The Princess drove the mare full force and only slowed down if the terrain was unfavourable. She was making good time, yet the sky still lightened.

The redhead left the horse tied up when there was still a bit of ways to go to get to the trolls. This animal was fast, and she enjoyed the cold, but she was easily spooked. The trolls made a real racted. Anna couldn't afford to be left behind by her a second time.

When she arrived at the clearing, she saw the trolls, but they were all perfectly still. Their home looked like a mystical place. Their tucked in bodies look like stones you would travel to for prayer. They seemed holy and scared. They were so quiet that they didn't seem sentient. Anna wasn't sure how to approach them. She had never come alone. Kristoff would always start talking and he knew the names of the Trolls without seeing what Anna thought were their most distinguishable traits. It was impossible for her to make out which would be Grand Pappie. She stood in the centre of them for a long while hoping one to rouse.

"Hello?" she said finally. She was not answered.

"I'm looking for Grand Pappie." She leaned over to touch the top of a larger rock hoping it was an elder.

"Hello?" She said as she gave it a little rub but, again, got no response. She paced between the sleeping creatures, looking at each of them closely, to see signs of alertness. This was taking too long.

"Grand Pabbie!" She called out now but even with a full voice the sound was nothing like what the trolls were used to.

"Please!" Anna called out. Anna sat down. She looked up towards the sunrise. She would have to wait for the trolls to wake. She leaned up against one of the trolls, the curve of its body was comforting. She had to say goodbye to them as well. So as she closed her eyes she focused on the smell of moss, and wet, it was so powerful she could taste it with every inhale. The stone under her cheek was smooth and warm. She remembered the feeling of her fingers buckling under the weight of the troll children and how she, an eighteen year old, had back pains for days after playing with them. She remembered the sounds of their laughter, and how Bulda's voice sounded like it belonged in a song. She fell asleep storing the memory of the trolls away.

"Princess?" Anna heard a voice pierce through her sleep. It was the same melodic one she fell into rest thinking of. "Princess?" It said again and Anna forced her eyes open.

"What's my boy's wedding date doing all the way over here?" The troll woman asked once their eyes met. Anna looked out. The sun was low but the sky was blue. The trolls were all still in the same spots as they had been since she arrived. She didn't have much time but she wasn't too far gone yet.

"Oh hi, sorry, I came to talk to Pabbie." Anna said and she tried to get her body to respond to her awake mind.

"He's up high in the mountains. This is a monumental occasion, he wishes to watch it from the clearest vantage." Bulda said, she took her eyes off the Princess to look at the rocky terrain above them, and then drew them towards Arendelle.

"My sister's wedding?" Anna asked.

"Yes, you will see." Bulda said. Anna knew she didn't have enough time to press Bulda about it.

"Can you help me?" Anna asked, she had to prioritize her dilemma.

"I can show you different paths but only you can help you." Bulda answered. Anna sat up fully and crossed her legs. She mindlessly reached out to the troll that had kept her company and rubbed it's back.

"I need to know if this is of concern." Anna pulled out the strand of hair that had been bleaching all those around it. As she examined it she was a relief to see it unchanged.

"It's coming back then?" Bulda said, her face grew concerned, she brought her hands into her chest. "You need to be careful moving forward."

"But what is it?" Anna questioned. She was starting to fear that Elsa had been correct. Would Elsa still be willing to run if this was looming over them?

"It's magic." Bulda declared. "It's expanding inside your mind. It has the potential to overwhelm you if left unchecked."

"Elsa's magic? From when I was struck as a child?" Anna clarified. She recalled what Paddie had said. He had sealed it off to protect Anna from what Bulda was explaining now.

"Why is that a bad thing?" Anna said. She put her palm out for the troll to see, it was empty but within seconds the cold bounced in. "My sister's magic makes beautiful things."

Bulda stared at Anna's hand intensely. She took her time. It felt like she was memorizing the cracks and lines in the Princess's palms.

