Chapter 31: More News You Can Use from The Daily Prophet (And some ridiculously far-fetched stories from The Quibbler)
THE DAILY PROPHET
Boy Who Lived MISSING!
Barnabas Cuffe, Jr., Senior Correspondent
An anonymous source from within the organization has confirmed that Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, Twice-Vanquisher of He Who Shall Not Be Named, has gone missing from St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. A trusted source from within the MLE has corroborated this story. Official word from the Ministry of Magic has "All available Aurors on the case," and they have round-the-clock search teams looking for the missing Boy Who Lived. (More on page 3, and: How You Can Help In The Search)
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Minister Seeks To Reopen Custody Hearing for Boy Who Lived
Dempster Wiggleswade, Senior Legal Correspondent
Eric Munch, Security Guard at The Ministry of Magic, confirmed this morning that Minister, Rufus Scrimgeouer had a meeting with a high-ranking officer from the Ministry's Child Welfare Division (CWD). Speculation abounded after the Minister released an excoriating statement condemning the poor care Harry Potter was receiving at the hands of his court-appointed guardian, Madam Poppy Pomfrey. "If the Hogwarts Matron can't even keep track of the Boy Who Lived in an environment as safe and secure as one of Wizardom's greatest hospitals, then how can we expect this easily-harried, negligent harridan to care for the boy at her home?"
It is very unusual for the relatively new CWD to reverse it's rulings. The only precedent found by this reporter was the case of a Death Eater's child adopted by a Squib relative. Though well-meaning, the relative in question, himself, requested the reversal, when it became clear he was ill-equipped to handle the child's accidental magical outbursts.
The CWD issued no comment, despite repeated requests from this reporter.
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Security Guard To Be Fired!
Barbara Cuffe, Junior Legal Correspondent
This just in: Eric Munch, Security Guard at The Ministry of Magic, has been suspended without pay, pending an investigation to his leaking personal information to reporters. This is just another attempt by the Ministry to silence the free press…
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St Mungo's Nurse To Be Fired!
Barnabas Cuffe III, Junior Correspondent
This just in: Euan Ackery, Nurse at St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, has been suspended without pay, pending an investigation to his illicit use of Stunning spells on patients.
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Minister's Final(?) Failed Custody Coup
Winkus Oddpick, Op-ed columnist
Once again, justice for a young wizard has been thwarted by the very wheels sworn to protect and uphold it. Minister Rufus Scrimgeouer had his renewed petition for custody of Harry Potter (Twice Vanquisher of He Who Must Not Be Named) denied by the Child Welfare Division (CWD) – again. The Minister is usually more nimble than a Nimbus, when it comes to navigating the other departments at the Ministry of Magic (M.o.M.). But not so, when it comes to the CWD. After reports that Potter had gone missing, while under the care of court-appointed guardian and Hogwarts Matron, Poppy Pomfrey, the Minister immediately filed for custody. He claimed, rightly so, in this columnist's opinion, that Pomfrey has shown a lack of judgement and has neglected her duties to keep The Saviour of the Wizarding World safe from harm. And yet, inexplicably, his petition was summarily denied by the CWD. In its infinitesimal 'wisdom', the CWD asserts that "all custody decisions are final and binding Wizarding contracts, and as such, are not reversible, unless under the most extreme of circumstances." One must then ask the most obvious of questions: What exactly constitutes "the most extreme of circumstances" in the eyes of the CWD, if not a possible kidnapping from a negligent caregiver? (continued on next page)
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Malfoy Boy Missing In Conjunction With The Potter Disappearance
Rita Skeeter, Special Correspondent
This reporter has confirmed that Draco Malfoy, the son of notorious Death Eaters, has gone missing from St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, at the same time as Harry Potter, The Wizarding World's Greatest Hero. Rumours have been flying faster than a Firebolt that the younger Malfoy may have been responsible, in some part – if not wholly, for the Potter boy's disappearance. Despite the fact that his Dark Mark is no more (My readers will recall my 5 part Series, "The Dark Marks: Wherever Did They Get To?"), several of his school chums, including society darling, Pansy Parkinson, testified at young Malfoy's trial that they had first-hand, eyewitness accounts of Malfoy bearing the Mark.
An anonymous, but highly credible source at St Mungo's has reported that Mr Malfoy's Death Eater ways remained with him, while he has been under the care of overworked and much put-upon staff members at the hospital. "Given the boy's wretched past, it is obvious he should be the prime suspect in Potter's disappearance," said the unnamed source. (continued on page 10)
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Boy Who Lived FOUND!
Barnabas Cuffe, III, Junior Reporter
Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, Twice-Vanquisher of He Who Must Not Be Named, has been found. Mary Catermole of Stratford-upon-Avon was eye-witness to Potter's dramatic return. "Y'see, I was in the waiting lounge at St Mungo's, like. An' me boy, Alfred, 'ad just been admitted, like. An' 'e was having a terrible allergic reaction to a doxy bite, see, an' I was jes sittin' there in the lounge, pretty as ye please, minding me own business, when out through the grate tumbles these two blokes. An' one of 'em starts screaming bloody murder to ''elp 'Arry Potter', like." A trusted source from within the hospital has corroborated Catermole's story, further adding that the other fellow was non other than Draco Malfoy, exonerated Death Eater and, we are told, unlikely friend to Harry Potter. No official word from the MLE on the boys' return. They had been conducting a round-the-clock search, which has likely been called off.(More on page 5)
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SOCIETY OWLS
Grizel Hurtz, Society and Advice Columnist
Astoria and Daphne Greengrass are to hold a gala as a fundraiser for St Mungo's sister hospital, Crone Martha Ballard's Hospital for Midwifery and Maladies, both Magical and Muggle. Crone Martha's is located in Salem, Massachusetts, in North America, and has sent Healers trained in Muggle Child Development, at the behest of the Ministry's Child Welfare Division, to St Mungo's to help provide Complimentary medical practices to the surviving orphans of Death Eaters. There have been some rumours that Myron Wagtail and Herman Wintringham, of the band, The Weird Sisters, are slated to appear. Stay tuned to this column for more details. The Greengrass family is known for it's philanthropic extravaganzas, and you will not want to miss this exciting Gala!
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THE QUIBBLER
Mysterious Attack At Hospital
Xenophilius Lovegood, Editor-in-Chief
There has been a mysterious attack at St Mungo's Hospital, which no one is talking about. Healer Shira Pilkington-Rahda attempted to file a report with the MLE, to no avail, that she was accosted and incapacitated from behind and that her wand and robes had been stolen. She was told that all available Aurors are on the Potter case (see side bar for the latest on The Boy Who Lived's disappearance – Horklumps are suspected to be involved), and that "[S]omeone would get back to her soon." Pilkington-Rahda believes, as does The Quibbler, that the two incidents are related, yet she can get no one to take her seriously. There have been countless unexplained attacks at Magical institutions over the years, which the MLE willfully ignores. It is possible that a little-known Muggle/Magical cult of Diricawl worshipers may be at the heart of this mystery.(continued on page 2)
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Hogwarts Gamekeeper in search of Boy Who Lived's Missing Pet
X. Lovegood, Special Correspondent
Keeper of The Keys and Professor of the Magical Creatures Department at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Rubeus Hagrid, has been searching for a missing jarvey. The animal in question was the beloved pet of Harry Potter, Vanquisher of Voldemort. The jarvey is, like most of its kind, light brown, with a black nose. It is smaller than the average jarvey, at about 60 cm long. Professor Hagrid reports that its insults are often "Spot on," unlike your more typical jarvey, who just spews unrelated vitriol. If anyone has any information as to the whereabouts of said jarvey (affectionately known as, "Darvey," by The Boy Who Lived), please contact Professor Hagrid, c/o Hogwarts.
It is the belief of this reporter that there is more to this story than meets the eye. A jarvey whose insults are "Spot on" may be a jarvey who is possessed, under Imperious, or even, perhaps an unregistered Animagus or Metamorphmagus, attempting to disguise her or his true identity. (continued on fold-out page 3)