"Be weary of this sprite." She said finally. "The Queen is capable, yes, as is her power. But all magic has darkness just as it has light. Ice power is frigid. By its very nature it is more infernal than it is honest."

"But Olaf was given life by this power. He's pure. If Pabbie said Elsa's magic needs to be proven good or bad then I think Olaf is a testament that yy sister's power is positive and valuable." Anna spoke softly but inside she was reeling. She didn't know two better beings than Olaf and the Queen of Arendelle.

"Olaf gave life to the ice and snow that binds him. The power inside you needs a host. It is looking for a place to become alive." Bulda explained. The pink crystals in her neck started flickering. Anna had seen them pulsate before, she had admired how they gleaned so gently. It was like a lullaby. The crystals had come alive at the sight of her son. Now they seemed to be punctuating Bulda's warning.

"What do I do to stop it? How do I give it a host?" Anna said. She was willing to do anything. She promised Elsa she would fight.

"The clearest route is to seal off your mind to it. Trying to move it somewhere else will require you to open up to it completely. It has no reason to choose what you are offering, when it can take the mighty form of a human. Your body has fought it off for years now, it knows how to win this battle already. Just avoid what is triggering this release." It sounded simple but Anna wasn't so sure it was.

"It's my memories." Anna explained. "The ones Pabbie took, they are coming back to me. Some without probing and some I searched for."

"What has provoked the memories to return." Bulda dug in. The way she looked at Anna made it feel like she knew exactly what the answer was.

"Being with Elsa." Anna said firmly, and added, "I won't give her up."

"Hm." Bulda said. Her kindness seemed to be tested by this. Anna watched her shift. It was in her face and reflected in her gems. "You need to ask yourself what you are willing to lose. Would you lose yourself to be with her?"

"I won't be lost." Anna announced. She said it like a promise. "Getting back my memories has made me more me than I have ever been."

The childhood memory of Anna's last night with Elsa was so fresh in her mind, it felt more real than the combative fight she had just had with the Queen. She knew that that memory was vital to their relationship. It would hang between them, reminding Elsa of how easily things could go wrong and admonishing Anna. With that memory the Princess would always have a touchstone to call her into not only action but into a consideration for Elsa like she had never had before. With that grounding her she knew she couldn't be overcome.

"I will pray that you are right. But I also urge that you don't go looking for these memories anymore. Don't lose your future for the past. Today is going to change Arendelle forever. You better run before you miss it."

Anna didn't have to be told twice. She took off with all her might to reclaim her sister.

Hey guys! Thanks for all the noise on the last chapter. :D Below are your responses. Leave a review and I'll keep chatting with you. I think I mentioned in another author note that there were only a couple chapters left. I will now announce that there will be 30 in total. Four left!

MortdecaiVenom: You made me LOL irl. That's the exact same reason I've thrown myself into this fic. I'll be sad when I have to go back into the world.

AXEguest: I didn't know that about the comics. I didn't know there were comics! I'm going to do some smaller stories later, and I AM going to do your story so check back for it ok? Thank you for appreciating the characterization. I've been trying to be mindful of that. xD

Guest, who is hurting (comment on chapter 25): Oh, I feel fancy. "High quality." I love it. I reread the previous chapter before I start the next and the mistakes I find make me cringe. So thanks for making me feel better about it (once I'm 80% percent done hah) I won't keep you waiting too long so keep checking!

Anon with an affinity for drama & angst, whose boxes are all checked and doesn't usually leave reviews in a row (reviews on chapters 8, 11, & 15) / (I think all three of those were you) I hope if you get this far and know it's you I'm responding to. Your comments give me life. The angst is my favourite to write and sometimes I think I'm being too harsh, good to know you're down with it. Hah.

Sammik9- I made the mistake of going on your profile and finding some good fics there. Oops. Thanks for that….. and thanks for the review!